Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Wild Guess Rangers, Part I" Parody of, "Wild West Rangers, Part I" SCENE I: Our story begins in a close-up a giant cactus plant Tommy is holding in the Junk Food Bar. Tommy: Kimberly is gonna be mud in my hands when I give her this. Tommy walks up to Billy's stool next to the counter and puts the cactus plant on his stool. Billy goes to sit on his seat and gets his bottom thoroughly pricked. Billy: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOUUUUCHH!!!!! Oww!! My butt hurts! I sat on something really spikey. Tommy: Hehehehe, like my plant, Bill? Billy: You're just not gonna be happy until I pull the ultimate revenge. Tommy: Whaddya gonna do? Give me a haircut. Billy: Yeah, you need it. I was SUPPOSED to accidentally prick myself. Tommy: Hey, shut up! Rocky: Aww come on, you shreak like a girl. Tommy: Let's see if I PUNCH like a girl. Tommy gets ready to deck Rocky when Kimberly walks into the scene, wearing a short, belly-button exposing pink shirt and a very short mini-skirt on. Tommy: I'll mess you up later. Right now, I got a date with love! Tommy gives Kimberly the cactus plant. Kimberly: What is this? Tommy: Cactus plant--for you. Kimberly: Oh, that's real sweet. Real good. Are you tryin' to say I am a zit-faced, pointy body'd shrew? This is an insult... Tommy: No, it was just... Kimberly: I hate it! I hate this present! You men just suck! Kimberly throws the cactus plant at Tommy and it scrapes his face up. Tommy: Oh my face!! My beautiful face!! Billy: Hahahahahahaha!! Tommy puts the plant in Billy's pants. Billy: Oww oooo!! Adam: I better get this thing away from you guys, you guys are abusing its beauty. Adam grabs the cactus and pricks himself. Adam: Ooouch!! AB Writers: By the end of this episode, you all will be in bandages. Suddenly, the cactus plant just magically vanishes out of existence with a puff of smoke. Kimberly: Well, what happened to your plant, Tommy Boy? Tommy: I don't know, ungrateful. Maybe you stuck it in Billy's pants. Billy: Oh no! If you touch that thing to my body one more time, I'm gonna have to shoot you! Adam: Hey, don't lose your top. Afterall, no one knows what happened to the plant. Tommy: Hmmp. That's the last time I look at Chuck Woolery's "Love Connection" for advice. Adam: We better contact Zordon. Billy: *I* stole it! Yes, it was meee!! Tommy: Oh please. Billy: Oh okay. So I didn't. I wish I did though. The rangers go to the hall of the Junk Food Bar and ready to teleport. Adam: Let's do it. Kimberly: Right here? In the hallway? Adam: Ugh!! They all teleport--except Kimberly. Kimberly: Hey, hey--hey, you guys. It isn't April Fools' Day yet. C'mon! I'm serious. C'mon, GUYS!?!? Kimberly then is vacuumed into a floating, rainbow-colored wormhole. SCENE II: Establishing shot on the Command Center, we fade into the interior where the Rangers teleport inside, all but Zordon oblivious to Kimberly's absence. Tommy: So what's going on, Zordon? Zordon: Kimberly's... Billy: Something happened to the cactus--not that I'm upset. Rocky: Lord Bread is definately up to something. Zordon: He is, you see, Kimberly... Adam: I bet he's tryin' to make a monster out of the cactus. Tommy: Hey, don't hurry the show along. Zordon: Now see, if you'd just listen to me, Kimberly has been... Tommy: Hey, where's Kimberly? Alpha: AYE YI YI!! Zordon: You kids's gonna put me into my grave! Rocky: Why didn't you tell us Kimberly isn't here. Zordon: I'd throw you out if you wern't the Pathetic Rangers. Adam: Hey, stop sidestepping the issue. Zordon: Listen, you annoying little losers, Kimberly has somehow been vacuumed into a timehole. Billy: Not again. I think we already went threw this in "The Vomiting of Green Ranger." Adam: That was "The Regurgitation of the Green Vomit Ranger." Billy: What a long, and repugnant name. Zordon: Anyways, we've got some scene switching to do. Lord Bread, Rita and Kimberly's scenes are of utmost importance if we ever want to get a plot. Alpha: Since when have we had that? Zordon: Good point. SCENE III: Out in the middle of what appears the be the open plain of the wild-west, a colorful, distorted rainbow the shape of a hole spits Kimberly out and then disappears. Kimberly is splattered out onto the ground and then gets up with her bra strap showing. Kimberly: Oh, that didn't do. Kimberly looks around and notices there isn't anything around for miles and miles. Kimberly: Oooo. Scary! LET ME OUTTA HERE!! AB Writer: Do you wanna keep your contract for the third season? Kimberly: Yeah. AB Writer: Then STOP saying...that ANNOYING line!! Thank you. Kimberly: See ya. This place is totally weird. Kimberly hears the sound of a horse-carriage when she ducks behind a convenient boulder by her side. Peaking out from behind the boulder, she spots Bulk in a ten-gallon cowboy hat with a flimsy patch on his left eye with some jeans and a holster. Skull is right by his side with an obvious fake-mustache on. Skull: Dawn? Bulk: It's past dawn. Skull: So, when do we rob the bank? Bulk: Afternoon, no one'll ever suspect a thing. Skull: Let's try to not be conspicuous. Bulk: How? Skull: Grab that funny lookin' prostitute. Kimberly: Scuse me, fellas--I'm not a prostitute, just wanted to let you know. Bulk: Then how come you be wearin' them revealing things then, huh missy? Kimberly: Well, see... (Feminine Shreak) Bulk grabs Kimberly and drags her onto his horse. Kimberly: Help! Tommy!!! Anybody!! Bulk: No one can save you now! Hahahahahaha!! The voice of Tommy is heard... Six-Bullet Thomas: Put the girl down. Bulk: You've won this round, you pathetic, white dressed navajo, but you're not gonna be so lucky when I execute my plan later today! Six-Bullet Thomas: Now scram! Six-Bullet Thomas approaches Kimberly on a WHITE horse of all things, dressed in white; wearing a white eye-mask. Kimberly: Wow! YOU'RE the Lone Ranger!? Six-Bullet Thomas: Well, not exactly. See, umm, it's quite a long story. In fact, the story makes absolutely no sense. Rockwell and Abraham (Rocky and Adam, 1800s style) ride up to Kimberly on red-painted and black-painted horses. Rockwell: How do ya do, fine missy? Abraham: I believe you didn't finish dressing today. Kimberly: Excuse me, but I am totally psyched out. Why are you two knuckleheads riding horses? Abraham: Because the jackasses were too small. Kimberly: That's not funny. Abraham: Jackass. Donkey. Ya know, muley dogs. Six-Bullet Thomas: That darn One-Eyed Bulk just can't stop with his mayhem. Well, lemme take you to a saloon. Kimberly: Ohhhkay... SCENE IV: Lord Bread's. Lord Bread: YES!! This is glorius! Kimberly's brains are so slow that she can't even tell that she's in the 19th century! Hahahaha!! Squatt: You better hope so, otherwise, she'll... Lord Bread: She'll WHAT!?!? She can't DO anything as long as she's in another time slot altogether. Yes, it's perfect! Maybe, maybe she'll win the "Home Improvement" vs. "Frasier" war with her new timeslot, 8:00 Tuesdays. Baboo: He's touched. Rita: Yeah, in the head. Lord Bread: Goldar! Goldar: Something you need, sir? Lord Bread: Yeah, a smart warrior, but you'll have to do. Goldar: I take deep offense. Lord Bread: I don't care! Now get down there and make sure of it Kimberly can never come back. When the others go down to save her, we'll turn off the vacuum of time, and the Pathetic Rangers would never have been born, thus, making my reign endless. Finster: This is probably pointless to bring up, but don't you think this will seriously mutate the course of time? Lord Bread: Data did it in an episode of "Star Trek: The Next Generation." Goldar: Then what? Lord Bread: Then, thanks to that worthless cactus plant of Tommy's that I have kidnapped in my hands, I'm going to now create PinHead!! Lord Bread's X-stick turns the cactus plant into PinHead. Lord Bread: I want you to give Angel Grave a big squeeze! Hug everyone you meet! Goldar: Why!?! Lord Bread: Would you want to hug a CACTUS?! Goldar: Ohhhh!! PinHead (Bobcat Goldthwait voice): But I've got feelings. It's always do this, and do that. I wish you wouldn't treat me with disrespect. It's rude and I'm appreciate it if I were treated with some kind of dignity. When am I going to have my own self-esteem back? Huh!? My life is worthless! And it's all your fault. You're just a loser! Lord Bread: Oh no!! Not a self-conscious, whiney, low self-esteemed nitwit! Listen, you; you have only one purpose, and that is to help me! Got it!?!? PinHead: Fine, you don't have to yell. I can hear you just fine. Get your hands off me Goldar! I'll prick you all! Goldar: Listen, mashed potato brains, we've got something to do. Time's a wastin'. Now, you can take you, and your insecure butt and come with me! Lord Bread: The Pathetic Rangers shall soon be history!!! SCENE V: At Ernie's Juice and Punch Saloon... Ernie: Apple Juice! Only nine cents! Kimberly sits down at a table with her five wild west dressed Pathetic Ranger friends. Kimberly: Billy! You're wearing glasses. William: Yeah, my eyes are so bad! Abraham: Howdy! Abraham (Adam) takes his hat off to reveal his parted hair-do. Kimberly: Geez! What happened to your hair! Abraham: Oh, that's nice. Really nice. Thanks a lot for hurting my feelings. You could've at least told me it looks nice. Thanks for bruising my ego. But I will NOT cry (voice cracking)... Kimberly: Actually, I liked it better. Rockwell: Well, Abey over there is a little on the soft side. William: Yeah, like cookie dough. So, little miss trampy--you're a weird little bitty. Kimberly: Hey, I know when someone's callin' me a bitch! All Rangers: Kimberly: Was it something I said? William: Well, 'round here, you say some'n nasty like that, you should expect a mouthfull of laundry detergent. Kimberly: What is WITH you guys!?? William: What's with you? You keep calling me Billy. My name is William, that over there is Missy (whistle) Aisha, that's Slowpoke Rockwell, and that's softy-lofty Abraham. Kimberly: This joke has just been going on too long. It's starting to scare me. William: So, how many cowpolks didja bag this week? a'hundred? Kimberly: I am NOT a prostitute! Rockwell: Sure could've fooled me. Kimberly: Where's Tommy? William: Six-Bullet Thomas MacDonald-Twain Oliver Twist? Kimberly: Yeah. William: Shootin' some folks. Kimberly: Geez. You guys act as if you came from the 1800s. Missy Aisha: Well we did! And back in my day, prostitutes like me wore long dresses and black-laced stockings. You're just plain filthy. But, I CAN help you get some good tips on how to get a good turnout. Kimberly rapidly rises from out her chair at the table and smacks the table in anger. Kimberly: For the LAST time! I am NOT...I repeat...NOT a prostitute!! A hand-comb falls from her skirt. Kimberly: Oh! That's IT! I'm cursed, yes--that's right. I MUST be cursed. Rockwell: That's too bad. Missy Aisha is the only one 'round, but they'd take my underwear and burn it and leave my naked self tied to a donkey if I had an inter-racial relationship (not that bein' a client is any more respectable). Thus, we have not evolved yet from childish prejudices and interracial biases. Kimberly: That's it! I have to get outta here!! Kimberly runs out the saloon. William: Ya always get yer weird ones every Saturday. Kimberly runs out to an old Wild West town of women in horse carriages. Men are walking around wearing perukes. Kimberly is aimlessly walking in circles around the town as women and men are staring at her. An old lady walks passed Kimberly. Old Lady: Oh dear lord! Blind me!! Kimberly starts getting frightened and begins trying to cover up by folding her arms around her exposed belly and squinching her legs in. When it does work, Kimberly tries to pull her shirt down to cover up more of herself. AB Writer: Sorry, Kimmy; that shirt won't go any lower than that. Kimberly: Yes it can! Kimberly pulls it down and tears off a piece on the right, causing her left bosom in her black bra to be seen. Kimberly: Oh great!! Kimberly tries to pull up her short mini-skirt to cover her belly button. AB Writers: Sorry, Kim; the higher you pull that skirt, the more your thigh is exposed. Either way, you dreseed very badly today. Kimberly: I just wish I could just crawl under a hole and die! AB Writer: Okee dokee. (Typing while talking it out) Kimberly digs dirt up and crawls in, covers the dirt over herself and dies... Kimberly: Nonononono!! I didn't mean literally!!! AB Writer: Make up your stinking mind! Kimberly notices a sign that says "Juice and Punch Saloon. Est. 1880" Kimberly: Oh my god! SCENE VI: In the command center, they see Kimberly trying to stand behind objects to keep her mid-drift from being seen. Tommy: Well, we can't just leave her there. Alpha: And we can't let Lord Bread and his self conscious mutant trash the world either. Zordon (singing): Bad Boys, Bad Boys, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you... Billy: Are you having another one of those de-ionize moments? Zordon: Maybe, god I love that song. The rangers look in the viewing globe at Goldar, PinHead and his muddies jumping around an open plain park. Tommy: We're gonna have to off this monster before you gets a chance to get into that time-vacuum. IT'S MORPHIN' TIME! Tommy: CiderZord Adam: Majormess Billy: Tribladdertops Aisha: Sabertoothed-Alley Cat Rocky: Trashosaurus SCENE VII: The rangers zip into the park scene while Goldar is skipping down the road leading PinHead and the Muddies. Goldar (singing): Here we go 'round the mulberry bush, the mulberry bush... HEY!! What are you doing here!?!? You're gonna ruin everything! Tommy: That's the point, you gold baboon! Goldar: HEY! No one, but no one calls me a baboon! Technically, my species is identified as the orangutan. All the rangers bust out in laughter. Goldar: HEY! What's so FUNNY!? Aisha: The fact that you'll have to pick up your face in a minute. PinHead: You'll have to answer to me! Billy: We'll take you all on, you disgusting puke! Goldar: You want some'a this!??! You want some'a this? Then let's do it!! Chaos errupts and everyone is getting tossed around like a salad. Goldar picks Tommy up and throws him on the ground and jumps on top of him; PinHead grabs Aisha and starts spinning her around and around by her hand and throws her away; A Muddy swings three punches in Billy's stomach, twists him around and jumps on his back; Rocky smacks Goldar in the mouth with his foot and rips some of his hair out and Goldar grabs Rocky by the helmet and slams his body up against the ground; Adam is thrown in a pond by a Muddy (you get the idea: undisciplined fighting). Tommy: This is going no where besides us ending up in an emergency room! Billy: What do we do? PinHead and Goldar split! Adam: Cowards! Come back here! Rocky: Well obviously THAT won't work. Adam: Well? Got any ideas? Tommy: Zordon, where did they go? Zordon (over communicator): The Junk Food Bar, although I don't know why they thought they would... Tommy: Thanks, that's all we need to know! C'mon gang, let's get him! They all run to the Junk Food Bar. SCENE VIII: At the Juice 'N Punch (out) saloon... William: So, weirdy-Kate, you've kinda got an unfair advantage. You know our names, but we don't know yours. Kimberly: You know, I'm starting to get the feeling that you guys don't like me much. Adam: Not really, but since things have been gettin' mighty boring around here, you kinda livened up our day. Kimberly: What are you TALKING about!?! You come from an ENTIRELY different time! You are all figments of an evil spell's imaginations! William: She's snappy too. Kimberly: I'm sorry. I just don't know how much longer I can contain my sanity! William: So, your name being? Kimberly: Uhhh... Ummm, well; I guess you can call me, uhh... Kimmy? Rocky: That's fine. I just hope I look good to you. Kimberly: Look, you never looked good in my dimention, and you don't look good now! Rocky: Fine, that's just nice. Just stomp on that little love that is my heart. Kimberly: Oh, get some testesgosterone. William: Well, I don't know where you came from, but you're creepin' me out. Kimberly: Listen, it's a really long story. You've got a lot to know. SCENE IX: At the Junk Food Bar... Goldar and PinHead with their muddies come running passed Ernie's counter. Ernie: FREEZE!! Goldar: What is it, you grossly ugly, overweight germ!? Ernie: Who do you think you are? And who are you? You can't just come strollin' passed here. Goldar: My name is Goldar Gold, and your name is gonna be Chop Suey if you don't let me in! Ernie: Be my guest! Goldar, Pinhead and Muddies start slipping and sliding and fall on their faces trying to get to the backroom hallway of the Junk Food Bar. PinHead: I always get the short end of the stick. I'm so frustrated that Fox canceled "Models Inc." Now I have to work with a bunch of losers. Goldar: Shut up!! Goldar, PinHead and the Muddies invade the time-vacuum. Back at the counter... As Ernie begins to leave the locker room of the Gym at the Youth Center, six Pathetic Rangers are running into the hallway. Ernie: Hold it! Hold it! Who are you? I don't let crayon-colored, spandex clad weirdos just come traipsing along in here. Let's see some passes. Aisha: Passes?! Passes!? We don't NEED no stinking passes! All the pathetic rangers lift their bladeblasters and target them after Ernie. Tommy lifts a BladeBlaster to Ernie's face. Tommy: Here's our passes. Now if you'll excuse me, we have to save the world. Ernie: Ohhhkay... Be my guest. Geez, I've gotta stop drinkin' that ionized grime. Tommy (to customer): Hey, have you seen an ugly, overgrown chimp running around with a demented cactus plant? Customer: He went thataway, sir. Tommy: Thanks. Adam: By the way, are you gonna finish that hamburger? Customer: Yeah. Adam: Just wondering. Tommy: C'mannnn!! Tommy and the others slip and slide up to the vacuum hole which just vanishes in the nick of time. Tommy: Oh no! We're too late!! Billy: Way to go, Adam! SCENE X: In the saloon... Kimberly: ...and that's my story. William: Pathetic Rangers? Sick love-hate relationships? Spandex? Private-exposure? Monsters? Scuse me, weirdy-missy; you wouldn't by any chance tryin' ta hornswaggle me, are ya? Kimberly: Excuse me? William: Hornswaggle? Kimberly: I'm sorry, I don't speak your language. William: Ly'ing. Kimberly: Would I lie to you? Six-Bullet Thomas: Sorry to say, but you are the strangest person I've ever met. You wouldn't be by any chance a witch? Kimberly: How dare you!? William: You are just too strange. I gotta go. Kimberly: Do what? William: I just gotta go. Kimberly: Why? William: I'm sorry, I was trying to be nice. ......... I don't want to talk to you anymore. Kimberly: Well that's pretty rude. William: Ugh!! William leaves. Rockwell: Are you sure you're not a prosti...AGHH!! Kimberly gets up and strangles Rockwell. Kimberly: If you say that word again, I swear I'm gonna break your cranium right off your neck! Rockwell: Yes, ma'am! Kimberly: Good! Everyone exits the old 19th century Juice 'N Punch Saloon out onto the sidewalk when all of a sudden two shadows appear around the corner one that looks like a bus tire on legs and one that looks like a rail. Appearing out of the shadows is Bulk and Skull holding two two-foot long elephant shotguns. Bulk: You better be scared. Abraham: What do you want from us?! Our underwear? If so, we've got plenty... Bulk: SHUT UP!! Abraham: Uhh, yyyess sir. Bulk: Fill these sacks of money, or the girl gets it! Bulk grabs Kimberly again. Kimberly: You're squeezing me too tight! Bulk: Oh sorry. Hey! Wait a minute! I'm supposed to be the evil villain, I'm not supposed to care that I'm squeezing you too tight. Now, as far as you chumps, if you don't want the girl to have a skull filled with led, you better gimme all this town's dough! Abraham brings out a slab of cookie dough. Abraham (shaking): Hhhheere, you go. Bulk knocks it aside. Bulk: Is this some kind of joke!? Forget it! You're all dead... Bulk pulls the safety off the gun and readies to shoot them when Aisha stops him. Aisha: Wait!! Bulk: What!?!? Aisha: Before you shoot us and fill our bodies with gun powder, there's something I think I want you to see. Bulk: This better be no trick! Aisha: Oh it ain't. William: Yeah, this is the 1800s, there is no such thing as bosom-enlargement. Six-Bullet Thomas: Oh would you shut up? From our point of view, we see the back of Aisha slowly pulling open her dress top when Bulk and Skull turn into statues and drop to the ground. Everyone: HOORAY!!!! William: Who knew that her honkers would save the town. Kimberly: Hey! I thought I was supposed to kick the gun out of his hands. I hate you, Aisha. Aisha: Deal with it. Suddenly, Goldar, PinHead and Muddies start running rampid around the town shooting and holloring while riding horses. Goldar: That's right! Get a move on! Beat it!! PinHead: You're all a big bunch of losers!! William: Well I'll be. She wasn't hornswagglin' me! Would you be my bride? Kimberly: Well, nahh. William: Alright. But I brought you a freebee dress--afterall, people've been starin' at you all day long. Kimberly: Thanks. I don't know what's going on! The townspeople begin running in fear as the mutants run rampid across the town. TO BE CONTINUED... (C) 1995 Artist Bros. Enterprises