Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Perils of Austin" an original MWPR creation by Ondre and Dairenn Lombard Starring Jason David Frank..............Tommy/White Ranger Amy Jo Johnson...............Kimberly/Pink Ranger David Yost......................Billy/Blue Ranger Steven Cardenas..................Rocky/Red Ranger Johnny Yong Bosch...............Adam/Black Ranger Karan Ashley..................Aisha/Yellow Ranger and Guy Incognito......................Austin Whitman Bob Manahan................................Zordon Richard Wood/Sandi Sellner................Alpha 5 AB Writers.............................Themselves SCENE I: Narrator: And now, a note to our Readers from Billy. Billy taps at the microphone on the empty stage and this loud squeak noise is heard. Billy: Ahem, you idiot directors really OUGHT to fix this thing! AB Writers: Just talk. Billy: This microphone has to be at least dinosaur-age. AB Writers: Billy: Okay! My name is Billy Geeves. But you'd probably already know that if you lazy, nacho scarfing, got-no-job loafing couch potatoes would've read the MWPR Frequently Asked Questions document. Anyway, I'm here to tell you a story. A special story... A long story... A... AB Writers: Cut to the chase already. Billy: All right!! All right!! Damn! Anyway, we've got a new friend, a special friend... a long friend... well, you catch my drift. I'm here so you newcomers won't go crazy when you notice we have a seventh Pathetic Ranger on our team. So, on with this story. I remember it almost as if were... a FLASHBACK! The screen blurry-dissolves to Aisha with an open black purse walking in the park. Billy (narrating): It all started when Aisha was just swiftly strolling in the park when she just dropped her morpher out in the park. Aisha is walking down the park, opens her purse and throws her morpher out and walks off when suddenly the screen is frozen. Aisha (narrating): Tell the story right, bozo!! Billy (narrating): Okay, okay. Here's how it really happened... Rocky dropped his morpher. Rocky (narrating): Nobody dropped their morpher, Billy! Billy (narrating): Ok, how about Adam? Adam (narrating): No! Billy (narrating): Rats. Anyway, this is how it really, truthfully happened... The screen blurry-dissolves to the Junk Food Bar and Kimberly is walking into the building with Tommy and they approach Billy, who's spread out on a table depressed. Kimberly: 'Scuse me, but there are other customers coming in and out. Billy: I had the worst day of school ever. Tommy: So, was it the dress code problem when you wouldn't wear any pants or a shirt? Or was it the fact that you were sleeping with girls in class? Billy: Neither! I got an F and on top of it, my teacher threw me out my biology class for using a PlayDude magazine as my rebuttal for the human body. Kimberly: The nerd has gone, in came Beefcake. Tommy: You sicken me, Billy. Suddenly, some weird guy with blonde, straight hair wearing glasses walks in the Junk Food Bar with a cheery grin on his face. Kimberly: Hey, who is that guy? Billy: Hmmm... I heard he came from Sacremento, California. Tommy: You mean not... Rock Bottom Canyon OR Angel Grave? AB Writers: The mind boggles. Billy: Hmm... You guys order a soda or something. I'm gonna check this guy out. Tommy: Be subtle, ok? Billy: Ok. This kid sits at a seat and Billy sits behind him. The teenager leans over to see Billy. Teen: Excuse me, but what are you doing? Billy: AAAAAGH!!! I ADMIT IT! I'M SPYING ON YOU!! I'M A LOW DOWN, FILTHY PIG! I'M A... Tommy runs up and puts his hand over Billy's mouth and carts him away. Tommy: Knock it off, you stupid jackass! Aaagh. Teen: What a yutz. Kimberly: Did you see that bag that that new kid put in his schoolbooks? I think it's drugs he smuggled from out of China. Billy: Hmmm... Rocky, Adam and Aisha walk into the Junk Food Bar. Rocky: Hey, what's the skiz? Tommy: Uh oh, he looks like you guys when you came here. Rocky: Talking about Austin? Oh yeah, he's that new kid. He's such a wimp though. I mean, he's beaten me at every karate tournmanet I've been in against him, but other than that he's a _real_ weenie. Tommy: Oh yeah, like you're one to talk. Adam: Nothing to be afraid of. Tommy: He comes from Sacremento! All: Aisha: Oh get off it, guys. Let's just talk to him. All six rangers approach Austin and Kimberly taps him on the shoulder. Austin: Can I help you? Kimberly: Yes, um... er uh... Billy: We were wondering where the bathroom was... Tommy: No! That's not it! Hi, I'm Tommy... uh, ahm, eh... Bartokomas. Kimberly: I'm Kimberly Kimby. Rocky: Rocky Rockwell. Aisha: Aisha Campbell. Billy: Billy and Adam. Austin: Nice meeting you all, but I really have to study. Tommy: NO WAIT! You must talk to us. Austin: Excuse me, but if you don't get away from me, I'll have to call the cops. Kimberly: Well, okay. All six rangers leave. Tommy: Well that was pointless. They're paged on their communicators. Billy: What, fish-face? Zordon: It's an emergency! Kimberly: What is it this time? Alpha use your PlayDude magazines to start an oven fire? Zordon: Well, yeah... but that's not the big emergency. Tommy: We're comin'. We're comin'. We're gonna have to check out this Austin dude later. The rangers move to the hall and teleport into the command center. SCENE II: In the command center... Billy: What goes on in this dump? Alpha: You are unauthorized to call this place a dump. Aisha: This place STINKS! What is that stench? Tommy: Probably eminating from that crack in the wall that's grown ten sizes and hasn't been cleaned in ages. Adam: You're a terrible housekeeper, Alpha. Alpha: Hey, I don't get paid to clean. I am not a maid. I am a fully function automa... automa... Adam conks Alpha on the head. Alpha: Thank you. Automaton. Zordon: Greetings, Pathetic Rangers. Billy: And a rub-a-dub-dub to you to, Zordon. Zordon: Pardon? Billy: Forget it. Zordon: During summer reruns, which has been forever, I was out on vacation at planet Knoware. It was expensive considering it is one of the farthest planets in the galaxy, and I was warned to leave before me, like all tyrannical power-mungers, would acquire dangerously high amounts of power. I stayed too long for the burlesque show and ended up getting too much energy. Billy: And? Zordon: And I'm going to blow up in 24 hours. All: Alpha: We have to have him get rid of this power. But it's nuclear. The last time I was cought dumping Zordon's waste in trees, I got arrested. Which means, we ACTUALLY have to use this energy. Zordon: Yes. There's enough to fuel a complete new Pathetic Ranger. Billy: Oh no! No No! Not again! Please! We don't need another ranger! Zordon: Then would you rather me explode? Billy: Yes. Zordon: Fat chance, asshole. Tommy: So who's the lucky jerk gonna be? My cousin? Rocky: Wouldn't work. He's gay. He'd be staring at our crotches during every fight--which is why being a Pathetic Ranger means you cannot be gay. Billy: Fred? All: Haahahahahahaha!!! Tommy: That's a good one. Adam: Tell ya what? We'll comb the town and let you know what we scrounge up. Zordon: Remember, 24 hours until nukes-ville. Tommy: Don't worry, we wont let you down. Alpha: Yeah right. Remember what happened to Zordon in the Movie? Billy: Uh huh. That means, we don't have to do anything for Zordon because he owes his life to us. Alpha: And you owe yours to me because without me, you wouldn't have your precious pinata powers. Now git! Zordon: Yeah, you go now. SCENE III: The guys are back in the Youth Center looking at Austin still studying while eating a rice cake. Aisha: What a loser. Eating a rice cake when it is neither a rice nor a cake. Adam: Shut up. Rocky: Yeah, we've been all over this town by trolly, bus, subway, train and car and have yet to find someone suitable and he is it. Adam: Why is that? Rocky: Because he's one of the two dozen people in this major city that isn't at least 150 pounds overweight. Aisha: What I don't understand is why didn't we go by car first. Rocky: Today is Thursday ride-share day and because Billy has allergies, I didn't want to hear about his ear, nose, eye medicine. Billy: Is it my fault I was born with faulty genes? Tommy: Shhh! He's getting up. O.k., here's the plan. Rocky, you go try and pick and fight with him to see how good he is. If he kicks you around good enough, I'll bag 'em and we'll take him to the command center. Rocky: So, in otherwords, I'm just a decoy to go over there and get my ass kicked. Tommy: Uh huh. Rocky: [Sigh...] Well, gotta pay my dues some time. Tommy: Rocky, we did a huddle and decided you were most expendable. Rocky: Thanks a lot, friends! All: Sure, no problem, anytime. Austin gets up and puts his books neatly into his backpack and as he is returning his note book. Rocky walks up from behind Austin and taps him on the shoulder. Austin: What!? Rocky: Hmmm... Oh yeah, right--your mama's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone. Austin: What in the hell are you doin'? Rocky: Hmmm, uh... Your hair is so thin, you could read fine-print through it. Austin: Hey, punk, what's the big idea? Rocky: What's your problem man?? You're ugly. Austin: Hey jerk, back off. We pan over to the guys hiding behind the wall. Aisha: Rocky sure is taking a while to get started. I'd think that with his horrid acne, he's be spitting teeth in no time. Billy: Don't worry. Any time now. Suddenly we hear the sound of Rocky going "Gugh!" in pain as we suddenly switch to him holding his crotch rolling off the Juice-Bar steps. Tommy: O.k., let's go. Aisha drags Rocky's body out of the scene as Adam tries to tornado kick at Austin who round-houses Adam in the gut causing him to fall down off the steps. Tommy hurricane kicks at Austin who ducks, stops Tommy's punch and socks him in the stomach and throws him on top of Adam. Austin: I've gotta get outta here!!! Austin runs out of the Juice Bar then returns to get his backpack then runs out again. Rocky gets up. Rocky: Man, that guy knows REAL Karate! Billy: Oh no! Aisha: What are we going to do? Tommy: We gotta keep goin' after him. ---------- Austin is seen running through the parking lot. Austin: I can't believe that this city has only ONE police department!!! Austin sees a sign that says, "AGPD next 45 Miles". Austin: Stupid city. Uh oh!! Austin suddenly sees Tommy, Rocky, Adam, Aisha and Billy running after him. Tommy: Stop! Rocky: Come back here! Aisha: We're not finished with you yet! Austin: The hell you are!! Ngh... Austin keeps running through the park. Austin: Damn, how big is this park anyway? Austin is running through a patch of tress when suddenly his falls down. Austin: Wauph!! Austin is seeing lying face down in a MegaZord foot print. Austin: What in, uh oh! Suddenly, Tommy, Rocky, Adam and Billy are seen somersaulting over each other then one-by-one landing on-top of Austin as we zoom in on his terrified expression. SCENE IV: Zordon: I wonder what is taking those kids so long? Alpha: Probably at the movies. Zordon: Seeing what!? Alpha: Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie. What a rip-off. Suddenly the rangers appear with a burrlap sack in the middle of the floor with appendages punching to get out as we hear the muffled sound of him demanding to be set free. Zordon: I don't look forward to knowing who's in there. Tommy: We got a pigeon! Tommy unties the burlap sack and lets Austin out. Austin: You people are crazy, man! You're nuts! I have half a mind not to call the funny farm on all you psychopathic weirdos! Tommy: You can't pull the wool over our eyes. Austin: What wool? I wanna get outta here! Kimberly: We know you've known we are. Austin: No I don't! And I'm not really interested. (Heaving breaths) HELP!!! SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!! Billy: No one can hear you scream. Austin: What do you want from me? I don't have very much money, but I'm willing to haggle! I really am just a transfer student from Sacremento. I don't mean any harm. I'm really just a tourist... PLEASE help me! Tommy: Man, would you knock it off already? Zordon: Greetings, strange and unimportant person, you. Austin: The pleasure's all yours, I'm supposing. Who, or rather, WHAT are you? And what happened to the rest of your body? Zordon: That is for me to know and you to guess. Austin: Well? Zordon: I am Zordon, an intergalactic being whose head was sawed off so that I can be preserved for eternity. Austin: Cryogenic freezing is always scary. Zordon: Hush! An evil force is lurking, and its name is Lord Bread and his horrid wife Rita Repulsive. And they're out to destroy the world. Austin: Funny, I didn't hear about that in Sacremento. Zordon: Here is a very major secret I am about to reveal to you, Austin Whitman. Austin: What's that? That you accidently mushed your brains in a can-opener? Zordon: No. Billy, Tommy, Kimberly, Rocky, Adam and Aisha are The Pathetic Rangers. Austin: And just who and what are they? Zordon: You don't read the news much, do you? Austin: Yeah, I've heard about them in the funny pages, but never anything on the front page. Not even on the sports page! Zordon: They are based in Angel Grave, where the evil Lord Bread and Rita plan to destroy it. Austin: And then what? Zordon: Hmmm... She'll, sing and they'll be happy. Austin: Who gives a crap if Angel Grave goes to hell? Why don't we all just move? Alpha: You are making this difficult. Austin: That's cause I don't wanna be here! Zordon: But you must. The reason I have had my former slaves kidnap you and violate your rights is because I have taken too long of a vacation in another, more powerful planet. I have overloaded with too much energy and if I don't release it, I shall go ballistic. Austin: And then what happens? The world lives on? Zordon: Shut up! Austin: Sorry, but this is all a little too bogus for me. And I can't see a thing, who took my glasses? Tommy: They're in the sack. Austin feels for the burlap sack and puts back on his glasses. Zordon: Did I forget to mention you have no choice? Austin: Oh, goodie for me. Now I have something to tell my psychiatrist about. Billy: It's actual pretty awesome. You get to run around in spandex wearing this awesome undergarmet. Austin: I HATE Spandex. And I wear boxers. Tommy: Not today. Zordon: Don't worry. You are frightened now, but this is like the Mickey Mouse Club. Why? 'Cause we like you! Austin: Well, okay. But just don't try this again, otherwise, I'll have to get a gun--which I don't want to do. Alpha: That wont do you any good anyway. Austin: Hmmm. Well, looney-toons, why don't you fill me in on this freak-fest? Billy: Well, here it is. We spend all day fighting Tango Warriors. Austin: Why? Aisha: Because the Muddies don't exist anymore. Austin: Who are the Muddies? Rocky: Clay-made solders to keep us busy? Austin: So... that... Adam: So we wont know about the monster. Austin: What monster!? Tommy: The monster Lord Bread and Rita make. Austin: Wait, who are they?!? Tommy: Um, well--Rita got let out of her prison, then Lord Bread returned so that he could take up where she left off, then she returned again, got married and decided to team-up. Austin: That sounds stupid. So what happens now? Aisha: Well, Goldar used to get grown real big then we called on our Zords to either get abused by him or destroy a new monster. Of course, I've never seen this because I came in after Goldar has been turned into a toe-licking slave. Austin: Wait, slow down. What is a Goldar? Alpha: Bread's lacky. Austin: Ah. Wait, what are Zords? Tommy: Large mechanical fighting machines that destroy monsters made of inanimate objects. Austin: INANIMATE OBJECTS? Who is this weenie? Zordon: It gets much worse. Austin: You mean more confusing. I mean, how do these monsters grow anyway? Rocky: It depends. Austin: ON WHAT!? Adam: Well... If it's Rita PRE-Bread, it would be her magic wand. If it's Lord Bread or Bread plus Rita, then it's the banana, bandana or baseball squeeze toy. Austin: That sounds even worse than the marriage. Why did they get married anyway? Wait, wait, wait!! I don't even wanna know. Zordon: But you must! For you are now a Pathetic Ranger! Austin (screaming): WHAT!!??!! Alpha: That's right, Joe. Austin: My name is Austin, you tin-can, and I _don't_ wanna be no stupid Pathetic Ranger, you got that? Alpha: No! Think of all the kiss-ups! Austin: Think of all the stupid things I've got to say. Tommy: Name one! Austin: "Let's go guys!" Or "You'll never win, this time!" Or "You'll never get away with this," or... Kimberly: Okay, okay--we get the picture. Austin: Hey, why aren't you saying anything anyway? Kimberly: Who me? Austin: Yeah. I mean, you're a sexy thing--don't they give you any lines on this show, or haven't you slept with enough producers? Kimberly: I don't don't sleep with... Well, anyway--that's none of your business and since I'm moving on, there's no point in contributing to any potentially self-binding, futuristically-obligitory statements like, "I'll be here forever," or something along those lines. Austin: Well that's a bitch, I was looking forward to nailin' your butt to the sheets. Billy: Hey! Tommy: She's taken! Billy: Yeah! Austin: Nevermind. So, anyway, back to this circus. So what do I do? Zordon: You'll pick up the rest of this along the way. Austin: Like?? Alpha: Weapons, pitfalls, new foes, unexpected expectations. Austin: Hang on a sec, ``unexpected expectations''. What is that? Did I miss something in the fine print? Zordon: No. Because we are not bound by a neutral, just and legal system, we do not require contracts. Austin: Oh crap. Zordon: Meaning, you can't sue us if you find yourself in your Zord on another planet trapped, hanging between a sulpheric acid vat and ten man eating monsters, you can't sue us because technically we are not liable to damages. Austin: To the point of death!?!? Billy: Way to scare him off Zordon. Alpha: ANNYway. Here are the powers. You shall take on the power of the RhinoZord. Austin: Oh this is rich. Austin is suddenly covered in purple spandex costume that looks like the regular rangers with a purple helmet and black visor with Rhino horns on the face. Tommy: Doesn't anyone want to look like me? Billy: NO! Austin: Excuse me, I don't mean to complain even though I have only known you people for ten minutes, yet I hate your guts beyond my worst nightmares, this suit is a little on the tight side. Especially my crotch. It hurts! And this undergarment is very painful, it's cutting off my circulation and everything is seen! Ngh... Austin covers his HUGE bulge in his crotch. Rocky: Great. We lucked up with a guy with an incredible libido. Austin: What a disgusting reference. Aisha: You should see his medicine cabnet. Zordon: Well, that's all for now. Seeya later. Austin: Wait a second, what happens now?? You're not going to explode, right? Zordon: Nope. Austin: Can't I quit? Zordon: Nuh uh. Austin: WHY NOT!? Zordon: Well, you have have one of three conditions: A. You have poor self-esteem and the confidence in yourself must rank somewhere between sewage run off and land-fill innerts. B. You have to be losing your powers. Tommy: I hate that one. Kimberly: No one asked you to talk, Tommy. Zordon: ...and finally: C. Your agent must be stupid enough to ask Shuki Levy for too much money and wind up being sent to another event in Switzerland involving the mass production of clod dancing shoes. Rocky: That's what happened to the original guys. Austin: What original guys? Rocky: Well, see, I'm Red Ranger now but that used to be Jason. Zack was replaced by Adam and Aisha was replaced by Trini. Austin: Ah I see. Zordon: In any event, I have full permission to beep you twenty four ours of the day or night, except, in the event, you remove your communicator in which case I will try a telepathic link so that no matter what you are doing, you will always be on stand-by ready to service me. Austin: And what happens if I should so happen to ignore your little calling? Zordon: My voice will only get louder. Alpha: Wait a second, that almost never works, Zordon. We tried that in "The Television of Nightmares" and your voice was so distorted, nobody understood a word you said. Zordon: Well that's because some goof in the sound booth turned up the stereo and you fed me that liquid peanut butter. Austin: Wait, they don't make that! Alpha: It's the oil run off you get fro a freshly un-opened pack. Austin: EW! Well, as hideous as this is--it looks charming. I'll see what I can do if I'm ever needed. But right now, I have to go to the doctor and get a prescription to some heavy dosages of pills. Rocky: What do you need that for? Austin: I don't know, but I know one this is for sure. No man has probabaly ever come away from from this experience without never being the same again. Alpha: Aren't you forgetting the speech, Zordon? Zordon: Oh, right. Let me just cut right through the balony. Don't let anyone know you're a Pathetic Ranger. Austin: Gotcha, and besides--if anyone did know, I'd probably end up having to run from all my classmates because chances are, they will be trying to corner me in the hallway trying to weild a knife into my spleen. Alpha: Why would they do that? Austin: I don't know. There seems to be a certain element of cheese to all this. Zordon: Just get out of here before I tell you what else you have to do. Austin: Right right, seeya later. THE END (C) 1995 Artist Bros. Enterprises