Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "For Whom the Bell Kills" Parody of, "For Whom the Bell Trolls" SCENE I: There's a big banner atop the Doorway into the classroom saying, "Hobby Week" as Principal Capbutt helps the rangers' series-long teacher Miss Appleweed in through the door. Appleweed: Hello, everybody. All: Hello, Mister, (I mean), Miss Appleweed. Appleweed rolls her eyes. Trini: Hi, Mrs. Appleweed. Oh and by the way, thank you for those delicious cupcakes you baked us. Everyone in class starts looking at the five rangers like teacher pets. Obnoxious Kid: Jason -- Boys room--three o'clock. Jason: Have you had fourteen years in karate training? Kid: No. Jason: Then shut up. Appleweed: Okay, class; today begins Hubby Week. You're suppose to all show your... Billy: Excuse me, Appleweed, I think you mean, Hobby Week. Hubby is a Husband. Appleweed: You married? Billy: No, but I soon will be... Billy winks at Kimberly as she blushes. Zack and Jason make barfing signs by sticking their fingers in their mouths. Appleweed: Anyway; Bobby Week. Billy rolls his eyes. Appleweed: We'll start with Zachary. Zack: Hi. My name is Zachary. Obnoxious Kid: Hey idiot -- Zachary who? Zack: Zachary. Kid: I meant your last name, dope. Zack: Zachary Zack. Now get off my back, feet-smells-like-cheese. Now I am going to demonstrate my latest dance, I created. Zack brings his boombox and pops a CD in the machine and presses play. Zack: Here's a new dance I developed all by myself. Zack starts dancing like an egyptian then start doing the vogue. Appleweed: That looks vaguely familiar to the Vogue which can be seen in THIS Madonna video! Zack (meekly): Ah he, ah, a hu, um, yeah. Bulk: Huh, any gay wad could do that. Skull: Yeah, like you. Bulk: Shut up, Skull; or you'll be using your nose as a pencil eraser. Skull: Uh, yes, sir. SCENE II: Kid: When I grow up, I'm going to collect bags 'n stuff and they'll be filled with these wonderful smelling clothes. See, Appleweed? The obnoxious kid shoves his black plastic bags towards Appleweed, she takes one sniff and nearly turns green. Appleweed: Uhh, that'll be enough of that. Jason! The kid sits down next to his other immature friends. Another Obnoxious Kid: Hey stupid, what's your last name? Jason: Bite my butt. Jason goes to the front desk and starts trashing everything doing his karate. Appleweed: I think you better go sit back down. Billy: You know, you should really look into a name change. Appleweed: I'm fine with my name, thank you. Kimberly!? Kimberly bounces up to the desk. She reads a piece of paper and then drops it on the floor. Kimberly: Well my hobby has a little something to do with this. Kimberly shoves out a make-up kit and skimpy, tight clothing. Kimberly: See, I'll put this stuff on and, well... hey! Who wrote my project? [Short pause and annoyed grin] Billy! Billy is snickering. Kimberly: Oh well. Anyway I'm going to be a cartoonist - bye. Appleweed: Umm yeah. Trini? Trini: I collect dolls. See this $760 one? Bulk: Rich bitch. Trini: Anyway! I collect dolls. This is my favorite, Mr. Ficklesneezy. Trini presents a miniature troll doll with dopey-eyes and frayed red hair who's a fat troll doll. Zack: HAHAHAHAHA!!! Zack starts laughing until he falls out of his chair. Jason: You're going to laugh so hard, you'll pee in your pants. Zack: Sorry. Zack gets back into his seat. Trini: Hey bum! You gotta problem with the name? Zack: Yeah, it's cheesy. Trini: Oh yeah? Come on! Zack: You wanna get tough? Trini: Yeah! Trini and Zack start goading each other into a fight. Appleweed: Class, Class, Class! Trini, nice dolls. Trini: Thank you, Miss Appleweed. Trini sticks her tongue out at Zack. Zack and Trini start goading each other into a fight again. Appleweed: Class! No need to get hostile. Now one more outburst like that, and --- Bulk and Skull get detention. Bulk: Us? Why us? Appleweed: Because it's not in their contract to ever get detention unless absolutely necessary. Otherwise, you're our handy stand-by's. Skull: Nice to feel appreciated. Appleweed: QUIET! Now then, Billy? Billy: Thanks. Kid: Hahahaha, what's your name, four-eyes? Billy: Billy. Kid: Billy who? Billy: Billy. Kid: Hahahahaha. Billy: I'm not letting some chowder head know my last name. Kid: It's probably because your dad's some dork accountant with a funny name. Appleweed: Does it matter? Kid: It matters to trivial kids like me. Billy walks up to the front desk and sits his lunch pail down on the teacher's desk and pulls out a balogna sandwich with wiring attached to it connected to an electric battery. Billy: This is my electromagnetic-subatomic-super-conducting MegaSandwich; it's delicious! Packed with radioactive Balogna. I got a deal for that for only 2 bucks at the grocery store. Wanna bite, Miss Appleweed? Appleweed: Leave me alone with that stuff! Billy: Okay. Appleweed: Class dismissed. Next week's assignment, fish and their habitat- why do they need it? The classmates empty the classroom when all that are left is Trini, Billy, Bulk and Skull when they come up to Trini with an attitude problem... Bulk: Hahahaha, Snicklecheeser! Skull: Yeah, BrittleTweezers! Skull grabs one of the raggedy looking dolls and tosses it around a bit. Trini: Skull! Gimme it! Put it down. No! Leave that $2,439 doll alone! Skull: Here, Bulk; catch! Trini: No you don't! Billy: I'll get it! Trini grabs it. Billy: Oh, why can't I ever be the heroic savior? Trini: Because you're a weenie. Bulk runs after Trini and grabs the sandwich and bites it and gets a 500 watt shock. Billy: Delicious, huh? Bulk [Vibrating from the shock]: [Ayeyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiyiy] Billy giggles. Trini: Come on, Billy. SCENE III: We zoom in on Rita's Palace too fast until we reach the balcony where Rita screams. Rita: I never got to play with dolls! Baboo: But sure enough you play with us everyday. Hehehe. Rita: Shut up, oatmeal head. I wanted a doll! All I ever had the time for was thinking of magic spells and whether or not to marry Zordon! Baboo: Bad choice. Zordon was butt-ugly then. Goldar: He still is. Baboo: Yes, but at least his face is distorted. Goldar: Oh yeah. Rita: Uhhhh. I'm going to turn that cheese belly into a gross, snarling, monster! Finster: I have the cookbook. It says here he collects stuff in his magic 1965 Music Box, except he's captured one thing, I don't think is very pleasant. Rita: What's that? Finster: Mariah Carey. But other than that, this is a total foolproof plan. Difficulty rating, oh, 76 percent. Rita: Huh? Finster: Dah I mean, 2 percent, my queen. Rita: Uhhh. Finster: Always hunting for easy money. SCENE IV: Trini is sitting on her bed in her bedroom--for once--looking at all her dolls on her nightstand while wearing a robe with nothing under it. Trini: Good night, Mr. Ficklesneezy. And, because my mom and dad are gone, I can have some fun tonight. Zack is outside Trini's bedroom window wearing a black, full-body cat-burglar jumpsuit and a ski-mask hanging from a rope suspended by a grappling hook on the roof when he climbs up he finds Squatt sitting on the ledge eating a banana while humming and Zack jumps out of his skin and removes his ski-mask. Zack: Dee-hee! Holly crap! I thought you were Trini! It's just Squatt. Get out of my way, blueberry nose. I wanna get a free look. Tonight, Trini's gonna sleep nude. Squatt: Why? Zack: Cause her mom's not home. And I figured that Trini would need to get her pint up sexual desires off with herself. So, tonight's nude night, and I'ma peekin'! Squatt: That makes sense. Huh? Well, I have something far more important to do. Zack: Like what? Shave your legs? Get out those bumblebee pimples in your face? Squatt: Now you've gone and hurt my feelings. Zack: What's to say Trini doesn't wake up because of all this senseless yaking? Squatt: I don't know. That's why I want you to shut up and let me do what I'm suppose to do. Zack: You're going to pay for this. Man, nude night. DAMMIT! Inside Trini's bedroom.. Trini: Goodnight, Ficklesneezy. Trini slips her robe off and all we see is her bare back since she's facing the window in which Zack was looking through. She does away with the robe and lays back onto the bed on her right side. She turns out the lamp and we start hearing creamy sounds emanating from the bed. Meanwhile, Squatt appears inside Trini's room with a remote control look-a-like device. He turns it on and a very, very loud chainsaw sound eminates from the machine and makes a loud buzz noise as a blue light surrounds Trini's Ficklesneezy doll. Squatt: Geez! I wish Rita gave me a silencer! Squatt blows Ficklesneezy up to be life-size. Ficklesneezy: Doh. Squatt: Sh! Trini squeaks with pleasure. Trini: Hmm? Squatt: Uh oh, I'm outta here. Squatt fizzes away like a Soda Pop with the huge doll. SCENE V: Rita: All right, pus-man; what do you do? Ficklesneezy: Didn't Finster tell you? Baboo: She has sudden memory losses. Rita: No I don't! What did you say? Baboo: Oh brother. Rita: Well I remember now, you collect stuff. Ficklesneezy: Sure. I don't know if it will feel to good to be big like this. Rita: Perhaps you'd like me to change you back into a 2 inch piece of uncleaned plastic to collect dust? Ficklesneezy: Oh no no no! Rita: Good, then do what I say. Finster: According to this book of myths, legend, sex, lies and videotape; Ficklesneezy collects anything in his Music Box of which he considers a goody, whatever that is. Rita: Down to earth you will go and collect the Pathetic Rangers and be my personal slave. Understood? Ficklesneezy: YES MA'AM!! SCENE VI: Trini and Billy walk out onto the parking lot of the Angel Grave High School where she goes up to this expensive looking car and whips out a key and opens the door. Trini: How do you like the new Rolls Royce my dad bought me for Christmas? Billy: Your dad bought you a Rolls Royce? Trini: Sure, I'm rich. Billy: You're just rubbing in the fact I have a studebaker and you don't. Trini: Hahahaha, you're right! Hop in and see how it feels to be in a car you'll never get to be in, see or be near as long as you live. Billy: I have half a mind not to bang this thing up right now. Trini: Now now, Billy; then an ugly lawsuit would get into the picture. Billy: I never liked you. Just take me home. Trini: Okay. Billy gets in with Trini and she starts the engine and drives out the driveway onto the street and merges with traffic. Billy: My car is in the shop. Trini: For the 500th time? Billy: Trini! Trini: You know what's odd? Billy: That you actually grew breasts? Trini: No! That Ficklesneezy is gone. Billy: What are you going to do with that old cheaply put together piece of plastic anyway? Trini: I have no idea, but if I throw it away, my dad will think I don't love him. Billy: I thought you always said you didn't. Trini: I don't. I just don't want him to get that idea or he won't buy me that expensive gun he promised me. Billy: You're starting to give me the creeps. I'm glad this is all a great big nightmare. Trini: It is? Billy: Oops, you're not suppose to know that. You know what would make this nightmare gross? Trini: What? Billy: Is if I fell in love with you. Trini begins to momentarily drive recklessly and then resumes normal driving. Trini (Deeply breathing): Don't do that, Billy! Billy: Hahahaha, maybe if you had a car accident, this hunk of trash your dad was stupid enough to buy you would look like instant junk. Trini: I don't know why I agreed to drive you home. Billy: Cause Jason didn't want to. Trini: Why? Billy: Because Zack didn't pay him enough. Trini: Oh gee, Billy in my car. It's about now that I wake up drenched in sweat. Ficklesneezy arrives with his box directly in front of the expensive car containing Billy and Trini blown up to be 20 feet tall. Ficklesneezy: Hi, my name is Ficklesneezy. Billy: Oh no! Thanks to your expensive piece of trash, we're going to die! Trini: It's your stupid fault, you should've guarded my toy. Billy: Oh yeah, like when I get a boner, I decide, `Hey, I think I'll go to Trini's house and guard her stuffed animals.' FickleSneezy: Gee, what a nice goody. Too bad there's that little piece of rot inside it, but I guess it'll do. Billy: I'm never hopping in a chowder head's Rolls Royce again. Aaaaaaaaaah!! Ficklesneezy opens his music box and a bunch of wind sucks up Trini's car into the music box for which he shuts and goes back to collecting things. Trini and Billy: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaagh!! Billy (frantically babbling): Something tells me my calculations will conclude that our oxygen supply is steadily draining, from which we'll molecularly de-materialize and... Trini: Billy, would you STOP your frantic brain leaking?! Trini begins panicking and tears at Billy's clothing. Billy: Trini, are you trying to have your way with me? Trini slaps Billy. Billy: Oww!! That hurt! Trini: Maybe this'll hurt too. Trini pushes Billy forward. Billy: Oww! Trini: You are such a pushover. Trini pushes Billy again and again. Billy: Oww! Cut it out! SCENE VII: The rangers are putting their books in their lockers and getting out their backpacks in the hallway. Zack: You're hobby is stupid, Jason. Jason: What about yours? You rip off old Girly films. Zack: You fought so hard, your pants-crotch split. Jason: What about you? You nearly needed a chiropractor after those dork dances of yours. Kimberly: Stop bickering. After all Mama Keramima face is stuck in a car with Billy, that evil man-stealer. Jason: He's only driving because I don't want to take him. Zack: I'm not taking him. Jason: Billy's a geek. Zack: Billy's a bore. Why, the last time I drove him home, I fell asleep on the freeway. Jason: The last time I drove him, he spilled two soft drinks all over my car radio. The Rangers get paged... Jason: What is it? Zordon: I don't know what's gone wrong, but there's this huge mass roaming the city absorbing everything. Jason: Sounds like Kimberly's lips and Zack's appetite. Zordon: Yeah well, wait! Alpha just patched me into Trini's Car CB Radio. Here's what they're saying: (Quietly over the ham radio) [Billy]: This is all your fault, chowder-head. [Trini]: This is yours four-eyes, If I wasn't idiotic enough to drive your butt-ugly face home, we wouldn't even be in this music box! [Billy]: I'm never looking at your dolls. Jason: They sound like they hate each other. Zordon: They do, but these outbursts are usually not reviewed in the parody. Billy thinks that Trini's trying to steal Kimberly from him in the morphed scenes. Zack: This parody is starting to unravel to a boring yell-fest. Zordon: True, but that has nothing to do with why I'm spying on Billy and Trini, I thought they were going to blurt out that Squatt stole an ordinary, worthless, plastic minion and turned him into a nightmare that consumed the bickering pre-beings in the music box. Zack: Well there's nothing more to do than to kick some... Zordon: No so fast, pre-historic example of mankind -- This monster happens to be Trini's doll blown out of proportion. It is an enlarged Ficklesneezy, but he has kindness in his heart. But, Rita has cast a spell over him. You have to convince him he's to stupid to do anything and then he'll shrink down to size. Besides, for $40 he'll do anything. Jason: This is too easy. Kimberly: That's because this is Trini's idiotic dream. Zack: What a simpleton she is. Alpha: If this is her nightmare, how come we're bagging on her? Jason: Because this is a nightmare, drumhead. Alpha: Oh. Jason: Well, it's MORPHIN Time! Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Jason: Trashosaurus SCENE VIII: Goldar pops outta no where and starts blowing up the Rangers. Rita: Ficklesneezy! FickleSneezy: That's Ficklesneezy. Rita: You DARE correct me?!?! Ficklesneezy: Nevermind. Rita: Go and collect the Pathetic Rangers! Ficklesneezy: Who are they? The Rangers Teleport down and pose. Rita: Them! Ficklesneezy: Oh. Maybe I'll unleash this goodie I haven't unleashed in 2 years, the Mariah Carey one. Mariah Carey begins to sing the last chorus of "Anytime You Need A Friend" and the Rangers start covering the ear part of their helmets. Kimberly: What's that noise?!?!?! Jason: Make it stop, make it stop! Zack: What is that?!?!?!?! Fickle: Don't like that one, huh? Jason: The big dummy's got Trini. Kimberly: And Billy! Zack: Oh no! Kimberly: I'm coming sweet baby! Kimberly rockets over to FickleSneezy and whacks the box from out of his hands. FickleSneezy: Hey, no fair. Goldar: Do you really think the parody hasn't ended yet! Kimberly gets blasted by Goldar's sword and the box goes through the air and lands on the train tracks as a train is coming. Billy: Oh no, I hate this way of dying. Trini: You complain too much. Billy: Oh no! Look! Aaaaaagh!! Ficklesneezy: Stop the train! Kimberly: Don't worry, I'm coming for you, baby! Kimberly grabs the box and opens it (the music starts playing) just before the train comes and this huge car pops out of the Music Box. When it does, it tramples over the strings, gears and rotator motor of the Music Box causing the music to sound out of tune and drag until the music dies. Meanwhile, the now enlarged car is whizzing by as we hear cussing heard all the way. The car stops and Billy and Trini get out. Kimberly runs up to them. Kimberly: Baby, you're out! Trini: What about me? Kimberly: You've gotta morph. Billy: What? Trini: Ugh! Billy: Tribladdertops! Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat! Rita: Ficklesneezy! What's the matter with you?? I told you to... Ficklesneezy: I know I'm suppose to do whatever you say; but I can't do a thing without my Music Box. Zack: Why is this guy always cowing down? Jason: Cause his brains are made out of ground beef. Now let's get him! The Rangers knock Ficklesneezy onto his feet. Rita: Oh great, so much for the plan. Now make my dolly grow! Billy: It looks like Rita's made the dopey man bigger. Jason: Right, so therefore we need DinoJunk Power - now! The stock footage of the Zords arriving plays out. Zack: Hey, why don't we fast-forward the next few minutes of tape? The readers don't have to see this. AB Writers: Agreed. Super-fast pictures of MegaJunkaZord forming rolls by until the film slows again. All five are in the MegaJunkaZord. Jason: Let's get that box, outta his hands! Zack: This, I've gotta see. Jason: Well let's just give him $50 and tell him what to do. Zack: You have that kinda moolah? Billy: No, but I'm sure Trini does! Trini: I don't, my Dad does. Jason: Nevermind, we'll just twist his arm 'til he can't take much more and make him give the city back. MegaJunkaZord twists Ficklesneezy's arm around. Ficklesneezy: Oh ow, that stings. Jason: What!?!?!? That would kill Billy!! MegaJunkaZord grabs the music box from out of Ficklesneezy's hands. Ficklesneezy: Hey! Give me my Music Box back! Gimme, Gimmie, Gimmie [over and over]. Trini: This Parody is getting TOO long! Ficklesneezy: Well you don't have to yell... Trini: Sneezer, give it all back. That's right, give it all back. Give it back... Ficklesneezy begins to let the city return. Trini is chanting "Give it Back" over and over until we dissolve out of this dream scene to reality in Trini's bedroom. SCENE IX: Trini is twisting on top of her sheets dressed in full body pajamas from her neck to her toes. Trini: Give it all back [Wakes up]. Gosh, I have too much Rita on my mind. Trini feels around her body. Trini: Oh thank goodness I'm not naked. The very idea I would do that to myself. Trini checks the window and nobody is there. Trini: Zack isn't there. {Sigh} Uh oh, Ficklesneezy! He isn't there anymore!! EEE, EEE EEE... <-(eerie music) Trini gets up to check the floor. Trini: Oh good, well I guess everything is okay now. Trini cuddles up in bed with the doll in her arms. Trini: Maybe not. Trini sets the stinky doll back onto the Nightstand and turns out the lamp. SCENE X: In class of Angel Grave High... Miss Appleweed: And now, more with Bobby-Week. Billy: Miss Appleweed, that's hobby week. Miss Appleweed: Stop it, Mr. Billy! And now, Farguson and Eugene with an amazing hobby--if it is. Miss Appleweed starts scratching her belly. Jason: Eww! Trini: So low class. Bulk and Skull walk up to the teacher's desk holding a platter with a cloth over it. Bulk: Well, as you know, we like parasites! Skull: Either that or we are parasites. Billy: Agreed! Bulk: Hey, who asked you, nerd-bummer? We like parasites so much, that we have put together our very own flea circus! Bulk unveils a small circus with no fleas. Bulk: Ta da! Jason: Ppp... HAHAHAHAHAA!! Bulk: What's so funny? Jason: Uh, nothing. Billy is straining to find the fleas in the circus and adjusting his glasses. Jason: You're actually TRYING to find the fleas? Billy: Yeah, it looks fascinating. Jason: Oh good grief. Jason slaps Billy upside the back of his head lightly and he puts his hand to his head in pain. Billy: Oww! OWW!! Ouuwww!! Jason, that hurt! Oww! Jason: You're made of butter, you know that, nerd? Kimberly: Hey, why don't you show us something that we can see, you frauds? Bulk: But, I guess the fleas just escaped. Billy: This is the most pathetic display of trying to win a passing grade. Skull: No one asked you! Miss Appleweed begins scratching a lot because of the escaped fleas and the class begins roaring laughter. Miss Applewed: Ahhh!! Oooh! You rotten, dirty cheats! When I take a bath to lose all these fleas, I'm going to give you an F! AN F!! F! F!! AND A G MINUS!! Embarrass me in front of my class! THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Zack is thrown a birthday party, literally... Billy: I can't believe we have to do all this mess just for Zack. What's so special about that dweeb anyway? Jason: The mere fact that without him we'd look like a stupid frolicking foursome. We'd look pretty racist without a black dude and then we'd have the N.A.A.C.P. breathing down our necks. ...but Rita decides to give Zack a birthday gift of her own... Finster: All right, all right! I'll dig up some ol' monster in this umm doo-hickey. Ahhh, here's one from my 1943 book. Here's the Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight. Rita: What's he do? Finster: Last I knew he scared someone silly. I suppose he's suppose to fight a lot until the opponent can't take much more. I don't think I'd recommend it, but right now it's the only thing I have the strength to make. Will Zack lose his mind in fright from just glancing at this horror? Or will he think it's his Grandma without her teeth? Do the rest of the rangers care about Zack enough to really throw him a Birthday Party? Find out on the NEXT Episode of Pathetic Rangers!