Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "The Regurgitation of the Green Vomit Ranger, Part III" Parody of, "Return of the Green Ranger, Part III" LAST TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS: Tommy was put in a moral delimma as he watched his evil double threaten him for a good ten minutes... Tom: Let's face it, Mr. Rogers, we all have a deep--dark, EEEVIL side! Remember the time you flushed Billy's head down the toilet two seasons ago? Tommy: He rubbed up against my crotch. What was I gonna do? Let him have his way with me? Tom: Let's cut to the chase, goody-good. I'm out to beat the living pee out of you and there ain't not'n you can do about it, Mr. Propaganda. Tommy: My attitude problem got flushed along with you and my Green Ranger powers, you swine. Tom: Look, I'm talkin' to you, so he's back! Evil Green Ranger gets bored so he decides to bug Zordon during his peaceful slumber! Evil Green Ranger: Muha ha ha ha! Zordon: You think that laugh is what's going to make me give up? Evil Green Ranger: Muha ha ha ha! Zordon: Hey, I can just fade out of this dimension and never have to deal with you again. Evil Green Ranger: Muha ha ha ha, oh. Ahem, well... Anyway! I'm going to pulverize your cheesy whimpy sissies and their ain't nothin' you can do about it. Zordon: Don't be so sure of yourself. As the original Green Ranger has been decimated, your fate may take the same turn. Evil Green Ranger: That won't happen to me. Zordon: Why not? Evil Green Ranger: 'Cause I'm special. Zordon: Pffft. That's what they ALL say. The Wizard of Refreshments decided to have a little fun and created the Big Furry Mites--a.k.a, really tall men in cheap costumes. They all start running while the Big Furry Mites start chasing them all around creation with their arms in the arm. Director: Cut! Cut! Cut! I can see your watches. All Big Furry Mites: Aww, man... Geez! Director: Take two. All: AAAAAAAAAGH! Mite #2: Blaaaaa! Can Tommy somehow make sense out of the noisy propaganda he's been stuffing in his mind? Will the humiliation the Big Furry Mites suffer extenguish all hope of them actually getting into movies? Will Kimberly ever get a line in this story? And last, where can I find some nachos? Find out on the conclusion of, eah, uh... this story, NEXT! SCENE I: Tommy is lying face down into the grass. Tommy: Aw man! This headahce is starring to turn into a brainache. Geez! Man, what a draft I'm feeling. Did the breeze come in or something? Tommy starts feeling around his bottom. Tommy: He... HEY! Where are my clothes!? Aagh! Tommy turns up as the camera shifts on an angle that his bare back is only seen. Tommy: Oh my god! That swine stole my clothes! Tommy quickly runs over to a bush where all the girls are walking by. Girls: (Giggling) Hi, Tommy. Heh-heh. Tommy: Doooo!!! Tommy goes into a trashcan and wraps two newspapers around his waist. Tommy: As long as I don't run into any cops I'm fine. SCENE II: Back at Lord Bread's palace... Rita is sitting on Bread's lap while he's sitting in his throne. Rita: Yes! Bliss the world without the Pathetic Rangers! Lord Bread: Rita, you're cutting off the blood circulation in my legs. Goldar: (Giggles) Rita: No one asked you to talk. Lord Bread: Soon, we shall have a little Lord Bread. Rita: Would you STOP talking about the baby!?! Now we all know I'm not going to get pregnant for you! So let's not talk about it anymore! Lord Bread: Whatever you say, my cute little buttercup. Rita: Why don't you check up on that stupid Wizard of Refreshments, see what he's up to. Lord Bread: You don't trust him, do you? Rita: Why should I? It's part 3 for god sakes! Lord Bread walks up to the throne where Rita and Lord Bread's staffs are and Bread hands Rita his X staff and Bread has hers. Rita: Uhhhh... Wrong one. Lord Bread: Sorry. They exchange sceptors and continue. Rita: This really gets confusing sometimes. I LOVE that Wizard. Lord Bread: Hey, watch it. Rita: Sorry. It just so happens he's doing a good job--so far. Lord Bread: Sheer brilliance. This is my best idea yet, if I do say so myself. Rita: You should! It was MY idea! You just cannot admit that your own wife is smarter than you. Goldar: You seem to be having marital problems. I'll call the marriage counselor, or better yet, the divorce lawyer... Lord Bread: You just put that phone down right now, Goldar. Goldar: Can't blame me for trying. Lord Bread: Goldar, whose idea was this? Goldar: Hmmmm... Both give him angry looks. Goldar: Uhhhh... (Goldar puts his hands over his eyes and points) It was him! Rita: [Gasp!] You...bastard! Lord Bread: You see? Nyaahhh! Goldar: You won't be so happy to have created this idea when this entire plan goes belly up. Rita: That's true. Lord Bread: Who cares who made it up. Just as long as it's working! SCENE III: Back at olden day Angel Grave... RedNex are resting behind a barn next to a wishing well eating bananas while RedNek #2 is manhandling MacBulk... RedNek #2: So I see, harboring witches, aye? You'll hang for this one. MacBulk: Oh no! RedNek #1: Nah, let's chop his head off right now at the guillotine. RedNek #2: Okee dokee. RedNek #1: Those witches have got to be around here somewhere. RedNek #2: Hey, MacBulk; you wanna save your fat neck, you tell us where you've been hidin' them witches. MacBulk: I don't know! I don't know! Please! Have mercy! Suddenly, Marissa and the Pathetic Rangers are found running off in the distance while screaming. Following them are the Big Furry Mites. RedNek #1: Did you see that!? RedNek #2: Oh no! We're all doomed! It's all over! RedNek #1: Run for the hills! MacBulk: 'Scuse me, um, sirs... I'd like to go home now... Hello? Suddenly, the entire town is running away from the Big Furry Mites while this music that sounds like the fast banjo theme song of "Beverly Hillbillies" is playing. Billy: [Pant] Why... Won't... They... Stop... Chasing... [Pant] Us?? Adam: They wouldn't be chasing us if Aaron Lake wasn't playing that getaway music! Suddenly, that banjo "getaway" music stops and the Big Furry Mites take off. Billy: That was simple enough. Rocky: What are we gonna tell Tommy when he makes his grand entrance into this dive and finds we already did his job? Billy: Big Furry Mites! C'mon back. We need you. Mite #1 takes off the head of his costume. Mite #1: Okay, but can't we switch scenes, take a lunch break or some'n? I'm getting tired of running. Adam: You can't take a break. And no one ever said you could take off your head off on camera. Mite #1: Ugh! [Puts it back on] Booo hiss! Blaaa! All: Aaaaaaaaagh! They go back to running with the getaway music playing. SCENE IV: Tommy is wobbling around with the newspapers wrapped around himself when he goes behind a bush and magically comes back wearing his clothes. Tommy: TV Time can sometimes be my best friend. Tommy approaches a building that was obviously never found on the original set of "Pathetic Rangers" and meets up with Bulk and Skull. Tommy: Hey, have you seen my friends? Bulk: Get bent. Tommy: I'm not joking around, Lard-o. Where are my friends? Bulk: We don't know where your sissy jerk friends are. Skull: And might we add...we don't CARE to know. Tommy: Get out of my sight, you disgusting losers. SCENE V: Back at the command center... Zordon: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Alpha: Wake up! Zordon: Dfff! More of the narcolepsia. It's hard to kick the disease when you're living with a idiotic droid. Do you have any luck? Alpha: Yes. I found Tommy, and he's mysteriously wearing clothes now. Odd. Zordon: What about the other rangers? Alpha: Don't push it. Zordon: Listen, I want this story to end as much as you do. So, tell me! Alpha: Nope. Not'n yet. Let's get some popcorn and rent a movie. I hear "When A Man Does Some Woman" is a pretty good flick. Suddenly, the alarm goes off. Alpha: Ugh! Dread that damn alarm! Someday, I'm going to dismantle that loud, obnoxious noise. Zordon: It's worse than I feared. We may ALL be in very grave danger. Alpha: Yeah yeah. Zordon: I really OUGHT to get into movies. Anyway, Green Ranger is going to make everyone sick by re-awakening the BarneyZord to teach good morals and other disgusting things. It could mean world destruction in massive proportions. Alpha: "Barney & Friends" is really that bad, huh? Zordon: Yep. It sure is. If he is successful, I could very well die. Alpha: What about Angel Grave? Zordon: Who cares? The place is a walking disaster area anyway. Alert Tommy immediately. SCENE VI: Tommy is sitting at a flower bush. Tommy: Man, I feel like my skull is about to cave in. Tommy's communicator buzzes. Tommy: What do you want, Zordon? I just got my teeth kicked in, I don't feel like putting up with you. Zordon (via communicator): Well ya are anyway, smart-mouth. We have an emergency. Tommy: What? You forgot how to program your VCR again? Zordon: Yes, but that's not all. We can't contact the other rangers and Green Ranger is about to complete a fury worse that Hitler's attack itself. Tommy: Hey, you don't have to over-dramatize it for me. I'm not that stupid. Zordon: Oh, okay. Green Ranger is going to summons BarneyZord to cause the world to cringe behind his incessant laughter and sickening moral adjustments. That's not including listening to his latest CD, "Bingo was his Name-O." Tommy: Sounds terrible. See ya. Zordon: 'Scuse me, but this isn't some stupid news bulletin. Alpha: Yeah, we want YOU to do some'n about it. Tommy: Gee, what would you like? Should I jump inside an alligator's mouth, do the tango with his small intestines, run out again; get bitten by a bucket of scorpions and magically heal before I get stung by the killer bees? Alpha: That's not funny. Tommy: Of course it isn't. Now lemme alone. I've got some resting to do. Tommy shuts off his communicator. SCENE VII: Zordon: I'll show HIM who's boss. Get him back to action anyway, Alpha. Alpha: That's almost impossible. The Wizard of Refreshments drained a lot of his energy away. That's how he was left buck naked. He won't be able to eat, taste, hear or see very well for days. Maybe some mental propaganda at the end of this story will save him, but that could never work in real life. Zordon: I see. Alpha: Look! On the viewing globe, it shows Tommy walking up 50 steps and then falling down them all again. Tommy (over viewing globe): OH man! Augh! Aaagh! Mother of mercy! Oh god! Somebody get the jaws of life! Aaagh! Zordon: The only way for him to be able to touch his nose with his fingers and not fall down is if he morphs into White Ranger--but only for a short time. That's why I need you to find those loser Pathetic Rangers. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Alpha: We really need him to see a doctor about that. SCENE VIII: Green Ranger blows into his flute once more and nothing happens. Green Ranger: Hey! Who took the batteries out of this thing? AB Writer: Uhhhhh... I don't know. Green Ranger: Give 'um back! AB Writer: Nuh uh. Green Ranger: Give them to me! AB Writer: Okay okay! But you have to promise not to keep blowing into that thing. It's startin' to put me into a trance. Green Ranger: Oh, ok. Just a few more blows and I'll be finished. BarneyZord arises from out of the flowerbush. Wizard: Energize yourself with evil BarneyZord. Energize yourself with EEEEVIL!! Hahahahaha! Green Ranger: BarneyZord! We are now united with the forces of evil! BarneyZord (sarcastically): Oh goody. In an obvious stitch of over-used stock footage, BarneyZord waves his sausage-link tail over some toy buildings, blows them up; crunches on some totem pole, etc... SCENE IX: In the command center... Zordon: I've awakened! Alpha: Whoopy. Zordon: Tommy, if you can manage to morph, you will be re-energized, but only for five minutes--which will be abnormally prelonged into 10 for the purposes of this episode. ---------- Tommy: It's morphin' time! Tommy: CiderZord Tommy: Wow, this stuff does work like something else! Alpha: Yeah, well just like all other illegal substances, this will wear off soon. So get busy. Tommy: I cannot believe this. BarneyZord is raging through the city. Tommy: This is just a pathetic excuse to pump artificial excitement into the plot by having my old self and my new self duke it out. Casaba: Right, so you better make this look good. SCENE X: Lord Bread's. Goldar: I have bad news, Lord Bread. Lord Bread: You decided to stick around for the third season? Goldar: Yes, but it gets better than that. White Ranger is out on the loose and it looks like he's gonna kick the BarneyZord's butt with his CiderZord. Lord Bread: I don't believe this! Goldar: It was bound to happen; it's part three. It's the logical conclusion--it's what they all wanted to see. Lord Bread: This cannot happen. Go send that Wizard of Refreshments after him. Goldar: But he's busy! Lord Bread: Doing what? Goldar: You don't want to know. Lord Bread: I shall hate myself if it turns out like I think it will. Goldar: Hey, I have an idea. Hows about I go down, you make me grow, then I... Lord Bread: I know. The muddies! Yeah, they'll fix him! Goldar: Ugh... This won't look good on my resum‚... SCENE XI: The Muddies just appear completely bent over with their butts sticking out at Tommy. Tommy: Oh they won't be satisfied until they wind up hit by a semi, will they? The Muddies wiggle their butts. Tommy: You better hope that your butts don't fall off. 'Cause when I'm through with you, there won't be enough of your bodies for them to hold on to. The Muddies run after Tommy as he just takes out his Casaba, engerizes it and just makes them all explode. Tommy: Gee, you'd think we'd actually put a fight here. Oh well, now for the real match. O.k., Casaba--are you o.k? Casaba: Right now? Or just in general? Tommy: Nevermind, I didn't care anyway. Let's power up the CiderZord before Bread decides to turn up the heat. Casaba: If you hadn't noticed, this is the culmination of his plan. As the BarneyZord has already KILLED everyone at the beaches with his omnipresent giggling! Tommy: Oh no! If he starts singing, no one will be spared. Casaba: Well, get cracking, home boy. Tommy: Shut up. The CiderZord gets going as the music starts... Tommy: Okay, Casaba; let's show Bread that in action shows, the bad guy never wins--especially at the end of a mini-series. All right, let's do our thing. Both Casaba and Tommy take long deep breath... Casaba & Tommy: White Cider BlunderZord, power up; battle ready, initiation sequence, commense: now. {Sigh...} The BarneyZord starts breaking up some more buildings. The windows of buildings are seen shattering and exploding as his singing begins. Casaba: This beast is atrocious! Tommy: He only looks scary but if you slap him around a little bit, he's done. Casaba: You don't hold very much confidence in your old Zord, do you? Tommy: That's 'cause Green Ranger was a sissy. Why do you think I was constantly going into battles that I knew would usually take a drain on my powers? Casaba: If you hadn't noticed, we ran right past BarneyZord in all this babbling. Tommy: Holy crap!! The CiderZord puts its paws out to stop running then it turns around and runs the other way. Casaba: This is no use. Tommy: I thought we were doing just fine. Casaba: But we haven't DONE anything!! Tommy: You're right. Convert to robot mode. The CiderZord turns into the Robot. Tommy: Cool! Casaba: Look out!! The large BarneyZord openns up his mouth. Casaba: DUCK!!! BarneyZord: [Deep Breath!] Huhahahahahaha!! Let's learn how to kick CiderZord butt! Huhahahaha! [Singing] I love you! You love me, we're a happy family... Casaba: Can't... Fight it! Tommy: We're doomed! Casaba: If only we had a large mouse trap that could keep his mouth shut! Tommy: It would never make it! Uggh!! CiderZord starts exploding as it freezes and falls flat on its back and shoots Tommy and Casaba straight of of its left eye. Tommy: AGH!! SCENE XII: At the Command Center... Zordon: I can't believe we went through all that morphing and zord showing-off for nothing. That was suppposed to be a desperate, knock-down, drag-out fight, but instead we got a hissy-fit! Alpha: Well believe it! We invested in junk worse than the first ones we got. Zordon: And to think I PAID for these Zords this time. Can't you at least find the other Rangers to pull his butt outta this mess? Alpha: NO! Zordon: Well keep trying. If this keeps, we'll look too bad to be nominated the best bad-guy/good-guy show for the Daytime Emmy Awards. Alpha: We already blew that chance with "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun." But I'd still hate to lose out to "Lamb Chop's Play-Along." Zordon: You stupid bucket-brain, keep looking! Alpha: That's it! That's it! I've had it! I've been TRYING to look for them for TWO PARTS and I've got nothing! NOTHING! I can't do anymore! What do you want from me? Zordon: How embarassing. Alpha: You better not command me to look for them again, otherwise, I'm turning your ugly face off forever! Zordon: Okay, you don't have to get violent. All I'm saying is that without the other Rangers, White Ranger will surely be... Alpha: Yeah, yeah, Tommy's doomed; we know. SCENE XIII: The Pathetic Rangers are now found crawling on their hands and feet along with the other citizens--and the Big Furry Mites. Director: We're on camera, start running. Billy: My feet...ache! Kimberly: I haven't looked this bad since Aisha gave me a makeover! Aisha: Hmmm... Rocky: We have to stop. Mite #2: I'm with you! Director: I'm getting VERY impatient with you. Now let's see some runnin'! Everyone gets up and starts quickly walking for about 3 minutes. Adam and Marissa are making out while running. SCENE XIV: Tommy is on his butt with Casaba in his holster while the Wizard of Refreshments and Evil Green Ranger are standing in front of him. Wizard: Well, now are you gonna give up? You've been reemed out, turned inside out and KICKED out. Tommy: Never! Wizard snaps his fingers. BarneyZord (breaks out in song): I love you... You love me... Tommy: No! No! You have no soul! Wizard: He knows about 50 other songs too. Tommy: Oh, god, no. Stop that horrible sound!! You people have no souls!! Wizard: Well, what are you going to do now, unstoppable White Ranger? Tommy: Uh... How about this. If I surrender, take me to where my friends are? Evil Tommy: You mean you want to go back 200 years to colonial Angel Grave where they are being chased by the local law enforcements and big furry mites? Wizard: Shhh... Shush!! Shut up, you stupid idiot! Our plan is ruined!! You told everything. Evil Tommy: Well, now he knows too much. A perfect excuse to have him fitted for new shoes. Wizard, bring me the cement. SCENE XV: Lord Bread is seen fuming at the balcony of his palace while staring blankly down at Earth. Rita sneaks up to Lord Bread and suddenly talks. Rita: What's going on? Lord Bread: AUGHFF! Don't _do_ that!! Your voice could kill plant life! Rita: That isn't my fault. I thought that nail polish I drank was my milk shake! Lord Bread: That's the last time I'm ever letting you near my bathroom cabnet. Squatt: HUH!?! Lord Bread: White-Out Ranger is NOT giving up! Rita: As long as the Rangers are gone, he won't be able to keep his guts much longer. Lord Bread: You better hope you're right. As for right now, we've thrown the BarneyZord, Muddies and our own Evil Green Vomit Ranger at him and he still hasn't surrendered. Rita: Well what do you think? He _wants_ to lose his job? Lord Bread: True, and since the only thing around that has the power to keep the Rangers Back In Time is the Wizard of Refreshments, we're still o.k. SCENE XVI: At the Command Center, we see the running Rangers on the Viewing globe. Alpha: I've found them, Zordon. The Rangers are safe and sound and... Hey wait a minute... The Rangers are seen trying to beat the Big Furry Mites off of them with large wooden shovels. All (in viewing globe): Please! Save us! Help us now! Aaaaagh! Alpha: They're sweating, bleeding and on their hands and knees crawling for their very lives. Zordon, what happened? Zordon: Just as I suspected. The second, second assistant director is working them like dogs. You let them do a little of their own work and suddenly they want to direct the next "Waterworld." Alpha: Hehehe, if anyone had the money it took to make that movie, they could buy Saban twelve times over... AB Writer: SHHHH!!! Zordon: Stop playing games, you bucket of rusted pots and pans and get Tommy to take control of the Kewl Aid thermis to go back to where the Rangers are. SCENE XVII: Back to the abandoned parking lot, Tommy is posing like he's nice and fine when he's paged. Tommy: I'll deal with you guys later. Evil Green Ranger: Hey, you can't do that! Wizard, can he do that? Wizard: I'm afraid he can do that. Evil Green Ranger: I can't believe he can do that. Tommy: Make it quick, I'm about to pull a Marty McFly and I don't think I know what I'm doing. Casaba: I can personally attest to that. Zordon: We have located the other Rangers. Tommy: Well pin a rose on your nose. How in hell is that gonna help me?? The conversation continues. Evil Green Ranger: Well, while he's catching up on the rest of the plot, I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I've been in this thing all this time. Wizard: Good idea. I'll join ya. The Wizard leaves his wand on the ground. They disappear. Zordon: ...now have you got that?? Tommy: So let me get this straight: I'm suppose to use the wand with the Kewl Aid inside to drink and get me back to the Rangers so I can get them outta there and help me destroy the Wizard of Refreshments?? Zordon: Exactly. Now hurry it up; they're being devoured by gigantic rats!! Tommy: What? Zordon: Ridiculous, isn't it? Tommy: You leave these crack-pot writers to come up with an original monster and what do you get? Oh well. Hey guys, guess what? The stupid idiots left the wand here. Zordon: Well get moving!! Tommy: Seeya. Tommy leans down to take the Wand when the Wizard's foot steps on his hand. Wizard: I don't think so, whoops!!! Tommy yanks his hand out from under the Wizard causing him to fall down. Evil Green Ranger shows up. Evil Green Ranger: Man, I didn't know I had to go so long. And I, HUH!?!? White Ranger is seen on top of the Wizard punching his gut constantly. Evil Green Ranger: What are you doing to my beautiful Wizard? Tommy: Deflating his body. Suddenly, White Out Ranger squeezes Wizard's belly too tight and there is a loud balloon popping noise heard as his diaphram seems to be deflating. Evil Green Ranger: Oh no you don't!! Green Ranger runs up to Tommy, Tommy takes the Wizard's head and throws him aside with his black robe flapping in the wind. Wizard: Ugh... Tommy leaps over Green Ranger and takes the Wand. Tommy: Zordon, I have the wand! Here goes... Butter fingers!! Tommy puts the wand to himself and vanishes. Green Ranger drops to the floor and starts trying to blow air into the Wizard. Evil Green Ranger: Please don't let you be dead! No!! SCENE XVIII: Meanwhile, back in 1700s Angel Grave, the whole cast is seen crawling on their bellies trying to keep moving. Suddenly, White Ranger appears. Kimberly: Hey guys! It's Tommy! Billy: Delirium, signs of biochemical trauma. The oxygen to your brain must be cut off by all this running. Rocky: Cut the technospeak... That IS Tommy! Billy: Holy crap! RedNek #1: It's another witch! Adam: Chill out, you superstitious idiot. RedNek #2: Ye be lucky all this running has tuckered us out. But rest assured, you shall be tortured at dawn! Kimberly: That won't work. Tommy's here to rescue us. You are, aren't you? Tommy: Most likely. The Three Big Furry Mite Men are found spilt behind a bush with their costumes torn up and their heads tipped ajar, showing the men inside the costume's necks. Adam: Thank you, you film directors. Thanks to you and your dissatisfaction, no one will EVER believe those were monsters! This is the cheeziest thing since "Dynaman." Billy: Something told me letting Paul Schrier and Jason Narvy behind the scenes was a bad idea. Aisha: But we can't just let these people get ripped to shreads by these Big Furry Mites. Tommy: We can't? Even if it means there is no risk that we don't survive? Kimberly: Yeah. It's a little something called heroism. Tommy: Geez. This'll be simple. Adam: Marissa, I'm gonna miss you. I have no regrets--except for my failure at getting you laid. Marissa: I guess I could say that's sweet. Adam: Hopefully, someday, you'll stay a virgin until I'm thrown back in time again. Marissa: I'm afraid that's impossible. Adam: Oh well. Well, I guess there's not much else to say besides, see ya. Marissa: Until next time. Adam: If there is. Billy: I thought I told you to think with your brains, not your underwear! Adam: Sorry. Marissa, I don't have much time, would you like to give me a smooch? Marissa: Sorry, I just ate. Adam: But it would mean everything in the world to... Yiiigh! The other rangers pull Adam away. Tommy: Don't worry, folks! I'll come back and take care of the big furry mites later. Right now, they don't look like they could snap a tree-twig. Adam: Marissa! I'll never forget you! Billy: But what happens if you get amnesia? Adam: You do know how to kill the mood, don't you, nerd-face? Tommy: Get a move on! The rangers are all whisked away back to their time. SCENE XIX: Back at their time... Green Ranger is performing CPR on the Wizard of Refreshments. He stops. Green Ranger begins filling him up with helium and it doesn't work. Finally, he fills him up with fruit punch and he awakens. Wizard: Aagh. Evil Green Ranger: Are you okay? Wizard: I feel about as useless as a dishrag. Come to think of it, I must be okay then. Evil Green Ranger: You'll pay for that! Whitey: Don't you know you have no chance now? Evil Green Ranger: Yeah, well you don't have to make everything so obvious?! Whitey: Get morphin so we can kick that sickening BarneyZord's boring butt! Kimberly: It's morphin time! Adam: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Aisha: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Rocky: Trashosaurus Adam: Majormess/Cowardly Lion BlunderZord Power Kimberly: Pterodorky/TiredBird BlunderZord Power Billy: Tribladdertops/Acorn BlunderZord Power Aisha: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat/Muffin BlunderZord Power Rocky: Trashosaurus/Red-Spinal Column BlunderZord Power The zords crash together and become the BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord. All: BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord powered up! BarneyZord begins scratching its puny head in wonder. ---------- Evil Green Ranger: Hmmm. What are you gonna do to me now? Whitey: First of all, I'm gonna get rid of this queer warlock. White Ranger grabs the Wizard of Refreshments head right off the robe, which falls down to the floor as if there was no body. White Ranger dribbles his head and then throws it to the trees. The head ricoges off the trees and finally lands in the lake. The Wizard's head sinks to the bottom and bubbles are seen on top the water. Evil Green Ranger: My beautiful Wizard! You've destroyed him! You piece of scum! White Ranger drains Wizard's evil thermis of its liquids and smashes it up with his Casaba. Evil Green Ranger: [Gasp!] White Ranger: Well, for some HEINOUS reason, you are freed from a spell. Man, Rita is a nitwit. She should've made an evil Tommy instead of just putting a spell over a fake. Evil Green Ranger: More expensive. White Ranger: Hmmm. Well, anyway; here's the rest of the propaganda I've got shoved in my skull. You now own the BarneyZord, use its sickening style for good--not evil. That's wrong. Now-Goodie-Good Green Ranger: Wrong!?!? I don't wanna be bad! AB Writer: Then you wouldn't get a cookie. Both Rangers: Don't make fun! White Ranger: You better get rid of BarneyZord before my doofus friends make ham-hogs out of him. Greenie: Okee dokee. Whatever you say. But why do I have to get rid of BarneyZord? I don't exist. All I am is your toenails, hair and fingernails. White Ranger: That's nothing a little plastic surgery can't fix. Afterall, there have to be more succesful Lorena Bobbit's out there. AB Writer: That's sick! White Ranger: Bad example. Anyway, you can be good and decent. Greenie: That sounds neet! ---------- BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord decks BarneyZord then punches him in the stomach. BarneyZord falls down on its side. Rocky: Yeah! We got 'em good this time! Now let's see if we can get some blood! Kimberly: These are robot machines. You won't draw any blood. Sorry, Rambo. Rocky: Aw. And that's Rocky. Get your Sly Stallone movies right. BarneyZord turns around and throws his sausage-link tail at the BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord. It predictably starts malfunctioning and the un-buckled rangers are tossed around in the cockpit. Billy: This certainly isn't helping the Ad Council with their "Be Smart. Buckle Up" motto. Zordon is an idiot! In an overused piece of stock footage, the BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord walks through several explosions. The shock-absorb lacking zord is not succesful. The zord is damaged and again, the rangers are tossed around in the cockpit. Rocky: We can't keep this up! We've gotta do something! Adam: Then think about it, dummy! Aaagh! Rocky: Aaagh... Uhhh... Dumm, ahhh... Get the BlunderSavor! Yeah! That always works. Billy (sarcastically): Gee, that sounds a lot better than actually using stradegy. Rocky: You got a better idea? Billy: No. This zord is a piece of junk. Rocky: BlunderSavor it is, then. BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord grabs hold of its samurai-like sword and it turns into the BlunderSavor. Too-Late-Tommy shows up. Tommy: No! Wait! Stop! Decease! Halt! Brake! Freeze! Wait a minute! Aisha: Is there some kind of insignificant noise emanating from some small location? Short pause. Rocky: Nnnnah, I don't hear nothin'. Let's skin 'um. Tommy: Aaaagh! You morons! Goodie-Good Greenie: Tommy's right! I must stop 'em! Greenie plays his flute and makes BarneyZord fall to the ground. Rocky: We did it! Billy: What do you mean? Adam: Yeah! We didn't do ANYTHING! Rocky: Can't we feel like big people for just a second!?! Greenie: Time to get BarneyZord away from these accident prone stooges. Greenie plays his flute and gets BarneyZord to walk away. BarneyZord: Ya know, this is the last time I get abused in another guest starring role as the bad guy! Film Director: Aw. Former-Evil Green Ranger: I can't believe I caused all that pain and suffering. White-Out Ranger: It wasn't your fault, you were under an evil spell. Former-Evil Green Ranger: That still doesn't excuse what happened. White-Out Ranger: Don't be so hard on yourself. Former-Evil Green Ranger: Why shouldn't I? Aren't I Hitler? White-Out Ranger: No, no! You stupid igit, you're Evil Green Ranger. Former-Evil Green Ranger: Is that all? Pfft, forget it then. AB Writer: The one thing that wasn't lost in the dubbing of Tommy as the Green Ranger was his neurotic stupidity. White-Out Ranger: That doesn't matter now. Since you're a ranger, you're obligated to carry out any demands in the name of Zordon. Former-Evil Green Ranger: Anything to get out of this humid costume. It's not even made out of real spandex you know. White-Out Ranger: Yeah, I know. For something that rakes in billions annually, you'd think they could afford real costumes. Anyway, don't laugh, but there are big furry mites back in the 18th century terrorizing colonial Angel Grave. Former-Evil Green Ranger: This better be good. White Ranger takes Green Ranger to the old days... SCENE XX: Meanwhile, back in colonial Angel Grave, the cast is seen in lounging chairs taking a break while the big mite men are sitting around with their heads off having a drink. Director: Hey you guys, why aren't you running? Mite Man: I figure we'll get back into character once the action starts. Director: You're not even trying anymore, are you? Mite Man: Unnope! Suddenly, White and Green Ranger appear and everyone gets up. Mite Man: O.k., guys, it's showtime. They cast gets back into character and start jogging throughout the fields. The big furry mites run up to the Tommy's and start hopping around. Green Ranger kicks one of the mites in the groin, White Ranger socks another mite in the stomach and Green Ranger takes the head of the last mite and rams it into a tree causing him to fall down from getting knocked out. The last mite who got his head rammed into the tree takes his head off. Man in Mite Suit #3: And the sad part is, this is the height of my career. Mite Man #2: I think we should stop now. Director: Keep going. Tommy jumps on top of Mite #1's back and starts twisting his legs as the Mite Man #1 is pounding his fists on the floor in agony. Mite Man #1: Make it stop! Make it stop! Dear lord, make it stop! What did I ever do to deserve this abuse?! Tommy picks up Mite #1 by the leg and swings him around until his back curves up against a tree. Mite #1 falls down and is unconscious. Green Ranger takes Mite #2 and #3 and rams their heads together and split kicks both of them. He takes them both and swings them into a lake. They crawl out and then fall onto the ground. Tommy: That takes care of them. Tommy and Green Ranger take their swords and scoop out of the guts of the Mites until they finally die. Mites: Ugh! Tommy: NOW we can shrink them back to their original form. Green Ranger: Wasn't that unnecessary brutality? Tommy: They deserved it. Green Ranger: Somehow, I'm feeling that was just a justification. Tommy: Shut up, 'lright? Green Ranger: Ok. Tommy takes the mangled thermis of the Wizard's and shrinks the big furry mites down to little rats again. ---------- Behind the scenes... The Mite men are found sitting in hospital rooms in bandages. Mite Man #1: I have to talk to my lawyer about Saban. Mite Man #3: I'm with you. Mite Man #2: I thought it was cool! Mite Man #1 and #3: HUH!?!?! Mite Man #2: Uh, nevermind. ---------- The crowd cheers as the mites are reduced to nothing. White Ranger: Well now that, that rather comical incident is behind us. It looks like you can head on back to where we came from. Green Ranger: Yeah, but isn't it going to be a problem for when we get credit cards, drivers licenses and other positive I.D.? After all, we look the same, talk the same and have the same name. White Ranger: Easy; move out of town and call yourself Iggy. Green Ranger: First of all, I have obligations and secondly there is no chance in hell I'm going to have people call me Iggy. White Ranger: Rumplestilskin? Green Ranger: NO! White Ranger: MacDonald Carey? Green Ranger: Iell! No. The point is, I can't go back. White Ranger: Maybe Zordon can figure something out. Green Ranger: Yeah right. And Kimberly isn't the most chaste person in real life you'd ever wanna meet. Maybe I should stay back here and do some good for a change. Citizen: Pardon me, but won't that drastically alter the course of time itself? White Ranger (smoothly): Shuddup. Green Ranger: Wait a minute, didn't you say that only one Tommy can exist in the same time? White Ranger: But I only said that out of spite and vile. Green Ranger: Regardless, I might as well stay back here anyway. Afterall, ol' greenie seems to have been abused beyond recognition if I remember reading the logs of this show properly. RedNek #1: I suppose he could work in our animal maintenance division. Green Ranger: Oh wow, really? What's that? RedNek #1: You scoop sheep dook. Green Ranger (sarcastically): Oh wow, thanks a lot, White Ranger. You really helped out a lot. White Ranger: My pleasure. Now, all we need is to get rid of this awfully wrinkled and overfitted costume. AB Writer: Yeah, what have you been doing, starving yourself? Green Ranger's Brain: Don't say yes, don't say yes, don't say yes. Green Ranger (hesitently): E--yes... Green Ranger's Brain: Pull something like that again and I'll explode on ya. White Ranger: Well, I guess you won't be needing this anymore. White Tommy uses the mangled thermis to absorb his costume leaving him bare in public. All: [Gasp!] Nude Green Tommy: Of course. White Ranger: Oh my! I gotta go... NG Tommy: But what about my clothes!?! Tommy?? White Ranger has already vanished. NG Tommy: Backstabber!!! Tommy goes running through the town buck naked covering his genitals. Passerby: Witch! Passerby: Hethen! Passerby: Heritic! Passerby: You filthy, disgusting pervert! Passerby: How indecent! Passerby: Oh god, man; please! Hide your shame!! NG Tommy: Tommy, you will pay for this!!! SCENE XXI: Back at some cafe... Tommy and Rocky are playing patty-cake while the others are at a table studying. Kimberly: I'm glad Tommy polished off that green dork. Tommy: He was not polished off, and he wasn't a dork. There was ACTUALLY some good that came out of him. Kimberly: Awww, you got to play twinsy-winsy for a day? Tommy: Don't make it sound so whimpy. Billy: Adam, did your face out of the dirt, afterall; she's not the hottest babe on the planet earth. Rocky: BUT, probably the hottest girl Adam will ever had come within viewing distance of. Adam: That's right. Kick me while I'm down. Suddenly, a girl runs up against Tommy and drops all of her books, but she looks exactly like Marissa. Adam smiles at her very giddishly and goes to kiss her when Tommy walks in the way. Tommy: Aye, you clumsy oaf; what's the big idea running into me? I'll have you know those books hurt my feet! Adam: No! No! Tommy: Just haul you skinny butt out of here. No one likes you. In fact, you're the ugliest girl in school and... Melissa picks up her bucks and runs crying. Adam: Dream girl! Wait! Aaaagh! Tommy: Well, I took care of that bitch. Adam: You stupid moron! You ruined my only chance of love!! Adam jumps on top of jumping and starts strangling him. Adam: I hate you! I hate you, you bastard! Aaagh! Kimberly: Uhhh, I think Tommy's swallowing his tongue. Adam: I'll kill you! I'll kill you! I kill youuuuuu!!! THE END (C) 1995 Artist Bros. Enterprises