Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "The Television of Nightmares" Parody of, "Crystal of Nightmares" SCENE I: Kimberly is seen stuffing a classmate's locker room with jock straps in the Angel Grave High School hall locker room when Trini walks up to her and Kimberly immediately shuts the classmate's locker room and races back to her own pretending like she wasn't doing anything. Trini: Bad news, Kim. Mr. Capbutt says that if we don't pass this advanced exam test. We'll all get Ds and we can't go on Summer Vacation if we fail. Kimberly: But Capbutt is the PRINCIPAL! Not a teacher. Trini: Hm. Kimberly: Man, I can't believe I have to study this time! Trini: Naw ya don't. Just make Billy do your homework like you've always done. Kimberly: Oh yeah, thanks. Zack, Billy and Jason walk up to the girls. Zack: Hey girls, why do you look so happy? Trini: Because we're gunna make Billy do Kim's homework. Billy: Hey! Jason: Well, Zack and I were going to do the same; but he can only do one person's homework. Billy: Well you two aren't my gyratin' baby. So I'm only doing Kim's. Jason: That isn't fair! Trini: Don't worry--I'll do yours! Jason: Oh goody, goody! Billy: Why is everyone cheating? Jason: Because we're stupid. Zack: What about me? Billy: What about you? Zack: Oh come on, guys! I don't know anything! How am I going to pass this test!? Trini: Write the answers on your hand. Billy: All 23 Amino Acids including their molecular composition?? Trini (to Billy): Let him struggle. Billy: I know! My uncle has this cabin up somewhere in the woods where we can study! The boys get a room, and the girls get a room. I'd never get any studying done looking at Kimberly's firm hiney! Trini: Peachy. Let's go home. Trini slams shut her locker door and walks off to reveal an eavesdropping Bulk and Skull. Bulk: This gives me an idea. Skull: Yeah, this gives you an idea. Bulk: Apparently, the writers came to a run-in for giving you an original line again. I sure hope that stops. Capbutt: Fat-head, rail-neck; these are your papers. You got a D! If you don't pass this 2,005 page exam I'm going to bombard you with, you'll be spending this summer in my office like last year. Bull: C'mon, Mr. Capbutt... Capbutt: No buts! I've got another student to intimidate. Capbutt walks off. Bulk: Now what? Skull: We're going to have to do something! SCENE II: At Rita's palace... Rita: Ah, the Rangers will be alone! I shall send a monster after them! Goldar: Man, that's stale. Can't we try some'n new? Rita: Like what?! Goldar: I will use this antique TV set to give those puny weaklings nightmares they'll never forget! See, I'm going to tune it to "Tales from the Crypt," and it probably will make them think about the horrid battles and things in their life they'd never wanna remember! Rita: And why should I care about that? Goldar: It makes me laugh to see them rustle in their beds? Rita: And? Goldar: They'll lose all confidence in their powers so you can rule the world? Rita: That's better, set it up. And this time, don't forget the magic VCR and the tape of nightmares. Goldar: Right. Baboo, get the VCR. Squatt, go over there and get the tapes! Squatt: Which kind? "Kimberly sleeps with Danny DeVito," or "Kimberly does South Central?" Goldar: No, fool! The re-runs of the Rangers' worst nightmares! Squatt: Oh, okay. Hmm, Jason's muscles turns to fat... Zack eats himself to death... Kimberly's biker pants tear in front of Skull... Trini can't smile no more... Billy is stupid... There! Oh, almost forget; all the rangers no longer have free access to the command center's bathroom! Ah, got it. Baboo is holding a VHS VCR and a Beta. Baboo: Beta or VHS? Squatt: Beta what? What's that? These are VHS. Baboo: Ok. SCENE III: The rangers are in Billy's cabin fast asleep, some nearly falling asleep while Billy is reading a text book to the other rangers. Billy: And therefore the, square root of eighty-one in actuality is twenty-eight! Trini: I thought it was nine? Billy: But Dr. Pharinolfski said... Zack snaps. Zack: Ugh! Enough!! Stop!! I can't TAKE it anymore!! No more -- stop reading... stop talking... stop BREATHING, Billy. Billy: Is there something the matter, Zack? Zack: Yes! YOU! And the fact that I even have to take this stupid test! Right, Jase'? Jason? Jason has his head laid back with his mouth open, drooling and snooring. Zack: Jason, wake up! We're outta here. Jason (popping awake): No way! I can take you on, Goldar! Zack: Get up, stupid! You're not in a battle. Jason: Oh, oh yeah. Trini: Kimberly, what about you? Are you okay? Kimberly takes off her headphones to her walkman. Kimberly: What? Billy gets extremely flustered and throws the books and papers in the air. Billy: That's it! Nevermind! Forget it! Just BE stupid! And I'll be the only one who aces the test! Zack: Well, at least I'll have my sanity! Billy: You won't when Mr. Capbutt's Martial Artist Kaining expert gets his hands on your behinds! All: WHAT?! All the rangers go back to studying. Later, after six hours... Everyone but Billy has bloodshot eyes. Billy: That was really exciting. I didn't even know that energy could equal mass times C squared! Anybody want anything to eat? Jason: I want a big burger to mash in the name of your fa... I mean, I just want a big burger. Trini: I want Avocado Cake. Kimberly: How about just a mess of desserts? Zack: How about Cow Tongue? All: EW! SCENE III: Bulk and Skull are lurking in a bush with binoculars watching the Rangers leaving the cabin. Bulk: There they are! Skull: From the binoculars, I see the geekoids are yanking their ears and playing with one of those ping pong paddles. Bulk: It looks like the four-eyed geek's studying though. Uh oh, they're gone. Slip into this. Skull: Huh? Bulk holds up two dresses for him and Skull to wear. SCENE IV: Bulk and Skull walk in the cabin dressed like maids. Skull: These silk panties kinda feel good! Bulk: Shut up, bean-brain! We're looking for their test! Skull: This undergarment is starting to feel uncomfortable! Bulk hears the sound of the rangers badgering Billy as they approach the cabin. Bulk: This wig is really itchy. Uh oh! They're coming back! Quick, under the bed. Billy: That was delicious, huh, guys? Zack: Why did you make us eat zucchini bread and pasta with cream corn sauce? Billy: That was delicious! Let's go back to studying! Jason: NO! I CAN'T THINK ANYMORE! Billy: Who said you ever could? Jason: Be quiet before I kick you in the pelvis. Trini: Hey, let's go to sleep. Billy: In the middle of the evening? Zack: First, I want to show you the funky chicken. Zack starts shaking around like a chicken doing that famous dance to some corny music. Jason: Siddown! Billy: You look stupid. Zack: Let's see the mashed potato. Zack starts jumping up and down on the bed. Bulk and Skull start getting banged on the head. SCENE V: In Kimberly and Trini's room... Trini is in her usual full-body yellow polka-dot pajamas and Kimberly is behind the changing stall removing but not putting on clothes. Suddenly, she sticks her head out from behind one side of the stall. Trini: Good night, Kimberly. Kimberly: Trini, do I have to wear pajamas? It feels uncomfortable! Trini: Oh, all right. You don't need to. Kimberly grabs something skimpy off the top of a stool; she re-emerges in a thong bikini and goes to the bed. Trini: Why are you going to sleep like that? Kimberly: I'm not five years old ya know. Kimberly covers up as does Trini and Trini turns off the lamp. SCENE VI: Back in that creepy cave... Goldar: Bahahahaha! Squatt, play the tapes! Squatt: Goldar, when can I go to sleep? I've been up for 34 hours. Goldar: You can't go to sleep or else you'll start having nightmares! Now play the tape before I toss you out of the palace down a crater. Squatt: Okay, okay. Just don't toss me into the drink. Now then. Goldar: BAHAHAHA! Dream on, rangers! Dream on! Bahahahaha! SCENE VII: Billy is seen twisting in his bed wearing his glasses. (Dream state): Billy dreams he's in the classroom with Mr. Capbutt, who is spitting and yelling at him. Capbutt: BAHAHAHAA! F MINUS! And an H! Hahahaha! Meet Papermil, my special kaining martial artist! Hahahahaha! After an hours session is his office, he'll make your buns look like beet juice! BAHAHAHAHA! Billy: F?! No! This can't be! No! No! NO!!! Capbutt: I'm only doing it because I'm cold, heartless, and I DON'T LIKE YOU, HAHAHAHA! YOU'RE STUPID (echo) Billy: No! No! NO!!! (Out of dream state) Billy starts twisting and sweating. ---------- Zack starts scratching, twisting and tossing in the bed. (Dream state): Zack is chained to an electric chair next to Sandwicha, who is in tight, black leather with heavy makeup on holding a whip. Sandwicha: So ya like to eat, do ya? Zack: I just ate three eight-course meals. Sandwicha: You can't stop at the top! Here, have some candy and some cakes, and the delicious gourmet spaghetti, and don't forget the popcorn! Zack (with his mouth full and getting fuller): No! PLEASE, THIS IS STARTING TO HURT! Sandwitcha: We're going too slow! Faster! Faster! An assembly line of food leading to Zack's mouth starts running faster and faster. Sandwicha: Here's some chicken, hamburgers! Peanut Grittle! Zack: NO!! NO!!! NO!!! (Out of dream state) Zack starts twisting again. (In Kimberly's dream state): FOX Kids Wardrobe Assistant: Okay, Kim. Wear this! Kimberly (Gasping): This is a little tight, don't you think? Assistant: The tighter the better! Now, get on the stage and sing! Kimberly: Oh no, muddies! Gotta... kick (gasping) behind! Skull walks in just as Kimberly's bike-pants begin to part at the seams and comes apart in the back. Skull: Ha ha, ha ha! Kimberly: Please no! Skull starts removing the bits of torn clothes and starts playing around with Kimberly's genitals off screen while she's screaming. (Outside of dream state): Kimberly starts twitching and twirving. ---------- Back at the cave; Goldar is sitting down watching the television with the rangers twisting in their beds. Goldar: Bahahhaha, dream on, puny punks! ---------- Jason starts dreaming about sleeping with ten penthouse models naked. ---------- Goldar: Huh? SQUATT! What do you think you're doing? This is one of Jason's best dreams! Squatt: Ooops, sorry. Goldar: You'll be staring into the face of a black hole if you don't get your act together! Now bring on the nightmare! Squatt: Right! Squatt ejects the white tape containing Jason's fantasy dream and puts in a black tape with a skull and cross-bones painted on it then presses PLAY. ---------- (In Jason's NOW nightmare state) Jason: It's morphin time! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus They all appear in their costumes. However, Red Ranger is found with a pot-belly. Trini: Hahahaha, you look fat, Jason! Zack: Yeah, I told you not to eat that strawberry fudge cake! Jason: Oh no! Billy: Hahaha, all that muscle's turn to fat! Kimberly: Hahaha. Yeah, FORMER MUSCLEMAN! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Jason: No, no, NO!!! Trini: You're just a fathead! Billy: Wideload! (Out of dream state) Jason starts twisting and sweating, topless. (Trini's nightmare...) Trini is standing before a mirror frowning while all the Pathetic Rangers are behind her. Trini: What's wrong with me? I'm not smiling! Zack: Rita's made it so you can NEVER smile again! Trini: Oh no! I'm not disgusting and phony anymore? Billy: You're a normal person now, HAHAHAHA! Trini: I can't smile? No! No! God no!!! (Last dream...) Suddenly, we fade into a dream where they're all seeing the same thing. Their all seen inside the command center with Alpha with his arms crossed with Zordon looking at them with the angriest face he has ever had in his existence. Zordon: You are a bunch of leeches. Alpha: You don't give anything back. Zordon: Therefore, you are no longer allowed to use the command center bathroom, for free... for free... for free.... (Nightmares end) The Rangers wake up drenched in sweat, terrified. ---------- Goldar: Bahahaha, you pieces of slime! You're never going to be confident or brave for that matter again! Hahahahaha! Squatt! Stop the tape! SCENE VII: The rangers walk into Kimberly and Trini's room with their hands in their pockets. Kimberly: Why do you have your hands in your pockets? Jason: I'm scared. Billy: I'm angry. Jason: Why? Billy: I didn't think to sneak into Kim's room and get a free show thanks to this horrifying dream I had. Zack: You had it too? Jason: Well we're not suppose to be angry. We're suppose to be scared straight. Billy: Oh yeah. Boy am I scared! Kimberly: You had the same dreams? Zack: Yeah. I don't think I can do anything. Their communicators beep and the rangers jump. Jason: Uhh, Z-z-z-zordon? Zordon: You guys have transformed from toughies to mousey cowards. What's your problem? Trini: We were hoping you were going to tell us, fishface. Zordon: I was? Billy: That windbag of a chicken gristle is starting to become dumber than Jason. Zordon: I take offense. All right, all right! I hacked Rita's computer again. Here's what I've found. [Reading cue cards] Ri-ta has umm, created a mogstite, huh? Oh, a typo, Ri-ta has umm... Billy: We're not made of time. We don't have all day, ya know. Zordon: I'm going, I'm going. Rita has created a monster. Ooops. Wrong file. Here it is: Goldar has created a special TV set that reruns artificial nightmares and has reduced your confidence from a roaring attack dog to a tiny little baby lamb. Jason: Oh no, my muscles are worthless! Zordon: You must do something. But I have no idea. Let the power pro... Jason: Shut up. You don't ever seem to have the solution, you just tell us to figure it out. What if we don't? Zordon: Then we hire the new "Saved by the Bell" cast to replace you. Kimberly: Glad to feel appreciated. Oh well. Zack: I'm not ready to take on Rita's monsters. Jason: You never are. Alpha: What do you have to worry about? All you ever have to do is sit around in a four-wall recording studio and babble while Chung Tai, Lee Wakai, Soong Chong, Toei Takei and Sara Heratio do your stunts. Jason: They didn't HAVE to know their NAMES. Oh well, lllet's go. SCENE VIII: The rangers weakly walk along some unknown cave space uncharted to mankind until Jason and the rest come across a mysterious cave when a couple of muddies appear waiting for the rangers to come out of the shadows. Zack: Oh great. Muddies! Now what do we do? Kimberly: Uhhh, you guys go on ahead, I'm gonna go back to the cabin and lay on my vibrating bed. You can just let me know how it turns out, okay? AH!! Zack: Get back here! A Muddie leaps up behind Kimberly, startling her, causing her to knock up against the Rangers who then bounce into view causing them to get caught by the muddies. Trini: Nice gowin', Kimberly!! Zack hurricane-kicks over a Muddie that ducks then kicks Zack in the crotch and sends him rolling around holding his achy groin. Trini socks a Muddie in the gut but it knocks her aside and she just falls on her butt. Kimberly somersaults over to a Muddie but gets caught by two other Muddies then gets knocked off her feet causing her to be pushed at a wall. Billy kicks at a Muddie but his leg gets caught and lifts it too high and loses his balance. He gets picked up and pushed at the same wall as Kimberly with his head falling into Kimberly's bust. Kimberly (sensuously): OoOOooh. Billy: Kimberly, this is hardly the place or the time. Jason runs away from the Muddie fight altogether and runs right into Goldar's cave of evil. Goldar: Hahahahaha! Jason: Aw no. Goldar: You weak, whimpy nothing! I shall now destroy... Jason grabs Goldar's sword and smashes up the VCR and TV set. Goldar: Oh well, that didn't last long. NO! You're lucky I have a warranty on that! Goldar beams away. Zordon gives each ranger a message about how their confidence has return, but his message is over-echoed. Jason: Huh? Whatcha say, Zordon? Billy: Yeah, you sounded like peanut butter got stuck in your mouth. Zordon: It's liquid peanut butter Alpha gave me. Cut it out. Now I darn forgot what I was gonna say. Oh well. Anyway, good job. Jason: Are we ready to fight? ALL: Uh uh, not really, no. Jason: Yeah you are! Zack: Huh? WHOA! Goldar and Scorpina jump down ready to fight. Jason: No more foolin' around, it's MORPHIN time! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus ALL: PATHETIC RANGERS!! ---------- Rita walks away from her telescope and up to her balcony. Rita: Uhhh, your TV of nightmares was cheap, Goldar! Make my Goldar and Scorpina GROW! Baboo: You know, I don't see how that thing ever makes it through earth's atomosphere. Rita's staff hits the ground, electrifies and parts the earth, increasing Goldar and Scorpina's height. ---------- Jason: We need DinoJunk power, now! They do some really easy "not-so-hard-to-do moves" in their MegaJunkaZord and Scorpina and Goldar are out and retreat. Goldar: No! You have not seen the end of... Billy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. SCENE IX: At Rita's palace... Rita graces out the show with her predictable complaints. Rita: You BONEHEAD! THAT PLAN WAS CHEAP! Baboo: But ah, I was asleep! Squatt: Well happy-go-lucky for you! I've been up for 48 hours re-running nightmares for Goldar! Now Rita's gonna scream at me! Finster: Well you can't blame me! I had nothing to do with it! I didn't even get any lines! Rita: I have a headache! Uhhh. SCENE X: Capbutt is giving out report cards to the students in a class that he shouldn't be teaching. He's teaching the class for an usually-sick Appleweed. Capbutt: You five [The rangers] out of 26 students did well. Jason: Thanks for safety-pinning my eyes open, Billy. Billy: Yeah, yeah. Capbutt: As for you two numbskulls, you both get this! Bulk and Skull approach the teacher's desk when Mr. Capbutt gives them their report cards. Skull: Hey Bulk, the plan worked! Yes! No detention. No detention! Bulk (quietly): Will you shut up? Capbutt: Do you know what "F" stands for? Skull: Fun? Bulk: Far-out? Capbutt: NO! It means, Failed, Flunked, Foo-wy, Forever! Which is how long you'll be staying in my office after school! Say, what's the matter with him? Skull: He gets the sneezes when he fails! Capbutt: Oh no. Skull: DUCK! Bulk sneezes Capbutt's rug off. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Three of the gang go scuba-diving... Zack: Yeah, I can't wait to go under the sea and see all the big fish. Trini: Yeah, what a trip. ...meanwhile, Billy makes a confession to the ever-sexy Kimberly about his whimpy fears of fish... Billy (Narrating): I was swimming in the sea when a big fish slowly chewed at my swim-suit and I wasn't wearing any underwear under the bathing suit. ...but Rita realizes Billy's fright of fish and the sea and sends down Goo-Fish... Zordon: Report. Zack: We had a whole hell of a LOT of trouble with that goo fish. Zordon: What trouble? Jason: That must be one of Rita's worst monsters! Zordon: It is? Alpha: Aren't they all. Trini: It was all Billy's fault. Can Billy overcome his fear of fish and destroy Rita's ugliest creation yet? Will Jason ever stop picking on Billy about his cowardliness? Will Kimberly shake the way she shakes in this episode like every other? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!