Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Life's A Gatorade" Parody of, "Life's A Masquerade" SCENE I: The Rangers are getting ready for Ernie's Junk-Food Bar costume party on Halloween, but Jason notices the calendar indicating it is Thanksgiving. Jason: Gee, on the calendar, it says it's November 25th. Why is that? Ernie: Oh yeah. Nobody ever did buy a 1985 calendar. Jason: But Ernie, this is 1994. Ernie: Yes. But it's been so long I have to start all over again. Kimberly: I'll give you something, how about I paint your body with polka dots, chex and strips if you don't change the calendar? Ernie: Okay, okay. Billy: You have the nerve to look at his entire body? Kimberly: No. If I paint him BLINDFOLDED, he WILL come out looking like polka dots, chex and strips. Billy: Good point. Bulk and Skull are sitting somewhere examining bikini bodies covered with oil in a magazine. Ernie: Hey! Nobody told you that you could look behind my cash register. Bulk: It was just lying around. Ernie: Look, ya hunk of Christmas meat, if you don't do something to make this party look good, I'll make you eat one of my tofu sandwiches. Bulk: Oh no! Hey look, meatball gut, you have no right calling me Christmas ham. You're 80 pounds bigger than me. Ernie: Big deal. I'm angry; and don't call me meatball gut again! Now get to work, ya lazy hash browns. Kimberly: Hahahahaha! Skull: What's so funny. Kimberly: You losers. I've got work to do. Jason: Where's Tommy? Billy: Since nobody felt like coughing up the excuse for his absence, we decided to force Trini to tell you. Trini: Here goes: Tommy is working on his costume. Jason: Oh. Billy: He won't be seen for another 17 minutes. Zack is getting close to a black, sexy lady named Sandwicha, who's helping paint for the costume party. Zack: Hey Sandwicha, can I give you a hand with that paint? ---------- Jason: He won't stop until she socks him in the mouth. Kimberly: That's because he's a loser. SCENE II: Rita's Palace. Rita: Finster! This Halloween crap is getting on my nerves! I want a monster, one for the sole purpose of this crummy holiday! Finster: But queen, what's the difference? Every episode looks like Halloween. Rita: So?! They're wearing costumes. Finster: The only thing that comes to mind is this novel written by a little girl. I'm not sure if she had nightmares after watching this horrid show, but it's called M.D. Frankenstein, written by blank. Squatt: It's written by Blank? Finster: No.. Squatt: What are you talking about?! Rita: Hey, blueberry muffin head, why don't you stay out of this before I hurt you with my wand? Squatt: Yes, my queen. Finster: First of all, I'm going to set up Tommy. Since he's getting paid 5 bucks less than the rest of the rangers in this episode, we'll have him sitting around playing a Game Boy and have a mess of super-muddies beat him up 'til everyone begins to look like Raymond Burr. Then I'll send this Frankenstein monster after the rest of the rangers and destroy them. Is that good enough, my queen? Rita: Sure! But one thing. Finster: What? Rita: Why do they have to look like Raymond Burr? Finster: Because he's Tommy's father. Rita: Huh? Goldar: Nothing makes sense in this parody, any more than the truth in it either. Rita: He's just a distraction though. Goldar: Gee, I wonder how many times that has been used. Rita: While FrankenBlind is giving those Pathetic Punks a workout, I'll be secretly having Finster and you other slaves put together super clay with will make the super-muddies. They're power is so mean, the Pathetic Rangers won't be able to defeat them with just a kick and a punch. SCENE III: At the Junk Food Bar's Halloween party... Daytime: Same day, suddenly the rangers are dressed like morons. Jason is dressed like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, Kimberly is dressed like Madonna, Trini is dressed like Donna Reed, Billy is dressed like The Lone Ranger, and Zack is dressed like the Young Simba from "The Lion King." Jason: You look stupid, Zack. Zack: Oh yeah? You can talk. You've got Leonardo's head bobbing up and down on top of your head. Billy notices Kimberly wearing heavy makeup, Madonna's boob-cones and too-tight-to-breathe shorts and stockings on with her hair all sexy looking like Madonna. Billy: Where's your costume, Kim? Kimberly: This is my costume. Billy: It is? Gee. I can't tell the difference. Kimberly: Billy! Billy: Okay, okay. [Sounding like he's reading a script] Gee, that is a real different look. Is that good? Trini: Me and Billy look like the only people disguised in a decent suit. Billy: Don't lump me in with your silly suit. Why, your shirt is buttoned up to your neck and you're wearing so many clothes, I can't see your, well--you know, your knockers. Trini: Why, I like this look. Billy: You didn't in "Pathetic Ranger Flunks." Trini: Now now, Billy, we do want to keep these things behind us! Billy: Uh, right. SCENE IV: In Bulk's room... Bulk's bed is cluttered with costumes Skull bought him that he's trying on. Bulk: I'm running late for the party, Skull. Skull: That's because every costume I buy is too small for you. Bulk: What about this? We dissolve to a picture of Bulk in an old-fat-Elvis costume, and Skull is in a young-slim, good looking Elvis Presley costume. Skull: Okay, I'll be young Elvis, and you'll be, well, old Elvis. Bulk: Uh-haw. Give me that piece of chicken, uh haw-auh. Skull: Here you go, Elvis. Bulk: This isn't going to work! Suddenly, we zoom in on Bulk's window where Rita's FrankenBlind monster is peering in. Frankenblind: Aww, no women. Just a pair of clothed KFC 2-piece meals. SCENE V: At Ernie's costume party in the Junk-Food Bar... Zack is following Sandwicha around wanting to make a date with her. Zack: C'mon, Sandwitcha, I'm desperate. Please? [Suddenly notices he's on camera] I mean, you better like me, right? Sandwitcha: Get a life. Zack: Man, she won't even go out with a king! Jason: Look at what kind of king she'd be dating? Zack: I was sure this costume was going to work! Jason: And we're also sure that pigs will eventually fly, but everything has its century time period. Zack: Well, Mr. Ladies' Man, "The Enquirer" caught you kissing your muscles. Jason: I knew I shouldn't have given my life story to those sickos! They mixed my picture up with Erik Estrada! Zack: Oh brother. Kimberly: Where's Tommy? Trini: Hey ding dong head, I told you where the guy was. Kimberly: I wasn't listening. Billy: Me neither. ALL: Yeah, uh huh. Trini: Well, then I'm not telling! You're just going to have to find out! Alpha walks into the Junk Food Bar costume party. Billy: Alpha! What are you doing here? Alpha: I was tired of seeing Zordon have fun fading in and out of dimensions. Furthermore, I look like a giant costume, so hey? Why not? Billy: Oh well. Kimberly: Hey, what's that? Jason: Alpha. Trini: Don't you remember? Kimberly: I remember a lot of things, like that Zachary Taylor was the father of our country. Billy: He was our 12th son, you boytoy. Kimberly: Oh, right. Alpha looks a little different here. Trini: That's because he's not constantly picking up his head. Jason: Oh, something did look different. Zack: Man, even that dumb bucket with black stockings gets more women. Jason: A _derelict_ could get more women than you. Wise up, man. Zack: Thanks a lot. You're a real help. Jason: Don't mention it. Zack: Don't worry--I won't. Frankenblind barges in picking up men and throwing them into punch bowls and punching them. Frankenblind: Want women! Bahhh!! Billy: Could that be -- Tommy? Kimberly: Naww; Tommy walks erect. Billy: He seems to be picking up men and throwing them out the window. Ernie is dressed like Count Dracula standing behind the bar counter where Trini and Kimberly are standing. Ernie: I vant to suck your blaaaaaa-oood. Kimberly: No thanks, Ernie. Ernie: How'd you know it was me? Trini: Didn't you see Dracula? He was handsome. Kimberly: Which you are not. Ernie: Oh yeah. Huh? SCENE VI: Rita: What's wrong with him? He's not tearing up the cities! Finster: That's because apparently he refuses to fight unless he has a mate. That's in the "Frankenstein" sequel. Rita: What?! Finster: I just dumped a bunch of "Frankenstein" scripts in his mind and turned him on. I'm going to have to get him back and then open his brain and stuff the sequel in his mind, if he has room. Rita: Why don't you just take out the script? Finster: Oh yeah, I never thought about that. Rita: That's because you're a nitwit! Finster: Oh yes, my queen. SCENE VII: Billy: That doesn't look like Tommy. Jason (condescendingly): Very good! Billy: I'm going after him. Jason (sarcastically): That's right, why don't we send Trini after him? Billy: You have a very smart lip. I'm going anyway. Trini: I didn't like that at all. Ya know, you'll be hearing from my lawyer. Billy: Goodbye. Jason: See ya. It's your funeral. SCENE VIII: Around Saban's abandoned set for an abandoned desert island (where every monster seems to be found at), Billy goes running after him riding on a horse. AB Writer: Hey Billy, why are you riding a horse? You're not at the party. Billy: Unbelievable, isn't it? Billy grabs a saddle bag full of fireworks and starts throwing fireworks and yelling with guns going off while he's screaming and Frankenblind sees nothing, doesn't moan or turn his head or anything. He keeps going into a cave--for no apparent reason. Billy: Oh well. Billy runs in after Frankenblind, who stumbled into a deep, and dark cave. After a confrontation, FrankenBlind shoves Billy out the way and throws him at a wall. Billy: Something tells me by your bag full of rocks on your back that you're not Tommy. Frankenblind: Thanks for playing the game, Blue Ranger. You've just won a beating in the parking lot. FrankenBlind picks up Billy and tosses him around the cave. Billy: Ugh! Aaaaagh! It's time for molecular transmutation of my physical body structures to tight spandex fabric... Frankenblind: Can it! You've already used up a minute of time talking. Billy: Tribladdertops! Billy gets shoved around and turned upside down when a bunch of nude pictures of Japanese women fall out (because it's stock footage) and Frankenblind throws him around and begins grabbing him by the neck and squeezing him 'til his white padding in his neck runs. Billy: Man, I'm doing worse morphed than I was before. Hey, by the way, I haven't even gotten near you. Frankenblind: That's the thing about these type monsters like me, you can't penetrate me! Hahahahahaha! You lamer! Where's my chic? Billy: If you're talking about Kimberly, she's taken. I better warn the others that my spandex ripped in the lower back. SCENE IX: Billy runs back into the costume party with his Lone Ranger costume ripped up. Billy: Something awful is happening! Kimberly: Yeah, I know. We just had a cyclone. Jason: It's unbelievable how this building can withstand anything. Ernie: I built it out of steel and metal. Jason: YOU built it? Ernie: Yeah. That's why I had to eat a bunch of twinkies to get back to my normal weight. Jason: I'll never understand you. Billy: Worse, it's Rita's monsters. Jason: So what else is new? Trini: I wish Tommy was here to save us, at least he'd have some sensible lines. Jason: Who says he has anything anymore sensible to say? SCENE X: Rita and her goons are in a cave--Rita commanding orders, doing nothing while the Muddies are producing the super-clay from out of nowhere. Rita: What are you fools waiting for? I need that super-clay immediately so I can produce the super-muddies in time for the next episode! Squatt: Almost done! Finster: I don't believe this--we're making monsters out of clay. SCENE XI: Suddenly, the rangers are seen in the command center. Jason: Ain't that great how we cut through Zordon's routine? Zordon: You'll pay for that! Jason: What's up? Zordon: Frankenblind's the latest monster and he's gonna cause a lot of trouble. Alpha, pop in the VHS tape. Alpha: Right. Zordon: He's destroying everything because he doesn't have a woman. Furthermore, that's what he's been told to do. Jason: He's no match for me, I'm E-man. Trini: Oh please, you're making me sick. Billy: No, what's making you sick is that you have five layers of blouses tied to your tummy. Trini: Be quiet, masked-freakshow. Jason: Break it up, losers! It's my moment of ego-tripping. It's morphin time! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus ALL: Pathetic Rangers! SCENE XII: Somewhere in the distance... Tommy finally shows up at the Junk Food Bar to prepare his costume, but he just sits down on some bricks and starts playing "Konkey Dung" on his rad Green Gameboy when a mess of Muddies jump from out of the air and kick him in the stomach and break his video game. Tommy: I don't have time for these party crashers! AB Writer: Well make time. Tommy gets pulled back from two muddies and gets punched in the stomach by 6 of the muddies feet and arms and they sock him 'til he bleeds. Tommy: Wait a minute, this isn't "Cops," so lay off! The muddies tone down and punch him in a more gentle way. Tommy: Jesus, I get put in the 12th scene and now I'm getting beat up, what a raw deal. SCENE XIII: FrankenBlind is beating the living meatballs out of the rangers. Jason: We can't take much more of this beating! Kimberly: That's because he's picking us up by the helmet and throwing us on rocks and in the ocean. Get me out of here! Billy: I'm slipping in quick sand. Jason: Dummy; it says "don't stand, quick sand." Now what are we going to do? Kimberly: I have no idea. ---------- In the command center... Alpha: I can't find Tommy's signal! Zordon: He can't be on the sun. Alpha: Of course not. It's just that Tommy is some special character. You can't locate him. Zordon: Was he some kind of alien baby who received plastic surgery? Alpha: I'll look up his file. SCENE XIV: At the site of where Tommy was being brutally attacked, a giant potato sack is seen with someone struggling in it smack dab in the middle of the concrete while Goldar's laughing. Tommy (muffled voice): This is just peachy king. I get three lines, and now they put me in a bag. These AB Writers will be hearing from me. Goldar: You muddies weren't suppose to put Tommy in a sack! You were suppose to beat him silly! Tommy tears through the sack. Tommy: No you're not! I'm getting out of here before a muddie paddles me with a shovel. I'm outta here! Tommy: BarneyZord! SCENE XV: The rangers face certain doom after Rita commands Frankenblind to grow big. Jason: I don't know what we're going to do now, he's big! Kimberly: We ask for DinoJunk power, twit. Jason: I knew that. It's just that this plot is getting a little predictable. Kimberly: A little? We're talking a permanent memoir. Jason: We need DinoJunk power, now! The gigantic trashcans begin to to make their appearances, bow and then form the MegaJunkaZord to fight Frankenblind. MegaJunkaZord punches Frankenblind's jaw on each side, then socks him in the stomach and upper-cuts his chin. Finally, unscathed Frankenblind stops a flying fist into his face and kicks MegaJunkaZord in the crotch and MegaJunkaZord tumbles down into a building, paralyzed. Trini: We're getting a beating, and we can't get up! Somebody help us! Zack: If only Superman, or Batman, or Wonder Woman.... Wonder Woman, ooo... Jason: Shut up. Zack: Wouldn't you like to be rescued by Wonder Woman? Jason: Yeah, just like how I'd love to hug a boa constrictor, now shut up and act like This Is It! Zack: Right, we're threw, we're history, we're yesterdays news, washed up, canned, has-been's, skittled, we're... Jason: That's enough, Zack. Sheesh. HEY LOOK! It's Tommy! Frankenblind: Huh? Billy: It took you long enough! Tommy: Hey, the bus was late. Jason: Huh? Tommy: Yeah, yeah; I know. Jason: Now stop yap'n and do something! We're about to find out Franky's shoe size down here. Tommy: Right, BARNEYZORD POWER! BarneyZord rises from the coast and approaches the battle scene to pick up MegaJunkaZord. MegaJunkaZord walks up to Frankenblind and gets its chest plate blasted out and falls again. BarneyZord puts its hand over its face in disgrace and goes up to Frankenblind and slaps his face silly with his tail. Suddenly, this horrible giggling is heard emanating from BarneyZord and the Frankenblind monster goes hysterical with insanity until it pulls out its neck bolts and strangles both Zords. Jason (and Co.): MegaBarneyZord, Power Up! As the video rewinds, MegaJunkaZord detaches Pterodorky, and the Trashosaurus and leaves Majormess, Tribladdertops and Sabertoothed Alley-Cat and BarneyZord merges with the three zords and receives its drill-top staff--thus the MegaBarneyZord. The staff (not drilling currently) is grabbed by MegaBarneyZord and it takes the staff and smacks Frankenblind about with it three times. FrankenBlind grabs the staff (while it's still spinning), cuts up his hand and jams the staff into MegaBarneyZord's belly. MegaBarneyZord regains control of the staff and guts Frankenblind and a giant, red, noticeable hole is in his stomach. The pain is so deep that he collapses onto the ground and explodes. Tommy: I know. It's disgusting; but it's Halloween. We've gotta add something to make it not look like every other episode. ---------- Rita: I've got such a bad cramp, it hurts. Frankenblind: You? Look at the bad shape I'm in!? We zoom in on Rita's trashcan where Frankenblind's arms and legs and appendages are seen tossed in, disconnected. Baboo: Oooh, you ARE in bad shape. Frankenblind: I'm ready for the recycling center. You're gonna pay for this! SCENE XVI: Alpha is being seduced by three supermodels until he begins smoking and leaking. Alpha: Cut it out, I'm leaking, I mean.... Zack: I still can't believe Alpha's a ladies' man. Jason: Well, if you'd lose the Young Simba routine, maybe you could at least attract a bag lady. "Count Dracula" Ernie walks up to Alpha. Ernie: I'm giving first prize for best costume to this hunk of metal because he's the only one who hasn't eaten the waxed fruit. Ernie puts the 1st prize blue ribbon on Alpha's chest. Bulk: I don't believe this! Women: Hey, who's the mystery thing? Jason: Wake up! He's a robot! A dumb, flea-market-bought, second-hand, trashcan, hunk of junk, toaster-oven of a robot! How can you be attracted to this hunk of scrap! Are you blind?!? Alpha: He has that time of the month, girls. I'm not REALLY a robot. (Talking out the side of his mouth) Don't embarrass or blow my cover, Jason, or I'll tell Zordon where you hid his Victoria Secrets catalogs. Bulk: I'd like to find out who this garbage compactor is myself. Skull, hand me a power-saw. Alpha: This is one mystery that'll have to go unsolved. Alpha runs away when the supermodels chase him as does Bulk and Skull and every other party go-er. Tommy walks in with his dorky Frankenstein costume and everyone screams thinking FrankenBlind has returned. Tommy takes off the head of his costume. Tommy: It's just me. Sheesh. Get a pacemaker. THE END (C) July 4th, 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... The rangers are putting on a play for Angel Grave High... Trini: I'm so excited about this play! Capbutt: I'm sure. I'm surprised this was even allowed in Angel Grave School. Tommy: I persuaded 'em with my charm and good looks. Jason: Puh-leeze. ...but then Rita gets an idea to steal the broken down "One Armed Bandit" and turns it into the Slot Machine of Terror... Rita: I'm going to turn that thing into the slot-machine of terror! Goldar: For what specific purpose? Rita: So everyone will drain all their money until they have none left to buy any food so they'll starve to death, and die. That way, I'll rule the world! Finster: But how are the people of Angel Grave going to be stupid enough to waste their hard earned potatoes on this stupid thing? Rita: Because I'm going to put a spell over it so that if you look at it, you can't help but to put in at least a penny. But I'm charging 99 cents! Hahahaha! Will Rita succeed in her mission to drain away at the pockets of not-so-swell citizens of Angel Grave? Can MegaJunkaZord resist the spell and not put money into the Slot Machine? Will Tommy be able to fix all of Kimberly's smashed up stuff? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!