Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Lights, Cameras, Uh Oh, Someone Rush Adam to the Emergency Room" Parody of, "Lights, Camera, Action!" SCENE I: The Pathetic Rangers are walking into Miss Appleweed's class. Aisha: Hiya teach! Say, is it just me, or does your hair get shorter everyday? Miss Appleweed: Take your seat. Billy: You need a diet. Miss Appleweed: One more crack like that, and you'll be sent home from school. I'm sure your parents are going to be very proud. Billy: Sorry. Just don't call on me when that cholesterol completely devours your heart. Miss Appleweed: Our class angel Aisha has created a tape for us about television. Aisha brings out this big, 1950, ameteur model of a television set and this dusty, 1985 VCR about the size of an oven and shoves in a tape and presses play. Barely Audible Man: Since beginning, television has made people mindless, thoughtless, reckless and much stupider. Aisha: Ooops. Sorry. I forgot, I need the ABC's weekly "Kiss Up To Television" special. Aisha pops in another cassette tape. Barely Audible Man #2: ...about General David Sarnoff, who is the father of television, and... Suddenly, her tape is stopped and the theme song to "Good Times" cuts on. Singer (singing): ...temporary lay-off... Choir (singing): Good Times!... Adam: Somebody PLEASE, turn that crap down! Aisha: Dread my mom! Always with that Esther Rolle. Anyway, television has brought lots and lots of wonderful things. It even helps us learn things a lot more than reading a book! Billy (calling out): Name one! Aisha: Well... um... It, um, can, uh... Bulk and Skull just abruptly, and rudely belch. Aisha: Uh, teach us how to, um... Belch! Yeah, how to belch, and to um... Aisha notices Bulk and Skull picking their noses and promptly scratching their butts. Aisha: Uh, pick our noses, and scratch our butts and... WAIT A MINUTE. Bulk. Skull, cut it out! Billy: Get outta the way, sister! Television is just a big stuper-machine in which drugs you to a point that your brain starts working as fast as a gas pump. You can't think, you don't remember anything from school; and you end up watching some "Must See TV" crap on NBC like "Wings." Television is evil, and has served little or no good for people. Thank you. Aisha: Now, can anybody say, Net-Work? Try this. Prime-time? Eh? Eh? Eh? Rocky: Excuse me, sir. Uh, I mean, ma'am, what kind of mickey-mouse classroom is this anyway? I learned about television with the use of a small pamphlet when I was nine! I'm 17 for god sakes! Give us something worth our senior year! Aisha: Don't care! These writers are idiots, they didn't learn anything in school, so you shut up. I don't care if we have to teach you your ABC's again! Afterall, we never move up a grade on this show. Billy: That's true. Miss Appleweed: Class dismissed. You shall do an assignment on television and its greatness, blah, blah, blah. Let's not make any trouble and just quietly run out the classroom. Every student--including Bulk and Skull--make a dash for the exit. Miss Appleweed: Eh not so fast, Bulk and Skull. Mr. Capbutt is right down the hall with his paddle. You know where and when. Bulk and Skull: Uhnnnn... Billy: Is it me, or are your classes getting shorter everyday? Miss Appleweed: Don't get on my mean side! I have PMS! Adam: Yeah, but isn't that like, everyday? Miss Appleweed: That's it. Get out of here, Adam! Afterall, I noticed you slacking off during class, folding paper air planes. Adam: Prove it. Miss Appleweed points to Adam's desk, which has paper airplanes surrounding it. Adam: I was framed I tells ya! Miss Appleweed: Cut the dramatics. You do this paper, or die. Adam: That is illegal. Miss Appleweed: Do you really think the police cares about teachers? Adam: You'll see, Appleweed, I'll write my congressman, and he'll see that he puts an end to this, and gets us a friendly patsy for a teacher. Miss Appleweed: That'll happen the day the sun burns out. Adam: Oh my god! I hope it's not next year! Aaaaaagh! Adam runs out of the exit, terrified. Rocky: He's not going to be okay by the end of the week. Kimberly: I don't talk in this one either. SCENE II: Lord Bread's palace. Goldar is sitting in Lord Bread's beloved X chair watching TV singing along to the theme song of "Diff'rent Strokes." Goldar (singing along): Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum... what might be right for you, may not be right for some... Baboo: I don't think you should be doing that, Goldar. Goldar: Heh. And just who's gonna stop me? Lord Bread is taking a nap. Squatt: I really don't think so... Goldar (singing along): It takes, Diff'rent Strokes, it takes, Diff'rent Strokes, it takes, Diff'rent Strokes to... Lord Bread: What in the HELL do you think you are doing? Goldar: ...and eh... Uh, um, hello, Bread. So Nice to see you. You look well rested. Lord Bread: The name is [Gasp] LORD Bread to you! And you'd better have a good explanation for your two smelly cheeks being planted in MY sacred chair! Squatt: We told you you were gonna get in a lot of trouble. Baboo: This is gonna get ugly. I think we better get outta here before the blood gets splattered on us. Squatt: I think there's a good movie at the show. Baboo: Cool! Lord Bread is found beating up Goldar with his X stick. Goldar: Oh pleeze! No! Have mercy!! Lord Bread: I'll show you mercy! Lord Bread takes a final whap at Goldar. Lord Bread: Well, now that you've fired me up, I think I want to fool around. What's going on on that dump of dirt and water called Earth? Goldar: Well, I dunno. Lord Bread: Maybe I'll bring out a generic monster for just such an occasion. Goldar: Hmm. SCENE III: Aisha is in the locker room with Billy, Rocky and Adam holding a TV Guide. Aisha: Hey, it says here that on the `Conehead O'Leary' show, The Pathetic Rangers are going to guest on the show. Adam: That's nice. Maybe we oughta catch it. Rocky: Yeah. Billy: Wait a minute, you dolts! We ARE the Pathetic Rangers! All: Shhhh!!! Billy: Sorry. Rocky: Wait a minute, but we never talked to a TV producer about this. Aisha: Who knows. No one ever did realize what happened after that frat party once... Flashback: Stephen Cardenas is standing on a table in black-laced stockings, panties and a girdle dancing to Madonna's "Fever," while a drunken Sharon Ashley, Amy Joe Johnson, Davey Yost, Jason Davey Prank and John Botch are rooting him on at a fraternity party filled with spilt chips, drunk frat boys and popcorn and drinks all over the floor. Sharon: Go Stephen! Go Stephen! Madonna: Feeva! In the mornin'... Saban Exec: Excuse me, Steve, you six wouldn't mind doing an episode about being on some dorky guy's drip's talk show? Stephen: Do what'cha want, old dude. I'm busy! Saban Exec: Thanks! Out of flashback. Rocky: Doooogh!! Adam: I hope everything goes okay at the TV studio. Aisha: Everything will be okay. Billy: Yeah, as long as you don't blow chunks on the air. Which would humiliate you to the highest magnatude. Adam: I feel a bit queasy. Aisha: Wait to go, Billy! He's gonna be sick all week! What are we gonna do about the missing Black Ranger? Billy: Get Walter Jones on the phone? All break out in mocking laughter. Billy: Oh mercy. Heh heh. Aisha: I'm sure some close friend that works for Saban would gladly take his place. Rocky: That's nice. SCENE IV: Lord Bread's. Lord Bread: So, those pathetic teenagers want to clown around in front of the camera, eh? Well, the only home movies they'll be making is of themselves being carted away on a gurney in a body-bag! Goldar: Before you know it, those idiots will get their hollywood star on the walk of fame. Man, standards just seem to go out the window where popularity is concerned. Lord Bread: ANNNyway, I'm going to make an unoriginal monster by simply turning an ordinary appliance like a video camera into an evil monster. This shall be the Cheez-Whiz Monster! Goldar (eyes split in opposite directions while laughing): Hahahahahahahaha!!! Lord Bread: Is there something amusing, Goldar? I surely hope it isn't related to my plans. Because they are excellent and there is nothing funny about it. Goldar: Ahh, I just think I'll be safe and not answer that. Lord Bread: Hm. According to my logical prognosis, this fight is so lame that we'll have to fill up about 2 minutes, or 2 seconds (whichever comes first), so you get into a ``daring'' fight with Tommy. Goldar: Oh no! Not wunna these again! I'm sick of them. They're boring, man! All I do is fight the little pip-squeak, and he'll knock my sword out my hands, and I'll grab it and go home and get kicked in the ass by you. Lord Bread: Just as scheduled. You don't see me griping. Goldar: Hmm. SCENE V: The rangers are walking in unison through the park. Tommy: Oh, we don't need any lines today. Let's just get the lame Muddie fight outta the way. 'Cause everyone knows that's what's gunna come next because we're awkwardly walking in unison. Aisha: Well, now that we've successfully robbed this episode of any hopes of unpredictable excitement, we might as well get this boring Muddie fight out of the way. The Muddies just run very quickly onto the set and start wrestling with the Pathetic Rangers, who unethusiastically just get this fight over with. A Muddie comes after Tommy and Tommy grabs his arm and twists him over his back and steps on his crotch and he just explodes. Kimberly elbows a Muddie's guts and he falls down and crawls off the set. Adam grabs a Muddie's legs and swings him completely off the set when a loud crash of cameras and lights are heard. Muddie: Hey, I'm not contracted to take these kinds of massive abuse. Adam: Just shut up. Everyone knows that you, like me, just want to get this dull Muddie fight over with, so just put a sock in it. Goldar just appears with no explanation of where he came from. Goldar: Aw man am I late! Whoops. Hahaha! Goldar's in the house. Tommy: Oh. It's morphin' time! Aisha: Are we THAT pathetic that we can't even take Goldar without our powers? Tommy: Probably. Tommy: CiderZord Adam: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Aisha: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Rocky: Trashosaurus The rangers morph into their pajama-looking costume and proceed with the non-explosion filled Muddie fight as Goldar just sits in a director's chair eating popcorn waiting for the camera to call on him when he just laughs. The Pathetic Rangers, who look like they have surfboards in the back of their costumes, very stiffly stumble through the rest of the fight. Tommy kicks a Muddie and he falls down and runs off of the set very obviously. Billy gets a Muddie in a headlock and drops him and kicks his butt as the muddie slowly rolls off of the grassy-set. We take a final shot of all the muddies spread apart on the grass as they all just explode off the scene. Tommy: Told you! We're the Pathetic Rangers! Goldar: Ya sure are. That fight sucked. Well, I'll see you in a few minutes. Tommy: Chow, Ryan. Goldar: Later. Tommy: I think we have a date with a certain boring talk show host. SCENE VI: Bulk and Skull are standing outside the generic TV studio. Skull: So, do we get pizza? Bulk: Wait a minute! The Pathetic Rangers are coming to Conehead O'Leary's show today! Skull: Oh no. Does this mean we have to do something stupid that will most likely result in something embarassing and painful? Bulk: Maybe. We sneak into the studio and yank off their helmets during the broadcast! Skull: Yeah. We'll just waltz passed the six guards at the electric gate. Bulk: Okay, so I haven't worked out the kinks yet, okay? Just stick with me and everything'll be okay. Bulk and Skull see a runaway Laundry rolling cart filled with dirty underwear and T-shirts. Bulk: Very convenient. Bulk and Skull jump inside the dirty clothes hamper. Skull: Ew yuck! These clothes are smelly. Bulk: Don't be a weenie! Moments later... Bulk and Skull are spilt into a Laundry Chute at the studio. Skull: Great! Just great! Nice plan, Bulk! Now we're in a four-walled room filled with clothes that smell like sweat socks and rotten eggs. Bulk: We're just gonna have to find a way to get out. Skull: Be afraid. Be VERY afraid. Yiigh! Bulk grabs Skull and they shove off. SCENE V: Conehead is on stage in front of the audience going through his obligatory monolouge... Conehead O'Leary (on the air): ...and so I say, Who asked ya? Anyway, they say in the paper that wearing latex condems can make a man get queasy morning sickness. So I guess you better not have sex, or else you'll get kicked out the bed for throwing up on your mate. A deadly silence fills the audience as one echoing noise of someone in the audience coughing is heard. Conehead: You all suck! Well, anyway, here with me NOW is Pope John Paul II, making a very, very, very rare appearance! Audience: Booo! Booo!!! The Audience memebers start throwing old produce at Conehead. Conehead: Okay! Okay! Okay! Man, this Leno follow-up job is the PITS! The Audience: We want the Pathetic Rangers! We want the Pathetic Rangers! We want the Pathetic Rangers! We want the Pathetic Rangers! We want the Pathetic Rangers! Conehead: Hey, ya know, you ugly slobs haven't even noticed this cool new outfit I bought. The Audience: Boooooo!! Conehead: Okay okay! Sorry, Pope; the mob speaks. Pope (unseen): I came all this way just for this? Hethens! Heraticts! Lucifers! Conehead: C'mon, scram, old dude. And now, what you really want, the Pathetic Rangers! The Audience: YAY!!! Conehead: After THESE important messages! The Audience: Booooooooo!! Conehead: Aye that's it! You want a piece'a me? I'll spork your asses! All of you! C'mon! Conehead whips out a AFC spork and starts waving it at the audience in his defense as their "boos" get louder. A "Please Stand By" sign appears on the camera. The morphed Pathetic Rangers are standing off the main stage. Tommy: Okay, whatever you do, Black Ranger, don't talk! Black Ranger: Yes, sir. Tommy: That goes for you too, Kimberly. Kimberly: Of course. ---------- Three minutes later... Bulk and Skull are being the stage. Skull: How did we get here? Bulk: Beats me. I guess we're just important cast members. Skull: Hm. ---------- Conehead O'Leary is covering in expired food as he's wiping himself off with a napkin. Conehead: Well now, you warriors, I really ought to give you David Hasselhoff like I have for the past 19 weeks. But, my paycheck should be getting bigger for this abuse. So, you shall get your stupid Pathetic Rangers. Yellow Ranger cartwheels onto the set and thrusts her fists forward as "Universal Studios" style sparklers spew out from the stage as she sits down. Suddenly, Blue Ranger backflips twice onto the set and poses as the sparks fly again, with one of them landing on his cotton-made suit. Blue Ranger: Oh my suit! Somebody help me!! Blue Ranger beats out the flame on his chest then sits down on the couch with the black burnt spot on his chest. Billy (to himself): Some supersuit--Zordon should've never substituted for cheap cloth. Pink Ranger twinkle toes onto the stage, does a ballet routine and sits down. Black Ranger blunders on his somersault and flips over and rolls on the stage and gets up again and swings his fists around a bit and then tries to do a roundhouse and falls on his butt onto the stage and trips on his own foot and runs into Conehead's table. Conehead: Do you even know karate? Tommy: Black Ranger has been legally contracted not to speak. Red Ranger does four backflips, two splits, a tornado kick, and swings his fists. White Ranger does his big scene and back flips into the scene, does two roundhouses when Red Ranger cuts in front of him to do more moves. White Ranger: Aye, stop upstaging me, Rocky! White Ranger just waves and takes his seat. Conehead: You're really the Pathetic Rangers? Rocky: Yup. Conehead: Been in a lot of battles, huh? Billy: Yup. Conehead: So, has it been very hard out there? Tommy: Yup. Conehead: Listen, you spandex wearing sex symbols, you owe me a serious interview, you twerps! Kimberly: All right. Conehead: What was your hardest battle ever? Tommy: Ahh... Aisha (starting to sob as her eyes fill with tears): Wahahaha! Ugh... I've NEVER been in a battle!! I'm a _complete_ fraud!! Aisha falls out of her chair, kneeling while putting her hands over her helmet continuing to cry in shame. Tommy: Hey, get up you idiot! You're makin' us look bad. Kimberly: I'll handle this one. It was with Fudgy Fig. Tommy (whispering to Kim): Wait a sec, that was the easier fight you two have ever been in. Aisha: Yeah, tell me all about it! Kimberly: He was this gross pig. (A lot of unnecessary stock footage from "Senseless Food Wastage" of Fudgy Fig woofing food down and the Pathetic Rangers' weapons. The REAL Yellow Ranger, Trini, throws down a salomi sandwich with ice cream smeared all in it and Fudgy Fig gags and coughs up everything). Conehead: Wow. Isn't that amazing? Audience Member That Sounds Like a Brat-Kid: Hey, Stonehead, how do we know those are the real Pathetic Rangers and they're not just your family pretending to be the rangers in those suits like every other public appearance they've made? Conehead: That's it. You've had your fun. This is war. Conehead throws a pencil at that Audience Member. Audience Member That Sounds Like a Brat-Kid: Ow! Brat Kid's Mother: Oh my god! He's going to need the attention of an eye doctor! You horrible, awful man! Conehead: Kiss my ass, bitch. Now, continue. Kimberly: Uh, that's it. Conehead: Aye yi yi. SCENE VI: Lord Bread's Palace. Lord Bread: Quiet on the set! Lights, Camera, Action!! It's time for my CheezeWhiz monster! Squatt: He doesn't sound so threatening. Baboo: He's supposed to be so constipated that he'll have an attitude problem so mean, he'll really screw the rangers up bad this time. Goldar: In theory. Lord Bread: Hey, Goldar. You think you're funny don't you? Goldar: Uh, er, not really--I was just. Lord Bread: Heh-heh-heh, come meer Goldar; I've got a little task for you. Goldar: Oh no! Please don't do this to me. Lord Bread: That's right, I'm SURE you can handle White-Out Ranger. After all, the only thing he cares about is his looks--you mangle him good; you've fixed them all. Got that, fat boy? Goldar: Yeah sure, but those fights are so degrading and I... Lord Bread: Good! Now BEAT IT! ---------- A white web of energy grabs a spare camera off the set of KDUH's T.V. soundstage and puts it out in the middle of a deserted factory as a mutated camera robot monster. SCENE VII: At the command center. Alpha twiches as though he has to go. Alpha 5: Aye yi, yi, yi, yi, yi, yi! Zordon: Alpha, I already have a headache, don't make me electricute you with my brain power. Alpha: Yeah sure, but I've never heard of anyone getting electricted by two watts. Zordon: Very funny, bucket-head. Now turn on the damn viewing globe! Alpha: Ew gross, it's a monster that has trashcans for limbs. Zordon: It's Lord Bread's latest mutant monstrosity; CheezeWhiz. We must contact the Pathetic Rangers to alert them to this new foe with acid liquid cheeze. Alpha: But we can't page them now, they are on national television! Zordon: I'm sorry, Alpha; but this is much more important than their little trivial ego trip they wouldn't have if it weren't for my emense powers. Besides, Conehead O'Leary's show sucks. SCENE VIII: Back to Conehead O'Leary's lame Talk-Show... Conehead: Welcome back! So, here's a question for you, new White-Out Ranger. What ever happened to the Green Ranger? Kimberly starts to cry and sob. Conehead (starting to sound heart-felt): Aw, what's the matter, Pink Ranger... [Savagely tabloid-like] Got some juicy tid-bit for us lowly, lifeless, hair-in-rollers, unemployed, late-night T.V.-watching, do-nothing loafers? Kimberly: [Pause...] Can't you leave him alone!? What did he ever do to you? All he was was just an innocently abducted sap! [Sobbing & Weeping]. Tommy (patting Kim on the back): That's okay. Well, Conehead--I'd like to stick with the present. I mean, I'm like, so much cooler than he was. He was just a lame little piece of [CENSORED] and he just got bumped off. Conehead: Isn't it true that in fact you just ran out of japanese stock footage for his battle scenes? Tommy: Dah, du--WHO TOLD YOU...I mean... NO! It's just that, he--uh, just decided; look--can we just stick to the subject. Conehead: Sounds like to me, you have something to hide! Eh, audience? The audience makes all sorts of hooting and hollaring noises egging Conehead on. Conehead: And just for a little treat, could you guys just take off your helmets? Billy: Like hell. Conehead: Aw come on. Do it for the audience. Tommy: No way. I really feel uncomfortable talking about this. Conehead: Sounds like to me the topic for another Conehead O'Leary show, eh, audience? The audience makes louder noises encouraging Conehead. Aisha: Look you trash-eating, no-good, two-tone talking savage, we didn't come all this way for you to... Rocky: HEY! I've got an idea. How's about we help our ``buddy'' Conehead, here, learn one of our cool moves... [Angrily] EH, AUDIENCE? The crowd, mindlessly, follows on. Conehead: No, I really don't think. Tommy: Good! Now, all we have to do is... Later... Conehead is seen in bandages as paramedics leave the stage. Conehead: Well, [deleriously] heh-heh-heh... That was really something! But, are my hip-bones supposed to crack like that? Rocky: Not ordinarily, but in your case--we made a special exception. "Do Another!" the audience chants. Conehead: NO, no; I have enough for one... Aisha: Nonsense, let's do another! The rangers get paged. Kimberly: Sorry, Cornhead O'Lamer, but we gotta work now. Conehead: But what about my show? This is the first time my show has ever been ON the ratings charts! Tommy: Hey, that's for you to worry about. Billy: Why don't you go get David Hasselhoff again? David: Hey guys! Conehead: Well; do you at least have any last words? Tommy: Oh yeah. [Walks up to the Audience], ahem... Bite me. Audience: {Gasp!} ---------- Bulk: Uh oh! Skull!! Skull: What NOW!? Bulk: Abrupt change in plans, little buddy! The rangers are about to split! Skull (sarcastically): Oh no. Bulk: Quick! Let's grab 'em before they leave! A roaming security guard finds them behind stage. Guard: Hey! Hey you two, what are you doing here? Skull: Let's get outta here! The Rangers stand in position and take forever to teleport. Suddenly, Bulk and then Skull crash through the the wooden framing of a fake window behind Conehead's desk and fall down onto the stage. They get up and trip over each other and accidentally run into a distraught Conehead, and the three fall into Conehead's desk, breaking it in half. The table leg smashes up a stage light, which falls down onto the camera. The camera flies into a couch, which flies in the air and lands behind the smashed up desk. Conehead: What the hell are you guys... WHO the hell are you?? Skull: Well you see, it all starts with the episode... Conehead: AH-AH-AH!! I don't _even_ wanna here it. Bulk: But sir, we can explain!! Conehead: Okay, that's it. There will INDEED a SERIOUS consequence for this, you stoaways! We take a flash of Bulk and Skull in striped suits. Bulk is washing the walls with a rag and Skull is mopping the floors. Skull: Thanks a lot, Bulk! Now we have to do janitorial duties! Bulk: Sorry, Skull. But it's not my fault that Conehead's set is made out of rotten wood! SCENE IX: In the command center... The Pathetic Rangers teleport into the command center. Billy: Man, that was even worse than when I had to write fake affectionate letters to the Children's Hospital. Tommy: Those little rugrats. They messed up my date because of their stupid Cancer. ``Oh it hurts.'' Join the club, brother. Aisha: God you guys are cold-blooded. Rocky: Hey, I didn't see you shedding a tear when you read about the horrible plague spreading throughout Zaire. Kimberly: It seems that place is always crawling with something. Could I have been the only genuinely caring person for those leukemia-stricken children? Alpha: Excuse me, are we interrupting you? Billy: Uh oh, big boss. What do you want? Zordon: Well, I was starting to become ashamed as I watched you make jackasses out of yourself on a low-rated talk show. Kimberly: Man, that guy was a yutz. Zordon: Anyway, Lord Bread has released a very fierce monster. Billy: Fierce my buttocks. That monster will probably stick around for about 20 seconds as a 7-foot tall monster, then get really big, and we'll get into this boring, 30-second long battle that usually concludes with that stupid BlunderSavor. Could this be the worst episode of "Pathetic Rangers" ever created? Alpha: Nothing tops "The Ninja Disaster." Billy: Duly noted. Zordon: Observe the viewing globe. All the rangers turn their attentions to the viewing globe. Zordon: Lord Bread has released a monster whose background comes from a Sony MasterCam. Tommy: A video camera? How unoriginal can he get! Billy: It looks to me like a mindless mass of metal and gas. Everyone stares at Billy. Billy: Uh, I mean, um; a mindless mass of metal and trash. Oh whatever! Sheesh, that's the last time I try to get involved in the plot. Zordon: Why won't Adam take off his helmet? Tommy: It isn't Adam. He got sick and had to go home for a couple of days. Zordon: Holy meatballs! Tommy: But don't worry, he doesn't do anything in this episode anyway. Alpha: Thank goodness. Zordon: I'm pretty sure there is no weak spot this monster has. You just make fun of him for a couple of minutes then destroy him with your BlunderSavor. Tommy: Back to action! The rangers teleport away. SCENE X: Meanwhile, Conehead O'Leary is talking with David Hasselhoff... David: So many babes I met. Did I tell you that I once went to Japan for the shooting of "Babewatch?" Conehead: Only about 41 times. David: Great. Anyway, the girls are always crawling all over me. Did I also happen to mention that my show is the most watched show in the entire universe? Conehead: Only about 91 times. David: I see. Conehead: We'll be right back... Conehead splashes coffee onto himself and walks off stage to talk to a producer. Conehead: Remind me to add David Hasselhoff to my list of banned guests. The Producer writes David Hasselhoff on the Guest-Banning name list along with Bobcat Goldthwait, Madonna, Michael Jackson, Jerry Lewis, Shannon Doherty and Roseanne. SCENE XI: Cheez-Whiz Monster shows up in the park. Cheez-Whiz: I'll destroy you all, Pathetic Rangers! Eh, my dialogue is over, make me grow. ---------- Lord Bread in his palace. Lord Bread: Time to make him Grow! Goldar: Here's where I get involved. Oh yippy. I'll be the envy of all the guys at the lodge. Lord Bread gets his banana peeling and slaps Goldar with it and then throws it down to make Cheez-Whiz Monster grow. ---------- Cheez-Whiz Monster grows to be 40 feet tall. Cheez-Whiz: I'm big now! Whaddya gonna do about it? Nothing! Ha ha! Okay, you can call for your zords now. Rocky: Can there be nothing exciting about this episode? Aisha: Nope. Adam: Majormess/Cowardly Lion BlunderZord Power Kimberly: Pterodorky/TiredBird BlunderZord Power Billy: Tribladdertops/Acorn BlunderZord Power Aisha: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat/Muffin BlunderZord Power Rocky: Trashosaurus/Red-Spinal Column BlunderZord Power The zords crash together and prepare for a showdown. ---------- Tommy is hanging around with his head scanning the area while he has his fists on his hips. Tommy: What do I do? Goldar appears. Goldar: Ha ha! Okay, look, Jason, I'm getting payed to do this. Tommy: Aw man, you mean all I do is get into another boring fight with YOU? This is an insult. Seems to me like another ploy to make CiderZord again have nothing to do with this episode. Come on, let's get this over with. Goldar: Wait a minute, we're not cued to start until after BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord starts the battle. Starting on: 1, 2... ---------- All Rangers in B.H.J.M.Z. Cockpit: BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord power it up! Rocky: Boy is that a mouthfull. You're goin' down, Cheeze-Face! Kimberly: Actually, he looks like a video camera. Rocky: Whatever. Cheeze-Head touches his hand to his forehead and then lets it go and this big laser zaps the BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord. BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord then rolls around on the ground. Rocky: Man, that was a mean hit! One more like that and we're threw! Billy: Huh? BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord's eyes light up. Cheeze-Whiz: It's getting to a point that I actually like this part. BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord gets out the BlunderSavor and whacks the monster back to basic-Adam's. ---------- Goldar: 29...30. Okay, our turn. Goldar and Tommy start pacing in circles in front of each other to prepare for the fight. Suddenly, Goldar drops his sword. Goldar: Oh well. You win. See ya. Goldar picks up his sword and runs away. Tommy: Chow, Ryan. We'll do lunch some other time. SCENE XII: Lord Bread: WHAT!??! You mean you LET him win?? You didn't even DO anything? Goldar: My head hurts. I'm going to go lie down. Lord Bread: Oh no you don't, Mr. Incompetence! You're gonna get reemed out for this one! Baboo: There is something to be learned in this episode, Squatt. Squatt: Do you know what that is? Baboo: No. But at least we got paid $2000 for three walk-on roles. Squatt: Cool! SCENE XIII: In Miss Appleweed's class... Miss Appleweed: Where's Adam? Rocky: He's sick. Miss Appleweed: Oh, the old sick routine, aye? Well when he comes back, rest assured that Bulk and Skull get detention! Bulk and Skull walk into Miss Appleweed's classroom--late as heck--wearing these silly looking outfits, trying to pass off as Hollywood superstars. Bulk: We are Hollywood stars because we smashed up the set of a low-rated talk show! Skull: Yeah. Hey, Kimberly, want a slice of Beef-Cake? Kimberly: Hey Skull, want a tube of toothpaste? Miss Appleweed: You are 31 minutes late, Bulk and Skull. Bulk: On purpose. We are invisible now that we are superstars. Miss Appleweed: Take off those silly clothes and get into your seat and shut up. After class, you shall spend another 2 days in detention, which would add up to your 554th detention day. You should enroll in the Guiness Book of Records for being the WORST students of all history! Skull: I knew this was gonna happen. But do you listen to me? Nooo... Bulk: Be quiet. THE END (C) 1995 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Aisha becomes fire safety activist because Billy's too lazy to star in his very own episode! Aisha: ...and that's what fire safety is all about. Billy: How come we just spent an hour and a half talking about how pouring Jeri-Curl Gel on a toaster oven will cause a hot oil-rig fire? Aisha: Because it's true. Just yesterday, my uncle's room caught on fire because he smoked a cigarette and left it on a clothes hanger. ...Lord Bread gets his steel undies in a bind (well, that's kinda impossible, but...) and decides to hatch a plan to torch one city out of 900,000,000 cities in the whole U.S.! Goldar: Great, I'll send a dozen muddies down with matches and cigarette lighters! Lord Bread: Goldar, I don't want an entire OIL fire!! I just wanna heat up the city a bit until the rangers are burned up... that way, I can force them to do whatever I want. Otherwise, I'll burn up everything!! Will Ernie conspire against Aisha and send a flaming trash-bag to her door step? Will Rocky ever kick his habit of ringing doorbells and running? Will Billy put industrial strength glue in Aisha's dorky fire-helmet? Does Lord Bread have what it takes to make a real monster, and not just a cheap tease to thrill-seekers? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!