Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Green with Vomit, Part V; Breaking the Bones" Parody of, "Green with Evil, Part V; Breaking the Spell" LAST TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS: Rita goes into phase two of her idiotic plan to lead the rangers out into the open by having Goldar in Downtown Angel Grave (which is like saying dead, three times) smashing things and also kidnaps Bulk and Skull so she can eclipse the sun and cut of MegaJunkaZord's energy source! Zordon: Oh no, not you again! Alpha, look - out - behind - you. Tommy: No you don't! Tommy kicks Alpha in the stomach, uses his elbow to smash in Alpha's head and swings him by the legs until he hits a wall. He picks Alpha up and yanks out a cord that turns him off. Zordon: Are you just doing what you did before? Tommy: Yeah. Zordon: Just checking. GET SOME TRAINING, WRITERS! Tommy: Now I'm gonna pull the plug on you, old-man! And soon, I'm gonna screw up the Pathetic Rangers too. I'm going to slam dunk the MegaJunkaZord into the trashcan! Muahahahahaha! That's right, I'm going to screw up your little superhero team REAL bad. Will Zordon ever show up for the match? Can the Rangers fight something 25 times taller than themselves without their Zords? Ah, who are we kiddin', just Find out in todays Episode of the Pathetic Rangers, NEXT! AND NOW THE CONCLUSION: SCENE I: In the command center... Some water is splashed on Kimberly's face, Kim starts to cough as Billy helps her up. Billy: I don't think that was necessary, Trini. Kimberly: I can't believe my Tommy is the mean, evil Ranger. And worse, a stinky grouch. What am I going to say to him? [Weezy, cry-baby voice] "That's it, sweet baby?" Billy: Oh puh-leeze! Get a grip! Zack: Personally, I think he's gay. Trini: Oh will you shut up?! Or else we'll drop you BOTH off at a cemetery, naked! Jason: I knew that guy was trouble. Trini: Yeah right, you told everybody that Tommy was the Green Ranger. Jason: It's called `Acting,' look into it. Kimberly: This can't be right. Could the computer have made a mistake? Billy: Not likely. Alpha probably fixed the error. Alpha: I was surprised, seeing is I was attacked by that creep again. Tommy is probably under the spell of Rita's bad breath. Zack: What did she eat? Alpha: Probably cold mashed potatoes. Jason: Hey, I caught YOU eating that! Alpha: I got curious, ok? Trini: We've got to find Tommy. Zack: Why? Billy smacks Zack from behind his head. Kimberly: What if he's at Rita's Palace? Billy: Then we toss in a stink-bomb. He'll come out sooner or later. Zack: Either that, or bathe in it. Trini: Ew! SCENE II: In Ernie's Junk Food Bar, Kimberly is on a stool near a TV set that's on top the bar counter. On the other side is fat, slobby Ernie. Kimberly: Ernie, have you seen Tommy? Ernie: That new guy? Kimberly: Yeah. Ernie: He's over... Man, can you believe what that big ugly gold monster did to Angel Grave? Thank god for the Pathetic Rangers. Bulk: Oh yeah? Well if it wasn't for us, the Pathetic Rangers wouldn't have done anything! Billy: Oh yeah?? Well it was me, The Blue Nosed Ranger who did it, not you! Kimberly grabs Billy's arm and takes him away from the bar. Kimberly: Great goin', Billy, now we're going to have to drain their brains before Zordon finds out you opened your big mouth and told them and turns us back into normal teenagers. Billy: Oh yeah, that would be a TERRIBLE thing. They walk back up to Ernie, Bulk and Skull and whip out their Pathetic Coins and wave them back and forth. Kimberly: You are getting VERY, VERY sleepy. Ernie, Bulk and Skull (In a trance like voice): Yes. DUH! Billy: You will not remember what happened for the past five minutes. Ernie, Bulk and Skull: Yes, master Dork. Billy: Man, they even think this way in their sleep. You will not call me nerd, geek, Poindextor, dork, dweeb or four-eyes anymore. Ernie, Bulk and Skull: Are you kidding, oh master dork. Kimberly: Oh forget it. I've had enough of this. After we bring them out of this sleepy state, we'll beat 'em up 'til they're unconscious again. Billy: Okay, WAKE UP! Bulk (continuing where he left off): Oh yeah? Well if it wasn't for us, the Pathetic Rangers wouldn't have done anything. Billy: Oh yeah well it was me, Th... Kimberly puts her hand over Billy's mouth. Kimberly (with her teeth closed together tightly): *Shut up*, Billy. Let's go find Tommy. Wait a minute, you're not suppose to be in this scene. Billy: Oh yeah--seeya. Billy wanders off. Kimberly walks over to the workout part of the bar (where a boy is standing in front of sweaty women, tired, fat, dieting and riding the treadmill licking a triple-scooped ice cream cone in front of them, laughing and pointing at them), where Tommy is lifting weights and working out, preparing for another bash-the-rangers fight with an angry frown on his face. Kimberly: I know the truth. I know that you are the Green Ranger. Tommy: Good for you. Kimberly: Hey, do I win a prize!? Tommy: Yeah--a ton of bricks. Kimberly: Well, that's kinda cheap. Well, I still know your little secret. Tommy: That's right, Kimberly. Why don't ya tell the world? Kimberly: I just did--we're on International T.V. Tommy: Oh. [suddenly waving at the Camera with a cheery smile] Hi, mom and dad. Kimberly: Not that TV, the other TV otherwise known as the ratings basement. Tommy: Well, you didn't tell the world, nobody is probably watching this dumb show anyway. AB Writers: Sadly enough, we can clog up any freeway we so choose if we force you lackeys to put on a live show somewhere densely populated. Kimberly: That's what I just said. Anyway, I can help you break Rita's spell. Tommy: And end up not fighting when I'm morphed, and all I ever get to do is call the BarneyZord and let you play with my toys? Drop dead. Kimberly: Hey! You have no right to talk to me like that. I'm important, I'm the star. I'm... Tommy: You're the second to the last character on the show. You're a nobody on the show, just like me. Admit it! Kimberly: You are truly evil. Let me put it to you like this, if you ever want to touch these again [sticking out her chest], you're going to co-operate with the script and stop being such a hot head. Tommy: I'd rather do it with Trini. At least she has real twin-peaks. Kimberly: Now that IS truly pathetic. Tommy: I'm gonna get you along with the other Pathetic Rangers. You have been warned. Kimberly: Then you leave me no choice, Pinko. SCENE IV: The rangers are standing around Billy's garage (like it's the only one any of them have) babbling about something. Kimberly: ...yeah and his eyes started glowing green. He's known all along who we are. Billy: So he's known all along that we're the Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers? Zack (sarcastically): No, that we're the Three Stooges. (Duh.) Jason: WE KNOW WHO WE ARE! Zack: Revolting, isn't it. Jason: Don't look at me, I'm not the one who abducted and turned us into weenies. Billy: Shhhh! Just because Zordon is in a different Dimension doesn't mean he didn't hear that. Trini: Well now he knows we're keeping secrets from him. Billy: Like that time I told Bulk and Skull that we were the... Kimberly: I thought I told you to shut up. Billy: Well I have to make my lines something worth listening to. Trini: Well they're not. You're just a loser. So just put up, shut up and look stupid. Billy: Oh, so this is how you get your kicks. This is your little game, isn't it? Use the friendless nerd whenever you need him and dump him like old toilet paper. Well, I've got some self-respect, ya know... Trini: Bite me. Billy and Trini engage in a war of shouting obscenities at each other and wrestle off the set. Jason: There they go again. Zack: That was pointless. Anyhow, now what's the plan? Jason: Try to destroy the Butter Knife. Kimberly: But how did we know that the Butter Knife of Darkness is what needs to be destroyed to free Tommy of the spell? Zack: Because Jason's a plot leak. Jason: Love me for what I am. Kimberly: What's to love? You're not that hot. Zack: And don't you go taking your pants off either, the audience already went blind when Kimberly stripped. Jason: Well nevermind. We need to get rid of that Butter Knife. Oh, and by the way, in case for you kiddies that didn't see that, here's the film... Jason signals the film-editor to re-play this particular scene. The clip immediately begins with Kimberly tearing open her shirt from the back to impress an un-impressed Tommy while winking Skull approaches her and makes Kimberly scream, just like in part 2 of "Green With Vomit." Kimberly: Man, I thought I told that producer to burn that film. SCENE V: In the lobby of Rita's palace, Baboo and Squatt are debating BarneyZord's credibility with Goldar. Baboo: But Goldar, what if he isn't up to par? Goldar: Shut up, Baboo! If Rita wants to get the BarneyZord, she will. Squatt: But he hasn't been active for 10,000 years. Baboo: Yeah! SCENE VI: Rita: BarneyZord, ARISE! A giant, plush, round, muscle lacking purple dinosaur with huge, undivided teeth and a green belly, crazy eyes. This is what as known as the BarneyZord. The BarneyZord rises from the coast and starts smashing through Downtown Angel Grave. Tommy: All right! BarneyZord. Tommy somersaults on top of BarneyZord's head. Rita: With this you will crush those Pathetic Weenies! BarneyZord continues his rampage throughout the industrial section of Angel Grave showing off his mean and powerful capabilities. SCENE VII: The gang are standing around looking stupid at Billy's garage when Trini runs up to them. Trini (breathing heavily): Big mess downtown... A big, ugly Barney doll is smashing through Downtown. It's all over the news on KBWF Newsradio! SCENE VIII: Meanwhile, at the Command Center--Alpha is still going through a file-cabinet of 3¬" Diskettes. Alpha: Now let's see now, accessing dimensional files. Sector Q, 9, 2... Zordon's head flashes on the tube and the vertical control knocks him up and down with thick black lines on the bottom of him until he's stabilized. Zordon: I'm back. Alpha: How did you re-established our computer link-up? Zordon: Simple, I figured you were too stupid and lazy to establish our connection, I have decided to do it myself. Alpha: Why didn't you do it before? Zordon: I thought you were competent. Since you are not, and this is the last part of the show, I decided to get back online. Alpha: Wait a sec, then how come you didn't show up earlier? YOU DO REALIZE THE PATHETIC RANGERS WERE NEARLY TURNED INTO CINNAMON TOAST?! Zordon: Would the month's worth of advertising of this stinkin' five-parter be worth anything if I were HERE all this time?!? Alpha: Oh, never thought of that. Zordon: Why am I not surprised? Anyway, go back to whatever it was that you were doing. Alpha: Well, I was playing Immoral Kumquat before you showed up. Zordon: Ahhh, trying to cheat me off of the top 10 players' list, aye? Alpha: Oh good grief. SCENE IX: Trini is quickly walking away from Zack, who's relentlessly following her around when Zack pushes Trini's back-shoulder. Zack: Hehehehehehe. You ACTUALLY listen to A.M. Radio, Trini? Billy: Hey, it exists. Maybe if you were to go listen to it in preference to letting your brains rot away listening to fast-talking D.J.'s who have some acne-faced goober playing Top-40 dance music; you wouldn't be so brain-dead. Trini: Hey guys, we don't have time to waste here--we've gotta stop that Zord. Kimberly: How can we do that with no zord? Zack: We'll figure it out on our way there. Kimberly: And if we don't? Billy: Then I'd advise we all make out wills and epitaphs. Jason: It's Morphin Time! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus The Rangers arrive at the scene of the destruction--minus a plan. Billy: As you were saying, Zack? Tommy: The Pathetic Rangers are here, Rita. What do I do? Rita: Finish them, you igit! Tommy: Yes, my empress. Tommy begins to play the theme of "Barney & Friends" on the Barney-Dagger. The BarneyZord starts to smash around where the Rangers are. Jason: I can't believe this is happening. Zack: I can't believe I drank four milk-shakes. Everybody stares at Zack. Jason: STOP!! Don't be a fool, Tommy! You don't know what you're doing!! You can't continue! Break! Tommy: But I must, there is no other choice! Billy: Obviously, he's been stuck with reading the same que cards over and over again. Jason: There is TOO another choice! You could work for us. Tommy: Sh'yeah right. Rita's got my home address. If I betray her, she'll make ground beef out of my brains. And now, I must DEE-STROY you! Jason: Ya knows, I'm going to kick his ass just to beat those stupid phrases out of his obnoxious body! SCENE X: In the nearly fully-repaired command center... Alpha is worried for the zordless Pathetic Rangers' lives. Alpha: Zordon, there's a big ugly Barney doll trying to destroy the Pathetic Rangers. Zordon: Then get them to their Zords. Alpha: Their Zords have been slam-dunked into a volcano! Zordon: Hmm. That complicates things a lot. SCENE XI: Meanwhile, at the fire-station parking lot; the rangers are still scrambling around on to of cracked ground, broken glass, beaten in brick walls produced from BarneyZord's destruction (and horrible, incessant laughing). Suddenly, Zordon's presence causes each Ranger's power coin to glow. Jason: My Pathetic Coin, it's glowing. Billy: Mine too. Jason: Zordon's Back. Billy: Yippy. Zack: Whoopty-doo. Trini: Now we can donate our minds to a swarming head again. Hot-dog. The Zords reappear via the same process that made them fall into the "firey pit of hell," except with the videotape rewound making it look like the zords came back. The rangers promptly leap inside ready for "Action." Zack: Majormess, crowded as usual. Kimberly: Pterodorky, lookin' good. Billy: Tribladdertops, operational. Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat, scratchin' like it always has. Jason: Trashosaurus, let's whip this purple tower of scrap! Kimberly: Nobody throws MegaJunkaZord in the trash and gets away with it. MegaJunkaZord beats up BarneyZord. Jason: We need the Plastic Sword, right now! MegaJunkaZord catches the Sword and gives BarneyZord the one-two slice. MegaJunkaZord picks up BarneyZord swings him all around then tosses him into the side of a mountain. Jason: Give it up, Tommy. Tommy: No way! Jason: I'm goin' down. Billy: Be careful! Trini: I hope you know what you're doing. Jason leaps out his zord and Tommy and Jason face a showdown. Tommy: Make your move. Jason and Tommy dual swords when Jason is hit and flies backwards with his chest smoking. Jason draws his BladeBlaster; Tommy blows another out-of-tune tune on his BarneyFlute when Jason fires on Setting #9 and the shots bounce right off of Tommy's furnished golden shield. Tommy: Yeah, pretty sweet, eh? I got this at K-Mart! AYE-YA! Jason and Tommy knock each other's daylights out when Jason pulls a trick with his sword and miraculously knocks the Butter Knife of Darkness and BarneyFlute from out of Tommy's hands and Tommy somersaults and lands, face first into the sand and un-morphs. Tommy: By the way, Jason; I letcha win because of the extreme length of this mini-series. Jason: Aww damn! Well, anyway; it's all over for you, pretty-boy. Jason uses his bladeblaster to zap the Butter Knife of Darkness until it disappears. Tommy is left with his face and body in the sand sprawled out. The other rangers show up next to Jason. Jason and the others then de-morph. Jason: Heh Heh. Just like a big worm. Kimberly: Hey, that's not funny. Zack: All right! We destroyed the... Jason: We?! I'm the one who nearly lost my limbs in this battle! Billy: Zordon says we work as a team; that also includes taking credit for something we clearly had nothing to do with. Zack: The Knife of Power is destroyed! Now that the Shield of Destruction is done, we won't have to worry about that mean ol' Sword of Evil that kept Tommy under that spell! Billy: Did you notice you changed the name of this weapon more than twice? Zack: What of it? Kimberly runs up to spinning-headed Tommy. Kimberly: Sweet baby, are you all right? Tommy: Yeah. I guess a hernia, cracked rib, and a concussion isn't much. And for some odd reason, my wallet's missing! Jason: You've been under an evil spell. Tommy: Really? Cool. I can't wait to tell all my new friends. Billy: Hey, Kim; I thought _I_ was your sweet baby. Jason: Well, you've got a Power coin for being a pathetic sap, so are you gonna help us achieve absolutely nothing by defeating Rita and her evil pards, Goldar, Baboo, Squatt and Finster? Tommy: Sure, since I don't anything else better to do with my life. Jason: Alright then, it's MORPHIN Time! Tommy: BarneyZord Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus All rangers do their little pose. Jason: Okay, Rita, you dealt us your best shot and you goofed! Tommy: That's right. SIX! Useless and doin' nothing, hehe! Zack: Oh yeah, this is kickin'! Billy: Yeah, get off our planet! Kimberly: Or else we're gonna get rough! Trini: It's just that we don't know how! Jason: Don't worry, we'll show ya sometime, because we're the... ALL: Pathetic Rangers... Zordon: Rangers, with our new friend come new clauses. Tommy, blow into your Barney Flute and revive your zord so that when the Majormess, Sabertoothed Alley-Cat and Tribladdertops zords come together you may use a new machine you can play my little war games with. Tommy starts playing the "Barney & Friends" theme song on his Barney Dagger. Tommy: Aw man, it's awesome! Jason: Check it out! Majormess, Sabertoothed Alley-Cat and Tribladdertops merge with BarneyZord. Zordon: Rangers, I give you MegaBarneyZord in fighting mode. Kimberly: Like, when aren't they fighting? SCENE XII: At Rita's Palace... Rita: Just when I thought you people knew what you were doing! Ah! Finster: But you came up with the plan, your evilness! Rita: Shut up! I don't wanna hear it! Goldar: I promise, my empress; I will, someday, make those rangers come to pay! Rita: Don't hand me that bunk! This was the most closest plot we've ever made! The writers are too lame to make an episode equally good! SCENE XIII: In the command center... Jason: Well, you're a pathetic sap just like us, but there are a few rules to this despicable game from Zordon. Listen up. Zordon: Tommy, to be a Pathetic Ranger, you must watch reruns of As the World Turns 20 times a day, clip your toenails, eat as many lollipops as you can until you get sick, and last but not least, drain anyone's brain if they learn you are a Pathetic Ranger. Tommy: Great rules, I wouldn't wanna be known as a Pathetic Rangers to all my muse. I hereby abide by these rules. Billy: Good. Here, I got you a trunk of lollipops and I built you a communicator. Tommy: Hey thanks, man. Billy: And, by the way--stay away from my lady. Tommy: Don't bank on it. Jason: Well, you're one of us now. A good unit. Welcome to being a freak. They all put their hands on each other's hands and jump up in the sky. All: Pathetic Rangers! Alpha: Oh gawd! One of the many annoyances of having teenage superheroes. Lame, immature cheers. THE END (C) 1993 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Trini realized she has no life and decides to waste away valuable spit ball throwing time in the hallways while Appleweed is off in her office having fun by petitioning to save some useless statue no one cares about! But how? Trini: Sign the petition! Save the statue! Billy: Gee Trini, how come you're getting so many people to sign? Trini: Because of my head assistant. Billy: Who's that? Trini points her pencil to Kimberly, who's on a class table shaking and taking her clothes off. Billy: KIMBERLY!! Kimberly: What? Billy (mumbling under his voice): What do you think you're doing? This is SCHOOL, not a strip joint. You only do that at MY place, remember? Kimberly: Oh all right. But no one's gonna sign some stupid petition to save some worthless, age-old statue for no real reason. Billy: You're right. In that case, keep going. ...meanwhile, Rita, who also has no value for the worthless hunk of cement, has Finster plagiarize the statue to be evil with moths that have sleeping dust that put people to sleep! And in addition to her already evil plan... Goldar: We are going to bug Zack some'more. Nice pun, huh? At any rate, with Finster's spider monster with super toxic webs, Zack doesn't stand a chance! Will Zack--again--blow his chance at being the hero of the show because of his incredibly whimpy fear of spiders? Will Trini be the decoy of the show again? Did I take a whiz when this show started? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!