Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "The Stupidity, Part I" Parody of, "The Mutiny, Part I" SCENE I: Mr. Capbutt is running a charity drag racing competition, and everyone (who happen to be only Bulk and Skull and the Pathetic Rangers) is getting psyched up by fixing up on their cars. Everyone but Billy's blue tanker is an expensive pre-paid car. Jason: Gee, Zordon was awful nice to give us his good ol' mustang ford to race in this race. Billy: What about me? I'm stuck with this beat-up ol' clanker Alpha made me. Jason: That's your fault for not asking. Billy: He told me to get a cookie and then get some rest. Here. Here's the dumb fruitcake he called a cookie. Billy holds up this giant rock-hard cookie. Tommy: This doesn't make any sense. Kimberly: Neither does adding you to the cast, but we did it anyway. Bulk is standing behind a cheap, beat-up car. Bulk: WE are gonna win the race! Trini: That would be possible if you were eight pounds small enough to fit inside your car. Billy: I believe this is Bulk's car, it's a grey tanker. Let's see the dexterity of this thing. Billy peels a banana and throws the peeling on Bulk's car, and the hood comes up smoking. Billy: Yeah right. You suck. Tell your idiot motor company that you're too stupid to drive because we don't want any accidents on the road, ya know. Bulk: I've had it with you, four-eyes! Billy: I'm not four-eyes today. I'm not wearing any glasses. Bulk: Why? Jason: The AB Writers got a sick stomach from all these "Billy loves Kimberly" shows. So we decided without Billy's glasses in this three parter, he'd attract a biker or something. Billy: Huh? I never agreed to that. You said at least I'd get hooked up with Heather Locklear. Jason: Uhh, nevermind. This scene has been going long enough. C'mon, Capbutt. Start the race already. Capbutt: Right. Race! Capbutt fires his gun and the rangers begin their race. SCENE II: Into Rita's palace... All her goons, Goldar, Squatt, Baboo, Scorpina are all together at the balcony. Rita: Hahahaha! I have the Pathetic Rangers right where I want 'em. I just wish I knew where that was. Finster: You are pathetic, Rita. All we're going to do is the same thing we do--EVERYDAY! Goldar: The beginning of this scene is stupid. Why don't we just fast-forward? Rita: If we do that, we won't know what my plan is! Baboo: You don't have a plan. You're just gonna say "The Pathetic Rangers are right where I want 'em," wherever that is. Squatt: It seems to me that if we don't have a major disturbance occur in this episode, we're going to stay in an endless loop of Rita sending down cheesy, puppy-faced monsters that get beat up until they end up looking like soggy shredded wheat. Rita: Alright, Breaddy, it's your que. Lord Bread is sitting in HIS hotel room with a cobra wrapped around his neck examining it and leisuring in a recliner. Lord Bread: Shut up, Rita. I'm right now examining the mating routine of the cobra. Odd. Rita: According to this script, on page fifteen, you're suppose to cause a giant earthquake and lightning to overthrow me. Now, you're not getting any pay until then! Lord Bread: All right, all right. (I'm getting a new agent). Rita: But Bread, Bob Manahan is your agent. Bread: That's what sucks. Suddenly, this ridiculous earthquake takes place in Rita's palace. Rita trips and falls to the floor and Goldar slams into a wall and all the other mutants are shaken up. Goldar: This can mean only one thing! Squatt: A tsunami? Baboo: A solar system turbulance? Rita: What's going on? Goldar: Either Aretha Franklin is jogging, or this was a lunar quake. Finster: Don't I get a line? ALL: NO! Finster: Oh dear. This stinks. Goldar: You should be lucky you don't have to suck-up to this goat-haired mass screaming and bitching. Rita: What did you say? Goldar: I said you're a bitch! And because I'm walking out on you, I can call you whatever I want, birdlegs. Rita: Shut up, slave! What's going on?? Goldar: You're gonna love this; Lord Bread is going to fix you. He's going to shrink you to the size of a cheese puff and you're going to be licking his butt out for mercy! Rita: What? What kind of plot is this? Goldar: A plot written by a "Full House" writer, but they thought it was too stupid and graphic for the kids to watch, and since this show is called "Pathetic Rangers," this was just the ticket, BITCH! Rita: Stop calling me that, ya big baboon! Goldar: I'm sick of taking orders from you. I'm going to go see my new emperor and find out what he wants! Rita: Boy, Lord Bread is going to get in my way! Squatt: He's not only gonna get in your way, he's gonna make you beg and squid like I do. Rita: I have such a headache. Goldar: Tough, touts. I'm gonna check out Lord Bread. Rita: Mee too! SCENE III: We go to Lord Bread, whose palace smells like a bakery because Finster was all too eager to be his new Monster-creating assistant, and wound up being confined to a rat-infested kitchen to do slave labor, baking bread and muffins. Finster: This sucks, first they give me no lines, and now I'm baking bread. We pan to Lord Bread--a huge mass of red flesh with some odd face mask. He has no face, and the top of his head is a big, fleshy brain. Around his body is a bunch of metal clothes to prevent censorship. Lord Bread: Ah, hahahaha! Now, it is time for me to make my 20 minute long introduction to this, um; ah-show! Goldar: Uh, Lord Bread, so nice to see you. Lord Bread: Who the heck are you? Goldar: I'm Goldar Gold. Lord Bread: Gold? Goldar: Fit the title, huh? Lord Bread: Yeah, but I don't. I don't even remotely resemble a breadstick. Goldar: You do in the fact you have bread loaves for feet. Lord Bread: That's true. This is stupid. Where's the hooker in pantyhoes? Goldar: Are you talking about RITA?! Lord Bread: Yeah. Do you know her? Goldar (sarcastically): No. I don't. Lord Bread: You don't? Goldar: Man, your brains ARE the equivalent to a loaf of bread! Lord Bread: Don't make me angry, or else I'll make you eat your sword! Goldar: Okay, okay. What do you want? Lord Bread: A nice beverage would do. But I want your sniveling little old master. Goldar: What are you gonna do after you take care of Rita? Lord Bread: Nothing. I just sit in this chair and rot for the duration of this season. For that matter, if the A.B. Writers get drunk, the entire series. Goldar: Are you gonna replace her? Lord Bread: That's no business of yours. Goldar: But you're gonna tell me anyway because I'm going to watch Rita kiss-up and beg for mercy from you. Lord Bread: I never thought of that. Goldar: Do I have to do everything myself?!?! Lord Bread: Walking wise, since my back, butt, arms and head are hooked onto this intergalactic throne. Plus, my feet are make of skates and bread. Rita waltzes into Bread's palace with a cheery face on. Rita: Hi there. My name is... Lord Bread: I know who you are. You're the most incompetent piece of waste matter I have ever seen, and you have a very bad hairdo. Rita: What? I'm really Pamela Anderson with a dub-over. So cool it with the hair. Lord Bread: Whatever. So, ol' man Zordon's still around, huh? How come you haven't fooled with the switches on Zordon's brains yet?? He's got a dirt-shovel, bucket-head for a bodyguard, and he himself, is just an ugly, butt-faced dweeb swarming in grease and cholesterol making disgusting GUPPY FACES! I am very disappointed in you! Goldar: Hey, forget that maggot. What about the Pathetic Rangers? Lord Bread: What about them? Goldar: We're trying to destroy them. Not make Rita beg. Lord Bread: You make my job so boring. Oh well. Here are MY super muddies. The new and improved breed! Lord Bread claps his hands and his closet filled with on-the-job-when-needed muddies--de-activated--are sitting in the closet waiting to do Lord Bread's bidding. Goldar: What's so different about them? Lord Bread: Hello, Goldar? Moon to Goldar? Other than the fact that they are "RoboCop" auditioning rejects, check out their chests. Goldar: All of them--except one--has an ``X'' on them. But one has an autographed picture of O.J. Simpson in that little circle on their chest. Why is that? Lord Bread: He musta been an accident. Oh well. The "X" is for the energy packs that fuel their pelvis. Unless they're kicked in the crotch, everything'll be okay. Goldar: Then we better hope they don't have a soft crotch. Lord Bread: Of course they do! The Pathetic Rangers just probably don't know where to kick 'em. We'll get rid of all the lamers. Including YOU, Rita! I'm stripping you of your magic toothpick wand. Your magic book of spells, and good lord, I'm stripping you of that BOGUS chest-gear of yours. Take her away, Muddies! The pre-programmed, pre-brainwashed Muddies grab Rita's limbs and drag her away to the 10 ounce toilet for which she escaped from. Rita: You can't do this to me! Lord Bread: Oh quit squirming, we've got Baboo and Squatt for that! Rita: Let me go!! Goldar: Hahahahaha, rot in hell, Rita. Rita: Zip it, ya fourteen karat chimp. Goldar: Take her away! Rita: What is this anyway? Goldar: Hahahaha, the only reason I beared and grinned your yelling, your whining and your pouting, is because this was my plan all along! Lord Bread: Hahahahaha, here's the toilet, dump her in. Goldar: It's been a blast! Lord Bread whips out his "X" stick, dissolves Rita's powers, and shrinks her down to a small mouse and has the Muddies pick her up and put her in that toilet she was rescued from 38 parodies ago and flushes her away. Rita: One day, I am going to melt you down and turn you into money so I can buy a useful warrior, Goldar. If I EVER get outta 'dis THING! Now let me go! I'll sue! Lord Bread: I'll let you go all right. -- To the the next universe, hahahaha! Take out the trash, I don't like a messy home! Rita: You haven't smelled the last of Rita Repulsive's breath! Rita is finally jettisened into orbit and out of the parody. Goldar: Sure I have, I've got a nose clip. Anyway, where were we? Lord Bread: I forgot. Goldar: Scene switch, please. Lord Bread's ridiculous amounts of stupidity is going to make the writers throw-up all over the script. SCENE IV: The rangers are on the tracks racing like they never have, having fun. Jason: This race is kicking! Zack: Yeah, we've got a life! Billy: All right! Jason is paged by Zordon and Alpha. Jason answers. Jason: Not now, fishbrain! Alpha: Come to the command center. It is your destiny! Jason: NO! Trini: Yeah. For once, we're going to go out and get ourselves a life this season! Alpha: Fat chance! Red Ranger, get your big butt in here right now. It's urgent that you talk to Zordon. Jason: All right, all right. C'mon. Zordon wants to play with us. Billy: This better be good. They teleport to the command center. Jason: Zordon, what's wrong? Zordon: Lord Bread is. Billy: [Chuckles] What is a Lord Bread? Zordon: Not what, who. Billy: Who is a Lord Bread?? That doesn't make any sense. Zordon: I'll explain. Lord Bread is generally last week's steak dinner confined to locks and chains. Also, Bread is Rita's emperor, who locked up Rita 10,000 years ago because Rita has failed at her mission given to her by Lord Bread to destroy me and you six nitwits. She's been sent to Pluto for good this time. He's really something. With his half-baked bread and dolt monsters, he can do some really big stuff to you, and he has a very special muddie team, one with an autographed photo of O.J. Simpson. Billy: Why is he called Lord Bread when he looks like yesterdays pork and leg of lamb snack? Zordon: You see, I'm going to get into that one a couple of lines later. Jason: What!? Tommy: This is bogus. Kimberly: Give me a break. Trini: I'm going back to the race. Zordon: No you are not, chapped lips. You are--again--going to save me from total destruction and bring Lord Bread to his feet. Jason: Don't you mean knees? Zordon: He never stands up. Of course, me and Lord Bread did once sing doo-whop songs in the 9000s, B.C. Boy was that fun. But anyhow, if he does stand up, with all those metal chains, it'll pull his pants off. And since he doesn't wear any, his flesh-holding exterior will be stripped right off his once a genitalia area. See, years ago, somebody gave him a .38 caliber vassactomy and well? That's where his attitude came from. So, he accidentally exposed himself to some uranium during a state of overwhelming depression and carelessness, and that is how he got his powers. Jason: Well even if he could move, how do you propose we get rid of him? Zordon: I dunno, but there is something that I do know. His super-muddies are playing drum-sticks on your race cars where your loser friends are. Billy: And we actually have to fight in this episode. Darn! SCENE V: Bulk and Skull's cars are blowing smoke as the race cars shake up and down like scrap metal when the cars run off the road and off a cliff and into an abandoned lake. Bulk: How's THAT for a scene entrance? Skull: Oh gee, look at that, our race cars float in water. Isn't that cool? Bulk: Be quiet, drumhead. How are we suppose to race with this? Skull: I don't think it's broken, yet. Bulk: Skull! Our four-wheelers are drowning in a lake! How do you figure they're not dead? Skull: I think, therefore I am Skull. Bulk: Shut up and gimme the map. Maybe we can foot it. Skull: Foot it?? Bulk: Would you rather look like a whimp? Skull: We will, winning the race by boot. Suddenly, Lord Bread's new muddies (who have huge circles on their chests with X's on them) appear and group up around Bulk and Skull just to antagonize them. Bulk: Aaaaaaagh! Aaaah! Skull: Yaaah! Bulk: What are those monsters? The muddies get ready to make contact with Bulk and Skull. Bulk: Stop the shoot, stop the film! (Suddenly, the camera stars making jerky movements like a camcorder, making the picture frame look out of sorts) Bulk and Skull (Paul Schrier and Jason Narvy) step off the set and speak to the camera and directing crew. A.B. Director: What, what? We're losing light here! Paul Schrier: I am not going to say this whimpy line! AB Director: What line? Paul: No way, I am NOT going to say it! AB Director: We may lose Jason Narvy for ya. Paul: Oh...... Oh, okay! All right. But do ya have to put the word LOVE in there? AB Director: Oh, oh all right. Gimme the script. AB Director scribbles a new line into the page and hands it back to Paul. Paul: "Our heroes." Better. AB Director: But we're KEEPING Narvy! Okay, places everyone. Places. Okay, "Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers," scene five, and action! SCENE V: Bulk and Skull's cars are blowing smoke as the race cars shake up and down like scrap metal when the cars run off the road and off a cliff and into an abandoned lake. Bulk: How's THAT for a scene entrance? ...... SCENE VI: At the command center... Billy is photocopying his butt; Tommy is printing "kill me now" in the printer over and over again; Kimberly is playing with her bubble gum; Trini is spilt all over the ground; Jason is hugging his muscles; and Zack is sitting on the floor barely able to keep his eyes open. Zordon has been explaining things for hundreds of minutes. Zordon: ...and so you see, that is what Lord Bread's giant schemes and mentality is all about. Kimberly: If this was going to be so complicated, why hadn't we just simply did this to begin with instead of having Rita as the bad guy first? Zack: Yeah. We're like, starting all over again! Alpha: Simple: before this show became a hit, Shuki Levy and Haim Saban were under a shoe-string tight budget. So therefore, we decided to re-use a highly repetitive, yet, stimulating-to-simpleton-minds plot. Zordon: But now that the effect of the over-stimulant has worn off on the viewers' minds, and they're getting sick and tired of "Make my Monster grow," and "We need DinoJunk Power," we now have to introduce an even more gruesome plot--which in reality is just a modified version of the original plot. Zack: So what are our chances for surviving THIS wave of battle as of THIS episode?? Zordon: None. But you see; right before your graves are about to be dug, some jerk up in the props Department will whip up some stupid lookin' thing to somehow defeat the plans of the ever enlocking -- Lord Bread. Jason: You know, I am becoming more and more sick of his name by the minute. The Alarm goes off. Alpha: Ay yi yi yi..... Billy clonks Alpha on his head--again. Alpha: .....yi ouch! Don't do that, Billy. Jason: Somebody had to slap some sense into you. Trini (whiney voice): Look! Zack: Someone steal your makeup kit? Oops, I forgot. What would anyone need with paint when the neighborhood has already painted their homes? Trini: Shove it. Zack: Eat it! Zordon: Stop bickering. Look, the big ``X'' muddies I was talking about are going after Bulk and Skull. The rangers turn around to look at the viewing globe. Jason: What would they need with them? Bulk is the equivalent to Thanksgiving dinner, but Muddies don't eat. Zordon: Who cares? Just go out there and fight, you dummies. Oh yeah, Tommy, you go take a nap. Tommy: Why? Zordon: I just feel like it. Tommy: I don't. Zordon: But your powers are limi... Tommy: You make me sick. What is the point in me conserving my power? What am I conserving them for? Zordon: Well... hm. Tommy: There IS no reason! You don't know, do you? Forget this. I'm going in anyway. Zordon: You'll be sorry. Tommy: Eh, shut up. Jason: Are you done goofing off? I thought so. IT'S MORPHIN TIME! Tommy: BarneyZord Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus ALL: Pathetic Rangers! SCENE VII: The rangers teleport to the park where Bulk and Skull are being menaced by the new muddies. Kimberly backflips over a muddie and back-kicks him and he falls to the ground. Kimberly grabs the muddie's leg and drags the muddie around and around until she lets go and the muddie falls in a nearby lake. Billy does several unnecessary backflips and stops and low-kicks a muddie's legs. Billy punches a muddie and upper cuts him into a bush. Jason ducks a muddie's roundhouse and he swings a punch at the muddie. Jason backflips over a muddie and while he's not looking grabs his arm and twists it around the muddie's back until the muddie hollers in pain. Jason: I think this is working! Trini: No, stupid! Look out behind you! Jason: Huh? Ahh! A muddie leaps into the air with his fist out forward and he smacks Jason very roughly into the lake. Jason: Where'd that lake come from? Bulk: Wow! The Pathetic Rangers! Our... Wait a minute. [Stepping out of character] Hold it, stop the cameras. (The film starts jerking again as the production crew comes into focus.) Jason/Austin St. John pulls off his helmet and Kimberly/Amy Jo Johnson does too. Amy Jo: All right, christmas ham; what's the problem now? Paul Schrier: I can't say this. Stewart St. John (Writer): Listen, Paul, I thought we already settled this. Paul: Nah nah, I can't take this. I am NOT going to say `our heroes' to these six goons. Walter Jones/"Zack": Hey! Stewart: Listen, if one of you twits don't say this, my son Austin is gonna fire me. Now take if from the top, we'll do lunch later. Paul: All right. But I think that Jason [Narvy] should say it. Jason Narvy: Uh uh. Just because I play a stupid type person doesn't mean... Stewart: If you don't say it, I'll fire you and you'll be back to rummaging through trashcans for spare ribs like I found you. All right? All right. Now shut up and do the scene right. You're ruining the thrills and chills. Trini is seen standing on her head in mid-cartwheel. Trini: Can we proceed? I've been in this cartwheel position for three minutes now. Stewart: Sure. Places, places, everyone. From the top. "The Stupidity, Part 1," scene 7, take 2. Suddenly, we cut right into the music score where it left off and the rangers are hopping around again taking out the muddies. After a five minute fight, the rangers are thoroughly tired out. As a last resort, Jason aimlessly kicks one of the muddies in the crotch. Suddenly, the muddie's crotch swells with this ghost-white beam until the entire muddie cracks up and disappears and is destroyed. Jason: Hey! This is workin'! If you kick one of these dudes in the crotch, they're through! Is anyone listening to me? Bulk and Skull are behind a bush looking at the fight. Skull: Our hero! Jason: Hey, rangers! Quit horsin' around! I think I know the way! Tommy: What? I'm getting weak! Zack: I knew you should've listened to Zordon. Tommy: Wait a minute! That's not right. I demanded a re-write! Oh well. Jason: If you kick one of these dudes in the pelvis, they're history! Billy: Right. This is stupid. Why do they have ``X'' spots? Jason (making up as he goes along): I think once you destroy them, you dig with a shovel in their "X" spot to win a prize and... (tsk)... I DON'T KNOW, just do it! Billy: Okay, okay! You don't have to be pushy! After learning the muddies' little secret crotch, they find out how to finish them off--and they do. Afterwards, they turn towards Bulk and Skull, hiding in the bush. Jason: Hey you. Bulk: Me? Jason: Yeah, you with the pot-belly. Are you okay? Bulk: Sure. Jason: Great, because we've got things to do. See ya. The rangers stand side by side and teleport away to the command center--witnessed by Bulk and Skull, who awe in amazement. Bulk: Hey, ya know what? I recognize that voice. Are you pondering what I'm pondering? Skull: I think. But why would Oprah Winfrey and George Burns dress in helmets? Bulk: No, you goon. I heard their voices. Skull: Voices? Only one of them spoke to us. Bulk: Shut up! I can hear it again. I think I'm gonna find out just who those clowns are anyway! AB Writers: This is dumb. Do we have to do this? Bulk: Well since the only people reading are the temporarily brain-dead, why not? Skull: Maybe this is the "thank you" for getting the AB Writers that box of chocolates. AB Writers: I thought this was a punishment. Oh well. SCENE VIII: The rangers are standing around in the command center with their helmets off. Alpha: Why aren't you wearing your helmets? Jason: Zordon forgot to puncture the holes in these. I can't breathe! Billy: I think it's a new gimmick. Man, this suit gives me jock itch. Zack: I'm only doing it because I was told that some big secret was gonna come out. I don't get it. Didn't everyone already know whose face was under these suffocation domes? Jason: Yes, and you know why? Zack: Why? Jason: Because THERE WAS NO BIG SECRET, YA BON-BON BRAIN!!! Billy: Meanwhile on planet earth, Billy decides to talk to Zordon. Zordon, now what? We already thoroughly got the pee beaten out of us with those ugly new muddies. Zordon: I just found out how to destroy the muddies! You kick them in the crotches! Jason: Gee. We didn't know that. You've got impeccable timing, you idiot! Zack: You wait for us to risk losing our lives to discover everything ourselves and then, when we ask for details, you tell us stuff we already know! Straigten up, man! Jason: So what happens to us next? Zordon: Oh no, it's the thing I've feared most. Jason: Not having human-puppets? Zordon: No. It's... it's... it's... Chia-Petis-Head! Tommy: Something odd is telling me this is another stupid, unrelated plot to throw us in another kaleidoscope of terror, right? Zordon: I believe you are right, unimportant play-thing. Jason: It looks like a giant, over-grown, grass-growing Chia Pet. Zordon: That's because it is. He is so dangerous that he can do evil things. I haven't the slightest clue as to what he can do, but you'll just have to find out. Jason: Us?! You think we can withstand anything?!?! Zordon: I thought so. But if you don't find out, who will? Zack: I'll be right back. Kimberly: Where are you going, Zack? Zack: I'm off to go make my will. Kimberly: Oh brother. I suppose this is when we finally get to get out of these hot, sweaty suits and dub our voices over the Japanese Footage, huh? I hope so. I just cracked a nail! Jason: Oh brother. Zack, get back here, the parody is almost over! Billy: Oh for joy. Zack: Oh that's nice. Tommy: Not really, we still have to survive part 2. [Cracking, terrified voice] Oh lord, part 2. SCENE IX: In the Japanese Footage (ironically reused from "Green With Vomit" Parts 1-5) the rangers are standing around on a messed up Tokyo building awaiting attack from Lord Bread's latest monster. Zack: Okay, we're here. Now what? Jason: If you had've been paying attention, there are a posse of Muddies headed this way. Billy: There are? Kimberly and Billy crash into each other after two muddies beat them up. Tommy runs after Kimberly. Tommy: Why aren't you getting up? Billy: Nevermind that. Look! Jason: Aw no. This huge shark standing on top a high building with a full coat of grass all over his body and a chain-whip is looking in on the rangers while standing next a 10" TV set. ChiaPetisHead: Hahaha, I'm going to make you sick with my Christmas commercials! And isn't it strange how I sound just like the Moisturizer?? Hahahahaha. Jason: He won't last too long if we get DinoJunk Power, NOW! ChiaPetisHead: Uh uh. Not this time, Rangers. I'm not like Rita's stupid puppy-faced monsters. I won't stand around and wait until your Zords get here. Suddenly, while the zords are charging through the place smashing men, women and children, all of the zords grow an over-accumulated amount of grass and just freeze and clank over onto their side--frozen and powerless. Jason: I can't believe this is happening. This is like one of my worst nightmares! Billy: I can't believe my agent would put me on such a silly, idiotic show... TO BE CONTINUED... (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises