Introducing: Wendee Swan as Jessica/Scorpina Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Goldar's Schizoid" Parody of, "Goldar's Vice-Versa" SCENE I: In Ernie's Junk Food Bar... Rocky and Adam (who--ironically--are stealing Jason and Zack's style: Adam wearing a sleeveless black shirt and black pants and Rocky wearing black stripes on red on his pants and a red tank top) are practicing karate and Rocky is getting his buns whooped. Rocky: Hey man; don't you remember the agreement? Adam: Right, right. Whenever we're on TV, I must let you win. Rocky: Thank you. Now don't make me repeat myself again. Adam: But since that agreement starts next episode, I still get to beat the cream cheese outta ya! Rocky: HEY!! Adam goes back to beating the stuffings out of Rocky until Adam finishes, walks away and we zoom in on Rocky, who has an agonizing facial expression while he's hugging his stomach in pain. Adam approaches a table at the Junk Food Bar and begins to eat 5 bowls of ice cream sundaes, Banana Splits and Ice Cream with Hershey's Chocolate Syrup. Billy approaches Adam and sits down with him. Moments later, Rocky joins them and slowly perches his seat onto a chair at Adam's table. Billy: Rocky, could you, like, go away? I'm trying to talk to Adam. Rocky: You can't get rid of me!!! It's my que! Adam: What's up, Billy? Billy: Well, the club from which I belong to--The Geek Nerdites Fraternity of American Schooling... Rocky: Exsqueeze me? Billy: ...is putting on a Vice Versa dance. Adam: Why is it called that? Billy: Well, because the girls ask out the guys instead. Adam: Now I know why your fraternity is called Geek Nerdites. Billy: Shut up, Adam. You're just sulkin' cause you're ugly and couldn't get a date to win you a million dollars. Rocky: Hehhehehe. Adam: I was supposed to tell you that. Billy: Why don't we do that all over again? Rocky: Well, as far as I'm concerned, this is stupid. It is a proven fact woman can go without men and sex far longer than guys. That's the reason "Married...With Children" is so unrealistic. Point being, if any guy gets a date this dance, it'll be a miracle. Billy: That's why my squeeze is accompaning me to the dance. Adam: Sorry Bill, but Kim's sick with the flu and she can't come this episode. Billy: Guess I'm dateless too. Adam: Aww no. A supermodel looking chic walks into the Junk Food Bar room, notices Billy and her eyes light up. Supermodel: Are you the guy who did that naked picture on the Rangers in the Buff Magazine issue number 43? Billy: Uhhh... YEA! Billy walks off with her and throws Adam his clipboard and penpocket and his glasses. Adam: Billy just pratically undressed to me and I don't even had a date. Don't think I'm goin'. Rocky: Why not? Adam: GUESS?!?!? Rocky: 'Cause you're a Sissy-Mary and couldn't get a date to avoid catching a bullet? Adam: Yeah. You happy? Now you darn made me look even stupider on TV. Rocky: That is what as known as an eye for an eye. You just got me humiliated on TV a minute ago. So, get a date yourself. Good luck. Here's 25 bucks, buy a date. Adam: I don't need your money, ug-mug!! I DON'T NEED CHARITY! SO YOU CAN JUST EAT SAWDUST, ROCK-HEAD!! Billy walks back to Adam with his hair must. Adam: What happened? Billy: She dumped me when she found out the poser was Jonathan Brandis and that I was attached. Geez, the standars women have nowadays. Adam: Told you you should take more "ranger-magazine" shots yourself instead of having that ug-mug with chocolate-milk hair do them for you. Billy: Well listen, why don't you try Jessica? She's the best looking chic around. Adam: One little problem--she's a hired goon of Bread's. Billy: But that ditch isn't supposed to be common knowledge until she kicks the living crap outta you and your potty-mouth friend Aisha. Adam: Go away, Billy; you're making me feel worse. Billy: Good greif, this show will really be shot if Tommy doesn't get a date. Tommy: Hey guys, I know I'm not supposed to be on the show until the last 10 minutes, but ah, unfortunately, I don't have a date, bye. Adam: Do we live in a world of nuns or something? Billy: This is gonna take more drastic measures. Adam: Yeah, Jessica won't even pay attention to me. Billy: Not surprised. Rocky: Billy! He's feelin' bad, feel for him. So, I know where you can get a deal for blow-up chics! Hahahahaha! Hey Adam, my dog's a little lonely, maybe you can charm her on her big prom night!!! Hahahahaha!!! Adam grabs a bowl of melting ice cream and dumps it on Rocky's head. Rocky: {Long Pause} Adam, I shall ignore this unfriendly gesture, but ah, YOU STILL DON'T HAVE A DATE! HAHAHAHA!! Rocky walks off. Billy: Ignore him. Let's fix up the dance. SCENE II: Lord Bread's. Goldar: Lord Bread, something gross is developing on the kitchen door. I really think we should clean it up. Lord Bread: Lick it up with your tongue, I don't care. I'm depressed. Goldar: When are you never? Lord Bread: You MOCK the sad? Goldar: What's wrong? Lord Bread: I can't seem to find a way to mess those rangers over. Goldar: Well, ya know, Black Ranger seems to be the most desperate living being this episode! He couldn't get a date to become the president of the United States! Lord Bread: Don't give a darn. Goldar: What if we fool that idiot into thinking that this virtual spy we've brainwashed into infiltrating the rangers is a hard-up lady who's never dated in her life? Maybe she'll ask the idiot out, and he'll fall for it. Lord Bread: But who? Goldar: Well, I've already hacked the Youth Center's computers and tacked a Jessica Wong into the computer. Lord Bread: Wong, Wong, Wong. So boring, can't we use a different Asian name? Goldar: Nah, no one gives a damn. Lord Bread: Great idea!! Maybe I'll revive an old buddy of mine. Goldar: She's my buddy, grabby-hands. Lord Bread: Just send her down. Goldar: FINSTER! Clean up that mess on the door. Finster: Very well. SCENE III: In the locker room... Aisha walks up to Adam. Aisha: Hey, Adam; I hear you can't get a date for the dance to save your life. Adam (sarcastically): Thank you, Aisha. I needed that. Aisha: C'mon, someone must like you. Sure I know they have to be pot smokers, or falling off the wagon, but I know it's possible. You're very cute. Adam: Think so? Aisha: Has your confidence been uplifted? Adam: That depends. Will you date me and sleep with me after the dance? Aisha: Hey, I'm not stewpid. Adam: Get outta my LIFE! Aisha walks off. Adam: Hmmm, I know a great way to catch Jessica's eye. SCENE IV: Adam is strolling down the park with a large 2 and a half inch fig newton on top his crotch attatched to a string and three leaves on his bottom and nothing else besides a banner on his chest that says "Available! PLEASE ask me to the Vice-Versa Dance!" Adam approahces Jessica, who is eating dirt and slugs and Adam doesn't notice this. Before he's able to make contact with Jessica, A swarm of muddies appear doing the Temptation-Walk, then they do the Swim, the Jerk and then a conga line. Adam: This is REALLY starting to get annoying. Listen writers, since I'm basically indecent, why don't we take it for granted I cleared out the muddies? I can't afford for them to rip off my Fig-Newton. AB Writers: Very well. Suddenly, all muddies are lying on the ground looking tired and beat-up and then they are returned to Lord Bread's. Adam suddenly notices Jessica is no longer there. Adam: Damn, easy come, easy go. The next time those Flash Dancing dust-brains antagonize me, I'm gonna stretch them into pretzels with my own hands. Some weenie kid on a skateboard rips off Adam's fig-newton and eats it, laughing and Adam immediately puts his hands on his crotch and aimlessly runs away. SCENE IV: At the Junk Food Bar... Billy: Well, I finally got a date. Rocky: Could this be like, the 23rd chic you've dated and dumped? Billy: Hey, they dumped me, I didn't dump them. Rocky: Oh that's a lot to be proud of. Adam comes running into the Junk Food Bar with the Banner on his crotch and another back-banner on his bottom. Billy: Adam, what are you doing naked? Adam: Hey, I gotta get a date. Billy: Yeah, well it'll serve you right if Zack's cousin Curtis asked you out, freak. Adam: Rocky, whaddya think? Rocky: Looks like you'd be willing to date a chipmunk. Adam: Any attractive ones live in Angel Grave? Rocky: Well, I've got a female. Adam: Shhh, here comes Jessica now. Hey, whaddya think of my hot bod? Jessica: Well, if that's a serious question and I wasn't an evil minion, I'd shrug you off like any other normal sober lady. But since it's my job, {stiff-voiced} You've got a.... grrr-eat body. Wanna go to the dance? Adam: Well, I dunno, I've got a big social calendar and ah... Rocky (whispering): Don't be a fool, Adam. Adam: I already am. This is no chic, but she's sure attractive. In that case, sure, why not? Aisha: Hi, Adam. Jessica: He's my stud, not yours, tolken chic. Aisha: How dare you? Adam: Isn't she the greatest? Aisha: I'd like to shave all her hair off and glue it to her chest, her pits and her legs! SCENE V: In the Park, Adam is--again--wearing nothing but leaves while walking with Jessica behind Aisha, Jessica roughly bumps up against Aisha and Aisha assumes an insulted face. Jessica: Honestly, Adam; why do you hang out with this bitch anyway? Aisha: You want a swift ass-kicking? Adam: Simple, she's my, well, sort of, I guess, my, acquaintance. Yeah yeah, and ummm ahhh, see I just wanted you two to get to know each other. Jessica: Yeah right, you're just trying to get underneath my panty line. Adam: That too. Jessica: Just remember the plot, I know you have just a two-inch weiner, so I'm just trying to set you up, D.H. Adam: So Aisha, what's that really rad thing you made in Home-Ec? Jessica: I don't care. Besides, I can't hang out with her. -- She's black. Adam: Oh yeah, now we've lost the respect of the N-double-ACP. We should be expected a flaming phone call from them next week. Jessica: I don't care. Aisha's a tolken bitch, and I don't like her. Adam: Hey look, if it weren't for the fact you had unusually large honkers and an Asian puss, I would dump you in a hot second. Aisha: Adam! She's a pest. Adam: You just can't STAND me to be happy, can you? Aisha: You deserve to get beat up. Jessica: Stay outta this! So, Adam; what grade are you in? Adam: I forgot. Jessica: Great, CAUSE I'M NOT REALLY JESSICA! Adam: Well, I don't care what your name is. Are you going to the dance with me or not? Jessica: AUGHH!! Read between the lines, dip-stick! I'M NOT REALLY JESSICA! I'M SCORPINA!! Jessican turns into Scorpina and suddenly, Goldar appears with them. Adam: Goldar! What kind of stupid joke is this? Goldar: Hahahaha, desperate freak! I figured if I planted this little rude-chic, you'd fall for it, stupid!! Aisha: You got a lotta nerve messing with our minds, gumbo-face! Goldar: You can insult me all you want! Scorpina: Yeah! But you're history. Aisha: Hey! You betta not mess wit' me! Scorpina: WHAT!??! YOU DARE ACT TOUGH WHEN YOU'RE DOOMED!?? Adam: Thanks a lot, Aisha. Your big mouth strikes again. Now we're gonna get killed in brutal, torturous, most disgustingly bloody ways. Aisha: Sh'yeah right. That nitwit Peggy Charren would have our show canceled within a week if we did that, loud-mouth. Scorpina: That's it! I've had about enough of you! Goldar, shut these two up. Goldar: Yessss!! Goldar roughly gropes Adam and Aisha, slams them against a tree and whips out his sword and a big laser rope is tied around the two with laser gags in their mouths. Adam/Aisha (muffled): MMMM!! MMM!!! Scorpina: SILENCE!! Scorpina raises her sharpened sword to Aisha's neck and their eyes light up and they shut up. Aisha spits out her gag. Aisha: You're really coo-coo if you think you're gonna get away with this, you witch. Scorpina: I thought I told you to shut your yap! Goldar: Hahahahaha, let them go, she says. Tell 'em off, Scorpina! Scorpina: You're in NO position to be tellin' me off! You're lucky you're not in four or five pieces!! Adam: No we aren't. It's just bloodshed would cancel our program, and you two suck at terrorism. Scorpina: You better be quiet! Hey Goldar, we've still got time to beat up on the other free rangers. Scorpina: For the sake of the script... Goldar: Gee Scorpina, how come we always say that? Scorpina: Because, it's unrealistic and funny. As I was saying, we still have to make Aisha and Adam feel like lime scale. Goldar: Very well. Well, desperado, don't feel so good now. Adam: If you had any spine you'd untie me and let me fight you. Goldar: That would be too easy, string-bean arms. Besides, you can't move with that big banner on your cock. Adam: Just wait until I get my hands on your throat, ugly! SCENE VI: Billy, Tommy, Kimberly and Rocky are sitting at a table at the Junk Food Bar. Kimberly is in a pink bathrobe with no makeup, a red nose and coughing and sneezing. Tommy: Gee, Bill; did you have to bring Kim along? She's become an annoying, sick, dust mite. Kimberly: Hi, Billy; I don't think I'll be going to dance this week. Billy: Great, now I'm gonna have to date a Sweedish pig. Zordon pages them. Rocky: Yeah, Zordon? Zordon: An emergency is on hand. Billy: Let me guess, Alpha is smoking again? Zordon: Well, yeah, but that's not the emergency. Alpha: ZORDON! Zordon: Uhhh, yeah well ummm, it is important though. Alpha: Thank you! Zordon: {quietly} Not. Anyway, teleport immedietly. The rangers teleport to the command center. SCENE VII: In the command center... Zordon: Well, this is a little complex, so all I have to say to you is: Look at the viewing globe. Kimberly: Oh my gawd, it's Scorpina. Billy: Damn; and just when I thought Bread flushed that witch. Zordon: No. Lord Bread's been keeping her in the trunk of a Volkswagon for the past 7 months. And now, she's back, and desperate idiot Adam set her off. Billy: I knew she was trouble. I mean, why else would a girl like her ask out Adam? Tommy: Got me. Zordon: You must morph and rescue Adam and Aisha--Goldar and Scorpina and fooling with them. Billy: I sure hope not SEXUALLY. Zordon: My head hurts. Alpha: So does mine, when will one of you nitwits fix me? Billy: Uhh, later. Kimberly: God, looking at Adam wearing that banner is so sad. Tommy: They have to morph, otherwise, I'll continue to see more of Adam than I want to. Billy: It's morphing time. Rocky: Wait a minute, Robo-Nerd, who's Scorpina? Kimberly: She's a minion of Lord Bread's. Rocky: Thanks for the deep and insightful description, now I know ALL about her. Sheesh. Tommy: CiderZord Kimberly: Pterydorky Billy: Tribladdertops Rocky: Trashosaurus Scorpina: Dammit! And just when I was gonna screw with these two a little longer. Goldar: Ahh, they're stale. These are fresh! Billy: And you're fresh meat, ugly! Tommy: Let's get 'em! After a long and "endearing" battle, Rocky, Billy, Kimberly and Tommy rescue Adam and Aisha. Tommy: Hey Billy, better be careful with that blade-blaster, if that banner Adam's wearing goes, so will FOX's FCC license. Billy accidentally zaps Adam's banner along with the laser barrier. Aisha covers her eyes when suddenly, a big censor sign is on Adam's hip and thigs. Kimberly: Thank goodness the writers are resourceful enough to put on a censored sign. Billy: Boy, I haven't had a good laugh until now! HA HA HA HA!! Adam: What is so funny, nerd-boy? Billy: The fact mine is probably 4 inches bigger than yours. Adam: SHUT UP!!! I AM TIRED OF YOU INHUMANE PSYCHO'S BAGGING ON MEE!!! It's morphing time, Ai-eesha! Adam puts his hand behind his naked back and bottom to get his morpher and Billy stops him. Billy: Hold it, where'd you get that thing? Adam: You don't wanna know. Billy: Somehow, I'm inclined to think I'm gonna agree with you. Adam: Majormess Aisha: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat All rangers are ready for battle. ========= Lord Bread: DAHHH!! This fight is become repetitive, sickening, petty and predictable, I'm gonna shake it up by making my Goldar and Scorpina GROW!! HAHAHH!! ========= Japanese Goldar and Scorpina grow huge. Billy: Oh boy, we haven't done this with our new zords since!! Kimberly: Oh no! This is gonna be rough! Rocky: We need BLUNDERZORD POWER! Adam: Majormess-Cowardly Lion BlunderZord Power! Kimberly: Pterydorky-TiredBird BlunderZord power! Billy: Tribladdertops-Acorn BlunderZord power! Aisha: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat-Lipton Tea BlunderZord Power! Rocky: Trashosaurus Red-Dragon Liver BlunderZord Power! They crash together. Zordon pages the rangers in the bubble. Zordon: Here's a tip, you're gonna need this new thing-a-ma-jiggy I concocted within 10 minutes. Billy: Gee, this should work. Geez. Zordon: William, be quiet. Anyway, use this, Tar The Shuttle/Turtle Zord, White CiderZord and the BlunderZords! This will be extremely deadly and hard. Rocky: Stop trying to scare the willies out of us. It won't work. Afterall, if the others were able to defeat these same two clowns before with only one zord, what the hell do we need ALL this artillery for? Billy: It all goes back to "The Stupidity." See, Alpha decided to cram by buying a bunch of used garbage that he glued together. Basically, this zord is worthless. It takes Tar, Tommy's junk and other stuff to defeat one monster. I think it's pathetic. Zordon: You bag on the almighty and powerf... Rocky turns off his communicator. Zordon pages them again. Rocky: What? Scorpina's beating the living daylights out of us. Zordon: You have no right to do that to me again! Rocky: Watch me. Rocky slams his fist onto his communicator and turns off Zordon. Tommy: ALRIGHT! WHITE CIDERZORD POWER! Deadpan Singers: Auh, ah, auh, ah... White Ranger Cider pow-ar!!! Finally, Tar, CiderZord and BlunderZords crash together into this huge mass that looks like garbage that makes Scorpina and Goldar roll around a bit until they retreat. Goldar: This isn't over, fools! It's just beginning! Hahahahahaha! Billy: You don't have the guts to bring back Scorpina, fool! Goldar: Mmmm, SHUT UP! Goldar and Scorpina retreat to Lord Bread's. SCENE VIII: At the vice versa dance... All guys from Angel Grave are standing in a large group on one side of the room and all the girls are standing conservatively in another side of the room. Rocky: Well brainiac, great idea making the girls ask us out. Now NONE of us have any dates. Billy: Hey, don't blame me. It's the girls who don't have the taste in us fine studs. We blip to a shot of all the guys in the side of the room who are winos, drunkards and bums. Billy: I stand corrected. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Adam happens to get ANOTHER parody plot and decides to bore everyone about his stupid toilet paper roll! Adam: The world -- is like a toilet paper roll. Long Pause. Kimberly: And? Adam: And, what? Billy: Get away from the class and show us something worth looking at. Adam: Well, when I put this 3-D stamp on top of the toilet paper roll, it looks like something worth looking threw. Almost like a Kaleidoscope. Tommy: You've got a Kaleidoscope for a brain. Adam: Can the rangers defeat Lord Bread's evil plan??? . . . Wait a minute, I KNOW there is something that I've missed... Oh, oh yeah: Lord Bread's evil plan. Well, it was so stupid I figured we'd reveal too much in our plot-give-away'er. So, if you wanna know what Lord Bread'll be up to now, just Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!