Billy: Before this episode begins, I would like the readers to know that Sonic the Lobsthog is pronounced (Lobst-hog), like Sonic the Hedgehog. Thank you. Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Eat Skin and Needles" Parody of, "On Fins and Needles" SCENE I: Tommy is in the karate class (which happened to be vandalized last week, thereby causing a huge hole in the ceiling of Ernie's Junk Food Bar) with 2-8 year olds being taught and practising. Tommy is wearing a foamy glove testing a little girl (that looks like a boy, almost) on how well she can kick. Tommy: Alright KICK! The girl kicks Tommy's coated wrist. Tommy: KICK! The girl kicks harder. Tommy: KICK! The girl kicks her hardest. Tommy: Good. You've been doing well. Could you turn your heads a moment? I have to speak to Jason. [Quietly to Jason while wringing his wrist] Jason, I think I have to go to the hospital! Jason: Oh brother. Anyway, kids! Life is all about building muscles to adore and marry. And fight at all times. Co-operation is the last thing to think about. When some punk gets up in your face, don't discuss anything, just use your five knuckles and expose his brains to the light of day. Fighting is always the answer... Tommy: Jason, who wrote this? Jason: I did. Tommy: Gimme that! Tommy snatches away Jason's script and scribbles in what Jason's SUPPOSED to be saying and then hands it back to Jason to relay to his students. Jason: Ugh, karate should only be used for self-defense, and only if fighting is the only way to resolve your problems, blah blah blah. Tommy: Umm, yeah. Anyway, kids! Class dismissed! As their class clears, Tommy and Jason walk over to the rest of the bar where Trini, Zack, Kim and Billy are. Trini: Hey, whaddya think of my new outfit? Zack: It's okay, but it could be better. Trini: Really? Billy: The suspenders are kinda dorky. Trini: Think I should lose the suspenders? Zack: No, I was thinking that you should take off your shirt, here. Trini: Okay. She begins pulling up her shirt from out of her jeans when she suddenly realizes what Zack was asking for and stops abruptly. Trini: Hey! Zack snickers. Trini: Ugh. You disgust me, you pig. Kimberly: Whaddya think of my new do, Billy? Billy: Did you see "Nightmare on Elm Street: 3" seventeen times? If so, I sure hope you weren't scared, 'cause your hair looks like it's standing on ends. Zack: Yeah, it looks like a tidal-wave. Kimberly: Ugh! So what's up? Tommy: We're teaching teamwork in karate. Jason: Yawn. Tommy: Yeah, yeah. C'mon, let's get lost in the woods and touch something venomously deadly. Jason: That sounds like fun! SCENE II: Rita's butt-ugly palace. Rita: FINSTER! Finster kneels and crawls up to Rita. Finster: Is it pay day? Rita: NO! IT'S SERVICE DAY! Finster: But service day is everyday! I only get paid every six months. Rita: Uhhh, do you have a monster? Finster: Dreadfully, yes. I decided to go fine dining where I found this thirty pound lobster and decided to make him into the Sonic the Lobsthog monster. Rita: Is there a point to this monster besides ripping off the name of a Saturday morning cartoon show? Finster: Yes. He's SO fast that he can pull smoothies on the rangers and they won't know what hit 'em! Goldar: I have something to throw in! Baboo: Another obnoxious comment? Goldar: Yes, but I was saving that for another episode. This time, I remembered pouring magic mashed potato syrup on my four year old son's boomerang and he started pouting like he's never pouted before and attacked his older brother. Rita: And I should care about this, because? Goldar: Because with this evil boomerang, Tommy and Jason are going to behave and tell each other what they really feel about each other instead of the phony- balogna lies that they built for each other to keep from screwing each other's heads off! Rita: That's good! SCENE III: Tommy and Jason are babbling about nothing while walking together in the woods. Jason: ...why is it, that hot dog buns are put in packages of eight and hot dog weenies are put in packages of ten? Tommy: And why do they use lighter fluid on barbecue grills instead of gasoline? Jason: I just don't get it. Muddies swarm around and start beating up Jason and Tommy and one Muddie throws a syrupy boomerang at Tommy and Tommy holds it and gets his hands all sticky and likewise for Jason, who both get shocked. Jolting, Jason and Tommy are knocked away and they let go of the boomerang. Prior to it, the muddies take off and Jason and Tommy are thoroughly brainwashed. Jason: What's the matter with you? Tommy: I could've used some help, jerk. ---------- Rita is delighted looking at the beginnings of a feud between Tommy and Jason in her telescope. Rita: Ahh, are we having a little fit, boys? Hahahaha! ---------- Jason: I tell you one thing, you're so pathetic, you sure could've used my help. Tommy: You know, Jason, I'm fed up with you acting like everyone needs you! Jason: Yeah? Well, you're the jinx for the our ranger team. Look at the Artist Brothers resum‚ on you! You were Green Ranger, blowing up Zordon's brains. Tommy: I was under Rita's spell. Sometimes I wonder if YOU'RE the culprit behind these things just so you can pick a fight! Jason: How _DARE_ you accuse me of being on Rita's side?! Although if I had more power I could... Tommy: That's all you want, muscle lover. Power, more power! You've got an ego the size of Cleveland. I'm sicka taking orders from some chowder head! Jason: If you don't like it, then eat my shorts! Tommy: Get out of my way, punk! Jason: You better stay out of mine! SCENE IV: The next day in Angel Grave high school... Jason and Tommy begin shoving each other out of the way in the locker room. Jason: EXCUSE ME. Tommy (Long Pause; nasty look): You're excused. Trini (Ear to Ear smile): Hey, what's wrong? Kimberly: What about that karate match, huh, friends? Tommy: I quit! Trini: Whaddya mean, you quit? Tommy: Hello? Anyone in there? [Starts hitting his head with his fist in sarcasm]. Jason: He's a quitting loser. And that's what losers do. Tommy: Hey, ya know, would you just shut the hell up? Jason: Take your own advice, bone-butt. Trini: Why don't you guys shake hands and make up? Tommy: And why don't you keep your big mouth shut? Trini: What's your problem? Jason: You! Just stay outta this. Okay, wide-lips? Jason and Tommy give each other dirty looks as they walk away from Trini and Kimberly. Kimberly: Something's wrong. Trini: Like your hair-do? Kimberly: Oh yeah? You forget to mention how ugly that shirt looks on you. AB Writers: Aye! You're getting off the plot line. Trini: Sorry. Listen, guys, you can work it out! Tommy: Listen, I quit because Jason's a punk! I don't feel like losing my lunch every afternoon watching you show off your big fat muscles for the rest of my life. Jason: That is not FAT, funny pony-tail man. Those are muscles! Tommy: Fat is what it's going to become! Jason: Oh, so it's like that, huh? Tommy: Yeah, it's like that. [Mocking] Uh, ee-ya! Bulk and Skull walk in the scene. Bulk: Hey, it looks like they're having a fight! Let's go fan the flames! Skull: Yeah! Bulk: Hey, you guys, you could walk away, or settle this like MEN! Jason is seen standing there as if Bulk wasn't there. Jason: Huh? You say some'n? Bulk: Fight! FIGHT! Tommy and Jason start positioning for a fight when Appleweed walks in. Appleweed: What the HELL is going on here? Bulk: Duh, ah, um, I was just trying to break up a fight. It was really starting to turn ugly. Kimberly: No you weren't, meathead. Um, Tommy and Jason were about to, um, practice their karate, yeah yeah. Tommy: No I wasn't. I was gonna punch this jerk's lights out! Appleweed: Whatever. It's detention if I see this again. Trini: Appleweed sure has had an attitude towards the six of US lately. Kimberly: I think she's pregnant. Trini: Ugh! Kimberly: This is not good. Tommy and Jason are suddenly telling the truth! What will we do? Trini: I don't know if we can reinforce the lies they've been telling each other. Kimberly: I hope the truth doesn't come out about how I think your face looks like a pancake. Trini: Or how I think that you're just a show off showing off how your knockers look better than mine. Kimberly: Yeah. Billy (with his eyebrows going up and down): I think it's swell that both of you are trying to show off, ehehe! Billy's cracks his fingers and getting ready to go to work on the girls. SCENE V: In Ernie's Junk Food Bar (in which he isn't there in this entire episode), Bulk and Skull are profiting off of Jason and Tommy's newly realized feelings and their acting off of them by charging each High School classmate money for tickets to see them beat each other up. Bulk: Hey! Step right up! Ten bucks a ticket for the biggest fight in town! Step right up and give me your money! Fifteen bucks a ticket! Lowest price in town. Hey, how much money do we have, Skull? Skull: I lost count. Bulk: How much did we have before you lost count? Skull: I think $3,000,000. Bulk: You bonehead! You're worthless, you do realize that. Skull: Yeah, I'm worthless, ehehehe! Funny hair-do looking man: Hey, can I have 20 tickets? [He hands Bulk tons of money] Bulk: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Tommy and Jason are standing in a boxing ring sitting in two chairs at opposite sides of the ring. Tommy: Hey, hows about we beat up Bulk and Skull first? Jason: Good idea. Bulk: Hey, hey, hey! I'm your coach! Just fight amongst each other. I'll call 9-1-1 when it's over. Tommy: Okay. Tommy and Jason are pacing around in a fighting ring in a circle for about two minutes when they stop and look like they're going to fight each other, but all they do is rapidly rush back to their chairs and start filing their fingernails. Skull: Well? Aren't you going to do something? From out of the woodwork of chanting fight-seekers comes Kimberly and Zack. Zack: You don't wanna go throw with this! Remember what you tought your students, Jason? Fight at all times. Co-operation is the last thing to think about. When some punk gets up in your face, don't discuss anything and... wait a minute, that's not right. Skull: Beat it, bum. Bulk: Yeah! Buy a ticket, or hit the road, Zack. Zack: Ugh. Conveniently, Zordon beeps the rangers. Kimberly: Oh cool! Zordon's paging. Saved by the bell. Zack: Hey guys, time to go! Tommy: Do we have to? Jason: Anything's better than seeing your face, pretty-boy. The rangers slip through the crowd, who become highly disappointed to not see a fight. Bulk: Uhhh, they'll be back in a moment. Uh, hold on to those tickets. Um, there's no need for refunds. Customers: GET BULK! GET BULK! GET BULK!! Bulk: Oh no! Run for it, Skull! The crowd chases Bulk and Skull for their fraudulence. SCENE VI: The Rangers teleport to the Command Center and Jason and Tommy shove Alpha 5 aside. Alpha: Hey! No need to shove, my head will fall off. Jason: Don't make no difference, it's hollow anyway. Zack: What's with them? Zordon: Their anger is not real. Those fools touched this sticky boomerang made with Rita's poisoned mashed potato syrup which is making them tell the truth about what they really think of each other. Jason: I think I'm gonna bash in your face. Tommy: Try it and you'll be walking funny tomorrow. Billy: How are we going to get them lying again, Zordon? Zordon: Well anyway, the only way we can re-instate their self-control and stop them from telling so much truth (which can nauseate and annoy the hell out of a person, like me) is if Alpha injects them with the lying Serum. The Red Alarm goes off... Alpha: Aye yi, yi yi, yi! Zordon: Yes, it's... it's... it's... Sonic the Lobsthog. ALL: WHO? Zordon: Sonic the Lobsthog. Billy: Hey! When MegaJunkaZord destroys it, it will be plenty of meal for everyone. Zordon: No, Billy. When Rita's monsters kick the bucket after 30 minute life, they are restored to Rita's trashcan. Zack: I'd hate to have a trashcan full of decomposing monsters. Look at those claws and teeth? Billy: I'm glad I got over my fear of fish. Now it's flowers. Zordon: Not so loud, Rita's been to jail twenty-five times for eavesdropping on conversations and she could be right outside the command center with a tape recorder and my make the giant flower monster. Billy: Oh, right. Trini: Oh good grief. Whoever your therapist was ripped you off, Billy. Tommy: You couldn't take him. Jason: Why don't you just give it up? You're too slow. Tommy and Jason start making "F-You" signs and expressions at each other. Kimberly: What are they saying? Zack whispers it into Kimberly's ear. Kimberly: Ooh, Zack; stop talking dirty to me! Zordon: ENOUGH! If you make me too angry, I'll go on an overload and pass out of this dimension. If you two don't stop bickering, I shall have Alpha [Alpha's head is nodding] zap you in the Teleporter. Tommy and Jason: Oh no! It's MORPHIN Time! Tommy: BarneyZord Jason: Trashosaurus SCENE VII: Tommy has morphed as has Jason. They're both in the unknown part of the Angel Grave Park (which will soon switch to Japanese Footage) wearing too-tight-to-breathe imitation Pathetic Ranger suits. Tommy: Let's make this interesting. If I defeat Sonic the Lob whatever, I get to be leader of Pathetic Rangers, and get Trashosaurus too. Jason: If I win, you gimme BarneyZord, your coin, your dagger, your shield and your underpants. Tommy: Fine. Jason: Fine. Tommy: Fine! Jason and Tommy split up looking for the fast lobster where he keeps passing them both by. Tommy: Oh brother, some leader you are. Jason: I've had it with you. Tommy: Knock it off, big-shot! If I were leader, I'd lay T-bone steaks under a box held up by a stick. He comes to eat the meat--boom. He knocks the stick, the box falls on the monster, trapping him inside for the killing. Jason: That's why I'm leader. Any fool can see him in the sky. If I blast 'em with my BladeBlaster 'til he evaporates, we could have lobster for lunch. Tommy: Fine, you just stay out of my way or taste led. Jason: Let's see whose plan'll work first. Tommy: Fine! Again, they split in separate directions to execute their differing plans. SCENE VIII: Billy, Zack, Trini and Kimberly are sitting in front of the viewing globe watching "Bozo the Clown" reruns in the command center. Zordon: What do you think you're doing? Billy: Well, since we've been marked the unimportant characters of this farce, we figured, why stare and Jason and Tommy tear at each other's spandex until it runs? Trini: I like looking at their buns. Zack: What about mine when I'm morphed? Trini: Well since your spandex costume is overall black, it's kinda hard to see it, ya know. Billy and Kimberly are making-out right then and there. Zack: What do you think you're doing? Billy: Trini got me hot. I couldn't hold it in. I just couldn't help myself. Zack: Tommy would tear you limb from limb if he saw you making sloppy passion to Kim. Kimberly: That's why we're doing it, because Jason and Tommy are tearing at each others' hair and underpants right now. Alpha: At least save it for another time--there might be kids watching this! Billy: I'm bored. When do we get to get in the act? Alpha: Just be patient. SCENE IX: Jason sneezes in his helmet and Tommy starts laughing. Jason: Da hell are you laughing at? Tommy: How are you going to clean that up? Jason: Easy! Jason de-morphs and then wipes up his face. Jason: Trashosaurus Jason morphs into a brand new Red Rash Ranger suit. Jason: See? Tommy: Oh well, nevermind. We still gotta find Crab-Man. Jason: Call him by his real name, it's Sonic the Lobsthog. Tommy: I know what he is. Uh oh, look out! Sonic pops out of the ground, bashes both of them and then sinks right back into the ground. Jason: Geez, that guy is quick. Tommy: Unlike you. Kimberly runs up to the bickering two. Kimberly: Here, it's something that Ernie concocted. Just thought you'd like to try it. Tommy: Why thanks. Jason: Cheers. They drink down what they don't know is the Lying Serum. Both: Ah! Suddenly, the spell wears off and Tommy and Jason start acting nice to each other again. Kimberly: Bye. Kimberly teleports away. Tommy: Hey, buddy! Jason: Hey, friend! Tommy: I like you. Jason: You're just as good as I am in karate, ya know. Tommy: Aw, shucks. You're no egotistical power freak. Let's go take care of Sonic The Lobsthog. Jason: I'm with you, buddy! SCENE X: Rita is standing at the balcony in her palace. Rita: What's the matter what those two?!!? They look like they're about to elope! Goldar: I didn't count on that Lie Serum. Rita: You idiot! Now I'm going to rely on making this STUPID crab grow. Which I know won't do any good! You're going to pay for this, Goldar. Baboo: Run, Goldar! Run while you still can! Goldar: I can't, I'm contracted to stay on this stupid show. SCENE XI: Jason and Tommy put their right fists in Sonic's mouth and blood comes pouring out all over the place from out of his mouth. Sonic the Lobsthog: Aw man, all my loose teeth! You're going to get it now! SCENE XII: Zordon: Jason and Tommy are in trouble! Now's your chance! Morph for god sakes! Zack: All right. It's Morphin time! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat SCENE XIII: The Rangers flip out onto the battlefield and start fighting the Lobsthog (like the Muddies fight the Rangers) and Sonic the Lobsthog fights the Rangers like the Rangers fight the Muddies when the Lobsthog sinks underground again. Zack: Wait, you guys! I'm going to get a piece of the action now. My Axe/Blaster should boil this supper. Zack takes out his Axe and blasts into the ground when the Lobsthog pops out of the ground. Lobst-hog: Whoo! Gee, that smarts! Jason: Now let's form the MegaSpitter! Zack: Power Axe! Kimberly: Power Bow! Trini: Power Daggers! Billy: Power Lance! Jason: Power Sword! Their weapons formulate the Mega-Spitter who fires laser-spit. They use the MegaSpitter and shoot laser-spit at Sonic the Lobsthog but it just temporarily demobilizes him and he gets back on his feet. ---------- Rita: My jeez! I can't take much more of this, so I'm going to make my Monster Grow!! ---------- Lobsthog is grown to the height of a Sears tower. Jason: Okay, now we need DinoJunk Power, Right... Now! Zack: It amazes me how the Zords can just hear us buried under 20 feet of solid stone. Billy: And we can land directly on target... Trini: You guys ask too many questions. Zack: I bet the readers do too. Jason: Well, let's go! The Rangers land on top the Zords. Billy: Now what? Jason: We power up our lollipops. After of a long and daring fight, which you will never read about in THIS text file; they finally roast up some Lobster for dinner but it was beamed back to Rita's Palace for storage after they make seafood out of the monster. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Tommy turns into Mr. Forgetful and everybody pokes fun. Tommy: Forget it. What's worse than that is that I'm so beat out from not having breakfast that I'm late for Miss Appleweed's weed-whacking and assignments class. Kimberly: If you're late, why are you talking to me? Tommy: Oh my gosh! ...his teacher forces him to do a stupid assignment! Tommy: I have an assignment: it is to ask your best friend, or, well--nearly your best friend--what they think your weaknesses are that they should work on. Jason: You really wanna know? Tommy: No, but I'll flunk if I don't get an answer. ...but then Goldar is forced into taking six muddies and turning them into the Rangers' evil doubles -- -- again. Goldar: All right. Listen up, muddies. I am your coach. Since Rita's scene was cut short due to a disgust of the beat-up-on-Finster scenes by the Humane Society (for a reason that's beyond me), I will explain. See, you're going to impersonate the rangers again. 'Cept you won't be pulling a dumb prank and you'll only be in costume and be a little more powerful than you were before in a manner I can't possibly understand. Anyway, I'm coaching you goons so that I can tell who's gonna be who. Well, that about sums up our next story. Will the rangers finally be-head these clones? Will Billy faint from the idea of having two Kimberly's? Will we be unfortunate enough to read a parody about ANOTHER sea-monster? Will the writers ever stop using double-rangers when coming to a road-block in creativity? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!