Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "White Mite, Part II" Parody of, "White Light, Part II" LAST TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS: Artist Brothers Enterprises found it a point to overhype Zordon's sudden disappearance from the command center to mean something desperately dangerous, when all he's doing is working on making a new ranger, dah I mean, uhh, a top secret project. Zordon: You are right, let us embark on our TOP SECRET, VERY IMPORTANT, ONLY WE CAN KNOW ABOUT TOP SECRET MISSION! Alpha: I have to feed you into this fishbowl. Zordon: Alright. ...meanwhile, Lord Bread threw the rangers a card game of their own with a new monster named Dumb-Butt, whose sisters are even dumber! Lord Bread: DUMB-BUTT!! D.B.: Uhh, what? Lord Bread: YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CRUSH THEM!! D.B.: Awww, I always get the boring jobs. Jason: Well, stepping back into character, I'M GONNA FINISH YOU, GRAVY-FACE!! D.B.: You won't be so cocky once you've met my stupid sisters, Pixie and Trixie! Hahahahaa, get 'em!! After a long and destructive battle, the rangers come to a decision. Jason: Ya know, it just accourd to me, this isn't working. ...Billy discovers that Alpha is working on something after being brutally attacked by Alpha's new alarm system. Alpha: ...that may be true, but it's questionable. Zordon: Oh no it isn't, it's been proven before that putting the energy into the coin backwards in the morpher will make the ranger go threw sudden sex-changes over and over again. Alpha: Hey, I know what I'm talking about. Afterall, I made Yellow Ranger. Zordon: Yeah, and look how SHE turned out? Alpha: Oh no, I hate it when you use my examples against me. Zordon: If we can't finish White-Out Ranger, our beloved plan will go up in smoke. Alpha: Oh alright. Billy's watching them with this astonished and amazed look on his face. Billy: Whoa, this is totally awesome! Is Billy going to make enough noise that Alpha will know he was snooping into something that is none of his business? Will Alpha be so surprised that he'll roll White Ranger off of the examination table and crush his skull? And speaking of skulls, is Bulk and Skull's venture to open up the cannister containing the cantankerous Rita anymore than a stupid whim that will lead to nothing? Will Jason kill the AB Writers for what they are about to do to him in the conclusion of White Mite? Find out, NEXT! SCENE I: Billy: Whoa, this is super, mega cool! Alpha: ...oh certainly, Zordon. I'm trying my best to ignore Billy up there. Zordon: Alright. Very good, Alpha. Billy: Uh oh, they know I'm here, I better get outta here and tell the others! SCENE II: In Billy's garage... The four rangers are surrounding Billy, who's sitting on a chair awaiting interrogation. Zack: TALK! Jason: Who was he? Kimberly: Why didn't Alpha tell us? Jason: Is he more powerful than mee? Trini: What did he look like? Billy (nervously): Uhhh, uhhh. Jason: TALK, NERD-BOY! Billy: All I saw was his butt, but he looks nothing like us, I have no idea as to who he is, but maybe this CD might tell me something. Billy pops it into his computer to analyze and then hears the song from "The Lion King" Soundtrack, `I Just Can't Wait to Be King.' Billy: GREAT! It's the LION KING soundtrack! This was a waste. Kimberly: I don't know why Alpha would lie to us. Zack: Yeah, I mean, why would they leave us? Jason: I think we're liable to get beat up by the staff crew if we ask anymore dumb questions like that. Zack: No really, it's not dumb. Why would they wanna escape us? Billy: Circut meltdown? Zack: Huh? Trini: Ugh, listen Zack, if you don't have anything sensable to say, then shaddup. Billy: Guys!! We should be concerned about this thing with White-Out Ranger. Zack: I mean, who is he? Kimberly: Yeah, who does this jerk think he is meddling with our elite, hard-to-get-into club? Jason: Listen, guys. Would you just GET A GRIP?!?! We have absolutely nothing to worry about. Zack: Yeah right. What if this new guy's gay? Jason: Wwwwwwelllll..............then we'll just have to deal with it. Billy: Yeah, we'll just have to keep our pants on at all times. Trini: Oh but Zack doesn't have anything to worry about. Zack: Excuse me? Do you think this is funny? Trini: No, what I said is funny. They get paged by Zordon. Jason: Hi, Zordon, what is it? Zordon: Teleport. Jason: Alright. 'Cause when I do, I'm gonna scream you back to the 1st century! Kimberly: Now don't be too hard on them. Zack: Yeah, Alpha just might crack if you lean on him too much. Billy: Hey Zack, here's a little doctor's friendly advice, if you do not wish to see your teeth rolling down the sidewalk, it would be wise that you don't open that gateway to hell you label a mouth in my direction again, otherwise, I'll be forced to turn your limbs into pudding. Zack: Grouch. Billy: Underacheivement! Jason: Guys guys guys, I'm supposed to be the butt of this show, so KNOCK IT OFF! We're coming, Zordon. Zordon: On TV? Did you know you cannot expose your genitals on TV? Jason: No, we're COMING OVER TO THE COMMAND CENTER! Zordon: Oh, oh!!! Alpha: For got sakes, get your mind out of the dumpster and lighten up. Zordon: Light-ten up? The rangers teleport. SCENE III: In the command center... Kimberly: Alright, Mr. Sack of lies. Alpha: I don't know what you are talking about. Jason: Oh, but I think you do, 'cause if you don't tell us, I'll take my bottle opener have to pick you apart with it! Alpha is backing up slowly as Jason is moving slowly towards him punching his fist into his hand's palm. Alpha moves up against a wall and is frantically smacking an Emergency Escape Red Button. Billy: Aww no you don't! Billy lifts up Alpha's hand. Billy: You're gonna do some explaining, and you're gonna do it now! Alpha: It's a little rushed, but I value my circut board. Billy: Probably not enough, otherwise you wouldn't "aye yi yi." Zack: So what's the big secret, bucket-mouth? Alpha: This is the new White-Out Ranger. Zordon: It has become apparent that you five are too lame-brained to be a superhero team all yourself, and that you need a much stronger ranger to help. Jason: Not me, I'm the leader. Zordon: Not anymore, you are. Jason: WHAT??!!?!?!??!!??!??!????!?!?! Zordon: Yep, White-Out Ranger is, and I'll explain in a minute, it is now time to reveal your identity, White Ranger. The White Ranger attempts to take off his helmet, but after he relases the latches, it's stuck on his head and he enters a comedy of errors trying to get it off his head (ruining this stupid suspense scene). Kimberly: Oh brother. The White Ranger finally gets it loose, then takes 4 minutes just to get it off. Jason: Oh, would you get it over with????!?!? We pan to the other rangers, who are shocked and Kimberly faints after looking at who's White Out Ranger... SCENE IV: Billy runs over to collasped Kimberly. Billy: Get away, she needs air! Trini: Why don't you just blow it into her mouth? Billy: I'm a WAY ahead of ya! Billy starts to clasp his lips around Kimberly when... Tommy: Next time, Alpha; don't make the helmet SO close to the size of my head. Billy jerks his head up from Kimberly and twists his head around to see Tommy. Billy: Uh, Tommy; HI! Tommy: Hehehe, nevermind--she's a hussy anyway. Hey, beautiful. Why aren't you wearing any underwear? Kimberly: Uhhh, what are talking about? Tommy: Hey, when you fainted, you got a major-league wedgy. Kimberly: Oh great! Billy: Too bad we have to morph soon. Zordon: Meet Tommy, the NEW White-Out Ranger!! Billy: What's so new about him? We've known him for almost a season now. Zordon: We re-bought his entire wardrobe to be all white. Alpha: No we didn't, we just bleached his old clothes. Zordon: SHUT UP ALPHA, WE DON'T WANT THE RANGERS TO THINK WE'RE CHEAP SKATES, NOW DO WE??!?!?! Alpha: Oh, okay. New and improved wardrobe. Jason: Are you SURE this is Tommy? Tommy: I hope so, I'm wearin' his underwear. Zordon: As the new leader of the Pathetic Ranger, he will command all of you with the help of his trusty side-kick, Casaba. Jason: Oh great, we get to be bossed around by a melon. Zack smacks Jason's arm. Zordon: Tommy, extend your right hand to receive him. A large dagger the size of a short sword with an arab cut comes out of a bright light that comes out of the ceiling. On the bottom of the sword we see a molded angry face of a serpant with an eyepiece and chain hanging off of his face. Tommy puts the large object in his holder. Tommy: Oh cool, my very own partner--thanks, Zordon. Alpha: I made him myself. Billy: Wuh oh. Jason: Yeah yeah, whatever--there are three witches out their brewing up something evil for the world and we're standing around her ogling at this new Ranger instead of letting me kick their butts. Tommy: Hahaha, you couldn't take them with all the MegaZord power in the world! Zordon: Because this is an episode where Tommy gets to ego-trip, his new CiderZord is supposed to destroy the sisters of hell including Dumb-Butt. Jason: Billy, Trini, you extras go wander off and have sex. I don't care. Billy: Just the very thought makes me want to puke. Trini: Yeah, well. We'll see you guys later when we just jump into the scene unexpectedly. Tommy: Hehehe, it's morphin' time. Tommy: CiderZord Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterydorky Jason: Trashosaurus SCENE V: A gigantic boulder violently explodes off the side of a mountan as Tommy jumps off the edge of the explosion and lands. [Neet trick, eh?] Casaba: I do say, jolly good show. Tommy: Huh, who said that? Casaba: I did, your new partner and conscious. Tommy: Shut up and tell me what to do. Casaba: Call upon CiderZord. Tommy: How do I do that? Casaba: You don't, 'cause I already did. Out of the side of a mountain comes and over-animated large white mechanical tiger with a fierce roar. It trips and falls on its back and its legs are still running in the air upside down. Tommy leaps inside and plunges his Casaba-Sword inside the control panel. Suddenly, CiderZord rolls onto his belly and falls asleep. Tommy: WHAT!?!? I thought you said this crap works! Casaba: Uhhhh, it musta ran low on batteries. Tommy: BUT IT'S BRAND NEW!! Casaba: Duhhhh, ahhhh.... Tommy kicks the control panel in and he wakes up and starts running again. Tommy: Muahahaha, these three don't stand a chance. Casaba: No, they have 10-1 odds of winning this match. Tommy: Hmmm, shut up--you talk too much! Casaba: Well I don't like you too much either, prrit-ty boy. CiderZord converts to Robot mode. Dumb-Butt dukes it out with the Robot until Tommy is thrown from his Zord skidding on his butt into a tree and is then knocked backwards. Tommy: Aw, I thought you knew what you were doing? Casaba: I do. Tommy (condescendingly): Hehehehehe, you sure could've fooled me. Casaba: That's not so hard to do and don't look at me, it was your idea to use substitute explosives. Tommy: Sorry, I've never had a Upper-crust, snobby British snooty-snot partner before. ================== The rangers are just in a muddy fight for no reason. Jason is constantly smacking Muddies harder than ever. Jason: THIS IS TOMMY! [Smack!] THAT'S TOMMY!! [Kick] THIS IS TOMMY! Kimberly: I think the muddy's had enough. The muddy is on all fours beginning to foam at the mouth. Jason: Nonesense!! THAT'S TOMMY!!! THIS IS TOMMY!!! Zack: I think he's bleeding. Tommy (over the communicator): I think I'll need help! ====================== The other Rangers show up. Kimberly: Oh, so we're in this one. Jason: Yeah, well not for long. Zack: Why's that? Jason: We need Blunder-MegaJunk power! Jason: Trashosaurus-Red Dragon Liver BlunderZord power! The crappy music starts with deadpan singers singing Tommy's CiderZord/power theme as the Zords form together with CiderZord to form the BlunderCiderMegaZord. Verse: Auh, ah auh. Auh, ah auh. Auh, ah auh. Auh, ah auh. Auh, ah auh. Auh, ah auh. Auh, ah auh. Auh, ah auh. Chorus: White-Out Ranger Cider Power! White-Out Ranger, Cider Power! White-Out Ranger Cider Power! White-Out Ranger, Cider Power! White-Out Ranger, Go-Go, White-Out Ranger NOW-OW, OW! Tommy: Oh yeah, Shuki Levi musta been up all night long thinkin' up this no-brainer. All: Blund..--uh, cida; uh...Mega..Drag---OH! Zord, power up! TiredBird falls off BCMZord's wrist and rolls over and over like a bowling ball smashing the feet of the Sisters, Dumb-Butt, Dixie and Trixie blow up until they fall. All: Light Saver, Power Up! Tommy leaps into the air and appears inside CiderZord again. Tommy: Get out, this is my scene! Jason: I'm startn' not to like you much. Billy: I just don't. Tommy: Who asked you? Beat it! The rangers suddenly fade out and vanish. Tommy: Hahahaha, and now [in sync with Dumb-Butt] I'm going to destroy you! Dumb-Butt: Yeah I know, but you wont get away with it without a good fight! Tommy: Have you figured out what their weaknesses are? Casaba: Yes, she is incredibly dumb--ask her a simple question about herself. Tommy: This'll be easier than I thought. Hey Dumb-Butt? Dumb-Butt: What is it, now? Tommy: What's your mother's first name? Dumb-Butt: Mommy, what else? Billy: Oh, Tommy's really cookin' now. Jason: I want my old Zord back. Later... Tommy: Alright, if the ionization of the partical CH2 results in a molecular breakdown, what will de-ionization produce? Dumb-Butt: Re-materialization, what else? Tommy: No thanks to you, Fruit-brain. I've been sitting here idling for 45 minutes reading my encyclopedia to this monster trying to get her to implode. Casaba: Perhaps you should try putting garlic in your shoe and do the twist? Tommy: I have had about enough of you, you witch-doctor. I'm going to clean out Tweedle-Dum and Tweedle-Dummer with my bare-hands! Tommy stuffs a crystal ball down the shaft behind him and slams a red button that fires it out the mouth of the CiderZord and the three monsters' guts explode and they all colapse into a firey pit. SCENE V: Lord Bread's place. Lord Bread: Ah! I can't believe it! [Calmly:] My, bravest--monsters...[yelling] BURNT TO A CRISP! I thought all that White-Out Ranger was going to be was a publicity stunt, not an actual savior! Goldar: You should have thought of that before going and making a monter called Dumb-Butt. Lord Bread: Shut up before I take away your monster! Goldar: Uh, it got destroyed, remember? Lord Bread: Oh. Well, you hear this, rangers; soon--you will not be so lucky when a parody ends with a question mark at the end of the "The End" sign. SCENE VII: Zordon: Exemplimentary work, White Ranger. As you know, you are our new leader. Jason: I don't get this, man; why do you keep reminding us of this? Why don't you just drive a stake right through my heart? Zordon: Because he's the only Pathetic Ranger that has not put shame to our name and reputation. Billy: Figures, well--I gotta go; Kimberly's waitin' for me in the car. Trini: You mean you drove here? Zack: It's four hours to the nearest call-box! Billy: Yeah, remember my Rad-Wreck? Well, we don't see it anymore because I stripped it and left all the junk at Jason's house and bought a new Corvette and put a new radness into it. So now it can do 300mph in 10 milliseconds. Zack: Well good, I was gettin' tired of lookin' at that ice-cream truck you called a car. Trini: Yeah, I was starting to wanna call Power Wheels about making over sized sissy bars. Alpha: Almost forgot, Bulk and Skull found Rita's toilet and opened it--Rita escaped again. Trini: Oh no. Alpha: But she's only 3 inches high. Billy: Yeah, about the size of Zack's ding-a-ling. Zack: One of these days, Nerdy-Pants; I'm going to stick it to you good. SCENE VIII: The rangers return with their helmets on to stuff Rita back into her canister while Bulk and Skull are asleep in Skull's garage. Rita: I will rule the world! Zack: Not like that you wont! Rita: Oh no, I knew it was too good to be true. Jason: Come on guys, let's send her off to another plot in the future before she blows our cover. Zack picks up Rita and puts her back in the toilet and flushes it. Later... All the rangers are standing on the ground above the red-orangish like sky with the toilet with Rita on each of the rangers' hands. Zordon: All set, rangers? Jason: Yeah. Out of no where, a light from the sky zaps the canister and it's sling-shot into the galaxy. Billy: By my calculation, that should land it some place on Neptune. Trini: Won't she come out of there though and try to rule the world? Billy: Uh uh, she can't even see Earth from there, so the only people that have to worry about her are Neptunians. SCENE IX: On neptune, we see a smoldering world with her open canister as she gets out. Rita: Once more, after a 500 billion light-year travel, I made it. Now I will rule! Huh? Where am I? Martian: Arg nif badstoobin plait [What is this?] Martian #2: Gazetty make-nipacoot [It looks like an alien] Martian #1: Ding phat doppy-dip [It's so small though, why did it end up here?] Martian #2: Smeral tailbut jongipy geliplat harnipus bone stupa-wa! [Beats me]. Martian #3: Gazornit-finny herman clavin. [It looks like a toy, let's take it to the kids]. Martion #1 & #2: Thud mooey kovox [Great idea!]. Rita: You don't understand! I'm a great and powerful sorceress, I could have you all turned into new shoes! Martian #4: Maxi pluri nomal thip [She talks too much]. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Kimberly bores everyone about her mothers' purse that looks like a Barbie doll container and talking about her date number one-hundred scillion, five hundred jillion, two hundred and eighty gagillion, two hundred fifty five googolplex, two hundred ninety five sextillion, two hundred and.... Kimberly: I'm true to one, and that's Tommy! Trini spits out her drink. Trini: WHAT??!?!!?! Kimberly: Yeah, what? Trini: I thought you liked Billy! Kimberly: Billy who? Trini: You are truly easy. Kimberly: Hey, when you got it, ya got it. And you don't got it, so you don't get any. Trini: Listen, hussy, Billy is going to be crushed when he hears about this. Kimberly: Eh, get off it. The only reason I'm doing this is because this is a lost script, the writers were too stupid to use it last season, so now I have to pretend like I have an interest in Tommy, which I don't. Tommy: Hey Kim, what were you saying about me? Kimberly: AUUUGHHHH!!!!! TOMMY! Hi!! HOW ARE YOU DOING? Tommy: Fine. Have you been eating tar bars again? Kimberly: No! I'm quite fine! Trini: Kimberly just said she could give a rat's ass about.... Kimberly slaps her hand on Trini's mouth. Tommy: Rat's ass about what? ....trillion, two hundred and.... Lord Bread: Awww, love is in the air and Tommy and Kimberly are having puppy love, HOW SICKENING. Goldar: How can we make their lives even more upsetting than ever? Lord Bread: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING! I'm just gonna say I'm giving you a monster so that you won't whine! Goldar: I don't have to take this. Baboo: Well, you can't get a job as a game show host looking like you got ran down twice by a locomotive, semi and a big-rig. Goldar: I see what you mean. Lord Bread: My new monster will be made of Kimberly's stupid lockets. Goldar: It's a... Lord Bread: I KNOW WHAT THE FRIGGEN THING IS!!! YOU JUST SHUT YOUR FREAKING MOUTH! Goldar: Why are we so mean to each other? Lord Bread: Beats me. Goldar: Figured. Lord Bread: Look out rangers, you're history. Once I release Liplocket they'll be history! ....thousand, one hundred and eighty second! Meanwhile. . . . oh, I see, yeah, we're outta time, I suppose you don't need ME to tell ya what's going on. Oh well, at any rate... Will Billy shoot Tommy for wiping ice cream off of Kimberly's leg with his tongue? Is Lord Bread plotting to thrash Tommy's date because he knows that Kimberly wouldn't sleep with him to save her life? Can the rangers overcome the monster without annoying Tommy again? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!