Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "The Has-Been Ranger" Parody of, "The Wanna-Be Ranger" SCENE I: All Rangers are outside the Angel Grave Junk Food Bar near the empty parking lot/park shooting hoops. Tommy: So this is how it ends; dorky basketball with dorky friends. Jason: How come we're playing basketball for a side-plot when we did that before in "The Trouble with Shell Shock?" Kimberly: Because the writers didn't write that one, and this isn't a side-plot. Jason: Gee, Bill; how come I ask so many dumb questions? Billy: I dunno. Maybe it's 'cause you're a dweeb? Jason: Just shoot the ball. GO BILLAY! GO BILLAY! Kimberly: Go BILLAY!! WHOOOO!! Billy jumps in the air and does some super-rad backflip to shoot the basket. Once the ball is dunked into the basket, Billy hits his head in front of the basket and he falls to the ground. Billy: Ugh!!! Suddenly, this guy in an ape costume sneaks behind Kimberly and all the guys in front of her are giggling as the camera moves closer to Kimberly's back when the ape-costume-wearing person puts his hand on Kimberly's shoulder and she flips around and screams. Zack takes off the monkey-head part of his costume and reveals it's him. Zack: Hehehehehe. Sissy. Kimberly: Don't you EVER do that to me again, Zack!! Billy: Hey, look at it this way; since you're Kimberly and not Kaitlin from "B.S. Trippers," you won't strip in fear. Zack: Aw darn! That was the whole reason I did this. Jason: I thought it was so you could surprise your sissy, whimpy cousin on his birthday? Trini: Plot leak. Zack: Thanks a lot, egoman. Kimberly: You wanna shoot some hoops? Zack: Nah. I gotta go back to town scaring the doody out of everyone. Zordon pages the rangers. Jason: Zordy, wassup? Zordon (over communicator): Was-sup? What does that mean? Trini: Why did you call us? Zordon (over communicator): Thank you. Teleport. Billy: No way. We're having too much fun here. Zordon (over communicator): Lord Bread is up to something! Trini: [Whining] Mmmm, not Lord Bread. He hurt me! Zordon (over communicator): Now will you teleport, lazy-asses? All: Uh huh, ya sure, okay. They teleport to the command center. SCENE II: In the command center... Zack: All right, bucket-mouth; what's Lord Bread up to? Alpha: Changing his name. But we'll get into that later. Right now, it's Zordon. Zordon: Rangers, due to an intergalactic imbalance caused by the linear alignments in your solar system, I'm about to temporarily short out. Jason: Aw that's a whole lota hooey. You're probably just trying to get away from us again. Zordon: Great! I spent all day long creating that excuse and it didn't even work! Thanks a lot, Alpha! Alpha: He's busted. He's taking a vacation because he's chicken and he's afraid Lord Bread will do to him what Green Vomit Ranger did several episodes ago--furthermore, he's going to embark on that what he calls a "well-deserved" vacation. Zordon: Why don't you just tell them EVERYTHING!? Alpha: I thought I did! Zordon: Alpha, do me a favor; don't talk, don't think, don't move, don't BREATHE! Jason: Why do we have to know all this okee-doke? Zack: Yeah? Zordon: Because, I'm leaving bucket-brains in charge of everything. Now I know I AM going coo-coo... Alpha: Just what are you trying to say? Zordon: If you haven't gotten it now, why should I have to paint a picture for you? Alpha: Oh, so it's like that, huh? Zordon: Shut up, Alpha 5. Rangers, you must go to Angel Grave and keep your eyes and ears peeled for Alpha's signal. Jason: What about our bananas? Zack and Billy giggle. Zordon: Now cut that out! Zordon's head dissolves from out of his head-tube and he shoves off for Honolulu. Billy: Well listen, now that you've thoroughly wasted our valuable goof-off time, I think we'll go back to Angel Grave, abandoning Alpha so he can stare at the giant, boring, plain, uneventful WALLS while we have tons and tons of fun!! C'mon, guys; let's go. Alpha: But wait you guys, I... Jason: By the way, could you clean my underwear? My washer is broken. Alpha: Okay. But, I... Jason throws two pairs of "Jockey" underwear at Alpha and then he and the others teleport away. Alpha: Well fine! Be that way!! See if I care! I was gunna tell them some'n neat, but now I'm not gunna. Oh well, let's see what I can do; ooooh! "Rangers in the Buff," issue 51. Ahhh... Alpha gets out a dolly filled with "Rangers In the Buff" porno magazines and reads one. SCENE III: In Lord Bread's castle... Goldar: Well, Lord Bread... Lord Zedd: Shhh!! I'm trying to con the AB Writers. See, the guys down at the lodge have said my name's kinda sissy and whimpy, so I'm going with a whole NEW personality. Now I am Lord Zedd. Goldar: I don't know HOW they could say something like that about you. Lord Zedd: I don't either. Goldar: I mean, it's obvious that you are already a sissy little bitchy person even AS Lord Zedd. Lord Zedd: YOU'RE GONNA TAKE THAT BACK, AREN'T YOU?! Goldar: Uhhhh... Lord Zedd: Ya know, Goldar; I've known you only three episodes, and I already hate your guts! Don't make me clip your wings and dump you in Rita's toilet! Goldar: In that case, I'm sorry. Tabloids, they are SO deceiving. Lord Zedd: Now, as I was saying; since the A.B. Writers SUCK and gave me only five very lousy and short scenes, I'll have to make the best of THIS one! Hahahahaha! So, Zordon wants to take a little cruise, aye? GOODBYE, PATHETIC RANGERS!! Goldar: Huh?? Lord Zedd: I mean, your fate is certain, Pathetic Rangers!! Goldar: You're starting to make no sense. Lord Zedd: It's all with the new name. And as I was saying, my FryMaker monster will fix those stupid rangers! I'll make it so that they won't know who the hell each other is because FryMaker will disguise himself as a Pathetic Ranger! They'll be more mixed up than a plate of scrambled eggs!! Hahahahahaa!! Goldar (while writing on a sheet of paper): ...and I belong to a sissy, whimpy-faced meat-man, and I... Lord Zedd: What is that you're writing?! Goldar: Duhhh, uh, a letter. Lord Zedd: Lemme see it! Lord Zedd snatches the letter from out of Goldar's hands. Goldar: But wait! See, you wouldn't understand! Lord Zedd (reading aloud): My boss is a chicken-doody, steak-faced tyrant who masturbates with his tongue!! He's a dip-stick, chunky excuse for a major-league pimple!! Well now, Goldar; I'm just DYING to hear your explanation for this, this ugly, disgusting example of _character assassination_?! Goldar: The guys at the lodge threatened to kill me if I didn't... Lord Zedd: I'll make you cry for free! Now shut up and go back to your painroom, you sniveling mutt! YOU RANGERS WILL PAY! SCENE IV: Lord Zedd: Hahahahahaha, what a FOOL Zordon is! He actually expected me not to mess with his stupid allies behind his back!? Baboo: Maybe he just doesn't give a damn. Lord Zedd: Dahh! NO! That explanation makes me look like I'm not smarter than him! AND THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE!! Squatt: We know, we know; you don't have to blow a vain or somethin'. Lord Zedd: Shut up! Now that Zordon's taken a cruise to nowhere, I'm going to have my FryMaker monster turn those Pathetic teenagers into creamed marshmallows! Hahaha! And I know just the piece of poorly woven trashy fabric to use too! That dog-chewed, mite-infested cheese-rag called Zack's ape costume! Hahahaha, and since he left a side-dish of MacRonalds fries in its pocket, I'll make him be FryMaker!! (Par-o-dy of Primator) Frymaker! Arise!! Lord Zedd uses his X-stick to turn Zack's ape-costume--which just HAPPENS to be lying on a sidewalk--into a big monkey with fries coming out each ear with an ape like face boggling up and down like some prehistoric chimpanzee. SCENE V: Back at the command center... We pan southward to a large pile of old "Rangers in the Buff" magazines as we zoom in on Alpha, who is sitting on a recliner holding the very last issue he has. Alpha: God. It just doesn't do anything for me anymore! I've seen Thuy Trang's breast twenty-two times! I'm bored. Let's see what's happening in the park. Alpha picks up this humungous remote control from which each button must be stomped on to press which turns on the viewing globe. Alpha: Ahh, this electronicalized VCR really works!! Hmm, some ape-faced mutant roaming the park, and... aww. A little boy can't find his mommy. In the Viewing globe... A little boy is crying because he can't find his mother. Boy[?]: Mommy, mommy; where are you? Alpha: Maybe I should call the rangers. Wait a minute; and let THEM take all the glory?? AGAIN!?! AFTER THE WAY THEY TREATED ME!?!?!? WELL F-YOU, RANGERS! I'LL DO THIS MYSELF, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!! Pasta la pizza, boring command center. And you can just buzz off forever, Zordon; because I never liked you!! Hehehe, it feels good to be in charge. Alpha teleports out of the command center. SCENE VI: Bulk and Skull are wandering in the park with microphones out recording everything. Bulk: Do you hear a strange voice?? Skull: Yeah. It's my new cassette tape: "Howard Stern Makes Rude Noises to the Oldies." Skull lifts up a video cassette of Howard Stern wearing nothing but string bikini briefs and with his hand up his arm-pit as he squeezes his arm down on his hand with this stupid look on his face. Bulk: I already have that. And I know that you're listening to "Do You Love Me," I'm talking about that annoying "Aye Yi Yi" sound! Alpha is not seen but falling from the sky because he teleported wrongly screaming "Aye Yi Yi." Bulk: Could it be the Pathetic Rangers?! Skull: Bulk, we SERIOUSLY need a woman. Bulk: What does that have to do with anything? Skull: Ugh. Alpha falls out the sky head first and Bulk and Skull notice him and scream and run. Bulk: Aaaaaah!! Alpha: Rough landings. I know! I'll make my own soap opera: "Rough Landing." Hey you guys, stop screaming; I'm not a monster, ya know. Skull: Aaaaaaahh! Bulk and Skull do their usually clowny exit as they bump into each other trying to run away while screaming. Alpha: Yeah FINE! Run away like a bunch of whimps! It isn't like YOU'RE normal looking people yourselves!! Anyway, time to do my thing-- whatever that was. Alpha turns around and notices that "Boy" sitting in the grass holding his soccer ball while crying. Boy: Mommy, mommy; where are you? Alpha: Oh now I remember. Helping the little boy. Boy: Mommy, mommy; where are you? Alpha: Is that the only thing you can say? Boy: Mommy, mom... Alpha: Enough, enough. I got the message. Hi there, I'll help you find your mommy. What's a mommy? Boy: Well, she's a lady, and she's a grown-up, and she had me. Alpha: Makes sense. I'll read about it. What's your name? Boy: Boy. Alpha: Oh not that again! We already had to go threw that in "Second Farce." Boy: Well, who are you? Alpha: I'm Alpha 5: a robot from a secret, underground place called the Command Center located about 25 minutes south of the Interstate 10. I live in a big building called the command center where lies the morphin' grid from which the five Pathetic Rangers, Bill... AB Writers: Shh! Shut up, robot. You talk too much. Boy: Wow! You're cool! Alpha: Tell ya what, kid, just ignore everything I said, okay? Boy: No way! This is too beefy. Alpha: You ignore me or I won't help you find your mommy. Boy: Aw, well, all right. Alpha: I'll bet your mommy is looking for you right now. Boy: I doubt it. We were at the mall, and she got into the car and told me to stay here and she drove off and said she'd bring me some ice cream. That was FIVE HOURS AGO. Anyway, she says she's a prostitute. Alpha: A prosta-what? Boy: She says it's her job, but I don't know what one is. Alpha: From my databanks, a prostitute is a... whoa boy. Nevermind. I still think she'll look for you. Boy: Probably not. I heard prostitutes don't look for their children. Alpha: Why are you so negative? Boy: I don't know, maybe it's 'cause she's the 34th mommy I've had that's run out on me. Alpha: Oooo, that is rough. Well, the best thing to do in a mess like this is to stay put. Boy: Then how come you're not in the command center? Alpha: How'd you know that? Boy: I don't know. But I think some Austin guy told me. Alpha: Aye yi yi. Boy: Let's play soccer. Alpha: Sock who? Boy: No, stupid! Soccer. You kick the ball, like this. Boy kicks the ball and it hits Alpha's leg lightly and he falls down and smashes himself up. Boy: What are you? Made of rubber bands? Alpha: No, I'm just a really cheap piece of junk. Anyway, I don't know about this sport stuff. FryMaker shows up in the park. FryMaker: Oooga mooga. SCENE VII: In Lord Bread's... Lord Bread is stepping up to his balcony while his cronies are behind him. Squatt: First Zordon's out of commission, now Alpha's on the loose too. Baboo: What a lame line. Lord Zedd: Silence!! I wanna to kick some booty back to Pluto! FRYMAKER! Do something worthwhile besides hopping around like some sort of idiot. Goldar: Uhh, Lord Bread, I mean, uh, Zedd, your scene is technically not over until you've said, "I'll destroy Zordon first and then the Pathetic Rangers forever, ha ha ha." Lord Zedd: I'll destroy Zordon first and then the Pathetic Rangers forever, Ha ha ha. SCENE VIII: Alpha's playing patty-cake with the Boy when FryMaker shows up monkeying around and conclusively metamorphosises into Billy. "Billy": Grrr!! Hahahaha. Hmm. Alpha: ...patty-cake, baker's man. Bake a cake as fast as you can... Alpha is slapping his hands to the Boy's when he turns around and sees a very unpleased "Billy." Alpha: Oh no, uhhhhhh. H-hi-hi, Billy. Uhmm, you're probably wondering what I'm doing here, and ah, there's probably a very good explanation for this and uhh, aw gees, I'm busted. "Billy": And disgusted. (Tsk, tsk, tsk) You piece of robotic garbage. What do you think you're doing? You KNOW you're not supposed to have any fun. I should break your legs right off your Volkswagon torso. So, who's minding the command center, HMM??? Alpha: Umm, I ah; well ya see, umm... "Billy": Nobody! I see, so, ummm, say some unwanted ranger just breaks in and totals the place again and pees on everything 'til it stinks and rusts? Alpha: That wouldn't be good. But I ah, just wanted... "Billy": Just wanted NOTHING! YOU shut the hell up before I slap your mouth clean off your face! We're coming BACK to the command center... Alpha: Well, I, uhmmm, I'm sorry and... "Billy": Put a cork in it! I'll see to it Zordon gives you a gruesome, unspeakably painful punishment for this! Alpha: Hey look, Billy, I didn't murder anyone or anything... Wait a minute, you're not the real Billy! AB Writers: I would've guessed that about four lines ago. On Alpha's head, "Billy's" face temporarily transforms into FryMaker and then changes back to "Billy." Alpha: You get away from me, you fake! "Billy" turns into FryMaker and grabs the Boy. Boy: Help! Alpha: Let go of him, you big, ugly bully! Alpha kicks FryMaker in the legs and FryMaker gets steamed, grabs Alpha by the legs and starts whipping him up and down, slamming him into the concrete until he starts smoking and rusting and gets all smashed up. Alpha: You leave me alone!! Run, Boy. Run! I must sacrifice myself! Oh what a terrible mess. Alpha starts pushing buttons on his chest and suddenly, a digital clock counter appears onto his chest with 15 minutes counting down. Alpha: There! I've activated my self-destruct sequence. Now you'll NEVER get to the command center, banana-face! Upset, FryMaker roughly brushes his leg across Alpha's bucket-face as he starts dying and gets ready to attack him some more. ---------- Lord Zedd: FRYMAKER! Get AWAY from that potential nuclear explosion! I don't want you getting KILLED or anything! I want you to destroy the Pathetic Rangers, you stupid idiot! ---------- FryMaker: Yes, Lord Zedd! Ooga, mooga! Haw haw haw! FryMaker runs off to his next duty and turns into Zack. Zack sneakishly walks off with this cheesy, evil look on his face. SCENE IX: Zack walks into the Junk Food Bar and approaches Kimberly and Trini, who are sitting on Ernie's barstools next to the bar counter. Kimberly: So, what do you think of Billy's buns? I think they're so cute! Trini: Yeah, but if we really wanna get deep; we talk about Ryan Steele's buns! Both: Oooooo! Zack: I'd hate to interrupt your senseless rambling, but Tommy's in big trouble! He's gettin' banged up in some battle scene--AND HE'S LOSING HIS POWERS! Kimberly: Oh gawd. Trini: Puh-leeze. Kimberly: Why are you buggin' us this time, Zack? Zack: You're not buying this? Kimberly: Of course not! If Tommy was losing his powers, he'd be buggin' us about it. Trini: Yeah, even Zordon would've told us. Now leave us alone. Zack: So much for the script. Trini: All right, we'll fall for this. But simply because the parody would come to screeching halt if we didn't. Zack: He's at the north end of the park getting kicked in the ass by Zedd's muddies. Kimberly: Yeah -- right. Oh no. This is a terr-a-ble trag-a-dy. We should get to him right A-way. Trini: Right, Kim-ber-ly. They mosey out of the Junk Food Bar. Zack: Great, they didn't fall for it. Oh well, at least the script warrants I did a good job, heheehehe. Oooo, Trini's banana shake. Mmm. SCENE X: At the "north end of the park," Trini and Kimberly teleport there and look around for Tommy for about 1 second before a leg slams into Trini's belly. Trini: Ooch! Kimberly: Hey hey hey! What is this?? Trini and Kimberly--unprepared--try to fend off a fleet of attacking Muddies and don't find Tommy anywhere. Trini: WHAT'S THIS?! Kimberly: I don't know. So where's Tommy?? Trini: I don't know! What if Zedd Kidnaped him??? Kimberly: What if he's using his body as a dusting-rag? Trini: Using his genitals as cleanex? Kimberly: Squeezing blood from his eyeballs as limescale remover!?!? Trini: Oh my god! Kimberly: What about these endless muddies?! They won't quit! Trini: Something fishy is going on here! Hee ya!! Kimberly: Jason, Billy! Come in!! They ring Jason and Billy's communicator and get no answer because Jason's at Billy's garage rocking to his walkman and Billy is sawing wood(?). Trini and Kimberly start breathing hard in worry as they resume beating up the muddies. They're finally all cleared out. Trini: Are you all right, Kimberly? Kimberly: Yeah, I think so. Just wait until I get my hands on Zack's throat! I'm gonna throttle him until his eyes pop out like champagne corks. A steaming mad Trini and Kimberly run for the Junk Food Bar. SCENE XI: In the Junk Food Bar... Billy, Zack and Jason are watching Tommy energetically go through a very high-speed karate routine. Tommy: And that's--how you do it, Jason. Jason: Tommy, you don't have to teach me jack crap. Tommy: Yeah I do. You couldn't beat a snail in a running race. Kimberly and Trini stomp into the Junk Food Bar with ticked-off looks on their faces and they go straight after Zack and push him onto a barstool. Trini: All right, wiseguy, what was that all about?? Kimberly: Was this your idea of a JOKE!? Trini: If it was, it wasn't very funny. Zack: Hey look, I got you girls a surprise. Kimberly: What? Hired thugs to shoot us in a dark alley? Trini: Gangsters to stab us slowly with a butter knife? Zack: No! A present. Kimberly: What was this all about? Tommy looks fine to me! Zack: Hey, he always looks fine. Jason: Yeah. He is the (and I quote) "Man who can walk through fire unscathed." Kimberly: It still wasn't funny. We got our asses whipped, kicked, tanned and slapped all at once by a two dozen muddies, ass-wipe! Zack: Whoa chics, get off my back! Kimberly: Look, you have got a lot of nerve using Tommy's boring and dull "I'm-losing-my-powers" soap opera against us! Tommy: Hey!! Zack: I have no idea what you're talking about. Kimberly: You know? Tommy in the park losing his powers? Zack: What? What are you guys talking about? Trini: And where were you morons all this time? Kimberly: We tried to contact you! Jason: We were at our house. Billy: No you weren't. You were at my garage, hence, MY room. Zack: Same difference. Billy: Wunna these days, I'm gonna hire myself a bodyguard. Tommy: Zack's been with us all day long. Trini: Something really strange is happening around here, and I don't like it. Jason: We better contact Alpha. Billy: Yeah, dump everything on Alpha. Tommy: Well, it's just as well; the bucket-butt won't answer. Billy: Oh great. I was telling Zordon about this. You can depend on Alpha about as much as you can depend on a mosquito staying in one location. Trini: This is seriously bad news! If Alpha isn't in the command center, who knows what horrendous things could be going on. Billy: My guess is that some dweeb with money broke in and beat him up and is right now spray-painting "Screw You" on top of Zordon's head-tube. Jason: We better get to the command center. SCENE XII: At the park... Alpha's on the ground getting weaker as his self-destruct sequence counts down to meltdown. Boy: What's wrong?! Alpha, are you getting better? Alpha: I don't think so. But before I die, if you ever meet Pink Ranger, tell her I said she has the best butt in the whole universe! Boy: Please don't go! Alpha: Ten minutes to death! Ugh... SCENE XIII: In the command center, the rangers are already there. Billy: Hey look, it's Zordon. He's back from vacation. Zordon is in his tube with a Hawaiian lei on his neck with Hawaiian music playing. Zordon: Boy, the food down there is amazing. Hey! Where's Alpha?? Trini: That's what we'd like to know! Billy: Yeah, we're asking you! Zordon: Oh right. Heh heh. Almost forgot the script there. Kimberly: Uh, ya. Zordon: Hmmm... Behold the viewing globe. Trini: Ugh. Zordon: Like the stupid child he is, Alpha wandered out of the command center for some odd reason and got beat up by Lord Bread's new monster-- FryMaker. Alpha is in the hands of a little boy whose mother can't find him. Alpha tried to rescue him and got attacked by Lord Bread's monster. AB Writer: It's Zedd today. He thought he was being hip. Oh well. Billy: Idiot! When he comes back, I'm going to program that JunkBot to follow orders and not be so human-like. Sheesh, to be a 30,000 year old robot, he sure is stupid. Zordon: Alpha is on self-destruct sequence. Kimberly: How come you act so calm about this? Zordon: Beats me. The alarm goes off. Trini: We've gotta rescue Alpha! Zordon: Fortunately, there's no time for that. Billy: Fortunately? If Alpha gets blown up, nobody will be able to run you. Zordon: I was springing for forcing you to, Billy. Billy: WHAT?! We GOTTA rescue Alpha, and QUICK! Zordon: Not so fast! FryMaker is in the park disguised as a zit-faced MacRonalds vender to poision Angel Grave off of his fries. You must stop him, but be careful, he has the power to disguise himself as any one of you. Thus, making it NEARLY IMPOSSIBLE to track him down. Pretty exciting, huh? Kimberly: Good greif. So it was that stupid lookin' monkey who disguised himself as Zack. Boy, I'm gonna kick his butt just the way he did my perfect one! Look, Zack, we're sorry for mistrusting you. Zack: It's all right. Just don't let it happen again, stupid. Trini: Thanks for forgiving us. Zack: Great. So, Trini, you know where I live. Let's say we get together--you naked, oiled up and on my bed. Trini: You disgusting creep! Go to hell! We already forgave you, so we don't have to do nothin' for you, especially something as disgusting as what you request, you slimey slug. Zack: Darn! I knew I was forgiving too soon. Jason: All right, enough monkeying around--tee hee. Kimberly: Enough with the stupid puns, all right? Jason: All right. IT'S MORPHIN TIME! Tommy: BarneyZord Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus ---------- The rangers arrive in Central Park area to duke it out with FryMaker. Jason: You're goin' down, monkey-meat! Zack: Yeah! Each ranger does their usually three-move pose routine. Zack: The party's over for you, chimp. Jason: Yeah, Red Ranger's here! Billy: Blue Ranger ready! Kimberly: Pink Ranger! Trini: Yellow Ranger! "Trini": Yeah, Yellow Ranger! Trini: That's right, and, uh... Huh!? WHO ARE YOU!? "Trini": Yellow Ranger, fake! Trini: No, you're the fake! "Trini": You imposter! Trini: Liar! I'm the Yellow Ranger, Jason! Please, help me! Jason: Duhh, ahh, uh... Billy: Huh? Well, uh... "Trini": You CAN tell who the real Trini is, can't you? Kimberly: Uh, well, I uhh, umm... "Trini": Believe me! Pleeeeeeeeze!! I'm the real one!! Jason: You know, you fake, you don't have to make yourself so obvious, ya know. "Trini": Yeah, Yellow Ranger; you're supposed to whine and grovel just like me. Trini: All right. Pleeeeeeze believe me!! "Trini": Don't believe her! It's just FryMaker trying to trick us! AB Writers: This is kinda screwed up; the readers obviously know who's who; one has quotes behind their name. Kimberly: So much for the suspense. All right, one of yous is lying, which one is it? Billy: Oooo, riveting questioning, Perry Mason. I'm sure the liar is gonna spill the beans now. Kimberly: Oh yeah, I never thought of that. Billy: Ugh!! Jason: Um, Trini, Trini, Trini... Okay. I know! I know how I'll tell you guys apart. Um, will the real Trini... tell me what your cup size is. Trini: 29b, what else? Billy (shocked): Dee-hee! Jason (to "Trini"): Then YOU'RE not Trini! Jason pulls out his Power Sword and knocks the fake Yellow Ranger on its buns until it turns back into FryMaker. Jason: All right, looney toons, we're gonna kick some ass, and one of us won't come outta this with one! Aye ya!! Jason gets out his sword and dukes it out with FryMaker, who uses a larger-than-life french-fry in his defense. Finally, Jason cuts FryMaker's french-fry in half as it deflates. How's that for inexpensive rubber props? FryMaker: Ooga ouchy! That smarts!! You'll PAY for that, pathetic-breath! Jason: Pathetic Breath? Great comeback, monkey-man. FryMaker: Now I'm steamin' mad! Ooga Mooga! FryMaker whips the Rangers as he charges after them (as seen in the thousands of times this scene's clip has been played in FOX advertisements). Jason: Stay sharp, guys. FryMaker runs away. Zack: Not so fast, furball! Zack jumps FryMaker and begins riding around on him all over the creation, knocking all the rangers aside as they fall onto the ground. Jason: Aye, watch it, man! Zack: I can't! Aaaaagh! Get me off! Jason gets out his bladeblaster and whacks FryMaker. He loses balance, collapses and rolls over the same steep, 10 story ledge that Zack is thrown over because of falling off FryMaker's back. Zack: Aaaaagh!! "Zack" climbs up the ledge fit as a fiddle. Jason: Gee, that fall looked pretty bad, bro. Are you okay? "Zack": Yeah. I'm great. Kimberly: That sounds suspicious already. Zack (whose suit is not dirty, torn and smudged) somersaults into the air and lands onto "Zack" and piggy-back rides on him while banging and kicking at him. Trini: Now I've seen everything. Zack: Look out, guys! It's Frymaker in disguise. All: Well...let's get 'em, guys; yeah, c'mon, let's go, yeah! Let's get him! The Rangers flip over each other and group assault "Zack." They all get thrown backwards. Kimberly swings a punch at "Zack" and misses. Kimberly kicks at "Zack" and he grabs her leg and knocks her against a wall. Kimberly: This isn't going so swell. FryMaker backflips over and over again, each time turning into each of the Pathetic Ranger. Billy: He's crazy! Tommy: He doesn't know what he wants to be. Zack: Jason! What are we gunna do? Jason: Don't worry, I'll handle this. He thinks he's going to be the Red Rash Ranger? Well, he's _wrong_! Jason runs off screen and ends up thrown back at the feet of the other Rangers. Jason: Oh-kay...since that didn't work. Let's call Zordon. Tommy (Mockingly): ``Don't worry, I'll handle this.'' Ego-maniac. Jason and "Jason" do battle and then the fake gets separated from the other rangers. "Jason": Get away from him, guys! He's gonna blow up! Rangers: Huh? What? "Jason": Uh, I mean... he's the bogus Red Ranger! Jason: Go to hell! Jason smacks his fake and he turns back into Fry-Maker. FryMaker brews up a storm and blows all the rangers out of the field. Zordon (via communicator): Teleport to the Command Center. Jason: We'll be right back! So, stay tuned. Let's go, guys. SCENE XIV: At the Command Center, the rangers are hangin' around without their helmets off again. Zordon: That is annoying. Jason: You'll get used to it. Zordon, I want an explanation as to why I couldn't have come near that beast! I know what the problem is, I need more power. Billy: Power, power, power. Is that all you think about? Ever heard of strategy? Or is this Frymaker? Kimberly: Couldn't be, he couldn't cook to save his life. Tommy: Hahaha. Zack: Well, who do we know who to fight? I didn't like falling five stories off a building. Zordon: Rangers, in a time like this when your fate is sealed and it's more than likely this monster will have you locked up in an underground dungeon forced to listen to Rick Dees' morning radio show, I kill off all hope of a truly suspense-filled episode by introducing a mildly easy solution. Billy: Whatever it is, can I have Tribladdertops' face on it? Zordon: You service us well. You shall have your wish. Jason: That's more screwed up than poop in the middle of a sidewalk. Tommy: Politics. Zordon: I might have discovered a clue. Behold the viewing globe. Trini: Maybe you DO need those cue-cards. Zordon: While I had my universal spy-cam overlooking the Earth, my records noticed that when Frymaker looked into Alpha's nice and shiney head, he was unable to maintain his altered state. Billy: So that means whenever he turns into one of us, all we have to do is get him to see is own reflection. Jason: Hey, you stole my line! Billy: Hehehe, that was fun. Jason smacks Billy in the face. Billy: Ow! Jason: Cut it out, monkey-shine. Zack: Anybody got a mirror? Kimberly: Yeah, but it's in my car. Zack: D'OH! Zordon: Nevermind. There's one conveniently located on the steps in front of you. Kimberly: Oh, I'll get it. Kimberly bends over and Zordon grins as the other rangers (excluding Trini and Jason, who's rubbing his muscles) start applauding and whistling as they stare at her rear. Kimberly: Thanks, I get paid to do that though, so cut it out before I whack one of you with this mirror. Zordon: Hm, hm, hm; you can't hit me. Kimberly: Darn. But I can still turn you off by aimlessly turning off dials, buttons and switches. Jason: All right, guys, and hot ladies [grinning], let's give this ugly ape a good look at himself. The Rangers teleport out of the Command Center. SCENE XV: AB Writers: HOLD IT! I've been counting on my stopwatch and it's been eleven minutes. Geiger counters should be set off for miles around and Alpha V should be pancake batter splattered everywhere. Jason: In that case, subtract five minutes from the plot--we've got to finish FryMaker. AB Writers: Okee dokee. SCENE XV (again): We switch to a scene where all of the Rangers are walking off a freeway off-ramp, all except Tommy, who obviously did morph with the others. Jason: How the hell did we just do that? And where the heck is Tommy? Billy: The population vacated the city shortly after seeing us, their only saviors, running for their lives. Kimberly: Hey look, why is Tommy away from us twisting and belching? "Tommy" is found about 20 feet away from the other rangers all over the ground, pretending to be "dying." "Tommy" (while gasping): Hey guys, I'm losin' my powers! This is just too much. [Sheepishly] Why don't you just give up? Jason kicks "Tommy" in the face and he falls back onto the ground. "Tommy": How can you be so cruel? Jason: You say you're losing your powers and it's ``too much,'' but we're not buying it. Zack: Yeah. We have reason to believe that you ain't the real Tommy. Jason: Yeah, 'cause the real Tommy overacts! Trini: The real Tommy wouldn't give up so easily, at least without a pinch of over-dramatics, you boneheaded baboon. "Tommy": APE! Duh, I mean--what are you talking about? Surely you don't think I'm an imposter, do you? Jason: Get him! Billy: Hey, ``Tommy,'' I just made this mirror--wanna test it out to see if it works? Tommy: Uh gee, um; sure--I guess...do I really have to look INTO it?? Kimberly: Go on. "Tommy": Doh, all right. "Tommy" nervously approaches the mirror and when he sees himself, he hollers in agony and smashes the mirror when his helmet turns half red, half green. Kimberly: Christmas colors? We zoom in on the true Rangers who have all their arms crossed and heads tilted in disbelief of "Tommy's" identity. Jason: He's through. Let's get him! All: YEAH! "Tommy" crosses his arms over his body trying to avoid the rangers' attacks when they jump him and Kimberly holds him still as Billy punches him in the stomach. All the rangers then put their feet in "Tommy's" mouth as he goes flying across the scenery when he finally reverts back to FryMaker. Jason: Let's see how you do when you have to fight fair. ---------- Meanwhile... Goldar: What are we going to do now, oh brilliant one without a skull?? Lord Zedd: You are going to do absolutely NOTHING! I, on the other hand am... Goldar: No kidding. Lord Zedd: A-hem! I was talking! Goldar: Proceed with your massive ego trip, oh red, glowing one. Lord Zedd: As I was saying, YOU are going to do NOTHING--whereas, I am going to make FryMaker a little bigger. Lord Zedd throws down his magical banana peeling to make FryMaker grow, and the inevitable takes place... ---------- Zack: Majormess/Cowardly Lion BlunderZord Power is what I want, heh-heh. Kimberly: Pterodorky/TiredBird BlunderZord Power Billy: Tribladdertops/Acorn BlunderZord Power Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat/Muffin BlunderZord Power Jason: Trashosaurus/Red-Spinal Column BlunderZord Power The zords arrive, crash into BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord and is promptly beat up. FryMaker: Hahahahahaha! You think you're so tough?! I'll make ketchup out of the lots of ya! Hahaha! Trini: Jason, what do we do?! He's getting out another deadly cajun french fry! Jason: Tommy!! We need help!! Tommy: Aww man, but my powers, they're getting weak... Jason: Not that line. The other one! Tommy: Thank goodness. All right! Time for some BarneyZord power! Tommy gets out his BarneyDagger and plays Yankee Doodle Dandy and summons the almost useless BarneyZord who proves to do nothing but drink up about 2 more minutes in stock footage. The BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord meanwhile just flaunts and poses. FryMaker: No!! Please don't destroy me! I'll be your friend. Jason: Nnnn, no. FryMaker: Aw, you're mean. The BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord conclusively destroys FryMaker with their BlunderSavor. SCENE XVI: In the park, Alpha's on his back counting down his last seconds of life while the Boy is playing with a Pathetic Ranger action figure. Alpha: 15 seconds 'til total self-destruction and annihilation. AB Writer: Stop hammin' it up and just blow up! Alpha: Shh! 14 seconds, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...[nervously noticing the rangers are nowhere to be found]...1 and one quarter. 1 and one sixteenth. 1 and one eight. 1 and one quarters. 1 and a half? 1 and three quarters. 1 and and five sixteenths? 1 and...HEY RANGERS, I'm going to be twinkie filling in a minute here! The rangers, who previously teleported during the countdown sequence, step up to Alpha. Boy: Wow, the Path... Jason: Shut up! Kimberly: You don't regard hero worship much, do you? Zack: We just wanted to make you sweat a little, bucket-face. Alpha: Help me! In about one second, I'm going to be pot ash and leave a very big hole in the ground here. Trini: Hurry, Billy! Tommy: Thanks a lot, Trini. Boy: Billy's the Blue... Billy: No, see, Yellow Ranger is out of her mind and is committed for screaming several different names out in the sheets with several different men, so excuse her stupidity. Trini: HEY! Billy: Okay, let's see what I can do. Billy (with increased speed to the film) quickly hits all sorts of buttons on Alpha's belly when the sequence is aborted. Alpha: All systems go! Thanks a lot. The Boy's mommy (who is dressed in a too-tight-to-breathe mini-skirt and a short yet tight shirt on and heavy make-up with high-heeled shoes) approaches the boy. Mommy: Look, you rude, naughty little boy; you're coming with me. Red Ranger: Let him go, you woman. What kind of a monster are you to leave your child alone? We're taking you to the "How To Be a Better Mother" psychiatric clinic! Mommy: 'Kay. As long as the Pathetic Rangers say so. All right, little boy. I love you. First thing, I'm taking you to DIZ-NEE LAND! Boy: Yay! Billy: Now run along, guys. The rangers and Alpha teleport back to the Command Center. Boy: Bye, Alpha! Bye, rangers! I'll always remember you!! AB Writers: That's not so swell. Oh well. On to the end of the parody. SCENE XVII: As soon as they teleport into the command center, Billy approaches Alpha and smacks him on the head. Billy: You stupid heap of JUNK! What was the big idea going away like this?! Zordon: I am very disappointed in you, Alpha. No cartoons or TV and you have to do odd chores around the command center. Jason: Guess you'll be being grounded for 2,000 years, huh? Hehehehee! Alpha: Kinda like how you got grounded for STILL not passing the 5th grade? Jason: Aww, that's it... I'm gonna...! Alpha: You wouldn't be so happy if YOU had to listen to Zordon talk about his triumphs against Rita and her goons for the rest of the series. Now I'll never get to guest star on "Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." Billy: Well cheer up. That show isn't that great anyway. Alpha: Look, Zordon, tell ya what? You ground me, I turn you off. Zordon: No! Pleeze!! Anything but that! Alpha: Now let's see who's boss around here. THE END (C) 1995 Artist Bros. Enterprises