Directed by: Thuy Trang as "Trini" Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Missing Spleen" Parody of, "Missing Green" SCENE I: At (GUESS WHERE?) Ernie's Junk Food Bar, nooooooo.... Zack is holding a punching bag and Jason is supposed to be kicking at it to prepare for a Pipe-Trophy karate tournament and keeps messing up and missing the punching bag. Zack: Ugh, I've been doing this for three hours, straighten up! Jason: I can't concentrate. Zack (militantly): Do it again! Jason: Gee, you're cold. Zack: Maybe this'll help. Zack kicks Jason in the stomach. Jason (really calm): Ow, Zack. That really hurt. Zack: You're not your normal self. Jason: What am I supposed to be? I feel that we should be one with nature. Oh look at that dove floating in the sky. Zack has a concerned look on his face when he slaps Jason on the face. Zack: Have you gone bananas? Now go at it again, I've got a date. Jason: Stop telling these vicious lies about women, or men for that matter. Zack: Stop it, now kick! Jason tries to kick the punching bag and sees Tommy on it. Jason: Huh? Zack: What I say? Jason: Uh, nothing. Hehehehehe. Let's go at it! Jason slams at the punching bag and misses. Jason: I keep seeing Tommy! Zack: I told you not to take that LSD, now go at it again! Jason: No, I can't. Sorry. Zack: Ugh. Jason: As a note in my defense, your ugliness is also messing up my concentration. Zack: Can't anybody like this hairdo? Kimberly: Uh--no. Jason: Zack, I just feel like if I had've gotten that popsicle, Tommy would still be here. Zack: You don't know how stupid that sounds. Jason: La dee da. Zack: Well, what are you gonna do about it? Jason: I don't know. I just wished I could've saved him. It's all my fault. Zack: Ya got that right. Jason: Zack! Zack: Just being honest. Sheesh! SCENE II: Lord Bread. Lord Bread: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Goldar: What's so funny? Lord Bread: I have no idea. Goldar: Gee, hahahahhhahahaha! Lord Bread: Shut up! If there's one thing I hate is someone who laughs HISTERICALLY for no reason. Goldar: Uhhh.... Lord Bread: Jason's feeling a little guilty, aye? Goldar: Naww, it's just Thuy Trang is directing this episode. Lord Bread: Hmmm, that'll explain that lame dove line. Goldar: Uhhh. Lord Bread: Hmmm, what can I do to make him feel worse? Goldar: How about my five flavors of Magic Pops? They don't like those. Lord Bread: DON'T BE STUPID, GOLDY! Goldar: Just a thought. Lord Bread: WELL YA KNOW WHAT?!?!? You don't have any!! So shut up, you're breaking my concentration! Goldar: That would be true if veal wasn't the only thing up there. Lord Bread: AHHHH!!! You like to flirt with PAIN! Goldar: Nevermind, maybe it would be best if I just didn't say anything at all. Lord Bread: Should've thought of that seven episodes ago. Goldar: Uhhhh... Lord Bread: Hmm.... SAY! Gimme those magic pops. Goldar: Why? Lord Bread: JUST DO IT, YOU FOOL! Goldar: Yes, sir! Goldar gives him the box. Lord Bread licks one of the "Magic Pops" and makes a sour face. Lord Bread: Bleak. This stuff is NAAAAA-STY!! What are they for? Goldar: Didn't you remember The Green Popsicle? Lord Bread: Yeah, Tommy sucked one. Goldar: Well, these are the other flavors. See, This pink one's grapefruit, this is rotten blueberry, this yellow one is sour lemon, and this black one is car oil. Lord Bread: Good! Lemme use 'em to drain away the others' powers like I did Tommy! Goldar: Sure, but I don't think it'll work, see, none of the rangers worked for... Lord Bread: Silence! I know what I'm doing and you know it, so if you have some'n to say, just butt out!! Now go back to your painroom! Goldar: If I go in there again, I'm gonna DIE! Lord Bread: Well, we wouldn't want that. Goldar: No, cause then you wouldn't have a patsy to kick around. Lord Bread: I DO NOT DO THAT TO YOU!!!! Fine! You don't have to go into the nail coffen this time. Goldar: Oh thank you. Lord Bread: I'm going to fix those rangers, ONCE AND FOR ALL!!! SCENE III: The three rangers are sitting on the stairs of the Junk Food Bar. Kimberly: What's Jason upset about? He gained some weight? Grey hair? Provoked a rotwiler? Zack: Naww, he's just now realizing, thanks to Trini's dumb writing, that he's responsible for why Tommy is not Greenie. Billy: Well, where is he? Kimberly: Well normally, Tommy just goes to his old uncle's cabin and lies down naked on the bed and grabs his crotch and examines the meaning of life when he's depressed. Billy: I thought George Wendt did that. Kimberly: No, you're mistaking him for Conan O'Brien. Zack: Eh? Kimberly: Well, we have to get him. Billy: Not me, I don't wanna see him buck-naked grabbing at himself with his tongue hangin' out his mouth. Kimberly: Well gee, we have no choice because it's in the script. Billy: I hate the script. Zack: We've got to get new jobs. Billy: SHUT UP, the writers are listening. Kimberly: Well let's go get Trini and drive to him. Zack: Why? Trini's right there in her director chair. Kimberly slaps Zack upside the head. Zack: Wha? Wha? Wha? Kimberly: Cheez. Bulk: Hmmm, did you hear that, Skull? Skull: Yeah, I can't believe I heard that. Tommy grabs his shirt in the dark? Bulk: No, not that! Those dorks are trying to find out who the rangers are before us! Skull: Oh, that would make sense. Bulk: That's something you wouldn't know about! C'mon. SCENE IV: The four are in Zack's cheap Dodge that bumps up and down while the engine is knocking with black smoking coming out of the exhaust pipe with a bent antenna. Kimberly: I'm not very comfortable in this car, Zack! Zack: It's an all-american Dodge. Don't mock it. Trini: Zack, you're driving entirely too fast. Zack: Get crucial. I am going no faster than 20 miles an hour. The car is seen speeding down the road from which a sign that says: Speed Limit 45 MPH he completely ignores and the car moves at the near speed of light as if it never appeared and is going 70 MPH. Kimberly: Slow down! Zack: Get a grip, Granma Moses. The rangers are still driving when a huge thump noise is heard under the car and all four rangers bounce up and down again as if something alive was ran down. Billy: What was that? Zack: Awww, probably some dumb pot-hole. Billy looks in the rear back mirror to see the dead deer's body moving farther and farther into the distance. Trini: I think we just ran down a deer. Zack: Yeah right, why would deer's be here? Explain that, little miss fussy? Trini: Dear Crossing? Zack: Where? Zack sees a "Deer Crossing" sign he just passed. Zack: Who gives a damn about a deer? What do they do for mankind anyway? Billy: You are a nitwit. Kimberly: Yeah. Zack goes near a rosebush and steers just a little off of the bush and nearly hits it and Kimberly begins breathing heavily. Kimberly : YOUR CAR NEARLY GOT MESSED UP! Zack: Naw, don't sweat it. Kimberly: Sweat this. I'M taking over driving! Kimberly grabs Zack and pulls him into the back seat and she crawls into the driver seat and starts driving. Zack starts re-situating himself. Zack: How rude. Billy: Well, I think we're ready. Kimberly: Ready for what? Billy: Bulk and Skull's scene. Kimberly (Sarcastically): Joy. Bulk and Skull are in their mother's Taxi Cab shift driving around when they suddenly spot an old dingy station-wagon rocking back and forth with the rangers, excluding Jason, bumping up and down. Bulk: Let's follow those dork faces! Do you have the camera, Skull? Skull is taking pictures of everything. Bulk: Skull? What do you think you're doing? We need that film. Skull: Catching up on some scenery. Oh look! Mr. Peachy is having a barbeque. Bulk: He has one everyday! Skull: Isn't that so exciting and unpredictable? Bulk: Gimme that camera before I break it on your face. Skull: Alright, alright, if you wanna be grouchy about it. Kimberly: Okay, so where are we? Zack: I think we're that little star with the N on top. Billy: You dope, that's the pacfic ocean. Trini: Well, we were on this red line and all of a sudden we ended up on this blue line. Billy: That's a river [seeing Kimberly putting her finger on another line] and that's a railroad track. Guys, didn't you ever learn how to read a map? We don't even live in Nebraska. Zack: I think we're lost. Kimberly: YOU STUPID IDIOT! Zack: I never saw that chicken store before. Billy: Doony Turkin's Chicken Food Establishment. Established 1323. Hmmm. Zack: Now I know we're lost! Trini: You stupid boob!! Zack: We can get out of this one. Kimberly: I can just feel bald-headed farmers in overalls holding hoes pinching my boodie. Billy: It is just your imagination. OUCH! Hey you sick farmer! GET OUTTA HERE! The farmer walks off into the chicken joint. Billy: This place is real strange. Goldar: NATURALLY! Goldar appears. Billy: Oh not you again. What do you want? Goldar: I have no idea! I have no purpose but to get you on your P's and Q's! Hahahahahaha. Hmmm, what comes next? Zack: We morph? Goldar: Oh right. Go for it. Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterydorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat Goldar: Much better! Hahahahaha! Bulk and Skull arrive. Bulk: Ah ha! There's that big gold monster! Skull: What do we do now? Bulk: Seek the Pathetic Rangers! Hahahahha. Skull, get the camera. Skull and Bulk begin to start tripping over each other. Bulk: Say, why don't we cut this scene short and just get the camera? Skull: Good idea. Skull gets the camera and takes a picture, except a birds nest falls on their heads filled with eggs. Goldar: Hahahaha, it won't work! Zack: What won't? Goldar: Hmmm. Good question. Trini: You know, Bread's gonna be disappointed if you don't start saying some valueble lines. Goldar: Oh okay. Hahahahahaha! Feel the wrath of Lord Bread! Trini: That's not what I meant. Billy: Hey! What's going on?! Zack: Nothin'!! He's just a chicken-head! Stupid, dumb, suckin' up chowder head who doesn't have so much as two cents to his name. You're nothin' but a bag of gold bars! Do your worst, you big mongrul! Goldar: I'm going to relay that message to Lord Bread and you'll be sorry! Hahahahaha, eat your words! Hahahahaha, take this. Goldar lifts his sword and prepares to suck the Pathetic Rangers up into his dimensional prison. Zack: Hehehehe, I was just kidding, hehehehe. Say, wanna hear my harmonica?... Zack lifts up his harmonica when we dissolve the scene to Bulk and Skull. SCENE V: Bulk: What happened to the Pathetic Rangers? Skull: I don't know. Bulk: I TOLD YOU TO KEEP AN EYE ON THEM! Skull: I did, see. My eye is on the grass. Bulk: Not your TOY eye! Ugh! You are a stupid dolt! At this rate we'll never find out who the Pathetic Rangers are! Skull: Never say Never. Where there's a will, there's a way. There is nothing to fear but fear itself... Bulk: That's it!! I've had it with you! Shut up!! Let's find out where they went. Skull: Okay. Bulk: Now don't mess this plan up! Skull: How can I? I don't even know what it is. Bulk: Neither do I. But you have to promise not to mess it up. Skull: Alright, but you're the screw-up. Not me, I'm just stupid. Bulk: Be quiet, Skull, or I ram your face into the bark of this tree. Skull: You're very threatening. Bulk: Thank you. C'mon. SCENE VI: Lord Bread: Hmmm. Jason wants to win that trophy? Well he's already won! He's won a beating in the AB Studio alley! Hahahaha, Hypehead! Arise! Lord Bread takes his X stick and zaps the Pipe-Trophy for the karate tournament Jason is entering and creates a pipe-headed monster. Hypehead: Hahahaha, Lord Bread, Hypehead at your service! Lord Bread: Destroy the Pathetic Ranger RED RANGER! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Goldar! How's it going? ===== Goldar: It's going swell, my emporer. Everything is under control. Hahhahaha, feel kinda funny, huh rangers? We pan from a close-up of Goldar to a bird cage the morphed rangers are in. Trini: Nice going, arachno-head! Zack: How was I to know Goldar got a job? Goldar: Silence! I have something to say, and you're gonna stand up and take notice! Billy: Why should we? It was ZACK's dumb ideas that have us in this web of nightmares. Goldar: Well you're gonna anyway, seeing is you have no power as long as you're LOCKED in my jail! Hahahaha. Billy: So this is the famous playroom, aye? Goldar: Yes, my royal subjects. Trini: I resent that. Goldar yanks off their helmets, grabs his popsicles and shoves them in the Pathetic Rangers' mouths, then puts their helmets back on. Billy: Ewww. Kimberly: Gross! Trini: Pee-too-wee! Zack: Bleak! Billy: What in the world was that for? Goldar: SHUT THE FREAKING HECK UP! Zack: Well ya know, I really don't have to take this. Goldar: Sure you do! Kimberly: Hey, if we're defeated, will you roast Zack first? He's the stupidest. Goldar: Are you guys quite finished? Trini: I suppose. Billy: Not me, I just wanna say you're two eggs short of an omelet, you're out of your mind! Goldar: Whatever. Well, if you remember Green Popsicle, I'm going to give you this magic pop, and your spit is going to drain your powers as the popsicle gradually melts!! Hahahaha! Kimberly: Well you just wait and see, you repugnant beast; Jason's going to rescue us and fix you, you big gold nugget! Goldar: Big talk. Trini: You just wait and see. Goldar: Would you cut out the "Lois and Clark" thing? It's really annoying. Billy: No wonder that show is in the nielson ratings basement. Zack: Yeah well, you're gonna be sorry you messed with us when Jason gets here. He's gonna raise some hell! Goldar: Yeah right! He can't even raise his middle finger! Hahahahahaha! You can chat with yourselves as long as you want. It's not going to do you any good. Because you're history! Threw! Washed up! Yesterday's news! Hahahahha! I have business to take care of. Rot in hell! Billy: Well I hope you're happy, big mouth. Zack: Look who's talking? Big lips. Billy: Oh, you wanna start some'n? Zack and Billy draw their blade blasters. Kimberly: Stop it! Trini: Why don't we play jacks? I left these jacks in my pocket some time ago. (Zack): Pocket? Billy: Sure, why not? I hope big mouth can handle it. It doesn't involve talking. SCENE VII: In the command center... Jason: ...but Zordon, I didn't grab her nipple and squeeze it that hard. It was just to be sensuous. She likes that. Alpha: Well it was wrong just the same. And cheap. Jason: Alright, so I milked the cow illegally, is that such a crime? Zordon: Uhhh... Jason: Uh oh! We're on camera. Zordon: Oh yeah. Alpha, quick, hide the doughnuts! Jason: Hmmm hmm. Zordon? Where are my friends? Zordon: We have not yet located them. Jason: Never do. Zordon: What?!?!?!?! Jason: Nothin'!! Sheesh! Alpha: Aye yi yi yi yi! Jason: Ugh. What is it, Alpha? Alpha: Look, Hypehead is bouncing off the walls and trees wreaking havoc! Zordon: Yes, you must stop him and then free your friends. Jason: But my friends will be sushi by the time I get to them! Zordon: Good point. Ah, I have located your friends. Jason: Where are they? Zordon: In Goldar's playroom playing jacks. Jason: Not with Goldar, I hope? Zordon: Of course not. Jason: Oh okay. Alpha: You although have to win that trophy. Jason: It means nothing without my friends. Alpha: Are you sure you're not a clone? Jason: Alpha!!! It's bad enough I have to say these disgusting lines! Sheesh. Alpha: Ah. It's no fake. Zordons: Thuy decided to direct. Jason: So that's why my lines suck. Oh wait, I already know that? Oh well, then I guess IT'S MORPHIN' TIME! Jason: Trashosaurus SCENE VIII: Jason is running through an open field when he suddenly stops as there is a great explosion and Goldar steps from out of the smoke. {Nice touch, eh?} Goldar: Hi Red Ranger! What's up? Jason: Your butt in a sling! Goldar: Hahahahahaha. A little cocky, are we? Jason: No one asks about my cock but Cheryl Saban! Goldar: Ugh!! Jason: You're mine, potty-face! Goldar: Hahahahaha, no, because you have MUDDIES to deal with! Hahahaha! Get him! Jason (sarcastically): Gee, I'm scared. The muddies circle Jason and try to defeat him, they all get kicked and rapidly disassemble. Goldar: Uhhh...Hypehead! He's vunerable! Get him now! Hypehead: As you wish! Jason: Aye ya! SCENE IX: Lord Bread: Time now for you to grow!! He grows prior to Lord Bread throwing down his magic banana peeling. Jason: What am I gonna do now? Goldar: Stand by and take your medicine? Jason: No way, Goldilocks! Goldar: No! Ewww. [He fades away] Jason: Trashosaurus-Red Dragon Liver BlunderZord power! The crappy music starts until Red Dragon Liver BlunderZord charges into it's solo self. Jason: Beat that, sugarhead! Hypehead: Watch this! Hypehead turns on a Golden Crisp commercial from a magic TV set that he whips out from nowhere. Sugarbear: Can't get enough of that golden crisp... Jason: Man! Gotta... fight... it! Ahhh!!! DragonLiver Zord gets the lights beat out of it. Jason: That's it! You've had too much fun! Now it's time to pay for it! I want the BlunderZord MegaWeenie! Hypehead: No, don't! You can't! After all of what we've been to each other!! DragonLiver Zord destroys the monster. Jason: Yeah! Now to save my friends! SCENE X: Lord Bread: You stupid fool! Why did you let my monster get beat???!?!? Goldar: I can explain... see! Lord Bread: I don't WANNA HEAR IT! You've been acting like a stupid-ass since the start of today's episode! Get down there and make sure those popsicles are history before that ego'ed out maniac arrives to rescue them! Goldar: Yes sir! SCENE XI: The rangers are on the floor on their knees turning into liquid paint bleeding into the film in Goldar's cage located in his Playroom. Goldar: Hahahaha, gettin' hungry, rangers? Kimberly: Cut it out! Billy: You won't get away with this. Jason is coming to help!! Goldar: Hahahhaha, yeah, but the popsicles are almost gone, soon, you'll be nothing but Pathetic Mush! Hahahahaha Suddenly, the Camera jerks over to where Red Ranger is right behind him in the distance. Jason: Not yet, you over-grown Chicken Nugget goon!! Goldar: Huh? Jason: You want my friends, come and get em! AYE YI!! Goldar: Shouldn't have done that, I'm going to rip you apart! Uhhhh!!! They do battle until Jason knocks away Goldar's sword. Goldar: Uh oh. Jason gives Goldar the one-two and has him on his side unconscious. Jason: Alright, it's only a matter of time, guys! Zack: Great, but how come you don't grab the sword and destroy him. Jason: Never thought of that. Billy: Oh brother. Jason: It's in the script that Goldar stays. Now let's not speak of it again. Alright! I got the cage open! Hmmm. Kimberly: Well we stil need help! We're draining! Help us! Jason: Alright, alright. TV time only lasts so long. Hmmm. This is gonna take a lot of thinking. Got an idea! Zack: That quick? Jason: TV time. Gimme your coins. Billy: What? Jason: Just do it, goggle-head. Billy: Alright. Take it. But that's it. We're all tapped out. Kimberly (weakly): Ugh. Here. Zack (weakly): Dah, here you go. Trini (weakly): Here. Jason: Thanks! Jason puts their coins on the popsicles, except he mixes them up and takes his coin and re-energizes the rangers, except their colors change. Billy: Huh? What the... Kimberly: Eww. Trini: Look what you did, stupid. Jason: Ooops, sorry, let me try this again. Zack: Goldar's waking up!! Goldar: Ugh. I have a headache. Jason performs it right and they're reengergized. Kimberly: Slowpoke. Jason: Stop complaining and get outta here! C'mon! They all leave Goldar's Dimensional Prison but Jason. Goldar: Not so fast! Goldar grabs Jason's leg, and Jason shrugs it off and beats him in the face with his leg. Goldar: Ugh. Goldar passes out again. Jason: AB Writers, was the REALLY necessary? AB Writers: Naw, we did that for effect. Plus to put more suspense in. Jason: Can that be the only thing this show is for? AB Writers: Other than cheap jokes and visual gags. Jason: Oh, okay. Well, I'd love to talk and all, but I have to split. See ya. SCENE XII: Zordon: Job well done, Red Ranger. Jason: Keen, but what about Tommy? Zordon: I would display what he's doing. But he's naked. It would destroy our FCC license. Jason: Oh. Okay. Zordon: Listen in. Tommy: I'm writing you because I've got a new swiss girlfriend. But I broke up with her in five minutes. At any rate, I'm no Pathetic Ranger, but I'm strong, I just needed time to think. And, well, right now, I'm okay, because I collected myself, and now, if I ever return, I will not slash Jason's face with a steak knife if I see him. So, if you win the trophy, I'll look at it like you won for everyone. Cheryl wrote this because it would sicken me to write it. So, good luck, sort of. Love, Tummy. Huh? Jason: Sad. Zack: Well, at least the important rangers are together. Duhh, I mean. Too bad, Tommy. Jason: Yeah. WELL let's get to that competetion! SCENE XIII: Jason and the others are walking into the Junk Food Bar where (like all other festivities on this show) the tournament is being held. J ason has his shirt off and Bulk and Skull put their hand up to them. Bulk: Hold it, dweebs. Jason: Oh, wha-at? Skull: We have PICTURES OF THE PATHETIC RANGERS! Bulk: Yeah, we were there! Skull: Get a load of the pictures that will make millionares out of us! They lift up pictures of falling eggs. Jason: Ooo, I'm shakin', now get out of my way before I ram my fist down your mouth so deep, I'll be able to squeeze your small intestines. Bulk: Stupid fool! Another plot line for us--wasted!! Now we're gonna have to find out who the rangers are in another episode. Skull: Not me, it gives me a headache. Bulk: Well guess what??? You have no choice! C'mon! SCENE XV: In the Junk Food Bar where the karate ring is... Announcer: And now our last finalist, Jason Lee Peter John Gary Scott. Billy: Cool names, Jase'. Jason: Did he HAVE to say ALL my names? Announcer (over the loud-speaker): Yes--I did. Jason: It's like I'm under surveilance. Announcer: Just start kicking. Jason: Very well. Jason enters the karate ring and goes against his easy-to-knock-over opponet. Announcer: And the winner, and STILL champion of the 25th annual karate tournament, Jason LEE Scott. Jason: WHY do they keep announcing my names?!?!?!?! Zack: Look man, just be happy you won. Jason: Yeah, right. Whatever. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Curtis gives Zack an offer he can't refuse... Curtis: Well... I'm putting on a jazz concert at the Junk Food Bar, but ah... My brother stole my trumpet and broke it. Zack: Alright, where do I come in? Curtis: Gimme Uncle Clod's old Trumpet. Zack: Hahaha oh. Uhhh, no. Zack goes back to sucking his drink. Curtis: I understand... Well, I'll just roam the world, without a job-- without my favorite career, and then... I'll just have to move in with ya... Zack's head pops up and he has an expression on his face that indicates "Oh no" and he spits out the straw to his drink and dashes out of the Junk Food Bar. Zack: I'll get in within 15 minutes! ...Lord Bread fashions a ridiculous plan out of thin air... Lord Bread: Simple! That dweeb cousin of Zack's is gonna practically deliver his stupid trumpet to me after his annoying concert is OVER!! I'll steal it, turn it into Brass Butt and then have him make the rangers think they're fighting monsters from which were thrown in the trash by the MegaZord AGES ago!! Oooo, this episode reminds me of why I threw Rita in the garbage! Can the rangers save themselves? Will Zack drug Curtis, slip him into a U.S. Airmail bag and send him to Gwam? Will the rangers enjoy Curtis' concert? Or will they just hurl in agony? Is Gloria Estefan going to have a cameo? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!