Introducing T.J. Roberts as Pez/"Masked Whiner" Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "A Friend Knee-Deep in Pig Poop, Part I" Parody of, "A Friend in Need, Part I" SCENE I: From outer space, we see a spinning globe in front of a picture of a flat star field which looks a lot like the Cheese Planet in the Ritz Bits commercial. On the surface, we see a scattered group of workers in robes wearing gas-masks digging for no apparent purpose in a red-tinted sandy landscape. Suddenly, a goat-headed cowpolk rides up the side of the sand hill on a horse. Robed Gas-Masked Digger: Look, guys, it's another one of Maggot's goons. Boy I'd like to rip his scrote off. Goon: Hahaha! As I am about to clue in our readers on the plot, those fools don't realize that their digging up the surface is only speeding up the process of their world's destruction! AB Writer: How's that? Goon: Well, they'll keep digging and digging until there isn't anymore land. AB Writer: But what about the stuff they dig up? Goon: Hmmm... OH NO! Now we have to re-think the PLAN!!! AB Writer: Hahaha, just messin' with yer head. It's the gas that's going to wreck the planet. Go ahead. Goon: That was my only line! Robed Digger #2: Don't worry, you'll get your chance someday, Pez. Here, just in case you ever get close enough... Pez: Pliers?? SCENE II: In the Command Center, Alpha is seen sitting on the steps facing the Command Center clicking. Alpha: Oh... Cable just doesn't do it for me anymore. Showtime really ought to order more episodes of "Black Shoes Diaries." Zordon (at twice the normal speed): Alpha, what is troubling you so? How can I be of any help if you will not tell me what the problem is? Alpha: Besides the fact that some goof mixed your voice wrong, there is nothing anybody can do about this situation. As it were, the show is going out of production! Zordon: No!! I mean why you're depressed! Alpha: Oh, that! Well, while I was on the AB Radio, I heard a distress signal from the Scrapum Robotronics factory on the planet Eatalot. Zordon: You mean that wasteland that only got business in the Milky Way by cranking out cheesy robots? Alpha: You wanna run that fresh line by me, once more, wiseguy? Zordon: Uh... Not to say YOU'RE cheesy, Alpha! Heh-heh, heh... Heh... [Pause] Please have mercy on me. Alpha: Relax, baldy, I'll only work the blackmail schemes I've got cooked up for you when it counts. In the meantime, watching you sweat is very entertaining. Zordon: Hey, I've got an idea. How's about you go back to being my slave and everything can go back to the way it used to be before that whole ugly movie incident? Alpha: Oh no, fat-boy, you're not worming your way outta this one. After the way you talked to me in the second season? No way... Not this year; this year, you belong to me. Zordon: Very well, but what had you under the impression this was a distress signal? Alpha: I don't know, it was just the blaring sound of all the workers going something like, "Oh my god, please save us now, help us, please, oh god save us--you've gotta help us, please..." Zordon: Hmmm. That definately would be a distress signal all right. No wonder you're so concerned over this, I do seem to recall during the long hours you pining away over missing that vast wasteland. Alpha: You're just getting sentimental so that I wont pull strings to have you transfered to another planet now that I'm a big wheel down at the Good Guys convention in Houston. Zordon: Huh? Heh-heh, what do you mean, Alpha? I am just genuinely concerned over you heritage! Alpha: Yeah right, then why is it that you were constantly trying to find reasons to go visit Neptune? Zordon: I had realitives back east and it was an emergency? Alpha: A likely story. Ahhh, so many memories... Alpha begins daydreaming about his life on Planet Eatalot... Alpha: Oh, Alphena; you're so beautiful. Alphena: Aw, thanks, Alpha. Alpha: I wanna marry you! Alphena: Okay. Alpha and Alphena clank their bucket-heads together and kiss? Back to the command center... Alpha: Ahhhhh... Anyway, the bad news is that I didn't hear the high pitched shrill of the guy who assembled me by the name of Lexus when I heard them screaming for their lives. I sent in a query for his name on the list but when I got the fax back, his name wasn't on the list. And the world is under heavy attack. Zordon: Eatalot is ten skillion lightyears away and it's about the size of a raisin. All we can do is continue to listen in on the station and hope they'll be smart enough to use the Emergency Broadcast Signal in an actual emergency. Alpha: Oh Zordon, I just know that deep in my circuts that something is terribly wrong. Zordon: Save it for the sequel. SCENE III: In outer space, a really old shot of a skeletal, arachnid-like space craft is seen floating in space. In a dark room on board, two doors open as an annoyingly small voice announces. Annoying Voice: All rise for the king of evil is on the Bridge, Count Maggot. All the bridge crew stands up. Annoying Voice: Sit down. All the bridge crew sits down. Annoying Voice: Stand up. All the bridge crew stands up. Annoying Voice: Sit down. All the bridge crew sits down. Annoying Voice: Stand up. All the bridge crew stands up. Annoying Voice: Sit down, stand up, sit down, stand up, sit down, stand up... Maggot: That's enough, you idiot!! Maggot, a golden robotic like humanoid with a cape walks around on the bridge. Maggot: Number one, report. Number One (Ringo Starr's Voice): Everything is going according to plan. Sukup: Your brilliant plan! Number One: And quite a plan it is. Maggot: That is enough! SCENE IV: At the youth center, Aisha is on the Juice Phone (for Office use only). Aisha: Hi, Kimberly; how are you doing? ---------- Kimberly is seen in bed with an ice-pack over her head, a thermometer in her mouth, a tissue in her hand under her nose, her hair messed up, her nose is red with no makeup. Kimberly (stuffed nose): Oh I'm peachy, Aisha. I'm coughing up things that look like hors d'oeuvres in the sink twenty times an hour, blowing my nose off, and coughing my lungs up. How are things happening outside my four walls? Oh hang on... ---------- Aisha hears the sound of Kimberly sucking something up through her nose. ---------- Kimberly removes the thermometer from her mouth and looks at the mercury. Kimberly: A hundred and thirty nine? That can't be right? Aisha (on the other end): Hello? Kimberly: Yeah, I'm here. Listen, I gotta go--see, I'm told that if I think positively, I'll get better faster and your voice is beginning to make me think about the grim reaper so... Aisha: Gotcha, seeya. Kimberly: Bye. Kimberly puts the phone down and grabs her Orange Juice. She sneezes when suddenly the phone rings. Kimberly: Oh man... Kimberly picks up the phone. Kimberly (stuffed nose): [Sniff] Hello? Bulk (fake French accent over the phone): Hello beby, I just called to see how you were doing this morning? Kimberly: Excuse me? Bulk: It's your lover bird, here to swoop down on you and steal a kiss. Threw the receiver, Kimberly hears the sound of a loud lip-pucker. Kimberly: Who is this?? Bulk: It's your hunka, hunka... Skull (loud, obviously revealing voice): ...burnin' love, baby!! Kimberly: Bulk. Skull! Quit playing on the phone. Bulk: So, babe... Kimberly: Shut up. If you ever, EVER call me up again, there will be trouble, mister. You will be in so much trouble with the phone and FBI authorities, you'll wish you never looked me up in the phone book. GOT THAT?? Bulk: But baby... Kimberly slams the phone down. Kimberly: Ugh... I don't need this. The phone rings again. Kimberly: I already told you to buzz off, okay, Buster? I am not interested in talking to you, no one wants to talk to you, and I am not in the mood for your disgusting shennanigans! So you can just drop dead! Huh? Oh, hi Trini. How's Germany? ---------- Ernie walks up to the bar. Aisha: Uh oh. Aisha puts the phone back behind the counter. Ernie: Hey, were you using my phone to call Alaska again? I keep telling you, "No more long distance calls." Aisha: I was just calling Kimberly to see if she was doing okay. Ernie: Well we have pay phones, Aisha--use them, next time, huh? Ernie walks away frowning. Aisha: Well geez, what crawled into his underpants and died. Aisha turns around to walk up to Adam who is busy studying a noticably large book while Rocky his getting thrown into the ground by Tommy in the background. Adam: How's Kim? Aisha: Stomach flu. Apparently, those purges have been having a horrible effect on her digestion system. Adam: Oh, thank goodness is wasn't the week old meat I put into her sandwich during that picnic yesterday. Aisha: Adam, are you cracked? What possessed you to feed Kimberly old meat? Adam: It was frozen? Tommy roundhouses over Rocky who ducks, Rocky roundhouses over Tommy gets caught by Tommy and tossed into the ground again spinning out towards the wall. Tommy: Hehehe, you're so feather light. I'm throwin' you around like a garbage bag. Rocky: Just remember, pretty boy, if it weren't for the fact that the casting director hadn't taken the first one who auditioned for this job, you would've been dealing with a much tougher-skinned Rambo-type with actual skill, so you just better be glad. Austin walks into the Junk Food Bar. Austin: Hey guys. So, where is this supposed hot chic you guys say you're so famous for? Tommy: Well? Austin: She doesn't exist, does she? You just made her up to dupe me into this little checker game of yours. Aisha: Give us a break, Austin. She's sick in bed. Austin: Uh huh. Yeah right. Well, I have to go study now. Have fun, knuckleheads. Adam: We'll grow used to him. Billy suddenly walks into the room with a tank top on, baggy ripped jeans and an earring with a bandana. AB Writer: Young nerd's role model. [Grin] Adam: Yikes, Billy; what did you go and do? Join a gang? Billy: In a recent poll taken, I've slipped in popularity among women compared to you so I wanted to win back the hearts of women who can't see beyond arm muscles, butts and crotch-pouch size so I decided to beef up my ever increasing de-nerdification transformation. Adam: Hey, I can whip that anytime! Watch this. Hmmm, I know... [In a whimpy, pouting tone with big eyes]. I have too much homework. Ernie: Billy, phone call... Billy takes the phone. Survey Lady: An instant survey poll shows that Adam just leaped in popularity. Now, Aisha is higher than you. Billy: D'OH! Billy slams down the phone. Billy: Listen, Adam, the only reason that you are so sexy in female's eyes is because you paid off everyone who saw that "I'm a Frog" line! You have no talent, you fraud! Adam: But I have more girls wanting me in bed than Brad Pitt. And I did not pay them off. I just sent chocolates and new cars to everyone who watched the show. Billy: No wonder Saban's been losing money off that cruddy movie. Rocky: So, what does Iron-Bill have for us today? Billy: Well, floor-buffing material, in my spare time, I just made a computer chip for technology totally and completely beyond earth by thousands of years enabling a CD-like sound to communicators (though they will sound exactly as they always have before). While I was testing it out by reading Alpha the alphabet (he insisted), he seemed a bit, um, upset. Tommy: How could you tell? Billy: Well, his whaling away into the communicators giving me a ringing in the ears to even this moment was a clue. Aisha: Maybe we ought to go over the Command Center and see what his problem is? Tommy: Okay, but if he starts that Aye, yi, yi business up again, I'm gone. The guys leave out the door. SCENE V: A picture of the insect like space ship starts firing upon Eatalot. ---------- Lord Bread's castle is seen with his red eye beam pointing up into space. Lord Bread: Oh no! Of all the luck... Rita: What is the matter with you now? Lord Bread is seen staring into blank outer space. Rita: Hello in there? Hey, Bread--I'm going to call the crazy house in a minute here... The rangers, if you didn't know, are still on Earth. Lord Bread: Those Rangers don't bother me right now. There is this other guy that's buggin' me. Rita: Is he your lord and master here to come and strip you of your powers, compress you into the size of an figurine to be put inside of a toilet tank and flush you through universe bound to sing "99 Bottles of Pop on the Wall" for eternity until your toilet hits the sun? Lord Bread: No, this is just a tasteless cameo to intro another pathetic Saban action show. Maggot has come back to show me up again by blowing up this planet out in another part of the galaxy. Rita: So what? That just means he's doing your job that you left when you came here to do mine. I like him. Lord Bread: How can you say you like him? You've never even SEEN him! And I hate him. I hate him even more than I hate the Pathetic Rangers. Rita: Why? What did he ever do to you? Lord Bread: For as long as I can remember, that Maggot has been trying to one-up me. Rita: Ugh... Who cares. Lord Bread: I do, you crazy woman! This prick has the nutty idea that he is more evil than me. The nerve, he can't even destroy one little planet. [Looking at Earth.] Rita: Neither have you. Lord Bread: That's different, at least he doesn't have to deal with a bunch of sarcastic teenagers who CHEAT their way out of fighting. Rita: Hey, take a chill-pill, babe... Lord Bread: You can call me anything you like, but "babe" is out of the question. Rita: Okay, binky. Lord Bread: Ngh!!! Rita: ...Finster is right now in the process of making a new monster to trash Angel Grave as we speak! The Pathetic Rangers don't stand a chance against this monster! Lord Bread: As though this one is special because this is the season premiere. Tell me, Rita; Finster's monsters don't exactly have a history of winning many battles against the rangers, do they? Rita: Uhhh... I think once... Oh, ok. So they ain't won crap! Sue me! Lord Bread: Then why in the world do you think his hack work is going to work this time? I'm surprised his empty-headed monsters can pat their heads and rub their belly all at the same time. Rita: I don't even think you could do that! Lord Bread: Watch... Lord Bread gets up and starts rubbing his belly and patting his head when suddenly he stops. Lord Bread: What am I doin'!! Rita: Hehe. Anyway, your monsters aren't exactly brilliance either. At least my plans have come close to defeating the Rangers. Trust me, Bread! This time, we have them! Lord Bread: Can't I at least know what he's doing? Rita: Uhh..... Lord Bread: You don't know do you? Rita: Uh, hehehe, of course I do! Lord Bread: Well then, what is the monster? Rita: Uh. Bah. Lord Bread: Huh? Rita: Mah. Lord Bread: Run that by me again? Rita: Gah. Lord Bread: THOSE AREN'T EVEN WORDS! Rita: Fah. SCENE VI: Billy is reading a print-out from the Command Center computer. Billy: According to the print out, the planet Eatalot is... Uh oh. Adam: What? Billy: The Command Center printer is out of ink! Adam: Oh great! Alpha: Oh now we'll never know whats going on down there! Rocky: Maybe that should clue us in. We see a picture of huge holes getting blown into the surface of the planet from outer space by the insect-like space ship firing into it inside the viewing globe. Billy: D'oh! Zordon: Contact Austin. Alpha: Eh eh eh... You forgot to say something, Zordon. Zordon: Contact Austin--master. Alpha: Much better. Austin teleports into the command center. Austin: Hello, loco folks. Billy: Hello. Guess what, we got a problem. Austin: My lucky day. Billy: Well, this monster named Count Maggot is trying to blow up this planet named Eatalot where Alpha was created, courtesy Scrapum Robotronics. AUSTIN, PAY ATTENTION! Austin: Sorry. Billy: We've gotta get to this distant planet. Austin: What if we don't? Billy: Then Alpha will be sad for the rest of the episode. Austin: Oh my god. Then we better hurry before the world stops spinning. Tommy: How far away is this planet anyway, Zordon? Zordon (increasing speed and raising tone): Eatalot is nine skillion, eight hundred quintillion, thirty-nine trillion, four-hundred billion, twenty million, four hundred thousand and two lightyears from earth way up in the Southern most corner of the galaxy in a star constellation called Ditch. Adam: Ditch? Zordon: Yes; this planet is beyond our reach. Rocky: Who inhabits this place? Zordon (chipmunk sound): They are called Hehoo-Eatalots. They are conveniently a gentle race of people but they aren't too bright and that is how they wound up enslaved. Zordon's voice becomes increasingly raised until he sounds like a fast-forwarding tape as his floating face image is speeding up as the film starts jerking and rolling off the sides as "PLEASE STAND BY" appears on the screen when Zordon reappears. Tommy: Are you going to be okay?? Zordon (tape jerks back online): No problem. Alpha: Lexus decided to set up a factory on the planet and build me. He is like a father to me. Billy: Or your Geppetto. Aisha pulls on Billy's earring. Billy: Ow, ow, ow, ow! Austin, can I borrow your glasses temporarily for protection? Austin: Need I remind you, I can't SEE without them!! Bungling boob. Aisha: Well, what can we do this time? Zordon: In your obvious search to gain extra credit as a Ranger, I'm afraid there isn't much you can do because at such a ridiculous distance this planet is located, you might not have full control over your own powers. Rocky: Meaning? Zordon: Meaning, oh, I don't know, as, say, a sheerly _random_ example, your suits could automatacally unzip and fall to the floor, your helmet could fall off, you could kick someone and your boot would fly off, you could use your bladeblaster and it would explode in your hands like a cherry bomb, your undergarmet could hug too tight, squeezing your genitalia... Rocky: O.k., we get the picture. Tommy: Well, let's go. We didn't dump big bucks into that movie all about our courage just to wimp out on this. Alpha: Oh, aye, yi, yi! Would you really do that for me, Rangers? Tommy: Yes, IF you don't say Aye, Yi, Yi again. Zordon: I don't think this is a good idea, but unfortunately, this is the only way to pull off this hair-brained idea of the writers. Billy: Yeah, it seems as though Shell Danielson loves to pop that fuzzy, purple pill before writing these episodes. AB Director: So that would explain all these wierd random captializations on the script! A sAmplE liNe oN tHe scRIPt sHowS LetTers aND WorDs wrItTen lIKe thIS. Billy: Oye! Zordon: Remember, my insurance cards don't cover battles outside a five lightyear radius of this planet. If you get screwed up, that's your problem so DON'T get involved in any of their conflicts. Billy: As if I already didn't know the answer to this question, will my new chip I installed into communicator I/O circuts here help communications between us and you? Zordon: Yes. The new technology will make that possible; good work, Billy. Rocky (looks snobbishly over to the Camera on his left): Convenient, isn't it? Rocky returns to looking back up at Zordon. Adam: Good, that means we can teleport back when we're needed. Billy: Before we split, can you call Kim and tell her that we're going to be traveling thousands of billions of lightyears from our solar system? Alpha: Yeah, yeah; I'll take care of that during network identification. Zordon: Okay, rangers, prepare to Morph. Alpha: Oh, be VERY, VERY Careful, Rangers! I would never forgive myself if anything ever happened to you. Billy: Don't worry, Alpha, we won't either. Austin: Joy. My first day on the job and I'm already traveling to distant planets in the middle of no where. Aisha: You complain too much. Austin: I'm sorry. Let's do this thing. Tommy: It's Morphin time! Austin: Rhinocerus Tommy: CiderZord Adam: Majormess Billy: Tribladdertops Aisha: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Rocky: Trashosaurus SCENE VII: Tommy: Okay, guys, this is the big one. What's that? [Squinting to see cue cards] What is this? That's TERRIBLE! The big one was with Booze! ---------- Alpha: Nevermind that, just get your butts in gear. Zordon: Tommy, be prepared for anything and everything upon your arrival. Tommy: Okay, but... Zordon: The coordinates will teleport you to the very worst part of the planet. Tommy: But I thought you said... Zordon: ...the very bowels of the surface. Alpha (talking over Zordon): It is a recorded message. ---------- Zordon: Blast off, Alpha. Alpha: Zapping now. ---------- Tommy: Let's go! All: Pathetic Rang... The five are teleported away immediately. ---------- Alpha: Thank you, Zordon! Zordon: Good greif. Anymore sentimental and you'll rot the readers' teeth. ---------- The Rangers are seen beaming through outer space. SCENE VIII: Lord Bread is still spying into space. Lord Bread: Huh!? Where are they? Rita: Where are those Rangers? Lord Bread: I don't know! They just seemed to have fell off the face of the planet. Meanwhile, Kimberly is stuck in bed with some human illness. Rita: Oh, and I was looking forward to making fun of her small bust. Goldar: A perfect time to set lose this half-baked scheme of Finster's. Rita: What a terrific idea, you plagiarist! Now why didn't I think of that? Lord Bread: And who said you could speak, Goldy? Goldar: Hey, I'm trying to earn myself some money by speaking at least once this episode. Rita: Are you serious? Minimum wage earners get more than you do. Lord Bread: We must strike before Maggot gets sets his sites on Earth. Are you sure Finster's monsters can deliver? I can't seem to remember much anything before the wedding besides my name and my foot size. Come to think of it, I can't seem to recall that either! Oh well, it'll come back to me. Rita: Finster is my most trusted assistant, he is never failed me! Goldar taps Rita on the shoulder and Rita goes down to talk with him. Goldar: Of course, you realize, you are lying through your teeth. Rita: Hey, he won't know. Rita walks back up to Lord bread. Rita: Anyway, we'll not fail this time. Together, you and I are unbeatable! Goldar: Yes! Unbeatable! Rita: I didn't mean, you, Goldilocks! Goldar: Oh no, not again!! No... Goldar changes into a pink dress, lashes, a bonnet and a wig with gold curly locks. Goldar: You don't love me anymore, Rita. How could you do this to me? Is there another monkey in your life? Rita: No, I... Goldar: You're so cruel. You don't care about anyone else besides yourself. When's the last time you made me grow to combat the rangers?? HUH?? [Weep, Weep] It's just not fair! Rita: What the hell are you talkin' about? Goldar: I'll be in my painroon weaping as usual. Goldar walks off. Lord Bread: Honestly, I don't know why they renewed his contract. ---------- We take a pan of Finster's rack of claymations. Finster: Hmmm... Maybe I'll make a new claymated TV show about a bunch of Idaho Potatoes. Their theme song should be "I Heard it Through the Gossiping Heresay Banterer." Rita stomps into Finster's room in an obvious clip from "ZyuStooges" as Rita's face is not shown. Rita: FINSTER!! I don't smell monsters being made! I smell a lazy, couch potato bum who's just sitting around, warming his fanny! Finster: You smell monsters? I sure hope to god they don't start getting edible. Rita: Talk to me, Finster; what's the deal? Finster: We'll do lunch later, babe. Rita: Don't you start with that! Finster: Well well well, look who comes crawling back? Rita. [Increasingly angry voice] You decide NOW you want my monster making services after I've been spending the past 47 episodes baking loafs of bread and pastries that are stale and green now with beards growing on them that no one has EVER eaten! I'm okay now. I had my moment. Rita: I choose to ignore what you just said. Where's my monster? Lord Bread is on my ASS wondering where the so-called promise-land monster is that is going to be the first one to actually pull this job off right in one fail-safe swoop. So... Where's my monster!?! Finster: Where's my monster, it's always ``Where's my Monster?'' ``Where's my Monster?'' ``Where's my Monster?'' Rita (Finster saying it over and over again with her): Where's my monster? Where's my monster? Where's my... Finster: monster? Where's my monster! [Gasp] HERE'S your monster, you ungrateful bitch! Rita: [Gasp!] What did you say? Finster: Uh, you gratuitous witch? Rita: Uhhh!! We dissolve to Finster tied up like a pretzel hanging by a hanger-pole. Finster: Oww... Rita: Punishment should always fit the crime. Rita takes Finster down. Rita: Now, where's your delightful monster? Finster: Just a little longer. These things aren't like pizzas... Come to think of it, they are. Rita: Well? What are you waitin' for? Get that puppy a'cookin' and get rolling! Finster: What's with all this trendy language, my queen? Rita: I do not have to explain that, boob! Now do as I say. Chow, babe. Finster: Uh, yeah. Rita: With the rangers out of sight; nothing can stop us now. And just remember... [Demonically abnormal voice] I won't let you screw up again, Finster! Finster (terrified voice): Yes, my queen. SCENE IX: The Rangers, seen as crayon markings on the film, are teleporting through outer space when they finally come upon the Cheese-Ball like planet in space. Suddenly, we pan across the planet's surface and stop at one blank area then pan upwards to see the rangers come out of the teleportation state and return to their costumed selves high up above the ground stuck in mid-air. Austin: Is it just be or should we be landing on the ground and not in mid-air? Rocky: Pretty soon we'll be on the ground all right. The Rangers fall out of the air and hit the ground. All: GUGH!! They slowly get up again pulling themselves together when Billy is paged. Billy: Oh, ow... Yeah? Alpha: Sorry about that, Rangers. The teleporter has a limit of about 99 Gillion miles. Adam: So!? Alpha: You were at 99.01 Gillion Miles, too far... Austin: So we were just dropped out of the air? Alpha: Uh oh... Your signal is breaking up... ---------- We see Alpha in the Command Center playing with the dials producing artifical static. Alpha: Oh no, it looks like we're going to have to cut it short, Rangers. Good luck! Alpha switches off communications. ---------- Aisha: Yeah, but we don't know what to... The communicator beeps indicating the connection has been closed. Billy: It was probably the tremendous distance between us that closed the line. Austin: Yeah right. You believe anything Alpha feeds you. Billy: I choose to believe Alpha actually likes us. Tommy: Anyway, we've got work to do. Suddenly, there is a great explosion as if something fired at the planet. Rocky: Man, someone upstairs is using some heavy-duty fire power! Austin: Let's get outta here!! Adam: Wait a minute! We have a mission, remember? Austin: Can't we hide? Aisha: There's nothing down here but rocks. We more stock shots of the ship firing upon the planet as the same piece of boulder is blown up. Billy: Let's get outta here!! Adam: Which way do we go? Billy: According to my calculations of the geographic specifcation of the planet's surface, I estimate our destination should be... Billy puts his hand over his helmet's eye piece again and points in a random direction. Billy: ...there. Austin: You geek, that's towards the explosions!! Tommy: Try again, nerd-linger. Billy: O.k., there! Aisha: I don't care, let's just move! Austin: Oh, what did I ever do to deserve this?? Adam: Hey, it stopped. Rocky: This is starting to not make any sense anymore. Billy: Does it ever? The rangers high-tail it outta there. Tommy: This place is more barron than a third-world country. We've gotta find some cover and fast before noodles up there decides to go fire happy on those laser-packs. Aisha: What I want to know who is doing this and why? Billy: Don't worry, we have another part to go through before we discover that. Rocky: Where ever they are, they certainly are close. Tommy: Hey, where are those Hehoo-Eatalots anyway? The rangers move to a rock and starts seeing Hehoo-Eatalots doing something odd. Aisha: Oh my god... Austin: That's disgusting!! Aisha: What in the world are they doing!? Billy: I don't know but I'm pretty sure we shouldn't be watching this. Adam: Hey, it looks like this guy with a tiny leg in between his other two longer legs keeps trying to push it into this other person's... Rocky pulls Adam's head back away from the rock. Rocky: Uh... I think we should keep searching... Billy: Yeah, we shouldn't be seeing this. Tommy (stalling): Yep, we really shouldn't be watching this. Rocky: Nope. Not at all. Austin: Hey, you perverts, let's get outta here before those guys see us!! Aisha: Wait a second... The camera pans away from the make-out scene to another group of gas-masked robed people digging up more land. Tommy: Pst... Rocky, Adam--come on... Rocky: Just another second, guys... Adam: Yeah, I think she's gonna take off her; oh my god... Billy: She's huge!! Austin: Move or lose it, fiends. Rocky: Oh man... Tommy: Come on, Rocky, you act as though you've never seen those before in your life. You have, haven't you? Rocky: Not real... uhh, yeah--I have. Billy: Hey, guys--show's over! Let's go. Rocky and Adam run over to the other rock where Aisha, Austin, Tommy and Billy are. Aisha: Are you through? Rocky and Adam nod their heads. Austin: Well good. You sick people. Rocky: What are they doing? Adam: That one guy looks like a goat. Billy: Shhh! I'm trying to listen... ---------- White-Hared Gas-Masked Robbed Digger: I wonder where Pez went off to? ---------- Billy: All I can hear is some guy named Pez went off somewhere. Tommy: To do what? Billy: Who knows and who cares. According to the data back at the Command Center, this planet is loaded with posiones gasses below the planet's surface that if released will destroy the ozone layer and cause the planet to burn up in space. Aisha: Sounds horrible. Austin: Then what the hell are we here for? Their fate is sealed and I don't want to be trapped within their doom so let's roll. Rocky: Not so fast, once again, I have to remind you we have a mission. Austin: That robot owes us big! Suddenly, a hand touches Rocky on the shoulder. Rocky: Please tell me that's our network exec. Billy: Uh oh... Suddenly, four robed, gas-mask wearing Hehoo-Eatalots jump into the air cracking their knuckles. While this is happening, dead-pan music is playing for their introduction, stopping when all of them arrive in front of the Rangers. Reader: That sucked! Aaron Lake: Hey, they wanted low-key, so that's what they get. Tommy: [Gasp!] Pez: Intruders! We don't like intruders. And do you know what we do to intruders? Aisha: Invite them for a barbecue? Pez: What do you think? Tommy: Carve their bones out and use them as drumsticks? Pez: Basically. Now tell us what the hell you're doing here before I beat yer asses until they're swollen. Tommy: Wait! Before you call your lap-dogs on us, we just wanna say, we mean you no harm. We've come to your planet in peace. Pez: You can't pull the wool over my eyes. You work for that retchit Maggot! Aisha: Who? Billy: Don't you remember what Alpha said? Austin: I really don't mean any harm. I was tricked into this. Pez: Shut up. Austin: Uh, yes sir. Pez: For years I've wanted to give him a piece of my mind, and now that's just what you're gonna get! Billy: Aw come on! We weren't lookin' at yer lovin'! We were just... Pez: [Gasp!] It's conveniently an attack upon our race to watch us mating. Austin: This is my lucky day. Oh no, I would much rather have my neck on the line than to oh, say, win the lottery, become rich and famous, have sex with Claudia Schiffer... Tommy: Austin--muzzle it. Pez: Are you prepared to fight you insignificant tablespoons of phlegm? Tommy: Hey hey hey hey! That looks sharp! Billy: Wait, we came because we got a report talking a distress call from Scrapum Robotronics! Pez: A likely story. So I see, trying to use the ol' sympathy gag. I've seen it too many times before to fall for it this time! Tommy: Oh yeah? When's the last time anyone's tried it? Pez: Once. Billy: When was that? Pez: Just now. Rocky: Wait a minute, you're just lookin' for a reason to beat us up? Pez: Who says I need a reason?f Aisha: Can't we talk? Aisha puts her hands out towards the robed goons in peace. Pez: It is also considered an attack to hold your hands up in fear of your very souls. Aisha: But we... Pez: You lie! Adam: But she didn't _say_ anything! Pez: Anything that comes out the mouths of the likes of you, as far as we're concerned, is DOODY! Rocky: Listen you, I've had it up to here with you talkin' to us like we came here, broke into your house, stole your car-keys, did it with your wife, vandalized your car, left and then set your house on fire! Pez: I don't care! And now, before I kick your buns, I just wanted to state that it is also an offense to create metaphores about catostrophic incidences that might in anyway pertain to our race in any manner. Austin: Is it also an offense to sneeze? Pez: Yes. Austin: I don't believe this. Pez: And now, I call upon the grand forces of the seven wonders of the world, the powers of the Fox Kids executives, Saban writers, hemp and the intense good-guy-verses-bad-guy plots to convert into exo-phase number one to become Masked Whiner. Exo-phase activated! Suddenly, the "Star Wars" theme begins. A rectangular power holder comes off of Pez's belt and causes him to go through all sorts of uncomfortable poses to morph into gigantic roach. Once in his suit he somersaults into the air, jumps over the camera, cartwheels over a boulder, backflips off the side of the cliff and lands on a see-saw board with a boulder on the other end which causes it to go up into the air then it lands on the board again, propelling him into the air, lunging forward towards the camera, hitting the side of the hill... Masked Whiner: Oooch! He swings around on a spare naked tree and lands on the ground again with his legs split apart in back and in front of himself. Masked Whiner: OH!! Tommy: That's gotta hurt. Masked Whiner: Gets me everytime. Rocky: Man, what's with the big extravaganza? Masked Whiner: Nevermind! Now, you shall pay... Masked Whiner gets up off his crotch and runs up to a ledge and starts posing with his middle finger raised in the air heroicly. Tommy: Whoah, he's so cool! Adam: Rocky, get out your camera! Rocky: I have a Camera in this helmet? AB Writer: Not anymore. Billy: GUYS! This guy wants to make you into paste! Stop ogoling him! Masked Whiner: Yeah, listen to your little friend--I don't do pictures. But I do do Bar Mitzvah's. Aisha: How's about signing my autograph book? Austin: Oh geez. Masked Whiner: Enough. We take several different angled-camera shots of Masked Whiner as he drones on. Masked Whiner: You shall get a taste of my nasty medicine; my castor oil; my unsweetened tea if you will... Austin: Are you for real? Masked Whiner: Defenders of Eatalot, stand with me now as we take on the challange of a lifetime to put one foot in front of the other and take a stand on finally putting and end to the endless woes of our fellow Eatalots as we take this opportunity... Tommy: Hey, babbling bug, if you're going to fight, put up your dukes or shut up. Masked Whiner: That is another offense, you cannot... Rocky: I'm about to twist your head off in a minute!! Adam: Yeah, I bet even Rocky could take you out! Rocky: YEAH! Huh!? Masked Whiner: All right, let's see what'cha got, weenie. Masked Whiner jumps through the air. Masked Whiner: He-yaaawww... AB Writer: Put a little more power into that, you're starting to not even look believable anymore. One of the Hehoo-Eatalots jumps on top of Rocky, pins him to the ground and uses his foot to stomp on Rocky's crotch. Rocky: Oh man!!! Oh, agh! Ugh, HULL! Lay off! SCENE X: At Lord Bread's palace, Finster comes crawling into the chamber on his knees up to Rita and Lord Bread. Finster: It took me long hours and I didn't know if it was going to make it, but this was a doozy. This baby is.. Rita: I don't care!! Let's have it! Finster: Well it really is a beauty, it is a fine creature and you should be very pleased with what it can do. Lord Bread: Why is everyone trying to keep me from knowing what this monster is!?! Finster: The monster will be displayed on this TV Monitor right here... As soon as Finster clicks on an image of the monster, all Lord Bread can see is a quick glimps of its sides as Rita leaps in front of the screen. Rita: Wait! We have to see what is happening down on earth! Lord Bread: Why!? I wanna see this monster! Rita: Not yet, we... Lord Bread: Let me see the monster already!!! Finster turns off the TV monitor. Lord Bread: Aaaarrgh! Rita: Finster, don't come back here until we see the monster! Finster (annoyed grunt): Mmm hmm... Finster leaves the room. Lord Bread: Ah, once finally we see your brilliant monster, we shall finally be put back into the top ten of most heinous bad guys on action TV. Rita (under breath): Yeah, at number nine. Lord Bread: Wha-chu say, Rita!? Rita: Uh, that's fine! Lord Bread: Well, right--I know that. Anyway... We make a great team, Rita! Rita: Yes, any episode later now and the rangers will be... Kapoot! Hahahaha! Lord Bread and Rita begin moving closer to each other in a sensuous manner when suddeny suddenly a big CENSORED white on black sign eats up the entire screen. Lord Bread: Hey! Let 'em see! AB Writer: The people considered it too graphic and disgusting. Rita: Urrgh! SCENE XI: Back at Eatalot... The rangers are fearfully trying to dodge attack. The Hehoo Eatalots are trying to beat up each ranger individually but keep consistantly missing. Billy is grabbing firmly onto a Hehoo-Eatlot's wrists. Billy: Cut it out! Eatalot: No! Billy: We mean no harm! Alpha 5 sent us! Eatalot: Did you say... Alpha? Billy: No, I said Don Rickles. Eatalot: Hmmm... Masked Whiner is pacing from left to right preparing to attack Tommy and Rocky. Masked Whiner: Be prepared to be crushed, interloafers--like all those who dare to cross the Masked Whiner. Love is not without a ballad of soul, for I shalt not disrespect its beauty. For most of my life, thy has never found his lost soul, for I, I... am one with love... Tommy: Cut the Shakespeare, huh?? Masked Whiner: Why, I like him. I'm going to mold my fist in your face! Tommy: Look buddy, this is getting a little old. Maksed Whiner: Yuh think so? Rocky: Uh huh. Masked Whiner: Ha ha ha ha ha! Tommy: Is there some reason you laughed like that? Masked Whiner: I do not have to answer that. Nothin' you can say will save you now! You attacked us... Rocky: No we didn't. Masked Whiner: Let me finish my dialogue. You sealed your own fate by coming here! [He begins running on his left as do Tommy and Rocky] You will pay the ultimate price! Rocky: You gotta believe us! Masked Whiner: I believe no one! Tommy: Then you must not have a lot of friends. Masked Whiner: It's the final curtain for you, for you have gone and... As he's running the camera moves with his head until he slams into a wall. The camera still keeps going to the left until it stops and goes back to show MW's face smashed up against a rock wall. Masked Whiner: I am in excruciating pain. It's all your fault! Tommy: Hey, you're the one who didn't watch where you're going! Tommy, Rocky and Masked Whiner rumble. They roundhouse, backflip, kick, punch, etc... until Rocky and Tommy both grab hold of each of his arms and keeps him down. Masked Whiner: Let me go! Tommy: No! Not until we slap some sense into you. Rocky: Fortunately, we can. Rocky clubs him with a rubber toy trout-fish. Tommy: That should shut him up. SCENE XII: Back at the spider-like ship where Maggot resides... Maggot: Number One, who are these crayon-colored, large crotch owning, spandex-clad weirdos trying to attack Masked Whiner? Allies I never knew I had? DoubleFace/Number One: Unfortunately, the computer is unable to identify these weirdos. They have genes which biologically do not belong on their planet. Maggot: You are an incompetent fool! DoubleFace/Number One: Kill 'em anyway for the hell of it. Maggot: I'll kill them because they seem to possess the same sickening goodie-good powers which Masked Whiner own. They're dust. Sukup: Kill them now! Kill them slow. Rip out their tongues, that's the way to go. Destroy the five, yes, give them the worst, but let them kill Masked Whiner first. Maggot: Rhyming irritates me beyong my worst nightmares. You go now. Sukup: Yes master. Whatever you say. But Masked Whiner, still will pay. Sukup leaves. Number One: Glad he's gone. If they do destroy Masked Whiner first, they will acquire his powers before we do. Maggot: That can never happen! Number One: My thoughts exactly. Maggot: Beat it! Number One: Uh, yes sir! Maggot: That circus act is of no concern to us. Go annihilate Masked Whiner and his colored playmates while you're added. We pull out to see Maggot standing alone on the bridge. Maggot: Hello? AB Writer: Well, you told everyone to make tracks. Maggot: Urg!! Maggot has to sit in the chair and pilot the ship himself. SCENE XIII: Tommy holds up smelling salts to Masked Whiner's face. Tommy: Honest, Rocky, where did you get that trout? Masked Whiner (dizzy headedly): Uhhuhhhhh.. Rocky: Wake up, you nut case. Masked Whiner: Not you two again! It'll take more than a rubber fish to take me out. Tommy: Wait a minute, hot-foot, what do we have to do to convince you to believe us? Masked Whiner: Drop dead? Massive explosion. Masked Whiner: WOAH! Rocky: Here we go again! Tommy: Okay, big-mouth, now what? Masked Whiner: Well, since Maggot is trying to blast all of us, I guess you're ok. Tommy: It's about time, you peon. Rocky: Shows you what you know! You don't know squat... you don't know... Masked Whiner: Don't get happy or I might just stop thinking you're ok, ok? Hmmm, not even Maggot is slime enough to destroy his own men. Billy: That's what I've been tryin' to tell you, ya big boob. Aisha: Now let's get outta here before we're all made into cinnimon toast! Austin: Yeah, my hip is already been dislocated and re-set in one routine. Adam: We came here to help and now you treat us like bums, but... I guess it's okay. Since at least it wasn't you blasting us since we got here, I don't think it would be necessary to wipe the floor up with your face. Hehoo-Warrios: Great, then--come with us, we have a secret passage that... Masked Whiner: WAIT a minute!! We can't let them know where our secret location without making sure they're telling the truth. Austin: Aw come on, you sissy-mary, what more proof do you need? Tommy: I thought I told you to muzzle it. Okay, here's how it goes. This really querky robot named Alpha 5 got a distress signal from this place so he thought it would be cool to send us down here to find out what is going on. Masked Whiner: So you mean you didn't come here to violate our women, steal our resources, spray-paint the cities, bomb our shelters, set fire to the people and neuter our animals? Aisha: HUH!? Adam: Where'd you get the idea we were going to do all that? Masked Whiner: Pure, unadulterated fear. Well, any friend of Alpha is a friend of ours. Billy: He's not really our friend... Masked Whiner: WHAT!? Tommy: We just find him a little annoying, okay? Sheesh, doesn't everybody? Aisha: Yeah, I mean, what could a little tin-can like that squirt do for you? Masked Whiner: He was this place's ONLY guidance counselor! Rocky: Say what!? Masked Whiner: He is the only one who had a long enough attention span to listen to our troubles. When, all of a sudden, he had to go off to some distant world to go service some old fart who is a big wheel with the Alliance of Good Guys. Austin: Hehehe. You'll be surprised what that Alpha guy does now. Did you know... SCENE XIV: The spider-like ship. Number One: Somehow the entire population missed every shot we have fired since the beginning of this episode! Maggot: Hmmm. That doesn't sound good at all; how do you prepose to fix that? Number One: Fire again? Maggot: What a brillant solution, no-brain. How many seconds did it take you to think up that one? Number One: Hey man, dead-men don't bargain. Maggot (tired): Whatever... Maggot walkis off as the ship keeps firing on the planet. SCENE XV: The planet gets more blanks fired upon it. Masked Whiner: Friends, we must move quickly with alacrity to seek shelter for the ominus explosions eminating from above that is the ship being operated by the evil Count Maggot may soon begin to near and cause us all to perish. Austin: Anything more you would like to add to that? The Hehoo's, Masked Whiner and the Pathetic Rangers run to this convenient cave based at the bottom of a very tall mountain with the others entering first. Masked Whiner stood in front of the entrance looking up towards the sky. Masked Whiner: Once more, we, the people of our planet Eatalot as well as our new found friends from far and beyond are protected from you and your massave attacks upon our humble abode to fight you another time, count Maggot. [Large explosion.] Duuull! Masked Whiner runs inside. Adam: You're a poet too? Billy: Shut up, Adam. ---------- The ship is seen flying through outer space. Maggot: Okay, I wanna know why I even pay you. Better yet, first one to tell me why we didn't get them gets to lick my feet. Sukup: Well I... Maggot: I don't wanna hear it! You IDIOTS screwed up again! Here we are in a ship large enough to hold twice the population of Texas with enough fire power to blow a hole into Eatalot the size of the Grand Canyon and you missed EACH AND EVERY TIME! Sukup: But... Maggot: Get down there with an army of our people and dig them up out of the ground! Because, if I see your sickening faces back here without their rotting carcuses in your arms, there will be some hell to pay, understand? AB Writers: No, no, that hell to pay thing was kinda, weak. We need something new. Maggot: I make my own lines around here. AB Writers: Okay, you're the boss. Maggot: As I was saying, if you don't do this right, some heads are gunna roll! Number One: Right, consider it done, affirmative, roger. Ice-creamer is on the job. Maggot: They shall not escape my plans! Sukup: And what a plan it is sir! Maggot: Knock it off!! TO BE CONTINUED... (C) 1995 Artist Bros. Enterprises