Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Muddie on My Empty-Hollow Head" Parody of, "Putty on the Brain" SCENE I: In the Angel Grave High School locker room... Billy is dabbing pimple ointment on his face while looking at himself in his locker mirror while he's stuffing books and folders into his locker. Zack skateboards into the locker room directly into his locker and he slams his face into his locker, bumping his nose against his locker door. Zack: Ow!! Billy: Stupid. Zack: Hey, look at these cool sun-glasses I got at the Swap Meet. Zack gets out from his locker a pair of black-tinted shades and he gives one pair to Billy and he puts one pair on himself. Billy (sarcastically): Oh these should last. What are they for? My only guess is it can lower the risk of injury during scientifical research involving chemical compounds and shop class experiments. Zack: And they look cool too. Ever heard of it? Billy: Popularity is highly overrated in this educational establishment. Zack: Just try 'em on, stupid. I paid twenty bucks for this pair. Billy: I never asked for these. Zack: Yeah well, they're for your own safety. I was startin' to wanna whack you seeing you in those goofy looking glasses. Billy: Oh lord. Billy finds a pair of polka-dot tinted glasses on the ground and puts them on. Billy: Oooo, they make everything look green. I see bubbles too. And there's a pink elephant, and a plaid snake floating in the air. Zack: Stupid, those are colored. Billy: Oh. Zack: THESE are the glasses. Billy: It is amazing how the writers write us. I told Saban, "I ain't joinin' this show if I had to talk to you." I'm talking to you; this isn't good. Zack: I'm complaining too. I said the same thing. SCENE II: Lord Bread is seen slumped in his brass chair with his fist on his cheek looking at "Let's Make a Deal" on his morbid looking TV set in his palace. (On the TV Show): Monty: Oh I'm sorry, you just lost $15,000 and a free trip to Maui. I'm sorry. Contestant: Oh... [intense sobbing and crying] (Off the TV Set): Lord Bread throws the remote at the TV screen. Lord Bread: NGH!! {Clack!} I've had enough of soaps and dumb game shows! It's always the same thing, every time on daytime TV. Goldar: You shouldn't have destroyed the TV. Now I won't find out if Mary is really married to Chad's younger brother and if Chad is really Mary's sister's first adopted child who got married to Falcon in Las Vegas, and if Falcon really is a bigamist who was cheating on his wife's daughter on "All My Simpletons." Lord Bread: Turn around, Goldar. Goldar turns around and Lord Bread kicks Goldar in the butt with his foot. Goldar: Ouch! Lord Bread: Shut up, you stupid excuse for the klondike! I am TIRED of watching TV when I could be having fun picking at the Rangers' weak, puny, pathetic, empty, hollow heads! Goldar: But aren't you shocked and awaiting the conclusion of if Peter is really married to Wendy's half-sister, who is sleeping with Jerry's older cousin who is threatening to expose Jennifer for sleeping with Gavin in the office while still being married to Jason on "One Bite to Eat?" Lord Bread: NO!! All they're going to do is write another script for the next show and you keep watching each episode until your brain turns to mush! It's an endless story! Goldar: And this isn't? But anyway, as far as watching boring TV 'til your brain turns to mush, look who's talking? With no skull so your brains are hanging out for all to see. Lord Bread: Don't make me hurt you! Now then... First off the bat, I don't even know these soap opera characters' names! Secondly, YOU watch too much TV. Goldar: Well, since I'm as good as jobless, why not? Lord Bread (sudden thunder): JOBLESS?! YOU ARE PLENTY EMPLOYED!! Goldar: Yes, Master. Lord Bread: Hmm, your mounting fluttering of senseless stupidity just gave me an idea! I'm going to screw up Zack and Billy's new shades so they think they're looking at MUDDIES instead of their fellow friends. Goldar: You mean Jason, Kimberly, Trini and Tommy? Lord Bread: Yes! Goldar: Well as long as this scene's been going, they've probably taken them off. Lord Bread: Don't be silly; Billy's reputation as a geek is going to get worse if he doesn't put those things on. Goldar: He's proud of his geekdom. I think they're probably reading a magazine and waiting for our scene to finish and they're still wearing the glasses. And even so, can't they just take the glasses off? Lord Bread (Sarcastically): Yes, they'll take off the glasses, and my spell will wear off -- great plan! Stupid!! What stupid fool would make a spell if it can be broken with a knock-off of their glasses? A normal person could take 'em off and destroy the spell, but the Pathetic Rangers aren't normal people. Goldar: Well, you could stop lumping my head and execute your plan? Lord Bread: You're right! SCENE III: Billy is leaning on his locker wearing the shades while doing absolutely nothing with his arms crossed. Billy: ZACK, I've been wearing these stupid goggles of yours for 15 minutes now. Can't I take these off now? Zack: No. I bought them off Cheryl Saban. Billy: YOU BOUGHT A PROP OFF OF THE PRODUCER? Zack: Yeah, good deal. Billy clenches his fist and whaps Zack on the head. Billy: Stupid! The props are supposed to be given to US! Zack: Oh. Better get my money back. Billy: Oh that's fine and all, but what was Cheryl doing at a Swap Meet? Zack: How should I know? Billy: Nice to know the producers are cheap. It's no wonder this show has the heir of cheesyness. Exactly what condition are these things in? Zack: I have no idea, they just look cool. Billy: Are you sure you didn't get a brain transplant with a dog? Zack: Watch it, nerd. Billy: Eh, does it matter? These things are cursed anyway. Zack: Good point. Let's turn our heads and look at the green goo that's been growing on the school intercom while Bread toys with my stuff. Suddenly, Lord Bread takes his X stick and zaps the glasses and puts a curse on them, turning them into possessed, cursed, evil glasses. Zack: Okay, let's put 'em on. Billy: Now what? Zack: GUYS! Jason, Kimberly and Trini walk into the hallway locker room and Billy and Zack see them as muddies that walked into the hallway. Jason: Oh what?? Zack: You're supposed to come out looking like a dirt-headed Muddie. Jason: Hey, I spent two hours in the makeup room. I'm not about to look like a Muddie. Billy: Hello? I wonder where Kimberly is? Kimberly: I'm right here, silly. Kimberly taps Billy on the head and Billy turns around to see a Muddie. He turns around again and his eyes fly up to the top and he faints then falls to the floor. Kimberly: What's gotten into him? Bad eye-shadow? Trini: I think it's bad breath. I have a tic-tac if you'd like one. I can... Kimberly: Don't be insulting, pizza-face. Zack: Wake up! Billy: No! I, I can't; it's like some sort of bad dream. Zack: Or cruel joke. Zack punches Jason in the face. Jason: OWW! Whatcha do that for? Zack: It says in the "Code of Zordon," sock anything that looks like a muddie. Besides, that was for deckin' me in the 3-Part Special. Jason: For the 100th time, I am NOT a muddie!! So I see, those things Trini say about you behind your back are true. Trini: I told you we should've locked him up in the rubber room. Zack: I'd deck you and all if you weren't a woman. Well, then again... Trini: Hey! Hiya! Mr. Capbutt walks in. Capbutt: What's going on here? Zack: Look out! Muddie! Tomahawk! Bobcat! Mountain Goat! HELP! SOMEONE CALL THE POLICE! Billy: Stop hamming it up. Zack throws himself on top of Capbutt and the rest of the rangers and everyone falls to the floor and get mixed up with each other and Zack lifts his head up and sees Trini/Muddie and screams. Capbutt: That's IT! I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE! I DON'T _CARE_ WHAT'S GOING ON HERE! BUT, YOU SIX DETENTION! Tommy: Bummer. Jason: I think Capbutt enjoys the word ``detention'' too much for his own good. Capbutt: It's my job, otherwise I'd be drawing up unemployment, then playing Woody on "B.S. Trippers." Jason: It's "V.R. Troopers." My little brother works on that show, so don't egg his show, otherwise, he'll get real upset and I'll have to defend my family honor. Capbutt: Yes, and then you can bring home that nice detention slip to frame for your parents afterwards. Jason: On second thought, who cares about the little squirt and his dorky show? Capbutt: I knew you'd see it my way. Tommy: Bummer. Trini grunts. Kimberly: I hope Billy straightens up soon; otherwise, I'll start having to dance naked on a table for Jason now. Tommy: What!? Jason: Oh cool. Miss Appleweed walks into the locker room. Miss Appleweed: TO CLASS and NOW, OR DIE! Capbutt: I just sent them to detention. Miss Appleweed: You DARE go against a woman with PMS?! Capbutt: On second thought, I enjoy your big burly voice--you may go to class. Tommy: You can't worm out of your detention promise just 'cause Appleweed has an attitude that stinks worse than rotten eggs. Billy (talking out the side of his mouth): Shut up, Tommy. Jason: Yeah, we're supposed to go to detention. Zack: These are TRUE muddies! Tommy: Well anything's better than looking at Miss Appleweed's double-chin do the hoola. Miss Appleweed: That's it. DETENTION -- EVERYBODY IN THIS SCHOOL! Everybody: What!? Capbutt: YOU CAN'T DO THAT! *I* am the PRINCIPAL! Miss Appleweed: But you just said... Capbutt: Nevermind what I said. Your voice sucks. Miss Appleweed: Well you can just kiss off. Jason: Can we get to detention already? Capbutt: GO!! Zack: Man, I'm sicka detention. I've been getting grounded every other week behind this. Billy: Grounding? My dad made me listen to the Emergency Broadcast System test twenty times in a row. Then, he made me paint the whole house and I was still grounded for a year. I couldn't see Kimberly unless she was wearing three layers of clothing, and he made me wear REAL glasses. Zack: Big whoop. SCENE IV: As the kids walk to their detention room chairs... Zack: Gee, I'm glad the rangers are being mature about this. Billy: Yeah. Jason: Too bad we look like muddies. Jason turns around for a bit and then abruptly and quickly runs up to Zack and starts yelling and shaking his face around and moving his arms. Jason: Blaughghghghg!! Zack: Yaaaaaaaaaagh!!!!! Jason: Hey, this is fun. Zack: I'ma get'chu for this. Kimberly: Hey, Billy; one kiss to send me to detention heaven? Billy: No! No! Keep Away! Billy lifts his folder up to his face to block Kimberly away. Billy starts trying to back up until he falls backwards while still sitting in his chair. Billy: Ugh! Kimberly: How rude. Zack: Jason, when you start looking ugly again, I'm gonna sock you into the next zip code. Jason: You don't have the guts. Mrs. Appleweed: NO TALKING! Billy: Isn't that a funny thing? When Beef and Bull get detention, they're always alone. Mrs. Appleweed: That's 'cause they have an official slip. See, they come in almost everyday, so therefore, they have free reservations to be left alone. Jason sits in his chair and finds gum stuck on his pants as he slowly gets up again. Jason: Eww. Kimberly: Sorry..... I was sorta blowing my bubble gum and... Jason: Shaddup. Bulk and Skull walk in and Skull has two backpacks around his shoulders filled with recording equipment. Bulk: Hey guess what? We're gonna find out who the Pathetic Rangers are. Jason ( flippantly): The best of luck to ya. Bulk: Yeah, I just wired and bugged Skull with every single type of recording equipment available on the black market. Skull is seen mummified in black cables while twisting around until he stumbles outside the window. Billy: Just don't accidentally fall in a pool or something. Skull: YAAAAaaaaaaaaaa.... [Voice diminishing as he free-falls out the window] Miss Appleweed: I don't wanna hear another word. Bulk accidentally presses playback on his tape recorder which repeats the last thing Appleweed said. Bulk: Whoops. Miss Appleweed: That's not funny, Bulk. Kimberly: I know how they could find out Tommy is a ranger, just steal his backpack. Tommy: Hey! Kimberly: All they'd have to do is shove bamboo shoots under his finger nails and safety-pin his eyelids open, forcing him to watch the Turner Network for 72 consecutive hours until they make him talk. Suddenly, the rangers start looking at Tommy suspiciously. Tommy: Hey, don't look at me, it's Kim's stupid story. Who are you gonna believe? Me? Or a muddie? Billy: Sorry, Tom, you're a muddie too. Tommy: Bummer. Jason: This detention scene is starting to get stupid. SCENE V: Bulk and Skull--somehow--escape detention and start idolizing Miss Appleweed's class Iguana looking at it like it might be one of the rangers (pathetic, isn't it?) Miss Appleweed: Would you look over my Iguana? Bulk: Call it by its real name: yucky lizard. Miss Appleweed: It's an Iguana. And with that attitude, I'm glad I put my serveillance cam on you two. Oh my poor Iguana, good luck. Skull: Hey, I think the Iguana is a Pathetic Ranger. Bulk: Yeah! Tape it. First, feed it into shock so we can examine it. Skull: Right! Skull dumps an entire box of "Chucky Larms" cereal into the Iguana's tank. ---------- Goldar: It worked. Now what, Bread? We laugh at the fact that we've permanently wrecked Billy and Zack's vision? Lord Bread: _LORD_ Bread! You are to address me as LORD Bread! Goldar: Excuse me. Sheesh. Lord Bread: Now to turn up the heat, literally. With my fire-breathing Salinguini monster! Lord Bread whips out his X-stick and aims it at Miss Appleweed's class where Bulk and Skull are "caring" for her iguana. He turns the Iguana into Salinguini: a half-Iguana, half linguini monster that blows hot air out his mouth (literally). ---------- Bulk: Duhh, ahh, uhh... I think it wasn't hungry! Skull: Yaaaaaaah!! WHAT DO WE DO? Bulk: In the script for us, scream in terror as the monster moves closer and flee in fear. Skull: Why can't we be brave? Bulk: Because, we're the cowards of the show, silly. They run out the door screaming bloody murder. Salinguini (w/ italian accent): Hahahaha, what a bunch of sissies. Let me pick on someone else. Lord Bread (via secret bug): Cool it. Salinguini: Eh? Lord Bread (via secret bug): You're not picking on anybody, just toast the rangers until their bikini briefs begin to show. Salinguini: Aww man, I always get the boring jobs. Lord Bread: You do as I say or else I'll throw you in Finster's Play-Doh playset to have fun with. GOT IT? Salinguini: Right, sir! ---------- Goldar: Wouldn't it be better to have him for lunch? Lord Bread: Do the readers a favor and don't talk. Goldar: Yes, sir. SCENE VI: Billy and Zack (in an attempt to get away from their troubles of seeing their friends as muddies) walk out school and walk into the Angel Grave playground park. Zack: Glad to be out of that detention hall. Billy: You and your cheap pair of eyes. Zack: You're the one who was supposed to stop me and talk some sense into me. Billy: The only way to talk to you is to have you on the floor with a fist gunning for your nose. Zack: Then you should've called Jason. Billy: Need I remind you, he was on the toilet. Zack: Oh right, that took a while. Billy: Listen, stop yammering and do something! Zack: I'm not the brains of this outfit! Billy: I can see that. Zack: I really HATE my scriptline today. Billy: Would you much rather be repeating your lines and getting roundhoused by Tommy or Jason again? Zack: On second thought, this is a beautiful script and... Billy: Uh Zack, no one likes a kiss-up. Zack: Geez, what do you want from me, Billy? First you don't want me to complain, then you want me to not kiss up, then you want me to shut up. Billy: It's a shame you can't do it all at once. Billy and Zack are still walking down the park when they approach the slide and bridge, laced with six Muddies, who are standing there with their fists on their hips looking at the two. Billy: Uh oh, six Muddies. Zack: Well, since we see our friends as muddies; maybe only two of them are real. Billy (Sarcastically): Yeah right. Zack: Yo doods, what's up? The Muddie runs down the slide and kicks Zack's chest, knocking him into the sand. Another Muddie grabs Zack by the feet and swings him into the sand and Zack goes flying screaming. Zack: Well, I know they don't like me. Billy: Let's kick some Muddie. SCENE VII: The two are fighting the Muddies when Billy throws himself on top of a Muddie, penetrating and forcing pressure on Billy's testicles. Billy: Ouch! I knew that move was bogus. Zack: Don't worry, dude, I'll take 'em! Zack goes at it and gets thrown back again. Zack: There MUST be a much easier way to do this. Billy: Like changing our names, getting plastic surgery and moving to Wyoming? Zack: No, stupid. We get help! Billy: Why? They'll only look like more Muddies. Zack: Well, we don't have much of a choice 'cause here they come. Jason, Kimberly, Trini and Tommy show up. Billy: How did you guys know we were in a fix? Jason: Well, we figured Zordon doesn't need the airtime, so we just took it for granted that we already knew you two were getting messed up. Kimberly: Don't worry, sweet-cheeks. Billy: Save it. Zack is beating up on a Muddie on the playground bridge while the others are fending off the other Muddies and he kicks a Muddie down the swing. Trini kicks a Muddie down and then waves at Zack. Trini: Hey, Zack! Jason: Since when have you waved at Zack in a battle. Trini: Beats me. Just another one of those strange exceptions when something weird goes on in the plot. Zack jumps off the bridge and twists his body in a circle in the air and gets ready to punch out what he thinks is a Muddie. Trini: No! Wait! Stop! It's me, Trini! Zack: Oh. Zack smacks his fist into his palm and gets ready to smack Trini when Billy holds him back. Billy: Easy now, Musselini. The muddies get destroyed but Billy and Zack still see their buddies as Muddies. Trini: We better run for help. Jason: That's the trouble with American's today. [Sudden patriotic music begins] They always need help. In the very heart of America, we rolled up our sleeves and used our own two hands to struggle and fend for ourselves. That's what really makes this place the Apple Pie of the world, and I think... Yiiigh! The rangers teleport for the command center. SCENE VIII: They're in the command center. Jason has a wicked frown on his face as he crosses his arms in disgust. Billy: Thanks, Zordon. Zordon: Any time. Alpha: What is your problem now? Billy: Well, Zack and I see the other rangers as Muddies. Alpha: That's funny, I don't. Ever heard of eye doctors? Billy conks Alpha on the head. Billy: Knock it off. Zack: What do we do? Zordon: Do you even care why your fellow friends look like dirtbags? Billy: Who knows? I bet it's because of those defective goggles Zack bought from the SWAMP meet. Zack: Who would've thought that they were possessed? Zordon: Would you guys just shut up for a minute? Zack: Okay. Zordon: Lord Bread... Jason: I hope he changes his name before the season is over. Zordon: ...anyway, Lord Bread used his X stick to turn them into possessed shades that make you think that your friends are muddies... Tommy: Bummer. Zordon: ...it's either that, or the Rangers decided to get a new look. Kimberly: Huh, I'm too vain to wanna look like a muddie. Zordon: It will be intensely difficult to remove the spell. Tommy: Bummer. Jason: I'm gonna slug you! Kimberly: Why do you keep saying "Bummer" over and over again? It's growing to become sickening. Tommy: Don't ask me. Ask Zordon. Trini: Apparently, the lame AB Writers got major writer's blockage when figuring out Tommy's lines. Zordon: No they didn't! Tommy is boring, so I gave him boring lines. So I figured no one would notice or care if he kept saying "Bummer" throughout the rest of this episode. Kimberly: Well we can't have him reciting `bummer' everyday. Zordon: We can't? Kimberly: No. Zordon: Tommy is stupid and disposable. Jason: Who cares? By the time this show is over, we'll be thrown in another rinse cycle of dumb jokes and life-threatening adventures. It's murder, I tells ya! Murder! Agh! Zordon: Anyway... The alarm sets off really loudly (we zoom to the volume level turned to 10)... Everyone covers their ears screaming. Alpha: Aye yi, yi, yi, yi... [Head spinning in a circle]. Billy kicks Alpha in the stomach and Alpha hugs his stomach in agony. Alpha: Hey, it took me three hours to get that part of my suit fixed. Billy: Really? What was fixed? Alpha: Don't be obnoxious, Blue. Kimberly: Who the hell turned up the volume for the Alarm?! Tommy: WHAT?! Zordon: Does anyone care that Salinguini is destroying everything? All: SALIN WHO? Zordon: Sal-lin-guini. Billy: He sounds like a Sizzler entr‚ reject. Zordon: Not really. He's part Iguana, part Linguini. See, he fires spaghetti sauce on its opponent until it burns through your suit and reveals your underpants. Trini, I strongly recommend you wear panties during this episode. Trini: Why? Zordon: If you get hit, you just might blind the audience. Trini: Not! Since all we do is swipe old "Zyu Stooges" Japanese footage, the only thing that will be revealed is some chubby dude in a yellow suit whose Polka-Dot boxer shorts will be seen. Zordon: Good point, very well. Kimberly: Horse-Butt. Trini: Hooker. Kimberly: Hussy. Trini: Night-Slut. Zordon: Listen, Billy, Zack, you two FIND a way to get rid of the spell and just throw together some device that will launch a 100,000 mega-ton tic-tac at the Salinguini Monster. I know you can do it, Billy. Billy: Is it the glasses that give it away? Zordon: Shut up and do as I say. Trini, you go with them. Trini: I am sick of always being Billy's partner. Why not Zack's? Zack: 'Cause then I'd puke on your blouse. Trini: How rude. Tommy: Bummer. Jason: But, what do WE do? Zordon: How should I know? Oh yes, according to the FOX Children's Network, you three get beat up by a mad posse of Muddies. Kimberly (sarcastically): Gee, we always seem to get the fun jobs. Zordon: All right, you goons, I gave you six a mission, and I expect you to carry them out properly. Alpha: Yeah, what he said. Zordon: Alpha, be quiet. Alpha: Yeah, what he said. Zordon: Ugh. Tommy, drink this. Tommy: What is it? Zordon: Brain juice. Tommy: Man, I had to have my stomach pumped because of drinking this stuff. Zordon: Your point exactly? Tommy: Nevermind. SCENE IX: The three rangers begin to just be constantly beat up by the mad muddies in the open plain. ---------- Meanwhile... Billy is frantically working fast with Zack to create a solution to their eyesight troubles and the monster. Billy: You know, we wouldn't even BE here trying to construct, not one, but TWO devices so we can stop seeing our pals as muddies if it wasn't for your idiotic idea for buying JUNK from the swap meet. Do you realize how many nights I have sweated in my bed thinking of Kimberly since I see her as a Muddie now?! Have you been detecting a pattern lately? Zack: Yes: you complain a lot. Billy: I should put your hand on my 50 gigawatt grill. Zack: Hahaha. What's that gunna do? Billy: Make it so you get that stupid spider hair-do inside three milliseconds. Zack: Ha! Big talk. Billy: Hows about we try it? Trini suddenly teleports into Billy's garage. Billy: Oh, it's just you. Trini: Ya know, you're getting FAR too used to this scenario. Okay, do I still look like a Muddie? Zack: What do you think? Trini: Well, this is just an experiment, but I'm gonna morph. Trini suddenly pulls out her morpher when all of a sudden Zack slams the doors shut, closes all the windows and pulls down all the nightshades and begins breathing heavily in fear. Zack: Are you stupid or something? You know Billy doesn't have any privacy in his room in this garage!! And even so, are you CRAZY?? Billy: I beg your pardon?? Zack: Well it's true, any time you have barrels lining your front lawn with a nuclear waste insignia painted on them, you could call attention from the entire country! Trini: Hey guys, I am here you know. Billy: Oh go on with it. Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Trini: Okay, how do I look? Billy: Fine, you're the Yellow Ranger (Zack: No kidding.) But you're still flat as a steam rolled pancake. Trini: Aww no. This suit wasn't pre-padded? Darn! Zack: I think it works. Let's morph. Billy: But wait a minute! I didn't check the... Zack: Majormess Billy: Tribladdertops ---------- Billy and Zack appear morphed into the middle of a battle in the beach. Salinguini: It's about time you idiots show up. Zack: Uh oh. Billy: You stupid moron! I have NO IDEA if this thing works or not! Zack: Does it matter? Our deaths has not been written in the contract, yet. Billy: Yeah, I'm bailing out BEFORE then. Zack: You have no choice. Afterall, I already quit this show. Saban owns you now. Billy: D'oh. Zack: Oh no! It's Salinguini. Suddenly, an Iguana with spaghetti noodles appears with an Italian accent. It's Salinguini. Salinguini: Mama meea, do you boys want ta try a little spaghetta? Zack: You're nothing but a lot of hot air. Salinguini: You're right, hot air cooked SPAGHETTI SAUCE, HAHAHAHAHA!! Billy: OH ugh! He's got my suit all dirty. Zack: This should teach you a lesson, you over-grown fermented plate of pasta! Zack tries to fire the unfinished tic-tac blaster of Billy's when it starts spitting out 200 pieces of double-mint chewing gum. Billy: I TOLD YOU it's not properly loaded. Zack: Well you should have checked first before telling us to morph! Billy picks up the machine and hits Zack on the head with it. Billy: I've had enough of you! Hey linguini head! If we lose the fight, would you eat Zack first? He's tastier and stupider! Zack: Hey, what's the big idea volunteering me as lunch meat? Billy: Oh, sorry, I was mistakening you for a living, thinking human being. Zack: Shut your fat face up. Billy: Fat face?? Well Mister Spider-head, what do you propose we do? Since you're the brainiac apparently. Salinguini: Do I even exist? Billy: Oh excuse me. Look, meathead; you fix this thing and I'll stall him. Zack: Hey, what does this thing do? Billy goes at Salinguini and throws him a punch. Salinguini picks up Billy and starts running around with him on top of him and then he drops Billy and he falls to the ground. Billy starts gasping when Salinguini slowly walks towards him and grabs him when the camera immediately zooms in on Zack. Zack: Oh no! Oh, that's gotta hurt. Billy (unseen): Not that! Anything but that! Ugh!! Zack: What do I do? What do I do? SCENE X: Meanwhile... The rangers are endlessly fighting the muddies. Jason: That's IT! I QUIT! Tommy: But you can't quit! Kimberly: Yeah, there are still muddies! Tommy: Wait a minute, we haven't kicked their pelvises. It's no WONDER we're not getting anywhere! Jason: I got a better idea, let's morph. Kimberly: This is pathetic, Zordon won't be very happy if we waste another super suit just to kick the muddies all around. Tommy: BarneyZord Kimberly: Pterodorky Jason: Trashosaurus A morphed Trini just runs into the scenario from out of no where and joins the Muddie fight. Jason: Where'd you come from? Jason begins doing a lot of super rad moves, each dodging every Muddie. Kimberly: Hey, you coward, why don't you kick one of them? Jason: I don't feel like it. Tommy: Seet eya!! Tommy jumps into the air and kicks a Muddie and backflips onto a tall rock-hill. Jason jumps from off of a hill and runs away. Kimberly: Coward! Tommy: Aw man, my powers. They're gettin' weak! Trini: Oh not that again. Tommy: Writers got sick of me again. ---------- Lord Bread: They think their puny little defenses can stop me?! Goldar: What are you gonna do now? Call ghost-busters? Lord Bread: That is not funny! I am unsure--right now the fight is as good as stalemated. But I will NOT accept that!! The rangers will pay soon! I'm going to make Salinguini grow! HAHAHAHAHA! Now what did I do with that banana peeling? Goldar: I think you lost it. Lord Bread: YOU LOST IT! FIND IT, GOLDAR! Goldar: Yes, master. Goldar drops down to his hands and knees and starts crawling around the ground looking for his banana-peeling. ---------- Meanwhile... Billy limps towards Zack, who has screw drivers and other tools scattered across the sand as he picks apart the Tic-Tac blaster, pondering what to do. Zack: Hm. Now I'm sure this is a gear. And this is a screw. Now I wonder where this springy thing goes? Billy: Zack, you are WORTH-LESS! Is this thing fixed yet? Zack: I don't even know what the problem is. Billy throws Zack out of the way and Zack lands a couple of inches behind Billy next to the ocean and Billy tries to fix it. Zack: Ya know, Bill; you have had a really stenchy attitude since this episode began. Billy: Well just cause your hormones were apparently surgically removed, doesn't mean I can't see my baby! Besides, you have no rights, Mr. "I'm too sexy for my shades." This thing should work now! Billy picks up his skinny tic-tac blaster and it cleans out Salinguini's sauce squirters. Salinguini: Oh mama meeya! You'll be made to pay for that-a!! ---------- Meanwhile... The rangers are still on the other side of the beach in that pointless Muddie fight specifically to involve the extra rangers in the story. Jason: Aye ya! Heee! Kimberly: This Muddie scene is going no where, let's get to Billy and Zack. Tommy: We always seem to know when they're in trouble. Kimberly: Actually, I just wanna see what's going on with them. This Muddie scene is the bomb. Trini: Hey, I didn't even get to show off my new move! Jason: Yeah, but ya see, that's just it, see, nobody cares. Now c'mon. They teleport to Billy and Zack. Billy: Thanks for showing up guys--for a minute I thought I was going to have to strangle Zack. Jason: You guys all right? Zack: Yeah, Billy got a slight kick in the bun, but that's it. Billy: Slight? I'll have you know that monstrosity nearly ripped up my suit and banged my entire body up against the side of a hill. My spine will be needing the assistance of a chiropractor immediately! Zack: Oh, you're such a cry-baby. Billy gets ready to deck Zack when the other rangers have to hold him back. Tommy: Easy now! Billy: Aw come on. This won't take too long, let me have my fun! Just one smack, that's all I ask! Jason: We need the Mega-Spitter! Zack: What for? Jason: I dunno. Zack: Power Axe! Kimberly: Power Bow! Trini: Power Daggers! Billy: Power Lance! Jason: Power Sword! Their weapons formulate the Mega-Spitter who fires laser-spit. Salinguini: Aww man, this is too much!! You'll pay for this! Just as soon as Lord Bread gets his scene back! ---------- We take a shot of Lord Bread's empty palace when Lord Bread's head suddenly rises into the screen as he bends back up with his evil "Make My Monster Grow" banana peeling. Lord Bread: HA! Found it! Take this, Pathetic Rangers!! Suddenly, Goldar just appears behind Lord Bread in a stock footage shot as he throws down a BASEBALL instead of the banana peeling because we picked the wrong stock footage shot. ---------- Salinguini: I bet you can't destroy me now that I'm big! Jason: I'll bet I can. Salinguini: I'll bet you won't... Jason: Oh yeah? Zack: Just call for BlunderZord power already? Jason: Oh all right, Ranger KillJoy. We need BlunderZord Power Now! Zack: Majormess/Cowardly Lion BlunderZord Power is what I want, heh-heh. Kimberly: Pterodorky/TiredBird BlunderZord Power Billy: Tribladdertops/Acorn BlunderZord Power Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat/Muffin BlunderZord Power Jason: Trashosaurus/Red-Spinal Column BlunderZord Power The BlunderZords arrive in their stock footage of each BlunderZord crashing into everything. Jason: Okay, let's see what this baby can do! Suddenly, BlunderZord starts malfunctioning again then kicks back online. Kimberly: Don't worry, Jas', this is to be expected. Trini: It seems to me we can't do a thing without the BlunderSavor. Jason: Right, let's slice this rotten entre! The inevitable occurs and BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord's eyes light up and he gets out his BlunderSavor. Salinguini: Wait a minute! I only got 3 scenes! Yaaaaah!! {PLOW! KA-BLAMMY! KABOOM!} That's the end of Salinguini. Don't worry, kids. It's almost over. ---------- Lord Bread: I am FED-UP!! These rangers make me SICK! Daaah!! Goldar: Welp, as Wile E. Coyote once said, back to the old drawing board. SCENE XI: Kimberly is seen standing around in homely maternity-wear in the classroom of Miss Appleweed's. Billy and Zack have cups next to each other containing the antidote to Lord Bread's spell. Jason: Billy, be careful. Miss Appleweed's really been in a bad mood for the past six months. Billy: But we gotta drink this. Otherwise, we'll be terrified in class all day long! Zack: So are we gonna drink it? Billy: Well, as Cleopatra said to all her lovers: sure, why not? Cheers. Zack: Yeah, whatever. They drink it down and the rangers start to look normal again. Billy: Ahh, what a relief. Kimberly: Gee Jason, I hope I don't get in trouble for what I was wearing yesterday. Billy: Wh, wha, wha, wha, what were you wearing? Kimberly: Oh just a pair of sexy capri pants about 2 sizes smaller than my regular size. Billy: WHAT????? Aaaaahh!! Billy's eyes fold up and he faints and falls out of his chair again. Trini: He could get a headache from that. Tommy: Bummer. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises Kimberly is in an extra [CENSORED] mood because Trini's collected a pack of boring senior convent ladies to join her stupid illegal book club at Ernie's Junk Food Bar... Billy: What's with the display of make-chics-look-like-they're-naked clothes? Kimberly: Well, the Costume Designer ordered too many bike-pants, leggings, capri-leggings, etc..., etc... So, I'd thought I'd make some new friends by getting some girls together to wear this stuff. Billy: Yeah, but what's the point? Everybody'll look like you. Kimberly: Nope, I put holes in these. Billy: If they ever figure that out, they'll kill you, you do realize that. Kimberly: No they wont. Billy: Why? Kimberly: I'm the most popular girl in Angel Grave. Billy: Then why hasn't anybody showed up? Kimberly: That's what I'd like to know. ...Kimberly's most unexpected secret admirer, Lord Bread, decides that putting her in an even worse mood will bring himself closer to her!! (Disgusting, isn't it?) Lord Bread: Easy, I'll send down an inconspicuous muddie to look like anybody else and replace her cactus plant with a poisoned cactus plant that will make her jealously explode out of control. Meanwhile, I am going to formulate out of thin air the Broom of Doom! Goldar: Forgive me for questioning you, oh decomposing one, but what does a broom have to do with the running plot of botany? Lord Bread: Do not ask me questions in which I have not rehearsed to respond to! Or I shall force you to do something! Can the rangers defeat the Broom of Doom? Will you throw a book at the TV for hearing me ask another dumb question? Does Amy Jo Johnson think she's too good for playing a cranky old geezer for "Pathetic Rangers" and join "Melrose Place" and destroy Heather Locklear's career? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!