Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Slot Machine of Misfortune" Parody of, "Wheel of Misfortune" SCENE I: At Angel Grove High, the rangers and Capbutt are in the playroom working on a play about Las Vegas casino losers (basically, a demented version of "Rumplestilskin"). Trini: I'm so excited about this play! Capbutt: I'm sure. I'm surprised this was even allowed in Angel Grave School. Tommy: I persuaded 'em with my charm and good looks. Jason: Puh-leeze. Tommy: Are you implying you have a better face? Jason: Well, I don't mean to brag... Tommy: ...but we all know you will. Anyway, we don't have time for you to send a Christmas card to yourself. We gotta get with this play. Billy: All right; places, everyone! `Bum in the Casino' scene three. And, action! They begin rehearsals. Trini is dressed in a Las Vegas-like costume and she approaches the prop slot-machine that Kimberly's grandmother loaned her. Trini: Oh boy! I get to play the slot-machine! Trini sticks a nickel in the machine twenty times and everytime, she loses. Trini: Oh what's wrong with this thing?! Poo. Capbutt (not in character): Where's our lead bum? Bulk sloshes into the playroom, extremely late, dressed in a leather jacket and a tie-dyed shirt and jeans. Bulk: Sorry, sir, but uh, I decided to dress like a punk. Capbutt: That kind of attire has no place in this play. Bulk: I know. Capbutt: I don't like you much, Farguson; so I'm giving you one last chance. You may rehearse dressed like that, but on the big night, you wear this penguin cloth suit. Bulk: Whatever you say, Mr. C. Billy: Can we get on with this? Bulk: Sure. Kimberly (saying lines): Oh where art thou my good luck charm to help me win big money on the slot-machine? Bulk: Don't fret! Bulk sticks in a nickel and grabs the handle and yanks at it really hard and breaks it off. Kimberly: You IDIOT! Oh my god! Kimberly grabs hold of the handle on the Slot Machine and the metal that Bulk broke tears away and Kimberly is able to rip off the handle. Kimberly: YOU RUINED MY GRANDMOTHER'S SLOT-MACHINE!! Bulk: Huh? Kimberly: All right, all right, It DOES sound a little stupid. But afterall, this IS a parody. Zack: Your granny owns a slot-machine? Kimberly: Shall I say she steal it? Zack: Hmm. Kimberly: Well, I really don't care for this heap of change-gusseling junk, but what am I going to say to my grandma?! You idiot! You ruined my machine! Bulk: Look, I'm sorry. Kimberly: You're just a big boob! Capbutt: I've had enough for one evening. Let's take five. Tommy: Don't worry, Kim; I'll fix it. I can fix anything. But what'll ya give me for it? Billy (cutting in): Uhh, HEY; how about frozen yogart? Great! My treat! Tommy: Stay outta this, Billy. I think I'm gonna get some lovin' tonight. Kimberly: Dream on. This was irreplaceable. Tommy: Don't worry. I will fix it. You just go get some lunch. SCENE II: At Rita's palace... Rita: Hahahaha! Kimberly's piece of change-draining junk is broken, aye? Squatt, Baboo! I have a job for you! Baboo: Should I wear speedos and a ski-mask? Rita: Please stop. We're on public T.V. That's vulgar. Baboo: Oh, right. Rita: Steal Kimberly's slot-machine and bring it directly to me. Squatt: What does that mean? Rita: That means; no stopping off at hot-dog stands for a snack. I'll be checking your breath too. Baboo: Oh darn. Uh, where is it again? Rita: At the Angel Grave High playroom, idiot! Baboo: Thank you. Rita: I'm going to turn that thing into the slot-machine of terror! Goldar: For what specific purpose? Rita: So everyone will drain all their money until they have none left to buy any food so they'll starve to death, and die. That way, I'll rule the world! Goldar: Gosh, what a way to die. Baboo: I think I'm slowly finding out what that feels like. Rita: Alright, slaves; here's something to eat! Baboo: What is it? It has hands. Rita: It's gruel. Now eat it and get the job done before I change my mind. Baboo: All right, all right. (Slurp, slurp, slurp) Finster: But how are the people of Angel Grave going to be stupid enough to waste their hard earned potatoes on this stupid thing? Rita: Because I'm going to put a spell over it so that if you look at it, you can't help but to put in at least a penny. But I'm charging 99 cents! Hahahaha! SCENE III: At the Junk Food Bar... Kimberly is sitting on a stool at Ernie's bar counter. Kimberly: Hey, Ernie. Ernie: Let me guess; You have some problem I couldn't care less about, right? Kimberly (sarcastically): Thanks a lot for sharing. Ernie: Don't mention it. So what do you want? Milk Shake? Pizza? Pastromi? Hamburger? Kimberly: How about a salad? Ernie: A salad? What's that? Kimberly: Gee, Ernie; I'm surprised you made it to 41 years of age. Ernie: Actually, I'm 24. Kimberly: Huh? You don't look the type. Ernie: I'm insulted! I am getting out of here! SCENE IV: Goldar, Baboo and Squatt each beam into the school's rehearsal room where Kimberly's broken slot-machine is. Goldar: All right, you invalid, toejam brains; grab the slot machine. Squatt: I think it's broken. Baboo: It is, blueberry muffin face. Squatt: Quit calling me names. Baboo: Not in a million years. Goldar: Silence! Grab the thing before those lamers arrive, spot us and turn us into lunch meat. Baboo: Why does everything have to be quick? Goldar: Because Rita's impatient. Now grab the thing and split. Baboo: Okay, okay! Squatt: Isn't this stealing? Goldar: Yes, you fool. If you had a less than a third of a brain you'd see the stamps on our butts that stipulate we're the villains. What do villains do? They steal. I'm getting really fed up with you. I'll slash you guys into a zillion pieces if you don't grab the thing this instant! Baboo: Okay, okay! They finally split with Kim's slot-machine. SCENE V: Tommy and Kimberly are walking down the school hall until they approach the door of the rehearsal room and enter. Tommy: I'm sure I can fix it. C'mon, let's go get it. Kimberly: Okay. They open the door and find the slot-machine gone. Tommy: Oh look, Goldar took it. Kimberly: You're not suppose to know that. Tommy: I'm not? Kimberly: Uh uh. Tommy: Oh, okay. Kimberly: Take two! They open the door and find the slot-machine gone. Tommy: Gosh, I don't know where it is! Kimberly: Someone took it. Tommy: It was here just a minute ago. Kimberly: 60 seconds lapses in that time. Tommy: But not as long as Baboo ran his mouth in the previous scene. Well, we're gonna have to find it. Kimberly: Yeah. Don't you just hate these disgusting Superman stories? SCENE VI: Tommy and Kimberly are patrolling around Ernie's Junk Food Bar asking if they've seen the slot-machine. Tommy: Hey have you seen the slot-machine from the play? Person: No. Tommy (to another): Have you seen the slot-machine from the... Person: No. Tommy (to another): Have you seen the slot-machine from... Person: Sorry. Tommy: Have you seen the... Person: No. Tommy: Have you seen... Person: No. Tommy: Have you... Person: Sorry. Tommy: Have... Wait a sec, this is going no where. Tommy approaches the table Bulk and Skull are sitting at. Bulk is acting silly while Skull is throwing popcorn around acting stupid and silly. Tommy: Hmm. Bulk, have you seen the slot-machine from the play? Bulk: Ha ha ha ha, yeah. I went into the playhouse and stole it. That's my hobby! Ha ha ha ha! Tommy: I'm serious, Bulk! Have you seen the slot-machine? Tell ME! [Ridiculously Serious Music] Billy appears from out of nowhere dressed in a tuxedo and presents an Oscar Award to Tommy. Billy: Congratulations, Tommy. You have just won the Oscar Award for most hammed-up performance since "Forrest Chump." Congratulations. Tommy: Oh gee, thanks. [Serious music starts again] Anyway, I'm serious, Bulk. Have you seen the slot-machine? TELL ME! Bulk: What would I be doing with a slot-machine. Tommy: Well since this a parody, and it being a slot-machine instead of a spinning wheel, plenty. Bulk: Why? Tommy: Make lots of moolah to blow on a pair of pre-ripped jeans. Bulk: Makes sense. Well I didn't take it. Skull: Yeah, he didn't take it. Tommy: I don't believe you two. You are compulsive liars. Bulk: Would you stop harassing me? Tommy: Well, all right. I'll be back. Tommy walks off and goes back to an anxious Kimberly, who's standing in a corner. Kimberly: Any luck? Tommy: No. None at all. SCENE VII: At Rita's palace... Rita starts her incantation while waving her hands around a crystal ball preparing to curse the slot-machine. Rita: Sheembo Ra; Shambo Ree; Sheena Easton! Make this slot-machine into--the Slot Machine of Terror! Rita's spell causes the slot-machine to transform into a black and purple painted machine with a red handle and an evil face atop the machine. Finster: It's pretty impressive. But how is everyone going to use up all their money? Rita: Easy. No matter how many times you play, you don't win. And just to make sure this plan is sealed shut, I'm going to make it say "ten bucks for the big play." Goldar: This is ingenious. The time length of our victory just may last five minutes longer than it usually does! Rita: Be quiet, Goldar, and go play "Scrabble." I have work to do! Rita walks off. Squatt: Goldar, have you gone bananas? This plot will be a bigger bust than "Caf‚ Americain"! Goldar: You're right. This hiest probably won't last long enough to get a kangaroo in an arm-lock with the chicken pox! Rita: Now that this is happening, our Sherlock Tommy should be kept out of the way! I'm going to have worthless Muddies tie him up (like I'll continue to do for about five more episodes) and keep him at bay--like in a lake! Hahaha! Goldar: Tell me something, my empress; what good'll that do? Tommy is an added character. Other than the fact that he acts like a telekinetic being, he has no substantial value or use to the Pathetic Rangers. Technically, you could stab him to death and it really wouldn't make a difference. Rita: Well, it's just a reputable excuse to prevent Tommy from morphing with the others in this episode, okay? Now let's drop it! SCENE VIII: Kimberly walks to the stairs of the Junk Food Bar with a sad look when the rest of the rangers follow her and do the same in sarcasm. Trini: So what are you going to do now? Wallow is self-pity? Jason: It's just a stupid slot-machine. She needs to kick the habit anyway. Kimberly: I'll never be able to look into my grandmother's eyes again. Zack: If I knew your grandma right, you probably should be so lucky. She's probably two seeds short of a watermelon. Kimberly (sarcastically): Oh you're real comforting. Zordon pages the team. Jason: Yeah, Zordon? Zordon: I thought this sad, sappy mush plot was starting to get too long; so I figured we'd get real a bit. Rita's up to something again. Jason: So what else is new? Zordon: This is Rita's worst plan of all time. A sharp silence hovers the hallway for about five seconds. Jason: No Comment. Coming. SCENE IX: They teleport into the middle of the Command Center when they all have to unstick from being teleported into the same space. Billy: I hate it when that happens. Zordon: Check out the viewing globe. Trini: Exsqueeze me? Did you just say something other than "_observe_ the viewing globe"? Alpha: He's been watching "Hangin' With Mr. Cooper." Zordon: Yes--cool program. Anyway, as you can see, Rita and her vandel-goonies swiped the slot-machine and is using it to drain everyone's bank book 'til they can't afford a can of soup. Kimberly: That's terrible! Alpha: You're telling me! Kimberly: So that's what happened to it. Zordon: Right now, Tommy is doing nothing in the woods allowing himself to be vulnerable to attacking Muddies. Scene switch, please. SCENE X: Tommy is hanging around outside in the woods/park when Muddies appear and start attacking him. For a few seconds it looks like Tommy has the upper hand until a Muddie tears down his pants. While Tommy's pulling them up, a Muddie kicks him down a very tall, steep mountain where he lands on a really hard surface--sustaining no injury. The Muddies' semi-cosmic shock-absorbers allow them all to jump down the 70 foot tall mountain and land on their feet. Soon after, the muddies get some twine rope from out of a nonexistent pocket and tie up Tommy really good. Tommy goofs again and leaves all his secret power in his backpack, which the muddies grab and play with. Tommy: Aww man! Why did I goof and leave my stuff in my backpack again!? AB Writers: Well, I guess because you're an idiot. SCENE XI: Back at the command center... Alpha: I guess that filled you in. Now go out there and get 'em, guys! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus ALL: PATHETIC RANGERS! Suddenly, Scorpina and Goldar are just automatically big and seem to come from nowhere. Zack: Oh no, not again. Billy: That's right... Jason: Yup, time for more DinoJunk Power... SCENE XI: Capbutt, Ernie, Appleweed, Sandwicha and every other resident of Angel Grave are competing to get to the floating one-armed bandit to pay $10 a pull. While they are all chanting, "...need more money..." over and over. SCENE XII: Tommy is laying around wrapped up like a Burrito when Tommy yanks his arm out of the ropes and grabs an un-marked bag from nowhere and pulls out a chili dog and tempts a Muddie. When the Muddie goes for it, Tommy tosses the Chili Dog over the cliff. The Muddie falls over the side and lands in a shallow pond. We have a shot of the Muddie splashing around in the water, trying to keep from drowning while he's trying to get the high-above chili dog. We slowly zoom in on the branch from which the chili dog landed on. Tommy: That should take care of that lint-brain. Another Muddie comes around to stop Tommy from getting loose when Tommy takes out a Hot Tamale from out of his Bag O' Tricks and rams it down the Muddie's mouth. The Muddie starts jumping around, fanning his mouth. Then, Tommy just kicks down another Muddie. Tommy: Man, you clay-brains are unbelievable. Tommy is paged and he grabs his backpack again, and gets out his communicator. Tommy: What's gone wrong now? Zordon: I've been paging you for hours! It's about time. What kept you? Tommy: Taking Muddies to lunch. What's up? Zordon: The Pathetic Rangers are on the brink of playing the slot-machine themselves. Tommy: What slot-machine? Zordon: Didn't I already tell you about the change-drinking contraption? Tommy: No. Zordon: Oh, well Rita has made an evil slot-machine out of Kimberly's slot-machine to deflate the Angel Grave citizen's change-pockets. Sometimes their credit cards. It will accept Visa or MasterCard. Tommy: Is it some kind of infomercial? Zordon: No. Tommy: The rangers don't have any money, they blow it all on a meal. Zordon: They get paid enough to drain their entire salary though. Tommy: Oh my. Zordon: Yeah, well that's why we need you; you're thrifty. Tommy: Oh all right. But you owe me a few; literally. Zordon: And may the power... Tommy: Yeah right. I'm outta here. Tommy: BarneyZord SCENE XIII: The MegaJunkaZord is formed and is ready for action with the grown Scorpina and Goldar. Jason: I think maybe we should split up this time. Zack: Then why the hell did we need all this stock footage for? Jason: I wasn't sure. Zack: Oh gawd! The MegaJunkaZord separates and Trashosaurus is left to deal with the slot-machine that keeps tempting the Trashosaurus (no longer under Jason's control) to play the slot-machine. Jason: What am I gonna do!? He's going after it! Billy: Don't worry, we'll save you! Jason: No! Save yourselves! This is it! Trini: Doahkay. Several cherries, lemons, bells and other things come spilling out of the slot-machine and explode all over Trashosaurus. Jason: We're not doing so swell! Trini: Our Zords' pockets are empty. If it drains all our money; we're history! Zack: Yeah, The FOX Network needs that! Jason: For what? They pay us! Kimberly: Forget it. Meanwhile, the controls are all locked up and he can't stop playing. One-Armed Bandit: That's right, keep it going. Oooh, yes! This cash flow is SO good! Billy: Sounds like Kimberly. Meanwhile, Scorpina and Goldar are on the prowl and are attacking each individual zord. Billy: Ugh! Trini: Ah! Can't control it! Jason: If only Tommy were here! Tommy: Do not fear! Super Tom is here! Jason: Took you long enough. Tommy: How about I just don't help you at all? Jason: All right, all right. Tommy: Time for BarneyZord Power!! Billy: What's to say BarneyZord won't empty his pockets? Tommy: It doesn't have any money. The Barney & Idiot's Association of America doesn't know what money is! They are literally a NON-Profit Organization! Jason: And even if they wanted to be a Profit Association, they couldn't make any money. Tommy: That's not the point! We need BarneyZord Power, now! Wait a sec, that's not right. I'm suppose to blow this flute first. Tommy starts blowing the flute off-key. BarneyZord: I know I'm not suppose to talk and all, but you really ought to tune that thing up. Zack: Got a point. Jason: Let's go and kick some tail. Ten seconds later... We dissolve to another picture where MegaJunkaZord is in a cast laying up against a mountain and BarneyZord is laying on his back with his foot in a cast hanging from a rope. Kimberly: The viewers didn't have to see that. Zack: Time for another quick and unbelievable ending. Jason: That's right, we need the power of Titanic and the UltraJunkaZord! Billy: Wait a minute! Jason: What? Billy: Where'd we get this Titanic UltraJunkaZord? Jason: Oh yeah. Well, see we had this little lame episode ago called "Gung Ho" that the writers didn't feel like parodying. Tommy and I worked together to find some fighting machine, and out came Titanic. Zack: Sounds stupid ta me. But anything to lower our risk of death. Titanic (a big dinosaur-looking zord with a slender, elongated neck) begins rolling from out of what appears to be a smoky island. MegaJunkaZord jumps up under the BarneyZord and BarneyZord acts as MegaJunkaZord's shoulders. The entire contraption jumps into Titanic and forms the UltraJunkaZord and this big explosion of fire blows up behind the AWE-SOME zord. Once created, the UltraJunkaZord destroys the Slot-Machine of Terror and millions of dollars come pouring out of the thing like rain and everyone gets their money back. SCENE XV: At Angel Grave High, Bulk and Skull are procrastinating in the back hall watching the Pathetic Rangers on the news getting their weekly dosage of unreasonably nauseating appraise (reported by--ironically--the same boring guy who does Pledge drives for PBS's children programming). Meanwhile, the rangers are performing the play on stage. Jason: If you do not win me $90,000,000 tonight then, well... you will be tortured and mangled on the rack. See ya. Jason blows his handkerchief when a cloud of dust goes through his nose and he sneezes, causing himself to trip all over the place and knock the props around. Jason tries to spare some dignity and graces away from the set. Kimberly: Oh where art thou my good luck charm to help me win at this slot-machine?... Oh where art thou my good luck charm... [Half smile to the audience]. Hey promiseland, didja hear me? Billy is shoving a late Bulk onto the set. Billy: Get in there, already! Bulk: Sorry, sorry! Take a chill pill, alright? Billy: Uh, yeah. Bulk: I shall play and win you all the money you need. Ernie is lurking behind a prop showing Bulk signs to ask for a smoochie from Kimberly. Bulk: Give me a kiss, fair babe? Kimberly: Yes. Bulk puckers up and goes after Kimberly with his lips drooling and Kimberly shoves him back. Kimberly: But first you have to win my money! Bulk: Oh, all right. Bulk goes for the machine and tears his pants (for no apparent reason). Skull: Way to bear your butt, Bulk! Bulk: Skullll!!! Kimberly faces the comedically entertained audience. Kimberly: Uh, the end. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Zack spends the entire episode annoying the living daylights out of both the cast and writers with... Zack: I just don't have what it takes to win. Jason: Would you stop saying that!? Zack: Why? It's a cool line. Jason: Daaah! Zack: I just don't have what it takes to... Jason throws a book at him. Zack: OWW! Cut that out! I just don't... Jason: Don't start with me! ...but then Rita comes up with a somewhat brilliant plan to use Zack's (and the rest of their) lameness against them! Rita: Uhhh, I'm going to bring in the ever powerful and evil LOCO! Goldar: But, Loco is insane! According to the revolutionary chart, his brains rank someplace between cow feed and head lice. He escaped from the Institute For Floating Heads three days ago. Rita: So? Scorpina: I like the plan. Squatt: Kiss-up! ---------- Rita: Anyway, I've been saving this monster; he's Skinless man. Goldar: I thought he was George Wright? Rita: He WAS before I tore his entire skin figure off and ate it and left his organs, bones and muscles. He was kicking and screaming when I released him from his flesh coating. Anyway, I'm gonna put a spell over him, longer lasting than my Green Ranger scam that went down the toilet! Second, when Skinless Man beats the rangers, and I know he will because if he doesn't, we won't have a plot for part one, I'm taking them to an involuntary trip to my junkyard of illusion! Can the Pathetic Rangers retain their breakfast after fighting the ugliest monster of all?--Skinless Man? Will Jason kill Zack for overusing the same boring line? Will the, wait a sec; I forgot the rest of my lines. Oh well, just Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!