Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Dumb Warrior" Parody of, "Dark Warrior" SCENE I: In the science lab-house of Trini's Uncle Dorky... Uncle Dorky is working on an invisibility formula (plus a tart recipe filled with nitroglycerin) Uncle Dorky: Ahh, it's complete. Oh my, better go brush my teeth, I forgot to do that 221 days ago. Gee, and it's also on this 30 year agenda list too. Uncle Dorky lifts a notepad with the words scribbled on it saying, "Put on your clothes, use the bathroom, get some glasses....." Dorky: Oh my, I also forgot to use the bathroom. Let's see here. Dorky grabs his green invisibility formula and spills it on the toilet, oven and closet. Dorky: Ooops! I evaporated the toilet. Oh well, no biggie. I'm bored. Hmmm, I think I'll mess with my cousin. . . cousin. . . uhh, I think Weenie. Oh well. Does it matter? Last I remember, when she was nine, all she ever did was smile. SCENE II: Jason is at the Junk-Food Bar's karate class to teach a class but all he's doing is sticking out his butt, shaking it. Student: Excuse me, but you've been gyrating your butt for an hour now--when are we going to get back to class? I paid good money for this course. Jason: Not now, I'm trying to attract some women. An attractive girl approaches Jason and Jason's eyes gleam in anxiousness when the girl pours her soda over him, laughs and leaves. Student: Can we get back to class? Jason: Sure, I guess. ..... Billy, Kimberly and Trini are sitting on bar stools at the counter of Ernie's Junk Food Bar. Billy: When is someone gonna beat up on me? Kimberly: Just make that dopey dumb look you did on the first episode. Billy: That time, the writers jumped me. I'm talking about those noodle-heads over there shooting up on their daily arcade fix. Kimberly: Trust me, I've got the writers under lock and key. Trini: Maybe that's why this episode stinks. Kimberly: Shut up. .... On the other side of the bar, Bulk is droning away at an arcade system (that wasn't there a few episode earlier) and Skull is watching him when it stops and says "You Lose--Insert 25›, Deadbeat Lamer." Bulk: Aww nuts. I'm all out of quarters. Skull: Why don't we try something new for the purpose of this show? Why don't we beat up on Billy and take all his money? Bulk: How much do you think he gets paid? Skull: Two quarters more than you. Of course we only get paid 15 cents a week. Bulk: Good idea. C'mon. Let's beat him up. Bulk and Skull casually stroll up to Billy with very tough facial expressions and push him off his stool. Bulk: Alright, jerk; gimme your money. I want some quarters. Billy: I'm afraid I'm all out. Zack: But you just gave me.... Billy (talking out the side of his mouth): Shut up! Bulk: Sh'yeah right. Last I heard, you're only saying that 'cause you only get 65 cents a week. Billy: So what? I've gotta eat. Bulk: Ya do? Billy: I am a living breathing mammal, but I'm not sure I can say the same thing about you. Furthermore, it's none of your business. Why don't you get a job? Bulk: Why don't you kiss my ass? Billy: I gotta go. See ya. Bulk: Hey, where do you think you're going? Grab him! Billy: Huh? UGH! Skull grabs Billy, and Bulk punches his belly once. They then relinquish him and turn him upside down, hold him by the legs and shake him up and down when all his money falls out of his pants. Skull: Hahahahahaha! Hey look at that, he's got 15 dollars! All the Junk Food Bar's customers whip their heads around towards the main scene. ALL: HUH? Billy: I lifted a wallet. ALL [drably]: Oh. Guy-Who-Sounds-Like-Grandpa Simpson-From the Simpsons: So that's why my pocket is hollow. GIVE ME BACK MY MONEY! Billy: Bulk took it. Put me down, ahhh!!! Bulk: Dump 'um in a ditch. Skull: You mean Ernie? Bulk: No, the other one. Skull: Oh. Bulk sticks gum up the rear of Billy's overalls, puts a kick-me sign on his back and Bulk and Skull both grab Billy in a launching position and throw him over the bar of the Junk Food Bar and he falls through several pots and pans. Billy (unseen): Oh, ow!! Ugh!! Trini: How come you [Ernie] let creeps like them in? Ernie: They're paying customers. Just MAYBE I'd kick 'em out if they had guns. Billy: You're pathetic. Kimberly: So are you, Billy. No more Saturday nights until you get a tough bone. Billy: Oh. Trini: Hey, my Uncle Dorky is a scientist and he's visiting. Billy: Not even scientific gibberish can make me feel better now. Dorky walks into the Junk Food Bar with his formula looking like a sneaky deviate (of which the customers ironically don't notice). As he's walking by, everyone faints over the smell of Dorky, whose penetrating old smell kills off half of Ernie's store. Ernie: Who are you? And when's the last time you took a shower? Dorky: I knew that was what was missing on my agenda list: take a shower, buy new clothes, WASH clothes. Ernie: Whatever. Just gimme that bucket of Jello. Dorky: Here, just don't drink it. Ernie: You think I'm dumb enough to do that? Dorky: Nevermind, just switch the scene. SCENE III: We fade to Rita's palace balcony. Rita: Finster! I'm angry! I want a monster! Finster: Coming up, my queen. Ah, this one is oven baked. Rita: Really? That must make him special. Finster: No, that simply means I've found a way to make Jack LaLanne's poop not so soft. Rita: I want him special! Finster: For that, you cook him for 15 more minutes. Rita: Let me see that recipe. 17 cups Dom DelLouise poop, 20 cups P.B. Crisps. You're right. Well?? What are you waiting for?! Finster: I'm not waiting, I'm just trying to fill up 2 minutes of time. Rita: Why? Finster: I was told to. Rita: Well tell the bum to stick it because we already have time consumers. Just take a look at MegaJunkaZord's transformation? Suddenly, we cut to a 2 second long piece of stock-footage that illustrates MegaJunkaZord's transformation sequence. Finster: But Uncle Dorky's taking up most of this show. Rita: Why are you making me wait? Get to the monster! [Rita swings her magic wand pointing it at Goldar, Baboo & Squatt] You marble heads, grab Uncle Stinky's invisibility formula. Goldar: You heard her. Baboo: Right. SCENE IV: The villainous vandal trio invade Dorky's home, which is a tiny home-built lab. Baboo: Man, it smells in here. Squatt: Smells like someone died in here 5 years ago and is still here. Goldar: Silence! Hey look at that, that says "Do Not Touch"--grab it. What's in it? Check if it's what Rita wants. Baboo: Right, uh--what was that again? Goldar: The invisibility potion, ya moron. Baboo: Oh, right. Baboo and Squatt both grab a bottle and drink what's in it. Baboo begins to choke and gag as does Squatt. Baboo: I don't feel so good, I feel sick. Squatt: I don't feel so good either, I think I have a stomach-ache. Goldar: You morons! I told you to check it, not drink it. Now we're gonna have to use up Finster's spiderlegs juice to aid you back to health. Baboo: Thanks, I think I'm about to pass out. Squatt: I'm riding off the deep end. Goldar: That's it! What are we going to tell Rita when she finds out you two got sick, and we didn't get the formula? Baboo: Maybe tell her she has a male secret admirer. Goldar: Oh don't be stupid. Come on. SCENE V: Rita is hitting kneeling Goldar, Baboo and Squatt on the head with her huge wand. Rita: You dummies! You nitwits! You ignoramerouses! Goldar: Pleeze! Stop! Rita: How many times to I have to tell you not to drink things without labels! Squatt: Stop! I'm sick! Goldar: Stop! Please, I beg of you, my queen! Rita: You idiotic boobs! Goldar: Please! I'm bleeding! Rita: Shut up! Dumb Warrior: Hey touts, I'm out of the oven. Could you stop banging at those invalids and tell me what I'm suppose to be doing? Rita: Right. I'll deal with you toons later. Go down there and kidnap Trini's pee-pee smelling uncle, interrogate and torture him until he gives up the location where he put his invisibility formula. Warrior: The monster always gets the tough job. Rita: That's because you're scary. Warrior: No I'm not. I just look like someone's afternoon potty accident. Rita: Who cares? I could care less if you looked like a skid-mark in somebody's old underpants. Just kidnap Uncle Lummocks and give that formula to me. Finster: By the way, why do you want it? Rita: Simple, I'll drink it, grow big and destroy those rangers and they won't know what hit 'em. Finster: This is going to be a bigger bomb than "Howard the Duck." Rita: What did you say?!?! Finster: Oh, nothing. SCENE VI: All five of the gang are sitting on bar-stools next to the counter of the Junk Food Bar. Billy: I'm always getting picked on. Jason: That's 'cause you're a 12 year old trapped in a 17 year old teenager's body. Billy: Without my brain, I don't think I have much to live for. Jason: That's because you don't. Billy (sarcastically): Oh look at Mr. Sunshine. Trini: Don't worry. You just wait 'til Uncle Dorky comes over and teaches you something about karate. Zack: That's another thing, how come Billy becomes tough, pumped dude when he's morphed? Does the suit control every skill and movement he has? Trini: Who cares? Trini's Uncle Dorky approaches Billy and Trini. Billy is getting himself fixed up for karate training. Uncle Dorky: Hello there, I'm... I'm... Uncle Dorky. Billy: Do you even have a first name? Dorky: Sure, it's Uncle. Ah, cousin. . . cousin. . . Trini: TRINI! Dorky: Who? Trini: TR-I-N-I! Dorky: Ohh, beany! Nice to see ya again. Trini: Trini! Dorky: Trini, oh right. And who are you, young . . . well--fine man? Billy: Compared to you, anyone is a young man. [Quick sniff] Ew, did you shower?! Dorky: Yes. Billy: Something's seriously wrong with you. Just teach me how to fight, I'm getting a shortage of my juice -- my power -- my needs -- my sex. Dorky: Right, come with me. Jason: It's a shocker he still knows how to talk. Kimberly: Compared to him, even Jason looks smart. Jason: Yeah, heehehehehe [everyone laughs with him]. HEY! SCENE VII: Billy and Uncle Dorky are outside in the abandoned part of the park practicing karate, when Dorky is just forcing his fist forward. Billy: Uncle, you're slow. Dorky: What do you expect? I'm 92 and I just came out of the hospital. A bunch of Muddies appear. Billy: Oh look, Muddies. They have red eyes. Wait a minute, these are the Super Muddies saved for later episodes! Warrior: That's because you have to be super to withstand the smells of your little friend here--who just happens to have a PRICE on his HEAD! Billy: You have a point. UGH! They're pushing me about! What do I do, Uncle? Dorky: I don't know! You're the young one, help MEE! Warrior: Too late, whimp. We're taking this guy to the potpourri sprayed dungeon and we're going to grill him and hang him on the rack with his shirt off for extreme tickle torture! Hahahahaha! Dorky: Remember what I taught you! Billy: What was that? Dorky: Nevermind, it's in the script, read it. Billy: Right. Hmm, warn the others. Wait a minute, you writers up there; there was suppose to be balloons that explode that have an old bulletin from the year 1110 for Trini. AB Writers: But who's watching? Billy: You're right. SCENE VIII: Billy Clinton-jogs into the Junk Food Bar in a frenzy. Billy: I've got something to tell you guys... You see, some monster... Ernie hands Trini several descending black balloons. Trini: Ew. Kimberly: Hey look at that, black and purple balloons. Trini: Hey look they explode, cool! Kimberly: What does this note say? Trini: It's in `Great Big Words' Font--can't you read that? Kimberly: Oh, it says, "if you ever want to see your uncle again" -- dot, dot, dot. Zack [sounding like he's reading]: That has to be one of Rita's monsters. Billy: Brilliance. Sheer brilliance. You should be put in the science hall of fame -- For the world's equally dumb and worst actor on a children's television show. Zack: Hey, I've only got three lines in this stupid show. I've got to make the best of it. Kimberly: Besides, Billy; that's `Barney & Friends.' Jason: I found the rest of the letter, but it's in milk chocolate. Trini: That's because Zack was snacking, apparently. Zack: Hey, you'd spit out your candy bar if you thought someone was sending loads of T.N.T. to your household. Jason: It says, "give me the invisibility formula, dyke." Must be talking to Trini. Ernie: What formula? Jason: Well, it looks like Colgate toothpaste, except it's a little liquidy. Zack: How'd you know? Jason: It's in the script. Trini: My Uncle Dorky is in trouble. Billy: That lint-head would probably smell better dead than alive. Trini: You're right. But we're taking over where "Dudley Do-Right"'s season cliffhanger left off, so we have to rescue anyone, including the unshaven, lice-stricken, old meat bodies. SCENE IX: In a dark cave beneath the mountains... Uncle Dorky is in a dark cave with extensive amounts of rope tied around his shackled body which is in locks and chains linked to a tiny chair with bomb wiring attatched to it as we pull-out from Uncle Dorky to the posse of interrogaters--Dumb Warrior, who is seen poking some dull stick at Dorky's ribs while Goldar's tickling him to death while Squatt is rewinding the same episode of `The Facts of Life' and Women's Rights strikes. After a while, Dorky begins screaming and crying because of so much tickling. Dorky: Stop it already! Warrior: Are you going to give me your secret cough syrup, or not? Dorky: I drank it. Goldar: What Poop-Head means is: where's your invisibility formula? Dorky: You're not supposez to ask that until I've asked you what you want. Warrior: Well now you know. Where is it? Sing!! Dorky (singing): Oh please, I don't know, ug-aly! Oh please I don't know! Warrior: AUUGHH!! You better quick the antics and speak otherwise, I'm gonna ram a pinless hand grenade in your MOUTH! Now one more time, WHERE'S YOUR INVISIBILITY FORMULA!? Dorky: I don't know, and even if I did, I wouldn't tell you to save my life! Goldar: To save my life--it's not just a metaphor anymore. Warrior: Well then, we'll make your cousin Trini talk! Dorky: You can start her talking, but you'll be sorry! Warrior: Oh I will, will I? You're just trying to hide it. Hahahaha, I'm going to make your Cousin Smiley talk anyway, and have you singing the "Star-Spangled-Banner" on the moon at the same time--with a body missing. Dorky: You won't get away with this. Warrior: Gimme a break. See ya at the moon. SCENE X: At the Junk Food Bar... Billy: I don't like the sounds of this. Jason: Well how are we going to fix this problem? Zordon (over communicator): Me! Ya marble-heads. Didn't you remember? Jason: Who are you? Zordon: Zordon, you fools! I knew it was a bad idea putting me in the tenth scene. Just teleport to the command center and I'll tell you what's going on. Jason: Okay. C'mon guys. Oh wait, how do we do that again? Zordon: You press the button on the... oh shucks; I'll do it for you! The five rangers are teleported to the command center. SCENE XI: Alpha is seen sitting on a pillow in the corner. Alpha: Man, what a trip. Yo dudes, pieces to the world; what's hanging with you? Trini: Have you been getting into my things? Zack: Huh? Jason: Nevermind him. Billy: You can say that easily, you don't have to unscramble his memory circuits. Jason: Annnnyway... what goes on, Zordy? Zordon: Don't call me that, pathetic ranger. Dumb Warrior is going to make things really terrible. Trini: That clears things up really nice. Jason: Zordon, you left out the part about Uncle Stupid. Trini: That's Uncle Dorky. Billy: Yeah, like it's any improvement. Zordon: Oh yeah. He's in a cave someplace receiving tickle torture and being forced to watch a really crummy Women's Right's Protest and the same episode of "The Facts of Life" a thousand times over. Zack: Let's pray that it isn't the series pilot. Jason: Man, that's awful. Trini: No one deserves that kind of torture! Zordon: Rush Limbaugh does. Billy: Or one of those "cute" little Olsen twins. Kimberly: Well, am I, like, going to get, like, a line? Zordon: Sure. Kimberly: Well, ah; ah -- um, ah... I forgot. Zordon: Holy meatballs. Zack: I'm inclined to believe that WAS her line! Kimberly: Oh yeah, now I remember. I like them. Jason: Who? Billy: The Olsen Twins. SHEESH! Is there an epidemic of brain-loss leaking out the ears going around? Alpha: Woah! Talk about bad trip. My memory finally kicked back online and my motor program's re-booted. Zordon: Would somebody please de-toxify Alpha? Billy: I already did. Zack: When? Billy: I just did; according to the script, you don't HAVE to do everything in the script. Just say you did it. Jason: Makes sense for reducing on parody space consumption. Zordon: ANYway, you idiots, while you're standing there babbling, Uncle Dummy is un-attended, and could be singing seven tracks to heaven. Billy: Why? Zordon: Don't you remember the letter in the balloons I sent... dah I mean, Dumb Warrior sent? Kimberly: That was you? Zordon: None of your business. Jason: Right, we're on it, just give us a location. Zordon: 1313 Kemoto Lane, next to the pizza place on the I-5. There's a sandy desert island. In there, you'll find an abandoned cave King Jinx had exploded in and there'll be Uncle Smelly. Trini: Uncle Dorky! Zordon: Yeah, whatever. Jason: It's morphin ti... Zordon: Not yet, you're just rescuing Uncle Slinky. Trini: Ahhh... Nevermind. SCENE XII: The rangers get lost in traffic, stuck in grid-lock on a cloudy day. Jason: What were those directions again, Zordon? Zordon (over communicator): Forget it, I'll just teleport you there. Jason: Thanks. The Rangers are teleported out of Trini's car and the car is left in traffic backing things up about four miles. Later, the rangers all arrive inside the cave that Uncle Dorky is in, where we find stacks of red boxes marked, "T.N.T." most obviously like in the cartoons. Billy: C'mon, there's Uncle Pee-Pee. Trini: Nevermind. Uncle Dorky, are you okay? Dorky: Besides excessive hemorrhaging due to gas bombs and the smells of gasoline, I'm doing swell. Kimberly: Uh, what do the words T.N.T. spell? Billy: Forget it. I gotta de-activate the bomb. Dorky: Focus whatever the hell I taught you. Billy: Uhh, right. Ahh, here it is [hand over his eyes] Eeenie meenie, miney mo, catch a tiger by his toe. If he hollers make him pay, fifty dollars everyday, my mother told me to choose the very best one. Billy quickly yanks out a red and blue wire from the bomb and, miraculously, it's de-activated. Billy: Hey, it worked! Jason: I aughta choke the stuffings out of you! Do you realize we could've been blown to bits if you picked the wrong one??!?! Billy: I do whatever's in the script, and it clearly says that the rangers survive and so does Uncle Smelly. Dorky: Dorky! Geez. Billy: What was your real name again? Dorky: Zwieback Farley. Billy: Cool name. Trini: Run along, or well rather, creep along. Jason: Alright guys, IT'S MORPHIN TIME! FINALLY! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus Trini: WAIT A MINUTE! What was this big Uncle Dorky thing about? Rita never got the formula, and all we did was let Uncle Dorky go. Billy: Why did I do it? Trini: Shut up. Billy: Watch this. Billy begins flipping around, kicking, back-flipping and tornado kicking like a professionally trained martial artist. Billy: Ta da! Jason: That's nothing. Watch this... Warrior: Can we just get on with this? We've already used up 19 minutes and 495 lines on this dumb Uncle Dorky thing. Jason: Right! You're mine! They begin to jump in the air when Warrior throws magic twinkies at their chests that explode to gooey liquids that eat away at their suits until they turn white then they fade back to normal color.. Jason: Aaaaagh!! You won't get away with this! Warrior: Who says? I smell worse than cousin Smiley's Uncle Dorky! Jason: You're right. ---------- Rita: Alright, you garbage heads. You think you're so smart? See if you're smart enough to take him when I make him GROW! Jason: Simple. All we need is a smidge of DinoJunk power, now! They play the MegaJunkaZord transformation stock footage really fast. Jason: Hey look at that, we got inside in only 5 seconds! Warrior: Duh, 2+2 is 15. C-A-T, duh Banana. B-A-T, extraterrestrial. Umm, 15 + 22, 365. Duh, H-A-T, toBacco... Jason: What is he doing? Zack: It sounds like he's trying to think. Jason: Huh? Kimberly: Think about his name, Jase'. Jason: Oh no. Billy: Yes, he's going to make MegaJunkaZord go into neural shock over his extreme stupidity. We don't need more of this, we've already got Jason, ya creep! Jason: Yeah, I... wait a second! Billy: Forget it. Warrior [singing alphabet]: Duh, X-E-Z-Y-G-R-S, Q-A-U-V-G-I-F...Uhhh.. Trini: Why is this monster so stupid after Rita grew him? Kimberly: Maybe everything grew, except his brain. It certainly is annoying listening to his brains trying to think. I can almost hear the gears turning. Jason: That's it! This dumb monster's had it! We want the Plastic Sword, now! Billy: Want? Jason: Okay, we NEED the Plastic Sword now! They get the sword and begin to slash Dumb Warrior's face and body. Zack: Well? Aren't ya gonna finish 'um? Jason: Sure, but anyone this stupid needs to reel in pain first. Billy: Gimme that control. Jason: Give it back, dork! Billy: Over my running nylon-spandex! Jason steers his Red lollipop until it breaks off. Billy: Now look what you did! We have no control! This lollipop has no purpose. Billy tosses Jason's pop over his shoulder and Zack catches it. Zack: It does for me. Zack puts the popsicle in his unidentified pocket. Trini: Forget it, I'll do it! Here, here's a red lollipop. Jason: Nyeah! They finally destroy the monster after he's stepped on just about the entire city. SCENE XIII: In Ernie's Junk Food Bar, Jason is teaching a karate class and Billy is there. Jason: ...and for no real reason, Billy, you get this yellow belt. Billy: Good choice, you barbel-brain. Jason: I've just about had enough of you... Kimberly: Shut up, it's time for Bulk and Skull to earn 15 extra cents. Bulk: Hahhhaha, well well, if the geek isn't getting a yellow belt? Skull: Yeah, what he said. Bulk: Would you shut up? Billy: Listen, I don't have the time for this... Bulk: Oh no you don't! They begin picking on him and pushing him back and forth and breathing in his ear while Ernie finds out he can't eat Uncle Dorky's odd looking Jello and puts it on the shelf. Dorky: My formula. Ernie: You don't deserve it, you should know better than to leave your cough syrup any ol' where. Dorky: Time to teach those boneheads a lesson. Trini: What do you think you're doing. Dorky: Whatever I want. But since I've got no karate skill besides forcing my arm, I'm gonna have to do something else. Dorky drinks down and holds in his mouth the green formula when he disappears. Zack: Is this show like, produced in the year 3000? Bulk and Skull are laughing like jackals while pushing Billy all around. Bulk: Nyahhahahahaha, dork! Suddenly, Bulk sniffs something--it's uncle Dorky's bad odor and they fall to the floor in fear and Billy leans over to them. Billy: Fellas, remember, always pre-heat the oven before baking cookies. Bulk: Uhhhh!!!! THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Kimberly's Uncle Steve takes her flying in a plane that he illegally smuggled! Kimberly: Hey, Trini. Guess what?!? I'm gonna have soooo much fun today! No! I'm not rubbing it in. Well, I already know your life is dull and... Of course you couldn't get any, but that's not what I mean and... Well, fine! You can just drop dead! Yeah, and I'm keeping the CD Player too! Yeah, well, I can make a rude noise over the phone too! Yeah, listen... But Rita wants to give her the ol' heave-ho and makes Kim's uncle Steve turn into Uncle Sleepy. Rita: Would you quit thinkin' small!?! I'm going to have Squatt personally in Uncle Stevey's drink. Squatt's spit is so venomous that he'll heave in convulsions and pass out for 14 days! Hahahahaha!! Then, when we have Kimberly splat into the face of the earth like a pancake, we can harass the other rangers with my Sneezers monster!! Hahahaha, this is ingenius! Can the Rangers defeat the the Sneezer monster? Is Uncle Steve Kato Kaelin making a surprise appearance? Will Bulk and Skull finally buy the farm? Can you stand this show anymore? Find out on the Next episode of the Pathetic Rangers!