Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "White Mite, Part I" Parody of, "White Light, Part I" SCENE I: Trini is sucking at some exodic drink Ernie forced his slave Richie into making at the Junk Food Bar, when Bulk walks in with Skull, who has his tongue dragging against the floor because of trying to find the Pathetic Rangers. Bulk: Hey geeks. What happens in geeksville? Trini: Well, not much. Afterall, there's not much to do when you've seen Ernie jumprope topless. Bulk: Well, you just STAY out of my face! WE are on a top secret mission. And we DON'T need you geeks screwing it up. Trini: I don't care who the Pathetic Rangers are. Billy: Here's a hint, they're probably in your mind! Skull: Really? Gee thanks, hey, Billy just helped us out! Bulk: Shut up, lame brains. Listen, we'll find our way, you butt out. Trini: My pleasure. (NOTE: KIMBERLY WILL BE SEEN IN PARTS ONE AND TWO IN MICRO-OVERALLS THAT ARE CUT AT THE HIGHEST-PART OF THE THIGHS WITH A PINK SHIRT ON) Kimberly goes skipping into the Juice Bar really hyper-looking when Trini sticks her leg out and Kimberly trips over. Kimberly gets up and makes a snide look at Trini. Billy: Hey Kim, what's with you? Have you been taking Speed? Kimberly: No-wah. I have really wild and totally happening news! Trini: You ran out of padded bra's? Billy laughs. Kimberly: What? You don't think I look pretty? Billy: Huh? What are you talking about? Of course you're the sexiest little thing that's ever trotted the globe. Kimberly: Yeah right, well for your information the only reason why they didn't put me in a two-piece bathing suit like they did in our "Other" show with that `Lady' person is because Saban would have to send out nurses to revive our television audience. Billy: Yeah right, we're just 8-bit ASCII characters on a computer screen to our viewing audience--they would be dangerously delerious and hard-up to get turned on reading about a sexy chic. Kimberly: Well that has nothing to do with why I'm so excited! Trini: Is it because you took some weed and got wasted? Kimberly: No!! WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF?! Trini: No; I like belittling and humiliating you on national TV. Afterall, If I can't have a love-life, then you can't have one without being teased either. Kimberly: Manless, disgusting, repulsive dog. Trini: Over-dressed, over made-over, horny, pretencious prostitute. Kimberly: Shut up! Trini: No, you shut up... Billy: Uhhhh.... Ladies, ladies ladies. How can I put this delicately? I'm not one to shout at dames but ah.... SHUT THE FRIGGEN HELL UP!!! A dead silence hovers over the junk food bar and everyone stares at Billy in annoyance and Billy smiles. Billy: Not to you, to them. Hehehehe. Trini: We get the message, so what did you wanna say, hot peaks? Kimberly (snide expression): Well, I just got a letter from Tommy. He's so sore from grabbing his crotch and watching reruns of "Ren and Stimpy" that he's coming home! Trini: Yippy, now we have another teen Prodigy, who sucks up all the attention just because he can extend his hand to Pluto and bring it back to Earth and fight monsters with no powers. I'm going to have a word with Cheryl about my popularity in this program. Kimberly: Well you see that's just it. We forced Billy to take vote calls, call 1-900-LIKE-KIM if you Like Kimberly, 1-900-BILL-ME, for Billy, 1-900-GO-JASON for Jason, 1-900-LOVE-TOM for Tommy, 1-900-ACK-ZACK for Zack, and 1-900-ER-TRINI for Trini; and well, no one likes you, because your hotline didn't even ring. Trini: How come I didn't know about this hotline? Billy: 'Cause no one likes you. Trini: Errrrr.... Kimberly: Anyway, getting back to more important issues, I'm thinking of throwing Tommy a coming-back party. Trini: Does he deserve it? Kimberly: No. Billy: He doesn't? Kimberly: Not really, just 'cause he saved our neck sixty-seven times over inside one season doesn't mean he really deserves it. Billy: Keen. SCENE II: Lord Bread. Lord Bread: Hahahahahaha! That whimp Tommy is making a comeback, aye? Hahahaha, the only come back he'll be doing is with his dinner! As for those pesky rangers, I HATE party's! Squatt: I don't. Should I bring my bikini? Baboo: Or my collection of vomiting flies? Lord Bread: NO!!!! WE'RE NOT GOING TO THE PARTY! WE ARE GOING TO *RUIN* IT!! You PATHETIC excuses for recycled garbage are STARTING to get on my nerves! Squatt: Well excuse me... Lord Bread: I'm going to throw those pesky teenagers a party they'll WISH they COULD forget! Look out, Lord Bread's in da haause!!! Goldar: Uhhh... SCENE III: The gang are hangin' out with those losers they added to the cast in Angel Grave Park (Angel Grave mind you has, a boulevard, a junk food bar, a park, an interstate, a farm, a power plant, and oil mine and an abandoned amusement park) playing football. Zack: Hey guys! Dork Black Dude: Hey Zack, how do you think I'm doing at football? Zack: Let me put it to you like this, Urkel can play better than you. Dork Black Dude: Hey thanks. ===== Jason is sitting at a table with the Dork White Red Dude feeding him twinkies. Dork White Red Dude: Hey Jason, stop feeding me. Jason: What's the matter? Don't you like cake and cookies for lunch with no milk? D.W.R.D.: Yeah, but it's fattening, my muscles'll turn to fat if I eat too much bad stuff. Jason (pretending to be amazed): Really? Goshums, I did not know that. D.W.R.D.: Gee, those cookies sure do look good... SCENE IV: In the command center... Alpha is turning off everything and all the lights. Alpha: Alright, Zordon. It looks safe to leave. Zordon: No it isn't. I just figured that I need that well-deserved vacation. Alpha: Oh right. What were we doing again? Zordon: Read the script. Alpha: Alright. I suppose I COULD do that. But then again, I could use my own brain. Zordon: Hahahaha, funny joke, Alpha. Alpha: It isn't a joke. Zordon: Cut it out, Alpha. C'mon, turn off the command center. Alpha: Alright. Alpha shuts everything down and this odd noise is heard. Alpha: I hope it doesn't bust out. Zordon: Yeah, me too. Alpha: And just in case, I'm going to put this alarm system off. Billy just loves to break in unauthorized to steal our stuff and leave us with plagiarized garbage from Radio Shack. I learned from "Green With Vomit." Zordon: You are right, let us embark on our TOP SECRET, VERY IMPORTANT, ONLY WE CAN KNOW ABOUT TOP SECRET MISSION! Alpha: I have to feed you into this fishbowl. Zordon: Alright. Alpha uses a molecular thing to suck Zordon from out of the tube and into a fishbowl. SCENE V: In the park where they're playing football... D.W.R.D.: Gosh, I'm really fat. Jason: Too bad. Dork White Red Guy: Don't you want a cookie too? Jason: No thanks, it'll turn my muscles to fat. Dork White Red Guy: Oh, okay. . . Hey, HEY!!! NGH!!!!! Meanwhile, off in doomsville... Bulk and Skull are sitting on an abandoned, yet warm tuffet looking for the Pathetic Rangers. Skull: Can't we go home? My butt's fallen asleep, and I think it took a vacation to Tokyo too. Bulk: We can't leave now!! We have to waste our lives away on something to make this be what would have been a completely funny parody but is now a dull, boring and predictable venture. Skull: Fine fine, but I really that this is a stupid idea. Bulk: WE ARE STUPID!! I just wish we had a sign!! Some giant firey ball hits the ground that is discovered to be some wastebasket-sized toilet that Lord Bread put Rita in. Bulk: WHOA!! WHAT WAS THAT?!?! Skull: I think it's some kind of toilet bowl. Bulk: Kinda like that wasting thing that is known as your brain, huh? Skull: Listen, would you stop beating up on me and help me open this stupid thing? Bulk: Alright, it might lead us to who the Pathetic Rangers are!! Skull: C'mon!! SCENE VI: Zack is walking and walking in the park after a long game of football and notices this giant statue of a soda can, that's leaking GAK (tm). Zack: Man, that's really funky. AB Writers: Kinda like that sweat bomb that is your shirt? Zack: Keep outta this, I've gotta warn the others. Jason: Hey Zack, why won't you play? Zack: Check out that soda can!?! Jason: Odd. Dork Blue Guy: Hey, you wanna play some more? Jason: No, thanks. Dork Red Guy: Ya know, Jason, you're gonna pay for this, just as soon as I lose a couple of pounds. Jason: Do your worst, shrimp. Dork Red Guy: Pus-face. Jason: Eat my shorts! Kimberly: Gee, what was that all about? Jason: Guy stuff, you wouldn't understand, Skippy-Shirley. Kimberly: Okay. Eww, what's that ga-ross soda can doing? Billy: Might be leaking Zack's brains. Zack: Man, this is serious. So shut your big mouth up. Billy: Hehehehehe, sure. Right. Whatever. ========================= Lord Bread: GOLDAR!! Goldar: WHAT!?!?! Lord Bread: HMMMMM!! Goldar: Dahhh, umm, don't take that as a personal attack, I'm simply just... Lord Bread: Shut up!! MY MONSTER IS NOT FINISHED YET, WHY!?!?! Goldar: Because Finster--who was our speedy cook--is baking bread. You might wanna promote him to his original job--which wouldn't really be a promotion, because... Lord Bread: Stop your rambling! As long as you lazy-ass's are taking 99 years, I'll have to distract the rangers with useless MUDDIES! ==================== The muddies appear and give the rangers their daily "workout." They clear them all out as Jason shows off the new moves he learned. Jason: We better go check this out. Billy: Right, I'll call the command center. Billy taps his communicator as does the others. Billy: Zordon, come in, this is Blue Ranger. [Long Pause] Hello? Kimberly: Oh no, could someone fooled with the switches on Zordon's brains? Billy: No, but I have a slight resentment for the AB Writers' lame attempt at getting ratings by previewing Zordon to have faded out again, when all he's doing is constructing White Ranger... Ooops! Jason: Dweeb! Trini: Nice goin'. Billy: C'mon, let's teleport. Jason: What do you think? Should we put a lock on Billy's mouth? Trini: Nahh, we can just plot something when the show's over. Billy: Wait a minute, I don't like the looks in you guys' eyes. Jason: Oh, don't worry. Let's just teleport. Billy (nervously): Oh, ooohh-kay. They teleport. SCENE VII: They teleport to the command center, which is completely dark and abandoned. Kimberly: Gee, looks pretty strange on this sound stage without lights and annoying Aye yi yi's. Zack: Why don't we bask in this sudden moment of peace and tranquility? The rangers take a deep breath and let it out. Jason: Okay, that's enough of that. Now to find out what the friggen heck is going on here. Billy: Well, I do see some CD sitting right here. As Billy moves closer, the camera starts to jerk like it does in horror flicks when a monster is about to claw up it's victim. Billy: Uhh, this is Pathetic Rangers, not "Tales From the Crypt." See, one has talent. Zack: Which one? Trini: What do you think? Zack: I dunno, it's Billy's dumb comment. Trini: Oh sure, like he'd bag on himself. Billy: Shh, I'm concentrating. Trini: Don't bust a vain or anything. Billy: Cut it out!! Hmmm, it appears this is a CD. I'm gonna go check this out at my place. Jason: Very well, I just love these introductions to nothing. Billy: C'mon, let's go to my place; especially you, Kimberly. Kimberly: Oooo, you heat up my syrup like... ehehehehehehe.... Trini: I think I'm gonna puke. SCENE VIII: Lord Bread: Haw haw haw haw, those rangers think they're sooo smug. Goldar: Alas, we have something in common with them. Lord Bread: Ya know, Goldar, I would love to lodge a tack threw that dusty abandoned lot that is your skull. Goldar: We don't even know what the rangers' plan is. Billy's just analyzing some dumb CD. Lord Bread: The only thing they'll be analyzing is where their rib-cage has fallen to after my Dumb-butt monster gets threw with them! Goldar: Why is she deemed with such an insulting name? Lord Bread: I dunno, she serves no purpose but to gloat about being stronger than her estranged sisters. Goldar: Whoopty-doo. Lord Bread: Are you questioning the success of this BRILLIANTLY constructed plan!?!?!?! Goldar: I'm going to get a drink. Lord Bread: Bring me some gravy too, AND GO TO YOUR PAINROOM AFTER THAT! Hahahaha, you rangers are history!! SCENE IX: Tommy is standing on a beach blanket with a mini stereo next to him playing a Beach Boys song, topless with a bathing suit on sitting next to a public beach. Beach Boys (singing): ....and everybody's gone surfin', surfin' U.S.A. [da da da dee...] Tommy: Ahhh, fun in the sun... I sure am glad I ditched Kimberly's stupid coming-back party. Hehehehehe, ahh, now to work on that sunburn. Suddenly, this giant energy bolt slams onto Tommy and sucks him up. Tommy: Ahhhhh!!!! I knew I should've used Sunblock 15 and not 2!! Dahhhhh! SCENE X: Bulk and Skull are in Skull's dad's workshop. Bulk: Are you allowed to use this thing by your dad? Skull: Bulk, need I remind you, he could care less if I had Shamu in this workshop, he's a thug. Bulk: Figures. Now to open this stupid thing. Tools. Skull: Gotcha. Skull whips out a power-saw and puts it to the toilet lid and starts making a lot of loud saw-dust noise. Rita: Huh? Hey!! What's going on here?!?!?! Can't you see I'm sleepin'!?!? Bulk: Did you hear that? Skull: Oh no! I think mom's home! Bulk: It didn't sound like your mother. Skull: It didn't? Bulk: I must be hearing things, go back to work. SCENE XI: The rangers are in--as usual--Billy's stupid garage, when suddenly the sky goes from sunny day to mid-evening. Kimberly: Well? Billy: Hmmm, this CD looks scarse. I don't know WHAT to do about this. Zack: Neither do the writers. Billy: Uh huh. . . . . . . . . A hem! Hey writers!! I ran out of lines! The AB Writers are asleep. Zack: Ugh, looks like we'll have to wing it. Billy: Right, if that fuc***g Lord Bread pulls some more sh*t on us, we'll just have to force his a*s to look like fresh meat. AB Writer: Huh?!?!?! Oh no, I was asleep. Billy: I knew that was one good way to wake those goons up. Now for some real lines. Jason: Ya know, Billy, without that rotten sliced off head Zordon to tell us to look at the viewing globe, we really don't know WHAT to do, right? Billy: Doesn't matter, see this monster doesn't do anything besides be written really not-so-clever lines. Kimberly: It's starting to seem this parody is going no where, and going on a 125 to get there. Zack: Hehehehe, I think the best thing to do about now, now that we've succesfully destroyed and murdered this scene, is to morph. Jason: Okee dokee, IT'S MORPHIN TIME! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterydorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat Jason: Trashosaurus Billy: Ahh, another one of life's most bitersweet co-incedences, a pre-grown monster that vomits all the time, gee, I must be the luckiest guy on earth! Jason: This is really, really, weird. What we NEED is BlunderZord power! Zack: Majormess-Cowardly Lion BlunderZord Power is what I want! heh-heh Kimberly: Pterydorky-TiredBird BlunderZord power! Billy: Tribladdertops-Acorn BlunderZord power! Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat-Lipton Tea BlunderZord Power! Jason: Trashosaurus-Red Dragon Liver BlunderZord power! As usual, the Zords crash together (taking forever) with the lousy recorded music and rumble with Dumb-Butt. Dumb-Butt is clapping her hands. Dumb-Butt: Pretty impressive. Jason: Thanks. Dumb-Butt: Where can I get a deal on that equiptment? Lord Bread: DUMB-BUTT!! D.B.: Uhh, what? Lord Bread: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CRUSH THEM!! D.B.: Awww, I always get the boring jobs. Jason: Well, stepping back into character, I'M GONNA FINISH YOU, GRAVY-FACE!! D.B.: You won't be so cocky once you've met my stupid sisters, Pixie and Trixie! Hahahahaa, get em!! After a long and destructive battle, the rangers come to a decision. Jason: Ya know, it just accourd to me, this isn't working. Zack: What do we do? Jason: Do I look like the answerman? Trini: Ya know, I don't really like your attitude. Jason: Well deal with it. Billy: Well, while you romp with the monsters, I'm going to check out. Jason: What are you doing? Billy: Running to safety. Jason: Wait a minute, dweeb.... Billy teleports out of the zord. Trini: Can I come with you, Billy?!?!? Kimberly: Oh no, flat chest, if we have to take this stupid monster, you should too, I bet Billy has a very good reason for retreating. Jason: He's chicken. Kimberly: See, now, saving your life is the best way to go, and I think... Jason: Aww shut up, you're only defending him to see more of his fanny. Kimberly: So? What of it? Jason: Forget it. Zack: That would be nice and all, but what are we going to do in the meantime? We're yaking and the monster is just sitting there. I'm not sure she's gonna procrastinate any longer. Jason: In that case, I think we better get out of here! SCENE XII: Bulk: Damn!! What are these tools of yours, Skull? Junk!?!? Skull: Hey, they are 8 years old. Bulk: Ugh, we've gotta keep trying. Hand me that drill. They start drilling it open. Rita: I'M TRYING TO SLEEP! LET ME OUT OF HERE! Bulk: Keep going, Skull. Rita: Cut down on the racket!! Skull: I'm trying, it's really hard, it's really sealed on!! Rita: Alright, FINE! I'LL SLEEP ON THE MOON! Bulk: Almost there! SCENE XIII: Billy, with his helmet off, walks into the command center without using his communicator. It's really dark and creepy. Billy: Man, this place gives me the creeps. Billy moves closer to the morphin grid and touches a button when this giant alarm turns on with this Eye-blindingly, and extraordinarily bright light turns on Billy's face with a red alarm going off and sirens going. Morphin Grid: INTRUDER ALERT! INTRUDER ALERT! REMOVE INTRUDER! Billy: HUH? UGH!!!! A giant arm stretches out the morphin grid, grabs Billy by the pants part of his super suit and shirt part of the super suit and a large boot comes out the cabinet and kicks Billy down to this intergalactic tornado like place and he falls flat on his face to a dark basement where he hears Alpha and Zordon debating about something threw some vent like thing beneath him. Billy: Ugh, what a way to be treated as a Pathetic Ranger, sheesh. Hey, what's that? Billy notices Alpha and Zordon in some labortory like place with a guy in a White Ranger super suit on an examination table. Alpha: ...that may be true, but it's questionable. Zordon: Oh no it isn't, it's been proven before that putting the energy into the coin backwards in the morpher will make the ranger go threw sudden sex-changes over and over again. Alpha: Hey, I know what I'm talking about. Afterall, I made Yellow Ranger. Zordon: Yeah, and look how SHE turned out? Alpha: Oh no, I hate it when you use my examples against me. Zordon: If we can't finish White-Out Ranger, our beloved plan will go up in smoke. Alpha: Oh alright. Billy's watching them with this astonished and amazed look on his face. Billy: Whoa, this is totally awesome! TO BE CONTINUED... (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... With Billy's new found information, Billy becomes the victim up intense interrogation... Jason: TALK, NERD-BOY! Billy: All I saw was his butt, but he looks nothing like us, I have no idea as to who he is... ...Lord Bread's stupid plan prospers as he challenges the vunerable rangers to this sick little game of his with Dumb-Butt... Lord Bread: Ah! I can't believe it! I thought all that White-Out Ranger was going to be was a publicity stunt, not an actual savior! Goldar: You should have thought of that before going and making a monter called Dumb-Butt. Lord Bread: Shut up before I take away your monster! ...Alpha was rushed by the angry Pathetic Rangers to reveal the truth about White-Out Ranger! Zordon: It has become apparent that you five are too lame-brained to be a superhero team all yourself, and that you need a much stronger ranger to help. Jason: Not me, I'm the leader. Zordon: Not anymore, you are. Jason: WHAT??!!?!?!??!!??!??!????!?!?! Zordon: Yep, White-Out Ranger is, and I'll explain in a minute, it is now time to reveal your identity, White Ranger. The White Ranger attempts to take off his helmet, but after he relases the latches, it's stuck on his head and he enters a comedy of errors trying to get it off his head (ruining this stupid suspense scene). Kimberly: Oh brother. The White Ranger finally gets it loose, then takes 4 minutes just to get it off. Jason: Oh, would you get it over with????!?!? We pan to the other rangers, who are shocked and Kimberly faints after looking at who's White Out Ranger... Are we going to make you think this show is going anywhere just to get you to watch our dispicable show? Is Billy going to make enough noise to get shot at by Alpha? Did I just give away what is going to happen in the conclusion? Am I annoying? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!