Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Creepy Yucky Spider" Parody of, "Itsy Bitsy Spider" SCENE I: There's a giant poster hanging at Angel Grave School saying "Save the Statue" because Trini is trying to save some statue that's in threat of being torn down. In the school hallway where she's petitioning, there are tables of Tupperware boxes containing bugs. Trini: Sign the petition! Save the statue! Billy: Gee, Trini, how come you're getting so many people to sign? Trini: Because of my head assistant. Billy: Who's that? Trini points her pencil to Kimberly, who's on a class table shaking and taking her clothes off. Billy: KIMBERLY!! Kimberly: What? Billy (mumbling under his voice): What do you think you're doing? This is SCHOOL, not a strip joint. You only do that at MY place, remember? Kimberly: Oh all right. But no one's gonna sign some stupid petition to save some worthless, age-old statue for no real reason. Billy: You're right. In that case, keep going. Tommy: I hope you guys are aware this is anarchy. Trini: Oh sure; but see, Miss Appleweed is kinda busy in her office, so she has no idea what's going on here. ---------- Miss Appleweed's office. Miss Appleweed and Mr. Capbutt are kissing and Appleweed is on her desk with Capbutt on top, making out. Miss Appleweed (Kissing sounds): Mmmmm, hmmm, oh Walter, do you think we should be doing this? Capbutt: Oh sure... Miss Appleweed: But the kids... Capbutt: Oh let the kids live. Afterall, they're late for class, let them be. Let's talk about us. Miss Appleweed: But what about our jobs? Capbutt: You're right, we musn't pursue this anymore. Miss Appleweed: All right. Capbutt: Tomorrow! Miss Appleweed: Mmmmm.... ---------- Trini: Save the petition! Sign the statue.... Billy: Ummm Trini, it's save the statue, sign the petition. Trini: Oh, get a life. PETITION THE SAVE, THE SIGN STATUE.... Billy: Look who's talking. Trini: Save the petition, sign the... Bulk: What's the big deal? It's just a stupid garbage load of old concrete. Trini: The big DEAL is that it's the statue of Martin P. Scorsese. Billy: Legend has it, any person can feel heart-throbbing pain by just looking at it, and it will make us think twice about using the microwave instead of the oven... Trini: ...and not to stuff bugs in them either. And the council is ready to tear it down to put a pit filled with tasteless, greasy, cholesterol building barbeque ribs. Bulk: Who wants to save some dumb statue if we can have free chili dogs? Trini: Listen, you brute, I should have you arrested because you weren't invited to this protest... dah I mean, petitioning. Bulk: Yeah, but I'm a punk. It's my job to invite myself to things I was not invited to. Trini: Well then watch your mouth, or you'll find a Tarantula stuffed in it. SAVE THE STATUE, SIGN THE PETITION... Do you people realize, also, that this statue represents the importance insects have to humans? Male Student: Awwww, screw that, I wanna see the funky lady shake her toushie! Male Students: SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE.... Trini: All right, you juvenile insults. Fine! Sign the petition off of something totally superficial. Just remember, I'll have the statue when it's saved, and all you'll have is a hard-on, and no one to release it with. Male Student: I can live with that. Male Students: SHAKE, SHAKE, SHAKE.... Trini: Ugh! Skull: Uh Bulk, how do bugs help humans? Bulk: I dunno, but let's find out. Bulk sneakishly grabs a bowl of bugs. Zack: Man, I hate bugs, especially spiders. Tommy: Chicken. How can you be a Ranger and yet be so damn sissy-fied about some stupid spider? Zack: Listen to my voice, there's a clue. Tommy: Ahh, I see. Bulk grabs a bunch of containers filled with large bugs, opens the lids and sprays the hallway with them. Everybody starts screaming, hollering and trying to get the bugs off of themselves. Billy: Ugh!! [Patting his back] Kimberly: EEE!! I've gotta get my pants back on!! Kimberly zips up her pants. Meanwhile, a giant spider falls on Zack. Zack: Huh? Aaaah! Aaaaaah!! Aaaaaah!! Aaaaaaagh! A SPIDER!! Aaaaaaaah!! GET IT OFF OF ME!! Aaaaaaah!! Tommy: A Kodak moment, and me without my camera. Kimberly: I have one! Tommy: Do you think I should just be a nice guy and just get rid of the spider? Or watch him scream in fear and take a snap shot and hang posters up about the whimp-guy around the school hallway? Kimberly: Camera. Tommy: Pictures. Zack: Aaah!! Aaah!! Get it off of me!! Kimberly snaps a shot of Zack with a terrified, whimpy face looking at the giant spider. Tommy: Hahahaha, I'm gonna make Xerox copies. Hehehehe, all right, Zack dude, I'll get it off. Tommy uses his notebook binder to smack Zack on the shoulder to kill the spider that already jumped off. Tommy: Hahahahaha. What a sissy you are, Zack. Zack: I still have my dignity. Tommy: Not anymore. I'm gonna make copies and make a fool outta you! Hahahahaaha! Zack: You wouldn't... you couldn't! Tommy: I would, and I can. Zack: Get outta my face. Tommy: Hahahaha, read all about the class idiot!! Kimberly: Listen, you repugnant psychopath [Bulk], what goes around comes around. Bulk: Oh sure, like you have any brain power. Just keep shaking your butt. Kimberly (sarcastically): Ehehehehehe. SCENE II: In Rita's palace... Rita: Hahahaha, she wants to save a statue, aye? Squatt: Gee, just when me and Baboo were having fun playing Scrabble, we had to be bombarded with a plot. Rita: Right!! We're going to crush the Pathetic Rangers! Baboo: Great idea... Uhh, how? Rita: Hmmmm hmmmmm, FINSTER! Finster: Yes, my queen? Rita: I want you to plagiarize that stupid Martin P. Scorsese statue, and make it evil!! Finster: Yes, my queen! Rita: I have got a plan. SCENE III: The Angel Grave high-school hallways... The rangers are walking together, as usual. Kimberly: Ya know, Bulk and Skull really rustle my panties. Billy: I know. Talk about a pair of dorks. While the unisoned Rangers (excluding Zack and Tommy) are walking down the hallway, Bulk and Skull just suddenly appear and Bulk blocks Billy and the rest by sticking his hand out. Bulk: Stop!! It is my job to right now, annoy you. Billy: I am in no mood for you. Kimberly: Yeah, he hasn't shown his lab rat, yet. Billy: It's not a rat, luv-mound. It's a rodent. Kimberly: Same difference. Billy: Would you be quiet just a minute? His name is Jack. He perches off my shoes, and he also keeps me awake to be able to do my 16 tons of math homework when I start to dose off. Kimberly: Ohhh, so that's how you get straight A's. Billy: Not really, I have the class brain do it for me. See, I'm really a muscle-dude who doesn't flaunt. My real grades are B minuses. At any rate, this is Jack. Jason: Cool rat, dude. Billy: Ugh. Bulk: Gimme that! Bulk snatches the mouse out of Billy's hand. Billy: Hey!! Bulk: Oh isn't he cute. Maybe I'll CHOKE him to death. Billy: You do, and there's a lawsuit. Bulk: All right. I'll just stuff 'um down Skull's pants! Bulk stuffs the mouse into Skull's pants. Skull: Aaaaaah, aaaaaah!! Get it out! Ahh, ooooo. Aaaaah! Skull jumps onto Bulk, making Bulk look like he's "carrying Skull to the sunset." The rangers--excluding Billy--are laughing. Billy: What's so funny? Jason: I dunno; we just laugh at anyone else's misery if it's not our own. Hahahahaha! Billy: Hush, you banshees. Billy yanks the mouse from out of Skull's underwear. Billy: Yuck, that's the most gross scene I've done since "Peace, Love and Moe." Skull: Oh thank you. Skull is still on Bulk when three cool guys walk past Bulk and Skull. Guy: Hey, look at the gay guys. Guys: Yeah, hehehehe. C'mon. Billy: You guys seriously need women. Otherwise, your reputations are history. Bulk: Shut up, geek. Billy: Oh get off it. Jack, you were very brave. Kimberly: I don't think so, I can hear it squeaking and coughing. Billy: Oh no! I better get him home and give him liquid cheese! Trini: Hey, ya know what? Why don't we all go to another piece of the unknown parts of Angel Grave and replace the bugs? Kimberly: Why not? It's the only way I'll get away with wearing that thin shirt of mine for bug venturing purposes only. Besides, this show has no plot whatsoever. Trini: Great. Kimberly: I've got an idea, we'll have a picnic and then the bugs'll come to us. Billy: Terrific plan, but it seems as though we need a few more bugs than ants. Kimberly: Hm, never thought of that. I know! How about we lay Zack's underpants out in the middle of the field and trap them in a cloth? Trini: Uhh Big Boob, if you haven't noticed, this is the bug petition, not the fleas and tick collection committee. Kimberly: Hey, it was just a thought. Trini: Well stop acting like you are capable of ever having one. SCENE IV: Outside in some mystic cave... Finster: There. I've finished duplication. I hope the cops don't find me. Rita: Why? Finster: Someone found out that someone copied the mighty statue to have a snake on it. I know it, working for Rita Repulsive is dangerous. Rita: Whatever! If they come to my house, I'll say Dan Quayle duplicated it! At any rate, do any of you lung heads know what my plan is? Baboo: Ummm.... well, urrr... uhhh, I think... Squatt: You're going to make the statue evil so if the rangers just look at it, their brains will go into neural shock and they'll keel over because their heads will explode! Rita: Yessss, how did you know? Squatt: It was on the que cards. Baboo: I was gonna say it, but the writers didn't involve me into the script! Rita: Right. Finster: Oh dear, I've finished the statue, where should I put it? The dining room? Rita: NO!! Finster: The painrooms? Rita: NO! IT'S NOT FOR ENJOYMENT PURPOSES! IF YOU WERE LISTENING, I'M USING IT FOR EVIL! NOW FIRST THING'S FIRST! FINSTER! MAKE ME A MONSTER, AND NOW!! Finster: Yes, your stinkiness. Baboo: But what are the moths for? Rita: What do you think?!? Squatt: I dunno, but they don't look like moths, they look like butterflies. Rita: Yeah, but this is a japanese dub-over, my words don't even match up with my mouth. What would that little discrepancy mean? Squatt: Oh, well ummm.... it's urr... Baboo: I give up. Rita: SLEEPING DUST! Baboo: Oh, I get it, the rangers will fall asleep and go under the statue's spell. Rita: Yes, only the wise and clever Rita can come up with such brilliantly classic, complex plans!! Baboo: Hey, I didn't even read any que cards, or a script to come up with that answer, and I'm still getting payed less than Squatt! Squatt: That's TV for ya, corruption is how you play, not talent. Rita: How do you think OUR show got so popular?! NOW BACK TO THE SCRIPT! HAHAHAHA! Finster: My monster is complete. Rita: This better be good on the count of the fact it didn't take you very long. Finster: Oh it is. It doesn't talk, but it's real nasty. Goldar: We are going to bug Zack some'more. Nice pun, huh? At any rate, with Finster's spider monster with super toxic webs, Zack doesn't stand a chance! Finster: Just one note to you kids, all of what we disclosed above will not even remotely resemble what will happen during battle. SCENE V: The rangers are out in the great outdoors looking for bugs. Billy: Geez. Getting bugs isn't so easy anymore. Kimberly: I know. Why is that? Trini: Because they always fly away whenever they see Jason. Jason: Hey, is it crime that I'm so big? Billy: ...anyway, on planet Earth... I'm going to go look over there. Trini: Hmmm, seems as though the bugs around here keep running away. Kimberly, would you be so kind as to not wear so much perfume the next time we go bug-hunting? Kimberly: Urrrr. Hey Billy, what kind of bug is this? Billy: Ooo, a fine, strange, rare looking specimen. I don't even know what this one is. Let me consult my manual, hmmm. Billy opens up his pocket-size pamphlet on "Rare Bugs." Billy (reading): A Beetle. Jason: Stupid. Billy: How was I to know it was a beetle? Looked like a ladybug to me. Kimberly: I'm your ladybug. Billy: Hmmmm... Kimberly and Billy collapse on top of each other and roll into the grass. Jason: Hey, I found a bug, he didn't fly away, it's just I don't know which kind it is. Billy? Billy........? Hello? Billy (Kissing sounds): Hmmm, hmmmm....? Kimberly: What was that noise? Billy: Could've been some meaningless pest. Jason: I'M NO PEST!! GET UP! Billy: Oh all right. I was trying to have a little fun off camera. Jason: There is nothing fun about acting. Billy: Right, right. Kimberly: How come Zack and Tommy aren't here? (LONG PAUSE) Trini: I think the writers are trying to come up with a good excuse for their absence. Ahh, this just in from the AB Writers "Read this: Tommy is practicing karate with a stick, and Zack is lecturing bored kids Hip-Hop Judo." Jason: Gotcha. Kimberly: I wonder why they're doing that? Jason: I wonder why we care? Suddenly, a group of muddies flock out of the horizon. Kimberly: Uh oh, I think we got bigger bugs now! The rangers start doing these smooth moves, all but Billy, who's acting like a scaredy-cat particularly in this episode with his Butterfly net trying to repel the muddie. Billy: Back! Back!! B...bback! They clear out all the muddies. Jason: Hmmm, I wonder what Rita is up to now? Trini: Well, we're not suppose to care until Zack's stupid scene is over. So let's switch scenes. Billy: All right. SCENE VI: Zack is outside in Angel Grave Park teaching a Hip-Hop Judo class with five white boys surrounding him. A tape player is on a table in back of Zack. Zack: Oh! I am in this one? Boy: Just do your karate. We're paying by hour, and it's been three. Zack: Hehehehe, that's why. Zack turns on the music and starts his hip hop karate. But when he bends around, his back cracks and he has to crack it back into place. He finishes and pops out the tape. Zack: And that's--hip hop Judo. Boy: Super cool. Zack: Thank you, and here's your 10. Zack gives the Boy ten dollars. Boy: Oh by the way, your hip hop Judo sucked. 20 to make me take it back. Zack: Here. Boy: I'm sorry. Zack: All right, anyone wanna learn? Boy #2: I'll bite. I have no life, and I just had my first, and worst haircut in all my life. So why not? Being on the show is humiliation enough. Zack: All right. 1 2 3, kick! You try. The Boy #2 jumps from side to side then kicks. Zack: Very good, [quietly] Not. Hey listen, you need practise to some funky music, would you like that? Boys: Yeah! Boy: Can we hear Toni Braxton? Boy #3: Or Ace of Base? Zack: Nope. It's HAMMER ForEVER! Ha ha. Boy: Hammer? Hammer is so, 1990. Zack: I know. See, I'm just a throw-back. Let's see here, oops, I forgot, I must have left the cassette in my red porsche. I'll go get it. Boy: Hey, the dork is gone! Let's sneak in Toni Braxton! Boys: YEAH! Boy #2: Now he did it like this, 1 2 3, kick! They copy Zack's moves poorly. Meanwhile, dozens of butterfly-moths hover over the boys and put them to sleep and they fall to the ground when Zack conveniently arrives at the wrong time. Boys: Ugh. [Plop] Zack: All right, guys; I got the... hey guys, what's this? Hey, dudes, wake up. C'mon, wake up. Guys? Zack shakes them, and has an odd, suspicious look on his face and he taps his communicator. Zack: Zordon, it's Zack. What's wrong? . . . . . . . Hello? Zordon? [Long Pause] ZORDON!! Zordon: Huh? Zack: What's going on? Zordon: I don't know, and I don't give a darn. You woke me up! Zack: Zordon!! We've got a serious problem, I was teaching a Hip-Hop Judo class, and when I returned, the kids were fast asleep. Zordon: Has the thought ever occured to you that your class is so incredibly boring that they went to sleep? Zack: Look, swarming head, don't get obnoxious. Alpha: Hey, you walked into that one. Zordon: Do you think that physical requirements always match up with Rita's plans? Zack: Well, sure! Sheesh, it's not like we have a life, she's gunning for us twenty-four hours a day! Aww man, we wasted too much time, these strange dust leaking butterfly like moths are headed this way! Zordon: I believe it's Rita's magic sleeping dust, she's put the children to sleep. Zack: Aww no, I'm next! Look, Zordon; I got no time to chat! I gotta get outta here! Zordon: Good, and let me finish my nap. [BEEP] Zack starts running in this stupid camera shot that looks like it was taken in Alfred Hitchcock's "The Birds." SCENE VII: Zack is running and running until he approaches the plagiarized statue. Zack: Hmmm, something isn't quite right about that statue. Suddenly, the bug on the statue goes from insect to snake. Zack: Just what I thought. It's morphin time! Zack: Majormess Zack has his AxeBlaster and is aiming his AxeCannon towards the statue. Zack: Time to find out why this thing is so funky! Zack fires several bolts at the statue when it converts to a large spider monster. Spidermonster: Hi, Zack! Thought I'd pay you a visit! Zack: Aww no, a spider monster, just what I DON'T need! Spidermonster: Yeah, whimp! And in THIS version, I TALK! Muahahaha! Zack rumbles with the monster, and Goldar, who just happens to appear out of no where!! Goldar: Hahahaha, take this, Black dork! Goldar and Zack start to fight with their weapons when Zack is hit on the chest by Goldar's sword. SCENE VIII: Jason: ...yeah, that bug collecting was great. They get paged by Zordon. Jason: Yeah, Zordon? Zordon: Zack is in dangerous trouble fighting Rita's monster and Goldar. Morph to him immediately. Jason: Why? Trini: Yeah. Zack's a stupidperson. Zordon: Trini, we've been threw this before. Trini: Yeah, but really, Zack sucks. Jason: Now I remember, we have to save him because we can't splice him out of all our stock footage. Zordon (condescendingly): Very good! Now get on with it! Jason: Right. Jason drops his container of bugs and they get out and onto the grass again. Kimberly: Stupid. Jason: I didn't wanna catch 'em anyway. IT'S MORPHIN TIME! Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus SCENE IX: The Pathetic Rangers show up with the vomiting Spider-Monster and thrashing Goldar out in the middle of the desert. Jason: Okay, let's do it! Trini, go out there and fight! Trini: Why me? Zack: You're our first line of defense. Once Goldar finishes you; we'll have a fighting chance. Billy: Though, I seriously doubt she'll give 'em much of a workout. Trini: Billy! Trini runs after Goldar and hurricane kicks him, jumps off his shoulder and backflips back to the other Rangers. Goldar: AGH! UGH! Trini: Ha! Kimberly: That was o.k.; but can you beat this? Kimberly jumps into the air and fires several shots with her power-bow, all missing the monster and Goldar. Trini: Uh, yeah. Jason: Enough, let's fight. The spider monster spins a web around the rangers. Goldar whips up some flames with his sword and zaps the Rangers until they fall on their butts. Zack, suddenly, leaps up into the air and zaps both Goldar and the spidermonster with his BladeBlaster. Jason: What is this? Stunt doubles for stunt doubles? Kimberly: Yeah, suddenly Zack and Trini can fight. Billy: This is most unusual. Hey! How come Goldar's gone and the Spider-monster is the size of a dinosaur egg? Jason: I don't know, but I guess that means we need Dinosaur aged DinoJunk power, NOW!! Zack: Mean time-saver, now we just lost 24 lines. Kimberly: S'okay, I probably forgot them anyway. Billy: My baby. Jason: Okay, they're here--let's go. Zack: Here's a thought, let's work separately--so the spider won't finish us all at once like everytime we formed MegaJunkaZord before. Jason: Great plan. Trini cover me, I'm goin' in! Sabertoothed Alley-Cat rubs up against the spider as it starts rapidly having a problem with lice. While the Spider-Monster is on its back, sniveling, Majormess unloads its load of trash from the landfills on the monster. It shakes it off. Tribladdertops sprays its weapons on the monster which have no effect. Jason: Like I was saying, dumb plan. Trini: Right, we need the power of the BarneyZord now! SCENE X: Tommy is sitting in Ernie's Junk Food Bar Karate gym room eating a club-sandwich when his scene comes on and he drops it behind the tree, picks up his stick and starts pretending like all this time he's been practicing his karate when he gets paged. Tommy: Yellow? Jason: Morph. Tommy: Why? Jason: Monster. Tommy: Where? Jason: I dunno. Tommy: You never do, I'm outta here. Before Tommy can morph, he gets paged again. Tommy: Now what? Zordon: Morph. Tommy: Nevermind, I SEEM to have the whole story. Alpha: Then get out there and FIGHT! Tommy: Can I? AB Writers: Go ahead. Tommy: BarneyZord SCENE XI: Jason: Tommy, s... Tommy: I know, I know. Jason: Gee, he sorta takes the fun out of it. Tommy blows Yankee Doodle when the BarneyZord's creepy smile rages out of the pacific. Jason: Thanks, Tom! Tommy: Yeah, whatever. Jason merges BarneyZord with Sabertoothed-Alley Cat, Majormess and Tribladdertops to form the MegaBarneyZord. Trini, Zack Billy and Tommy are the only ones in the Zord now. Zack: Let's do it! All: Right. Zack: Tommy? Out. Tommy: Hey, it's my Zord. MegaBarneyZord finally gives the Spider-Monster his last cavity drilling as he falls on his butt and explodes. SCENE XII: Finster: See what did I tell you? Rita: Tell me what? Goldar: I've got a headache. Rita: No, that's my line! Baboo: I think we've become terribly, terribly confused. Let's just close before Rita figures out what just happened. SCENE XIII: Trini with Jason walk down Angel Grave High's stairs into the hallway as they, oddly, run into Zack, Billy and Kimberly. Trini: Great news! Kimberly: You're moving? Jason starts laughing, Trini looks back at Jason sternly. Jason: You better watch your mouth... Zack: Yeah, with any luck they trashed that possessed statue and got us some free ribs. Trini: I'll give you some free ribs, I'll get them from you and force feed them TO you! Now anyway, the Mayor decided not to remove the statue because... All (unenthusiastically): Oh.. Trini: Wait, I'm not done! Her husband said that he wanted it around because it gives geeks something to dream about when they don't get anything to squeeze on when they get the yearning to have sex. Hey wait a minute, who wrote those last six cue cards? Zack starts laughing. Billy: High five! Billy misses Zack's hand and smacks Jason on the face. Jason starts fuming and Billy runs for his life. Trini: Well there's one less plot we have to deal with. Kimberly: Well what brought on the flip-flop? Trini: I just told you, oh wait a sec--the _real_ reason is that since so many people enjoyed seeing your bare crotch, they signed up just to enter a drawing to have a free date with you! And as it turns out, thousands were joining in, so, there was barely any competition against my rally! Kimberly: Let me get this straight. You mean to tell me that somebody is going to be my date that I don't even know? Sounds like fun! Trini: Here's the deal, ya see... THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... It's Halloween and the Rangers are preparing for a masquerade party for the Angel Grave Junk-Food Bar: Jason: Gee, on the calendar, it says it's November 25th. Why is that? Ernie: Oh yeah. Nobody ever did buy a 1985 calendar. Jason: But Ernie, this is 1994. Ernie: Yes, but it's been so long I have to start all over again. Kimberly: I'll give you something, how about I paint your body with polka dots chex and strips if you don't change the calendar? Ernie: Okay, okay. Billy: You have the nerve to look at his entire body? Kimberly: No. If I paint him BLINDFOLDED, he WILL come out looking like polka dots, chex and strips. ...but then Rita gets an idea to forge an extra entry to the party by sending out FrankenBlind. Rita: Finster! This Halloween crap is getting on my nerves! I want a monster, one for the soul purpose of this crummy holiday! Finster: But queen, what's the difference? Every episode looks like Halloween. Will Billy end up looking like a bloody pulp in an abandoned alley? Will MegaJunkaZord be shoveled into the scrap-heap? Is Ernie finally going to use all of that exercise equipment he stole for himself so he can see his feet? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!