Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "The Gut-Wrinching Tunes of Ritardo" Parody of, "The Song of Guitardo" SCENE I: Kimberly is wasting time in Ernie's Junk Food Bar (as usual, the place that often times appears to be the Pathetic Rangers' house) with a giant guitar in her arms, and she's struming on the guitar the song of "The Sign," by Ace of Base. When Zack walks along with his hair shaved down to nicks and naps. Kimberly: Hi, Zack; gee, why do you look like a tazmanian devil gave you a haircut? Zack: I like this hairdo. Makes me look more manly. Kimberly (sarcastically): Sure, I and I really can play the guitar. Not that I can't. Zack: Yeah sure, so what song are you working on? Kimberly: Well I've made it. But I can't seem to make the perfect lyrics. See it goes a little like this: [Kimberly begins singing while playing music to the tune of Ace Of Base's "The Sign"] I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes, and I am happy now living without you, and I... hmmmm... SCENE II: Lord Bread is in his dumpyard palace, seething. Lord Bread: Agh, we've got to destroy those rangers and especially Pink Ranger AND FAST! Goldar: Why? Lord Bread: Since my iron underpants were welded onto my crotch, it hurts whenever I get turned on. Goldar: Um......nevermind--what do your perverted and twisted hormones have to do with Kimberly murdering that song? Lord Bread: Simple, since Kimberly plays like hell, I'm going to make a monster that plays bad CD's from the 60's. Goldar: But CD's didn't come out until the 1990's. We're in the year of 5042. Lord Bread: Good point, well, Ritardo is the perfect monster! He's retarded and his guitar is never in tune! Hahahaha, plus, he's NEVER taken a guitar lesson in his LIFE! Goldar: Keen. But a guitar can't do anything, this PLOT is stupid, it'll go up in smoke! Lord Bread: How would you like me to clean your mouth out with Ajax cleanser? Goldar: That wouldn't be suiting. Lord Bread: GOOD! Now shut up, his music playing is so terrible that it could do awful, dispicable, most unspeakable things to the rangers. Goldar: Like? Lord Bread: Well, they'll levitate against their will--that's what! Goldar: This is gunna be a bigger bomb since "Last Action Hero." Lord Bread: What did you say, whimpylocks!?!?! Goldar: Nothing, nothing at all, oh annoying one. SCENE III: Kimberly (singing): ...and I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes, and I am happy now living without you, I've left you now, uh huhah...what do you think? Zack: Keen. Kimberly: I dedicate it to Tommy. Zack: Eh? Kimberly: Can you help me? I need you to help me write my lyrics. Do you remember when you sang that song to Sandwhicha? Zack: Yeah... Trini: Pleeeze, and you didn't see Luther Vandross behind the... Zack muffles Trini's mouth with his hand. Zack: Now now, Trini! You REALLY need to see a therapist about that compulsive LYING. It's not your scene anyway. Trini: Yeah, whatever. Zack: I'll surely think of something, Kimberly. By the way, why do you take up these stupid hobbies anyway? Kimberly: Because I'm a written character and the AB Writers are lamers; I can be a car mechanic, and it wouldn't matter. Zack: Rad. Let's go. We have that picnic to go to. Kimberly: Yeah -- [short pause] what picnic? Zack: The one down in the park of Angel Grave. Kimberly: Oh, that clears it up. Maybe you and I could take the opportunity to help me write the rest of my song. Billy: Oh by the way, Zack, for some friendly advice; if any part of your body makes any sort of discernible contact with Kimberly's, I'll break your fingers right of your hands; Understand? Zack nods nervously. Billy: Good, have a nice day. Zack: Yo yo yo yo! I get it man, I get it, I get it! 'sides, I have no interest in females--I love my hands. Kimberly: Now about that song... Kimberly gets up and trips over her guitar and accidentally hurts her leg. Zack: Oh, I'll get that for you. Zack starts rubbing on Kimberly's leg. Billy is ready to hurt Zack. Kimberly: Don't worry Conan, Zack wasn't doing anything. Ya know, if you crush his bones 'til they cave in, he won't be able to finish my song. Billy: Oh. Say your prayers, Knot-head! Kimberly: Heel, Billy! You're mistaken if you think I'm that kind of a girl. SCENE IV: At the picnic in the park... We take a zoom in of Jason taking a big bite out of one of Kimberly's sandwiches. We pull out to see him chewing it up when he stops, makes a strange face and his mouth fills with vomit and he spits the mush out. He drops the sandwich and hugs his stomach in pain. Jason: Ugh, I feel sick. Billy: Why? Jason: I ate this really weird sandwhich. It was a little dusty, and green. Kimberly: Oh, I made that Peanut Butter, Mustard and Syrup sandwhich a week ago, I'm sorry. Jason: SORRY?? Do you know how SICK this is going to make me?! Kimberly: Hey, don't have a cow, man. Jason: You'll pay for this inhumanity. Billy: No, you will, see, you, me and Zack get the least of lines this episode. Jason: That sucks. Tommy: Yeah, not for me, I'm still draining like beef grease on a hot grill. Kimberly: Don't worry, I'll make a song about you! Tommy: Oh gawd no! Please don't do this to me. Kimberly: I don't know that one. Tommy: Oh brother. Suddenly, that cute, hunky anonymous teenager strolls passed Trini. Trini (nebulously): Hi there. Hunky Dude: Who were you again? Trini: I'm Trini. Hunky Dude: Whiney? Trini: Oh, he touched me. Hunky Dude: Listen, I'd love to stick around and eat your decomposed canned goods, but I have to play with my much cooler, non-secluded friends. Kimberly: You're just a sleaze-bag. Hunky Dude: You're all stupid doody-faces. Jason: Go ta hell! Jason throws his can of soup and the guy. Hunky Dude: {Clank!} Ouch! Jason: That felt good. Meanwhile... Off in the bushes, Skull is dressed in some pink outfit with long curly blonde hair, looking like the ugliest princess ever born, but someone who looks like their place is in the year 1400. Bulk is wearing some ripped up monster costume he threw on. Skull: Alright, what do I do? Bulk: Just run around, screaming. Skull: Screaming about you? You're just a fat slobby toad. Bulk: I know, but I'm trying to find out who the Pathetic Rangers are. Skull: Couldn't we get a new hobby that's safer like Bull-Fighting or Lion Taming? Bulk: Can't you see we'll be rich? Skull: Rich for what? The only people that'll get paid are the Pathetic Rangers. Bulk: Good point; but still, really, do I have a storyline anymore than to be gross and get pies thrown at me? Skull: In that case, HELP! EEEE (Screech) EWWW! SOMEBODY, Like HELP! EEE! Trini: Someone's in trouble. Jason: Or someone's strangling chickens. Zack: We better go check this out. Kimberly: Like, it's just Bulk and Skull. I know! I'll make a song about em! [She whips out her guitar and starts singing these lyrics to the tune of "Hush Little Baby"]: We are gross and we don't care, cause our brains are made of air. We're a pair a lamers two, 'cause we do not wear no shoes. Ta da! Trini: I'd like to grab that guitar and ram it down her mouth. Kimberly: Huh? Trini: Oh nothing. Jason: Do you think we should rescue that holloring ugly in the woods? Trini: Sure why not? The rangers go running after the scream sounds. Jason: Oh, it's just Bulk and Skull. Kimberly: I think they've really flipped now. Skull: Do you goons think this is some kind of fashion statement? Jason: That was my first impression. Bulk: Well it's not, we're trying to find out who the Pathetic Rangers are. Tommy: Oh well if you are, there will be one missing soon. Bulk: How do you know? Tommy: I just know. Skull: Shut up! Jason: You shouldn't cry wolf. Skull: I'm not crying, and my name's not wolf. Jason: No: cry help when you don't need any. Zack: Yeah, 'cause then nobody will believe you when there is real danger. Tommy: Yeah, it was the 3 inch thick book we were assigned to read, "The Boy Who Cried Golf." Billy: Isn't it "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"? Bulk: Yeah. Well, get a life, 'cause we're gonna find the Pathetic Rangers. Tommy: Look who's talkin'. Skull: Imagine those geeks? Thinking we were crying wolf. Hehehehe, when obviously there is no wolf around. SCENE V: Lord Bread is in his loveseat impatiently waiting, tapping his fingers. Lord Bread: When is Finster going to finish my monster? Goldar: Uhhhh, Finster doesn't make your monsters anymore, he just bakes bread. Lord Bread: Oh, almost forgot. Goldar: Yeah, the memory does tend to fade when there's no skull protecting your brain cells. Lord Bread: Goldar, this is gonna hurt you more than it's gonna hurt me -- and that's a GOOD thing. Lord Bread roughly whisks and whips Goldar's face with his X-stick. Lord Bread: Squatt, give me your napsack. Squatt: I'd love to but it's bolted onto my hip. Lord Bread: I need a termite that eats wood so I can make my new monster! Lord Bread twirls his X-Staff and zaps a tree when a huge termite shows up. Then, he zaps Kimberly's more than too big guitar into a demented metal-saw guitar. Ritardo: Hey? Where's my guitar? Where's my juice? Lord Bread: You don't get that until you've succesfully scared the pants off of the rangers! Ritardo: That's gonna be a little hard when I have a rubber costume on. Lord Bread: Just shut up and do as I say! Go down there and antagonize the rangers! Ritardo: Yes, sir! SCENE VI: Bulk and Skull are still running around like clowns until Skull slows down in the middle of the park. Skull: Man, Bulk; we gotta stop. Bulk: We ARE NOT stopping until we lure the rangers into revealing their identities! Skull: Hey, ya know Bulk, with that attitude, I could quit, then you would never be able to find the Pathetic Rangers. Ya know, I could threaten to leave, so you better start treating me with some respect! Bulk: You have to have no self-respect to put on a princess costume. Skull: Yeah, you're right. But I'm tired. Skull drops to the grass ground. Bulk: Alright, I guess we can rest a little bit, but first I've gotta get this stupid thing off. Bulk tries to get off his costume, but it won't budge. Skull: What's the matter now?!?! Bulk: I can't get it off! Help me! Skull: Oh alright. Skull gets up and helps him when Ritardo appears and goes at them. Bulk: Ahhhhhh!!! Let's get outta here! Skull: Why? He's made of rubber. Bulk: It's called acting. Skull: Oh, yeah, YAAAA!!!! Ritardo: I love my work! SCENE VI: Zordon: Hmmm, the morphin grid indicates something's wrong. Yes. I finally get to pick on the rangers once again. Alpha: Aye yi yi! Zordon: Would you cut that out? Your annoying yelling has increased since the season began. Alpha: Sorry, but you haven't had maitenance done to me in 2 years, the day this stupid show premiered. Zordon: I hate it when you're right, just get the rangers, wouldja? Alpha: Fine with me. At the picnic... Jason goes at his steak with his fork and the fork lifts it from the plate, when Zordon beeps them. Jason: What is it, Zordy? Jason flicks on the communicator after he says that. Kimberly: I think you turn on the communicator, then talk. Jason: I knew that! What do you take me for? Some kind of dummy? Tommy: Uhhh... Jason: Don't answer that. What is it, Zordy? Zordon: Don't call me that. Jason: Sure, what are ya gonna do about it? Zordon: Take your power. Jason: Yeah, then you can be bored for the next 10,000 years. Zordon: No, I can simply re-hire the 90210 cast. Kimberly: He's got a point. Jason: I hate it when he's right. Well, what's up? Zordon: Morph. Jason: Why? Zordon: The Monster. Kimberly: What? Zordon: Check out the viewing globe. Billy: Where? Zordon: In the command center. Zack: Oh. Jason: Coming. Trini: This scene went far too long. SCENE VII: Jason: Who's the scum that did this to us!?!?! Zordon: You haven't even met the monster yet. Tommy: We know, we just wanted to get passed all this rigamaroll. Kimberly: Where'd you learn that word? Tommy: In French Class. Trini: But... nevermind. Tommy: I'll go at it! Alpha: But your... Tommy: If you say that once more, I'm going to bash your circuts down to your knees. Alpha: ....powers are limited. Tommy gets out his morpher and slams it on Alpha's head. Billy: Alpha doesn't seem to respond to threats. Zordon: That's one assignment for you, Bill, before the season's up; fix Alpha. Billy: Again? He's just gonna rust again. Zordon: Well do it anyway, it's the only thing you're good for. Billy: This bites. Jason: Well who's the monster gunning for us this time? Zordon: Ritardo, he's retarded and has used Kimberly's guitar to play really bad tunes to make you go into shock. Zack: He'll probably succeed, seeing is Kimberly hasn't tuned that thing in weeks. Zordon: Whatever, it is wise for you, Tommy, to stay here. Otherwise, you're rump roast. Tommy: Sure, right, whatever. Kimberly: We're sorry, Tommy. Jason goes up to Tommy with this sad, concerned look on his face. Tommy: Whatever, you guys go on ahead. Jason: HEY GUYS, WE'RE OFF THE HOOK, HEHEHEHE! Jason goes running up to his morphing position enthusiastically. Jason: Oh I mean uh, sorry man. Hehehehe. IT'S MORPHIN TIME! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterydorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat Jason: Trashosaurus Ritardo turns on his amplifyer to his guitar and begins playing the song "Bad to The Bone." Ritardo: Hahaha, you won't be so cocky when you hear my tunes! Ritardo begins to play and sing En Vougue's "Free Your Mind." Ritardo (singing): Free yo mind, and the rest will follow! Be color blind, don't be so shallow! Trini: Oh not that song! Ritardo (singing): Why oh why, must you be this-a-way! Kimberly: Don't listen to it, guys! Jason puts his hands on his ears as does Trini and Zack. Billy puts his fingertips on the ear-part of his helmet and begins humming threw Ritardo's music--but they fail. Zack: Agh! It's like Jon Bon Jovi is making a comeback, AHHH!! Hey, what's happening to my feet? Hey, help!! Suddenly all the rangers levitate in the air because of the incredibly loud, lude and annoying noisy music, all but Kimberly. Kimberly: Let my friends down, you creep! Ritardo: Never! HAhahaha, so you write songs, aye!?!? Kimberly: Yeah? What of it? Ritardo: Once we destroy the rangers, we'll force you to write my new CD! Kimberly: Never, AHHH!!! SCENE VIII: Zordon: This does not look so good at all. Alpha: The only way to free the rangers is to destroy Ritardo! Tommy: I'm morphin'. Alpha: That would be dangerous though. Zordon: Sure it would, but we can't engergize him anymore. Tommy: Well, the sooner I drain myself, the sooner I can leave. I'd rather be a nobody than to go threw this stupid hell, I was forced into living! See ya later! Tommy: DragonFly SCENE IX: Tommy runs into the scene where Kimberly is backing up slowly slightly weeping as Ritardo is moving closer to her playing his annoying music... Ritardo: What's the matter? You don't like it!?!? [Singing]: Billie Jean, that's my love, she's just a girl, she says I AM THE ONE, but the kid's not my son! Kimberly: Give it up, Ritardo! Ritardo: You're history along with your friends! Jason: GET US DOWN!! I SEE HEAVEN!! Billy: Help!! I CAN'T FEEL MY FEET! Kimberly: Ooo!! What do I do? Tommy: SEET-EYA!! Tommy pushes Kimberly out of the way. Kimberly: That's the second time I've been rammed out the way. Tommy: I'm savin' your ass, be grateful! AYE-YA!! Ritardo: ...2, 3, 4! [Singing] FAME! I'm gonna live fo-eva! Takin' it all the time, FAME! Tommy: I've had enough of your music! Now I'm gonna teach you how to sing the blues! Seet-eya! Tommy uses his dagger to attack Ritardo until he disappears. Kimberly: Are you okay!?!? Tommy: Never better! Kimberly: But your powers! Tommy: Oh yeah. Aww man! My powers, they're gettin' weak! Happy? Now let me kick some can. Kimberly: Wait, you're supposed to wait a while. Tommy: Why don't you just let me save you?!?! Kimberly: Hey, we've gotta make this complex, otherwise... Jason: HELP!! Quickly!! 911!! EMERGENCY! URGENT! Zack: I think I'm gettin' naucious! ===================== Tommy runs like a half-city block to an outdoor concert hall when Ritardo steps out from behind a curtain. Tommy: Wha? Telly: And NOW, on the Pathetic Ranger Tour is proud to present Ritardo! Tommy: What is this? You just pulled THREE Artist Bros. parodies. Our readers must be SERIOUSLY confused. Ritardo: Yeah, and in a few minutes, you will be too! Muahahaha! Tommy fights him while Ritardo keeps knocking him back with sour notes. After a long and desperate fight, Tommy begins sinking into the bellies of the earth in agony losing his powers when Kimberly runs up to Tommy. Kimberly: Tommy! Tommy: What kept you? You know my powers... Kimberly: Yeah yeah, I was adding extra strings to my Power-Bow so that I can do this. Stand back. Kimberly strums her make-shift harp and it knocks Ritardo backwards into the stage wall and starts getting shocked by all the stage lights. Ritardo falls to the floor smoking and gets up again. Tommy: What will put an end to his madness?! Kimberly: Well, while I was going through my instruction booklette for my PowerBow, I found out that your BarneyDagger can destroy musically disfunctional monsters, hence Ritardo. Tommy: Cool, do it. Kimberly grabs Tommy's dagger and arms her Power-Bow with it and fires it and the monster is destroyed. The Rangers suddenly fall on their rear-end. All: OW! Jason: Hey, we're down. Woah! The four remaining Rangers get teleported away. Tommy and Kimberly run up to where the Rangers were. Kimberly: Darn it, it didn't work. Tommy: Gee, and I thought you had all the bright ideas. They get paged. Kimberly: Where are they? Alpha: Right here, dope. The two get teleported to the command centers and their helmets are automatically placed on top the computer consoles. Jason: Yeah! SCENE X: At Ernie's JunkFood Bar, The gang are sitting around a table with Kimberly holding her huge Guitar. Kimberly: ...and since Zack helped me write the words--here's a song dedicated to you Tommy. Tommy (Sarcastically): Oh boy, I can't wait. Jason: I gotta get outta here. Billy: What'sa matter, scared you might get a boner? Zack laughs. Jason: Okay, fine; I'll listen to this. Kimberly starts strumbing on her guitar: "We Will Miss You..." (In the tune of: Elton John's "Can You Feel the Love Tonight") Verse 1: Even though you came to us, with the worst in mind; to give this show some life and, fill up the time. You blew up Zordon's brains, and kicked us all around, in the end you came around after a few pounds. Chorus: We will miss you, yes that's right; 'cause it's in the script. We got paid, to say mushy stupid things--so you will have no spite. We will miss you, yes that's right; but believe you me...it's enough, to make the AB Writers take a break, and make something new to write. Verse 2: Jason's always cared for you, even though he let your powers lapse. Trini never spoke to you, because she is a brat. I will not speak of Billy and Zack, because I love one so, the other is just a songwriter, with no life. Chorus: We will miss you, yes that's right; 'cause it's in the script. We got paid, to say mushy stupid things--so you will have no spite. We will miss you, yes that's right; but believe you me...it's enough, to make the AB Writers take a break, and make something new to write. It's enough, to make the AB Writers take a break, and make something new to write. --- Tommy: Why that was so beautiful Kimber... Billy quickly approaches Kimberly face and they begin making out, her guitar falls to the floor. Jason has tears in his eyes, Trini just has a sorry face looking at Tommy. Tommy: Hey you two break it up! I was >almost< going to fall for that. Zack: What's the matter with you, Jase'? Jason: Where did my life go? I have no woman, I have no sex life--Oh my god, my prostate must be the size of Jupiter!--I've gotta go now... Jason scrambles to get up and leave. Zack: I guess it was listening to Kimberly sing is what got everybodying making out. Woman in Spandex Leggings and T-Back Bra: Agh, gross! Ernie, whaddya think yer doin' bub!? Trini: Ew yuck, all this making out is going to make me puke. I ought to leave. Zack starts winking at Trini. Trini: FAST! Trini gets up from her table and trots out of the Bar. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... At first, it looks like a prank to make him doubt his sanity, then it appears that LSD has taken it's toll on his mind when Tommy gets a message from himself from the future!! See-threw Tommy: HEY FAT-HEAD, GET YOUR SHAVED SCALP OVER HERE! Tommy: Oh hi there, who are you? STT: I am the Tommy from the future: the weak, unimportant, walked-all-over, peed-on, written out, sobbing, upset and totally Ticked-off Tommy. Tommy: I don't like you. STT: That's the point. I'm here with a message. I'm the powerless and has-been you will soon be in the next hour. See, you have one more battle to go, and I think that's all I'm here for. Oh yeah, and one more thing, I need new underwear. ...Lord Bread creates an unstoppable (yet stupid looking) monster known as Burpin' Gel, the 66th monster equipt with a magic stick! Burpin'-Gel: Hahahahaahah, I'm going to destroy the Pathetic Rangers. Uh, why am I doing this again, Bread? Lord Bread: I'M PAYING YOU! BESIDES, YOU LIKE DOING THAT! Burpin'-Gel: Why don't we just leave it at you're paying me, I don't wanna be laughed at by all my muse. Lord Bread: Yeah, whatever, just go after them! Particularly Tommy! Are we FINALLY going to be relieved of this running soap-opera tale of Tommy's likely loss of his powers? Will Tommy be stricken with rage if he loses it? Is Tommy REALLY the Bionic Man who can withstand 300 tons of pure mass destruction? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!