Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Return of a Useless Friend, Part I" Parody of, "Return of an Old Friend, Part I" SCENE I: There is a big banner at the Junk Food Bar/Youth Center entrance reading `Parents Day' because it's parents day. Jason: Hey, look at my cool dad! Trini: Who? Jason: Look. Jason points to a gigantic, tattoo-painted gargantuan sitting at a table crushing soda cans with his forehead. Trini: He looks like a thug. Zack: Or some kind of bouncer. Jason: Okay, okay. He's an escaped con -- sue me! Trini: Hahahaha, my dad owns TOEI Inc. and my mom's an executive consultant. Zack: Yeah, inspecting meat cleavers. Trini runs away in shame. Zack: Look at my dad. Hi, dad! Dad? Zack's Dad (stiff voice): Hello, Son. How are you doing today? Zack: Fine, Ah, listen, I want you to meet a few of my friends. Zack's Dad (stiff voice): Exquisite. Let us adjourn to our seat. Zack: You haven't even met them yet. Oh nevermind. I know! Let's chill! Zack's Dad (stiff voice): Chill? Ernie, close the window. My son says it's chilly. Zack: No, no, no, dad! Jason: Your dad is more pathetic than mine. Trini: So that's why you're so dorky, Zack. Your dad's a yuppy. He probably was a throw back from the 70s and used to have an afro. Zack: Don't talk about pops like that! Zack's Dad: Pops? Zack: Okay, Trini. You're right -- he is a little out of it. Bulk walks in with his skinny father, and his over-load of a mother. Bulk: Meet my parents, guys! Bulk's Mom: Bulk, honey; could you help me through the door? Bulk: But Mom, you don't fit through. Bulk's Mom: Oh dear, I do need to lose a few tons, don't I? Bulk's Dad: That's strange, I'm only 97 pounds. Skull pans around with his camcorder and drops it on Zack's feet. Zack: OW! Watch where you're going, camera-punk. Zack: Majorme... Jason: Zack!! Zack: Oh, right. Skull: Major what? Zack: Major... pain, yeah, yeah. A woman dressed in a pink, mink coat walks in with her latest husband, a money-bag, uncaring, top-cat Business executive with a flashy beard. The woman is Kimberly's mother. Far off in the back of the bar is a hunky stud construction worker, who is Kimberly's real father. Trini: Hi, Mrs. and Mr... {short pause} and Mr. X. Ex-Husband: I hate this woman. Kimberly's Mom (to Ex): Die, bum! Mr. Money (to Ex): Yeah, stuff it, windbag. Ex-Husband (to Mr. Money): Eat it, you worm! Mr. Money: You've gotta love me, I've got CASH! Kimberly's Mom: Oh yes, I love you. I only married HIM cause I thought he would make me get rich. Turns out his bank account dried up before he did; so we accidently had Kim. Trini: Don't you wanna see Kim? Both: NO! Kimberly's Mom: It's just that we're obligated to act as if we care about her. That's why she's doing the nasty with god knows who she meets. Trini: Really. You're really, um, interesting. Um, I'll go get Kimberly. Trini smiles at Kimberly's mom and her new husband as she graces out the Junk Food Bar. After leaving, the smile drops and she gets this concerned look on her face as if Kim's parents are really weird. She runs up to Kimberly, who's sitting on colored boxes crying. Trini: Hey Kim, why are you crying? Kimberly: No reason, I like crying. Trini: Too bad your folks are divorced. Kimberly: My mom is divorced? Trini: Wouldn't you know something like that? Kimberly: Nah. Ever since I've become a Pathetic Ranger, I haven't really known much about what goes on in my house. Trini: Eh? Well, your parents --- I guess, are just dying to see you. Kimberly: Really? All right, I'll be back in. I just first have to check my makeup. SCENE II: Rita's Palace. Rita: FINSTER! FINSTER! Stop watching TV and make me a monster! Finster: But why? Rita: I have a diabolical plan. In the meantime, GET UP AND WORK! Finster: Always a chore. Let's see here... ah! I know! How about the Gasman? He descends from the monster species DranoMonsters. He'll eat starchy mexican foods 'til he has to uncontrollably let out venomous gasses, to presumably put a spell over the rangers' dweeb parents to keep them in your dimensional prison. Rita: What about them? Baboo: Humans have this strange feeling towards their parents of closeness. I don't understand it at all. Squatt: That's because you gamble and you put your grandma's teeth up for collateral, and you sold your father for chips. Baboo: Shut UP, Squatt! Goldar: You shall put a spell over Billy to steal the BarneyZord BarneyDagger from the Command Center and give it to me so I can force the rangers to give up their coins to me. Rita: In which I can take to rule the world! HAHAHA! Goldar: Huh? I thought I would just steal 'em for myself and use them to play POG. I gotta add to my collection. Rita: Huh? Goldar: Nevermind. Squatt: Won't that blue dude get a headache from all these spells we keep casting upon him? Rita: Okay, Squatt. Tell me about the part where I'm suppose to care. Squatt: Nevermind. Finster: Okay. Can I get my shiney pay now? Rita: I'm decreasing your salary. Here's a shiney half of a penny. Finster: Oh gee, I have my work cut out for me. Rita: Send down the Gasman. As for the Blue-Nosed Ranger, I've got plans for you! SCENE III: Jason is sitting at a table in the Junk Food Bar holding up an alphabet board teaching his father. Jason: Remember, this is "P." Jason's Dad: Really? And to think I knew my AlphaBers. Jason: By the way, A.B. writers, that's why I love being a pathetic ranger. My parents have the I.Q. rating of a stale raisin. Jason's Mom: Oh there you are. You remember the court proceedings, Jason dear. Jason: I know, I know. "Do not be in the presence of Dad without you around." Mother: Exactly! Jason's Dad (crazily): For some strange reason, I'm in the mood for crushing melons. Mother: See? There he goes again. Hey fatso! Ernie: Talkin' to me? Mother: Yeah! Dish up a cantaloupe. Ernie: A what? Mother: You heard me, lard-butt. Ernie: Man, what a grouch. Jason: She's always like that, Ernie. Mother: Are you talking behind my back to that Ernie fellow? Jason: No, mom. I was, uh, commenting on how lovely your perfume smells (cough, cough). Mother: Oh. Thank you. Somewhere else in the Junk Food Bar, Kimberly approaches money bags, her mom and Biff, her original father. Kimberly: Hi, mom. Hi, Dad. Hi, Mister. Mr. Cash: Please, call me dad. Kimberly: Why? Mr. Cash: You want that new Jeep I've been promising you which you've always wanted? Kimberly: It was a Ford. Mr. Cash: All right. I'll treat you to your favorite dinner, caviar. Kimberly: My favorite is Spaghetti. Mr. Cash: Shut UP! Here's 20 bucks to go away. Kimberly: Uh, and you wonder I call you Mister. Kimberly's Mom: I don't think we want to get into that again. Ex-Husband: By the way, why didn't you show up, Kimberly? Kimberly: Well that's because I was busy off stage fooling around with... Ahahahaha, nevermind. The Rangers suddenly group up together again in the hall. Jason: Let's save the world. Or for that matter, my parents' brain. Trini: C'mon, I sense something's wrong outside. Zack: How would you know? Trini: Because, I had a home-business being a psychic. Of course that WAS before my parents got arrested. Anyway, let's go outside. The rangers run outside the Junk Food Bar. Zack: I don't see anything. Muddies appear and the rangers start knocking them off, while the Gasman captures the Pathetic Rangers' Parents. ---------- Meanwhile, Billy waltzes in the emptied, cracked floored, food spilled Junk Food Bar. Billy: Aw man, am I late. Wait a minute! I know what's going on here! This happened to me when I was 10. They took the party to another place and left me high and dry! Well, you've won this round, Ernie; but I will get my revenge! Rita (voice-over): Weak Ranger, you shall do my bidding! Billy: Which one? Rita: DOH! You, ya moron! Blue-Nosed Ranger, you shall capture the BarneyZord BarneyDagger and bring it to me! Billy: I shall do whatever you say. Man, this role sucks. Rita: I'm WAITING! Billy: Okay, okay. I'm goin'! Billy teleports in a special, wicked way to the Command Center. SCENE V: In the command center... Alpha is kicked back on the computer console reading his monthly issue of "Rangers in the Buff." Alpha: I still say that Kimberly's... Billy arrives ready to kick butt. Alpha: Oh hi, Billy. Wanna check out Kimberly's... Billy: I ain't in the mood, you lousy excuse for an old burned out toaster oven! Alpha: You can't talk to me like that! I'm your friend! Remember all the good times we had together spying on Kimberly while she spent a good hour in her bathroom? Billy: That doesn't matter now. Rita is now my mistress! Alpha: Oh yuck! Billy: Oh yes. That's right, droid. Alpha: Not another rip off from "Green with Vomit." Billy: The Lamer A.B. Writers decided to rip off one of their old plots. AB Writers: Hey, we heard that! Billy: Nevermind that. Here's another rip off: I'm going to disconnect you from the FOX Childrens Network Power Co. Alpha: Oh no, not that! Ah! Billy yanks out an unknown, and unseen wire that shuts Alpha off. Zordon: Hey Billy, what's your problem? Billy: You're my problem, you over inflated windbag of a head! Zordon: WHAT did you just call me?!? Billy: You heard me, you jerk. Now for what I came here! Zordon: I would sic Alpha after you to get you in an arm-lock, but he's crappy garbage and the only programming he has is from video games. Plus, he's dead as a "Trini's bra." Billy just gets the BarneyDagger in his hands magically. Zordon: Hey you! Put that back! Billy: And why should I listen to you?? I'm outta here! Zordon: What do you need it for? Billy: Goodbye. Zordon: No you don't! Alpha. Alpha 5, wake up! Holy crap! Billy disappears with the BarneyDagger. Zordon: I've got to get myself a new bodyguard. SCENE VI: In the Junk Food Bar... Zack: Why is it that our parents aren't here? Trini: You bonehead! We've been standing here for 2 minutes looking for clues, so don't ask any dumb questions. Jason: Does anybody want me to leak the plot? All: NO! Kimberly: By the way, how come you get to know the plot but we just have to play along like a bunch of stupid idiots? Jason: That's because the writer is my cousin. But anyhow... Zordon pages the rangers. Jason: Yeah, Zordon? Zordon: How did you know it was me? Jason: Who else would be calling us on this line? Zordon: Oh yeah, I forgot. Hehe. Anyhow, teleport here immediately; there's an emergency situation at hand here. Zack: As always... Jason: Let's go, guys. They teleport away to the Command Center. Trini: Where are our parents? Zack: Yeah? Jason: Why should you care? Your dad's a dope. Zack: Why you...!! Zordon: Your parents are safe but on Marijuana for the moment because of the Gasman Monster. His species is the DranoMonster. Jason: What's a DranoMonster? Zordon: Behold the Viewing Globe. Trini: But we just did that. Zordon: Do it AGAIN! Zack: Gosh--our parents don't look any different than they did before. Zack is watching the viewing globe displaying everyone's parents droning around looking dead. Zordon: Nevermind them; I'm waiting for the film to run out and switch to that rat face. In the meantime; Rita felt that there wasn't any need to drug them too hard since they already do a good enough job when left to themselves. Long Pause. Suddenly, the film garbles up and then changes to the monster on the viewing globe. Zordon: Oh there it is. Kimberly: Gross. Zack: Monster's pretty scary, huh? Kimberly: No, I meant your choice in clothes. Zack: Huh? Zordon: Forget it, that's Gasman; his toxic smell puts people under spells and makes the day sky look like mid evening. Jason: Why? Zordon: For effect. Trini: Jeez. Huh? What happened to Alpha? Zordon: Oh yeah, almost forgot; mind-bent Billy unplugged Alpha 5. Trini: Let's see here. Trini flickers on Alpha with this big red button that was just then implanted on Alpha. Alpha: It's about time, Trini! Zack: Great; now we get to hear more "Aye Yi Yis"! Jason: Where's Billy? Zordon: Beats me. Zack: Aw great. So he could just be roaming the streets naked, wallowing in his own filth doing god knows what with the BarneyDagger. Trini: Impossible, he has Gymnophobia. Kimberly: Not after last Saturday night. Jason: Eugh! Just thinking about it makes my skin crawl. We're gonna have to get that knife out of Billy's hands before he cuts up the town. Zack: Or worse! Jason: What could be worser? Trini: Uh... Jason: It's morphin time! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus SCENE VII: The Rangers Teleport to Rita's Dark Dimension/Goldar's Playroom. Billy is slowly walking towards Goldar with this weird molecular ring over his head indicating he's under a spell. He's holding the BarneyDagger. Jason: Billy, don't do it! Billy is slowly walking over to Goldar with the BarneyZord Dagger. Goldar: Your meaningless words have no effect on him! Kimberly: Mine will. Hey Billy... Kimberly prances over to Billy and whispers naughty things in his ear. The laser ring that indicates Billy is under a spell disappears from his forehead. Goldar runs up to crazed Billy and wrestles with him. Goldar: Gimme that, you little pip-squeak! Billy: Whoo-wee! Darn, that was good. Hey, where am I? Ew! Goldar, why do you have the BarneyZord BarneyDagger? Goldar: You just gave it to me, fool! HAHAHAHAHA! Jason: No he didn't. You snatched it out of his hands, thief! Billy: Oh no! What have I done!? Jason: I'll tell you what you did! You didn't run away before Rita pull the spell over you, dipstick. Zack: Enough talk, Goldar and his SuperMuddies are attacking! They fight for a while. Suddenly, a bunch of muddies begin distracting the Pathetic Rangers from Goldar. Once Goldar has had what he wants, the muddies disappear and an hourglass just appears into Goldar's hands. Goldar: You have 'til the end of this hourglass to make up your mind on whether or not you want to give up your Pathetic Coins, your shorts and get your parents back and a free chili-burger, or keep your coins and lose your parents forever! Hahahahaha! Trini (whimpering voice): No! Goldar teleports away while laughing. Trini: What do we do? Jason: Figure out away to keep our coins and get our parents back, fast! Kimberly: And keep our underwear. Zack: What about Billy? Kimberly: Yeah, he's free from the spell now. Zack: Well now what? It is apparent that now that he isn't under the spell he should morph. Jason: Good point, he will just have to help us now that he doesn't have the spell. Kimberly: What a rough decision. Zack: Why are we dragging out telling him to morph? Jason: Because we're trying to fill time before Goldar steals our coins and shorts. Zack: Oh, right. Jason: Billy, it's morphin time. Billy: Right. Aren't I suppose to say that, though? Jason: Just get on with it! Billy: Tribladdertops SCENE VIII: They all teleport away and we switch to Japanese footage. Goldar calls the BarneyZord, who sloshes through town, destroying everything. Billy: Gee, it seems like everyone's sweaty lips have been on that thing, huh? Trini: How unsanitary. Jason: We need DinoJunk Power Now! The Zords appear. Jason: Let's go! They all jump inside their zords. Jason: Rangers, I'm saying the same line! Zack: Tooti fruitti! Trini: Trini here, ready to rock! Billy: This is Billy, I'm sure I'm sane. Kimberly: I love this part! Jason: Power up your lollipops. The MegaJunkaZord forms and enters battle with the hexed BarneyZord. They fight a little to fill time for no real reason and then jump out of their zords awaiting for Goldar's obnoxiousness to annoy them. Goldar: Your time is up, fools! What'll it be?! Billy: What do we do? Trini: Try Zordon. Jason: Right. Zordon, this is Red Ranger; what do we do? Zordon: You could take your BladeBlaster to zap Goldar and destroy the Gasman to free your parents, but then we wouldn't have a two-parter, plus, we would lose ratings if we didn't bring back Green Ranger. Zack: Oh all right. Goldar, you're going to pay for this. Goldar: How much do you want? Zack: You think you're funny? Jason: I'm keeping my coin. Trini: So am I. Billy: You can't do that or this show will be destroyed. Remember, your Dad owns our "ZyuStooges" stock footage. Trini: What about your parents? Jason: Who wants to have two more nerds in the world? Goldar: Stop your babbling and give 'em up! Kimberly: Well I won't give up my coin, and neither will Billy or Jason. Trini: So I guess you're stuck with me. Goldar: WHAT?! You give me the weakest ranger's coin of all? Zack: Hey, I'm keeping mine, so you'll just have to put up and shut up. Goldar: I'm through playing footsy. Gimme! Goldar snatches the coins out of the rangers' hands. Billy: You can't do that! That's stealing. Goldar: Fools! You just gave me your Pathetic coins! Kimberly: No we didn't! You stole them. Goldar: Oh yeah, so I did. Hahahaha! Kimberly: Jason, are you crying? Jason (cracking voice): No. I have something in my eye, excuse me. Jason walks off the set and cries it out and then comes back with his face dripping wet. Goldar: Oh, shut up, ya cry-baby! Gimme your shorts, too! Billy: You're nuts. Trini: I'm not wearing any. Goldar: HUH?! Kimberly: Are you out of your klondike mind? Jason: Why don't you ask for something that we can deliver? Like a ride on a space shuttle without an oxygen suit? Goldar: The shorts!! The rangers all begin to pull their pants down and the camera moves in on their humiliated faces as they pull off their underwear and give it to Goldar. He then pulls out a camera and takes a picture of them with their pants down. Goldar: Hahahaha!! That's news! Rita should get a kick outta this. I'm gonna blow it up and put it in a big frame! Hahaha! So, not only do I have your shorts, but I ALSO have your power! Hahaha! Goldar sticks his tongue out at the rangers. Jason: Well now that you have what you want, our Pathetic coins... Billy: And our underwear... Trini: Give me back my Daddy. Zack: And Mommy! Goldar: What?? You actually expected me not to lie and give you your parents back? What more, I have your coins, now I can rule the world and you can't do not'n about it! Jason: Fat chance. Zordon never gave us enough power to defeat you! Goldar: Quiet. There is nothing you can do about it now because I've thoroughly humiliated you on international TV and I'm going away now. Kimberly: Get back here! Jason: Yeah! What happened to our free chili-burger? Ketchup, barbecue sauce, chili, other sauces, lettuce, tomatoes, meat, liquid cheese and a bun are thrown onto the Pathetic Rangers. Goldar poofs away. Trini: Another dramatic scene -- destroyed. ---------- In the command center... Zordon: Teleport the rangers here, Alpha. Alpha: Right. Uh, what for? Zordon: Just do it! Alpha: Ee-yes'sir. SCENE IX: In the command center... Kimberly: Now what? Goldar has all the Morphing Coins. Trini: Doesn't make any difference; Goldar is too big to morph; he'll rip the spandex. Jason: Plus, he doesn't have a Pathetic Morpher. Kimberly: Does it matter? He can just rinse them down the sink or throw them into outer space until they bust wide open. Alpha: Wait, don't you have another coin? Jason: What, oh OH! You mean that Green thing. Yeah, that's true; never thought of that! SCENE X: Tommy is REALLY late for Parents' Day (and because Tommy's abilities render him equivalent to a space alien, he has no parents), and the camera zooms in on his feet that are walking when his foot bashes in the lenses and they need a new camera and zoom in on Tommy's face (and his ugly new hairdo). Tommy: What happened to everybody? Singers: GO GREEN RANGER, GO GO... Tommy pulls out a rifle and shoots the singers. Singers (in pain): Ugh... TO BE CONTINUED... (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Tommy is kidnaped to the Command Center and is given his coin back without any supporting powers so he can save the other five's coins. Tommy: Hey, Kim. Hey, Billy. What's up? Jason: We kinda made a deal with Goldar. Tommy: You made a deal with the devil? (Tsk, Tsk, Tsk) Bad move. ...and he's forced to face Goldar --- the unstoppable henchman... Goldar: All right, Ranger Kill-Joy. I'll try to find fun in destroying you --again. Tommy: It isn't going to work this time! Is Tommy too chicken-doody to bring back the Pathetic Rangers' coins? Can he bring them back? Is it even worth it? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!