Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Peace, Love and Moe" Parody of, "Peace, Love and Woe" SCENE I: Zack's in the Junk Food Bar (which seems to be their house) practicing "cool" dance moves. Jason: Hey Zack, 's the big night. Zack: Yeah. I love the clog dance. Jason: So who are you going to ask out? Zack: Sandwicha. Jason: Oh! That girl that wouldn't cross the street to spit in your hair? Zack: Yeah, yeah. Well, who are you going to ask out? Jason: My mus... Hey! It's none of your business. Zack: I think I'll leave you two alone. Jason: If you spread the word, you're dead meat! Kimberly is seen next to Billy in spandex so tight you could see her every curve and muscle sitting at a bench together in the hall of the Junk Food Bar. Kimberly: So, umm, who are you going to ask out? Billy: Huh? Oh, hi, Kim. Kimberly: Who are you going to ask out? Billy: I don't know, I haven't seen a girl that has things in common with me. Kimberly: Well, maybe that girl would be right next to you. Zack: Chill, Kim. Billy, if you wanna ask out a girl, you gotta do the dance moves. Chics melt for that mess. Billy: But Zack, I don't want the girls to think I'm a monkey. Zack: Billy, I resent that. I've been working on these moves for 14 years. Billy: Wow! You're a serious little monkey. Zack: I've had it! I'll just go about my business, and chics are going to be attached to me like bees to honey. Billy: You mean like bees stingers to humans. Well, I don't think gyrations of the body in rythmical manners would get a date. Kimberly: Excuse me? Trini: He says he doesn't wanna get a date by dancing. Kimberly: Where'd you come from, Trini? Trini: I'm just hangin', you know. Like from a tree. Kimberly: Yeah, well this dance is for lonelies, not homelies. So scooch. Trini: Hmmp! Just remember, my dad makes the best candy bars of all Angel Grave. Billy: As I was saying... Kimberly: Weren't you going to ask a certain girl out? Billy: Not really. Bye! Kimberly: SCENE II: Rita's palace. Rita: Let's make a monster to beat up Billy. Baboo: But why? Blue-Nosed Ranger is a whimpy, weenie, puny, skimpy, sorry excuse for a... Rita: Because I wanna. Now shut up! Finster: Rita, how's about we take another approach? Instead of using another lousy clay-monster, what if I bring my aunt? Rita: And just who the heck is she? Finster: Her name is Moe. She has a bowl-like hairdo, with a treasure troll crystal that can allow her to control the elements as well as drain brains. Rita: That might work! Finster: Not really, giver take about oh, say 15 minutes, this plan will go down the drain, but hey, you can't blame me for trying. Rita: Call her and bring her to me before I send YOU down there have you fight and get killed by the MegaJunkaZord. Finster: Daaah! I'll do it right away, your ugliness. Rita: That's good! Huh? Goldar: I shall do something, too. Rita: We don't need you in this parody. Goldar: Aww dang, and my kids need the money too. SCENE III: Some homely girl with long straight hair with a long skirt and a neck-high sweater walks into the Junk Food Bar and Billy--who doesn't notice her presence--runs into her and they both drop their books. Billy: My apologies! Margerine: Negative! I was unaware of my biological motions causing me to deviate from my course. What's your name? Billy: Billy. Marge: Oh, my name is Margerine, but you can call me Marge. Billy: Well, I'm physically positronically capable of over-abundances of inspiration in the napsack with the female organisms of the earth. Marge: Wow, neet! I do well phototronically in the regeneration device with males physically positronically stimulating. Kimberly: Something's wrong, Billy's talking line noise with another girl. Trini: Mmm, hmmm. Why don't you ask out some jock or something? Kimberly: Well a jock doesn't fix my car for free, ya know. Jason: How's it going, Billy? Billy: Well, I'm physically overwhelmed by the proceeding incident to molecularly reproduce my physical... Jason: Stop your senseless rambling. Everyone knows you've never talked this dorky until home-nerd decided to actually ask your pathetic self to the dance. Billy: Well at least I have a real date. You're just going out with your muscles. Jason: Hey, why try to add to perfection? Billy: Ugh. Billy rubs Jason aside and walks out the Junk-Food Bar. SCENE IV: Rita: All right, FINSTER! What in Sam Hill is taking you so long to get your ant? Finster: She said she won't come unless I give her roach feet and walrus tongue. Where am I suppose to get that? Rita: How should I know? Just lie. Finster: Why does everything always have to be simple? Oh dear. Here goes. Moments after Finster calls her and lies, Madame Moe appears before the gang. Rita: She's perfect! Squatt: I don't know. Moe: I'll destroy the Pathetic Rangers! Squatt: HEY, I LIKE HER! Goldar: Silence, you fool; don't you know that all Finster's cheap relatives AND monsters claim to do the job? Rita: Hey, a girl can dream. Send her down! SCENE V: Back at the Junk Food Bar... Billy is sitting on a stool reading the "Secrets to Creating a Computer" book when Zack walks up to him. Zack: Hey, where's your smoothy? Billy: How should I know? Zack: She's your squeeze, aren't you suppose to know where the babe-a-saurus is? Billy: Huh? Zack: Forget it. Kimberly: Listen, cutey buns, I've had it seeing you running around with that over-stretched pizza-cheese face. Billy: Why? Kimberly: Don't you like me? Billy: Somewhat, I don't know. Kimberly: If you wanna be able to play with THESE [she pokes her chest up to Billy] again, you'll dump the nerd-girl and fix my car; it broke down again. It's your decision. Billy: Oh, okay. Kimberly: But please, take your time. Trini: You're pathetic. Kimberly: So are you. Aren't we lucky? That's why we get to be pathetic rangers. SCENE VI: Marge is just hanging around outside of the Junk Food Bar on top of a rock (ironically near a spooky, creepy cave) awaiting Billy to come for her. Marge: Hmmmm... Billy said he'd meet me here. Oh well. A drunken Madame Moe appears. Moe: [Hiccup!] Who was I suppose to capture again? Oh yeah, she looks swell ta me. Marge: Who are you? Moe: Someone ugly and gross. Shouldn't you be screaming? Marge: Yeah, but umm, I'm a lousy actress. Just pick me up. Moe: C'mon, let's go to the ol' dementional gap. Rita: Ugh! That FOOL! She's SUPPOSED to be capturing the rangers, not that lamer child. Goldar: I told you this wasn't going to work. Rita: Shut up, Goldar, and attack! SCENE VII: At the lake area... Billy is all dressed up--old fashioned--with a bouquet of flowers when he notices Marge's easy-to-fall-off necklace is on the ground and she's missing. Billy: Odd, I could've sworn she said she'd come. Oh well. HUH!??! Several muddies appear out of the woodworks. Billy: Great, I haven't even finished karate class and ALREADY they're sending me alone with a mad posse of muddies! Ugh! Billy is not doing so well--his lack of karate prowess allows all the muddies to gang up on him and take several hard-hitting punches on him. Billy: Guys!! Help! I'm being attacked by muddies! Billy is awaiting a response from his communicator. Jason: We read ya! Trini: Maybe we can leave him in a ditch and tell the police his body was an accident. Zack: It wouldn't work. Our show would be destroyed. Therefore, we have no choice but to rescue the wuss. Jason: Great, we've gabbed long enough to know Billy is probably bleeding right now. Kimberly: Omigosh! My baby! Hurry! ---------- They eventually arrive to the lake to help Billy fend off the muddies until they're all cleared out. Jason: Alright, our work is done. Seeya. Billy: Listen, loverboy, Rita has OBVIOUSLY sent someone to kill me. Jason: So what are you complaining to me for? Call the police. Trini: You are the little impassive one, aren't you? Jason: Ugh, it's Billy's problem. Billy: Yeah, and it'll be YOUR problem to if you don't do something that isn't stupid. Now c'mon! Marge said she'd meet me, and I found her necklace. Hmmm. The Pathetic Rangers group up together into a corner. Jason: Why are we all bunched up together all of a sudden? Trini: Because, we're going to go up to Zordon's place. Jason: Oh yeah. 3 . ., 2, 1. (Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep) Yeah? Whaddya want now? Zordon: I'm bored, so, I figured I'd bother you. Zack: Yo man, we got things to do. Zordon: No you don't. Zack: Yes we do. Zordon: Listen punk, I say you come to my place, or else. Kimberly: Or else what? Zordon: Just do it, stupid. They all teleport. Billy: What will it be? Crazy 8's? Yatsi? Monopoly? Checkers? Chess? Doctor? Nintendo? Mister Potato Head? Gin Rummy? Don't Wake Daddy? Zordon: NO! How am I suppose to play those games? I have no body! Billy: Oh yeah. Zack: You're suppose to be the brainiac of this show, you would know something simple like that, dope. Alpha: Aye, yi yi! Zordon: Alpha, I haven't even told the rangers the problem yet. Alpha: Sorry, I was just experimenting with this computer virus. Pretty cool. Zordon: Anyway, Rita's unhatched Moe, she looks like the first of the three stooges and has captured Butter. Billy: Margerine! Zordon: Oh. Sorry. Billy: This is terrible! Zack: It is? Kimberly: YES! All right!! Whoo-hoo! I mean, uh, darn, that's bad. Jason: It's morphin time! Zordon: Wait a minute! First I have to tell you what this monster does. She controls weather and fire with her treasure troll crystal, meant for Billy. Right now, she's drunk, she's awfully vulnerable, and all you have to do is destroy her tummy and the rest... Zack: Will be a sloppy mess that the janitors will wind up having to clean up? Zordon: No, you again will get ridiculous amounts of undeserved praise. The rangers just stand there. Zordon: Well? Aren't you going to morph? Jason: Oh, oh right. Zack: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Trini: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Jason: Trashosaurus Polka music starts playing while they are doing their `cool' moves. Zack: Man, what's that annoying sound? Jason: Sounds like our "cool music" gone wrong. What's going on? We'll be RUINED hopping around to polka party. Musicman: Oh, sorry. Red Hot Chili Peppers!! Need ya. Jason: That's better. The rangers start getting tossed around like a tossed salad by Madame Moe, particularly Billy, who gets the stuffings beat out of. Billy: You've had it, lady! Trini: Weren't we suppose to be rescuing Marge? Kimberly: I have an idea, let's leave her in a dark dimension and slowly tear away at her clothing. Billy: Jealous pig. Let's just destroy the mummy. Jason: I'll find bean face. Jason runs in the cave of which Marge is in. Jason: Hey, Marge! Marge: The Pathetic Rangers, wow! Jason: Yeah, I am -- pretty awesome, huh? Marge: Can I have your autograph? Jason: Oh sure, here you go, [while writing] Red Rash Ranger. Marge: Great, cool suit. Jason: You think so? Yeah, it's made of spandex. Marge: Really? It's so wonderful. Jason: Well I have my work cut out for me. Zack: AYE JASE'! WE'RE BEING BLOWN TO BITS OUT HERE! Jason: Gotta go. Marge: But wait, what about me? Jason: Oh yeah, almost forgot. Marge: By the way, isn't Blue Nosed Ranger suppose to save me? Jason: I guess, I don't know, c'mon. Billy: Oh Marge! Marge: Blue Nosed Ranger! My hero! Billy: I'm no hero yet, I gotta mess up the drunk witch. Madame Moe: I'm going to blast you into a big bunch of blue glob! Billy: Wait!! Madame Moe unleashes her treasure-troll crystal power which zaps the crap out of Billy and Jason and the others are shaking. Jason: Duh, I, uhh, gee; ummm, listen, Billy; tell me how it turns out. I'm gonna go in the ever-so concealing shadow, ya know; where it's safe? BYE! Billy: Hey wait, I... Aarrgghhh... That's IT! You've had it, witch! Billy gets out his Power Lance and starts twirling it and attempting to attack Moe but she keeps beating him up until he's too weak to get up. Madame Moe extends some odd chain from out of no where and the cuff at the end gets locked onto Billy's wrist. Madame Moe begins throwing him around with the chain and throwing explosion at him. Madame Moe throws him from side to side while still attached to the chain. Madame: Hahahaha, this is the end; Blue Ranger!! Good-bye! Billy: NO! Billy gets up and grabs her Treasure Troll Crystal from out of her belly and attatched to it is Black Gook. Billy: Ewww.... Billy drops it. Madame: No!! Not my PRECIOUS Treasure Troll crystal!! Billy: Oh yes, you're history now! Billy starts beating the stuffings out of Madame Moe until she's off her feet. ---------- Rita: What!?!?! What's going on down there! Baboo: Something tells me this isn't going to work! Finster: Oh dear. Rita: If I were you, Finster; I'd start writing out my will. ---------- Jason comes from out of the cave with the other rangers hopping around as if he saved the day. Jason: All right! I did it! I defeated Madame Moe! Billy: WHAT!? YOU TAKE CREDIT FOR *MY* WORK!?!?! You COWARD!!! Jason: Hey, what else are leaders for? Billy: Arrrgh... Just for that; I'M gonna ask for the Power Spitter! Jason: Aww shucks. Zack: Power Axe! Kimberly: Power Bow! Trini: Power Daggers! Billy: Power Lance! Jason: Power Sword! Their weapons formulate the Power Spitter, which fires laser-spit. Madame Moe is standing there knowing she's licked and they finally destroy her with their Power Spitter. ---------- Rita: I KNEW it wasn't going to WORK!!! YOU FOOLS! And your stupid relatives! I'M NEVER HIRING YOUR FAMILY AGAIN!! WHY THAT DRUNK LOOKS LIKE A VETERAN FROM "MAMA'S FAMILY"! Finster: I tried my best. Rita: You're nothing, you're stupid, you know that! Ugh! Finster: Oh Rita, you are absolutely right, oh! Rita: She'll never work in this universe again! Baboo: Of course not. Squatt: It's hard to find good work these days if you have no body. Rita: Shut up! You Pathetic Rangers have made fun of me for the last time! Next time, I'll have you eating the entrails out of your own bodies!! SCENE VIII: At the dance in Ernie's Junk Food Bar... Everyone is hopping around to a polka version of the "Orpheus Overture", square dancing with clogs on their feet. Billy is at a table with this wild hair-do he most likely won't fashion ever again trying to ask Marge to dance. Billy: Well, Marage, would you wanna go dance with me? Marge: I would love to, it's just that I (short pause), met some dude and got married. Billy: What? No way. Marge: I'm sorry, see; he just had more money than you did, that's all. Billy: Who was it? Marge: Well, he invented a transformation chamber and made $1.2,000,000 off of it. I think his name was Steven Quincy Urkel. Billy: Oh no! No no no!! Marge: Gotta go. Billy: What a rotten sack of potatoes. Zack: Hey, Kim's offering. Why don't you go ask her to dance before she finds out you're only asking her because Marge got an attitude? Billy: Oh right. Hey Kim, wanna go dance? Kimberly: Great! Jason: Well, all and all, everyone's happy. Trini: I guess. Bulk and Skull walk in. Bulk: Hey, we want a date! Skull: Yeah. Trini: Well, we all want miracles, but it rarely happens. Bulk: Oh, belligerent, aren't we? We'll just have to teach you pieces of garbage a lesson. Jason: What's the worst you could do to us? Put too much starch in our underpants? Try just running into Ernie's cake. Bulk: Okay. Bulk and Skull run into the cake. Ernie approaches the two. Ernie: Alright, you nitwits. I let it slide that you deadbeats didn't pay up for that cake you desecrated at the beginning of the show. But now, you're gonna have to pay up or get out. Bulk: Aww, but Ernie; I... Ernie: NO BUT'S! Bulk: Alright, just let me consult my bank. Bulk takes off his sock and grabs his smelly money that makes Ernie pass out. Billy: You! You shams! Bulk: Hey, now that he's out, we don't have to pay! Skull: Alright! Billy: I hope you idiots believe in Karma, because what goes around comes around. Bulk: That's a crock. No one's feet are smellier than mine. Trini: He has a point there. THE END (C) 1994 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Trini's old itching, smelly, stupid, so-called Karate/Scientist Uncle, who is working on an invisibility formula, decides to pay Trini a visit. Dorky: Ooops! I evaporated the toilet. Oh well, no biggie. I'm bored. Hmmm, I think I'll mess with my cousin. . . cousin. . . uhh, I think Weenie. Oh well. Does it matter? Last I remember, when she was nine, all she ever did was smile. ...but Rita has taken an interest in Uncle Dorky's formula (for no apparent reason), so she commands Finster to create--out of a celebrity's poop--Dumb Warrior! Rita: Finster! I'm angry! I want a monster! Finster: Coming up, my queen. Ah, this one is oven baked. ... Dumb Warrior: Hey touts, I'm out of the oven. Could you stop banging at those invalids and tell me what I'm suppose to be doing? Rita: Right, I'll deal with you toons later. Go down there and kidnap Trini's pee-pee smelling uncle and interrogate and torture him until he gives up the location where he put his formula. Warrior: The monster always gets the tough job. Rita: That's because you're scary. Warrior: No I'm not. I just look like someone's afternoon potty accident. Can the Rangers withstand the smell and the swarm of flies to battle this walking dirty-diaper? Will Trini finally wise up and see that Uncle Dorky needs to be put in a rest home? Will Billy stop over-acting and pull his hands out of Kimberly's blouse? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!