Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Opposites Attack" Parody of, "Opposites Attract" SCENE I: In the Junk Food Bar... Ernie has a CD song by Paula Abdul named "Opposites Attract" playing throughout the entire building. Billy is sitting in the Junk Food Bar at a table with Trini holding a strange looking gadget that has a huge horse-shoe magnet on the end of it with weird switches and prongs. Trini's checking out the butts of several hunky men. Trini: Watch me snag this guy. Trini throws her purse onto the floor. Trini (sensuously): Oops. A bunch of men and women are just walking around and walking on her purse. Trini: Ah hem.... Ooops. They continue to ignore her and walk on her purse. Trini: Ah hem! WOULD SOMEBODY *PLEASE* PICK UP MY PURSE!?!? This ugly, 80-year-old man appraoches Trini. 80-Year Old: Yeah sure. He bends over, showing his old, un-firm bottom to Trini. Trini and Billy both clinch their hands around their necks and assume disgusted looks on their face. 80-Year Old: Here's your purse, ma'am. Trini: Uhh, yeah, thanks. Billy: Face it, you're unattractive and you're only 21. Trini: You're dead wrong. Watch attempt number two. Trini throws her purse onto the floor. Trini (sensuously): Oops. Trini is sitting in her chair with her legs crossed in a sexy manner while she's posing. A woman in a knee-low grey skirt wearing glasses picks up her purse and bends over in front of Trini. Stiff-Chic: I would be happy to get your purse. Would you like to sign this petition to put an end to liquor stores being created? Trini: Uh-hehehehehe... that's alright. Thank you. Billy: Listen, I'd love to see attempt number three, but since this is my episode--I'm required to not throw up in my first scene. Trini: So, what's this junk you've lunged into the Junk Food Bar. Billy: It's not junk! Trini: This time you used couch-springs? Billy: You wouldn't know the launching of construction of academic brilliance from old chewing gum off of Kimberly's boot. Trini: That's probably 'cuz I don't care. Billy: Then just leave! Trini: Fine! I will... Trini gets up from the chair and Billy stops her... Billy: Hmm... PLEASE keep me company!?!? Trini: I knew you loved me. You can't live without me. Billy: Don't read more into it, flapjack chest. Trini: What is this garbage? Billy: It's a weather device. I hope to someday join NBC Network News and anchor the weather forecast. And my invention is just the thing. Trini: Who needs another boring anchorman in a bad leisure suit to tell us something we could read in the paper? Billy: Everyone! The average weatherman makes $500,000 a year. Trini: Well, what's it do? Billy: I just told you. And it's not finished yet. It's a weather machine that is suppose to chart a solar storm that occurs only every 100 years. Trini: So you mean there's a possibility that this storm will make the Earth be filled with charred corpses, right? Billy: Not exactly. There's a 30% chance of it though. Trini: Holy meatballs! Billy: If it EVER, EV-AER got in the hands of EVIL it could cause grave danger. Why, the entire Earth would be doomed to a domestic, landfill, plantless wasteland. Trini: Ooo, look at this: According to the FOX Children's Network, Lord Bread says "Thank You." Billy: Oops. Trini: Oh great. Now we're gonna have to fight again. Kimberly enters the Junk Food bar in a pink two-piece bathing suit with a bunch of little girls dressed accordingly and a girl Kimberly and Billy's age who looks really out of it with curly neck-length hair. Billy: Kimberly! That's obscene. Kimberly: No it isn't! This is the official Kimberly's "Look Pretty, Feel Pretty" camp troop. Billy: Oh. Billy looks over to see the dopey "out-of-it" girl and begins drooling. He then engages in a bunch of loopy gymnastic motions similar to Bugs Bunny cartoons, backflipping, rolling, flipping and running. Billy (really high voice): HI! I mean, hmm, hmm; hi, my name is Bil... Bil... Billy. Camp Girl: Great! My name is Wendy. Billy: Wendy! Wow! What a rebel name. Trini: Yeah, who's your rock 'n buddy? Barney? Billy: Shut up, Trini! Hi there. Wendy: You already said that. Billy: Right. So I'll pick you up at 8. Wendy: Alright. Is this a date I just made that I don't know about? Billy: No way! You insisted! Wendy: Great! See ya. Kimberly: Hey you! Take your hands off my squeeze or I'll have to bend you into several different finger-sandwiches. The troop leaves. Trini: Billy, do you know what you've done? Billy: Yeah, what? Trini: You just made a date with another woman--again! What are you? Some kind of gigolo? Billy: No. This is what I call my answer to Kimberly skipping around town, letting every guy's busy-fingers play with her goodies. Trini: I see. By the way, you're the geekiest guy on this whole show--and you've been busier with every chic in town more than anyone on this show. Billy: No, I'm in second place. First place is Kimberly. Trini: Ahh. I see. Wendy: Well, I'm gonna skip to my loo, and take my troop a'walking! Sounds like fun? Girl #1: Yeah! Sounds like fun. Kimberly: But we have to wait. The icky bad guy's scene is coming up next. All girls: Booooo!!! SCENE II: Lord Bread: Oooo... Very NICE of Blue Ranger to let me know all about his garbage! Hahahahaha!! That cheap dork of a whimp is so stupid, that he can't make anything work! So, I'm gonna put it to good use by having Goldar use it to play kickball with Billy's brains! Hahahaha!! Goldar: What are you gunna do, oh master of stinch? Lord Bread: What do you think? Cause a meager, but powerful thunder-storm and send everyone fleeing in fear. After that, I'll create a traditional monster made out of something that doesn't belong to me. Goldar: Eventually, if the F.B.I., I.R.S., C.I.A. or any other government agency that delivers severe punishments ever got a hold of you, you'd be charged with so many things, like spying, mistameaners, felonies, breaking-and-entering, graffitti painting, federal offense, attempted murder, police assaults... Lord Bread: Mere laws cannot bounder meee!! So stop wasting my time and shut up! Go down there and steal it! Goldar: Okay, but if you one day find two husky guys in a bad suit slapping tight and uncomfortable cuffs on your otherwise meatloaf hands, don't say I didn't warn ya. Lord Bread: This time, the rangers don't have a PRAYER!! SCENE III: In the Junk Food Bar... We pull-out from a shot of a messed up woman in a must button-shirt holding a glass and in the other hand a bottle of strong whiskey with this very sad, devastated look on her face as she pours some liquor into the cup and gulps it down. We pull-out to Kimberly and her girl-scount group. Girl #2: When do we get to have fun? Kimberly: In a minute. Kimberly and Wendy bring out two huge boxes that they throw onto the Junk Food Bar counter. Girl #1: Can we help? Kimberly: Uhhhh...yeah! Umm, me and Wendy had a great time, and we'd love to share. Why don't you lick these envelopes, stamp them and then file them? Girls: YAY!! Wendy: Now that wasn't very nice. Kimberly: You're new to this show, aren't you? =================== Tommy and Jason are working out on arm stretchers when Bulk and Skull stroll by with another cheap, second-hand invention to find the Pathetic Rangers. Tommy and Jason assume annoyed faces and then leave their stretchers and exercise elsewhere. Bulk: They act as if we're hold'n a skunk! Huh... That just simply means that they can't wait to find out what we've yet to discover! Skull: Looks as if they're just try'n ta get away from us. Bulk: That just proves that YOU don't know anything! Billy: Hey you two, I'm the one inventing cheap stuff. So beat it. Bulk: But we will soon figure it out! Billy: Not on your nonexistant life. ==================== Billy: Listen, Trini; I gotta go test this out. Trini: Alright. But make sure you do it in a bomb shelter. Billy: Oh shut up. What kind of mad scientist do you think I am? Trini: Everything you invent is usually turned into some crazed monster wanting to lop our blocks off. Billy: Hmmp! You do not encourage the wonderful future for the world of science. Trini: Who cares? See ya. SCENE IV: In Billy's garage... Billy: Ahhh! Finally! I don't have company in my room. His garage door rings. Billy: Oh no! It's probably one of the guys. COMING! Billy opens the door. Billy: Hello? Salesman: Hello, I'm from the Mash'um and Wallop Life Insurance Company, Established 1993. Billy: Hah?? Salesman: I'm selling you insurance. Just suppose you slipped on a skate, went skidding down a staircase and into a burning fireplace? Or you went skydiving and a prankster stuffed his old underwear in your parachute? Well, you don't have to worry, because if you sign on the red line, you'll be able to give away your life savings to those that mean the most to you! Billy: Beat it. Salesman: You don't have a loved one? Billy: Listen, I'm a loner. I don't need a balding guy with a few missing teeth in a bad three-piece suit to take my money away if I die. Salesman: That's too bad. But, I care! I really love you. I'd be crushed to death if you died this moment! That makes me a loved one. -- Sign here. Billy: LEAVE ME ALONE! Billy slams the door. The Salesman opens the door again... Salesman: By the way, Mister; you probably will be surprised how many times that works. Billy: If you don't get out of my face, you're gunna need that insurance you're hawking me. Billy slams the door again. Billy: Now where was I? Oh yeah, testing my Testgenerone Demulglifyer. AB Writers: What? Billy: A weather controller! Read the script! Now, hmmmm... Billy begins aimlessly pressing keys on his computer keyboard. Billy: Ah ha! It makes perfect sense. I guess I'll go test it out in the ever spacious, grass-filled, Muddy-home park. SCENE V: In the wilderness... Kimberly and Wendy are sitting in recliner chairs taking in the sun while the girls are sitting in chairs licking and stuffing envelopes. Girl #1: I'm tired. Girl #2: My tongue hurts. Kimberly: Nonesense. Have another piece of candy! It's a surprise, guess what it is? Girl #2: Where's the taste? Kimberly: It's Cherry!! Man, what's with you limp losers? Wendy: I think maybe we should start camping. Kimberly: Oh do I look like I know anything about camping??!? Wendy: Well, you did take classes when you had a life before this series. Kimberly: Alright! Fine! Sheesh, troop leader and they expect you to get your body all icky camping. Alright girls, commence marching! I know, let's go to the ever mind-boggoling swamp! Girls: YAY! SCENE VI: Billy is in the park eating a sub sandwich with his machine on a table. Billy: Hmmm! Roast beef, anchovies and mayo on white, my favorite. ======================= Lord Bread: Goldar, you know your orders. First, mess up that Blue bean, then snatch his machine and quickly bring it to me before any cops see you! Goldar: Why do *I* always have to do this? Lord Bread: Well, if you had any working brains in that empty thing up there in your head, you'd know that Blue Ranger is about as tough as chicken soup. Goldar: Oh yeah. Gee, I guess I don't have much to worry about. I SHALL RETURN!! HAHAHAHAHA!! Lord Bread: Yeah, quit your gloating. Now do it! Goldar: YAAAAAA!! Lord Bread flips Goldar over the edge of his balcony and he falls on his bottom on earth. SCENE VII: Billy is at the wooden table in the park finishing his sandwich when Goldar falls on the ground face first. Billy: Goldar, you don't have to go falling to pieces. Goldar: Blue Ranger! You better gimme your Polaroid machine otherwise I'm gonna raise some hell for you! Billy: Don't count on it, you ugly flying monkey! Billy jumps Goldar, smacks him twice in the face, then jumps onto his belly and starts jumping on it like a trampelene. Then he grabs Goldar and throws him a few feet onto the park's wooden table and then he runs up to Goldar and begins sinking punches into Goldar's belly repeatedly. Goldar: Muddies!! Quit dancing and help me! The Muddies go after Billy, and Billy begins picking them off one by one. Goldar: This is impossible! Billy: Wrong again, repulsive. I was granted some self-respect in my personality, abilities and wardrobe. That means lights-out for you. Goldar grabs his machine. Goldar: Ha! Looks who's on top now, dork! Billy: Give me back my PolaroidMachine. Goldar: Like hell! You can kiss my booty! Hahaha!! Billy: You've got 5 seconds to gimme back my machine! Toy with me, will ya! You better be real prepared before I slap you silly! Goldar: See ya! The Muddies and Goldar disappear. We take this ridiculous zoom in on Billy as he poses like some conan barbarier while a wind machine is going in front of him with leaves from trees bouncing off him. Billy: Okay. I've had my moment. Now to get my machine out of the wrong hands. SCENE VIII: Lord Bread: Excellent job, Goldar! As a gift, I'm backing Bread and Water day up to today, Wednesday. Goldar: Oooo, do ya mean it?!? Lord Bread: But no bread and water on Thursday though. Goldar: Hmmmm. Lord Bread: Anyway, it is now time to do my evil! WeatherMonster, arise! Lord Bread uses his X-stick to create yet another huge-crotched, obnoxious monster with a huge horse-shoe magnet as a head while wearing a tacky blue cape. WeatherMonster: It's all over, Angel Grave! The weather's gonna start looking reeeeel strange! Hahaha! WeatherMonster begins controlling the weather to have an odd, yet severly powerful solar storm: an earthquake, cyclone and hailstorm begins. SCENE IX: Wendy (still smiling): What's going on!?!? Kimberly: WHAT are you SMILING about!? Wendy: It's my job requirement. Kimberly: Girls, stay here. There might be some muddies. I'm off to go kick some ass. Oh no! It's gotta be some'more of Billy's junk! Zordon! What's going on!?!? ============= Zordon: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....zzzzzzz....zzzzzzz SCENE X: In the Junk Food Bar... Everything and everyone is being tossed left and right and Tommy, Jason and Zack fall onto each other. Tommy: What's going on!?!? Jason: I bet it's another crappy invention of Billy's! We REALLY OUGHT TO CONTACT ZORDON AND ALPHA 5 IN THE COM-MAND CENTER!! Ernie: The command what?!? Tommy: The situation is serious, that still doesn't mean open your big mouth! Jason: Be quiet, muscles. SCENE XI: Kimberly: Girls! Stick together! Girl #2: I want my mommy! Kimberly: Shut up you big babies. Kimberly wanders off to go teleport to the command center. SCENE XII: In the command center.... Billy, Zack, Tommy, Jason and Trini are already there. Tommy is standing in front of Billy. Tommy: ...this is all your fault, Billy. Billy: Oh shut up, Tommy. Alpha: Would everyone just be quiet already?!?! Jason: What's going on? Alpha: Observe the viewing globe! Trini: Isn't Zordon supposed to say that? Alpha: Yeah, but he's taking a nap. Tommy: Oh gawd! Alpha: Goldar--somehow--stole Billy's machine, and turned it into a weather monster who's controlling the weather to be dangerously serious. Billy: Leave it up to Goldar to use good science for evil. Tommy: What good science? You suck! Billy: Would you beat it? Tommy: Well, at least I again will get to show off my rad and totally above Pathetic Ranger standards White Ranger powers. Alpha: Big shot. Morph and destroy him. Jason: What's the solution to getting him? Alpha: No fancy ones this episode, you just finish him off in about 5 minutes. Tommy: I'll handle Goldar! Billy: No I will! Trini: I can beat him. Jason: Let me wrap my hands around his ugly neck. Alpha: Wait a minute!! Billy's the one who started this mess so he should face the certain doom otherwise known as smelling Goldar's bad breath. Jason: Let's settle this fairly. Jason gets a quarter. Jason: If it's heads, Billy pops his head off. If tails, Tommy takes him out. Jason flips and MIRACULOUSLY it lands on tails. Tommy: Oh fiddly-dee! What a complete and utter surprise! Billy, you join the unimportant rangers and fight off some muddies. Billy: Great, another unnecessary muddy fight. Tommy: It's morphin' time! Tommy: CiderZord Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterydorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat Jason: Trashosaurus ============ Tommy: It's time to pay the price, Goldy! Goldar: You again, my arch enemy! Tommy: Yeah, let's see whatcha got! Goldar: You'll be sorry! Tommy: Yeah right, you want a piece 'a me, well here it is! Tommy kicks Goldar in the guts 5 times and this bassy smack noise is heard. Goldar: OUCH! Tommy: You want some'more!?! Goldar: This is it! This is gunna get ugly! Tommy: SEET... ============ The other rangers are looking just as silly as the muddies as they fight each other. ============ Tommy: Now what do you think of me?!? Tommy jumps Goldar and kicks up a cloud of dust as he beats the living daylights out of Goldar. Goldar: Wouch!! Ouuch!!! UGH!! Get off!! Help! 9-1-1! Tommy: No way, this is too fun! Goldar lifts his sword and smacks Tommy off. Goldar: This is gonna hurt you a LOT more than it's gonna hurt me! Muhahahahahaha!! The camera jerks closer towards Tommy, who's grinding his feet into the ground near a tree trying to get nonexistant distance from Goldar. =========== Billy: Had enough, muddies?!? Trini: Look! It's WeatherMonster! Jason: And he's eating a banana! Zack: A banana? Billy: Aye you! Get over here and fight! WeatherMonster: I am not contracted to budge until you've called your zords, but only after my master exaggerates me to large preportions. Billy: Great! All we need--a british monster! ============ Lord Bread: It's lights out for you, rangers! WeatherMonster, GROW!! Lord Bread throws his Mickey Mantel signed baseball down at earth and it causes WeatherMonster to grow. ============ WeatherMonster: GRRRR!! Hahahahaha!! Jason: Let's do it! All: WE NEED BLUNDERZORD POWER, NOW!! Zack: Majormess-Cowardly Lion BlunderZord Power! Kimberly: Pterydorky-TiredBird BlunderZord power! Billy: Tribladdertops-Acorn BlunderZord power! Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat-Lipton Tea BlunderZord Power! Jason: Trashosaurus Red-Dragon Liver BlunderZord Power! They crash together into the BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord. All: Let's rock 'n roll! They engage in this dull and duddy battle that eventually ends in WeatherMonster being destroyed. All: Yeah! SCENE XIII: In the Junk Food Bar... Kimberly stomps into the Bar trying to hold up the torn strap on her bikini top. Billy: How was the camp? Kimberly: It was the WORST experience of my entire LIFE! Girl #1: You suck! I'm leaving your stupid little troop! Kimberly: Fine! You'll never earn another badge in this town again! Billy: What's Tommy doing? Kimberly: Jason David Frank is at a table signing stuff. We take a shot of this huge table full of White Ranger merchandise with a line of people waiting to get their stuff signed. Tommy: Hiya. Hey, I'll throw in a nudie of me for 15 extra bucks. Crazed Girl: Here it is! I GOT A NUDIE SHOT OF TOMMY!! Tommy: Step rrright up. Hiya, I see you have my White Ranger opener. Guy: Yeah, but it was edited. For one thing, how'd you get your powers? When were you introduced, and what happened after Kimberly fainted. Tommy: If you want the unedited copy, that'll be 10 extra bucks. Guy: That sounds stupid. But I guess it's worth it. Umm, sign the cassette, "This is my last signing to the Police Officer who will arrest you for pawning naked pictures of yourself if you do not get your ugly ass out of here." Tommy: Right, "This is my last signing to the Police Officer who will arrest me for pawn..." WAIT A MINUTE! Guy: Beat it. Tommy: Guys, we'll have to hold the meeting at my house. Everyone: Awww... ========== Billy: Wendy! Are we still on for tonight? Wendy: Sorry, after my bikini string snapped, my father went kooky and said that I am not to date anymore and I am being put in a convent. Kimberly: You know, that's a good idea! Precistly where you belong! Billy: Great, just that many more women that slipped in between my fingers. Kimberly: Oh don't worry, you've still got me! Billy: Yeah. For how long? Besides, your motor needs a tune-up. Time to go scavanging. Kimberly: How dare you treat me like this? Billy: Look who's talkin', miss double standards. Kimberly: You know, the readers don't have to see this. Billy: Fine, we'll take this in my bed tonight at 10:30. Kimberly: Fine! See you there. Trini: What just happened? Billy: You're going to cry and I'm gettin' lucky tonight. Trini begins crying. Billy: Good night everybody! Shall we, Kim? Kimberly: Yes. Billy and Kimberly have their arms linked together as they walk out the Junk Food Bar. THE END (C) 1995 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Because Tommy is so full of himself over his "sex appeal," he is unable to notice the evil trap Lord Bread has set up for him while Billy and Kimberly are doing slave-duty to help enhance Ernie's Junk Food Bar Halloween-Bash! Lord Bread: Ack. That is so sickening. Every Halloween, mindless humans mock the evil dead with plastic paintings belittling the significant greatness of the immoral lowlifes that gave the name "bad guy" and dumb name. Goldar: I'll write my Congressman. Lord Bread: Your sarcasm is only serving to make me more ticked than I am. Goldar: Hey look, master; don't get all bent outta shape, just come up with a plan to spoil everyone's fun. I did. Lord Bread: You're right. In that case, I'll throw those nitwits a party that'll make you SCREAM! Hahahaha, I'm gonna mess around that quote, unquote "macho-stud" that Tommy labels himself by playing with his main weakness. Goldar: What's that? Lord Bread: His ego. When I send down a pod of nitwitty kids (who I might add represent how much the writers kiss their own ass's) who dress like those annoying troopers known as the Pathetic Rangers. Is Tommy stupid enough to fall for it? Is Tommy going to have a threatening chat with the AB Writers over their decision to make Tommy the jack-ass sucker of this episode? Will Billy explode if he doesn't have one peek of Kimberly in the buff this episode!? And am I boring you? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!