Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "It IS Your Birthday, Zack?" Parody of, "Happy Birthday, Zack!" SCENE I: The gang--excluding Zack--are at Ernie's Junk Food Bar WAY past its closing time promising to fix it up for Zack's surprise birthday party, but are just sitting around doing nothing. Ernie: Hey, I'm not keeping my Junk Food Bar open past 3 A.M. just for you to sit around and do nothing. Aren't you gonna to do anything? Jason: Some stranger told me it was somebody's birthday. I have no idea who, and frankly, I really don't care. Kimberly: Well, I guess we better get to work before Ernie kicks us out again. Billy: Affirmative. Trini begins painting everything yellow. Jason: Why are you painting everything yellow? Trini: Isn't it my birthday? Jason: Give me that paint, banana-neck. Billy: Hey! I just found this script behind Ernie's 1982 jar of pickles! It says that this is Zack's birthday. Jason: Aww, I thought it was mine. Kimberly: Thank goodness it wasn't, or we all would've had to buy him a present or else he'd beat us up again. Jason: I'll remember that on my birthday. Billy: I can't believe we have to do all this mess just for Zack. What's so special about that dweeb anyway? Jason: The mere fact that without him, we'd look like a stupid frolicking foursome. We'd look pretty racist without a black dude, and then we'd have the N.A.A.C.P. breathing down our necks. Billy: Oh brother. This wasn't really smart doing this at 3:43 am in the morning. Trini: Yeah, what about school? Jason: Alpha made us some mechanical doubles for this dumb occasion, but everyone knows that tomorrow, somehow, we'll show up for school for no apparent reason feeling fresh as a daisy. Billy: Hmmm. Good point. Kimberly: At least with computers taking our place, we'll all get A+'s! Jason: Yeah, it's just all our principles and our good role-model names at stake. Kimberly: Sounds cool ta me. SCENE II: Rita's Palace... Rita: A little birthday party, aye? FINSTER! Finster: I have the perfect monster. Rita: How'd you know I wanted a monster? Finster: I'm sick, I have a headache and I don't really feel like hearing you squaddle and whine for a monster. Rita: Look, helium head, do you have a monster? Finster: No. Rita: What do you mean--no? Finster: Just exactly what it means, dope. Baboo: Oh no! Finster's gonna get it now! Finster: All right, all right! I'll dig up some ol monster in this umm doo-hickey. Ah here's one from my 1943 book. Here's the Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight. Rita: What's he do? Finster: Last I knew he scared someone silly. I suppose he's suppose to fight a lot until the opponent can't take much more. I don't think I'd recommend it, but right now it's the only thing I have the strength to make. Rita: I would say something to irritate the hell out of you, but right now the writer has bummed out of things to write for me. Goldar: Can I do something? Rita: No! This isn't The GOLDAR Show, ya know! Goldar: Really? Aren't I the only thing that gives these stupid parodies life? Rita: No! It's the stupid things Alpha and Zordon say too, you just sit here and be quiet, besides, I alright have the perfect part for you. Squatt: Ooo! Are you going to dress Goldar in a tight skirt and panty-hose? Goldar: Huh?!?!?! Tell me he's kidding! Rita: I'm thinking about it. Goldar: I beg you, my queen. Rita: All right, all right. SCENE III: Back at the Junk Food Bar... Kimberly: Okay. Hmmm... Billy: Everything looks all purple and black. Jason: Fix it! Ernie: Look buddies, it's 4:06 am! You better... Bulk and Skull walk in and start destroying everything. Jason: What do you think you're doing? Bulk: Being gross and repulsive, why aren't you stopping me? Jason: We really don't care about this bombast of boredom called Zack's birthday. Pee in the towels, blow your nose in the party favors, do whatever you'd like! Bulk: Listen you dweeb, you better pretend like you wanted to make this stuff. Jason: What for? Bulk: Humor me? Trini: Am I the only idiot that actually cared enough to make something for Zack's birthday? Jason: Uh huh. Bulk: I'm only going to destroy that because she actually wanted to make it. Skull: Yeah! Trini: Hey, I worked long and hard to do that! Kimberly: Really? It just looks like you dumped paint on a rolled up towel. Bulk: How about I woe you and help you make another one (tsk, tsk)? Trini dumps paint on Bulk. Kimberly: Hahahahaa! Bulk (Sarcastically): Eh hehehehehe. Bulk lets the air out of all the balloons. Jason: Someone oughta let out all the air outta you, pƒt‚-head. Ernie: Aye, aye, I'm running a bar, not a circus. Billy: Honestly, I don't see the difference between you and a ring-master. Other than the fact even your fat-clothing tailors have to even let out your fat clothes. Ernie: Lemme check your cake. Daaah! Ernie opens Billy's cake machine (crappy invention #9) and starts getting smothered in gooey, undone, blue cake batter. Ernie: You and your junk, GET OUT OF MY LIFE!! Billy: I'm sure I can fix it! Trini: Yes, but who's gonna fix you? Billy: Be quiet, surfboard chest. Kimberly: Listen, Bulk, why don't you grab you, the both of you, and leave? Bulk: Fine! But I expect paid vacations! Kimberly: Forget it. Trini: Oh no! It's ZACK! QUICK! CLEAN UP THIS MESS! Jason and the rest begin picking up everything really slowly and it has to be sped up 4,573 times faster than it is. Zack: Hey, what's up? Trini: Why are you up at 4:34 am in the morning? Zack: What's with this attitude. Jason: What attitude?? What's the matter with you? Zack runs out of the Junk Food Bar. Kimberly: That was one good way to get rid of him. Jason: Yeah. SCENE IV: Baboo, Squatt and Goldar are stirring green bubbly liquids in a huge pot like three witches outside. Baboo: What are we doing? I almost forgot. Goldar: This magic mashed potato syrup will develop into a sword for Fright-Wigged Knight. Rita: You guys are taking forever! It's been 50 seconds! I want this to be faster! Finster: Ah, it is almost complete. You may start the spell. Rita: Good now then, I'll just put this ball in my mouth and begin the spell. (Mumbo-Jumbo). Squatt: What? Goldar: Quiet, she's concentrating. Squatt: She is? SCENE V: At School, Zack walks up to Kimberly, who's stuffing books into her locker ignoring him. Zack: Hey what's up? Kimberly: Why are you talking to me? You know you and me, like, don't even know each other. I only know Billy. Zack: That's because you've seen something of his he wouldn't go flashing around. Anyway, do I look any older today? Kimberly: Actually yes. You look 74. Zack: Huh? Not that old. I mean... Kimberly: I don't know what you're talking about. Zack: Isn't this a special day? Kimberly: Not really. Ooo! I forgot! I feel so terrible about it too! Zack: You do? I thought nobody liked me. Kimberly: Not really, but I hope she'll forgive me. Zack: That's all right. I forgive you. Kimberly: Not you, stupid. Zack: Huh? Kimberly: What did you think I was talking about? Your three inch boners? Zack: That's okay. Jason, Billy and Trini walk up to an upset Zack. Jason: Hey what's up? Zack: Yeah right. Billy: I wonder what his problem is? Kimberly: Gosh, he thinks that just because we told him something indicating we don't care about him whatsoever that he should get all belligerent. Jason: This is stupid. I hate this `wait-til-late-at-night-and-tell-him-that- we planned-some'n' while all day he'll be depressing everyone. Billy: Don't worry, just remember that his mental discomfort now will only serve as his enjoyment later on today. Kimberly: Alright, but I'm not paying for his therapy bills. Jason: Yeah, whatever. SCENE VI: Zack is sitting outside on a rock in the usual fighting area. Zack: I don't even know why I put up with those egotistical, oversexed meat-heads. All they care about is their own lives. Rita: So do you! Hahahahaha! I figured you feel like garbage right now so I'd make your day ten times worse! Here's our birthday gift! Baboo: We even brought this 1924 movie-camera to film it too! Squatt: You idiot! You were suppose to grab the electromagnetic-super-cala-fraga-listic-expe-ala-docious-rigmarole video taper and blow the stuffings out of Zack! Goldar: Why are we gunning for this weasel anyway? Baboo: I guess it's something fun to do. Everyone knows without Zack the rangers still would be just as excruciatingly strong as they always are! Rita: Shut up! Time ta meet the Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight! Rita's Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight approaches Zack attempting to scare the willies outta him. Zack: Nice to meet you. Rita: Why isn't your hair standing up straight? Zack: He looks my grandma. Rita: I knew this wasn't going to work! Just fight him til you start feeling enormous amounts of pain and suffering! Zack: Alright, alright! Zack: Majormess! Zack: You're mine! UGH! Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight takes his sword and slams it at Zack's chest, blows him up and fries his Power Ax to a dark crisp. Zack: That didn't take very long. Zack starts getting beat the stuffings out of. SCENE VII: The rangers are just sitting around doing nothing when Zordon pages them. Jason: Let's pull a trick on Zordon and not answer the watch. Trini: Why? [The sound of their watches constantly beeping is heard] Jason: I wonder if there will be signs of exploding memory chips. [The sound of their watches beeping is heard] Billy: Why? Because of his mounting tons of anger? [The sound of their watches beeping is heard] ---------- Zordon: I know you're in there! Answer the damn communicator! ---------- Kimberly: This is starting to get annoying. Let's just satisfy the five-year old and answer the phone, I mean, communicators. Jason: Yeah, Zordon? Zordon: That was not very funny, Red Rash Ranger! Was that your idea of a joke? Jason: No, it was a visual gag. Jason and the others teleport into the command center. Jason: So what's up? Zordon: Other than my blood pressure, Black Toast Ranger is GETTING toasted by this Fright-Wigged Monster. Trini: Oh god, he's ugly. Billy: He looks like those old 40s Maids! Kimberly turns around to see the viewing globe and her hair goes completely out of control after screaming to the top of her lungs. Billy: WOW! I haven't heared her scream like that since we scratched each other's backs in the... Uhh, nevermind. Zordon: I do not wish to hear about your sick escapades, however disgusting they may be. Anyway, this thing originally was to scare everyone silly, of course that WAS only when the entire town went to go see "Frankenstein" 35 times over. Anyway, he's gonna beat up Zack 'til he can't take anymore and fries your weapons. Jason: It's morphin time! Zordon: Wait! Don't you wanna know how to destroy him? Jason: Okay. Zordon: Let the power protect you. Jason: Ugh! It's Morphin time! Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus ALL: PATHETIC RANGERS! Zack: Boy am I glad to see you guys, BACK-STABBERS! Jason: Shut up. We have to pretend like we like each other to defeat this gross entity, okay? Kimberly: Alright, let's keep it together. Jason: Okay, let's go Tower Formation. Billy: What's that? Trini: It's where Kimberly and I jump on... Let's just do it okay? Zack: Fine. Kimberly and Trini Jump on top of Billy, Zack and Jason. Jason: BladeBlasters Up! ALL: Fire! Nasty Fright-Wiged Knight: Ha! You think that will stop me! Ha! Kimberly makes more sexual sounds. Billy: Stop doing that, Kim! You know it feels really uncomfortable to get stiff in this costume. Jason: Huh? Zack: I don't even want to know. WE NEED DINO... Jason: ...JUNK POWER! Don't ever do that again, Zack! Zack: Yeah, whatever. Jason: Rangers logon, power up your lollipops, all systems go. Trini: You might have to say that again to Kim, she's probably examining the structure of old chewing gum. Kimberly: Be quiet, Trini! Jason: Time to form MegaJunkaZord! Something: MegaJunk sequence has been initited. MegaJunk activated. Rita: Hold it, you idiots! I haven't even made the monster big yet! Jason: Well excuse me for living. Get it over with. Rita: Make my monster grow! Jason: May we proceed? Rita: Quite. Jason: Let's do it, guys! Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight: Time for my personal barbecue! Trini: What does he mean? Jason: I don't know, but let's get him! I call on the power of the Plastic Sword! Suddenly, the Plastic Sword comes out of the clouds and the MegaJunkaZord grabs it and readies to attack Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight. Jason: Now you're gonna get it! Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight: Ooo, I'm scared. Get a load of my shield! MegaJunkaZord swings its sword at Nasty Fright-Wigged Knight's black-knight shield and the sword becomes completely black and crinkled. Jason: Oh no! Kimberly: Now what, Jason? Jason: Why are you looking at me? Kimberly: Your suppose to be the leader, imbecile. Zack: I know, why don't I rip off a piece of my suit and give it to the monster to eat? He'll explode in no time! Jason: Always a stupid solution. MegaJunkaZord feeds the monster Zack's suit piece and he explodes and leaves a really big mess. SCENE VIII: Zack walks in the Junk Food Bar and they turn the lights on where Zack sees sneezed on posters, smelly decorations and eaten on auderves are there and Ernie's playing 8-track tapes of Gene Kelley singing "Ain't we got fun?" while buck-toothed, argyle-sweater wearing yuppy nerds are hanging out shaking their backs back and forth to the music. Zack: What kind of hoax is this? Jason: It's suppose to be a party to say we care about you? You convinced? Zack: I guess. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... The Rangers spend all day long goofing off playing Volleyball! Jason: Billy's turn! Billy gets up from a bench that is carrying five glasses of Kool-Aid and approaches the Volleyball net. Billy: I apologize, fellas; I don't think I have the adequate strength or eye-to-hand coordination to participate. Jason: Okay. Trini, you're up next. Billy: Hey! You guys were suppose to say, "Hey, you're probably better than you think you are." Or something like that. Jason: Why? ....but Rita takes unfair advantage, as usual, of the Rangers while they have their guard down... Rita: And what's that you're making? Baboo: It's a potion to turn the Pathetic Rangers into punks! Rita: Splendid idea, I'll be in the dining room. ...and with that as an advantage adds another obstacle to this fixed cat and mouse game... Rita: FINSTER! MAKE ME A MONSTER! AND NOW! AND MAKE IT WORK THIS TIME! Finster: I just came up with a new monster that looks like a toad and after he swallows the Pathetic Rangers and digests them, we will be able to conquer earth. We had terrific success with him on Syngamy IV. Can the Rangers destroy the Toad before he makes M&M's out of them? Of Course they can! Can the Rangers help Kimberly and Billy break the spell of being punks? Do they even want to? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!