Directed by: Thuy Trang as "Trini" Fred Flintstone, Barney Rubble, Wilma Flintstone, Pebbles Flintstone and Bamm Bamm Rubble are Trademarks of Hanna Barbera's The Flintstones (C) 1960, All rights reserved. Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Beauty and the Feast" Parody of, "Beauty and the Beast" SCENE I: Billy and Kimberly are at the Junk Food Bar near the counter (as usual). Billy is nawing away at Kimberly's ear. Kimberly: Uhh Billy, we're on camera. Billy: Aww c'mon! Just one little peck? Kimberly: No. Billy: Foo. Kimberly: At any rate, I feel so bad about Tommy. Billy: I don't. Kimberly hits Billy on the shoulder. Billy: Oh yeah, yeah, poor fella. [Really sarcastically fast] Wow, wow, what a guy, wow. Now about us... Kimberly: It's an antique Tommy gave me. Billy: Aww Kim, do we have to hear more about Tommy? It's getting nausiating. Why, the only reason I'm wearing this sexy outfit is so we could have a little fun -- you know. Kimberly: Well Tommy is a human being too. Billy: He isn't when he likes to grope himself in the dark in his dead uncle's cave. His uncle has been lying on the living room floor for 3 years. Now that's what I call stupid. Kimberly: Okay. Well anyway, this is his mirror. Billy: What does this button on this mirror do? He pushes it and hears Fred Flintstone. Fred: Yabba dabba doody! Barney: Hey, hey, hey, Fred! Wilma: But Fred. . . Pebbles: Da da. Bamm Bamm: Bamm bamm. Billy: It's a stupid toy mirror. Kimberly: I know, it's Tommy's. Oooh, how I miss you. Billy: Hey, what am I? Chop Suey? Kimberly: I am going to go now. Billy: But wait a minute, we didn't even... Oh well. I'll be on my way on my rollerblades. Bulk and Skull enter the room. Bulk: Hey, Skull; let's find the rangers.... Some voice out of thin air: GET OUT! Skull: Who said that? S.V.O.O.T.A.: I did. Now get out. Bulk: Hey, this is a public junk food bar! Ernie: Not to you goons. Go away. Skull: We're not going anywhere. Ernie: Very well then. You can stay for 1 and a half minutes. After that, you shoo. Bulk: I don't believe him. Oh well. Bulk notices a flyer with an extraordinarily fat woman on the cover that says "Psychodelic Readings, come to me and I will give you your fortune." Bulk: What's this? Fortune teller? Skull: Ooh, maybe she can tell us who the Pathetic Rangers are. SCENE II: We pull from a zoom-in on Lord Bread's table with a framed picture of Kimberly to Lord Bread, who's slumped in his chair. Lord Bread: Oh, the lovely Kimberly. So slim, so sexy, so mine. Goldar: Ewwww. Lord Bread: WHAT'S THAT SNIDE COMMENT????!!?!?! Goldar: Uhhh, Squatt just threw up in the refridgerator. Lord Bread: Good! Hmmm... Goldar: I have an idea to double our power; let's kidnap Kimberly and put a spell on her to be your new queen. Lord Bread: ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY I'M NOT SMART ENOUGH TO PULL OFF DEFEATING THE RANGERS MYSELF?!?!?! Goldar: What's the penalty for saying yes? Lord Bread: Well, you could be doing slave labor in the kitchen along with Finster. Finster: Oh dear, I'm never going to get a big break on TV. One loaf of zuchini bread comin' right up! Goldar: Oh. Well then what's the penalty for saying no? Lord Bread: You can be belittled and humiliated on national TV. Goldar: I'm beginning to like choice number one. Lord Bread: IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE! I think the idea is perfect, then maybe I can get closer to Kimberly. Goldar: We better switch scenes before the writers throw up all over the script. SCENE III: Billy and Zack are rollerblading in the park when Billy puts his blades to a screeching halt. Billy: Whoa wait a minute here. Just a minute ago, I was going to rollerblade with Kimberly -- why am I with you? Zack: Because you love me? Billy: Don't push it, arachno-fuzz. Zack: Well, the writers didn't think before they put Kimberly in the first scene. Billy: Just imagine if you were in the first scene? ........ Zack: Uh Billy, we're on camera. Billy: Aww c'mon, just one little peck? Zack: At any rate. I feel so bad about Tommy. Billy: I don't. Zack hits Billy on the shoulder. Billy: Oh yeah, yeah, poor fella. [Really sarcastically fast] Wow, wow, what a guy, wow. Now about us... Zack: It's an antique Tommy gave me. Billy: Aww Zack, do we have to hear more about Tommy? It's getting nausiating, why, the only reason I'm wearing this sexy outfit is so we could have a little fun, you know. ......... Zack & Billy: EWWWWWW!!!!! Billy: Zack, GO AWAY! Zack: You can't do this to me, I'm in the script. Billy: Yeah, but our scene isn't supposed to come yet, what about the psychic? Zack: Oh yeah. ======= Madame Fatface: 50 bucks. Fork it over. Bulk: But we don't have any money. Skull: We have GAK! Madame Fatface: Cough up the dough, or get out of my face. Bob Barker is coming in soon. Bulk: How about these? Bulk throws buttons, rubber spider toys, rubbers and other useless stuff in Madame Fatface's money box. Bulk: We need to know who the Pathetic Rangers are. Skull: Need? Bulk: Well... Madame Fatface: What is this? Look, pork fat, I'm a con, you're a con, but it is my duty to be the conner, and it is your duty to be the connee, so therefore, you give me the doe. Otherwise, I give you zip. Bulk: Technically, sir... Madame Fatface: Bulk: Uhh, madame; you're just as fat as me. Madame Fatface: Listen, fuddy duddy; I'll give you a fortune, a freebee. Bulk: Alright. Madame Fatface: You'll get what you pay for. Here, here's a map, find the rangers. Bulk: But this map leads to Tulsa, Texas. Madame Fatface: That's the rangers' secret hideout. Bulk: C'mon Skull, we're strong enough men to do it. Skull: But I don't think.... Bulk: C'mon! Skull: YAAA!!! Bulk grabs Skull and they march out of the insense filled dark room of Madame Fatface's to set off on their mission. SCENE IV: Kimberly is seen in the park walking and reading L. Ron Hubby's Dietnetics. Kimberly: To lose weight you should never eat green cheese. Hmmmm. Goldar appears. Kimberly: Oh what do you want? Can't you see I'm reading? Goldar: Can't you see I'm going to kidnap you? Kimberly: No, but you won't get away with it. Goldar: My muddies are inclined to think I can! Hahahah, get her! The muddies start going after Kimberly. Goldar: Hahahhaha, you're pathetic. When Lord Bread gets threw with you, you're gonna be his new queen and service him, personally and sexually! Hahahaha! Kimberly: ACK! NO! NEVER! HANDS OFF, YOU DISGUSTING CREEP! Goldar grabs Kimberly and Kimberly is struggling and Goldar is pushing and shoving and then he lets her go. Goldar: Hhaha. Kimberly: What are you doing? Goldar: Squeezing your boodie. Kimberly: Oh get off me, you 14 karat nightmare! Uhhh! Kimberly kicks Goldar in the gut with her leg. Goldar: You shouldn't be so obnoxious... Kimberly: You can't even spell it. Goldar: Oh sure I can. O-B-N-O-K-S-H-I-S, obnoxious. Kimberly: Wrong again, dweeb. You're the one who's obnoxious. Goldar: It's in my contract. And you've done enough talking, sexy. Now it's time to be a little more aggressive, hahahahaha! Kimberly: Uhh!! Goldar throws some magic dust at Kimberly and she sneezes it away. Goldar: CUT! Take two. [Back into character]: HAHAHAHAHA! Goldra throws some magic dust at Kimberly and she sneezes it away again. Goldar: DAHHH! Would you stop that? Kimberly: I can't help it, I'm alergic to magic dust. Goldar: >MAGIC< dust? Kimberly: Well, any kind of dust; but in this case, my nostrols will sneeze this away. Goldar: Well cut it out! I'm trying to pull off an inhumane, suspense-filled scene. Kimberly: Alright, let's get it over with. Goldar throws some magic dust at Kimberly. Kimberly: Ooo, Lord Bread, where's that hunky, sexy, bodacious sex-symbol? The sound of chunky slime being dropped onto a desk onto the script is heard. Goldar: What was that? Kimberly: The writers finally threw up. Well--Now you've gone and done it, you gold goon. Goldar: Queen! Kimberly: Yes sir. Goldar: Now shut up, Queenie. Come with me, you have business to do with Lord Bread. Kimberly: Ooo, you mean that hunky, bo-... Goldar: Shut up. SCENE V: Billy and Zack are in a park. Billy turns around. Billy: That was pointless. Zack: Let's start rollerblading. Billy: I'm not sure I can anymore. I'm wrapped up in this gear like a mummy. Zack: You always have been a mummy. Billy: Look who's talking? Your hair is so stupid, you could wrap yourself up in it like a mummy. Zack: That's it, gimme my gear back. Billy: Fine, take it. They get beeped by Zordon as Billy is un-doing the velcrose on Zack's rollerblade gear. Billy: Yeah, Zordon? Zordon: ....but you started it, Alpha. Alpha: Oh yeah? Zordon: Yeah, and don't go paging the rangers, it's not necessary. Alpha: Oh sure, like I'm the one who faded out to pluto to retrive the video game so I could lose. And ya know some'n? I'm getting tired of you... Zordon: Me too, maybe I'll find a recliner at Jupiter... Billy: Uh, guys? Did you page us to share your pathetic fight with us? Or did you have some kind of reason?? Zordon: Uh oh, the rangers know we've been fighting. Alpha: It's all your fault! Zordon: You banged at the control panels... Zack: Aye aye, guys, timeout. What is it? Zordon: Now I darn forgot. And it's Alpha's fault... Zack: Right, Right whatever. Zordon: Well, I'll deal with you after the episode's over. Alpha: Fine! 23 and a half hours is long enough for me to settle this. Billy: Right; we've got bigger problems than your video game defeat stories. Zack: We're ready to teleport. They teleport. SCENE VI: In the command center... Trini is already standing there, watching the viewing globe. Billy: Trini? What are you doing here? Trini: Watching Denzel Washington videos. What does it look like? Zordon demanded you come too? Zack: Yeah. Trini: Keen. Zordon: Observe the viewing globe. Billy: Not that again. Zordon: Kimberly has been kidnapped. Billy: And I didn't get a kiss? Zordon: Oh goodee, two other reasons the writers didn't upchuck earlier. Alpha: Bigger problems. Watch. ======= Glassmonster: Hahahahaha, I'm another annoying mirror monster with a big crotch. ======= Zordon: Does that answer your question? Billy: No. Why did Goldar kidnap Kimberly? Alpha: If I told you, you'd beat me up. Billy: I'm not sensitive. Alpha: He wants to make Kimberly Lord Bread's queen. Billy: Alright that's it! Alpha: AHH!! Aye yi yi! Billy picks up Alpha with a clinched fist. Trini: Easy there, Bruno. Zordon: I'm afraid he's right. Nyeah! And there's nothing you can do to me to shut me up! Billy: How I hate you. Zordon: You shouldn't, it's not very nice. Trini: I think that's: you shouldn't swear. Zordon: Oh, DO no correct the mighty Zordon. Billy: You're starting to sound like Bread. Zack: Like, can we get back to the point of this scene? Zordon: Right, right. SCENE VII: Lord Bread: Alright, Goldar! Good job with Kim, now, I want you to have muddies kick Billy and Zack in the butt! Goldar: Right, and uhh, where did you learn to say butt? Lord Bread: Gee, I don't know. JUST DO IT! NO QUESTIONS! Goldar: Right, but the rangers aren't... Lord Bread: DO IT! NO EXCUSES! Goldar: Alright. SCENE VIII: Curtis and Richie are rollerblading in the same location Billy and Zack were in. Richie: Curtis, don't stand so close. Curtis: Hey, I changed, I'm now both ways. Richie: Alright, better. Suddenly a ton of muddies begin attacking them. Richie: Wha oh!! Curtis: What do we do? Richie: Run for it!!! Curtis: And it's no wonder we need the Pathetic Rangers... Richie and Curtis break wind while the muddies are pursuing them. Richie: Help!! Curtis: Somebody help us!! Richie and Curtis run up to a playground that shields them from the muddies. SCENE IX: Zordon: Before you guys morph, Billy and Zack must save Richie and Curtis. Billy: Why? We're better off with those dweebs off our cast list anyway. Alpha: This just in, your contracts are good as threw if you don't rescue them. P.S.: Richie, you can forget about being anything more than a bartender at Ernie's Junk Food Bar and not White-Out Ranger. Relay that message to him after you've rescued him. Zack: Gotcha. SCENE X: Zack and Billy come to the rescue of Curtis and Richie, who are standing on the slide bench. Billy: Man, do you sissies go to Karate School? Richie / Curtis: No, uh uh, not really no. Zack: Well that's sad, just about everyone on this show goes to karate class. Billy: I love irony. NOT! Richie: Just shut up. I WAS going to thank you, but there seems to be no need now. Zack: Won't be necessary, 79 billion other citizens already have thanked us. Billy: Zack!!! Keep your mouth shut. Zack: Excuse me. Billy: Yeah, well, loose lips sign the will of Zack. So shut up. Zack: How rude. Billy: Yeah whatever. Listen, babies; we have some things to do, so we'll be on our way. Curtis: Alright, and thanks again! Richie: I thought you said you weren't gonna thank them? Curtis: Hey, Angel Grave isn't so safe. I hope I don't find out why it's called Angel Grave. Ya know what? I think I'm moving to Detroit, Michigan. SCENE XI: The command center. Alpha: You two have to retrieve Kimberly. Zack, you stay here. Zack: Why? Billy: Isn't it obvious? You're a moron. Trini: Right. But now, Kimberly's the evil witch. Billy: Yeah, and I'm tired of everyone demanding to put Kim in a bad mood so I can't have dibs. Zordon: That's because Lord Bread is disgustingly perverted and has a crush on Kimberly. Zack: Who invented crush? Why not: I got a thing on that girl? Or what about, she's fly and I like her a lot? Billy: It's, I HAVE a thing on that girl, and who knows? Why not ask why there's a B at the end of thumb? Zack: There is? Billy: Ugh, go to the library. I'll CRUSH who's ever responsible for doing this to Kimberly! Including Lord Bread. [Demonic voice] Yes...I'll pull his brains out and force feed it to Squatt then I'll... Trini: Now, now, Billy; we need a plot--we have to keep Bread. Billy: Ugh, it's morphin time. Ha, I finally get to say it! Trini: Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat Billy: Now what do we do? Trini (really peaceful and psychodelic voice): You must work on your ignorance, but then again, all us creatures have certain quarks we need to work on. Like me, I always forget to pop a birth control pill before sex. Billy: No, really, I lost my script. Trini: That's okay, we should be one with our nature. Billy: What's your problem? Trini: Isn't that the eternal question?? We all need to find out who we are, and what is wrong with us. Don't you think, William? Billy: Who are you? And--have you lost your psychodelic mind? Trini: The mind is a crucial subject related to one wise man who once said... Thuy Trang is sitting in her director's chair eating a banana with bell bottoms and platform shoes. Thuy: I love my job. Trini: ...and so therefore, you should get in touch with your own breast... Billy: Would you just shut up? You just put 13 muddies to sleep. Trini: A muddie? What's that? Billy: Oh no, you're not Trini, you're a fake. Although, I would like to get to know you better. Trini: Great, I can vibrate into your mind and... Billy: On second thought, just be as quiet as you possibly can and let's just switch scenes. Trini: Very well. SCENE XII: Kimberly is dressed like Rita fast asleep on the chair of Goldar's second cave-playroom. Goldar: Oh, isn't that sweet; Queen Kimberly is sleeping in her chair. That's so nice . . . WAKE UP! Kimberly: Uh! Squatt: No fair, Goldar! I was gonna kick her on the breast. Kimberly: Oh no you weren't. Ooops, I have to fake it like I'm queen. Hehehe. Baboo: Wow! She looks like Rita! Lord Bread: NO SHE DOESN'T!! Goldar: Yeah, remember what happened to Rita? Squatt: Oh right, right. Kimberly: Shut up! Get out of my face, you two poor excuses for pillow stuffing! Squatt: Yes, ma'am! Kimberly: Goldar, wash my underwear!! And get me my lunch! Baboo: Eee. Kimberly: JUST WHAT ARE YOU TWO LOOKING AT???!!!?! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO GET OUT OF MY FACE! Baboo: Gee, where'd you learn to be a bad guy? Kimberly: Easy, I had practice on "Broom of Doom," and I'm a bad girl. Squatt: Oh yeah, that episode sucked. Baboo: Can I have your autograph? Kimberly: Oh sure. Goldar: Stop it! Queen, you're highness... Kimberly: Don't hand me that B.S. Squatt: Baboo, she's a little pushy. Kimberly: OH YEAH!??!?! WELL WHO ASKED YA?!?! Goldar: Oh my god! What have I done???? I've reincarnated Rita! Dahhh!! It's horrible! Kimberly: You think it's horrible now? Just wait until I get on my period!! Baboo: I thought she already was. Kimberly: What was that??!?! Baboo: Oh, nothing!! Goldar: No! No more!! Goldar, Baboo and Squatt cover their ears in annoyance when Billy and Trini show up in the cave. Billy: Don't worry, Kim, it's alright! Kimberly: Oh thank god... Billy: I love you, cream muffin. But whatever you do, don't ask Trini a question, don't talk to her, don't breathe to her! Kimberly: Why? Billy: It's not of this earth, it's a fake. Kimberly: Oh, stunt-double. Billy: Yeah. We're all gunna stunt double this show because Jason got sick, so we got our buddies from the original footage and their costumes to do all that keen stuff we watch when taping our dub-overs. Kimberly: Aren't they like 75 years old by now? Billy: They're like Uncle Dorky; they don't stop. Kimberly: I'm so glad you're here. I had to pretend to be mean. Thank goodness that dust didn't work. Billy: Gimme a kiss. Billy's about to take off his helmet. Kimberly: How long do you think Goldar will wait to allow me to kiss you? Billy: None. In that case, sit tight. Goldar: HAHAHAHA! Weak rangers! I'm going to eat you up and spit you out! Hahahaha! [Squatt: Go get'em, Goldar!] WHUU!! Billy slams and lodges his foot into Goldar's stomach. Goldar: I think I need a parametic. Baboo: Hey, Goldar--why ya back so soon? Goldar: Maybe this kick would have something to do with it. Squatt: Whimp. Baboo: Chicken. Goldar: Alright, Mr. Courage, you deal with 'em. Baboo: Oh, we're supposed to be cowards, you're supposed to be the warrior. Goldar: Shut up! Billy: I guess that takes care of them. C'mon, Kim, do it. Kimberly: Right. Billy: Morphy. Kimberly: Pterydorky "Jason" and "Zack" appear out of nowhere. Billy: Where have you been Jason? Jason: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Zack: Silence, the ultimate insult. Jason: Konnichi-wa, Zachary. Kimberly: Figures, he's japanese. Zack: I guess in this scene we don't talk, huh? Trini (Light Voice): Hey, we're doubles, why not? The "Rangers" begin doing these unbelieveable moves only the japenese footage withholds on the muddies. Lord Bread: DAHHH!!! I've had enough of those rangers!! Time for you to grow, Glassmonster! Goldar: Nobody deemed him a name, huh? Lord Bread: Present since he has the least to do with this episode. Squatt: Bread's plan to make Kimberly queen went up in smoke. Goldar: Way to go, we're gonna get roasted now! Lord Bread: WHAT!?!?!??!?? Goldar: Now you've gone and done it. Lord Bread: Grow, you worm! Grow! Goldar: I wonder how long it'll take before Lord Bread will have a negative attitude towards throwing the banana peel down like Rita? Baboo: Maybe about 10 more episodes. Goldar: Ahh, I see. Lord Bread: Grow! Glassmonster: Wait! I didn't even do anything remotely inhumane to the rangers yet! Huge Explosion/Glassmonster huge. Lord Bread: That's the point, now do as I say or be Finster's next loaf of bread! Glassmonster: Gotcha! Hahahahaha, beat this, creeps! Zack: We're not licked yet! Jason: We need BlunderZord power! Zack: Majormess-Cowardly Lion BlunderZord Power is what I want! heh-heh Kimberly: Pterydorky-TiredBird BlunderZord power! Billy: Tribladdertops-Acorn BlunderZord power! Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat-Lipton Tea BlunderZord Power! Jason: Trashosaurus-Red Dragon Liver BlunderZord power! They form (with the dorky music) the BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord. "Jason": Let's do it! They rumble and do some relatively easy moves and then bring out their sword and destroy the monster. Jason: Is it just me, or was I not in this one? Billy: Is it just me, or was that the simplest battle we've had in ages? Zack: Only more new episodes will tell. Billy: I have got to get to college and soon, so I can skip this job. SCENE XIII: In the Junk Food Bar, Ernie finally shows up at his own place of business. Bulk and Skull enter the place. Bulk: Hey, I just thought of something... Kimberly: Did you hurt yourself? Bulk: No! I just remembered, the rangers fight in the city all the time, why would they be in Tulsa, Texas? Skull: That's what I tried to tell you when we were in Albuquerque!! Billy: I hope you dweebs learned a lesson because that hamster in your head called a brain fell off the wheel. Bulk: What do you mean, geek? Billy: Well you musta not worried your pretty little mind over the minor details on the back of this sheet of recycled newspaper print. Bulk: Which is? Zack: Man, it's an ad for Ernie's free muffins. Richie: Hahahahaha! Ernie: Shut up and mop. Richie (meakly): Yes sir. Kimberly: I get it, slave labor. Ernie: I hope my psychic tought you a lesson or two. Bulk: I forgot to tell you, your psychic said that you have exactly 1 second left to live. Ernie: NO!!! Bulk: Just kidding. Ernie: Here's your muffins, laughing boy... Bulk: Thanks. Ernie: ...with every purchase of lunch. Bulk: Wait a minute, it was free a minute ago. Ernie: I know, I changed it, in your exceptional case. And as the for the rest of you five, I've deduced that your bar tab has ran up to $23,543. Billy: Don't worry, we'll pay it off. Kimberly: Sheesh, is he a tender? Or a tyrant? Billy: A tyrant, that's why I'm changing my name and leaving town when this show is canceled and Ernie wants our money. Trini: Alright! THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... To get the rangers off his back, Tommy involuntarily agreed to go to a stew-pid coming-back party at Ernie's Junk Food Bar... (oops, I suppose I wasn't supposed to say that) Kimberly (snide expression): Well, I just got a letter from Tommy. He's so sore from grabbing his crotch and watching reruns of "Ren and Stimpy" that he's coming home! Trini: Yippy, now we have another teen Prodigy, who sucks up all the attention just because he can extend his hand to Pluto and bring it back to Earth and fight monsters with no powers. ...Lord Bread decides to be original and come up with an even stupider evil plot that is totally unrelated to where the script of this episode is headed!! Lord Bread: Haw haw haw haw, those rangers think they're sooo smug. Goldar: Alas, we have something in common with them. Lord Bread: Ya know, Goldar, I would love to lodge a tack threw that dusty abandoned lot that is your skull. Goldar: We don't even know what the rangers' plan is. Billy's just analyzing some dumb CD. Lord Bread: The only thing they'll be analyzing is where their rib-cage has fallen to after my Dumb-butt monster gets threw with them! Goldar: Why is she deemed with such an insulting name? Lord Bread: I dunno, she serves no purpose but to gloat about being stronger than her estranged sisters. Goldar: Whoopty-doo. Can the rangers survive this fairly simple challenge? Have I ran out of stupid things to say for the plot-give-away'er? Will Merv Griffin guest star on this episode to save it out of a ratings bombshell? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!