Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Return of a Useless Friend, Part II" Parody of, "Return of an Old Friend, Part II" LAST TIME ON PATHETIC RANGERS: Rita slave drives Finster into finding a monster to trap all the stars' parents in Rita's Black Hole... Finster: Always a chore. Let's see here... ah! I know! How about the Gasman? He descends from the monster species DranoMonsters. He'll eat starchy mexican foods 'til he has to uncontrollably let out venomous gasses, to presumably put a spell over the rangers' dweeb parents to keep them in your dimensional prison. ...while Goldar is coaching Rita to fool Billy into robbery... Goldar: You shall put a spell over Billy to steal the BarneyZord BarneyDagger from the Command Center and give it to me so I can force the rangers to give up their coins to me. Rita: In which I can take to rule the world! HAHAHA! ..... Billy just gets the BarneyDagger in his hands magically. Zordon: Hey you! Put that back! Billy: And why should I listen to you?? I'm outta here! Zordon: What do you need it for? Billy: Goodbye. Zordon: No you don't! Alpha. Alpha 5, wake up! Holy crap! ...and Goldar subjects the Rangers to a trick ultimatum... Kimberly: Well I won't give up my coin, and neither will Billy or Jason. Trini: So I guess you're stuck with me. Goldar: WHAT?! You give me the weakest ranger's coin of all? Zack: Hey, I'm keeping mine, so you'll just have to put up and shut up. Goldar: I'm through playing footsy. Gimme! Goldar snatches the coins out of the rangers' hands. Billy: You can't do that! That's stealing. Goldar: Fools! You just gave me your Pathetic coins! Kimberly: No we didn't! You stole them. Goldar: Oh yeah, so I did. Hahahaha! ---------- Trini: Give me back my Daddy. Zack: And Mommy! Goldar: What?? You actually expected me not to lie and give you your parents back? What more, I have your coins, now I can rule the world and you can't do not'n about it! ...and Tommy is their only hope! Tommy: What happened to everybody? Is Tommy too chicken-doody to bring back the Pathetic Rangers' coins? Can he bring them back? Is it even worth it? Find out today on the Conclusion of "Return of A Useless Friend" NEXT! SCENE I: In the command center, Jason is rubbing around Tommy's BarneyZord power coin. Jason: What do we do now? Trini: Well, now I know what goes on in my house seeing is I'm not a Pathetic Ranger anymore. Jason: I WANT MY POWERS BACK! I CRAVE THEM! I HUNGER THEM! It's just not fair, dammit! Zack: Look, you're the one that got us into this big ranger mess to risk our lives every single week. Jason: Now we're heroes. Zack: Man, nobody even knows who the Pathetic Rangers are! And anyway, if they did, I'd have a date with Sandwicha. Jason: Listen, we're going back to our powers or else! Zack: Okay, okay, okay. But how are we suppose to get our powers back? Kimberly: Yeah? Ever since Jason messed over Tommy, that coin's been useless. Zordon: Pathetic Rangers, I know a way. Billy: Why do you always have a solution just after everyone's lives have become a living hell? Zack: Yeah? If you know everything, you should have told us that Billy was in danger, you dope. Zordon: Shouldn't you be grateful I have something to help you with? Kimberly: Not if we'll have to have our powers stripped before you come up with an answer. Zordon: If I were any more angry, I'd fall out to another dimension! Now shut up, and listen to my solution, or be banished from the command center forever. Jason: We're not obligated to listen to you, because if you get rid of us, you'll be bored for another 2,000 years. Zordon: Silence, I only know what's right and wrong. Which you're right. Getting back to the main issue, I'll give my energy to that old rust of a coin and give it to Tommy. Jason: Okay. Let's see if that wuss can handle the power. SCENE II: Back at the shambled Junk Food Bar... Tommy: What's going on? I feel odd like the time I was a ranger. Tommy is teleported from the Junk Food Bar to the command center. ---------- Tommy is wandering around as if he's never been in the command center before. Tommy: Hey, Kim. Hey, Billy. What's up? Jason: We kinda made a deal with Goldar. Tommy: You made a deal with the devil? (Tsk, Tsk, Tsk) Bad move. Jason: Look, TOM; we gave 'em our coins for our parents, and he stole the coins and left our parents high and dry. Billy: He took our underwear and now I have to spend the rest of this episode with my unmentionables hanging around with no support because he tricked us with the cheap reward of getting a hamburger, which we didn't get. Tommy: Man, he really cleaned you clowns out. Jason: I'm gonna slug you in a minute! We were kinda wondering if you'd help us out. Tommy: Hahahah! Let me get this straight, you gave Goldar all your power coins --your precious power coins AND your underwear to get a stupid cheeseburger and your parents and you thought Goldar was not vile and was going to do right by you?! Hahaha!! This is HYSTERICAL! Hahahaha! Number one, why should I help you get your powers back? I was only pretending that I wasn't FUMING MAD after you staged that LAME-O job of rescuing me for the sake of the A.B. Writers and the only chance of me getting back on this show. The only reason that comes to mind why I should do anything for you five nitwits is that I may get paid dearly for it, and I guess I'll get my powers back. Makes you uncomfortable, huh Jase'? Jason: I never liked you anyway. I'm just glad your going to help us get our powers back. Tommy: I'll see what I can do. ---------- At Rita's Palace... She's looking in, worried that Tommy's there. Rita: Uh oh! Where'd that bum come from? Goldar: I'll personally dispose of the little scoundrel. There is no way he could help them! His powers were snuffed! Rita: Yes, that's right! I just love basking in that. Squatt: Yes, that was excellent work, Rita! Baboo: Yes! Brilliant! Brilliant! Rita: Stop sucking up! You beat that Tommy up and give him the message that if he ever shows his face around here again, he'll be eating out of his own intestines! Goldar: Yes, my empress! I shall do as you command! ---------- Back at the command center... Alpha: Zordon's going to give Tommy his brain juice to drink, which will make Zordon be able to reinforce his powers for a temporary period of time. [Militantly] DRINK! Tommy: Okay. Tommy begins sipping the "Brain Juice." Tommy: A little tart, but okay. Tommy morphs into his Green Ranger costume again. Tommy: Hey! I have my power back! Alpha: Now go out there and fight. You've only got 5 minutes on those powers, you know. Tommy: Right, I'm outta here. SCENE III: Goldar (who happened to already be outdoors, waiting for combat) is standing outside some unknown part of Angel Grave Park when Tommy morphs into action with his head panning around, looking for Goldar. Tommy: All right, metal head. Where are you? Goldar: Playing `hide and seek!' Ollie ollie oxynfree! Tommy: I'm through playing games! Goldar: I'm not. "Go Fish?" Tommy: NO! Goldar: All right, Ranger Kill-Joy. I'll try to find fun in destroying you --again. Tommy: It isn't going to work this time! Goldar: Why? Tommy: Because the writers said so. Goldar: Oh. Well why don't I just give up now? Tommy: Because the writers said so. Goldar: What are we, slaves? Tommy: Shut up and put up your dukes. Several still-shot pictures of Tommy getting his lights punched out by Goldar are flashed. Goldar: Like that? Tommy (reeling from the pain): No, not exactly that graphic! Goldar: Okay. Muddies; attack Green Ranger while I munch on a banana. Tommy's communicator beeps. Tommy: What is it? Alpha: It's me, Alpha. Tommy: Alpha! Alpha, I'm busy. Call back later. Alpha: Stop fooling around! You've only got two minutes left. Tommy: Oh, yeah. SCENE IV: After a long and challenging battle; Tommy is teleported back to the command center with the DragonFly Flute and Power Coins. Tommy de-morphs, lying on the floor looking like he's dying. Jason: Oh cool; my coin! Trini: But what about... Jason: Nevermind him! Jason: Trashosaurus Jason morphs and he leans against a control console breathing a egocentric sigh of relief. Jason: Ah, that feels good. Billy: Power freak. Tommy: I don't feel so good. Kimberly, there's something I want you to have. Kimberly: What is it? Tommy: It's my Black Belt. Alpha: You're not dying, fool! Tommy (suddenly stops looking like he's dying): Oh, okay. Forget it. Tommy's head rapidly drops to the floor again and he goes directly back to looking like he's dying. Kimberly (thinks): Whew, thank goodness he didn't give it to me. I could never live with myself for running around with Billy while having Tommy's Pride & Joy. Billy: Wait a minute. Zordon's cracked. Tommy stayed out there too long, now we've gotta retrieve Zordon. Zack: Who needs him? Billy: Uh, that's the dumbest question you've ever asked me. Now shut up and listen to the brainiac. Jason: So what kind of crazed, spaced-out, intergalactic thing do we have to do now? Billy: Nothing. Just get the gum out of the computer console. Billy yanks a long line of chewing gum from out of the computer console and Zordon comes back. Zordon: Thank you, Billy. Jason: Well that was stupid. Zordon: Well, now that we are approaching the end of the script (when the writer's paper supply ran out), you guys can save your parents by getting some disinfectant and airing out the Gasman. Trini: Yeah! Whatever happened to him, anyway? Zordon: Goldar was too busy ego-tripping off of taking your Pathetic Coins, Gasman just decided to take a twenty-three houred, thirty minute vacation. Billy: But that's the time span between each episode! Zordon: Exactly. Kimberly: Well, what do we do? Zordon: Just what I told you, get a can of disinfectant and spray his whiskers. His moldy smell will evaporate along with his spell on your parents and himself. Kimberly: I kinda like not having any parents! Zack: Yeah, we don't have to go to school... Trini: ...we don't have to go to bed so early! Kimberly: We can party 'til the moon drops. Jason: But they feed us. Zack: Oh, right. Jason: And besides, it's fun having your parents be less powerful than you are. Billy: All you ever seem to think about is your ego. Jason: What else matters? [PAUSE] Jason: Exactly. Let's get going. Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat ALL: Pathetic Rangers! SCENE V: In REALLY, REALLY old stock footage, The Rangers are somewhere near a cave in mid evening, looking for the Gasman. Trini: That rat's gotta be around here someplace. Jason: I smell something. Zack did you fart? Zack: HEY! That's a very rude question. Just because I ate a turkey and balogna sandwich with a side dish of a pound of broccoli doesn't mean I'm the culprit. Kimberly: Well I guess we found him then. Look! Gasman: Anybody need their waterheater turned on?! Heha! Heha! Billy: He's nuttier than a fruitcake. Kimberly: Man, he SMELLS like he's eaten a fruitcake from the way he's puttin' out that smell. Whew! Gasman: Prepare to smell something REALLY, REALLY stinky! DEHAHAHA! Trini: Wow, something smells really cool! Billy: Trini, you served us doody. Remember your Dad's bars? Trini: Oh, yeah. Kimberly: Hey, don't breathe it, you guys! Trini: Why? Zack: Yeah. Trini's right, this stuff does smell good! Kimberly: Are you guys insane!?! Jason: I just can't hold my breath... Kimberly: Why not? Jason: Because my muscles are too big! Kimberly: Oh, oh no, Billy; stop that! Billy: Stop what? Kimberly: Stop probing his gills. You'll smell it too! SCENE VI: At the command center... Alpha: Now four of the rangers are under The Gasman's smell, and have fallen under his spell. Now what? Zordon: I dunno, but hearing your rhyming was very comical. Alpha: Aye Yi Yi! SCENE VII: After sniffing too much of the stench emanating from the Gasman, the rangers being walking very evilly as they go after Kimberly. All (but Kimberly): Get Pink Dink Ranger, Pink Dink Ranger. Kimberly: Guys! Let go of me! ---------- Rita's looking in on her telescope. Rita: Hahaha! Gasman's gased the rangers! ---------- In the command center... Tommy jumps out of a bed feeling fit as a fiddle. Alpha: Hey, I thought you were suppose to be in a coma! Tommy: Remember, it's me, Tommy; the man who can walk through fire unscathed. So where's my loser friends? Zordon: Those four are attacking Pink Dink Ranger because they fell under the spell of The Gasman's gas! Tommy: Well I've gotta save her, since she loves me. He holds his chest and blinks his eyes off into nothing... Alpha: Huh! Tommy: What was that, Alpha? Alpha: Oh, oh nothing. Nothing at all, you just go out there and do your stuff. Zordon: Remember, Tommy, your powers are only temporary. Tommy: Uh, yeah; later... Tommy: BarneyZord! SCENE VIII: All the rangers (under the spell) are dragging Kimberly until they shove her up against a cave wall and start fooling around with her super suit. Kimberly: Not the helmet, you guys! Stop fooling with that latch. No Billy, don't touch those zippers! Tommy: SEET WHOEAH! Tommy somersaults into the air and kicks all the rangers away. The incredible jolt knocks their brains back into focus and they stop attacking Kimberly. Kimberly: Boy am I glad to see you! Tommy: Same here. Kimberly: My hero! Tommy: Hey, I'm not Indiana Jones... I'm not even Illinois Smith. Jason and Zack: Huh? Billy and Trini: Huh? Tommy: Wake up, you fools! You're out of the spell. Billy: Not me, I was already awake. Kimberly: Then you were feeling my costume for nothing? Billy: It was fun! Tommy: For that, I oughta... Gasman: Won't anybody pay attention to me? Am I not stinky enough? Zack: Eat another stalk of broccoli, you'll do just fine. Maybe we'll start paying attention to you. Gasman: Aw man, can't I be known for something more than just farts? Trini: No, because that's why they call you The Gas-Man--get it? Gasman: Oh man, how did I get into this sucky line of work, anyway? Finster just appears... All Rangers: Huh? Finster: And for that answer, we turn to Finster (that's me). Rita's personal monster advisor. I was auditioning... Gasman: Enough! I should blow up all of you seven. Finster: But I created you! Gasman: Want a wiff? Gasman shoves Finster out of the scene while Finster is kicking and screaming. Jason: Better. Gasman blows up the field where the rangers are. Kimberly makes sensuous moans and growns. Tommy (looking like he's about to save her), then, runs over to her side. Tommy: Hey Kim, is this better than sex? Kimberly: How would I know? I just tease everybody. I don't know the first thing about sex. Billy: Yes you do. Remember when you showed me your... Kimberly: Not when Tommy's around! Tommy: Not when Tommy's around to do what? Zack: Enough talking. Gasman's going to shoot off again! ---------- Rita: Oh that's right, Rangers! 'Cause now the smells are gonna get worse. Make my Gasman GROW! Rita throws down her staff and causes Gasman to grow into a skyscraper. ---------- Jason: That's IT! We need DinoJunk power, right now! Tommy: But Jason, wait. What about this thing with you [Kimberly] and Billy, uh? Kimberly: Drop it! Zack: The Zords are here. Billy: I can't seem to drop mine. Kimberly: Billy! Jason: Let's go! AHEAH! Jason: Okay, rangers logon! Power up your lollipops! Get the Plastic Sword! Zack: We've got some brains for ourselves. We don't need you to tell us what to do all the time! Jason: Then what other purpose am I here for? Kimberly: To cast orders? Jason: That's what I figured. Anyway, just shut up and do what I say. Billy: Well MegaJunkaZord is formed. Now what? Jason: We do some really funky moves and destroy the monster with the extra special added bonus of getting our lamebrain parents back. Zack: You mean the hoodlum ex-con of yours? Jason: ANNNYway! Let's finish 'em! Tommy: BarneyZord! Arise! BarneyZord emerges from the coast and helps MegaJunkaZord battle Gasman. After it's all said and done, they need Titanic to help defeat the monster. Gasman implodes because an overload of fowl smells after a semi-long battle. SCENE X: The already returned parents are having a food fight at Ernie's Junk Food Bar (already in progress when the show came back from commercial). The Rangers are standing around in the hallway (ironically smelling like a daisy). Jason: Since this parody has gotten up to 469 lines at this point, I think we should call it a night, huh readers? Billy: Yeah. Good night! Tommy: But I still wanna know what you're talk about with you and Billy! So how 'bout some truth, huh Kim? Kimberly starts running away. Tommy: Kimberly, Kimberly wait! I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. She must still love me. Zack: Oh what a fool. Billy: Yeah. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Billy gets a B in class and loses his mind! Billy: ...Oh no! Now my compensation for my mental shortcoming no longer exists! What am I going to do? ...Rita gets an idea to send the rangers another test, a magic bumble bee! Finster: I dunno. I guess he's suppose to buzz a lot. Rita: You stupid idiot! It's suppose to sting the rangers into delirium! Finster: The only problem is he has a really crummy attitude and is always cranky, grumpy and cantankerous all the time, kinda reminds me of someone I know. Will Billy destroy the monster, or will they use the Plastic Sword like every other episode? Is Billy ever going to get an A+ again? Or is he going to become a street thug, mugging old ladies out of sheer shame? Are you going to get confused from looking at this episode like I did? Find out on the NEXT episode of the Pathetic Rangers!