Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Junkyard of Illusion, Part II" Parody of, "Island of Illusion, Part II" LAST TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Zack is dancing like no regular 18-year-old can, and is pretending like he's not good enough to win a dance contest! Zack: ...Man, I just don't have what it takes to win. ...meanwhile, Rita revives the gross and repulsive Skinless Man (who has every single organ in his body hanging from his belly)! In part II, can the rangers stay on the Junkyard of Illusion for tea? Find out today on pathetic rangers! SCENE I: Zack is fading until his head is the only thing left, while the others are still stuck on the island. Zack: There is only one eighth of my hair left! Trini: Oh no! We need help! Kimberly: All you do is whine and wail, and that's why you haven't had a date in two years. Trini: Look, this is serious. We need help! Kimberly: No, Zack does. And frankly, I couldn't care less. Trini: Oh shut up, bubble head. What was that guy's name? Uhh, Quirkweenie? Jason: Quackfrier? Tommy: Guacamole? Billy: Quackmiser!! Gosh, you brain degenerates cannot retain an ounce of information. Quackmiser flashes into the scene. Quackmiser: What do you want? I was eating lunch. Billy: And from your clothes stain, I can tell you had a salami on rye. Quackmiser: How would you know? Billy: Lucky guess? Quackmiser: Anyway, I don't like you, and I don't like your choice in clothes, so bug off, or tell me what the heck you want? Jason: Well since you asked so nicely, Rita threw us in a dump site of illusions and she's--well, making Zack fade away because he's drowning in self-pity. Quackmiser: What's he so upset about? He dances like a professional. Jason: Pretty sad, huh? Quackmiser: You're no friend of Rita's? Jason (scratching his head while eyes are looking up): I don't think so... Quackmiser: Great! Then I'm your friend--but you still wear goofy clothes. Jason: So do you. Your clothes look like someone weaved together some "Green Giant" peas. Quackmiser: Cork it before I change my mind. Trini: Be nice, Jason. Jason: All right. I've never had to be nice to anybody before. Quackmiser: If Rita makes you doubt and fear, soon you're going to lose an ear. Billy: Huh? Quackmiser: If Rita makes you doubt and fear, soon you're going to drink a beer. Tommy: You don't make no sense. Do you rhyme just for the hell of it? Quackmiser: Most days--but I can see by your red eyes you want me to get real, huh? Zack: Would be nice, since the only thing left of me is two inches of hair. Quackmiser: If Rita makes you doubt and fear, soon you're going to disappear. Zack: Oh. That makes sense, now I know what to do. Billy: What? Zack: I don't know. Jason: Why don't you try thinking about when you did something right for a change? Zack: I'll try to think of something. I remember! It was that Nasty Fright- Wigged Knight! ========== (Clip From Previous Parody): Rita's Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight approaches Zack attempting to scare the willies outta him. Zack: Nice to meet you. Rita: Why isn't your hair standing up straight? Zack: He looks my grandma. Rita: I knew this wasn't going to work! Just fight him til you start feeling enormous amounts of pain and suffering! Zack: All right, all right! Zack: Majormess! Zack: You're mine! UGH! Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight takes his sword and slams it at Zack's chest, blows him up and fries his Power Ax to a dark crisp. ..... Suddenly, Zack's lame battle scene with Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight is dissolved into a shot of when the MEGAJUNKAZORD destroyed the monster with a sword and with the other five rangers being involved; edited to make it look like Zack destroyed the monster himself in this clip. ========== (Back to the parody): Zack: Hey! It worked! Trini: Yeah, with a little exaggerated imagination, anything could happen. Tommy: Yeah. Uh oh! You're all Muddies. Tommy looks around himself and sees his friends as muddies. Jason: We are? Tommy: Oh yeah! You're all mine! Kimberly: What's your problem? Billy: Yeah, it's me, Billy, your pal! Tommy: I'll show ya! I'll take YOU first! I can take you all on! Zack: Cut it out! You don't know what you're doing, man! Tommy: Too many! You're going to put me into my grave. Goldar: Hahahaha, you're so stupid to fall for these holographic pictures! Tommy starts fading. Kimberly: Not this again. Juicequincher! Trini: That's Quackmiser. Jason: What's the difference? They're both just as totally out of this century. (POOF!) Quackmiser appears. Quackmiser: Someone screw up my name again? Kimberly: I hope not. Quackmiser: Yeah you did. But the free money is worth anything, including working with six over-confident, pre-adults. Anyway, Tommy, you are strong, don't go wrong, don't you worry, you'll be strong. Quackmiser swings his fists like a boxer. Tommy: Da hell is that suppose to mean? Quackmiser: How should I know? I'm really George Burns, but hey, like I say, anything for extra pay. Just thing of something totally bogus and you'll stop fading. I got a racket ball game. Tommy: Maybe I should think about something! Jason: That's what he just said, stupid. ========== (Clip From Previous Parody): Somewhere in the distance... Tommy finally shows up at the Junk Food Bar to prepare his costume, but he just sits down on some bricks and starts playing "Konkey Dung" on his rad Green Gameboy when a mess of Muddies jump from out of the air and kick him in the stomach and break his video game. Tommy: I don't have time for these party crashers! Tommy gets pulled back from two muddies and gets punched in the stomach by 6 of the muddies feet and arms and they sock him 'til he bleeds. ========== Tommy: Huh? Wait a minute! Nothing good came outta that fight. Jason: Wrong clip, writers. Tommy: Don't worry, I'll help. ========== Tommy dreams about being Green Ranger with Jason on the floor and he's slamming his hand repeatedly on his face and he's bleeding. When the clip is over, Tommy is smiling and with his entire body there. Tommy snickers. Jason: Wonder what he's so giddy about? SCENE II: Back at Rita's palace... Goldar: Uh Rita, I'm beginning to think that our not-so-brilliant plan is going to go straight down the sewer. All they have to do is exaggerate some marvelous battle that you failed miserably and pitifully at and they're back! Rita: Goldar, I should be-head you! But I'm not, just show me your fanny! Goldar gets a kick in the rear end by Rita. Rita: Now shut up! They all can't think of rerun parodies. Can they? SCENE III: Back at the Junkyard of Illusions... Tommy: Hey, I'm back! Kimberly: Huh? Kimberly walks over to the lake and sees Bulk and Skull dressed in angel costumes, acting nice. "Bulk": Look, there's a cute little pussycat. Should we feed him? "Skull": Should we choke him 'til all his insides cave in? "Bulk": No! We're caring and compassionate. We love all life. Kimberly: Huh? Bulk -- and Skull . . .? Being nice? "Bulk": Shall we? "Skull": Of course. "Bulk" and "Skull" let go of the optical illusion pussycat to let it go home. Kimberly: Oh no, this is too odd for me to handle. Trini: Oh no, Kimberly's going to start fading because of something that isn't EVEN decreasing her confidence level. In FACT, this WHOLE PARODY is stupid. I think it's just a plot to save $2,000. Kimberly: What do I do? Think about the sixtieth time me and Billy... Billy: Kimberly, do you want me dead? Kimberly: Sometimes I wonder if Tommy was even worth the money to add to the cast. Trini: Spambeamer! Jason: This is fun jacking up a little drip's name. Sometimes I wonder if we even need that banana head. I think we know by now to bend the facts about our previous battles a lot by now. Quackmiser appears. Quackmiser: You call? Jason: I suppose. We called you Spam and Balogna this time. Quackmiser: Oh that's real mature. Anyway, um, Kimberly, you're a sweet kid. Um, you fought a monster large as a log, his name was Terry Toad, he was a frog. Billy: Hey, we lucked out with a rhyme we didn't have to ponder this time! Quackmiser: Mmmmm!!! Kimberly: I don't wanna think about that time! Jason: Oh gimme a break, you didn't even fight that battle. Kimberly: I don't know if I can. Billy: You have to! Kimberly: All right, all right. He was big, and ugly, and gross, and I was the only one who could stop him. Jason: There she goes with that big ego thing. Billy: Now that's the pot calling the kettle black. ========== (Clip From Previous Parody): Billy jumps after Terry Toad with his BladeBlaster and misses his face and Terry Toad's tongue stretches out his mouth, wraps around Billy's torso and he swallows him down. Billy: Ugh! Ugh!! Terry: Hahahahaha! 4 down and 1 to go! Kimberly: Let my friend go, you perverted cannibal! Terry: Sure, I'll trade him for you, yummy steak! Kimberly: That's IT! You've had it! Kimberly pulls out her Power Bow and the camera follows the lone arrow that is soaring through the forest until it hits the seriously injured Terry Toad's belly and it causes him to explode all over the place. Baboo then rapidly retreats for fear of Terry Toad's breakdown to happen to him. SCENE IV: In the command center... Alpha is laid back on a chair with a giant TV set (that slides behind a wall) with a joystick in his hand playing a video game with Zordon, who's commanding Alpha to press his keys on the game. Zordon: Aww, I have to pick the Ingrite again! Alpha: Hey, your ninja failed the battle in level 4. Zordon: Oh dang nabit. I must have the bad advantage... I'm not playing with you anymore, Alpha 5. Alpha: All right, I promise not to cheat anymore. Zordon: That's what you said 16 games ago. Alpha: This time, I swear. Zordon: Promise? Alpha: Absolutely. Zordon: Well, okay. Alpha: Uh oh! We're on camera! Quick! Hide the video games! I have to go back to pretending like I was working. Zordon: Me too. Try to establish a contact with the riveting teenagers. Alpha: Why? Zordon: Because we're getting payed for it, that's why, dope. Alpha: Oh. In a piece of recycled stock footage, Alpha begins pressing buttons on the command center computer consoles. Alpha: Let's see. Centron circuits crossed with Laser and BMG and... OUCH! Alpha gets zapped in the buns by a laser because he did something wrong. Alpha: Ugh, let's try this again. Alpha gets zapped in the rear, again. Alpha: Urrrrll! [Rubbing Buns] SCENE V: Back the smelly junkyard... Kimberly: It worked! Trini (Big, enthusiastic, happy smile): Yay!! Suddenly, Trini rapidly goes from a toothy-smile of joy to a frown of despair. Jason: You know, this parody is going a little too fast, don'tcha think? Billy: Oh no. Now what? Trini: I think Rita's going to come after me next! Jason: And? Tommy: What else do you expect? Trini: I'm scared.... Billy: That's just what she wants. If Trini loses faith in herself, she'll fade away [Big Smile]..... Hey, did you remember the time your bikini fell apart at the beach and you were carted away by an officer for indecent exposure? Trini: Ugh! Jason: Stop it, Billy! Greenpeace! Quackmiser: That's Quackmiser, you pre-historic ape! Jason: Yeah whatever. We need help, Trini's slipping into a coma. Billy: Or at least acting like it. Kimberly: Naw, it looks to me like she's hitting a cli... Nevermind. Quackmiser: Uh, I don't think I want to know. Just think of something positive, Trini. No one wrote a parody that involved you being the heroine! Tommy: That's because no one likes her. Trini: Hey it worked, all I had to do with remember that party when I engulfed Zack's head in a jello mold. Zack: Ya know, I needed CPR after you pulled that nasty stunt. Trini: Yeah, I know!! Hehehehe. Zack: Ugh! And it was from Jason, eeah!! Billy: ALL RIGHT! WE DID IT AGAIN!! YAY! I don't feel good, I think this is my fault. If it wasn't for the fact that I wasn't brainy enough, we wouldn't even be here. It's all my fault. Jason: Quacklamer, we need ya. Zack: Quackmiser. Quackmiser: Thank you. The deadly bowl hair-do girl, was about to make you hurl. Stick in there, take your medicine, soon you just may learn you'll win! Jason: Thank you, adios, Alrevadurch‚, Grasseas, get lost. Zack: Has anyone ever told you you'd most likely get fired by Mother Goose? Quackmiser: None of your business. Billy: What did he just say? Jason: Think the little guy was talking about Madame Moe. Billy: Oh. Okay. ========== (Clip From Previous Parody): Billy gets out his Power Lance and starts twirling it and attempting to attack Moe but she keeps beating him up until he's too weak to get up. Madame Moe extends some odd chain from out of no where and the cuff at the end gets locked onto Billy's wrist. Madame Moe begins throwing him around with the chain and throwing explosion at him. Madame Moe throws him from side to side while still attached to the chain. Madame: Hahahaha, this is the end; Blue Ranger!! Good-bye! Billy: NO! Billy gets up and grabs her Treasure Troll Crystal from out of her belly and attached to it is Black Gook. Billy: Ewww.... Billy drops it. Madame: No!! Not my PRECIOUS Treasure Troll crystal!! Billy: Oh yes, you're history now! Billy starts beating the stuffings out of Madame Moe until she's off her feet. ========== Billy: I'm back! Tommy: Now to look for our power coins. Billy: From my calculations based on the prior establishment of our longitudal and laditudal estimated locations, our coins are in... [his hand over his eyes with his free hand picking any-ol'-where] ...THAT direction. Jason: How do you know? Billy: Wild guess. Jason: Desperate times calls for desperate measures. A floating image of Goldar's head appears in the Blue Yonder and fingers who's ever left--Jason, who just happens to be by himself. Goldar: Hey lamer, if you were a real leader, your loser friends wouldn't even be here. Think about that, Red Rash Ranger, hahahahaha! Jason: He's right, I am a lamer. I am good for nothing. Tommy: Cool. Mr. Big Shot is feeling doubts. Trini: I've never seen him with a sorry face before. Kimberly: He always looks mad. Tommy: Probably why he hasn't had a date in decades. Jason: I'm no good leader. NO! You're fading! He sees his friends, crying for help while fading away until they disappear. ALL: HELP! OH NO! STOP! WE NEED HELP! WE'RE DYING! HELP! Jason: No! NO!!! I COULD'VE SAVED THEM! They were depending on me and I let 'em down. Zack: Oh what an ego this dude has. Jason: Oh no! I'M fading! Trini: Oh no! Quackmiser! We need help. Quackmiser: Is this all? I've taken six trips from Uranus to save your scrawny little necks. Don't you know by now to think up something totally bogus? After all, with the help of professional editors, this clip could work out peachy. Trini: Umm yeah. Thanks for nothing. Quackmiser: Don't mention it. ========== (Clip From Previous Parody): Jinx takes his umbrella and opens it while he and Jason are under a parking lot and blows up the area where Jason is. (Myth has it, opening umbrella's inside a house or building renders a person with bad luck). Jason rolls out from where the explosion was and jumps up and then magically his sword appears in his hands and then he gives King Jinx a blow when all of a sudden, while Jason and Jinx have their weapons (Jinx's being a closed umbrella), lockes the move over to a wall when all of a sudden a ladder appears above Jason (standing under a ladder is another way to earn yourself a reign of bad luck) and then they are teleported to this deserted island. Jason: Man this isn't looking good. Pre-Grown Goldar (who came from nowhere) and King Jinx are stomping around together looking for Jason, who is backing up terrified by the outnumbering of this fight. Jason: Man, I wish I had've gone to the bathroom before I morphed.. (Suddenly the clip takes a WHOLE new direction to make it appear that the monster imploded off of Jason's tiny little power sword). MegaJunkaZord conclusively destroys the monster. ========== Jason: Hey, I did it! Hey look, POWER! I HAVE MY POWER! I never told anyone this but... I love you. Zack: I think I'm going to puke. Billy: We could've had them all along. Trini: All we needed, was. . . a couple of exaggerated lies! Yeah! ========== Rita: Ugh!!! MY PLAN DID NOT WORK! ALL THIS JUNKYARD TURNED OUT TO BE WAS JUST A HEALTH HAZARD! Rita grabs the rock island and shakes it up in anger. SCENE VI: In the command center... Alpha: Aye yi, yi, yi, yi! Zordon: Alpha, stop goofing off and hurry. Alpha: I'm trying. Zordon: No you aren't. You're just zapping your head 'til it turns to rust. Alpha: Aye yi yi yi yi! Hey! I established contact. Zordon: That's because the rangers have already morphed and gotten themselves off the junkyard, silly. Alpha: Oh. Zordon: Thus, you have proven that you can't do a thing without the instruction manual. I am quite disappointed in you. SCENE VII: Tommy: BarneyZord Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus ALL: PATHETIC RANGERS! Suddenly, the rangers (including Green Ranger) just glow into the already formed MegaJunkaZord and BarneyZord, who are seen blow-drying themselves off because of the soap Skinless Man rung out on them. Jason: I hope they're done already. Better. Now then! Battle up and defeat uncooked steak man! Skinless: Huh? Loco: What have you been doing all this time? Skinless: Running away from the butcherman. Loco (caveman like voice): Oh. Huh? Rita: Make him more powerful, Loco! Loco (caveman like voice): Uh hah. Zack: Jason! What'll we do? Jason: We need the UltraJunkaZord! I call on the power of Titanic and the UltraJunkaZord! Titanic emerges from out of the smoky jungles and MegaBarneyJunkaZord jumps inside its cargo and the big fiery explosion blows up behind it. The motorcycle-like contraption moves out and fires away at the predictably hopeless monster and destroys it. All: Yes! All right! SCENE VIII: The dance contest results in Zack winning (Yay.) THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Jason takes his cousin Jeremy (who happens to look identically like himself) to the beach for a fun vacation... Jeremy: Hey Jase', show me one of your cool moves. Jason: What do I look like? I'm made of energy? ...but Baboo gets a letter from Finster telling Rita about the Burritos of Destruction! Baboo: Anyone who eats this extraordinary yummy burrito gets massive constipation that blows the intestines into a million pieces. Even the Megyzord can't resist this ridiculously delicious mega-constipating Burrito, my queen. Rita: The catch? Baboo: It blows up on contact. Will MegaJunkaZord resist temptation? Will Scorpina finally shave her legs? Did Zordon actually eat one? Are you tired of hearing me announce every episode there is? Find out in the next episode of the Pathetic Rangers!