Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Teenage Mutant Pathetic Rangers" Parody of, "Power Ranger Mutants" SCENE I: Tommy is seen dragging and crawling across the school hallway on his belly. Kimberly: Hey, Tommy. What's up? Tommy: I just got ran down by a mob of customers at Burger Queen. They all wanted the triple-cheese, quadruple-patty hamburger with extra fries, and chili-cheese dog special for just 99 cents! Kimberly: That was SO delicious! I mean, uh, I wish I could have tried it. Tommy: Back-stabber! Kimberly: Uh, it's not what you think. Actually, I... Tommy: Forget it. What's worse than that is that I'm so beat out from not having breakfast that I'm late for Miss Appleweed's weed-whacking and assignments class. Kimberly: If you're late, why are you talking to me? Tommy: Oh my gosh! Tommy dashes out of the scene for the class he's late for as Trini walks up to Kimberly carrying her books. Trini: What's up? Kimberly: Tommy can be such an idiot sometimes. I think he'd lose his head if it wasn't attached to his seat. SCENE II: Tommy teleports into Miss Appleweed's class, when Appleweed turns around thinking she's busted him. Appleweed: I know you snuck in an... Tommy, now you know you're not suppose to do that. Try this scene again. AB Writer: Take two! Tommy exits Appleweed's class then slowly opens the door and tippy-toes back inside pretending like he was trying to sneak in. Appleweed: Tommy, that's better. Now I can give you six months detention for tardiness. Tommy: You can't do that to me, it's not in the contract. Appleweed: Oh dern. I always wanted to do that to you. Tommy: Sorry I'm late. Appleweed: Now what? Free food at the pigly wigly? Tommy: No. Just get on with the class. Appleweed: Very well. Now we all remember that the art of clipping your weed is to slightly trim the edge. Anyway, enough of that exciting two hours of weed-whacking class. Time for your assignment, which is to ask your best friend what they feel your weaknesses are and try to work on them and improve yourself. Tommy: I wonder what that is? Appleweed: Class dismissed. Tommy walks out of class and has to return again to get his backpack and books. SCENE III: Tommy and Jason are practicing karate at the Youth Center, when Jason trips and flies into the air and falls on his bottom. Tommy: Pretty good, Jase'. Jason: Thanks. But you're too slow. Tommy: Now that's the pot calling the kettle black. Jason: I'm faster. Tommy: I see, said the blind man. Jason: I shall return... Tommy: ...said General McArthur. Jason: Was this your homework or something? Quoting clich‚s? Tommy: No. I just thought it was fun. Can I have a sip of your soda? Jason: Why? Tommy: I forgot mine. Jason: Uh, sure. Just a sip. Tommy: All right. Tommy gussels down the whole can down and throws it away. Jason: Urr. Tommy: I have an assignment: it is to ask your best friend, or, well--nearly your best friend--what they think your weaknesses are that they should work on. Jason: You really wanna know? Tommy: No, but I'll flunk if I don't get an answer. Jason: Well, you're too slow, you're ugly, your eyes are weird, your clothes are tacky, your love life sucks, you're not that strong of a ranger, you miss school, you... Tommy: I just wanted one. Jason: Oh. Well you tell bad jokes. Bye. Tommy: Hm. Bad jokes, eh? Hmmm. SCENE IV: Goldar is standing outside the park inbetween two groups of Muddies (who look like Military Soldiers) who are awaiting orders. Goldar: All right. Listen up, muddies. I am your coach. Since Rita's scene was cut short due to a disgust of the beat-up-on-Finster scenes by the Humane Society (for a reason that's beyond me), I will explain. See, you're going to impersonate the rangers again. 'Cept you won't be pulling a dumb prank and you'll only be in costume and be a little more powerful than you were before in a manner I can't possibly understand. Anyway, I'm coaching you goons so that I can tell who's gonna be who. Goldar lines up an array of muddies to tryout for the roles of each ranger. Half of them are stupid and keep tripping up. After the twenty second session is finished, Goldar comes to a decision. (Sorry, you'll have to wait 'til scene six to figure out who will be who if you really care). SCENE V: Kimberly and Trini are sitting around on a table at the Junk Food Bar sipping at sodas when Tommy walks up to them. Tommy: You really think I tell bad jokes? Trini: Well....?? Tommy: All right, here's one. Why did the barber give himself a haircut? Trini: Why? Tommy: 'Cause his head was coming to a cutting edge. Hehehe, hehe, uh hmm. Kimberly: Bad joke. Tommy: All right, I was just getting warmed up. Kimberly: Ho-boy. Tommy: Okay, why did the fireman wear suspenders? Trini: Why? Tommy: To keep his pants up! Trini: Bad joke again, Tommy. Tommy: Give me another chance. Knock, knock. Kimberly: I hate these. Who's there? Tommy: Jonah. Kimberly: Jonah who? Tommy (singing): Whale did swallow Jonah down! Hahahahaha... Trini: That joke stank dead elephants. You really do have a serious problem. Tommy: Wait a minute, according to the script, my problem isn't telling bad jokes, my problem is SUPPOSED to be that I forget too much. Kimberly: Wouldn't you say it's like two problems you need to fix? Tommy: Good point. SCENE VI: Goldar returns to Rita's palace with the eagerly awaited results in the tryout. Rita: Well? Goldar: It took a while because the muddies kept changing into Bob Barker. Anyway, I've selected them and figured I wouldn't waste line space on deciding who. Meet the "Teenage Mutant Pathetic Rangers." Five muddies dressed like Pathetic Rangers with grey gloves, belts and boots samurai into the scene while "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'" theme song starts. Singers (singing): Teenage Mutant Pathetic Rangers; Teenage Mutant Pathetic Rangers; Teenage Mutant Pathetic Rangers. Spandex-clad turtles; Muddie power! Rita: Huh? Goldar: Lose the music, would ya? AB Writers: How else are we going to distinguish who's who? Goldar: Because the dummies have black gloves and besides, Pink Ranger's chest is lop-sided on purpose. AB Writers: Oh. Right. Goldar: Anyway, I gave 'em these cement power coins. Rita: Are they going to do any good? Goldar: No, it just enhances their suits. Rita: Ugh! Goldar: Go down and make Rita proud! SCENE VII: Tommy is constantly telling bad jokes to Kimberly, who's covering her ears as they're walking in the Park of Angel Grave. Tommy: ...because his plants blew up! Hahahaha! This is funny stuff! Kimberly: No more! Stop! I've heard enough bad jokes for one day. Time to switch problems. You forgot your pants, Tommy. Tommy: Aw no! Kimberly: AND you forgot to put on your shoes. Tommy: Huh? Kimberly: You forgot to comb your hair. Tommy: Now wait a minute... Kimberly: And you forgot to buy a new ranger suit from Zordon. Only $29.99, kids! Tommy: This is ridiculous! I'm not suppose to forget EVERYTHING! Kimberly: You're forgetting there's a Green and Pink Ranger behind us. Tommy: Oh, that's nice. Kimberly: C'mon. BOTH: GREEN AND PINK RANGER? Muddie Green Ranger roundhouses Tommy and he ducks. Tommy blocks "Green Ranger's" punch and upper-cuts him. Tommy kicks "Green Ranger" and misses, and "Green Ranger" upper-cuts Tommy. Tommy: Hey, your spandex is ripping. Muddie/"Green Ranger": Oh my gosh! Tommy: Hahaha! Sucker! Tommy flips over "Green Ranger" and "Green Ranger" looks for him just as Tommy back kicks him and gets him lying on the ground. Meanwhile, Kimberly is constantly punching her muddie fake. Kimberly: Hey Pink Dink fake, you're lop sided. Muddie/"Pink Ranger": Oh, gee, thanks. The fake starts trying to situate her bosoms when Kimberly slams her leg up her chest. Kimberly: HEE YA! Muddie/"Pink Ranger": Enough fun. It's kind of like fighting in the mirror, huh? Kimberly: No, you're slow as a snail. Muddie/"Pink Ranger": HEE YA! The fake Pink Ranger upper-cuts Kimberly and roundhouses her. Muddie/"Pink Ranger": Now you'll change your mind! Tommy: BarneyZord Kimberly: Pterodorky The morphed Kimberly and Tommy are paged by Zordon. Zordon: You're not suppose to morph right now! Tommy: We know, it's just fun wasting your ranger suits. Zordon: That's going to cost you five dollars for using the restrooms here. Tommy: Alright. Let's un morph. Muddie/"Green Ranger": We will meet again! Remember that! Tommy and Kimberly de-morph. Kimberly: This is too weird. Why were we fighting ourselves? Tommy: Because ourselves is not ourselves. Kimberly: That doesn't make any sense. Tommy: Neither do my jokes, but that's not so bad. Kimberly: Not really. Well we better contact some rangers. Tommy: Who? Kimberly: You know, the ones that make us look cute and colorful. Tommy: I hope it's not Billy. Kimberly: Especially Billy. Tommy: Ugh. SCENE VIII: All six rangers are in the locker hall of the school. Billy: Doubles? Oooh, two Kimberly's. Yum! Kimberly: It's a muddie. Billy: EWW! Zack: You're sick, Billy. Jason: Enough, that isn't important. Tommy: Well, we have to stop 'em. The get paged by Zordon. Jason: Zordon, what's wrong? Zordon: Do I always have to deliver bad news? Jason: Yeah. Zordon: Very well. Rita's made a batch of Muddies who are impersonating you. Jason: Sort of like "A Stupid Reflection On You," right? Zordon: Yeah, just saving money by using the same plotline. Jason: Why? We have a budget of $90,000,000, Zordon. Zordon: Um, yeah. Sure. Kimberly: Most of that money is probably feeding into Clinton's dumb lop-sided haircuts. Zordon: Actually mine. ALL: HUH? Alpha: You don't need a haircut. You're bald. You get $50,000 waxes. Zordon: Ugh! I didn't want the rangers to actually know why they get paid $10 a week. Jason: This sucks. Well, what do we do? Zordon: I have no idea. Alpha: Go out there and fight! Jason: It's morphin time! Billy: Hold it, gomer! I haven't given Tommy this remote control. It displays the show "Taxi" with Danny DeVito dub-overs of what Tommy's suppose to do. Tommy lifts up Billy's pocket TV with Danny DeVito in the screen. Danny DeVito (dubbed over): Make your bed. Do your homework. Go ta school. Tommy: How did you build this? Billy: I dunno. Jason: NOW it's morphin time! Tommy: BarneyZord Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus The rangers show up and start attacking the fakes. Jason: These punks are mine! Let's form the Mega-Spitter! Zack: Power Axe! Kimberly: Power Bow! Trini: Power Daggers! Billy: Power Lance! Jason: Power Sword! Their weapons formulate the Power Spitter, which fires laser-spit. All: Fire! They fire at the fakes, but it barely impacts them. Zack: What do we do now? Jason: Don't you have a mind? Zack: I know I do, I'm not sure which mind is running Billy and Kim, though. Billy (sarcastically): Ha ha. Jason: We better retreat! The rangers teleport away for the command center. LeoGreeno: I guess we showed them, huh? MichaelBlackGelo: I'm not sure. DonaYellow: Hmmm, why do we have demented "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle" names? Cheddar Cheese: Well, I have no idea. RaPinkel: I'm still lop-sided. Cheddar: That's what Goldar told you to look like. LeoGreeno: I guess we're suppose to switch to Zordon's obnoxious informal scenes, huh? Cheddar: I suppose. I guess this whole scene is here just to identify us to our readers, huh? DonaYellow: I'm sure. Cheddar: Well, you readers can call me the Big Cheese. SCENE IX: In the command center... The morphed rangers are talking to Zordon. Jason: Those canceled reptiles in spandex clothing blew me up! I want satisfaction! Zordon: Well, I'm not so sure you're going to get it. Jason: And what's that s'pposed to mean? Zordon: It means I have no idea of how you can ego-trip once again. Alpha: Aye yi yi, the worth he'd be if I wasn't here. Anyway, here's your ticket out of here. Jason: You're kicking me out of the ranger gig? Tommy: Yes! God, my prayers are being answered. Jason: Shut up, Tommy. Alpha: No, syrup-brain. They have some really powerful stuff. But I also have really powerful stuff. Zordon: Stuff? Alpha: Dah I mean, weapons. The weapons they ALWAYS have had appear in their hands. Kimberly: They look like our old ones. Alpha: That's because they are, silly. Sheesh. Kimberly: What's this suppose to prove? Alpha: Beats the hell outta me. I guess that I can duplicate something twice as powerful. Jason: Anything else? Alpha: Nope. Jason: All right then. We're outta here! SCENE X: MichealBlackgelo: Back for more? Jason: Yeah, and you've got syrup for brains! Billy: That's real brilliant, Jason. Tick off five dudes with cement gloves. Jason: I can take 'em! Billy: I wouldn't be so tough. For all we know they could bring out THEIR Mega-Spitter Jason: So? Billy: And a lot more spit! Jason: Oh my gosh! Billy: Yeah, so be quiet, okay? Jason: All right. You've had it, concrete-brains. Billy: Ugh! DonaYellow: C'mon! We're ready to rock and roll. Suddenly, T.M.N.T. music starts going again. Zack: Dah heck is that? Cheddar: We do this T.N.M.T thing throughout the entire show. Jason: I say we get Pathetic Ranger music. Cheddar: Talkin' bout the accordion? Jason: No! I'm talking about RED HOT SILLY PUTTY! ROCK! Band: Blood, Redrum! Death, pain, sorrow! Lust, sex! Destruction, rock 'n roll! Yeah, cool! Zack: A wee bit too grungy. How about Def Leppard? Jason: I ran outta those. Zack: No! The rock band. Jason: Oh. Right. RaPinkel: Like could we get back to the fight? DonaYellow: I think they're chicken doody and that's why they're stalling! Jason: That's it! Forget the music, YOU'RE MINE! AIYA! UGH! Jason goes at his double and gets blown and knocked back in pain. Billy (sarcastically): Great work exercising those brain muscles. Gees. ---------- Rita: MAKE MY MUTANTS GROW! ---------- Jason: They're huge! What do we do? Trini: As if you didn't know? Jason: Oh sorry, I forgot the script. Trini: You mean, the stock footage that came before you saying "We Need DinoJunk Power" wasn't edited out. Jason: You're ruining the dub-over! Uh oh, five seconds left! We Need DinoJunk Power Now! MegaJunkaZord and the over grown fakes begin doing the Hokey Pokey, the Hully-Gully, the Twist, The Jerk, The Limbo and the Mashed Potatoes. DonaYellow: That was fun! Cheddar: Enough stepping. Time for bloodshed! Hahahahahaa! Billy: He's too powerful. I think. Jason: He ain't powerful. I could slice those reptile rodents into two with the Plastic Sword. Cheddar: We look bad, aye? How about if I stand on top of the Teenage Mutant Pathetic Rangers with two bags of heavy imported cheese and flour on my shoulders that's made of radioactive waste material? Jason: Then our chances of destroying you would be oh, 1 in 50,000,000. Billy: Jason, Oh no! Cheddar: Hahaha, good! Thank you. Gimme the bags! Jason: Oh no! What do we do now? Tommy is found someplace (as usual) on a high mountain top. Tommy: I have half a mind not to shove you out of the way and steer this thing myself. Jason: You can't do that! You're on some unknown mountain awaiting to sound the flute. Kimberly: Speaking of which, aren't you suppose to blow into that thing right about now? Tommy: Yeah, but I forgot. Kimberly: Ugh! Fix yourself! And do it soon. Tommy: Okay. I also forgot, I just got a lung transplant. Zack: Huh? Tommy: I think Ed MacMahon over here's gonna have to blow into it. Ed MacMahon steps from out of no where in a flashy black tuxedo. Ed: Haw haw haw haw haw haw haw haw! Tommy: This aughta stop that bad cough! Tommy whacks him over the back. Ed: Urr, I'm not very good at blowing when you're 99 years old. Ed blows into the BarneyFlute very poorly. Tommy: That's good enough. Now get out! Ed: But don't I get to tell a joke? Tommy: No. Ed: You tell bad jokes, too. You're racist! You're chauvinistic! You're a slimy communist pig! Tommy: I think you mean prejudiced? Ed: Oh, yeah. You're pregnant! Tommy: Huh? Just go away before you take up too much parody line space. DonaYellow: Can we get back to the fight? ALL: YEAH, FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Tommy; Relax, everything's taken cared of! We need BarneyZord power, now! They start doing some odd Dixie dances again until the MegaJunkaZord gets a great big pow! Jason: I Call on the power of... of... what was his name again? Trini: Titanic? Jason: Oh yeah, Titanic and the UltraJunkaZord! They meld together and destroy the fake rangers. SCENE XI: The rangers are laughing at each other and kicking each other in behinds while walking down the school locker room, looking stupid because of forgetfulness. Jason: Hahaha, Billy forgot his overalls and now he's wearing a t-shirt and underpants, hahahaha! Billy: Well, Tommy forgot his homework. Kimberly: Trini forgot her make-up and that's why she looks like an old crow! Hahahaha! Trini: Oh yeah? Well, Kimberly forgot to put on a bra, and now your breasts are going to sag 'cause they're dragging on the floor. Kimberly: HEY! That's low! Zack: Jason forgot his hair products and that's why Jason has kinks and split-ends like the way he wakes up. Jason: That's it! I saw you! You forgot to take a shower and now you're stinking up the whole school! Tommy: Aw man, I forgot my homework. Jason: Oh gee, someone stole your bicycle. Zack: Musta forgot to chain it. Tommy: Oh no! I forgot to get this bacon stain off my shirt! Trini: You also forgot to do your hair. Tommy: Oh no! I'm a mess, Aaaaaaagh!! Tommy goes screaming out the school. Jason: Hahaha, what a pigeon, he didn't even know we were lying on him, hahaha! Billy: Well we all have differences that utterly repulse us. Jason: Yeah, like seeing your underwear swell near Kimberly. Billy: HEY! They go back to beating up on each other. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... ...Zack has gotten this unusual notion that he can try his luck with Sandwicha again by taking her out to dinner, buying out her love with earrings and brainwashing her with a singing telegram. Zack: Okay, so I'll give her the pearls if she says yes--then give her a singing telegram! Tommy: Woah, woah, woah! Slow down. Where'd the singing telegram come from? Zack: Beats me. But chics love that. Tommy: Hm. Zack: Hey, if it's possible that anyone is willing to date me, do you guys wanna double date? Kimberly: Sure, I'll go ask Bill... I mean, sure, Tommy and I would love to go. Tommy: I have a funny feeling you're keeping secrets from me. ...but because Rita's love life is shot to hell (and that major chest-gear), she wants to make things a little stingy for Black Ranger. Rita: Hahahaha, he wants romance? Well he ain't getting any tonight! Goldar: Everytime Zack gets a date, you always have to mess it up. Rita: Why should the rangers be happy when I've been cursed with this voice? Goldar: Good point, I wish I had those X-men voices. Rita: Shut up! I have a plan. Finster: You do? Rita: Yes, I'm going to unleash my Moisterizer. Finster: All he does is run away from seafood owners. Rita: So? There aren't any seafood owners in the unknown uncharted realm of land that he battles with MegaJunkaZord in. Finster: Good point, but all he's doing is sleeping. Rita: That's because he's in this crystal. Once the pearl blooms out, he'll be free. Will Zack's suit be turned into a pile of hot tar at his feet leaving Zack in his boxers because of the Moisterizor? Will Trini, Billy and Jason quit and get some real jobs because they were given such an unimportant part in this episode which happened to be the first season finale? Have I finally ran out of dumb things to say for the plot give-a-way'er? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!