Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Ka-lumsy Kimberly" Parody of, "Calamity Kimberly" SCENE I: Kimberly is in her bedroom wearing a slip with a candle on top of a dinner table walking up to a mysterious man sitting in a chair in a shadow very sensuously. Kimberly: Hey, stud. How was your day? Mysterious Man: Well, quite tiring. I belched more than anyone else at the fair and ate more raw eggs and pie than anyone else. That was, of course, before I needed that laxative. When I swallowed that, everyone was horribly disgusted at how my pants filled with poop. Kimberly: Ooo... Tell me more. Your disgusting tales just fill me with fire. You really know how to turn me on. Mysterious Man: I did eat and then spit out about 20 popsicles. Kimberly: Ooo... Please, stop! You're getting me so hot! You're my kinda man... Kimberly walks into the chair where the Mysterious Man is and starts madly kissing him when the light comes on and it turns out to be Bulk. Bulk: Oh yeah! Yes! Wait for me to get my pants off! Bulk pulls down his pants and shows his fat fanny and underwear and carries Kimberly off to a bed and starts caressing her body. Kimberly: Oh, oh! Aaaahhh.. Oh yes! You know ALL the right spots! Hmmmm... They begin intense breathing and kissing and wrestling more clothing off on the bed when suddenly, we cut the scene. ---------- Kimberly rapidly rises from her bed in her bedroom with a huge hump next to her. Kimberly: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaghhh!!!!!!!!!!! Billy climbs out of the covers with his shirt off, cloudy headed and hair all muss. Billy: What? What?? What?? What is it, Kimmy? Kimberly: ...aaaaaaagh!! Billy: Tell me! Kimberly: I had to more HORRIBLE nightmare! Billy: Was it the one where the bra wore you? Kimberly: No. MUCH worse! I dreamt that I made mad, passionate love... to Bulk!! Aaagh! Billy: Oh that is sick! I hope it wasn't because of my performance last night. Kimberly: I don't think so. Ooohhh... It's morning already? Augh! Billy, you're gonna have to get up. Billy: What? Kimberly: It's morning. You better get out of my room before my parents find you in here. Billy hops out of her bed in his boxer shorts hopping around putting on his clothes. Billy: By the way, who are they? Kimberly: How should I know? Billy: Huh? Kimberly: Nevermind that. Just beat it. Billy: Right. Billy gets dressed and climbs out the window and down a trailes that was already dangling there. Kimberly grabs a mirror from her table and looks at her hair. Kimberly: Split end?!?! My life is ruined! How am I going to get this out? UGH!!! Kimberly plops her back onto her bed. She gets up, puts on her robe and goes into her closet to grab a dress (which happens to look the same as the rest of her dresses) and finds the duplicate dress with a huge burn in it. Kimberly: Burned?! Aaaaaaaagh!!! This dress is one of a kind!!! Kimberly goes to the window to open the drapes which reveals a nice warm 91ø temperatured, sunny day weather. As soon as she turns around and shuts the window, the weather drops down to 65 degrees and thunder and lightning strikes as HEAVY rain falls. AB Writers: Who wrote that? Kimberly: I thought it was you. AB Writers: We're not that stupid. Kimberly: Just be quiet and just keep writing. What happens to me next? AB Writers: I got an idea! How about a gargantuan breadbox drops to your head and you can't get it off? Kimberly: (Thinking; Long Pause) Both: Naaah!! AB Writers: We'll write you. Just do what we say. Kimberly: 'Kay. Hmmm. A sudden 5.0 earthquake occurs and a string yanks Kimberly's mirror from off of her bed and it cracks. Kimberly: Should've saved that gag for `A Crushing Commitment.' AB Writers: Act like your life is ruined and you'll be miserable for seven years. Kimberly: All right, all right. But this parody is suppose to be about the rangers, so stop poking in so often. AB Writers: Okay. Bye. Kimberly: Bye. Aaaaaagh! SEVEN YEARS BAD LUCK!! UGH!! A banana peel is thrown onto the floor and Kimberly slips on it and busts her lip. Kimberly: OUUUCH!! Okay, okay, we got the point. I'm having a really lousy day. Let's move on, shall we? Kimberly strips off her robe and goes into her bathroom to take her shower. Squatt lowers himself on a window-washer bench seat and peers through Kimberly's second-story bathroom window. Squatt: Ooh! Kimberly arches her back and is about to take off her top when we cut to Squatt opening the curtains looking at her go into the shower when Billy (who is climbing down on a rope) spots Squatt. Billy: AYE! This is my territory. Butt out. Billy swings his body with his feet out kicking Squatt. Squatt: I've been hearing you talk about Kimberly. I just wanted to see for myself. Billy: I ought to grab your blueberry butt and take you to Zordon and leave you there in a dimensional forcefield jail for questioning of war crimes. You'd make an excellent P.O.W. NOW GET OUTTA HERE!! Billy kicks Squatt a few times 'til he finally falls down. Squatt: Oww! Cut it out! Daaah! Squatt falls off his window-washing bench and falls second stories onto a water-sprinkler and runs away. SCENE II: We do a sloppy-upward zoom to Rita's palace's balcony. Rita: Hi, Finster. Finster: Hello, my queen. Why are you talking? Rita: I always do. Finster: You always yell. Rita: You mean like _THIS_??!?!?! Finster: Yeah. That's exactly what I mean. Why are you talking nice to me? Rita: Well because... I WANT A MONSTER AND I WANT IT NOW!!!! Wind blows Finster back about 3 feet. Finster: Oh dear, I knew it was too good to be true. This is Samurai Wigwam. He keeps things in his Indian Tippi and destroys them with water to have the entrapped item go into another dimension. Rita: Where'd he get the Tippis? Finster: I made those in craft class! See my diploma? Rita grabs his diploma and tears it up and Finster starts sulking and crying. Rita: I DON'T CARE! MAKE THE MONSTER! Finster (crying): All right. Baboo: Push-over. Finster: Shut up, Baboo, or I'll throw you into this monster machine. Baboo: See ya! Finster: Let's see here... SCENE III: Kimberly walks into the Angel Grave School hallway dripping wet with pink boots on, holding an umbrella completely ticked off. Kimberly spots a guy putting his books in his locker room winking at her. Kimberly walks up to him, smiling, acting like she's going to kiss him when she shakes her head so her wet hair sprays the guy. Flirt: HEY!! Kimberly: That'll teach you not to stick gum up my biker pants in class! Kimberly looks at her mirror and sees Tommy in the distance approaching her locker busting up laughing at how wet she looks. Kimberly: Oh no! Tommy. Better close my locker door before he sees my collection of nude pictures of Billy. Hi, Tommy!! Tommy: Gee, Kim; you look like a 18 wheel'er drove over your face. Kimberly: Well that's not very nice. Tommy: It's not very nice to flirt with Billy in front of my face everyday neither. So what's up? Kimberly: Umm, I don't know. Tommy: Really. Bulk: Hey look, it's Kimberly, she looks bummed out. Let's gross her out. Skull: Yeah. Bulk and Skull slosh up to Kimberly and shove Tommy forward. Skull: Hey sexy, why didn't you go on that date we made? Washing your hair? Hahahaha! Kimberly: I never made a date with you. Skull: You said you'd go on one after you drank too much vadka. Kimberly: That's because you poured it down my mouth. Skull: That's not the point... Kimberly: I really don't feel like hearing your gross sounds with your armpits. Bulk: Well we feel like it. Tommy: Go away, funny tick-man. Bulk: Huh? Tommy: You heard me. Bulk: Who's gonna make me? Skull: Yeah? And by the way, Kim, why is there a man around you everytime we walk into the parody? Tommy: Because you're FAT and you could threaten to SIT on her. Bulk: That's it!! Tommy shoves Bulk down the floor where he goes sliding down the water that spilled over from a carelessly tipped over bucket full of soapy water. Tommy: Bulk and Skull should get their own cartoon show. Kimberly: I don't know if the kids would like it, they already tried that. Remember 1983's short-lived "Sulk and Bull"? Tommy: Yeah, I liked it. Kimberly: That's cause you were twelve... I mean, six years old. Tommy: Yeah. Whatever. Wanna go on a walk? Kimberly: What if I drown? Tommy: I'll take my chances. Wanna go on a walk, ALONE? Kimberly: Certainly. Tommy: Great. SCENE IV: Tommy and Kimberly are suddenly walking on dry brush out in the middle of no where in the ridiculously large park of Angel Grave. Kimberly: Gee, Tommy, thanks for the walk. After that mirror was pulled off my bed, it's just been one minor problem I've exaggerated after another. Tommy: Gee, Kimberly, great story. Um, this is great, Kimberly. Kimberly: What's great? Tommy: I don't know. I'm just trying to think of something to make conversation. Kimberly: How about making a good parody? Hey Samurai Wigwam! Wigwam: Yeah? You call? Kimberly: Yeah, get in here. We need some suspense. Wigwam: Okay. Blahh!! HAHAHAHA, YOU'LL NEVER SURVIVE MY TIPPI! AHAHAHAHA! An incredibly fat man with a thick mustache, obviously thick low-browed frown grabs his big indian tippi and it causes a thick wind to surround Kimberly as it steadily sucks her into his Indian Tippi. Kimberly: TOMMY! Tommy: Kimberly! Kimberly: Tommy! Tommy: Billy! Kimberly: Jason! Tommy: Trini! Kimberly: Letterman! Tommy: Bob Hope!!! Wigwam: Are you just repeating names? Tommy: Got a problem with that? Wigwam: Not really, no. Tommy: Good. Shakespeare! Kimberly: Cher!! Tommy: Leno! Wigwam: ENOUGH ALREADY!! Get in here already, Pink Ranger. Tommy: Oh no! Kimberly! Oh well, think I'll take a nap. ZZZZZZZZ... Tommy drops to the ground and instantaneously falls asleep. Inside the indian tippi filled with milk and water... Kimberly is standing in milky water wondering where she is. Kimberly: Hello? Oh no. Where am I? LET ME OUTTA HERE! Wigwam (outside tippi): Gimme one good reason for why I'd wanna do that? Kimberly: 'Cause you like me? Wigwam: Ah shut up, wide-lips. Kimberly: Ugh! Wigwam begins shaking the tippi up for sadistic laughs. SCENE V: In the back room of the Junk-Food Bar... Jason and Zack are playing `Patty-Cake' when we pan over to Trini (who is wearing an obviously padded bra), who's sitting with her legs crossed on a pillow along with Billy with incense going and they're getting high. Billy: Trini: You're not suppose to suck it that fast, Billy. Zordon beeps them. Billy: Yeah, Zordon? Zordon: Gimme some of that stuff. Billy: How are you going to get high? Zordon: Don't you go to Neptune a couple of days? Billy: No, you feel good. Trini: Yeah. Peace, man. Billy: I see a pink elephant. Zack: That's Jason. Jason: Huh? Billy: That's odd. Jason walks up to Billy and Billy sees a huge monster with a balloon head and guacamole body with pƒt‚ legs. Billy: KEEP AWAY! Jason: I'm not a fish. Zack: It's not that. The idiot's stoned out of his mind. Trini: Oh my god, all I see is huge male genitals, everywhere! THEY'RE GETTING TO ME, Aaaaah! Jason: Zordon, we read you. Zordon: Uh yeah. Anyway, teleport so I can tell you to look at the viewing globe. Jason: All right. Zack, you grab Trini, and I'll grab Billy. Zack: Right. Zack grabs a wobbly-legged Trini, Jason grabs the wobbling Billy and they each teleport into the command center. SCENE VI: Alpha: What are you? Some junky? Billy: Oh no, now it's an electric garbage disposal that looks like a trashcan! Alpha: Oh brother. Here. Jason: What's that? Alpha: It's a serum. Jason: What serum? What's it made of? Alpha: I don't know. Billy and Trini gulp down a green serum inside a test tube and instead, everything looks totally plaid to Billy and Trini. Billy: Oh there you are, Jason. Why do you have paint on your face? Alpha: Wrong one. This is the one. It's got a secret ingredient. Jason: What's that? Alpha: I don't know. Here. Trini: Everything's back to normal. Zordon: You fools, you just wasted 50 lines of parody space on this stupid waste material. Anyway, here goes. [Really fast] Samurai Wigwam is a guy who entraps things in a Tippi until they fade to another dimension. He does a lot of other weird stuff too, and you should look at the viewing globe because Kimberly has been entraped in the Tippi. Billy: What? Zordon (slowing down): She's in a tippi! Jason: Ew. Billy: Listen, marshmallow brain, he meant an Indian tent! My god, read a book. Zordon: Yeah. What he said. Anyway, look at the viewing globe, Kimberly is being forced to sew beads into designer clothes for sumo wrestlers to tear in wrestling tournaments. Billy: She looks tortured. Zack: What do we have to do? Zordon: Destroy him. Jason: Okay. Zordon: Be careful, Rangers. He is known for setting traps. Let the power protect you. Jason: Um yeah, whatever. It's morphin time! SCENE VII: (While they morph, the "Peanuts" theme song starts playing) Zack: Majormess Billy: Tribladdertops And fix that music! (The music goes back to normal) Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus ALL: PATHETIC RANGERS! Jason: Let's get 'em! All: YEAH! Zack: Wait, Trini; what happened to your pants? Trini: My what? Zack: Your pants! Your crotch has; well... a bulge. Trini: Oh my gosh. Billy: And where are your knockers? Jason: Nevermind that, let's get Wigwam! They all get blasted by Goldar. All: Aw! Jason: You're mine, Wigwam! Wigwam: Ha! You're no match for my fat! Wigwam wabbles his belly and it pushes Jason back. Jason: Uh! Billy: Let's do it again. Zack: Wait a minute, savior of your lady in distress, if that tippi gets ripped to shreds, so will Kimberly! Billy: How did you know? Zack: I didn't--the writers told me to say that. Trini: Let my friend go, you creep. Hi-Ya! Trini jumps into the air with her Power Daggers and tries to attack Wigwam, put his blubber knocks her away. Goldar: Let's fan them away! Wigwam: Yeah! Wigwam takes in a DEEP breath and then blows them all backwards. Jason and Billy: AAUUGH!! UGH!! Trini and Zack: Eeghhh!! Wigwam: Ha ha ha ha!! SCENE VII: Alpha is standing in front the viewing globe smoking while watching the Rangers get blown backwards. Alpha: Aye yi, yi yi, yi! Zordon: Quickly, reverse their teleportation direction. Alpha: Sure thing! Tommy is already sleeping peacefully with a big smile on his face on Alpha's plastic seated recliner. Jason teleports inside the Command Center standing on his head when Billy and Trini teleport on top of each other. Trini shoves Billy off her chest and starts brushing herself off with her hands. Zack is seen standing straight up. Jason: Zack, how did... Nevermind. Billy: EW! I landed on top of Trini. Trini: I knew I should have morphed with my padded bra. Zack: Ah, yeah. Zordon: You did not do well. Billy: So what else is new? Trini: His fat is too massive! Zack: How are we going to get to the Wigwam thing? Alpha: Get him on a crash diet? Trini: Don't be stupid, Alpha! Zack: We didn't even get close to him. Jason: Where are the creeps that did this to us? Zack: We need the power of the BarneyZord. His laughing will put him in the looney bin for sure. Billy: And how are we going to free Kimberly? Tommy: ...and Tommy! [Going back to sleep] Zack: And how am I going to cram my chicken burritos in that motorcycle? Jason: When am I going to get more power? Trini: Don't I get a line? Zordon: Observe the viewing globe. Jason: But nothing's on the thing. Zordon: Whoops, wrong line. Zack: Geez, he'll be the death of the act. Zordon: They're at the Muddie-Bowl Restaurant on 25 Kemoto Lane. Jason: Got it. Billy: Restaurant? Zordon: And may the Power Protect you. Almost forgot, get our your toys when you get there. Trini: Aren't I even here? Zack: Sure thing, Zordon. Jason: We're outta here. Trini: But wait you guys, I... Zack: We're on it. They all teleport back to action. SCENE VIII: Baboo, Squatt, Wigwam and Goldar are pigging out on inedible morsels while teasing their hostage. Baboo: Gettin' hungry, Kimberl-ee? Kimberly: Well actually I would like a cheeseburger, thanks. Baboo: Well you're not getting ANYthing! Kimberly: Well why don't you just shove an umbrella up your and open it, you ! Squatt: Boy, she sure is snappy to be a P.O.W. Maybe we should take off all her clothes and make her bathe in that milk she's standing bare-foot in. Kimberly: Okay, okay! I take it back!! Squatt: Take it back with sugar on top! Kimberly: Get a life! Goldar: Just finish your burger, Squatt. The rangers will never be able to get back to this bitch we've captured anyway. Kimberly: Don't you DARE call me a bitch! Goldar: Bitch! The Rangers arrive on motorcycles and generate a moped sound (i.e. put-put-put- put-put-put-put-put...etc...) Billy: Geez, that was dumb. Jason: Yeah, I know. Wigwam: You guys are back for more?? Wigwam pulls out two darts out of his wig and tosses it at the Rangers, which causes an explosion and blows them clean into a wall they all fall out onto the ground. Trini: That didn't go well. Jason: You know what we need? Billy: New writers? Jason: No, DinoJunk power! Zack: Let's skip all that stock footage and take it for granted we're already there. Suddenly, the screen blips and they're already in the MegaJunkaZord. Trini: Cool. SCENE IX: At the command center... Tommy is tilt over on his recliner watching a small TV set with a laugh track sound emanating off of it. Tommy: Oh man, that "Saturday Night Live" was funny; I really liked when Chris Farley peeled down his shorts and mooned... Alpha: No time for that. Get out there and fight! Tommy: Okee-Dokey... Tommy: BarneyZord SCENE X: Tommy whips out his BarneyDagger. Tommy: Time for some BarneyZord action. The Zords clank it up a bit until they finally destroy the Wigwam. SCENE XI: Billy is working on his car when the other rangers are at his garage watching TV. Kimberly is walking by in a tight dress past Billy. Billy: Oh hi, Kim. WOW! What are you all dressed up for? Kimberly: What do you mean? Today's the day - remember? Billy: Oh, oh no, Kim. That's tomorrow. Kimberly: That would explain why the `Others' are here. Tommy pinches Kimberly's bottom. Billy: Hey, why don't you... Hehehe, nevermind. Hi, TOMMY! Tommy: Yeah, I caught you looking! I can take you! Trini: Hey, cool off; you can have me. Tommy & Billy: What? Trini: Well I am a woman! Jason: That's questionable. Kimberly turns on the television and looks at the stock-footage news. Guy from PBS's Morning Programming Pledge Drives: Who are the Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers? Do you even care? Kimberly: I am so glad this sick joke is over with. This was a terrible day. Tommy: Hey, I've noticed that in the past few episodes you star in, you come out of mentally traumaticing disasters fresh as a daisy as if you just went to DisneyLand. Kimberly: Hey, it's only a 30 minute show, we don't have time to show my therapy sessions--you LOUSY WRITERS! Billy's TV explodes. Billy: Get outta here, you jinx! Gimme that! Billy snatches the remote from out of Kimberly's hands. Billy: This is the third time this week my TV blew up. Kimberly: All right! All right! Who is playing this cruel joke!? THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Tommy is too nervous to ask `too-hot-to-look-at' Kimberly out to the dance... Zack: You stink! The sooner you ask out wide-lips the quicker... Angry, Tommy begins fighting really hard and better than before. Tommy: Don't call my babe wide-lips. Zack: With that mouth she once nearly sucked up Jason's underwear. Well, just ask her out. ...but Rita--who can be arrested with four thousand and 23 counts of eavesdropping and spying--gets an idea to take Green Ranger's powers! Goldar: Baboo, your sugar attack is getting on my nerves! Baboo: I can't help myself. These popsicles are so yummy! Rita: That gives me an idea. Let's link Tommy's power to this popsicle. Goldar: Yes!! He shall suck it and it will start to melt his powers away if he refuses to work for you again!! Finster: Don'tcha just love cruel ultimatums? ...while the other five are occupied with fighting Toiletpapus, the monster that can transform into anything, but is given away then something is seen hanging out of his rear end! Will Tommy be able to keep his powers? Does that really matter? Does Jason even care? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!