Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Two For One, And A Free One Too" Parody of, "Two For One" SCENE I: Trini walks into Ernie's Junk Food Bar with a giant smile on her face where Kimberly is sitting at a table with some plastic case. Kimberly: Hey Trini, what's with the smiles? Trini: Don't I always smile? Kimberly: Yeah, but you look like someone re-arranged your face with pliers and scissors. Trini: Alright, I went to the dentist, and they gave me some medication that keeps my face in this position. Kimberly: Ha! That's a good one. I've got more important matters to talk about, like my date. Trini: Yippy, like everyone wants to hear about precious little Kimmy's date. Kimberly: That's right. Trini: Do I have a choice? Kimberly: No. Trini: Figured. Who's the guy this time? Kimberly: I'm true to one, and that's Tommy! Trini spits out her drink. Trini: WHAT??!?!!?! Kimberly: Yeah, what? Trini: I thought you liked Billy! Kimberly: Billy who? Trini: You are truly easy. Kimberly: Hey, when you got it, ya got it. And you don't got it, so you don't get any. Trini: Listen, hussy, Billy is going to be crushed when he hears about this. Kimberly: Eh, get off it. The only reason I'm doing this is because this is a lost script, the writers were too stupid to use it last season, so now I have to pretend like I have an interest in Tommy, which I don't. Tommy: Hey Kim, what were you saying about me? Kimberly: AUUUUUGHHH!!!!!!!! TOMMY! Hi!! HOW ARE YOU DOING? Tommy: Fine. Have you been eating tar bars again? Kimberly: No! I'm quite fine! Trini: Kimberly just said she could give a rat's ass about.... Kimberly slaps her hand on Trini's mouth. Tommy: Rat's ass about what? Kimberly: That darn Bulk and Skull. Yep, they just get more and more annoying as they come. Bulk: WE ARE GOING TO FIND THE PATHETIC RANGERS!!! All the customers throw old produce at Bulk and Skull until they run out the Junk Food Bar. Tommy: Thanks customers, I thought I was gonna have to endure another one of these episodes. So what's this trinket of yours? Kimberly: Oh it's my mom's priceless.... Trini: Priceless? Kimberly: Well, her fifth husband bought her this one. Trini: Fifth? Kimberly: SHUT UP!! Trini: Why? Kimberly: You're embarressing me. Trini: Why should I care? Kimberly: How would you like to wake up with no hair? Trini: Okay, okay. Tommy: Ladies, ladies, don't fight. I wanna secure my second date with Kim. Trini: Second? It's been 32 episodes since Kimberly agreed to date you in "The Green Popsicle." Tommy: I don't wanna remember that horrid display of underachieving writers trying to get ratings. Trini: Point is, I wouldn't go out with this tramp when she never so much as spit in my hair let alone asked me out in months. Tommy: Hey, I'll take what I can get. It's not like you can get that many women with this hairdo. Trini: Then why did you get it? Tommy: I didn't, I touched Billy's 50 mil giggawatt grill, and well, it certainly didn't do my hair any justice. Trini: Well, I sure am glad. Kimberly: Why? Trini: We wasted so much line space that you only have a minute to tell us about your stupid lockets. Kimberly: It's not a locket, tar-face. It's my mother's purse. Trini: Purse? Aren't purses supposed to be bags? Kimberly: Be quiet before I put makeup on you. Trini: AHHHHH!! Kimberly: Thank you. She wore this make-up on her first date. Trini: Like it's anything special. She reminds me of Elizabeth Taylor, the woman who can marry and divorce six times inside one day. Kimberly: You disgust me. Trini: Well, here's something to add to your collection. It's my extra-tramp-prostitution-red-hot-too-hot-to-touch lipstick my dad accidentally put in a gift box for me. Kimberly: But it doesn't look used. Trini: I know, if my dad found out that I used his accidental present, he'd take away my schoolbooks. Kimberly (Sarcastically): That evil man. Trini: Yeah, I know. Tommy: Well gee, Kim, when's our date? Kimberly: What date? I'm going out with Billy. Tommy: No, you just said... Kimberly: Oh now I remember! Today, I like you! Tommy: Is this date worth it? Trini: Hey, if you come back saying you're one of the 150 who got screwed by Kimberly, you'd be the coolest kid in class. Tommy: Cool! Not only will I be the most popular ranger making Jason look like an insignificant bug of a human, but I'll also be the most popular student in Angel Grave High! C'mon, Kim! Kimberly: Fine! Richie walks up to Trini. Richie: Hi there, Trini. Trini (with her tongue hanging out her mouth): Hi Richie, ahh, Richie, ryhmes with rich. Richie: DUhhh, what would you like to have? Trini: Soda... Richie: Okay. Ernie: Aye slave, get over here, I'm not threw beating up on you verbally. Richie: Well bye Trini. Richie bumps into some muscleman. Muscleman: Hey shrimp, what's the big idea bumping into me that, HUH?!?! Richie: Well I ah.... Off screen, screaming and yelling is heard as Richie gets beat up by the muscledude. Trini : Oh... Tommy: I REALLY wish you would stop diggin' on Trini; otherwise, we're gonna faint and the readers are gonna throw a brick at the computer screen. Besides, it's sick. Trini: Hey, can't *I* have a love-life too? Tommy: Well sure, but this isn't a valentine's day episode. Only me and Kimberly are supposed to fake it like we like each other. Now c'mon, Kim, let's date! Kimberly: Okay. Trini: SCENE II: Lord Bread's palace. Lord Bread: Awww, romance is in the air and Tommy and Kimberly are having puppy love, HOW SICKENING. Goldar: There's nothing sickening about it. Lord Bread: And why is that?!?!?! Goldar: Because they don't care about each other, they just wanna use each other to boost their popularity. Ya know--girls wanna hear about Kimberly's first time with Tommy, and likewise with Tommy. Lord Bread: If YOU gross me out once more, I'm throwing you out of the palace! Literally! Goldar: How can we make their lives even more upsetting than ever? Lord Bread: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING! I'm just gonna say I'm giving you a monster so that you won't whine! Goldar: I don't have to take this. Baboo: Well, you can't get a job as a game show host looking like you got ran down twice by a locomotive, semi and a big-rig. Goldar: I see what you mean. Lord Bread: My new monster will be made of Kimberly's stupid lockets. Goldar: It's a... Lord Bread: I KNOW WHAT THE FRIGGEN THING IS!!! YOU JUST SHUT YOUR FREAKING MOUTH! Goldar: Why are we so mean to each other? Lord Bread: Beats me. Goldar: Figured. Lord Bread: Look out rangers, you're history. Once I release Liplocket they'll be history! SCENE III: The date. Kimberly and Tommy are at a table at that French outdoor resturant eating pizza when Kimberly stuffs the pizza down Tommy's shirt. Kimberly is on Tommy hanging off of him until Tommy's smile goes off and his back gets cracked. Tommy and Kimberly are holding hands roller blading spinning around until Kimberly skids and falls on her bottom. Meanwhile, we pan up to a hotel room above them where Billy has a pair of binoculars looking at the two. Next to him by the window is a rifle. Billy: That's right, Tommy--one wrong move and you're history. Kimberly: Tommy, this has been the best date of my life. Tommy: It is? Kimberly: No, I say that to every guy I go out with. Tommy: In that case, why are you telling me this? Kimberly: Because you're gullable and stupid. Tommy: I am? Kimberly: Well, sure. Tommy: Gee thanks, Kim. Kimberly: No prob. Suddenly, the Muddies appear and Kimberly drops her purse. Tommy: Oh that was real smart, Kimberly. Drop it just so the muddies can take it? Kimberly: I'm not supposed to know that. Tommy: Oh yeah, I forgot, you are an airhead. Kimberly: Well our date's over! The muddies are here! Tommy: Damn! And just when I thought I was gonna get some sex. The Muddies give Tommy and Kimberly a workout until they clear 'em out. But, while they were fighting, one Muddy picks up the purse of Kimberly's mom and examines it three times, drops it, then runs away. Lord Bread: Sort of a good job, Muddies! GET OUT! I'VE GOT THINGS TO DO! Lord Bread takes out his X stick (in stock footage) and zaps the purse and turns it into his Liplocket monster. Liplocket: HI, RANGERS! TIME FOR A LITTLE MAKEUP PARTY!!! HAHAHAHAHA! Tommy: Look's like there's no fooling around this time. Kimberly: Duhh... Tommy: I'm trying to get us ready for morphing. Kimberly: Well, try doing it a little better this time. Tommy: Alright, fine. IT'S MORPHIN TIME!! Kimberly: Pterydorky Tommy: CiderZord Liplocket: Your stupid powers can't overpower meee!! Watch this! L.L. runs up to Kimberly and Tommy. Tommy: Your powers are no match for me, the new White-Out Ranger! Kimberly: What does she think she's doing? Tommy: I don't know! But... Liplocket pulls off off their helmets and puts her lipstick on them. Tommy: HEY!! WHADDYA THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?! Kimberly: Cut it out! Tommy: Go away! Let go, get off, stop!! Liplocket: Aww, don't you look adorable? ROT IN HELL! HAHAHAHAHA! Oh my beautiful skin. I'm so beautiful. Tommy and Kimberly are frozen. Lord Bread: HAHAHAHAHA! My Joan Rivers monster is sure to make the rangers go crazy! Finster: ...but whatever you do, don't tell Bread I'm here. I CAN'T go back in that kitchen; if I bake one more loaf of bread, I'M GONNA DIE! Baboo: Gotcha! Lord Bread: HEY YOU! GET OVER HERE AND KISS MY ASS! Squatt: Yes sir. You're the smartest person I've ever met! Lord Bread: Good! Hahahahaha! SCENE IV: Billy is lifting Jason's exercise equiptment, Jason is examining a calculator and Zack is sitting at a chair doing his homework at Ernie's Junk Food Bar. What's wrong with this picture? Jason: Billy! Get off my exercise machine, you're getting un-nerdy. Billy: I'm supposed to always be a nerd? Fat chance, ex-leader. Jason (seething voice): If you--ever bellow my Pathetic Ranger status again, I am going to electricute you until the only hair you have is on your head. Billy: Ex-leader. Jason: THAT'S IT!!! I'M GONNA... Zordon pages them. Jason: WHAT, ZORDON!?!?!?! Zordon: Do not raise your voice in my direction again, or Billy's the second leader. Jason: Fine! What is it? Zordon: Your leader and Kimberly are in trouble... Liplocket, Lord Bread's new... oh just teleport! Jason: Fine, I'll discuss this disrespect with you--Billy--later, c'mon. SCENE V: The rangers teleport to the Command Center where Trini is already standing around, smiling. Zack: Why are you here? Alpha: Nevermind. Billy: Probably got paged before us. Trini: No, it's just that I had nothing better to do. Zordon: If you'd stop yaking, you'd notice that the rangers' heads are trapped in a red globe of lipstick without their helmets on. Jason: Why's that? Alpha: She yanked 'em off and smeared her poison lipstck on it. Zack: Gross. Billy: Hmmm, I'll stick around to try and invent something to get them free while you go throw your bodies at Liplocket in an attempt to destroy it to save Kimberly. Jason: Great. I'm outta here. Zack: Wait a second, idiot. Why are you fighting for Kimberly? When she's Billy's chic? Trini: Pew. Billy: Shut up. Jason: Yeah, Billy; why am I going to face humiliation just to save your baby? Billy: Because I am a coward, and I'll show Zordon THEE picture. Jason: HEY now, that could be a picture of anybody's ass on Trini's... Alpha hits the ground smoking. Trini: Why did he do that? Billy: He finally finished reading his latest Playboy magazine. Zack: Uh right, anyway--Jason, are you sure you'll be okay? Jason: Hey, man; you know me. I'll call ya if anything goes wrong. Zack: Alright, but you better be right, man; afterall, we're bra's, man. Billy: I think that's bro's. Jason: Yeah, well, I'm outta here. Billy: I forgot mention--Zack goes too. Zack: Oh no, not me--I'm too young to... Jason: It's MORPHIN' Time! Zack: Majormess Jason: Trashosaurus SCENE VI: At the park, Tommy and Kimberly and frozen with red glowing energy lasers circling their heads. Jason and Zack show up. Zack finally uses his Axe-Blaster. LipLocket: La la la la, HUH?? More Pathetic Rangers??? You want a facial? Zack: Ngha! You've had it! LipLocket: No, you have. LipLocket punches Zack in the stomach, and when Zack's head jerks down, she yanks off his helmet and smears his face with her giant lipstick. Zack is frozen. Jason: That's brutal, you're threw! Jason gets his power sword and slashes LipLocket's face. LipLocket: You cut my face, now you're gonna get it; MON! SCENE VII: We pull out from Alpha on the floor to a shot of Billy and Trini standing around in the Command Center from the ceiling. Billy: Fate strikes again, I'm stuck, alone, with Trini -- how cute. Trini: Have you made the de-froster? Billy carelessly picks up the huge remote device that is the de-froster and has it hanging in his hand. Billy: Oh you mean this? Yeah it's done. Billy throws it back on the control panel and Trini frantically catches it before it falls on the floor. Trini: So what are we standing around here for? Billy: Other than passing the time with something sick like looking at your exposed belly button, I'm waiting for you to get the data so this thing will work. Trini jerks. Trini: Oh! Hehehe. Billy makes a face indicating he thinks "What an idiot." Trini: The computer can't handle anymore data! Billy: We need to get all the data from Jason's Pathetic Morpher on his super suit while he can still withstand the battle so this de-freezer will actually remove all traces of the spell and put their helmet on. If one bit of data is incorrect, it could have catastrophic effects. Trini: Like what? Billy: Their helmets could reappear on backwards. Alpha: Aye yi yi yi yi yi yi yi yi. Billy (sarcastically): There was a lot of useful input, Alpha. Trini: The computer is already overloading. Zordon: You must keep trying. Billy: I knew we should've upgraded these old Commodore 64 computers. Trini runs to the other side of the computer, and Billy (who's doing nothing) walks over to Trini to examine what she's doing and Billy is over Trini in a position most love romances call "the make-out position." Trini assumes a disgusted grin. Trini: Hey Billy-boy, if you do not stop hovering over me like a giant horny-toad, I shall be forced to elbow you onto the ceiling. Billy: Relax, babe. I'm not making a sexual overture on you. Afterall, I like to EAT my pancakes. Trini: Okay, we got the data, sort of. Billy: If this doesn't work, we're giving you to the LipLocket. Trini: Nice to feel appreciated. Billy: Put the de-freezer in that waste basket and connect it to the computer's RS-232 port. Zordon: Waste basket? Trini: What? Billy: Let me. Stand clear--you don't wanna have any part of your body in the electrified waste-basket. See, it's supposed to feed the data to the de-freezer by modulation, and if your body is attached to it--you could get electricuted. Billy bends over in the waste basket when Trini pushes his bottom forward. Billy: Trini, no! Agh, ugh! uhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu..... Trini is standing there with her arms around her body as she notices the lights and flashes and listens to Billy screaming in pain. SCENE VIII: Goldar: It looks like your monster is just sitting and crying while Red Ranger is eating a banana. Lord Bread jumps from his throne. Lord Bread (Glowing): WHAT!? All this time I thought Red Ranger was getting the life kicked out of his pathetic little buns when all she was doing was crying? GROW, you stupid little sissy--GROW! Back to the park... Jason: Trashosaurus-Red Dragon Liver BlunderZord power! Jason fights with LipLocket until he gets knocked on his rear. SCENE IX: Billy is standing with his hair on end smoking with Trini holding her mouth silently giggling. Billy keeps automatically morphing on and off like a flickering light. Billy: I hope you're happy, little miss terrorist. Now before I kill you, let's morph to the others before Jason gets his brain beat out. Billy momentarily morphs again. Zordon: Oh great, the static is causing Billy's super suit and helmet to randomly appear everytime he gets a charge. Trini: It's morphin time!! Billy: I bet you just ellllleccccctricuted me so yoyyyyyyyou could say it's morphin time! Trini: One of the reasons, the other is cause I don't like you. Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat SCENE X: Billy and Trini run up to the frozen three in the park. Trini (light feminine voice): I hope this works again. AB Writers: Not the stunt-doubles with the replacement costumes. Billy: Will you shut up? Now let me just press this button and... The rangers return to normal. Tommy: Hey, where'd LipLocket go? I guess she ran away because she was scared off and intimidated by my fierce White Ranger powers. Hehe. Billy: Knock it off, hot-shot; look! Billy points and we do an extremely fast pull out to Jason getting his brains beat out in his Red-Dragon Liver BlunderZord by the LipLocket. Zack: I knew he needed help. Kimberly: So do you. Trini: I think... Billy: Stop, because you don't--now let's get going. Tommy gets paged. Zordon: Hey Tommy. Tommy: Yeah? Zordon: Your powers are limited. Tommy: WHAT?!?!?! I'M THE UNSTOPPABLE WHITE RANGER! Zordon: I know, I just said that to annoy you that much more. Tommy: Get to the point or else I'm hangin' up. Zordon: Okay, the other Rangers go to have fun calling their BlunderZords and sit in a studio, while you fight the purse-monster running to you from behind right now. Tommy: What? AGH. Tommy is knocked on his bottom. Tommy starts fighting it until the others call for their zords. Zack: Majormess-Cowardly Lion BlunderZord Power is what I want! heh-heh Kimberly: Pterydorky-TiredBird BlunderZord power! Billy: Tribladdertops-Acorn BlunderZord power! Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat-Lipton Tea BlunderZord Power! The BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord is formed. Tommy is, meanwhile, wrapped up in bubble-tape bubble-gum on the ground by the Purse-Monster-With-No-Name. Tommy: Oh great, and I thought Alpha knew what he was doing. Casaba (British Accent): He did, he made me. Tommy: Shut up and zap that huge purse. Casaba: Oh very well.. Casaba floats up to the sky and and uses his eyes to blow the purse to kingdom come and then suddenly fragments of smoldering rock roll over to the suddenly released Tommy. He gets to his feet. Tommy: Huh? Casaba: He destroyed the monster, fool. Tommy: LipLocket? Shoot! And I didn't get a chance to show off my new CiderZord! SCENE XI: The rangers are walking around on the beach. Kimberly: This has been the greatest date, Tommy. Tommy: Yeah right, we had our hydes whipped and wiped for 20 minutes by two mutant cosmetic products that YOU gave her, Trini. Trini: I knew there was something funky about Kimberly's stuff. Kimberly: It was YOUR lipstick. Jason: Nevermind that. Zack: Yeah, look. Bulk and Skull are crawling out of the sea with seaweed hanging off their Pathetic Ranger detector. Billy: What are they doing here? Tommy: Major plot hole, see; we threw them out so we wouldn't have to put up with them, but now that we don't have an ending--we're stuck with this gap in our story. Trini: Chances are, it was lame anyway, so let's just close the story. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Billy--instead of getting a decent episode involving him--becomes responisble for another horrible mishap causing his fellow ranger friends great pain when he creates another useless invention that doesn't better the world of science! Trini: What is this garbage? Billy: It's a weather device. I hope to someday join NBC Network News and anchor the weather forecast. And my invention is just the thing. Trini: Who needs another boring anchorman in a bad leisure suit to tell us something we could read in the paper? Billy: Everyone! The average weatherman makes $500,000 a year. Trini: Well, what's it do? Billy: I just told you. And it's not finished yet. If it EVER, EV-AER got in the hands of EVIL it could cause grave danger. Why, the entire Earth would be doomed to a domestic, landfill, plantless wasteland. Trini: Ooo, look at this: According to the FOX Children's Network, Lord Bread says "Thank You." Billy: Oops. Trini: Oh great. Now we're gonna have to fight again. ...and as Lord Bread said, he was going to turn Billy's stuff into a problem because he has a bad hemmorhoid problem! Goldar: What are you gunna do, oh master of stinch? Lord Bread: What do you think? Cause a meager, but powerful thunder-storm and send everyone fleeing in fear. After that, I'll create a traditional monster made out of something that doesn't belong to me. Can the rangers destroy this monster? Has Billy's poor dad had enough and is going to take away Billy's privelage to create useless junk? Will Trini ever snag a guy? Or would any guy rather be castrated than to go out with her? Does this new episode have a moral? Or is it just a bunch of stuff that'll happen? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!