Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Something Smelly" Parody of, "Something Fishy" SCENE I: The Rangers escape Miss Appleweed's class for not allowed, but protested for, recess time and enter the High School's hall locker room in unison gabbing about trivial nonsense. Jason: ...yeah, this weekend will be the best scuba-diving escapade since "Knots Landing"'s cancellation. Zack: Yeah, I can't wait to go under the sea and see all the big fish. Trini: Yeah, what a trip. Jason: Hey Billy, do you wanna come? Billy is seen standing there drooling as he looks up Kimberly's dress. Billy: Um, what did you say? Jason: Do you want to go scuba-diving? Billy (Nervously): Uh, no, thanks. Jason: Why don't you want to join us? I'm a certified scuba-diver. Kimberly: What an ego-maniac you are, Jason. You've got to be an expert on everything? Jason: It's my hobby. Zack: Being a master of everything? Or just being an ego-maniac? Jason: Why I aughta... Billy: Well, I am afraid of everything. But for the purpose of this episode, I'll fake it like it's just fish, water, swimsuits and condoms. The school nurse even diagnosed me for having Gymnophobia. Kimberly: But I'm a gymnist. Billy: God, how can you be so incredibly dumb? Trini: What about you, Kimberly? You wanna come with us too? Kimberly: Sorry. I figured I shouldn't mess up a perfectly good hair day. Besides, it gives me a rash putting on and taking off this lycra spandex. Bad enough I have to peel it off to go to the bathroom. Billy (enthusiastically): Well I'll help... Kimberly: Not in front of the others! Billy: Right. Bulk and Skull, as usual, grossly enter the scene. Bulk: Don't count on seeing any big fish, geeks; because they're all going to be at the end of my fishing hook. Skull: Yeah. HIS hook. Bulk: Will you shut up, Skull? Jason: What are you going to catch the fish with? Bulk: Gee, I never thought of that. Skull {snaps his fingers}, locker. Skull jams open Bulk's locker and all his garbage comes spewing out of it. Trini: Gross, Bulk. That's disgusting! Skull: Would this be a Bulk and Skull scene if it wasn't? Bulk: What are we yap'n about? We better finish this scene before the writers throw up all over the script. SCENE II: In Rita's ugly deep palace... Rita: FINSTER! FINSTER! Finster is reading a playboy magazine. Finster: Uh, what, your ugliness? Rita: Those boneheads are scuba-diving, aye? Finster: Well how should I know? You're the one hogging the telescope, your meanness. Rita: Finster: Okay, okay! I have already planned a monster in my cookbook. Rita: How did you know which one to make? Finster: Austin told me how the show was going to turn out. Rita: Oh, the plot leaker again. Finster: Well the monster is a nasty gooey fish that you wouldn't fry up for lunch. He has a toxic vomit that will demobilize any creature. Rita: How do you know? Finster: Because, that's another reason Zordon's in the fish tank other than eating the Burritos of Destruction. Rita: Well what are you waiting for, dope? Finster: For you to beat it. Rita: SCENE III: Jason, Zack and Trini are standing side by side by the shore of the sea at the beach suiting up to go scuba-diving. Jason: Now the first thing you need to know, Zack is...Zack? Zack: No, Trini; I'll zip up your suit for you. Trini: Don't push it, geek. Zack: Darn. You're one of those chics that don't lighten up without cheap booze, huh? Trini: You know our relationship will go no further than destroying gross monsters. Zack: Oh yeah. You're not much of a turn-on when you're morphed. Jason: All right then, let's jump in that cool water... Zack: Yeah, but how are we suppose to breathe under there? Jason: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Zack: How could you forget something like that?!? Trini: And you said you were a certified scuba-diver. Jason: Shut up, Trini! SCENE IV: We start this scene with a zoom in of ducks that are roaming the lake aimlessly choking and dying. We pan over to Billy and Kimberly, who are sitting on a tuffet with picnic stuff. Kimberly: Isn't this a beautiful view, Billy? Billy: Yeah, other than the croaking birds and ducks. What's for lunch? Kimberly: Sardines, tuna, salmon, lobster and crab. Billy: Why so many fishy foods? Kimberly: 'Cause I know you don't like them. Billy: Oh, thanks a lot, Kim. Kimberly: What's with you and fish, anyway? Billy: Well, it started when I was 7... We dissolve the film to young Billy. Billy (Narrating): I was swimming in the sea when a big fish slowly chewed at my swim-suit and left my bare body! I was naked! I was so ashamed. My father was devastated! We dissolve back to the picnic. Kimberly: Ooh, you reminded me of that time we did it all night that late Saturday night. Billy: Kimmy! Not in front of the kids! Kimberly: Oh, well at least it wasn't a pirahna. Billy: That's true. But I'm a whimp. Kimberly: Makes me wonder why Zordon even gave you the coin. Oh well. Anyway, this sandwich won't bite you. Billy: Well, you can never be too sure. Kimberly: You make me sick. Eat the damn sandwich, you sissy. Billy: Okay. Billy takes a bite. Kimberly: Whoops! I forgot! I made that sandwich two weeks ago. Oops. Billy's mouth fills with fluid and he grabs a bag and starts feeding vomit into it. Kimberly: I still can't BELIEVE you're afraid of fish. You're lucky I haven't called all my girlfriends yet. Billy: No I'm not. There's not another pay phone for another seven miles. Kimberly: That may be true, but I mean sheesh! That was twelve YEARS ago! Get some therapy! Billy and Kimberly hear noises that sound like two people shouting. Billy: What was that? Kimberly: I don't know. Let's check it out. Billy: Nahh, I'd rather watch you with your knee in the air giving me a great view of your... Kimberly: LET'S CHECK IT OUT! They move over to the other end of the pond when they see Bulk and Skull yelling their heads off because they've never seen fish before while holding two fishing hooks connected to what they think is a big fish. Kimberly: Oh no, it's just Bulk and Skull. Billy: And I thought it was one of our viewers. Bulk: What is it?! Kimberly: It's a fish, wide-load. Skull: I knew that. Hey, since you're here... look at all the COOL stuff we got, eh? Skull walks over to a giant pile of wet junk Bulk caught. Billy: Yeah, well we have cooler stuff. Bulk: Like what, nerd-boy? Billy: Well we have a Mega... Kimberly slaps her hand over Billy's mouth. Billy: .....OW! Skull: A mega-ow? Kimberly: No. Billy's just too stupid to tell you it's none of your business. Bulk: Oh! Okay, bye now! We'll just go jump in the lake. Billy: I don't care. Billy and Kimberly are walking back to their picnic. Kimberly: I know. How about we go surprise the scuba-divers? Billy: Which ones? Kimberly: Will you shut up? Billy: Well from what I hear, if we surprise them too much they'll have a heart attack after seeing those really big, ugly fish. Kimberly: Well since they have a spine, they'll be just fine, unlike you. Billy: I resent that. Well, as long as I don't have to go in, I'll be fine. Kimberly: Okay, maybe we'll pick up some ice cream. Billy: Extra Extra Sugar? Kimberly: Okay. They both laugh likes 5-year-old kids. SCENE IV: Rita: I'll give him therapy! I'll give him another one of my ugly monsters! Oh Billy; I have a surprise for you! Goldar: Yes! Cast a spell over the Blue Ranger to make him scared of fish. Squatt: But isn't he going to get a headache? Baboo: Yeah, with all these spells, he's liable to get... Rita: Quiet! You're breaking my concentration. SCENE V: Billy and Kimberly walk over to their picnic blanket (packed with full plates of untouched food) putting away everything (ironically 5 minutes after Kimberly pulled out the food to start the picnic). While they're packing up the picnic stuff, a squad of Muddies arrive. Kimberly: Uh oh, we have company! Billy: Right! Stunt doubles! Two stunt doubles cartwheel onto the set. Stunt Doubles: Right! The Stunt Doubles fight off the Muddies until they disappear. Male Stunt Double: All right, where's our money? Billy: And you actually thought we were going to pay you? Female Stunt Double: Man this stinks! That's the last time I'm going to work for Saban! The Stunt Doubles stomp off the set. Kimberly: Billy, you were awesome! Billy: Yeah, I know. Kimberly: No, I meant your karate. Billy: Oh, OH! Oh yeah, thanks. But it was easy since I didn't have to do anything. SCENE VI: Jason, Zack and Trini are choking under the water. Trini (gasping for air): I thought you said you KNEW what you were doing! Jason: Hey take it easy! How did I know that you weren't suppose to mess with that little white cord? Zack: We better get to land and quick before our heads explode! SCENE VI: Back at the park... Billy taps his communicator Billy: Zordon, this is the Blue Ranger. Zordon: Who? Billy: Your slave, who else? Zordon: Oh right. What do you want? Billy: According to my distinct intuition... Kimberly: Which isn't much... Billy: Anyway, Rita's probably contemplating a horrible fate for the... Kimberly: Rita's probably going to make bacon-bits out of us. Zordon: Right, teleport to the Command Center right now. Billy: Okee-Dokey, I just love these un-real trips. Billy and Kimberly proceed to teleport into the command center where Alpha is seen looking up Kimberly's dress. ---------- Alpha 5: Oh there you are... Oooh! Kimberly: Stop staring up my dress, Alpha. OW! Billy: Stop that, Alpha. Only I can pinch Kimberly's bu... Zordon: Will you stop fooling around and listen to me? Kimberly: Now what did I tell you [Alpha] about... Zordon: Doesn't anybody want to listen to me? Alpha: No, not really. Zordon: Shut up, Alpha. What do you know? Kimberly: Ew! Who's vomit face on the viewing globe? Zordon: I would have told you by now, but the network doesn't allow me to rewind the videotape. Billy: Well, what is it? Zordon: It's a Toxic Gooey Fish that... well I'll make it simple, with his vomit, he'll goo ya up 'til you can't move. Billy: Well that clears it up for us. Kimberly: It's morphin time... Billy: Shouldn't the male figure say that? Kimberly: Yeah, but technically, you're not a man. Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Both: Pathetic Rangers! They start fighting Muddies and the Super-Muddies... ---------- Rita: And now! It is time for my evil spell! Goldar: Get it over with! You've been promising this spell and taking forever to cast it! Rita: Get out of my way, monkey-man! Billy, Billy--make you fear. Make your fears as sharp as a sphere! ---------- Billy begins acting cowardly trying to avoid the monster. Kimberly: What's the matter, Billy? Billy: I'm afraid of fish! That monster's a fish!! Keep it away! No! SCENE VII: Near the shore of the beach, about 5 ambulance trucks and paramedics have arrived, revealing Trini stomping on the sand--naked--with a towel wrapped around her hips and she's using her right arm to hold her chest. She stops, pauses, looks behind herself at Jason, who's also wearing nothing but a towel, and then stomps off. Jason: Hey guys, come on. [Short pause] At least we had some fun before our suits filled up with ocean water! Zordon pages them (and ironically, the communicators are water proof and are with the rangers wherever they go). Trini: It's Zordon. Zack: Yeah, at least his gear works! Jason makes a sneering facial expression at Zack as he answers it. Jason: Yeah, Zordon? Zordon: The Pink and Blue Rangers are in trouble. Jason: Why should we care? Zordon: It's your pathetic coins on the line. Jason: IT'S MORPHIN TIME! Zack: Wait a minute, I haven't gone to the bathroom. Jason: Well that could take forever! Come on! Trini: Wait, how come our morphers are always with us no matter what we're wearing or if we're wearing anything at all? Jason: Beats me. Zack: Majormess Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus Red Ranger pops out from no where blasting the goo fish, who retreats into the sea after a five-second long battle and that's the end of that scene. All five of the Rangers teleport to the Command Center. SCENE VIII: At the command center... Zordon: Report. Zack: We had a whole hell of a LOT of trouble with that goo fish. Zordon: What trouble? Jason: That must be one of Rita's worst monsters--EVER! Zordon: It is? Alpha: Aren't they all. Trini: It was all Billy's fault. Billy: HEY! I'm suppose to be feeling sorry for myself and then Kimberly... Kimberly: You're beginning to sound like Jason. Billy: Why? All: A plot leak! Billy: Well... Kimberly: Nevermind, I'll handle this. Isn't there anything we can do to help him, Zordon? Zordon: Well, you could have sex with him, but that would complicate the plot. Billy: But I would like it. Alpha: I bet you would. Kimberly: I already tried that, it won't work anyway. Zordon: Well here's something a little harder, but it will keep the show from getting canceled due to graphic content. Well as usual, when you get into a really crappy mess, I tell you to be strong and let the power protect you... Alpha: Whatever that means. Zordon: ...but this time, you have to face your Icthyophobia. Kimberly: Icky what? Alpha: Of course, you could always try therapy. Kimberly: That'll take too long. Billy: Yeah, it'll take money out of my wallet just to render me a crack-pot nut. Zordon: I guess we're stuck. You'll have to face your fear, or I drop you as a Pathetic Ranger. Billy: What do you have to face, Zordon? Zordon: Well . . . ah well . . . um ah . . .; HEY! You're not allowed to put the almighty Zordon on the spot! Jason: We don't want to piss off the dude that gave us these powers, so IT'S MORPHIN TIME! Kimberly: Wait! I'm suppose to ask if Billy is ready for this! Zack: And anybody cares? Billy starts slugging Zack. Trini: We have to save our strength for the fight, not beating up dippity-doo-head. Alpha: What for? These are all Japanese dub-overs. All you have to do is sit in a studio and make noise. Jason: Okay, NOW it's Morphin Time. [Pause] Does anybody want to say something? All: No, not really, uh uh, not really, nope. Jason: Good. Kimberly (as Jason is about to pull out his morpher): Wait a sec! Jason fumbles his morpher trying to keep from dropping it. Jason: NOW what? Kimberly: I just want to kiss Billy good luck. Zack: Oh man! Gross. Jason: It's morphin time! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus All: PATHETIC RANGERS The rangers teleport to a 14 mile wide beach area to fight three dozen muddies. Kimberly: Billy, you and the others take care of the muddies. Jason and I will take the Goo-Fish. Billy: Thanks. Let's do it. Jason and Kimberly take out the Goo-Fish and Billy and the others take the muddies contrary to plan--until the Goo-Fish is able to direct the Muddies away from Billy where he goes to scare him. Goo Fish: Ah! Blue Ranger--the weak link to your pathetic little superhero team. Billy: Now you've got me mad... Jason: No, don't use your un-real powers until after we've all been beaten. Billy: Oh right. [Goes back to cowardice] Oh, oh! Please! Keep away! No! No! Go away! Goo-Fish: You say that like I'll do it. Jason: Cut him some slack, ugly. He's not all here ya know. Goo Fish: For that, I'm going to blow you up first. Kimberly: Don't worry, sweet baby. I'm coming. Billy: Ooh, I love it when you talk like that. Trini (sounding like James Cagney): You dirty rat. Zack: A-ha! Busted for stealing other people's lines! Zack, Trini and Jason get stuck up on a hill with Toxic Goo-Fish's toxic vomit stuck on their boots. Kimberly: Don't worry, I'll get you guys loose. Jason: Look out, Kimberly! Kimberly: Huh? The Goo Fish tosses several dart shaped starfishes, clams and other sea-creatures and they instantly land all over Kimberly's chest in a super zoom in as she jerks around like a Captain Kirk breakdown scene. Jason: Hey, look out! The Goo Fish blows up everything--including the stuck-up rangers and Kimberly. Kimberly goes down in slow motion while making sexual climax cries. Kimberly: Ughn! Ugh! A-UGH! Trini: Darn it, Kimberly! What are you, dying or something? Kimberly: I just might, since these suits are made of cheap flannel. Zack: I guess I was wrong about Zordon's gear vs. Jason's. Jason: I guess we'll all die because BILLY'S A WIMP! Billy: That does it! Zordon says if I want to break Rita's lamer spell I could do it. YES! I did it. Jason: Oh yeah--just like that. These scripts just don't make sense. Billy: Nobody rips up my sugar-buns' suit! Billy starts doing these wild, funky backflips, kicks and jumps that require the work of a film editor around the monster. Billy twirls around his lance. Kimberly: Gee, the last time he moved like that was in my bedroom. Billy: I faced my fear and I broke Rita's spell, the Blue Ranger is... is... Jason: Back! "The Blue Ranger's Back," dope! Can't you remember your lines!? Can't you do anything right!? Billy: Don't start with me, Jase'! ---------- Rita: What the hell is going on down there? Finster! I thought you said this monster was legit! He looks like a circus act! Finster: Nothing ever turns out like it should on this show. Remember, you picked me from a street corner lamp and that I'm really a con-artist. Oops! Rita: I knew there was something funny about your "Psst, over here" talk. Thanks to you and your lame monsters I've got to waste another wand and make him grow. Baboo: I guess we might as well take our medicine. Rita: Not yet, we won't! Goldar: But soon. Rita (softly): Oh will you shut up? (Tsk) Magic waaaaaaa-nd, make my Goo Fish GROW! Rita throws down her staff and causes Goo-Fish to a grow to massive proportions. ---------- Billy: Looks like we're going to need more stock footage. Jason: Right! We need DinoJunk power now! The Goo-Fish and MegaJunkaZord fight it out and MegaJunkaZord wins, again. SCENE IX: As usual, Kimberly, and even Trini this time, are wearing something extraordinarily sexy in the very last scene in the show where they're doing something meaningless in the Junk Food Bar to end another idiotic episode of: "Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers!" SCENE X: Ten weeks later.... Billy is lying on a tall stretch-out couch inside a doctor's office shaking. Dr. Strangelovitz: So tell me again, Billy; what was it REALLY that has you shaking on my couch like this? Billy: Th...the monster Rita sent after me. It was terrible... THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... It's parents day at Angel Grave and the dorky parents of the stars of the show (only) make a special appearance on the show! Ex-Husband: I hate this woman. Kimberly's Mom (to Ex): Die, bum! Mr. Money (to Ex): Yeah, stuff it, windbag. Ex-Husband (to Mr. Money): Eat it, you worm! Mr. Money: You've gotta love me, I've got CASH! Kimberly's Mom: Oh yes, I love you. I only married HIM cause I thought he would make me get rich. Turns out his bank account dried up before he did; so we accidently had Kim. ...Rita uses something against the rangers: their parents hold some kind of importance in their life and therefore kidnap them with The Gasman, who comes from the evil species of the DranoMonsters! Finster: Always a chore. Let's see here... ah! I know! How about the Gasman? He descends from the monster species DranoMonsters. He'll eat starchy mexican foods 'til he has to uncontrollably let out venomous gasses, to presumably put a spell over the rangers' dweeb parents to keep them in your dimensional prison. Rita: What about them? Baboo: Humans have this strange feeling towards their parents of closeness. I don't understand it at all. ...Rita figures she can use them as a ransom demand on their Pathetic Coins. Meanwhile, Rita subjects the good ol' schmuck Billy to yet another headache because of a spell commanding him to get the BarneyZord BarneyDagger... Goldar: You shall put a spell over Billy to steal the BarneyZord BarneyDagger from the Command Center and give it to me so I can force the rangers to give up their coins to me. Rita: In which I can take to rule the world! HAHAHA! Goldar: Huh? I thought I would just steal 'em for myself and use them to play POG. I gotta add to my collection. Rita: Huh? Goldar: Nevermind. Can the rangers keep their coins and get their parents back too? Will Billy fall pray to Rita's almost too certain trap and give GOLDAR the BarneyZord BarneyDagger? Is this the first and last episode Kimberly isn't used in a sexual pun? Oh and, can't the Rangers most certainly defeat the Gasman? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!