Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Welcome to the V.I.N.N.I.E. Island" Parody of, "Welcome to Venus Island" SCENE I: Tommy, Trini and Kimberly are at the beach on a cloudy day with some goofy looking kid (who's Trini's niece, courtesy rent-a-relative services, named Halle) kneeling making a sand castle. Kimberly: Did we have to take Happy with us? Halle: For the third time, my name is Halle. Kimberly: Yeah, whatever. Trini: She's my neice. Kimberly: She is. Well, what happened to Sylvia? Trini: She quit. Jason: No kidding, she didn't even get an end credit on the show. Trini: That's why she quit. Kimberly: Well since you haven't told her about those THINGS women have on top their chests, I have to wear this filled out bathing suit and it's killing me. I was hoping to wear my thong bikini, since I'm rarely on a beach scene on this dumb show. Trini: Well you can rip off your shirt and stroll down the beach for all I care. Kimberly: Hey thanks. Kimberly pulls apart the laces in her bathing suit and it drops around her waist hanging off her cut-off jeans and all that's seen is her back when this nice looking guy passes Kimberly. Guy: I am the coast-guard, and I, aye yi yi! We cut to an above-nipple shot of Kimberly deceptivly looking at the Coast Guard. Kimberly: Yes? Guy: DUH, youuuuuuu hhhhaaaave to weeeear, sommmmething. Kimberly (senuously): I do? Guy: Deee... The coast-guard faints onto the beach. Trini: Hey, Kim; that was supposed to be my get-a-horny-look guy! Do you have to steal ALL MY GUYS?! Kimberly: Um, yeah. Jason: Oh pull up your bathing suit. Kimberly: Sure, but not 'cause you said so, because Bean and Wool are here. Tommy: Hey Kim, can I borrow some of your sand? I am trying to finish this sand thing of when I clank my morpher on Alpha's head. Kimberly: Go right ahead. Bulk and Skull jump out from behind a changing stall with paper plates strapped around their chest and knees hopping around like apes with a serious itch. Bulk: Hehehehe, there are a pair of lamers now, if we come out like, uhhh, Spud, no Cud, no that's not it. Oh well you know them, they'll morph and destroy us. Skull: That would be possible if they felt a need to morph when seeing muddies. Furthermore, who would believe us? We have a ski mask on with holes in it, and a paper platter on our bellies with a giant M on it. Bulk: Doesn't matter, the Rangers are probably jelly heads anyway. Skull: Yeah, but then, how can they save the world? Bulk: Skull, we're partners, DON'T MAKE ME HIT YOU!! Now do as I say. Kimberly: Oh, don't tell me I have to fight these goons in my bathing suit? Tommy: Hey, airhead--it's Bulk and Skull, remember? You just said that's why you're not going around topless. Bulk and Skull, in an attempt to act like the muddies, end up smashing a kid's sand-castle. Jason: Hahhahaha {Cough, Cough}, that's the stupidest thing I've seen in my entire life! Hahahaha Tommy: Yeah, hahahahaha, it's almost like when you were, hahahah, born! Jason: Yeah, hahahahahaha, [Pause], huh? Kimberly: Honestly guys, what are you doing? Bulk: We're mud, cudd, uhhh weird and ugly monsters! Trini: You got the ugly part right. Kid: Hey get out, you fat frog face, you just wrecked my sand castle, you dork! Get out! Bulk: Ahhhh! Hmmp! We'll find the Pathetic Rangers if it takes me all my life! Skull: Yeah! Jason: Why did the AB Writers give them this little obstacle to figure out? Tommy: Because Bulk and Skull's salary was starting to go unearned. So therefore, they're giving them this stupid pursuit because they have no life. Jason: Well I hope it goes away soon, I'm tired of going threw pairs of underwear after the end of every episode for fear of them finding out who I am. Trini: By the way, why are you here? Jason: I'm not supposed to have fun on the beach? Trini: Uh, no. Go away. Jason drops his sandpail and stomps off. Halle: Trini, when are we gonna have fun? All we've done is go swimming, make sandcastles, meet new guys, eat best-cooked hot-dogs and that's it! I'm tired! Trini: Gee, I'd hit you if you weren't family. So shut up and enjoy the trip. Man, this kid's more annoying than Zack. Tommy: Do you smell something? Kimberly: Yeah, smell's like something burning. Trini: Yeah, a lot like some meat cooking. Tommy: Oh, must be Lord Bread; apparently he thinks our scene has been going way too long, time to switch. Trini: 'Kay. Kimberly: I can't wait to change clothes again! SCENE II: Lord Bread is sitting in his chair with some furry pet he's scratching. Goldar: Hey Bread, you stole that style from Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget. Lord Bread: Would you rather me kick you in the butt some'more? Goldar: No. Lord Bread: Good. I'm thinking that maybe the reason why your plans fail me [Baboo: Our plans??] is because they're too complex. How's about we kidnap that spoiled, pesty girl... Goldar: I'll do it! Lord Bread: No way! You're too dumb! Goldar: But you can't do this to me! Techinically [lifting from out of an unknown pocket in his chest a contract] I am legally contracted to a fight and or kidnapping. Lord Bread: Forget it! Goldar: Oh please! Free me, let me do it! I need air!! I've been in here forever! Please give me the task!! Lord Bread: Okay okay okay okay! Just stop degrating yourself, you're making me look bad and we're on camera! Goldar: OH, okay. Lord Bread: Anyway, I'm going to send down The Abominable Motor-Mouth down so he'll kidnap the rangers, drain Tommy's powers again, and talk them into shock. Hahahahaha, this should work! Goldar: Can I kidnap the kid now!?!?! Lord Bread: Oh yes, just don't look so energetic! Those pusy Rangers mock my Muddies, but they wont be so calm with an Abominable Motor-Mouth trapping them inside his guts to make him listen to his love life heartbreak stories! SCENE III: Goldar fizzes into the beach scene (and suddenly, nobody notices). Goldar: Hahahaaha, thought you saw the end of me??! Hahahahaha, well no! Tommy: Oh not you again, are you going to say another obnoxious line? Goldar: I was hoping to, but Lord Bread finally let me out, and I'm going to do my worst! I'm going to kidnap Halle in the most ruthless, evil, vicious, most violent way! Goldar lures Trini's niece Halle by whipping out a lollipop. Goldar: Here you go, come with me, here's a lollipop. Halle: Uh uh, no way. It'll take a lot more than that to do me in. Goldar whips out an additional sucker. Halle: Hey thanks. Trini: Oh that's low. Goldar: See, I told you! Hahahahahaha, come with me and I'll drain your essence. Tommy: Thought the sugar was going to do a good enough job of that. Kimberly: Well we can't just let him take her . . . -- we've gotta get our pompoms and cheer 'em! Trini: No, in our contract of The Institution and Department of Processing of Contracts for the Good-Guy Role In a Children's Daytime Entertaining Program, the good-guy is entitled to... Kimberly: I hate this formal crap. Trini: The good guy has to rescue any or all persons kidnapped by the bad guy, who has their own contract to explain every evil plan up their sleeve. Kimberly: Sure, great, now what? Trini: Well, we've gabbed long enough for Goldar to take the girl, we gotta save her. Tommy: Didn't sound like a fanatic about it. SCENE IV: Lord Bread's place. Lord Bread: What?!?!? For ONCE I thought you had a brain, but now I see I should make you into SOUP! I hope you're happy, because I WISH that whatever rock you were born under, you'd crawl back under it and it would fall down on yer head and your brains would squish right out of your nose! Goldar: What did I do wrong this time? Lord Bread: I told you to get the rangers!!! Goldar: But you said the girl... Lord Bread: I can't trust you at all! Now I'm going to have to rely on this Woody Allen monster who won't stop talking, I hope it drives the rangers into total shock! Goldar: Maybe, but I'm sure you'd do the trick. Lord Bread: Would you like to taste this X stick down your mouth? Goldar: No. Lord Bread: Then shut up, before I expose your vital organs to the floor. Goldar: Okay, okay! Lord Bread: Good! SCENE V: Kimberly and the rest run up to Billy's place where Billy's teaching Jason his times tables. Billy: Get the idea? Jason: Oh, 3 times 3 is 6, right? Billy: Let's start from the beginning. Kimberly: Something awful has just happened! Billy: You forgot to change out of your bra? Kimberly: Oh yeah, thanks, wait one moment; just wait right here. Kimberly goes off screen and a bra lands in Billy's arms. Kimberly: Okay, better? Billy: Perfect. Trini: Back to things that matter, my niece, Halle, has been kidnapped! Zack: So? Trini: Weren't you around when I clearly stipulated the contract regarding superheroes? Or do I have to say it again?! Trini slowly pulls out the folded up agreement from out of her shirt. Zack: Okay, okay; forget it! Billy: So what does this have to do with anything? Trini: We'll find out in about 7 seconds. . . . . . . . The rangers get paged... Jason: What are we going to do now, Zordon? Zordon: Teleport. Tommy: Why? Zordon: To observe the viewing globe. Kimberly: Where? Zordon: In the Command Center. You know, if we have to do that again--I'm going to throw a fit. Billy: We're sure you will. Now what is the problem? Alpha: Lord Bread wants to make Halle evil and at the same time entrap you by sending down a Venus Flytrap crossed with Woody Allen's script writers which is: The Abominable Motor-Mouth. Tommy: Sure thing, Alpha. But there is one thing that doesn't make sense. Why would Lord Bread want to make Halle evil? I mean, isn't she doing a fine enough job as it is now? Zordon: Let me correct Alpha, brainwash her into using her evil for Lord Bread's plans. Listen, this would be a lot easier if you were to Teleport. Kimberly: Why? Zordon: To observe... oh forget it. Suddenly, all the Rangers are teleported away. SCENE VI: The rangers are in the Command Center. Jason: That was rude. Zordon: Whatever. Anyhow; Halle has been bolted onto a boulder someplace on an unstable island that has never been before charted by all the great sea explorers of the Atlantic Ocean. The V.I.N.N.I.E. Island. Billy: Wait, there is a plot hole here so big, you could drive a truck through it. How come it's called V.I.N.N.I.E. Island? Alpha: V.I.N.N.I.E. means: Verbally Impaired Nitwit Numbskulls Into Euphoria. Kimberly: This is Booorrring! Billy: I'll be right back...... Billy grabs Kimberly and they walk off-screen when we start hearing massive breathing and gasping, they walk back on the set. Alpha: Took you long enough. Kimberly (obnoxiously): Mind your own business, water heater. Zordon: Let me just cut to the plot. The island is highly unstable and unless you get there before the show ends, it will surely explode and Halle will be no more. Trini: This would be easier if I were her mom. SCENE VII: Billy is making a gadget out of an old Remote Controller and an Angel Grave Fair Balloon out on the cloudy day beach. Jason: Billy, what are you doing? Billy: Hey, you should know--you're the great big plot leak. Zack: Hey, Egghead; what are you doing anyway? Trini: He's making a device to locate where Halle is. Billy: Alpha's got the equipment back at the Command Center to track where this Balloon is going to go. Later...Trini, Billy and Jason are standing on the side of a mountain at near dusk. Billy: We're ready to go. How much time left? Jason: 10 minutes. Billy: Great, I'll just make just a couple of adjustments and we'll be done. . . . . . . . 9 minutes later. . . . . . . Jason: HURRY UP, BILLY! Billy: Just one more thing and we're done. UH OH. Trini: "Uh oh?" Whaddya mean: `uh oh'? Billy: It seems that I have miscalculated the weight of the chewing gum--I'm going to need a heavier source. Jason frantically searches for something heavier and grabs Trini's hair-band and attatches it to the balloon. Trini: Hey! My mother gave me that! Billy: Your mom gives you too much junk. Jason: Besides, it was makin' you look like a Quaker. Billy: Maybe it'll work. Billy releases the balloon into the air and as it's in the air, it promptly pops. Billy: Great! Now we'll never find Halle. Jason: We best better do this scene all over again. ===================== Later...Trini, Billy and Jason are standing on the side of a mountain at near dusk. Billy: We're ready to go. How much time left? Jason: 10 minutes. Billy: Great, I'll just make just a couple of adjustments and we'll be done. . . . . . . . 9 minutes later. . . . . . . Jason: HURRY UP, BILLY! Billy: Just one more thing and we're done. UH OH. Trini: "Uh oh?" Whaddya mean: `uh oh'? Billy: It seems that I have miscalculated the weight of the chewing gum--I'm going to need a heavier source. Jason: Trini, your pants; now... Trini: Huh?! Jason: THIRTY SECONDS! Trini: But I'm not wearing any underpants! Billy: Nevermind. Billy sinks his hand down Trini's short Yellow T-Shirt and yanks out a strapless yellow bra. Trini: Uh? Billy ties it to the device and lets it go. Billy: There. Jason: 1 second. Trini: I don't appreciate some hairy old hand going down my shirt. Jason: You enjoyed it. Trini (playfully): Yeah, actually--I hadn't had anybody......what am I saying!??!?! Billy: She's delerious, let's teleport. ...at the command center. Alpha: We found her. She's in the middle of the island. Zack: Let's move. SCENE VIII: Trini and the other rangers run up to the middle of the island where they find the Abominable Motor-Mouth -- a Woody Allen looking monster that has a Venus Flytrap body, but talks too much. Trini: There she is. Abominable Motor-Mouth (with a Woody Allen-like Voice): Hi guys, oh don't laugh--I was born this way. Listen, have you ever had one of those days when... All the rangers scream. Trini: Oh no. Kimberly: Look, it's the Abominable Motor-Mouth! Jason: It's SERIOUSLY Morphin Time! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterydorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat Jason: Trashosaurus Jason: Let's get 'em guys. All: Right. Abominable Motor-Mouth: Let me tell you about the time when my pet hamster died. Oh boy, was that a killer. We played with him all day long, of course, except when I had to have my daily weed killer check-up appointment. See, since I was always working in the yard, I had to occasionally spray my garden with highly-toxic weed killers. That reminds me of an awful time when my Uncle Louis accidentally sprayed himself with the stuff and it was just simply horrifying how his [Pathetic Rangers Talk Here]-> external organs were just swelling up like they were being flooded with pus. Oh golly, oh then, when my hamster died--my mother tried to convince me it was due to my relationship with Nia Sparrow, I didn't believe my mother but when I saw Nia dating Rabbit, I knew something went wrong, but of course..... The Rangers are on their knees holding their helmets. Jason: Agh! Ugh! Zack: Make it stop! Make it stop, make it Stop! Make it stop -- make it... Kimberly: Trini: A.M.M: ...which would explain how come I threw up in my lap when I took a trip to Spokane, Washington. The food they serve there is great but it gives you one sickly case of indigestion... Billy: We've got to get away from this beast and re-group! Jason: Agreed! God, he's sickening! Kimberly: And I thought nobody could sound worse than Trini. A.M.M: Aw, you don't like it? Perhaps I can keep you around long enough to hear the end. : A-heh, A-heh, A-heh, A-heh heh heh heh. The Abominable Motor-Mouth opens up his jacket and four of the rangers, excluding Trini end up inside listening to his voice echoing throughout the chamber. SCENE IX: Trini teleports back to the command center and finds Tommy already morphed without his helmet on, Trini jerks her neck back wondering why he's already morphed. Tommy: Forget it, it's just another major plot-hole that trademarks this as a Saban Entertainment program. Zordon: Status Report. Trini: This poor excuse for a Woody Allen bullhorn is talking the Rangers into insanity. What will we do? Tommy: I know, I'll just go out there and save them. Zordon: But Tommy, your..... Trini: Before we go through that gut-wrenching series of lines, YOU don't even know how to set them free and destroy the monster. Alpha: I'm here you know. Zordon: Well act like it. How do you destroy him? Alpha: Apparently, the problem with The Motor-Mouth is that he doesn't listen to anything; so when he talks, he just goes on for infinity. The only thing he can hear is himself. Fortunately, he can not stand the sound of his own voice when it isn't coming from him. Tommy: I hate riddles. Trini: That's not a riddle! Alpha's telling us to get together a tape recording of his voice and play it back so he'll come un-zipped. Tommy: Oh man. Trini: That's good news, Tommy! Sheesh, anyway--I'm going in. Tommy: No, you'll get creamed. Alpha: Techinically, she is a Pathetic Ranger. Tommy: Well, I'm going with her. Trini and Tommy hug and are about to kiss... Zordon & Alpha: Spew!! Trini: Mind your own business. Zordon: Um, Trini--stay in character. Tommy, uh...um...uh...you're stupid... Tommy: ...and disposible; yeah, I get the picture. Zordon: So, let the power protect you, and good luck, Tommy. SCENE X: Trini and Tommy show up with a microcasstte recording of The Abominable Motor-Mouth, rewind the tape at audible high-speed and play it back: (Recording): A.M.M.: Let me tell you about the time when my pet hamster died... The Abominable Motor-Mouth: No...!!! Jason punches through his gut and the Rangers come flying out onto the ground covered in goo. Zack: How many times have I told you two not to make out while we're in battle? Billy & Kimberly: Sorry. Trini and Tommy assemble the Mega-Weenie and blow him to smitherines. SCENE XI: Lord Bread: Great. Another PERFECT scheme, RIGHT DOWN THE TOILET and it's . . . all YOUR fault! Goldar: Before you start considering inhumane punishments--think about the girl--you've still got her barbequeing on the grill. SCENE XII: The Rangers run back into the cave on the island while it's beginning to break up. Trini uses her blade blaster and blasts the lock right off the cell bars. Jason: That wasn't in the script. Tommy: Nothing ever is. Halle: ...so how 'bout some more fun? Trini: Shut up and come with us. SCENE XIII: Lord Bread: So--as you were saying, Goldar? Goldar: Uh oh. Lord Bread: TO YOUR PAINROOMS AND NOW!!! SCENE XIV: Bulk is in the Junk Food Bar where all the rangers (ironically being the only people in the bar that are always standing in unison like they're glued to the hip) are sitting at a table. Bulk is standing next to a "French" artist, who's being payed to draw a picture of the Pathetic Rangers, based on extreme interrogation of Trini's niece. Bulk: Okay, frenchy, I'm paying you to draw--understand? Look-a-like French Artist: Oui, Oui. <-(Wee Wee). Ernie: DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, SKULL! Bulk: All we need is that girl who was there when The Pathetic Rangers were fighting. Zack: We should hand over Halle anyway, I personally can't stand hearing her weezing of which she calls breathing. Jason: Okay, but if you blabs our names, you wont live long enough to know if you've ever stopped being a virgin. Zack: Yo yo yo, cool it man--chill. What are you tryin' to do? Tell the world? Jason: Just did, we're on the FAUX network. Halle: ...the Yellow Ranger had a huge bottom and the Pink Ranger had enormous hooters and a really immature voice. The Green one had long brown hair, hazel eyes, he was very muscular. Had a sissy yet calm, but tough voice and had a three and a half inch penis. Tommy: HEY now! I never said... Jason puts his hand on Tommy's mouth. Jason: Shut up! Bulk: Got that, Frenchy? Frenchy: Oui, Oui. Bulk: Forget about it, Ernie. Anyhow, PEOPLE!! ATTENTION PEOPLE. The entire JunkFood Bar starts groaning and moaning saying things like, "Oh what." Bulk: This picture will reveal to you THE TRUE identity of The Pathetic Rangers. Jason is cracking his fingers getting ready to kill Zack. Bulk turns around a picture and it's stick figure drawings and Happy Faces. Bulk: What happened? Frenchy (Brooklyn/Bronx Voice): Eh, you didn't pay me nuttin' but peanuts, if you wanted something more life-like you should've payed me, say, Five Hundred Bwucks. Skull: Get outta here. Bulk: You'll never draw in this town again! Con-Man Artist: Who says I was? I'm on a route. Seeya. Jason: Zack, you'll be washing my underwear. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Kimberly decides that she's smart enough to do something other than pleasing cheap guys by displaying her coconuts and decides to take up playing the guitar! Kimberly: Can you help me? I need you to help me write my lyrics. Do you remember when you sang that song to Sandwhicha? Zack: I'll surely think of something, Kimberly. By the way, why do you take up these stupid hobbies anyway? Kimberly: Because I'm a written character and the AB Writers are lamers; I can be a car mechanic, and it wouldn't matter. ...Meanwhile, Lord Bread is not one for music, but one for mayhem and decides to fowl up the good mood by creating a monster known as Ritardo, an insult to the music industry, who thinks he can play the guitar, but he really can't, and is driving the rangers insane with his awful, un-tuned guitar tunes!... Ritardo (singing): One Monday Evening (da da do dee da), I was turned alive (da da do dee da), I'll wipe out you rangers (da da do dee da), make you look like chives (da da do dee da). You'll be sorry you met me (da da do dee da), cause I'm just a jerk (da da do dee da), My guitar's outta tune (da da do dee da), and it'll make you go insane (da da da da da da da), I'm bad to the bone! Trini: Oh not that song! I hear it on Married...With Children, every day!! Zack: Agh! It's like Jon Bon Jovi is making a comeback... Will the rangers ever listen to music again because of this dreadful monster? Will he fail Lord Bread like the last 45 monsters have failed the bad guy? Is it possible that I will stop asking stupid questions, you already know the answers to? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!