Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Green with Vomit, Part II; Jason vs. Old Maid" Parody of, "Green with Evil, Part II; Jason's Battle" LAST TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS: A new student of Angel Grave High (...on dope) is fingered by Rita to be her new slave!... Tommy: I'm Thomas Oliver. Artist Bros. Writer: Well isn't this the 1800s convention. Tommy: I hope you don't mind me saying this, but you're so sexy, you shouldn't be allowed on public television. Kimberly: Yeah, I get that all the time... ...Rita's plan gets underway as she uses the Green Vomit Ranger power coin to give it to a brainwashed Tommy to aid her in her evil! Rita: I'm going to use this Green Pathetic Ranger Coin I ripped off from my ex-husband Zordon and pick some loser to be my slave to crush the Pathetic Rangers. ...and while Alpha 5 is recharging his batteries reading a pornographic magazine and Zordon is taking a nap; Green Vomit Ranger brings the Rangers to their knees! Zordon: Hey, how'd you get in here? Only a person with a Pathetic Coin can get in undetected. Tommy: Yes, and I have that coin. My empress RITA gave it to me. Zordon: What? Tommy: I said... hey! You can't trick me, I told Rita I was gonna keep it a secret. Anyway, I'm gonna fix it so you never speak again by yanking out the computer cords so you don't have contact with this dimension. Zordon: You're mean. The reason I never gave that coin to any of the other rangers is because it was defective and that it causes evil to infiltrate the morphin power grid. Tommy: Why don't you tell someone who cares? ...Worry about saving yourself, old man. You're through!! Will Billy charge a fee if he ever manages to re-construct Alpha? Will Jason hang himself from a tree if he can't get Green Ranger? Is he so pissed that he's ready to kill? And has this mini-series excited you in the least bit? Find out in today's Episode of the Pathetic Rangers! AND NOW: PART 2 SCENE I: The retreating rangers go back to the command center. Billy's running several space-age machinery. Billy: Alpha's jacked up. I just found this thing that makes all these sparkly lights appear, but that's all. I figured it'll work on Alpha because he's just a piece of junk anyhow. Jason: Oooh, look. It's a virus that plays "Hey Jude" 60 times over. Trini: Uh oh, we better get rid of that fast! Billy: I already did. Trini: Oh. Jason: Man, I'd like to get my hands on this Green Ranger dude! Zack: Well you're not suppose to for a few more days. Jason: Aw, no one to punch? In that case, I've gotta get my hands on somebody. Jason begins antagonizing Billy. Billy: Hey, cut it out. I'm trying to fix Alpha. SCENE II: At school, Kimberly walks up to Tommy, who's forcefully jamming his books into his locker with an obvious frown on his face. Kimberly: Hey Tommy, I thought you were going to meet me at Cheers. Tommy: Why? Sit next to beer guzzling beer-bellies so I can get a peek at your ass? Please. You're not that sexy. Kimberly: Oh yeah? Well watch this. From our view, we see the back of Kimberly, who is standing next to Tommy and she tears open her blouse (wearing no bra), flashing the entire east wing of the school hallway as Bulk and Skull walk in. Skull notices her petite peaks. Skull: Hi baby. {Smooch, smooch!} Kimberly: ...I know I would have Jason drooling by now, [SCREAM!] Tommy: Well put your clothes back on, I have other things to do. Afterall, the world doesn't revolve around your bare buns, sister. Kimberly: Well excuse me for living! Kimberly, totally humiliated for once, folds her shirt closed and stomps off. Tommy's eyes begin glowing green and he pulls a Charlie-X thing from "Star Trek" and causes Kimberly's clothes to float off her body, and they're found lying on the hallway floor. Kimberly (unseen): [Loud screaming] Tommy: Ha ha ha! And that's just the beginning, bitch. SCENE III: Rita is seen charging into Finster's monster-creation office. Rita: Finster! Finster! Finster: Oh, so NOW you want my assistance? After leaving me in the dust and doing everything yourself. Rita: Well if you hadn't noticed, you lung-head, MY plan is working out PERFECTLY. Finster: This is day number 2. You'll start to notice you're losing your grip when Part 5 rolls around. Rita: Well your lame monsters hasn't even gotten UP to two days! But I didn't come here to talk about your worthlessness! Make me that Butter Knife of Darkness! Finster: What's that suppose to do? Rita: You're the monster consultant. Tell me! Finster gets out of his library a huge book reading, "The Big Book of Mythical, Spiritual Rhetoric" and looks up "Butter Knives". Finster: Ah! It says here that whichever schmoe withholds this butter knife, it'll allow whichever wicked villain to permanently keep a crappy spell over them--unless it's destroyed. Rita: Forget about that. I love that Butter Knife! Goldar: Rita, that just might be the loophole that'll torch your plans! Rita: Get out of my way! Well, Tommy has proven himself to be good at evil. Baboo: That's a paradox. Rita: But can he handle the Butter Knife of Darkness!? SCENE IV: Rita fades into the scene standing on the edge of a cliff at the beach looking down on a late Tommy. Rita: Hello, Tommy! It's me again! Tommy: Mother! My only reason for not killing myself! Rita: I like him. Finster: You stink, Tommy! Tommy: Go to hell. Rita: Yeah, wouldja? Finster: I hate you. Rita: I've got another challenge for you! Tommy: Is it involving beating the snot out of that Urkel kid? Rita: Well, not exactly. Are you prepared to fight two dozen muddies? Tommy: Yeah, sure. Rita: Great! Because, if you clean them out--I'll give you a treat. Tommy: Is it a Tootsie Roll? Rita: Better, the Butter Knife of Darkness! Tommy: Oh, whoopty doo. Yippy. Hoo'rah. Rita: Begin! Out of the clear off-blue sky, 24 muddies criss-cross somersault over each other and begin to fight with Tommy. The pointless battle ends as Tommy is able to miraculously fend off the entire squad. Rita: HE'S AMAZING! Goldar: Aw, he's not so hot. I bet he couldn't hold an egg in between his legs and pounce five muddies with a pogo stick while playing "I've Been Workin' On A Railroad" on the harmonica. Rita: Hey, we don't want him dead before my plan goes through. Tommy: So, when do I get my reward? Baboo: You're not gettin' anything. She's just gonna use you like she does us. Rita: Shut up, you dolt! Here it is! The Butter Knife of Darkness! You shall now be under my power, forever! Hahahaha! Tommy: All right. Can I make some toast now? Rita: No! What do you think that thing is for? Tommy: Spreading butter? Rita: No! It's to keep you under my spell forever. Tommy: Then this is pretty useless. Rita: Tommy: Okay, okay! You Pathetic Rangers are mine! SCENE V: After school, Jason (just happens to be after school so Goldar's battle won't conflict with his school and earn him six weeks detention) walks by the empty locker hall and notices Tommy walking up the stairs of the school and out of the school. Jason: Say Tommy, why didn't you meet us at Cheers? Tommy: Say Jason, why are you repeating other actors' lines? Jason: Because the writers are too lazy to write me something original. So why didn't you show up? Tommy: Nonna yo biz-ness. Jason: Okay, no hard feelings. Tommy: Oh wait, Jason. I forgot to tell you, I'm going to throw you in a battle with Goldar. Jason: Should be fun, see ya. Tommy whips out his power coin and zaps Jason, who vanishes. SCENE VI: Jason re-appears in the newly introduced playroom of Goldar -- a room with a gate surrounding with smoke seeping from the bottom of the floor. Jason has his left hand on his back reading his script: Jason: Okay, according to this script; I make a mad dash to this electrified gate and get shocked and act surprised. Okay, here we go. Jason runs up to the gate, grabs the bar, gets shocked and acts surprised. Jason attempts to tap his communicator for assistance. Jason: Guys, can you read me? Goldar appears from no where with his sword laughing. Goldar: That fake watch won't work in here! But your Pathetic Morpher might. If you can get it. Goldar waves Jason's morpher in his face. Jason: Why should I? Goldar: Well, because. Jason: Thanks for the reason. Uhh, by the way, how did you get access to my morpher? Goldar: I took your pants. Jason: HUH!?! Goldar: YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU WERE IN YOUR BOXERS ALL THIS TIME!?!? Jason: Gimme my pants back. Goldar: Sure, you can keep them. But I've humiliated you and taken your precious power all at the same time!! Hahahahaha! Oh gee, the A.B. Writers tell me my gloat scene is over. We'll continue this later. SCENE VII: Zack is with Kimberly in Billy's garage without his permission (for both Kimberly and his garage) "...hence his room" slave-laboring on his crappy old car. Zack: Man, Jason isn't here yet, and I'm still stuck here honing Billy's Beetle. Kimberly: It's not like Jason to be late. Zack: Then I guess I have to fly this junk to the command center. Kimberly: I hope you know what you're doing. Zack: I do too. Kimberly: Hope you know what you're doing? Zack: Not exactly. After having that pickle sandwich, who knows what could happen. Kimberly: Well, if you decide to blow chunks, I'll fly the thing. Zack: Can't I just use your blouse as a vomit bag? Kimberly: No! [She crosses her arms around her blouse] Zack: Well then--let's use Billy's lunch bag. Kimberly: Great idea! But wouldn't it be mean to throw up on his food? Zack: He doesn't need to eat anyway, no one on this show uses the bathroom. Besides, he's a geek. He's one of those people who needs these things to happen to them. Kimberly: Oh yeah, I suppose you're right. Zack and Kimberly each open a car door on the Rad Wreck and sit side by side in the front side of the car. Zack turns it on and it starts making peculiar noises like a malfunctioning chainsaw when it rolls off the driveway and takes flight into the air while black smoke is flowing out of the huge pipe atop Billy's bug. Zack is somehow steering the car--without knowing how to fly it. Kimberly: I'm worried about Tommy. He cussed me out and humiliated me in public at school today. Zack: Well, for whatever it may have been, he probably had a good reason. Kimberly: ZACK! Zack: Listen, Kim; there are a lot more important things to worry about besides your damn sex life. Kimberly: Sex life? Zack: Your life period. Kimberly (sarcastically): Gee thanks a lot, Zack. Nice talking to you, Dr. Ruth. SCENE VIII: Jason is walking in a circle away from Goldar, who's doing the same in Goldar's playroom. Jason: I want my Pathetic Morpher, NOW! Goldar: A little rude, aren't we? You're demanding now, but soon you will be begging. Jason falls on his knees with his hands clasped together as he's at Goldar's feet. Jason: Please! I beg of you. Give me my Morpher, puh-lee-hee-heez!? Goldar: Not that soon! First you must toy with me. Jason suddenly gets up and goes back to his tough-guy form. Jason: I'm not so stupid. You're eight times stronger than me--what's that suppose to prove? Golder: That you're dumber than a doorknob? Jason: Well I'm not that dumb. Got any other challenges? Goldar: Well, you could strip while dancing to "Whoomp, There It Is." Jason: I'd rather not. I only do that with Zack. Billy if he's depressed. Goldar: "Funky Town?" Jason: No! Goldar: "Old Maid?" Jason: Oh no, I don't know that one. Goldar: The card game, meatball brain. Jason: OH! Sure. A green card-table appears in between them and they sit down to play with the pre-arranged cards. Goldar: Say your prayers, sucker! Hahaha! Goldar begins dealing the stacked deck... SCENE IX: Zack arrives into the command center with the assistance of Billy's car. Billy, who is under one of the computer consoles, notices his white car park just beyond the last computer console. Billy (getting up): I never said you could use my car. Zack: How did you expect us to get here without some means of transportation? Billy: Foot it? Zack: Shaddup. So, we're going to do this by ourselves now? Billy: Uh yeah, but still; couldn't you have at least hitch-hiked? Zack: Why I should...! Trini: Wait. Where is Jason? Billy: I dunno. Kimberly: All this proves is that Jason is a no-show. Trini: Doesn't surprise me. Billy: What about a bike? Zack: Will you please!! It's MORPHIN' Time! Billy: Wait, I haven't got Alpha fixed yet. Trini: Gimme that. No wonder Alpha isn't on yet, you have this thing on movie-prop mode. Trini switches Alpha to Aye-Yi-Yi mode. Trini: There. Works now. Billy (arms folded in): Well ya know, I could have stripped him and dropped him off at the cemetery, ya know. Alpha: Rangers come in, we need help. Come in Rangers, we need help. Trini clonks Alpha on the head. Alpha: Oh! There you are. Billy: What happened to Zordon? Alpha: Do you really expect me to know that? I was dancing on my back to `Hey Jude' when my circuits were frying like a grilled-cheese sandwich. Kimberly: We need Jason. Zack: No we don't. Kimberly: Why? Trini: Because we can't get him out of Goldar's playroom. Zack: Oh. NOW it's morphin time! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat ALL: Pathetic Rangers! SCENE X: The Pathetic Rangers morph into the park again and pose. Billy: Uh oh, this looks serious. Trini: Oh no! Zack: With the three weaker Rangers backing me up, we're history! Kimberly: Hey! Tommy: Why don't you guys shut up and fight me? Zack: You don't have the guts! Tommy: Let's rock and roll. Heh-heh, this should be too easy! You're all a bunch of whimpy dolts! Tommy begins picking off the Pathetic Rangers like flies. Billy: My suit is smoking! Zack: We're gonna need some help! Tommy: And now I'm going to finish you. Kimberly: You can't do that with our clothes on! Tommy: Huh? Kimberly: Nevermind. Tommy steals Kimberly's BladeBlaster. Tommy: Thanks! Kimberly: HEY! Tommy converts it and fires off eight bolts at them causing them to go down in intense agony. Tommy: Mua haw haw haw! Zack: We're gunna be toast soon enough! Billy: You know what that means, don't you? Trini: Right! All: We need DinoJunk Power, NOW! MegaJunkaZord is formed getting ready to get busy. Tommy whips up some power with his sword and zaps the MegaJunkaZord when MegaJunkaZord gets out the Majormess head-shield that reflects the power back at Tommy, who then prepares to retreat. Tommy: You haven't seen the last of the Green Ranger. SCENE XI: Back in Goldar's steamy playroom... Jason is sitting in a chair next to a card-playing table and Goldar's in a chair across him with his hand on his face in defeat. Goldar: You've got the old maid. Goldar sticks his tongue out at Jason as he puts all of his cards down onto the table noticing that he had more than one of the same card in the same suit. Jason: Hey! I saw that! You cheated! Goldar: Nice of you to make that observation. Anyway.... Goldar gets up from his card-playing chair and knocks the table of cards aside with his arm and whips out his sword and Jason and Goldar go back to goading each other into a fight. Goldar: I'm through playing games. And now, I must destroy you. Hmm, maybe I'l be a little creative. Maybe I'll slice you up and leave the dismembered remains in your precious little command center for the others to stare at. Or maybe I'll just slice off your member. Or maybe... Jason: Just get on with it! Everyone knows this pee-wee torture sequence isn't going anywhere besides me being in all my clothes and just being made fun of by you a little bit. Goldar: You are beginning to annoy me. Jason: Funny how I know how that feels. Goldar: Daaaa aaagh aaagh! You leave me no choice. Try to get the coin if you can. Jason: Make your point. Goldar: I don't have one, I'm just Rita's slave and I do whatever she says. Jason: Now first of all, you think I'm stupid enough to go grabbing at that thing and then you slice my head off with that fake sword? Goldar: You know, you're a script leak. You keep spoiling everything! I'm gonna have to shut you up. Jason: I'll make a deal with you. Goldar: What? Jason: Gimme my Morpher, and I'll stop leaking the plot. Goldar: No! I'd rather shut you up AND keep your power! Jason: What a gyp, you conman! Goldar begins gagging Jason and shackling him to a wall. TO BE CONTINUED... (C) 1993 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... With the situation as distorted as it is, Rita has decided to revive her old battlin' bud Scorpina! Rita: I am going to unleash the evil Scorpina to destroy those metal monkeys. ...meanwhile, Tommy, still under the stinky cold-mashed potato breath spell, throws out Jason so he can practise destroying him and his crayon colored slaves, dah I mean, er uh... friends. Jason: When is that darn Goldar gonna get back here? Tommy suddenly fades into the set. Tommy: Get out! I've gotta practice so I can whip that tower of rust you call MegaJunkaZord here. Jason: You can't do that, according to the script; Golder is holding me captive here and then somehow I talk him into... Tommy: STOP LEAKING THE PLOT, or you'll never get out of here! Will Scorpina succeed in her mission to destroy the Pathetic Rangers, or does she have a secret love for the man who plays the Yellow Ranger in the Japanese stock footage? How DID Zack and the others form MegaJunkaZord without Trashosaurus? And did I accidentally give away the plot? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!