Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Green Slave No More, Part II" Parody of, "Green No More, Part II" LAST TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS: Tommy got a message from the upset and future Tommy. STT: I am the Tommy from the future: the weak, unimportant, walked-all-over, peed-on, written out, sobbing, upset and totally ticked-off Tommy. Tommy: I don't like you. STT: I'm here with a message . . . I'm the powerless has-been you will soon be in the next hour. See, you have one more battle to go, and I think that's all I'm here for. Oh yeah, and one more thing, I need new underwear. Tommy: But I just bought a new pair. STT: I know, I'm the future. See ya. ...with Zordon's lame attempts to reengergize Tommy, Tommy doesn't stand a chance. On other awful parts, the rangers are kidnapped by the ever annoying Lord Bread without their powers because they were sucked up with a green crystal that has five green prongs. Lord Bread: I am going to use this crystal to drain away your powers and Tommy, who I could give a rat's patooty about now that I've drained him off and have him fighting my unstoppable monster. Meanwhile, I've got you five pain-in-the-butts in here, and these five gangsters to replace you! Meet the "Even-More Pathetic Rangers!" Five, ugly, spandex-clothed rangers with grey gloves and boots walk in, looking identical to the real Pathetic Rangers. Billy: Eww. Lord Bread: Yes, what did you expect? Dolly Parton? ...without his powers, Tommy must battle the constantly-insulting Burpin'-Gel! Tommy and the monster start fighting until Tommy's powers get sucked away and into Burpin'-Gel's Beehive-like stick. Tommy: Why do ALL you villians have sticks? Burpin'-Gel: Beats me, DON'T ask questions I have not rehearsed to respond to. Otherwise. I'll!! Tommy: Hey, you're gonna beat me up anyway, sheesh. Oh no! Burpin'-Gel swings his stick to hit Tommy in the face when Tommy ducks and starts crawling threw the bushes. Burpin'-Gel: Hey Power whimp! Get back out here! I'm not threw shredding up your limbs and humilating you on national TV! You can run, but you can't hide! Can Tommy keep from being turned into Power Mush? Or is he lame enough to get LOST in the open plain? Do I really have to ask these stupid questions? Or is it a bad obsession? Find out on the NEXT B.S. Trippers, Dah I mean Pathetic Rangers! SCENE I: Tommy is still behind the rock sweating while the Burpin'-Gel monster's back is humped over while he is holding his stick, panting in tiredness. Burpin'-Gel: Well you, coward you. OH COME OUT ALREADY! I'm getting tired insulting you! AHHH!! I AM GETTING ANGRY, come out, you pathetic whimp! Hahahaha! Burpin'-Gel turns around and Tommy gets up from the rock and socks Burpin'-Gel in the face and stomach. Tommy: SEET EEEAHH!! Huh, I may be powerless, but I ain't no coward, you big sack of peanuts. Burpin'-Gel: ...I'm going to have you for supper! Tommy ducks and hides again. Burpin'-Gel: I knew you were a yella-bellied scaredy-cat, hahahaha! C'mon, just come out, I'll make it easy. It won't hurt that much, but it WILL hurt a lot! Hahahahaha, come on, come out, I will make it easy, you have my word, hahahaha!! Burpin'-Gel whips his head around in surprisement and finds Tommy's hands wrapped around his leg and Tommy yanks his leg backwards causing Burpin'-Gel to slip down the very, very steep hill that's really tall and Burpin' Gel just keeps bopping and bouncing in pain on rocks. Burpin'-Gel: Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh... Tommy: Hahahaha, call me a coward will ya? SCENE II: Alpha is shaking. Alpha: Aye yi yi! We're locked in, and I have to use the bathroom! Zordon: We have a bathroom. And why do YOU have to go? You're a machine. Alpha: I leak gasoline. Zordon: Oh gawd. Alpha: What's wrong? Zordon: How should I know? Ah yes, there it is: WEEEEEE arrrrre being opressed. If this going on awwni curser, we'll purely... Hey, these letters are mispelled! Alpha: Are you reading the que-cards through that cooking oil again? Zordon: Well, yeah. Alpha: I told you to go to those memory classes, but did you listen to me? Newwwoah! You just sniped and snarled and... Zordon: SO I CAN'T MEMORIZE MY LINES! Big deal! Puh. Alpha: Hahahaha, and he thinks I'M the dumb one. Zordon: If I had arms, I'd surely grab a brick and throw it at your groin. Alpha: Okay, okay. Zordon: If we continue to be compressed like this, the command center will surely implode. Alpha: Why are you acting so calm about this? Zordon: Hmmm hmm, in November 1993, the FOX Kids Network renewed my one-way ticket to Jupiter, the only thing that will blow up, is you. Haw haw haw! Alpha: You're a lifeless worm! What do we do? Zordon: Should we care? What I just informed you of relates to the plot of this story very little. Alpha: Oh, in that case, I guess our scene is threw. Zordon: Quite right, Alpha. SCENE III: Goldar is poking a dull stick at the vunerable rangers, who're still in Lord Bread's molecular birdcage near the cave. Jason: Doool. CUT it out, ya 14-karat freakshow. Lord Bread: Let 'em go, Goldar. Without your plastic weenies, you won't be able to stop my ongoing monster and then you'll have to live without GETTING all that attention, hahahaha!! You'll be nothing! Nobody's! Losers! Trini: No! Zack: Cut it out, Bread! Lord Bread: UUUU, *LORD* BREAD! Zack: Lord Bread, yeah, we know. Shut up and let us go. Goldar: Why don't I slice them up into a million pieces? Lord Bread hands Goldar this remote control device that screens things onto thin air. Lord Bread: Take this, and go to Tommy and make him feel like a sopping bag of doody and then destroy him! Goldar: Okay, whatever you say, LORD Bread. Hehehehe. Lord Bread: Get out of my face before I puke on your wings. Goldar: Yes! SCENE IV: Burpin' Gel is just now getting up and trying to recover from getting beat up. Tommy: Back for more I see? Burpin'-Gel: You're gonna pay for that, you repugnant beast! Tommy: Look who's talkin'! Burpin'-Gel: Shut up! AHhhh!!!! Goldar fades into the scene and puts his grimy hand on Burpin'-Gel's shoulder. Goldar: Stop, Pee-Wee. I'll handle him from now on. Burpin'-Gel (Whines): Oh but I wanted to slush hi-im. Goldar: Oh shut up, Lord Bread has plans for you later. Burpin'-Gel: Oh goody goody! Will it involve blowing something up into a million pieces? Goldar: Most likely yes. Now get out! Burpin'-Gel: Alright. Tommy: Hi, Goldar. Goldar: Hello, Green Vomit Ranger, or shall I say, TOMMY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Tommy: That's my name, don't curse it out. Goldar: Oh shut up and pledge your allegiance to me, you fool! Tommy: Never! I won't give in! Goldar: Would you give in if I wore a thong-bikini? Tommy: Especially if you wore a thong-bikini. Let me go! Goldar: No! It is crucial I make you feel like lime scale! Remember when you did this!? Goldar presses a huge button on a Remote control that zaps a viewing screen onto the sky which displays Tommy as 3 years old on the toilet. Young Tommy: Look Mommy, I can potty all by myself! I'm uh big boy today! Goldar (fiddling with machine): Ooops, wrong one. Tommy: Oh brother. Goldar: Remember this? Goldar turns on Tommy as 8 going after the cookie jar. 8-Years old Tommy: Can I have a cookie, mommy? Mommy: It will spoil your appetite, Tommy dear. Tommy: Get on with it, Goldar. Goldar: What's with this stupid machine? Tommy (Sarcastically): Oh, I feel so awful. Goldar: NGHH!!! SHUT UP! Goldar sinks his fist into Tommy's stomach. Goldar: Let's see what's the matter? Goldar fixes it. Goldar: Ah! Yes! There it is, remember when you did this? Goldar presses the remote control again and displays a giant TV set like image of Tommy as Green Vomit Ranger beating up several muddies then flashes to Tommy tackling several large drooling hideous monsters and also commanding BarneyZord, etc... Tommy: Hey, I'm pretty good. Goldar: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, remember when you used to save your friends? You musta have saved them a billion times! Tommy: Mm hm. Goldar: Just think, now you won't have the pleasure to mess up me and Bread's muddies because you have no powers!! You used to save... Tommy: Oh be quiet. What the hell is your point? Goldar: Uhhhhhhh... Tommy: Just what I thought. The other monster was giving me a workout, all you're doing is trying to make me feel bad. Goldar: Is it working? Tommy: Sort of, but I really couldn't care less since this is a parody! Goldar: NGH!!!!! Hmmm! SCENE V: The rangers fizz away from Lord Bread's dimensional birdcage and back to the park without their powers. Billy: Good to be back. Wanna do some twisting in the sack, Kim? Kimberly: Love to, but we've gotta do something. Billy: Man, I get less around here because of Bread and his stupid monsters. Darn! Well I guess I'll sacrifice and think of something. The rangers immediately scramble into Billy's garage. Jason: Why don't we use the Rad... GUGlll!! Billy muffles Jason's mouth. Billy: That will be real easy. And really suspense draining too! SCENE VI: In Billy's Lab-Garage... Kimberly is wearing her usual maternity wear (something she wasn't wearing a second ago), Zack is wearing his yellow baseball cap backwards with a black tank top on, Billy is wearing a blue and white striped tank top, and Jason is wearing a boring red tank top while Trini is wearing a skimpy shirt. Billy: Well now that that unimportant scene is done. What do we do? Jason: You're the genius, you figure it out! Billy: Oh right, turn on the TV. Jason turns on Billy's 10-inch TV set. (On the TV): Newsman: We interrupt the last episode of Cheers to tell you some sad news about Angel Grave. ---------- Zack: Man, I knew it! Lord Bread strikes again!! ---------- Newsman: A tragedy is falling for kids everywhere, Wendel the Whale is now being canceled because of his marriage to talkshow hostess Ricki Lake. They say that Wendel the Whale was also reportedly seen masturbating, or in the Generation-X term, whacking off, in a local movie theatre. After that, they found that Wendel the Whale is in fact, Paul Reubens, a former "Pee-Wee Herman" Wendel the Whale is a child joy all over the world. -={Clip}=- Wendel: Hi kids, do you want to play in the school? Kid (overacting voice): Sure I do, I live my life everyday just to play with you. Kid 2: There is nothing more exciting than playing Ring around the Rosey with a giant blue Mammal. Kid: Heee hee hee hee. ===== Kimberly: What?!?! That's their big story!?!? Newsman: Oh yeah [really, really fast] and some big hairy monster is tearing up the town. We now bring you back to the last episode of Cheers. Enjoy. The ending theme song that displays credits of Cheers is heard. Billy: Oh brother, with that kind of helpful insight, I'm sure to solve something now. Geez. Zack: Hurry it up, Billy! Sheesh!!! Billy: Trini, hold him. Billy socks Zack in the mouth and Zack twists around with a delirious half-grin on his face then he falls to the floor. Billy: Ahh, that tension block has escaped me. I think I can work now. SCENE VII: Goldar is sitting on the hay-filled deserted plain with his legs crossed, his fist on his tilted over face while he's yawning and displaying the heights of Tommy's Green Ranger days while Tommy is sitting annoyed. Goldar: And Remember the time, Samurai Wigwam, ah yawn... Tommy: Get on with it, it's really gettin' late. Goldar: Oh alright! I am going to finish you off, but before I do, I want you to tell me "You are my superior ruler, I am a lamer, I suck dirty toenails, I have a big butt, my butt smells, and I kiss my own butt." Tommy: You must be out of your mind. You expect me to say all that? Goldar: SAY IT NOW!!! Tommy: Okay. [Tragic Music] You . . . . . . . Are. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Are. . . . . . Goldar: Yes, huhuhuhuhu. Tommy: ......................STUPID AND INSANE!! SEET HEE-YA!!! Tommy kicks Goldar in the head and messes him up so bad Goldar relinquishes his sword and falls on his butt in the grass. Goldar: No!! This can't be! Tommy: Sure it is. According to the Institution and Department of Processing Contracts for the Good-Guy Role in A Children's Daytime Entertainment Program, or the I.D.P.C.F.T.G.G.R.I.A.C.D.E.P., the Good-Guy is entitled to and contracted to... Goldar: Is this my punishment for making you feel bad? If it is, I'm sorry! Tommy: Shut up, black-teeth. You're history now! Tommy kicks Goldar in the gut, and grabs the time processor. Goldar: Hey, you punk! Bring that back! Tommy: Fine! Come and get it, Goldilocks! Goldar: No! Not again! Goldar is wearing a ballet tutu and gold hair. Goldar: NGH! Enough! I've just about had it with you! Dahhh!!! Tommy pushes another button on the time device disguised as a remote control and points it at Goldar as he floats away and then disappears. Tommy: Ha! Now to get out of here! SCENE VIII: Billy and Kimberly are making out while Zack and Jason are yawning, Trini looks annoyed. Trini: Enough already, what if Tom... Tommy teleports behind everybody. Tommy: Hi guys, guess what I did? You'll never believe it, I... KIMBERLY?! Kimberly and Billy suddenly pull away from each other when a loud slurp is heard. Billy and Kimerly wipe their lips. Billy: I can explain--see, Kimberly had some carrot lodged in her molers and I was trying to get it out! Tommy: With your tongue? Trini: What did you do that was so fantastic? Tommy: I beat Goldar with no powers. Jason: Yeah? So? What was the fantastic part? Tommy: "YEAH, SO?"! You can't even beat Goldar WITH your Power Sword. Trini: I kicked him in the neck once! Billy: Ahem! I think I figured out what makes Burpin'-Gel vunerable. Tommy has to morph and get inside his food-pipe and lodge THIS giant cork in his pipe. Tommy: Great plan, Genius; but how am I getting out? Billy: When he starts sufficating, the air will blow out of his gut and you'll be splattered out on top Kimberly. Trini: I just might like this. Jason: The thing is, we can't do it without our powers. Tommy: Hey, I've got an idea. Zack: He always does. Tommy: I'm outta here. Tommy teleports away. SCENE IX: Near the cave where the Ugly "Even More Pathetic Rangers" are hibernating, Lord Bread and Goldar are standing around a tall stand with a green crystal. Lord Bread: Muahahaha! With this Crystal holding those Ranger's powers, they don't stand a chance. Squatt: How many times are you going to repeat the plot? Lord Bread: How ever long it'll take to fill up excess time. Squatt: Well, don't look now but Tommy smashed up the crystal and split! Lord Bread: GRRRRR... Goldar, WHY didn't you tell me?? Goldar: He didn't make any noise like he was supposed to. Baboo: So much for our scene and it's suspense. SCENE X: Back to Billy's lab... Billy: Hey guys, our power coins mysteriously appeared in our morphers. Tommy teleports back. Tommy: Hey guys, it should work now they I smashed Lord Bread's Green Crystal; too bad that means I still don't get my powers back. But I think I'll tear a hole in the plot so big you could fly a star cruiser through it by morphing for one last battle. Jason: Fair enough, but if you screw up--I'll see to it that you never get them back, if possible. Zack: Well, what are we waiting for??--Lord Bread is probably already back in his Castle by now. Kimberly: This just in from FAUX Broadcasting: Morph, Bread is back in his throne. Billy: Perfect, another opportunity to rid ourselves of this menace -- down the drain. Zack: I hope the garbage disposal still works. Jason: He didn't mean literally, Dorf Burger--it's Morphin' Time! Tommy: DragonFly Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterydorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat Jason: Trashosaurus SCENE XI: Huge Burpin'-Gel's burps are echoing throughout the city causing everything to shake with skyscraper windows busting at the loud echoing sound of Burpin's burps. The five Rangers pose... All: PATHETIC RANGERS! ...They show up on the corner of a city block with a sign above it saying, "314 Keetung Lane". Jason: WE NEED BLUNDERZORD POWER NOW!! Zack: Majormess-Cowardly Lion BlunderZord Power is what I want! heh-heh Kimberly: Pterydorky-TiredBird BlunderZord power! Billy: Tribladdertops-Acorn BlunderZord power! Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat-Lipton Tea BlunderZord Power! Jason: Trashosaurus-Red Dragon Liver BlunderZord power! The zords crash together and go into battle with Burpin'-Gel. Burpin'-Gel: Nice of you to bring out your little toys! Jason: Yeah, well you're not the first one to get baked by our mean stuff. Burpin'-Gel: Big talk, how about a little Shell Shock! HAhahahah!! Burpin'-Gel throws himself at the BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord and has it on its side, smoking as all the rangers--excluding Jason--fall out of their zords and Jason's zord does solo. Burpin'-Gel: It's just you and me, dork! Burpin'-Gel rumbles with Jason's zord which becomes so beat out that all zords become vunerable to attack to Burpin'-Gel. Kimberly: Oh no! Our zords! What do we do??? . . . . Kimberly: Ah hem, I SAID "WHAT DO WE DOO????" Zordon: Oh yeah, I was taking a nap. Tommy, go inside his tummy now and give him an upset stomach with that thinga-ma-jiggy I gave you for which we won't be using in the next few parodies. Tommy: Aww, do I have to go in his belly? It's so slimy and yucky in there. Zordon: DO IT! Tommy: Oooo-kayy.. Trini: Okay, Tommy--get out there and do it. Tommy: HydroActiveMegaBazookaSuperCorin'TransportingLightCycle Command, now! Zack: I hate it when we have to do that. Tommy jumps in and blows up Burpin'-Gel's stomach with his weapon until he explodes. SCENE XII: Lord Bread's Palace... Goldar: I'm sorry your plan failed, your evilness. Lord Bread: You failed me, blah blah blah--is this over yet? SCENE XIII: In the command center... Tommy is standing before the other rangers. Tommy: Boy guys, I... Jason: Get on with it, we've only got 50 seconds of the show left. Tommy: Hey, ya knows, you couldn't beat up Goldar or a giant monster with a tank and a basooka let alone without anything. Billy: Yeah yeah, you're a true hero, blah blah blah. Just stay away from my chic or eat lead. I have a gun license, you know. Tommy: Big talk. Anyway, I was sitting there, watching Goldar laughing, and I almost gave in, but it was my power, courage and strength for which I... Trini: Hey Tommy, can it. Nobody wants to hear about your silly little hero stories, now get out. Tommy: Oh, okay. In that case. Tommy walks up to the command panel and messes with some wiring. Billy: What are you doing, Tommy? Tommy: Oh you'll see. The rangers are teleported to that open plain that Tommy was in with no powers and a simulated monster. Jason: AHHH!!! IT'S A MONSTER! Kimberly: We've NEVER had to battle two monsters in one episode. Mysterious Monster: HAhahaha! I'm going to tear you apart! Zack: Oh no! We don't have our morphers! Trini: Please don't hurt me!! Jason: I beg of you... The monster comes closer ready to nearly kill them when they're teleported back to the command center where Tommy is busting up laughing. Jason: Zordon! Lord Bread's made a new monster, what do we do!?!?! Zordon: I don't mean to tell you this but ah, Tommy hornswaggled you. Tommy: Gee, Jason; you really showed me up. I commend you five for how well you handled that. And ya know what? I have it on tape, and I'm gonna show it to all the producers. Billy: You're cruel. Tommy: I believe you five dweebs owe me an apology. Jason: We don't owe you nothin', loser. Tommy: You're just jealous because I'm superman. Afterall, I'm so cool, so powerful and so attractive that Zordon couldn't resist picking me to be a ranger. Billy: Actually, Rita did. Tommy: Oh. Jason: Now beat it and don't show your face until episode number 56. Tommy: Very well. Muhahahahahahaha!! Billy: I hate him. Jason: Me too. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Jason's impassive behavior towards Tommy 26 episodes ago in "The Green Popsicle" is haunting him, causing him to act stupid -- (as par Trini's director authority). Jason: Zack, I just feel like if I had've gotten that popsicle, Tommy would still be here. Zack: You don't know how stupid that sounds. Jason: La dee da. Zack: Well, what are you gonna do about it? Jason: I don't know. I just wished I could've saved him. It's all my fault. Zack: Ya got that right. Jason: Zack! ...annoyed with Jason's depressing aura, Kimberly hatches a plan to help Jason get over it by getting Tommy to re-assure him that everything's okay (which it isn't) by visiting him in his uncle's cabin... Kimberly: Well normally, Tommy just goes to his old uncle's cabin and lies down naked on the bed and grabs his crotch and examines the meaning of life when he's depressed. Billy: I thought George Wendt did that. Kimberly: No, you're mistaking him for Conan O'Brien. Zack: Eh? ....Lord Bread hatches an evil plan... Lord Bread: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Can the rangers overcome his evil plan? Are you frustrated that you don't even know what it is? Will I get a REAL job talking over "Way Cool Weekdays" Programs on KTLA Ch. 5 in Los Angeles? Find out the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!