Narrator: And now, a note to our Readers from Billy. Billy: Ah hem, does this thing work? Billy taps at the microphone on the empty stage and this loud squeak noise is heard. Billy: Ah hem, there it goes. Ummmm, this is an extremely violent episode of Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers, and I hope you tuck your children in bed today because this one is rated R. It was even gonna be rated X if Amy Jo Johnson did not get 2 hours on the vibrating bed. Scriptman (quietly): That's NOT why you're here! Billy: It isn't? Then why am I here? Scriptman: Beats me, but you're on stage to talk about Aisha, Adam and Rocky. Billy: Oh right. Ah hem, I mean, three episodes back, three teens of whom Lord Bread intended on turning into his dark Rangers were introduced. And well... Tommy: BILLY made this major, geeky, uncool, totally out of this world, stupidly, dorky mistake and made US have to reveal our identities to three gong-gong heads who we now owe our lives to. Billy: You're not in this introduction. Tommy: I know, I just figured that if I completely embarressed you on national TV, I could get what I really felt off my chest, and abstain from punching you into the next sound stage. Billy: Uh yeah, uh hehehehehe. Ummm, roll on the show. AB Writers: Also.... The Statue is pronounced, Martin Scorsese (SCORE-SAY-SEE) Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "The Power Mastercard, Part I" Parody of, "The Power Transfer, Part I" SCENE I: Tommy, Billy and Kimberly (who have been bunched together uniquely since two weeks ago) are wasting away at Ernie's Junk Food Bar droning in front of his 9 inch boob tube. Tommy: Gee, I wonder what's on? TV Man: Before B.S. Trippers, we want to make a special bulletin for three teenagers who just happen to be the stars of this show and are paying me 10 hundred thousand dollars! Bulk: Get to the point already. TV Man's Boss: GET to the point already. TV Man: Okay, okay. Ah hem, three teenagers have been chosen to alienate German children known as Hansel and Gretel as a metaphore for not encouraging bad eating in Germany as part of their mascoting for World Peace, and the Anti-Nazis Association. The three teenagers are... Billy: Aww gee, I'm gonna get to go to Germany. Tommy: Yeah, then I can show off my new Gray clothes. Kimberly accidentally spills her cola onto Tommy's shirt. Kimberly: Ooops. Tommy: Kimberly!! What's the matter with you? The dye is fading. Kimberly: Well don't get your white undies into a knot. Besides, I'm going to be part of this wonderful thing and I'm so happy 'cause in Germany they have no laws against strutting naked on the streets. Bulk: What makes you geeks so sure you're gonna be the ones? Skull: Yeah? Tommy: I don't know, intuition? TV Man: ...Jason Lee, Zack Taylor and Ralph the Guard. Suddenly, the picture on the TV is of Ralph the Guard from "Animaniacs" with flies circling his head. Ralph: Dahuhhhh, Duhhh.. All: RALPH!?!?! TV Man: Oops, hehehe, musta been a typo. Kimberly: Well, I'm gonna be big about this, you two, but ah, Nyeah!!! Kimberly sticks her tongue out and spits at Billy and Tommy. Tommy: Get a life. Billy: Is that any way to treat your steady? Kimberly: Yeah, especially since tomarrow my next chore is to change the diaper of Aisha's baby brother and wash her car in addition to dancing naked on Adam's table. Billy: You're not gonna let me live this down, huh? Tommy: Not really. I've gotta take Rocky to another karate match so he can humiliate me by being faster and younger than me--again. TV Man: Uh hem, and Trini Kwan. Thank you. Bye. Kimberly: WHAT?!?!?!??! THAT BUTTERMILK BABOON IS GOING TO GERMANY?!!?! NOT ME!?!?!?! AAUUUUGHHH!! Kimberly goes into a frenzi and storms out the junk food bar. Billy: Don't go down the hall there's.... Kimberly: AHHHHHH!!!! Billy: ...20 banana peelings down the hall. Tommy: Oh well, guess I better tell the others the good news. SCENE II: Lord Bread's place. Lord Bread: Hahahaha! So the rangers wanna go to Honalulu, eh? Goldar: Pay attention, that's JASON Does Honalulu. See, his new video is coming out, they're going to Germany. Lord Bread: Do not correct me in my prescence OR on TV otherwise you'll be staring down the matter of a crater! Goldar: Fine, fine. Lord Bread: Well, if they're going to Germany, I wonder why? Squatt: Maybe they're on vacation. Baboo: Oooo! Can I go too?!?! Lord Bread: TRAITOR! Baboo: I'm not really a traitor, I'm just desperate to smell real air and not this steamy fog eminating from your jet-powered fan. Lord Bread (quietly): You want air? I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU!!! We take a shot of Baboo and Squatt together as this giant, heavy disco dance-light looking thing of Lord Bread's is thrown at them really quickly and Baboo and Squatt fall to the floor with the bulb on top of them. Baboo: Doh!! / Squatt: Oww!!! Baboo: I think I need a chiropractor. Lord Bread: Get down on earth and release my crystal of stinch. I killed so many skunks and sucked out their odor and put it in the crystal, there's enough stink in there to put to sleep an Army! Bring it down to Angel Grave, NOW!! Baboo: Yes, sir. Squatt: Big mouth. Now, we have to work. Baboo: Shut up, it was your bright idea to wish to be where the rangers are! Lord Bread: GET TO WORK!!! Baboo: Yes, sir! Lord Bread: Goldar! Goldar: Yes? Lord Bread: Bring me my War machine SerpantSlinky. He's so skinny he can fit into a sucking straw, and I'll destroy the three weak rangers once and for all! Goldar: Yes, this is a brilliant plan! Lord Bread: SHUT UP! Goldar: Do you complain over every word I utter? Lord Bread: Yes, and I don't like you. Bring me my war machine! SCENE III: Out at the park... Tommy and Billy are dragging Kimberly by the shirt up to the other three "rangers" who happen to be seen only in the shadow, revealing their shape, not their face. Tommy: Stop squirming, Kim. Kimberly: I don't wanna! Billy: Uh, could you three stop biking a minute? "Jason": Bite my butt, four-eyes. "Zack": Yeah, get outta our face. Tommy: What's with the attitude? Suddenly, the camera blurrs the close up shot of "Jason," "Trini" and "Zack." "Trini": We're taking over roles for Austin St. John, Thuy Trang and Walter Jones with no pay, no credit; the real ones are running around with their names in the opening credits while doing no work, sitting in Hawaii, and all the pay in the world, and we're getting didley squat, and you're asking us why WE'RE ticked off? "Zack": Can I punch his face in? "Jason": Nah, Saban has us on gunpoint, litterally, to have us behave, so whaddya want? Billy: Ya know, you grumpy grouches, I was gonna tell you you're going to Germany to get free luncheons, and see all the naked women you can meet, but now, I'm gonna have to think about it... "Jason": No problem, dweeb. Ya know, this shadow scene is really getting on my nerves. Kimberly: Well tough toenails, you're coming with us because Zordon is highly displeased and has a bone to pick with you three goons. "Zack" (sarcastically): Ooo, I'm shakin'. SCENE IV: Baboo and Squatt are in the park. Baboo: Ahh, what a great view. Squatt: If we don't do what Lord Bread wants, he's gonna pound us. Baboo: Are you kidding? He falls on his face after taking one solid step. Squatt: I don't relic being beat in the face by Goldar, again. Baboo: Oh yeah, I never thought about that, he dis'es Goldar, but has him beating up on us when we do something stupid. What a raw deal. Set up the stink bombs. Squatt: Let's see, Jambo Jee, Jeebo, Jam, Jerry Seinfeld, Springer, Jerry. Now I let go and, HEY! It worked! [Baboo: Ugh.] Baboo? Baboo? Squatt notices Baboo, who's splattered all over the ground asleep after smelling the sour odor. Squatt: Gee, I told you not to smell it. Oh well, our job is done, let's go. Squatt picks up Baboo and zaps back to Bread's. SCENE V: In the command center... Zordon: I am highly unattrotically, frecksaided in the first tramendor of retuckness. Suddenly, a piece of line paper appears on the screen with a narrator. Narrator: A note to the uneducated, "unattrotically, frecksaided, tramendor and retuckness" means: "I am totally ticked off and I feel like stuffing you into a cheese grater and peeling you out and stomping on you until you turn into a mushy paste for which I can clean my toilet just to pee on." Thank you. Tommy: What does that mean? Billy smacks Tommy on the head. Billy: Stupid. Why, Zordon? Zordon: First, Billy here stages the stupidest mission of the century, and blows our cover to three nong-nongs for which I LIED to by telling them that they were in every way worth knowing who you were, and I had to tell them they were brave when in reality I think they STINK. So I had to threaten to give them a full-frontal lobotomy if they uttered the word seeing is that Aisha is a loud-mouthed, blubbering gossip who can't keep any secrets to herself. And now I am informed that Jason, Trini and Zack are skipping town, which is something not in the Zordon contract of jailing. But I accept, thereby, I need to make new Pathetic Rangers in their place so you incompetent goons won't be lasered to a crisp when Lord Bread cleans you out. Tommy: Could you repeat the question? Billy: You, again, have succeeded in hurting my head. "Jason": What is this supposed to lead to? Zordon: I am saying that I must kidnap another batch of fresh meat, dah I mean, youthful, strong teenagers to stand in your place, but the only way is to use the Power MasterCard. Billy: Eh? Zordon: Yes, you must call the number on the MasterCard, order two rings of power and transfer the power to three teenagers for which you OBVIOUSLY know who they are. We finally pan over to "Jason," "Trini," and "Zack," who now are walking around the command center with a graphical blot following wherever their faces go. Billy: Oh what is this?!?! Kimberly: I sure am glad this is their last episode. This is just getting absurd. "Jason": This isn't fair, I get leukemia... "Trini": Jason, we have bronchitis, not leukemia--leukemia is CANcer. "Jason": I know, I was just... "Zack": Babbling? "Jason": Shut up. I get sick, and now I get fired. Zordon: Well, dems the breaks. Kimberly sticks out her tongue and spits at "Trini," "Zack" and "Jason." Zordon: Another problem is that you must journey to Pluto and bring back the statue of Martin Scorsese to snatch the concrete MasterCard. Billy: Then what? We go on a rocket to no where and walk through fire? Alpha: He considered it, but he read up on it and found out that he doesn't have the funds for the rocket. Tommy: What about the walk... Nevermind. Zordon: As for Jason, in this last battle, If you get to the point towards Lord Bread, again, has humiliated me for making me not have the upper hand as usual, you will need Tar, the stand-by fighting machine. Tommy: Gee, wish ya introduced this sooner, Zordy. Zordon: Shut UP!!!! I'll jetisen you there and I demand you do the job right, otherwise, I'll fire Billy, replace him with Doogie Howser, fire Tommy and replace him with Joey Lawrence, fire Kimberly and then replace her with Heather Locklear! Tommy: Alright, alright, don't have to be a grouch about it. Zordon: Go!! Tommy: CiderZord Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterydorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat Jason: Trashosaurus SCENE VI: They're teleported to the red-tinted planet in format ready for battle. Kimberly: Now what do we do? Billy: He just told us, love toy. Kimberly: I forgot, hehehehe. Tommy: Anyway, on planet Earth... Billy: Uh, Tommy, that joke won't work here. Tommy: Damn, you always get to say it, but I don't. Billy: That's because I know when it's appropriate, airhead. Tommy: Hey Billy, tell ya what, hows about I come over there and basically kick your ass? Billy: Because you don't have the guts. Tommy: Wanna bet? {slamming his fist into his other palm} Red Ranger: Oh no! Look out! We've got trouble! Billy: Funny how Lord Bread's decided to emulate Jason's Red Spinal Column Blunder-Zord to be his fighting machine. Red Ranger: Funny how I'm sick of your jokes. Lord Bread: Oh rangers! Kiss my ass! Red Ranger: You don't have one! Lord Bread: Show him what we think of his big mouth, Goldar. Goldar: Yes! They take SerpantSlinky, direct it at the rangers and shoot. All: Auuuhh!!! Billy: That didn't feel good. Red Ranger: Listen, you guys go find the statue of Film Director Martin Scorsese [Losing breath] I'll handle Lord Bread. Tommy: Hey, ``Jason,'' say: Super Cala Fraga Listic Expeala Docious. Red Ranger: I don't wanna. Tommy: Fake. Red Ranger: Stop calling me a fake! Tommy: What's the big deal? Everyone know it ain't you. Tommy unhooks Red Ranger's helmet and takes it off when a graphical blot just appears over "Jason's" face. "Jason": Ha! The censors are on my side. Tommy: Hahahaha. Yeah, sure. "Jason" puts his helmet back on. Red Ranger: Anyway, I'll handle Lord Bread...by myself... Alone. Now, I know you guys really wanna help and be there for me and... All: Oh let's go, hurry, yeah, get outta here... The rangers scramble away from Red Ranger. Red Ranger: ...and I... Gee, NICE TO HAVE LOYAL FRIENDS! Sheesh, oh well, looks like I'm on my own. Lord Bread: Hahahaha, Red Ranger is all alone, aye? Give him another blast and make him wish he was never born! Goldar: That would be great, but we really shouldn't be wasting so many missles. Lord Bread: Ahhhhh!!! I hate it when you're right, BUT WE HAVE TO DESTROY HIM! Jason: Trashosaurus-Red Dragon Liver BlunderZord power! His zord comes to the rescue. SCENE VII: At the park, everyone's horsing around having fun until this sour smell that is eminating from Lord Bread's newly released Skunk-Smell Bowl comes over everyone in the park. Boy: (Sniff Sniff). Girl: (Sniff Sniff). Kids: (Sniff sniff). All: Ugh! They all fall to the ground and the entire park is cleared out. SCENE VIII: On an average day in Angel Grave, Aisha is walking into the high school hall fending off a guy. Aisha: ...don't you touch me! Dude: Aye babe, chill. Aisha: I'll chill alright, all over your face! And if you pinch me again, I'm gonna twist your body until your back can bend both ways. Dude: Bitch. Aisha: Toad. Dude: Dweeb. Aisha: Pinko. Hmmm. Ahh, what a beautiful day. Aisha walks up to her locker and while she isn't looking, everyone who walks in school falls to the floor after smelling the foul odors of Lord Bread's. School Students: Ugh, augh. [Plop]. Bulk: Hey Aisha, need a little help? Aisha: Yeah, I can't seem to understand my locker combination. Skull: We can help. Bulk and Skull attempt to open it while the fumes are going everyone. Aisha just happens to drop her books and go under the fog while Bulk and Skull fall to the floor. Aisha: Hey, what kinda trick is this, you two goons? Get up! Oh well, men, always toying with your patience. What's this? Aisha notices all of the students in the school are on the floor, unconscious. Rocky: Hey Aisha, what's up? Aisha: Should be what's down, get down! Adam: Why? (Sniff sniff), Ewww, I see, aaaaaa... They're all teleported again. SCENE IX: In the command center (again).... Aisha: Alright, ya old dude, what's the big idea nabbing us this time? Adam: Yeah, just because we have your little lame secret doesn't mean you can just take us anywhere you want. Afterall, you're just a floating head. Rocky: Ya know, I saw that on Donahue, this crazy guy said he wanted to lop off his head, freeze it and have himself live forever. I have to wonder. Alpha walks up to Adam and kicks him in the rear end. Adam: Owww, hey Mechanical Dude, cut it out. Alpha: I could tell you the same thing. Zordon: I don't WANT any lip, if I get anymore, I shall be forced to electricute you in the teleporter and then leave you a vegetable. Aisha: This sucks, how do those six guys deal with it? Adam: I dunno. Zordon: SILENCE!!! The Pathetic Rangers are being attacked by Lord Bread's new SerpantSlinky Fighting Machine, he's also put our not so good citizens to sleep with his funky smells in a crystal. He calls it, Skunk in a Can. The Pathetic Rangers may soon need your help! Aisha: Of course we'll help. Zordon: I am pleased to hear that. Rocky: ...if the price is right. Zordon: Auuughh, just what I thought, you're no more honorable than the other rangers. Aisha: Hey, no one wants to be pushed around for nut'n. Alpha flips out money and counts it and gives it to Aisha, Rocky and Adam. Rocky: We're ready. Alpha: You must go against the wind of the stinch. Aisha: Oh good, I thought I was gonna have to take another bath. SCENE X: The three wind up sitting chained up again around a tree while Muddies are patroling the park. Aisha: This was really quick. What just happened? -====-- Zordon: Gosh, ya ask three goons to do a job right, and whaddya get? SCENE XI: Red Ranger's zord gets a beating from Lord Bread. ======= Meanwhile, the other five are searching Pluto when they see this green little man with metal attatchments. Robot: (Mumbo Jumbo) Get off our planet, too tight clothes wearing earthlings. Black Ranger gets out his blade blaster and zaps him off. Billy: Thank you. We did not need that. Kimberly: Hey look! There it is! Tommy: Cool! Let's see here, to honor and give thanks to Film Director Martin P. Scorsese and his MasterCard. Could this be what happened to the Goodfeathers' statue? Billy: I don't give a rat's patootey! Grab it and split! Tommy: What a nice statue. Black Ranger: Yeah, lovely and all and... Kimberly: Wow, what a great design and... Billy becomes extremely impatient. Billy: WOULD YOU JUST GRAB IT ALREADY?!?!??!?!?! Tommy: Would you like me to zap you like the little annoying trashcan? Billy: Urrrghhh!! Tommy tries to move the MasterCard and it won't move. Yellow Ranger: Why won't it move? Kimberly: I don't know. SCENE XII: Red Ranger: AUUGGHHHHH!!! Jason's zord begins getting pounded. Lord Bread: Oh I am just soo fed up with this! Off him! Goldar: If we waste him just yet, we'll run outta missles. We have to recharge. Lord Bread: Well then blow up everything! The rangers will NOT stand in the way of me and victory! Goldar: And clean underwear!!! Lord Bread: SHUT UP, GOLDAR, AND BLOW UP RED RANGER!!! Goldar: Yes, your decomposingness. Goldar shifts SerpantSlinky in Red Ranger's direction and blows him up. Red Ranger: Auuughhh! That's it! Tar! I need help! Tar shows up and does little good as Lord Bread prepares to blow up the entire planet. Lord Bread: Hahahahaha!! This is it! Goodbye, Pathetic Rangers!!!! SerpantSlinky bobs up into the planet some more and starts piercing a giant hole in the planet with his laser. SCENE XIII: The planet begins shaking as the other five are trying to get the MasterCard. Billy: Great! This was TOMMY'S dumb Idea to awe the statue, now we're going to combust into twenty gazillion pieces! Tommy: Would you STOP griping and give me some help here!?!?! Kimberly: There's not much time, hurry!!! TO BE CONTINUED... (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... With Lord Bread blowing a gasket--as usual, the rangers' fate seems pretty grim--well, sort of. Lord Bread: Hahahahaha! ...meanwhile, the rangers are still after their quest to find the Mastercard to make the new rangers! Zordon: Uh. yeah. Anyway, it is time for the power transfer. Red Ranger: Right! ...Lord Bread plots to turn up the juice on his dastardly plan with his new monster! Lord Bread: Hahahahahaha! Well, if I can't get what I want with SerpantSlinky, let's see how they handle my MONSTER SilverCorn! Hahahaha!! Can the rangers save the day again? Is Jason going to sue for being booted off the show? Did Zack really do mouth-to-mouth with Trini without a plastic protector? Did Jason, Trini and Zack get fired for pulling their pants down, mooning their producers and passing gas too? Am I babbling just to get your hopes up for a good episode when it will really suck like all the rest of the other 62? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!