Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Best Man For A Snob" Parody of, "Best Man For The Job" SCENE I: Our story begins as the Pathetic Rangers--Tommy, Kimberly, Billy and Aisha, are walking in the locker room. Kimberly: Hey, Aisha. How come Rocky and Adam aren't here? Aisha: They were in sex ed class. They are so grossed out that they're taking trips to the nurse's office for nausia. In Miss Appleweed's class... Rocky and Adam and shivering in their seats as they watch an education film strip that looks as if it was recorded with a HandCam in 1972. Starring in it is a man wearing a tacky leisure suit of the '70s, long sideburns, a mustache and crazy looking shoes. Man: Hi, My name is (muffled) mmm, hmmm, hmmm. In this film strip you will learn all the fine arts to you know what. Starring in our film is Walter Capbutt. Walter Capbutt (about 20 years young) is walking down the street whistling wearing the trendy '70s attire. Man: Walter is about to learn something new about his life. He's learning that he's becoming a man. Now that he is becoming a man, he's grown several things. His voice changes, he develops a severe acne problem--and grows more hair where he hadn't had hair before. Boy meets girl. Walter sees Kimberly's mother and flips. Man: Once he sees this women, you know what happens next. Since this is the '70s, courting is dead. When he meets her, he just gets down and dirty and he... Suddenly, we cut to a slow pan of Rocky, Adam and the other students in their seats looking at the off-screen projector while the film begins playing this really corny '70s song featuring a wah-wah pedel (accessory to electric guitars) indicating the man and woman are having sex. Rocky and Adam: EWWW!!! Miss Appleweed: She's fakin' it. ---------- Kimberly: Anyway, who cares about them. Tommy: Yeah. Billy joins the guys fashioning a square haircut with the sides of his head and the back of his head totally shaved off with little dots there and a square shape of hair on the top of his head (i.e. black rapper's hairstyle). Meantime, he's wearing a white tee-shirt with a black leather vest on--no glasses and his pants hanging down so his shorts can be seen. Kimberly: Eww. What happened to you, Billy? Billy: I got trendy. I even made some new friends. Tommy: That's great. But, could you back up about five feet. You're kinda pukin' me out. Billy: What is with you people? First, you want me to be cool, now you want me to be a nerd again. What gives? Tommy: Anyway... about the school election, I wonder who's gonna run for office. Kimberly: How about you? Billy: No way. Tommy is a total airhead. He's a himbo. Kimberly: What's that? Billy: It's a male slut. Tommy: I resent that, geek. Billy: Hey, that kinda rap ain't allowed, got it, homie? Now, if you'll excuse me, I gotta go swing it to my crib. Kimberly: Eeek! Well, I think Tommy would make a great president. Aisha: What are you? On speed? Tommy would suck! Kimberly: Well, I've gotta act extremely nice to him now, otherwise, no one will notice the difference once Rita gets threw with our brains. Tommy: Well, I'm gonna need a campaign manager. Hmmm, it's too bad Adam and Rocky have a month's detention. I would ask for them. Billy: I'll be your funky, fly, fresh campaign manager, homie. Tommy: Yeah, well; what's in it for you? Do I have to do something humiliating like pulling my pants down in front of my voters? Billy: Well, you give Kim, I make you look good. What's it gonna be? Tommy: Well... I dunno. I'll have to think about it. Billy: 20 bucks in it for ya? Tommy: Well, alright. I would've made it 50, but since you seem to be officialy un-dweebed, I guess it wouldn't bruise my rep too much if I was seen in public with you. Billy: Excuse me. So, now that I pratically begged you to let me be campaign manager, I will be expecting $35 a day, a new car, my own parking space, free lunch paid by you and free use to use your CiderZord for my trysts anytime I so choose. Tommy (staring blankly): How about ten cents, a popsicle and a stick of chewing gum? Billy: Deal. So whaddya think of this? Tommy Oliver, Best Man For the Job? Tommy: Nah. That is SO corny. Billy: How about this. I've been working on it for two weeks. Picture it: Vote... For Tommy. Tommy (sarcastically): Wow. So much genious. Billy: Thanks, I came up with it myself. Tommy slaps Billy up on the back of his head. Billy: Ouch! Billy and Tommy walk out the locker room. Aisha: Well, Kim; I didn't want to pop Tommy's big ego--but it would be cool if you ran for office. Kimberly: Aisha, what are you talking about? Aisha: What do you think? Kimberly: Don't ask me, I'm just a girl. Aisha: Eh? Kimberly: Thinking too much gives you wrinkles. Aisha: But, you can't say that! What will it do to the women's rights movement?! It would shatter our faith! Do it for womankind! Do it for us! Do it for 200 dollars! Kimberly: I'll DO it! By the way, why are you talking like a Trini? Aisha: It's simple. As the weakest force of the Female Power Team; it is my responsibility to uphold the trademark of the yellow ranger and be a stuffy, under-sexed, women's rights maniac. Kimberly: Listen, this world has one Gloria Allred that's enough. Don't torture by being her clone. But anyway, why should I run? Aisha: Well, since the school slogan is "Best Man for the Job" I figured we could prove them wrong and maybe even show them that the best "man" could be a lady! Kimberly: You know I HATE to make trouble for everyone. Now, let's stop with all this best lady for the job business and bake some cookies for the boys! Aisha: Obviously, I have a lot of work to do. Aisha walks off. Kimberly opens her locker door and sees all of her text books. Kimberly: Aw geez, I really wish they taught shopping in school. SCENE II: At Lord Bread's... Lord Bread: Well, Rita. Good morning. Rita: Go ta hell. After my plan goes threw, there's gonna be twice as much misery in this toilet stool than there was before! Lord Bread: We're gonna start doin' it in the morning? Rita: Ew NO! I've came up with a plan to destroy those Pathetic Rangers! Lord Bread: I have had it up to here with your upstaging, woman. Ever since I married you, you've been stealing my limelight. Rita: Well, I figured that since you can't do anything _right_ around here, I'll have to do it all myself! Lord Bread: Ha ha! I laugh in your face. There is no possible way that you could win. You're not half the bad guy I am! Heck, you're not even a guy! I have the brute strength of the powerful man. Rita: Actually, you're not. But let's not get technical. Lord Bread: Yeah, but you already gave me my weiner back! Rita: I'm starting to regret it. Lord Bread: Therefore, I am destined to win. Women are useless baggage. Especially witches like you. When you marry them, they become old and ugly and don't cook for you, the sex gets dull, and they stop looking good; giving them no use to the world whatsoever. Goldar: Incidently, master of the universe; I just intercepted 400 very angry faxes from several women around the globe about your piggish, chauvenistic sexism even before you finished your lines. Lord Bread: Well, those panty-hose wearing morons can just kiss my greasy ass. Because, women are dooky and so are you, Goldar. Goodbye! Goldar watches Lord Bread leave. Goldar: Well, I couldn't care less one way or another. I'm just a mindless slave warrior trying to avoid servre battery. Rita: That's what he thinks! Well, I'm gonna to make him eat and then choke on those nasty words he just spit on me. Goldar: Yeah--say it, not spray it. Rita: Anyway, I'm gonna fix those stupid rangers for good this time! It would be really cool if boyfriend and girlfriend down there wanted to rip off each other's skin. Goldar: Which one? Rita: Tommy and Kimberly. Goldar: That's no good. Kimberly sleeps with whoever she wants. And she'll continue to do so until she's 45 and ugly. Rita: Makes no difference, this plot has been reused several times. Look at the charts: in "Eat Skin and Needles," I release a mashed-potato covered boomerang that makes Jason and Tommy draw hatches on each other; in "Broom of Doom," Kimberly gets an attitude and starts verbally passing gas on everyone, in "Pathetic Ranger Flunks," Kimberly and Billy start getting pushy and bossy and spitting on everyone's honor... Goldar: They got the point. But why now? Rita: Because, they're competing in a presidential race. Everyone knows women were never meant to be presidents--a perfect opportunity to make Tommy and Kimberly go at each other's throats. Goldar: Sounds great ta me. How do I fit in all this? Rita: You swipe Tommy's loudmouth sword while he's cussing out Kimberly and then we blow him up to smithereenies. They'll be roast beef without their precious leader--White Out Ranger! Goldar: Brilliance! Sheer brilliance! I gotta go. Bye. Goldar walks off into the dark hall. SCENE III: At school... Rocky and Adam come out Appleweed's classing with their heads spinning and their eyes dancing clutching their guts. Tommy: Don't worry, it'll get much worse when you actually do it, guys. Adam: Cute, real cute. Bulk and Skull waltz down the school stairs. Bulk: Guess what!? I'm gonna run for school president! Skull: Yeah right. No one likes you. Just last week, Appleweed made a spot for you in class that was about 10 feet away from everyone else. What could you possibly say that would convince anyone to vote for you? Bulk: Gee, Skull, thanks for the pep-talk! Of course I have shoo-in speech! I promise to find out who the Pathetic Rangers are! Skull: Yeah, but--who'd believe us? We've called about 13 meetings stating we've solved this pointless mystery, and all we've gotten were pies thrown in our faces; our pants loaded with rat traps beaten up in school bathrooms. Are you opting for Intensive Care? Bulk: No, Skull! All we have to do is look threw the school files and there they'll be! Skull: Hey, I might be a dullard but even _I_ know that makes no sense. How do you even know they go to school. Or even live in this country! For all you know they could be from, from, Tokyo! AB Writer: SHHH! Skull: The Pathetic Rangers' identities are supposed to be a secret. What would they write in forms "Occupation: Pathetic Ranger." for? Bulk: That's IT! YOU'RE NOT my campaign manager! You stink! You have shot down all my hair-brained schemes and I'm sick of it. SCENE IV: Chilling "Moster-Movie" music highlights this scene that begins as Kimberly and Tommy are making out in the middle of park. Tommy: I can't! Kimberly: What's wrong? Tommy: Hit it guys! Some corny music begins while Rockwell's song "Somebody's Watching Me" begins. Tommy (singing): I always feel like--somebody's watching me! And I got no privacy. Oh, oh, oh. I always feel like, somebody's watching me! It just ain't common courtesy... Goldar: Yeah! That's cause someone is! Now shut up and stop wastin' time! Goldar throws this odd rope with electrical sparks all over it on Tommy and Kimberly and they trip over it. Kimberly assumes another viciously annoyed face as does Tommy as they pull apart from each other and stop making out. Kimberly: Eww! Tommy: Thanks alot for stickin' your leg out. Kimberly: I didn't stick my leg out, Boy Wonder. Tommy: Why don't you do me and the world a favor and crawl under a rock and die. Kimberly: I would, but your rotting brains seem to already live there! Tommy: Oh, that's real mature. Kimberly: If anyone is talking about mature, you are the most immature baby I've ever met, egoman. Tommy: Oh yeah, well your butt's so big that I could jump on 'um like a trampelene. Kimberly: Oh yeah? Well your weiner is so thin I could use it as crayon! Tommy: That's it. I'm gonna kick your pink little patoot silly in this race. Kimberly: Oh yeah? That's what you think, you pompus mass of badly combed hair. I'm gonna beat you so bad you're gonna be found in a dusty corner sniveling and cryin', you zit-faced, boney-legged son of a bitch. Tommy: Yeah, that's right, you hussy. Are you as turned on as I am? Kimberly: Take me baby! AB Writers: HOLD IT! HOLD IT! You guys are supposed to hate each other, remember? Kimberly: Crap! You mean, all we do is fight? AB Writers: That's right. Tommy: D'oh! SCENE V: Rita: Squatt, Boo-Boo. Baboo: BABOO!! Rita: Shut up! You have done well by me. Squatt: Thanks. Can I have a super-squishie now? Rita: Yeah. It'll cost you 150 dollars though! Squatt: Geez, this place is a Concentration Camp. Baboo: I know. It stinks. At least we still have Farney. They look at the TV set to see a Pink dinosaur costume. Farney (singing): 1 plus 1 is two. 2 plus 2 is four. 3 plus three is nine... Baboo: He's funny. Squatt: And educational all at the same time! Rita: I don't know why I even put UP with you too. Agh... HEY! Did anyone ever right that note I'm supposed to send down to Tommy? Goldar walks into the room holding the note. Rita: Good. Rita begins to put the note into a US Mailbox. Goldar: NO! The show will be OVER by the time that letter gets to him. Rita: I keep forgetting. First-class for 99 cents, five days. I know! Rita pulls up her heavy-as-led, badly painted staff. Rita: Uhhhhghh!! Rita uses her badly painted staff to transport the note directly to Tommy's locker. Rita: Whew! [She drops the staff leaving behing a LOUD bang.] Now to take Casaba! Goldar, attack! Goldar: Does Lord Bread know you're doing this? Because if I do anything for you that I'm not allowed to do, I'm gonna get the whoopin' of a lifetime. Rita: I don't care! Goldar: I hope my life isn't coming down to this. SCENE VI: At Angel Grave School, Tommy is seen drawing a mustache and beard on Kimberly's picture on her poster and putting circles around her eyes with a black marker. Billy approaches him with his weird do. Billy: Tommy, what are you doing? Tommy quickly turns around and looks at his mark and quickly puts it in his pocket. Tommy: Uhhh... Nothin', Bill. Just uh, airbrushing her picture. Billy: Step aside, greaseman. Billy sees the desecrated poster. Billy: [Gasp!] How could you?! Tommy: Hey, I don't have to answer to you. Billy grabs Tommy turns him around (while we pan around the two) and slams him over and over again into the locker. Billy: You know, you got a really nasty attitude. Tommy: Well I don't like yours either, Funky Fresh B. And frankly, you can just take you and your rapmaster booty and make like a baseball bat and beat it! Billy: Hey, I don't have to take this. I quit! Tommy: You can't do that! Billy: Why? Tommy: Cause I haven't fired you. Billy: You mean I have to put up with you until you decide to unfairly throw me away like a rotten piece of fruit? Tommy: Not any more you don't, you're _fired_, geek. Billy: I am NOT a GEEK! Tommy: Yeah right. Deep down, you know who you are: you're an overall-wearing, glasses bound, short-hair cut yuppie nerd. Billy: That's it! Tommy: Yeah, well, you don't have to put up with me anymore. Now get out! By the way, you can have Kim. I don't need that slut. Billy: I'm telling Kim! Tommy: Yeah, run along, little boy. Tommy adds "Don't Vote For Me, I'm A Bitch" tags on Kimberly's poster that says "Vote for Me, I'm Rich." Then he puts a picture of Kimberly using the bathroom in place of her picture. Kimberly: What do you think you're doing, you worm? Tommy: Just enhancing your lovely picture. Tommy walks away as we pan up to the picture then see Kimberly turning around after seeing it steamed. Kimberly: Ooo! He's going to pay for this! Kimberly adds "Don't Vote For Dummy" on top of Tommy's poster reading "Vote for Tommy." Then adds on another poster that reads "Vote for Me, I'm a Stud," "Don't Vote for Me, I'm a Dud." Tommy puts a "Kick Me In the Crotch" poster on Kimberly's back. Aisha: I don't like this at all. Billy: You're one to talk. You started this whole mess with your women's lib crap. Aisha: It's not like I have a choice. Billy: Ugh. Adam walks passed Billy. Adam: Heh. Cool do, Bill. Billy: Yeah. Shut up! It'll take three weeks for my hair to grow back! Hey, Kim. Wanna go out tonight? Kimberly: You...are Tommy's campaign manager. 'Nuff said. Billy: Dammit! I hate this election. I wonder if I'll ever get a campaign manager job. Billy stands in that same position as he dreams up standing next to President Bill Clinton. Clinton: And I promise, if you re-elect me, retards can get on the Information Super-highway. Even my best friend, Zutroy. Billy comes out of dream state. Billy: [Shutter.] Tommy rips off the "Don't" from off of his "Vote for Tommy" poster but leaves the "Dummy." Student: Uh, didn't you forget to take the Du off your... Tommy: SHUT UP! I'm to PISSED to think! Kimberly puts on one of Tommy's poster that says "Vote For Me, I'm A Gaud" "Don't Vote For Me, I'm a Bawd." Then puts on the other one that reads the same thing "Don't Vote For Me, I'm a Fraud." Aisha: This has got to stop! Billy: Got any ideas? An Indian student walks passed feuding Kimberly and Tommy and sees them and quickly tries to leave when they stop him. Tommy: HEY! Habib, vote for me! Kimberly: No! Don't listen to that jerk! Vote for me! Tommy: No! She's a tramp! Go for me! I'm cool and popular! Kimberly: Vote for me! Tommy: No me! Habib: AHHHH!!! Habib takes off sobbing. Kimberly: Look what you did! He would've voted for me if it weren't for you! Tommy: He wouldn't have voted for you anyway. A girl walks passed the two. Tommy: Hey you, you are gonna vote for me--right? Girl: Uhhh... Kimberly: Did he know he doesn't know how to read? Girl: Gee! Tommy: Uhh, uhhh... Did you know Kimberly isn't housebroken? Girl: Eww! Kimberly: Uhhh... Tommy still sleeps in a crib! Girl and Tommy: What?! Kimberly: Okay, so I'm stretching it. But you should vote for me anyway! I endorse wonder-bras! Tommy: Well, I endorse the new sniff-n-smell underpants that glow in the dark! Girl: I'm voting for Bulk! Tommy and Kim: Bulk!?! Girl: Yeah. You two annoy me. Tommy: Heh heh. I don't believe this! Kimberly: I know I'll be able to get this guy to vote for me! A guy walks in between Tommy and Kimberly. Kimberly: Hey, I'm free. Tonight, you can feel these all night long and see what I hide under my biker pants IF you vote for me! Tommy: That is so cheap! Kimberly: Shut up! I'm getting his attention. Kevin: I don't date girls. Kimberly: Oh. Another one of those nitwits. A-sexual, right? Kevin: No. Gay. So, Tom--how's it goin'? I'm not doin' anything tonight. Tommy (annoyed): I am _not_ gay. Kevin: Have it your way, puny. You won't be gettin' my vote. I could've made the earth move for you! Tommy: Eww yulk!! You think your breasts can do everything for you? Kimberly: They CAN do ALMOST everything, fudge-teeth. An odd telegram just appears on Tommy's locker and Billy passes it and takes it upon himself to read it. Billy: Hmm. Dear Tommy, have I got the goods on Kimberly. Come to the park, all alone, and I'll give you secret information about her... Tommy: GIMME THAT! I fired you, remember Toad Stool? Now let's see here, "...I've got what it takes to put you in the lead 'cause I've got the low down on Kimberly. Come to the park all alone and I'll show you the skeletons hidden in her closet. Just air the dirty laundry I've got for you at the park about Kim's secrets and you'll win for sure! Signed, Nunayobiznis." Hmmm, this guy sounds creepy, but anything to wipe that ugly happy-face off of that dumb-bell. SCENE VII: Tommy is walking towards the park. Tommy: Stupid Billy. Stupid Kim. Stupid everything! Thank goodness my good looks, awesome hair and irresistable charm is going to make me win. Gee, my hair looks great today! Oh right, doesn't it always? Heh-heh. I wonder where that guy is? Tommy walks into the park and notices a clothes hamper full of dirty clothes. Still surprised at seeing a laundry basket sitting in the middle of the park, Tommy is hit with a plastic skeleton model. Tommy: HEY! Is this some kind of cruel joke? Six Muddies summersalt over each other and begin circling Tommy. Tommy: Aww no! Not these claybrains! Goldar pops out of thin air into the scene. Goldar: HA HA HA! Your fate is sealed! Muddies, attack him! Tommy begins seeing Kimberly's face on all the Muddies and starts kicking their butts meaner than he ever has. Goldar: Oh no! This is getting frightening! Squatt: Why? Goldar: The Muddies are BLEEDING. Squatt: Gee, that's no good. What are you going to do, Goldar? Goldar: Get on the densive! Squatt: Shouldn't that be offense? Or at least aggressiveness. Goldar: No! I'm going to pass gas, and Tommy'll pass out! Baboo: Passing gas isn't allowed on TV. I'm afraid it's just gonna be another stupid battle that makes you look unskilled and uneducated and Tommy look good. Goldar: Oy!! Tommy! Take me on, you twit! Tommy: With pleasure! Tommy whips out his Power Morpher. Tommy: CiderZord Tommy poses. Tommy: Now you're going to find out what your colon look like! Seet-HOOYA! Muddies run after Tommy single-file and get knocked to alternating sides with every hurricane kick. Tommy jumps up and knocks out two putties; bounces off a tree and punches another Muddy out. Suddenly a Muddy comes out of the clear blue sky and low-kicks Tommy causing him to fall on his butt. Tommy: Aww man! My powers! They're gettin' weak! Wait a minute! I'm the unstoppable White Ranger! AB Writers: You gotta be kicked in the hiney as an excuse for the useless rangers to join you. Tommy: Aww man--and that sissy Blue Ranger too? AB Writers: Don't you mean, Pink Ranger? Tommy: Well yeah, that twit and Billy. AB Writers: Must be nothin' the hairstylists can do to shield Billy from the cold-hearted razzing. Oh well, just do what the script says. SCENE VIII: Kimberly is running back into the halls of Angel Grave High breathing very rapidly and sweating feverishly. Aisha joins her as she's still buttoning a few of her clothes. Aisha: What's up with you? Kimberly (breathing hard): Campaign party; my house. Aisha: What did you do? Kimberly (breathing hard): Did a nude show. Aisha: What!? This was DEFINATELY NOT my idea. All I wanted was a little bruised male-ego, that's all. But now this has gone too far. Kimberly: This is all your fault, Aisha. You brainwashed me with all that "fight the power" B.S., and now my funky hunk hates me. Adam: You're starting to get out of character. Kimberly: Oh right. Hey wait a minute, where did you guys come from? Rocky: We just materialized. Isn't cyberspace keen? Billy: Yeah, well, in real life--we call that a plot-hole. The Rangers get paged... Zordon: Pathetic Rangers. ---------- Billy: Yes? ---------- Zordon: Morph. Alpha: Tommy is in extreme danger. ---------- Rocky: Okay. _I_ Get a line! Heh-heh. Billy: No you don't. You just say what we have to say everyday--It's Morphin' Time! Adam: Major... Kimberly: Hold it! Why don't we wait and let Tommy marinate in his own sweat! Yeah... [devilishly] And just as he's about to pass out to kiss the world goodbye! We'll rescue him. Aisha: Kim, that's cold, vendictive and ruthless. Let's do it! Rocky: We don't have time for your shenanigans. It's Morphing Time! Adam: Majormess Kimberly: Pterydorky Billy: Tribladdertops Aisha: Sabretoothed-Alley Cat Rocky: Trashosaurus SCENE VIX: In slow-motion, Tommy summersalts and lands in front of Goldar. Goldar: Tommy, I have a surprise for you and you're not gunna like it neither. Tommy: Save it for my birthday party--I'm going to whip you and you're going to scream like the bitch you are. Goldar: Hahaha! I spit in your face, White Ranger! Unfortunately, I don't have a tongue. No matter! Tommy takes out Casaba and fights Goldar's sword. Goldar out-matches Tommy and strikes Tommy when an unexpected spark explodes on Tommy's power suit. Tommy rolls back some and then is grabbed by Muddies. Tommy: Huh, what the... Goldar: See? I'd hate to say this, you boob, but I TOLD YOU SO! The special-effects guys decided to do some blasting-caps experiments and figured out how to give this show some life. Say goodbye Tomm--OOOF!!! Goldar is kicked in the shoulder by Red Ranger. Tommy: It's about time, you stooges! Billy: Listen to me, you snob--you've gotten on everyone's nerves today. You're lucky you have any help at all today! Tommy: No I'm not. You don't get paid unless you help me. Billy: Yeah yeah. We know. Let's get this over with! Rocky somersaults out of the air and kicks out three Muddies threatening Tommy. Rocky: Are you okay, Tommy? Tommy: Yeah, I thikn so. Rocky: Well don't worry, buddy, we're here to help you, and... AAAUGH! A muddie kicks Rocky in the gut causing him to fly clean into the air and fall on his butt next to Kimberly. Kimberly: Oh my gosh! Rocky, did you get hurt because of Tommy? Rocky: Yeah, pretty bad, Kim. Uh, but why do you care? Kimberly: Because I'm at odds with Tommy. Rocky: Oh; I see. Use _me_in your little chess game and... Kimberly: Rocky, rope it in. Rocky: O.k. Kimberly: This oughta teach Tommy a lesson. Kimberly comes out of the air and lands in front of a Muddy and low-kicks it onto it's side, summersalts to kickout one Muddy--backflips, dodges a punch, blocks another punch and then punches a X-Spot and blows up the Muddy. Tommy kicks a muddy and trips. Kimberly: Geez! You can't do anything right! Tommy: Hey, I've had just about enough of you. Kimberly: So have I. You better be careful before I shave you bald, you arrogant airhead. [Without looking, an attacking Muddy attempts to ambush Kimberly and she sticks her arm up knocking him out] Tommy: You know, I've always wanted to pop you one. Kimberly: You can kiss your own hairy butt! Tommy: Oh, I'll tell you what you can kiss... Kimberly steps on a Muddy's back to confront Tommy. Kimberly: I've had it with you. It's about time our hollow-headed leader got what's comin' to 'em. Tommy: Who you callin' hollow-headed, bimbo! Goldar puts his hand on Kimberly's shoulder. Goldar: Um, excuse me... Kimberly (knocking Goldar's hand off): Lemme alone! I have score to settle. Tommy: Don't you think you've scored enough for one life-time? Kimberly: You better do what we say, because if you don't, I'm gonna have to do somethin' to ya, and I don't know what that is because everyone has ALWAYS done what I say! Tommy: Ooo, I'm scared. You better keep quiet before I ring you out and use your brains as wallpaper paste. Kimberly: How about if I set your hair on fire, you useless waste. Goldar: EXCUSE ME!! Kimberly: WHAT!?! Goldar punches Kim directly in the head and we see her body go flying through the air. Goldar: Um, sorry. Goldar slams his fist into Tommy's fast and he's out cold. Goldar: I'd hate to interrupt this immature, sickening bruhaha, but we were in the middle of a fight. And I respectfully request that you STRAIGTEN UP AND FLY RIGHT! Kimberly: That's it, you've had it! Muddies begin attaching themselves to Tommy holding him down. Goldar: NOW, I have you! I think I'll just help myself. Tommy: NO! Goldar takes Casaba (Tommy's short-sword) out of his belt-holster. Goldar: And now, I think I'm going to take a walk. Goldar leisurely starts walking out of the park and the remaining Yellow, Red, Black and Blue Rangers jump after him, but end up land on top of each other missing Goldar. Adam: Ya know, we're gonna have to learn some new tricks. Rocky: Oh no! Somehow, defying all rules of fair-play, Goldar as abducted Casaba! Billy: This just _isn't_ my Day! Adam: We have to get it back. Kimberly: Don't worry. I'll get it. Together, Kimberly and Tommy begin running after fleeing Goldar. As Kim and Tommy close in on Goldar, they bounce off of each other and hit the ground. Aisha: Oh great! Kimberly and Tommy are out Cold! Adam: Quickly! Let's get these two back to the command center before they come to. Tommy & Kimberly: Uh, oh...ugh... Billy: To late. Kimberly: Why don't you watch where you're going... Tommy: Listen, if you sass me one more time... The Rangers teleport away. SCENE X: The Rangers teleport into the command center with Alpha looking in a trunk searching for something. Tommy (just now appearing): ...BONEHEAD! You RUINED our ONLY chance of getting MY weapon back. Now Goldar's going to make french toast out of Angel Grave. Kimberly: If you weren't such a wimp, he would've never gotton it in the first place! Huh, girl indeed. You're the one who looks like a girl; with that [mockingly] pony-tail of yours. Tommy: Hey, don't you be knocking my pony-tail. If someone set your hair on fire, it would ignite instantly--as dry as your hair is. Billy: You two couldn't shut up long enough to morph. Aisha: Isn't there anything we can do for them, Zordon? Adam: Yeah, these two are completely driving us out of the show. Rocky: Yeah! Zordon: Tommy and Kimberly are under a spell. I'll get back to that in just a sec. Billy, what's wrong with your Hair. Billy: Oh, not you too! Alpha: Well, it's not as though you're John Stamos. Zordon: Anyway, due to the return of Rita--we're back to her old tricks. During their love making, Kimberly and Tommy were turned against each other in mid-kiss by a magic rope sent by Baboo and Squatt under direct orders from Rita. Simiarly to when Tommy cursed out Jason; by the way, Tommy? You're a troublemaker. Billy: Can't we use the standard lie-potion to fix this situation? Zordon: Fortunately no. The effects of that chemical compound are only temporary and has to be replaced with a perminate partial lobotomy. Since Tommy and Kimberly ACTUALLY like each other; we need the symbol of peace, love and harmony. Long pause . . . . . Alpha: You don't know, do you? Zordon: GIVE ME A MINUTE! Billy: This should take a while. Zordon: I've got it...Weed. Tommy: Huh? Alpha: If you hadn't noticed, we're on T.V. and our fax machine will be heaving tons of hate messages from parents around the globe protesting obvious drug usage during a childrens television time-slot. It falls under the catagory of no cannibalism on a network television program for juveniles and minors. Zordon: Do you have a better idea? Alpha: Naturally. A flower. Here, smell these roses. Kimberly and Tommy sniff the same bunch of roses when their head begins to clear. Tommy: Woah. Kimberly: Oh god. Tommy: Everything's comin' back into focus.. Kimberly: Man, I'm glad I don't have to do that anymore. Tommy: God, you're SO hot Kimberly. Kimberly: I'm so Horny right now... Tommy: You said it. Kimberly: You want me right now, right here on the floor? Tommy: Let's go for it. Suddenly Tommy and Kimberly drop from the picture making all sorts of sloppy sounds. Rocky: Ew, they're makin' creamy noises, Zordon; make 'em stop. Adam: It was bad enough seeing it in Sex Ed. Zordon: I am sorry, the forces of nature are beyond my control. Alpha (nerviously): Heh-heh. Uh, I almost forgot to mention the side-affect. All the held-back hormones stored up during the spell come gushing forward in one single blast as soon as the spell wears off. They're going to want a marathon. Adam: Well, we can't wait 15 minutes. Angel Grave is about to be made into scrambled eggs. They can do it all they want when the battle is over. Billy: AYE! AYE! AYE! Get up; we have work to do. Kimberly and Tommy get up, straightening out their costumes and clearing the hair from out of their faces. Billy: That's better. Adam: Zordon; we have big trouble. Goldar has stolen the Casaba. Billy: Worse yet, the directors did a very uncomprimising impromptu with actual special effects. It barbequed the padding in my super suit! Billy opens his suit zipper to show a black, smoking blotch on his padding. Rocky: Worse yet, Goldar stole Casaba! Alpha: Adam already said that. Get with it, man! Zordon: Well, then, Go Get It! Aisha: But how? Goldar is going to make Rice Crispies out of us with him. Billy: Yeah, he brainwashed Casaba against us. Zordon: Casaba is mainly made of alumini triciliate, a super-light but extremely strong metal. Perhaps, Alpha can create a hand-held electro-magenet to take Casaba back. Tommy: Can you do it, Alpha? Alpha: I'll certainly try. Billy: In which case we can expect to wait a really, really long time. Rocky, annoyed, looks at Kimberly and Tommy staring into each others' eyes. Rocky: (Tsk) Back to action! SCENE XI: The Rangers summersalt over each other and pose. All Rangers: Pathetic Rangers. We do a very, very, very, very speedy-fast zoom in on a directors chair that Casaba is propped up on while having rope tied around him like a P.O.W. Casaba: Oh, this is so humiliating! Too bad that Ryan Steele doesn't use swords like me. Rita: Hi, Rangers; it's so nice to see you today. Considering all that's going to be left of your carcusses are broken bones. Aisha: I don't think so. Rocky: You don't know what you're messing with, Rita! Rita: Huh? Jason, what happened to your voice? Rocky: He doesn't live here anymore and soon you wont either. Adam: Yeah, so get off our planet! Aisah: Before you get hurt! Billy: 'Cause the Pathetic Rangers are in town. Tommy: Look, it's Casaba! Casaba (with gag): Augh, augh, augh, ack... Rita: I don't think he can here you, who ever you are... Goldar: That's White Ranger. Rita: Where did he come from? Goldar: Well, when Green Ranger lost his powers...oh, I got no time to explain it right now. And now, you will suffer the wrath all the Bad Guys on childrens T.V! Everyone from Magneto down to Oscar the Grouch! Take this! Rita starts carving bits of paint off of Casaba. Casaba: OOCH! Tommy: This is ridiculous! You shouldn't expect to keep your job any longer if you keep defacing my sword! Rita: If you ever want to see your precious, upper-crust loudmouth, you'll surrender! Adam: No way! Billy: You're nuts. Goldar: Have it your way! Rocky: Okay, a pickle on top of turkey on white rye. No mayo. Goldar: Do you think this is MacRonalds!?!? Take this! Goldar squeezes Casaba's throat and fires a massave shot at the Rangers as explosions knock them off their feet and landing as though they've all been blown unconscious. Billy: Woah, that was too close for comfort! Aisha: It's almost as though it was a direct hit. Rita: It was! Goldar: I told you the special-effects geeks finally got their act together, and now you are going to become a small hill of ashes! Rita: TigerZord, Power! White-Cider Zord appears and then transforms. Rocky: We need BlunderMegaZord Power! Suddenly, the zords appear and begin to transform. BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord and White-Cider Zord begin dukin' it out. Rita and Goldar laugh as we pan over to Tommy who's behind the bushes. Tommy: I sure hope Alpha didn't screw up. BlunderMegaZord gets decked by CiderZord and falls down and begins to writh helplessly. Tommy: Here's my cue! SEET-HYA! Tommy summersalts into the air and kicks out Goldar whom is laying completely flat on his face. Tommy activates the electromagnet and pulls Casaba out of Rita's hands. Casaba: Oh goodness, that was a horrible experience. Because of being with Rita, I'm almost def in one ear. Tommy: No time to complain, it's time to stop CiderZord. The Zords stop slapping each other and just stand perfectly still and then fade out. SCENE XII: Lord Bread's... Lord Bread: Well now, Rita. Are you prepared to make the ultimate sacrifisce and tell me the inevitable fact about life? Men have a purpose, women are garbage! Rita: No! I will NOT! You didn't do jack crap! All you did was sit in your throne and laugh while I did all the dirty work! This was my entire plan! We're married now, and you're gonna start pitchin' in, Mr. Macho Man! Lord Bread: Go ta hell! Rita: I already am there, livin' with you! And lemme tell you another thing... SCENE XIII: At the Youth Center, Capbutt, Appleweed, Tommy, Kimberly, Billy, the Gang along with all the students of Angel Grave High are getting ready for the results of who is the new student body president. Kimberly: ...and in closing, I'd just like to say; My name is Kimberly but you can call me [whistle]. The students applaude the speech as she steps away from the podium. Capbutt: Gee, Kim; that was a, uh...um, Riviting speech. And now, Thomas Oliver's final words. Thomas? Tommy steps up to speak. Tommy: Hello everybody. Before I begin, I would just like to say that Kimberly means the universe to me. She is my eternal best friend and I would take a bullet in the groin for her. For her to be class president would fill me with such joy I would burst. Because I'm a man, I have no worthy value to be anything more than sex-slave to all you women unable to get a date because your braces kept you from all the good looking guys in the class. Except me, because I'm a total loser and a complete wimp. Thank you. Tommy takes the script off the podium and crumples it up to throw into the trash. Billy (grinning): Heh-heh, hehehehehe, HA! HAHA, HAHA! Tommy: And just what is so funny? Cantine-boy? Billy: OH nothing. Except that by the end of the week every last sweedish girl in class is going to ask you out. Tommy: Eat it, nerd-burger. I didn't write that speech. Kimberly wrote it for me and made me say it. Billy: Yeah, I'll buy that when talent directs this show. Tommy: No really, since we did it for two-hours straight, I owed her. And so here I am. Hey, Billy? Billy, where did you go? Billy is seen unconcious on the floor. Capbutt: And here now, are the election results. The new student body class president Is.....Kimberly--Hart? Kimberly: Writers have a hard time with continuity. Capbutt: The details of the results are as follows: 128 voted in this race. 96 voted for Kimberly. 31 voted for Tommy. Out of those 31, 2 males voted for Tommy. Tommy: Thanks, Rocky and Adam. Rocky: How'd you know it was us? Adam: Yeah! Tommy: A lucky guess. Capbutt: One vote for Bulk. Bulk: HUH!? How could this be!? Skull, didn't you vote for me? I was only able to bribe one vote. Skull: Well, ya see, Kimberly KINDA held a strip-part and she KINDA was the show and I KINDA voted for her... Bulk: That's It! I've had it with you, Skull! You know what this means don't you. Skull: Oh, no no no; PLEASE... Bulk: Oh yes... WE are going on ANOTHER quest to find out the true identities of the pathetic Rangers! Capbutt: ...out of the 96 that voted for Kimberly, 69 males voted for her. 27 females voted for her. Aisha: What females would vote for Kimberly? Suddenly, seven girls are walking around in pink bike-pants and a leotard having at Kimberly. Girls: Hi, Kim! Girl #1: You're our mentor! Kimberly (slaps her forehead): UGH! THE END (C) 1995 Artist Bros. Enterprises