Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Junkyard of Illusion, Part I" Parody of, "Island of Illusion, Part I" SCENE I: At a noticeably dim-lighted Junk Food Bar/Youth Center, The Pathetic Rangers are standing around stairs and tables looking at Zack practise for an impending dance contest-- opposite Bulk. Zack is obviously dancing nearly like a professional. Kimberly: I hate dancing, Zack. Jason: Yeah, dancing is for girls! Zack finishes his routine and assumes a depressed expression. Billy: Physically speaking, Zack's physical gyrations are the equivalence to an orangutan. Trini takes a deep breath, readying to translate Billy's lingo when Zack interrupts her. Zack: I don't wanna know. Man, just I don't have what it takes to win. Trini: The sad part is, you do. Tommy is someplace else (as usual) teching 8-10 year olds karate. Tommy: That's the way to hurricane kick. Okay? Got it? Kid: Right, attack anyone who makes fun of you. Tommy: Excuse me a minute. [To himself]: These kids are going to put me into my grave! I _told_ those marshmallow brains NOT to attack for no real reason! Ugh!! [Back to students]: Hi. No, you don't kick at will. Listen, I'll explain--again-- tomorrow. Kid: Okay. Bye. Tommy: Yeah, yeah. Zack: I just don't have what it takes to win. Jason: Would you stop saying that? Zack: Why? It's a cool line. Jason: Daaah! Zack: I just don't have what it takes to... Jason throws a book at him. Zack: OWW! Cut that out! I just don't... Jason: Don't start with me! Zack: Bye. I'm going to sulk now. Kimberly: Hey writers, how much to cheer the bum up? AB Writers: How 'bout two nickels and three quarters? Kimberly: Fair enough, c'mon guys lets go cheer up Zack. Jason: Okay. SCENE II: Back at Rita's Palace of hell... Rita: I crave problems! Goldar: Why is it when Zack is feeling down in the dumps, you make his day worse? Rita: Because it's fun. I've had it! I want to destroy them once and for all. Squatt: Is that a possibility? Rita: Shut up, Squatt! Baboo: I told you she wasn't going to like that. Rita: Uhhh, I'm going to bring in the ever powerful and evil LOCO! Goldar: But, Loco is insane! According to the revolutionary chart, his brains rank someplace between cow feed and head lice. He escaped from the Institute For Floating Heads three days ago. Rita: So? Scorpina: I like the plan. Squatt: Kiss-up! Scorpina: Shut up, blue-matter head. Rita: Look, I'm going to drag out my old ragtime buddy and make the Pathetic Rangers snack on their own stomachs. Goldar: I shall help! Rita: Why? Just to play jacks with Jason? Goldar: That was fun. Rita: Be quiet. Unless you plan to be a real warrior and not just some obnoxious louse, I have no use for you. Goldar: Okay. Rita: Okay, what? Goldar: Both. Rita: You stumped me! You know what the penalty for that is! Goldar: Oh no! What's the name of Jason's uncle? Rita: Who. Goldar: The name of Jason's uncle. Rita: Who. Goldar: I don't know, I'm asking you. Rita: His name is Who. Goldar: I have no idea who he is. Rita: That's right! Baboo: These mind bending Abbott and Costello routines are making my aspirins return. Goldar: Enough! You have a job to do, so do it! Finster: I suggest you get the puppy faced monster, he... Rita: Shut up, Finster! I'm tired of your "Mary Poppins" puppet monsters. I want something gross and disgusting. Baboo: Yeah, like yourself! Rita: Uhhh. Baboo: Uh, Squatt said it. Squatt: No I didn't, I was asleep. Rita: How come it is you're always CONVENIENTLY asleep? Squatt: I don't know, I fade in and out, my queen! Rita: Anyway, I've been saving this monster; he's Skinless man. Goldar: I thought he was George Wright? Rita: He WAS before I tore his entire skin figure off and ate it and left his organs, bones and muscles. He was kicking and screaming when I released him from his flesh coating. Anyway, I'm gonna put a spell over him, longer lasting than my Green Ranger scam that went down the toilet! Second, when Skinless Man beats the rangers, and I know he will because if he doesn't, we won't have a plot for part one, I'm taking them to an involuntary trip to my junkyard of illusion! Goldar: Yeah, yeah. Well this palace hell scene is getting too long. Let's switch a scene, or two. SCENE III: Jason's Communicator beeps. Jason: Zordon, what's up? Zordon: Wanna chat? What do you think of Shannen Doherty's tight buns? ALL: HUH? Zordon: Can't a floating head have hormones too? Billy: Yeah, but what can you do with them? Jason: Uh yeah, whatever. We've got things to do, like get attacked you know? Bye. Zordon: Bye. But I will beep you soon. Like now. Some odd earthquake takes place. Ernie: Oh no! I hate when this happens, not only do my 3 big-macs swarm around in my gut, but my belly takes me everywhere! Jason: A diet: look into it. Ernie: And give up pizza breakfasts? Billy: The intraterrastrial magma disturbance is causing the shifting of the planet's surface plates most likely due to ultra-high frequencies emanating from the lunar surface... Jason: This is no time for line noise babble! Zordon, fill us in. Zordon: All of a sudden NOW you want me to talk? Alpha: You are acting like some kid. Zordon: Oh, all right. Observe the viewing globe. Jason: What viewing globe? We're in the Junk Food Bar. Tommy: Maybe he wants us to use our imaginations. Jason: If you don't have anything logical to say, then just shut up. Billy: But what do you know about logic? Kimberly: Billy, wanna make-out here? Billy: This location is really not a romantic environment. After all, we don't want internal liquids to stain the surrounding structure. Tommy: What do you mean? Jason: This isn't the time, or place, let's go find Zack. Tommy: Just because you don't have a love life means that everybody else has to do what you say? Jason: Love life? What are you talking about? Billy: Who really wants to find Zack? Tommy: Yeah, he's a stupid person. Trini: Not me, I might get rabies. Kimberly: Not me. Billy: C'mon, he doesn't bite. Jason: Besides, we need his Majormess to make the MegaJunkaZord. Tommy: Zordon picks only the worst. SCENE IV: Zack is sitting on a rock in that usual abandoned fighting park humping his back in depression. Zack: I just don't have what it takes... Jason: I know death causing karate moves, if you don't stop, I'LL!!!! Billy: We need you to help us; Rita's up to something. Zack: Up to what? I'm busy. Trini: Busy doing what? The ducks would be aimlessly roaming the lake in blindness if you were jacking off. Zack: No, I wasn't. And even if I were, what business is it of yours? Jason: Plenty, if Rita's up to something. Zack: Up to what? I'm busy. Trini: Busy doing what? The ducks would be aimlessly roaming the lake in blindness if you were... Billy: Wait a minute, did someone just put on a rerun? Trini: No, we just think it saves money to say the same lines over and over again a few times. Zack: I just don't have what it takes to... Jason: Just shoot me why don't you? End it ALL! Billy: I can't wait 'til this stupid parody is over. It's giving me a headache. Trini: Here's another thing to give you a 7.8 earthquake of a headache, muddies! Zack: I have the japanese footage on videotape! Zack rewinds some old muddie fight and stops it when it's time for Loco to chew on two pounds of garlic and breathe on the rangers. Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus SCENE V: Tommy is just sitting around watching "Oprah" in the Junk Food Bar when he gets a beep. Tommy: Yeah, Zordon? Zordon: Morph. Tommy: I'm on my way. Hey Ernie, watch the brats. Ernie: Okay. Tommy: Don't eat what Ernie tells you to eat. Kid: Okay. Ernie: I'll watch 'em. Ernie walks out of the Junk Food Bar and enters his car and drives off and the kids are left all alone in the Junk Food Bar. SCENE VI: Jason: Help! We need help! We need DinoJunk power, now! Kimberly: Or at least Tonya Harding's bodyguard! The Zords arrive and the rangers jump up and enter their zord. Jason: Rangers, logon! Zack: All right! Suddenly, I'm in a good mood! Billy: Transmutations of the... Trini: Let's roll back the rock! Kimberly (Long Pause): Am I expected to say something? Jason: Yes, you're suppose to say something completely out of this world. Kimberly: Okay. Let's win! Jason: Ugh. Anyway, Rangers, power up your lollipops! Billy & Trini: Right. Zack & Kimberly: Morphy. Jason: Let's not open that can of worms. Anyway, let's get beat up! ALL: YEAH! They start attacking the pre-grown Skinless Man. Tommy: BarneyZord! Tommy: Alright! Let's have some BarneyZord power! Tommy whips out his BarneyZord flute to play Yankee Doodle Dandy. BarneyZord arrives and attempts to destroy SkinLess Man. Rita: Hahaha, you think Skinless Man's gross! Check out my friend Loco! He's insane and he'll blow you away! Literally! Jason: I can't believe this is happening. Trini: I can't believe Rita's plan! Billy: I can't believe I didn't use the bathroom before morphing. Trini: Do you, like, have diarrhea? Jason: Someone remind me to buy Billy a pair of Depends. Billy: Ugh! Loco (caveman like voice): Huh? Rita: Attack! Loco (caveman like voice): Uh. Loco starts breathing at the Pathetic Rangers blowing their zords away. Jason: Aww man, this stench! I can't take it! Skinless Man begins doing his laundry. Kimberly: Could he be doing his laundry? Jason: I don't think so. Look! Skinless Man rings out all the soap from the clothes onto MegaJunkaZord and BarneyZord and they both collapse and the rangers fall out to this big rock island with piles and piles of recyclables and garbage. Billy is sitting on an old tire with goo on it, Zack is lying in a trashcan (for once, not sterilized), Jason has his head stuck in an old pair of boots, and Trini finds something she's always wanted: a teddy bear (except torn up and missing about 2 thirds of stuffing), and Kimberly is standing on an old bed, while Tommy is stuck inside a sack of thrown away potatoes. Jason: Man, what is this place? Kimberly: I think we accidentally wandered onto the backyard set of Sanford and Son. Trini: Either that, or we're in a unsanitary junkyard, and I just bought this dress, too. Kimberly: What dress? That looks like a 1923 rug that hasn't been washed. Trini: I got it from my father. Kimberly: Who's he? Trini: President of TOEI! Tommy: What does this have to do with the fact I can't get out of a bag of soft, mushy, apples? Billy: Someone get me off this tire, it has gum on it! Zack: Hey, a Snickers bar! Yumm! Billy: Gimme that. Zack opens his mouth wide open to eat the bar and Billy swipes the candy bar out of his hands. Billy: You'll have ulcers for eternity. Zack: I haven't eaten since my after-lunch snack. Trini: Oh, a teddy bear! It looks dreamy! Kimberly: It's also missing an arm, leg, eyeball and 2 thirds of stuffing and it's turning the shade of purple. Trini: It's still cute. Jason: That flea-bitten thing could give someone cancer. Now then, everyone listen to me! Trini: Why? Jason: I'm made of steel. Tommy: Are you the Terminator or something? Jason: No! Just do what I say. They all bunch up around Jason and each other walking around the jungle island. Kimberly: Scary. Tommy: I forgot. This just in from the FOX Children's Power Supply Co.: We don't have our coins or communicators. Jason: Okay. Let's go. Later... Tommy: This just in: there's a little elf retired by the "Keebler" Cookie's Cartoon Department who has won 60 academy awards inside a year for most overacting, ugly, disgusting, pitiful acting in the nation of the U.S., plus the worst rhyming in all of history. Kimberly: Scary, it's like these cob-webs are made of silk! Jason: That's because they are, airhead. Billy: That's why I like her. Tommy: Huh? You're mine, four eyes!!! Billy and Tommy attack each other screaming obscenities at each other. Kimberly: Uh - uh; He was just kidding, Tommy! Tommy: Oh. Tommy, about to punch Billy's lights out, drops him. Billy tries to pick up the pieces of himself, including lop-sided glasses, frizzed up hair, two holes in his pants and three holes in his underpants. He lets out a grunt and falls to the ground again. Billy: Now you tell 'em, Kim. Jason: You're ruining my leader authority! Trini: No one crowned you. Jason: Oh yeah? Jason grabs a table with a checkerboard on it. Jason: I got three of your pieces, crown me! Trini: I don't mean checkers, you moron! Jason: Forget it. Let's keep going. SCENE VII: In the command center... Alpha: Aye yi yi! What do we do now? The Pathetic Rangers are on a distant junkyard! Zordon: Well, at least we don't have to deal with them anymore. Go call Beavis and Butthead; maybe they'll wanna help us save the world. Alpha: That won't work. They'd spray paint your head-tube before they do anything for anybody. So, what do we do? Zordon: According to our legal contracts as of this episode, nothing. Alpha: Why not? Zordon: Because we were told to. Alpha: Why? Zordon: Oh yes--more cue cards: because the rangers must rely on their own brain power to get out of this mess and get their power back. I hope to GOD they can do it. Alpha: Me too. Zordon: They'll have to let the power protect them. Alpha: Isn't this like what you tell them ALL the time? Zordon: I guess you're right. Well, good night. Zordon goes to sleep. SCENE VIII: Back at the distant junkyard... Zack: I thought I saw a little elf like... nevermind. Tommy: I thought I just told you about that little dork. Kimberly uncovers a bunch of plants and notices this midget-elf named Quackmiser playing on a wooden flute examining his thongs. Kimberly: Hello? Quackmiser: Ahhhh! Kimberly: We were wondering if you could help us. You see, Rita... Quackmiser: Rita! No friend of Rita's is a friend of mine. You can't fool Quackmiser, Rita sent you here. Jason: You're not doing the script right, Quackmortemer. You're suppose to do a lot of lousy rhymes according to this script. Quackmiser: Oh right. Bye! [POOF!] Kimberly: But ah... Jason: Ahh, we don't need that 36-inch muffin head. Zack: Yeah. Zack walks up to a plant and starts acting whimpy. Zack: Aaaaaah!! A fly! EH! EH! I hate flies! Eh!! Eh!! You can't fight something like that! Aaaah!! Tommy: Oh, buy a spine. Billy: Yeah, there's nothing there. And even if there was, get a gut. Jason: Someone's gonna have to slap him upside the head. Trini: And you call yourself a Pathetic Ranger! Zack: I am pathetic! Ahhhhh!! I don't feel so good. Zack begins to fade away until his top is only showing. Kimberly: Well, it's no wonder you don't feel good. I've been counting down your meals for the day. Let's see: two Jello's and cream pies with a side-dish of over-greasy fries; for lunch, broccoli topped with Cheez Whiz with two stakes, mashed potatoes and gravy; Potato Chips and sour cream for a snack and a cream puff for another snack... Jason: You fool! While you were nauseating everyone with Zack's regular eating habits, Zack's gotten knee-deep in invisible ink... Dah--I mean, he's fading away. Billy: Would it really be all that bad if we let Zack drown in self-pity? Jason: It would cost a lot for Saban Entertainment to cut out Zack in every episode. Besides, how would we make up for all that stock footage? Billy: You're right. FIGHT IT! FIGHT IT! FIGHT IT! Suddenly, King Jinx, Fudgy Fig, Terry Toad, and The Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight appear. Trini: Oh no! Now they're going to steal my makeup again! Zack: Hallelujah! I'm back! Trini: Keep fading, no one said you were whole yet. Just keep thinking about that time you ate yourself into delirium. Zack: Oh, okay, HMMMMM!! Jason: Time to fight! Kimberly: I don't get it. We've fought these monsters and destroyed them before! The monsters disappear. Tommy: Aww man, this is freaking me out, and the mousse in my hair is drying. Jason: Aw man, this is too weird. What is this mess? Suddenly, a 3-dimensional picture that's wiggling of Goldar's head appears in the sky. Goldar: This mess was started by K.B. Nightingale; A rock band protesting against recycling, cleanly apartments and less trash. So, we decided to take this place and make all you six go insane 'til you fade away like some kind of chocolate chip cookie. Did you know Lizzy Borden is buried under that kitchen sink that you're standing in, Green Vomit Ranger? Tommy: EEE! Goldar: Hahahahaha, I was kidding! SUCKER! Bye bye. Zack: Does anybody care that the only thing left of me is my hair? Jason: Don't worry, as tall as your crazy hairdo is, you can last forever! Goldar: Anyway, enough gags, nothin's real but the stinky trash and the danger! AA hahahahaha! [Demonic laughter that gets louder until he starts choking] TO BE CONTINUED... (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... With the Rangers without their coins, communicators and Zordon and Alpha goofing off playing "Konkey Dung County," "Immoral Kumquat," "Space Donkeys" and "Space Ninjas"; the Rangers seek help from a "Wee-Sing" Nursery Rhymes reject. Quackmiser: If Rita makes you doubt and fear, soon you're going to drink a beer. Tommy: You don't make no sense. Do you rhyme just for the hell of it? Quackmiser: Most days, but I can see by your red eyes you want me to get real, huh? Zack: Would be nice since the only thing left of me is 2 inches of hair. Can the Rangers last long enough before they all disappear by thinking of bending a few previous episode clips? Will Tommy kill Billy because of finding out about how easy Kimberly is with Billy? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!