Introducing T.J. Roberts as Pez/"Masked Whiner" Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "A Friend Knee-Deep in Pig Poop, Part II" Parody of, "A Friend In Need, Part II" LAST TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS: An entirely sentimental plot found Alpha worried half to death that Lord Bread's villainous rival Count Maggot was going to destroy his home planet Eatalot! Billy: Well, this monster named Count Maggot is trying to blow up this planet named Eatalot where Alpha was created, courtesy Scrapum Robotronics. ...the rangers teleported to a planet a ridiculous 20 skillion UltraLightYears away to help save their planet, but were meeted by anamosity from the paranoid Pez! Pez: Are you prepared to fight you insignificant tablespoons of phlegm? Tommy: Hey hey hey hey! That looks sharp! Billy: Wait, we came because we got a report talking a distress call from Scrapum Robotronics! Pez: A likely story. So I see, trying to use the ol' sympathy gag. I've seen it too many times before to fall for it this time! Tommy: Oh yeah? When's the last time anyone's tried it? Pez: Once. Billy: When was that? Pez: Just now. Rocky: Wait a minute, you're just lookin' for a reason to beat us up? Pez: Who says I need a reason? To spare the tideous details, they convinced Pez to cool it and fight on their side to destroy Count Maggot! Masked Whiner: Well, since Maggot is trying to blast all of us, I guess you're ok. Tommy: It's about time, you peon. Count Maggot continued his repetitive attack upon Eatalot consisting of dull, over used stock footage from "Ramen Whiner"! Number One: Somehow the entire population missed every shot we have fired since the beginning of this episode! Maggot: Hmmm. That doesn't sound good at all; how do you prepose to fix that? Number One: Fire again? Can the rangers get Count Maggot to take a chill pill? Or does he have hemherroids? Did Aisha give Kimberly her cold when she sneezed in a boquet of flowers she once sent Kimberly? Will we ever find out what monster Finster is cooking up? And last, does this plot completely cancel out the validity of the movie which you wasted valuable moolah on? You decide. Or, you could Find out in the conclusions of "A Friend Knee-Deep in Pig Poop," NEXT! SCENE I: Planet, ship, bang-bang. Reader: You guys just aren't trying anymore, are you? AB Writer: Well, this is what happens when you re-use stock footage. How creative can a guy get after 89 freakin' episodes _and_ a movie? Boom crash, explosions everywhere, etc, etc... ---------- The rangers run into the cave with the Robed-Gasmask Men and Masked Whiner. Gas-Masked Man: The world is being blown to bits! Masked Whiner: I know that!! Austin: Well, what happens now? Masked Whiner: We stay safe enough to remind the readers where we are in the plot. We'll be fine, for now. Tommy: Cool, well; it's been real but we've gotta go find Lexus. Billy: Oh now I remember, didn't we find out he packed up and left for the Bahamas? Rocky: The Bahamas??? Tommy: NO we never found out about that! Adam: So we're up here for nothing now? Austin: That's it, I'm going home. Aisha: Wait a minute; I think this man has something to say. Austin: Whatever it is, it better be where is my lawyer. ---------- Voice of Ship: Count Maggot, we have lost them; we need to send down the Plaque Patrol. ---------- Masked Whiner: We can only stay for a short time. Because of your costumes being a lot brighter than mine, he found out where we hide by just looking for your colors. Austin: Oh god. Masked Whiner de-morphs. Billy: It's humanoid! Aisha: Who are you? What's your name? Where do you live? Pez: Let's not get personal here! Gas-Masked Robed Man: I feel that we can trust them. Tommy: Oh get off it, we've already established that. Pez turns around with black hair, looking human with a treasure troll crystal glued to his forehead. Rocky: Yow! That thing must hurt! Isn't that suppose to be on your belly? Tommy: Knock it off. Pez: I'll explain later. Billy: Why don't you start from the beginning? Pez: Fair enough. I am... Pez. Head Chef of Eatalot. I am also called the Masked Whiner. Billy: We, uh, noticed that. Austin (mumbles sarcastically): Wonder where he picked up the name. Aisha pokes Austin with her elbow. Pez: The power was bestowed upon me to battle evil and to enforce justice. Austin: His name wouldn't happen to be Zordon, would it? Pez: Uh... No, I don't think so. Anyway. I have trusted you with my identity, I shall not betray the trust of yours. The Rangers keep standing there. Pez: Uh, I'm asking you to take off your helmets. Rocky (suddenly): Oh! Adam: Hey, did Zordon say this was okay? Austin: Who cares. Tommy: We're not taking off our helmets. Pez: Okay. I demand you do so or I shall kill you all. Billy: Well, that's an offer we can't refuse. Billy stands up and starts to take off his helmet, soon the others do too. Tommy: Hi, I'm Tommy. Adam: Adam. Billy: I'm Billy. Aisha: Aisha. Rocky: John Doe. Billy: Rocky! Rocky: All right. Rocky. Suddenly, we see Austin walking back out of the cave. Tommy: Hey, where do you think you're going? Austin: Aw man... Austin returns. Austin: Okay, but I'm only doin' this because they made me, as usual. Austin takes off his helmet. Austin: I'm Austin. Pez: Here are my friends. This is Lez, this is Mez and this is Zez. Tommy: Zez? Zez who? Pez: Zez's him. Tommy: What he say? Pez: He didn't say anything. Tommy: But you said he's Zez. Pez: Right! Tommy: But what did he say? Pez: Nevermind! Why are you here anyway? Tommy: Oh yeah! Right, okay, see, we're the Pathetic Rangers. We're on there to protect earth. Pez: Hmmm, I need proof. Austin: LOOK. Do you need serial numbers? Okay, I'm A10-P2, spaghetti hair over there is AC9-Y, that hideous throw back from the 50s is RR7-R and Adam is AW8-B and there's supposed to be a KSH3-P. Pez: Okay, now I remember. What happened to the RR1-R? Austin: How should I know? Aisha: We have serial numbers? Billy: Didn't you know? Rocky: Anyway, we came here because Zordon and Alpha Five said that some people here he knew needed our help. So, to get some extra brownie points and simultaneously intro a totally different show altogether, we came here. Pretty neat stunt, eh!? Billy: Uh yeah. Tommy: Hey, Pez. What happened to your planet? It looks bummed. Austin: Yeah, I mean, everything is tinted orange! Pez: The orange screen isn't my fault, for some strange reason, the directors thought that might look cool to color the gas inside the planet so it doesn't look quiet so much like Earth here. About the planet... Pez turns around and touches the treasure crystal in his forhead as it falls out of his head and pops off the ground a couple of times. Pez: Whoops. AB Writer: What do we even pay you for? Pez: Wait, wait, I got it. Let's try again. The screen rewinds back to him touching the crystal as it begins to glow. Pez: These mind crystals allow us the ability to communicate our thoughts as well as images. Suddenly, the female Hehoo-Eatalot accidently screens an image of Tommy naked with her stradling him. Aisha: Oh yuck!! Austin: Man, turn it off! Billy: That's a gross exaggeration. Tommy: Hey! Lez: Whoops, sorry. Pez: Anyhow... [Screens the same-ol' stock footage from yesterday's episode.] Count Maggot has enslaved our people and forced them to mine the soil. Unfortunately, he found out before we did that the planet was filled with colored gas that will ultimately destroy our planet. Thank goodness we learned about it when we did--people started suing the union for folks dying on the job. Austin: The point being? Pez: What you do mean!? Our world will be destroyed!! Austin: No, I mean, what's his motive? Pez: Who knows. I guess he's just a real piece of crap. Adam: How could you let this happen? Pez: You see, we had wars everyday, more weapons than there were people and violent television programming. We burned up the weapons, banned the bad shows and turned into a planet of peace. Quite suddenly, in the midst of Lumberstock, Count Maggot figured out that our rear ends were very much uncovered and decided to wage a full scale attack on our huts. Austin: Huts? Pez: Yes. Technology wasn't too well accepted by the peace-go'ers. Anyhow, the attack nearly blew our race into one million pieces because we were not prepared as we were a race of Sex, Drugs and Rock n' Roll. Austin starts chuckling. Austin: This gets better all the time. Pez looks behind himself with an angered expresion then returns to the picture. Pez: Anyway, thanks to that cranky old geezer, this is what's left of our planet. Billy: So, how did you get to be the Masked Whiner? Pez: Well, it's always been here. Except, we never needed it so as soon as I was born they gave it to me. I didn't understand why until they explained the concept of the selective service. So my father, who was the king at the time, enrolled me in Tae-Kwan-Do for Tikes and I got my Black Belt at 14. Rocky: When did you enroll? Pez: When I was five. Adam: It took NINE YEARS to get a black belt? Pez: They always said I was a slow learner. Anyway, when I finally got the Powers when I completed the home-study course, I was immediately drafted into the service. Count Maggot must never get his clammy hands on the powers, as, if he had them, he would be invincable. Austin: I'm pretty sure the Fox Execs could take care of him. AB Writer: Shhhh! Pez: So, what I do is basically make sure that Maggot doesn't totally blow this planet away while the others slave away in the mines hoping one day he'll go away. AB Writer: Good luck. Pez: [Sigh.] Well, until the day that Maggot decides we aren't worth it anymore, I have to keep doing this Masked Whiner thing. And there's the story. Any questions? Aisha: Just one. Where's the bathroom? Billy: UGH! Tommy: Go ahead. Aisha: Why are you a bug? Pez: A bug? Aisha: Yeah, you look like a gigantic roach. Pez: That's funny. I've never thought about that. SCENE II: At the Command Center, Alpha is asleep when suddenly a buzzing on the control pannel wakes him up. Alpha (coming out of sleep): ...evil Green Ranger! Get baaaack! Oh. Oh thank god. Alpha gets up and looks at the flashing lights. Alpha: I've really got to install monitors in this place instead of just these stupid flashing lights. Oh, it's you Kimberly! Kimberly (via communicator): (Cough, cough). Alpha, (sniff), have you heard from the guys yet? Alpha: Nope. But don't worry, Kimberly, you just concentrate on getting better. Hey... [noticing something strange.] Is there something wrong with your chest? Kimberly: Huh? Alpha: It looks lopsided. Like one is bigger than the other. Kimberly: Oh yeah, that's my morpher. See, it was hurting my back so I keep it in my bra. Nobody'll find it there. Alpha (mummbling): Except every 20-year-old guy in L.A. Kimberly: What's that? Alpha: Nothing, nothing. You just, just, get your rest, Kimmy... I'll just busy myself with these decorative flashing lights. Kimberly: Will you keep me posted? Alpha: Of course I will. I'll page you as soon as I hear something from them. ---------- Kimberly tries to put her communicator on the table but drops it on the floor. Kimberly: Oh man. Kimberly leans over and her morpher hits her on the chin. Kimberly: Ouch! Kimberly picks up both the morpher and the communicator and drops them inside of her blouse. Kimberly: Ooo, cold! Agh... (Cough.) SCENE III: At the Youth Center, two young ladies (who look as if this is their first acting gig) are chatting about something that clearly makes no sense as Bulk walks up to them seeing a perfect opportunity to get a date. Bulk: Hi girls. Now wait, before you break into a sweat, I just want to say that you don't have to love me only for my looks. See, I have charm, money, looks and smarts. Yes. I have it all and you see... The girls are seen as being no longer there. Bulk: Hmmm, maybe I should work on my pick-up line. Ernie: Well, this isn't a bar you deadbeat. So stop harrasing women or I'm going to call the cops... Again. Bulk: Okay, okay. Bulks over to Skull. Skull: You!! Bulk, get AWAY from me! I'm trying to study here. Do you realize that if I don't get a passing grade that I'm going to end up grounded again? I have to get at least a D plus average. Bulk: So? Skull: The punishment is having to wash my mother's dentures! Bulk: Ewwl! Well, nevermind that. Take a look at those two, what do you think? Skull: Nice ass. Bulk: No! What do you think they're talking about? Skull: How hairy your chest is? Bulk: No! Think before you speak. What else do you think they could be talking about. You know, the ONLY reason that we're bothering them? Skull: Get 'em to watch dirty videos? Bulk: Don't make me hurt you!! The Pathetic Rangers, you idiot! Skull: So? Bulk: I have a brilliant idea. Skull: Oh-kay... Skull tries to take out running when Bulk grabs his shirt and pulls him back to the seat. Skull: Uh uh!! There isn't a chance in hell I'm lookin' for those Pathetic Rangers. I've had it up to here with going to the hospital, getting arrested or WORSE. Bulk: Aw come 'on, Skull! I promise we won't get sued! Skull: That's right, promise me the world then when once we get fined for indecent exposure or illegal usage of pyrotechnics, then suddenly it was my idea. Right, Bulk, well you're going to have to find yourself another fool because I ain't... Bulk: Look, do you want me to start spreading rumors about your bed wetting? Skull: Oh not that, Bulk! Anything but that! The real bullies were beating me up! It took eighteen stitches to heal the sow up my cankers. Bulk: Well then... Skull: Okay, genious, how do we find them this time? Bulk: We don't. 'Cause we already have. Skull: Seriously, Bulk, I know a really nice psychologist by the name of... Bulk: I don't NEED no psychologist!! I'm PERFECTLY sane! Now, back to the plan. WE are the Pathetic Rangers! Skull: You sure you don't need to see Doctor... Bulk: Shaddup... Now, we pretend to be the Pathetic Rangers and then we can have ourselves a babe-o-rama! Skull: Okay, but I'm not into those multi-partner deals. SCENE IIII: AB Writers: Just kidding! SCENE IV: At Lord Bread's castle. Lord Bread: Where's Finster with my new monster? I don't have all day you know. Goldar: Knowing Finster, he's probably trying to unclog the toilet from all the monsters he's been trying to flush 'cause they stink so bad. Rita: Ehh!!! Goldar: Okay, I'll shut up and let Bread find out for himself. SCENE V: In the cave, Tommy, Rocky, Adam, Billy, Austin, Pez and Co. are sitting on the rocks waiting around. Billy checks his watch. A bit later, Aisha returns. Aisha: Ah, thanks, Pez, for letting me use your bathroom. Pez: We don't have a bathroom! Aisha: Uh oh. Pez: What did you do? Aisha: Hey, cool it, Pez! I just went to take a whiz, all right? Pez: You idiot! All you said is may I be excused! Ugh, Mez, go clean that up. Mez: Agh... Mez walks off and grabs a mop as he leave the room. Billy: So, where were we? Aisha: Oh yeah, what ever happened to Lexus? Pez: He's my grandpa. He's hiding planning our people's escape. Mez: I'm done. Listen, don't do that again, we'll give you a cup next time. Aisha: Hey! SCENE VI: Bulk and Skull are found in the Junk Food Bar inching their chairs towards those "luscious babes." Bulk: So tell me, Skull, when WAS it that you met the Pathetic Rangers? Skull: I MET the PATHETIC rangers when I was skydiving. They are my close pals. Want to go to thee baseball game with me, Bulkie? Bulk: Sure. Didn't you tell me that the PATHETIC RANGERS would show up? Skull: Yes, a very reliable source tells me that they will be appearing. Bulk: Ahhh... So this RELIABLE source verifies that their secret hideout in fact exists, RIGHT? Skull pauses while looking at the ceiling and the walls. Bulk kicks Skull's leg. Skull: Ouch! Whatcha do that for? Bulk: You frigten me, Skull. Skull: Uhhh... what was the plan again? Bulk: The Pathetic Rangers!! Skull: What about them? Bulk: There's a reliable source that says they have a hideout, right???? Skull: Uh yeah, sure, whatever. Bulk: Thank you. Now remember, Skull, this is TOP SECRET INFORMATION. The girls start giggling. Blonde Girl: They're lying, right? RedHead Girl: They said a reliable source. Blonde Girl: Why would they tell them though? Bulk: See, Skull? They're talking about us!!! Skull: Whoopty doo. Probably talking about whether or not a bodyguard would be too expensive. Bulk: The RANGERS WILL BE APPEARING AT THE PARK OF ANGEL GRAVE, WEST OF 3RD STREET, TAKE A LEFT AND TURN RIGHT TO THE NEXT CORNER, STOP AT THE BOOKSTORE, AROUND THE TREES AND INTO THE PARK. The girls begin writing the information down. Skull: I CAN'T WAIT. Bulk: ME NEITHER, SKULL. SCENE VII: That stupid looking cowpolk rides onto the hill on his horse again... Number One: Peach Cobblers! Destroy the Hehoo-Eatalots and their multi-colored friends with the embarrassingly bulging genitalia! These monsters who look like a cross between Peach Cobblers and Cactus Plants are jumping around as if they're obeying. ---------- Aisha: That sounds like the sound of a monster jumping! Billy: Who said it was a monster? Aisha: I don't have ESPN. I just read the script. Rocky: ESP. Aisha: Never heard of that cable station. Pez: What is a cable station? Tommy: Nevermind, guys. Let's move! Uh, what are we going into action for? Pez: It's the Peach Cobbler warriors. Aisha: Huh? Zez: Giant, mushy, faceless monsters out to be the biggest dish in a TV dinner tray! And, they're also trying to destroy us too. Austin: Let's roll. The music from "Dragnet" begins as Tommy and Rocky nod their heads to each other over and over again. Pez: Ahem... While we're young? All: Oh yeah, sure, right... The Hehoo-Eatalots and Rangers run out the cave to face certain doom. Pez: Gasp! The plaque patrol has returned! Out to rot out the teeth of all! Billy: This is cheesy. Austin: That goes without saying. Pez: Are you gonna help me, or what??? Tommy: Sure, why not. Peach Cobbler Warrios: Heh heh heh... Ho ho ho... Hee hee hee! Ha ha ha! Billy (sticking his finger in his mouth): Eah, eah, eah! SCENE VIII: PC Warrior #1: Feelin' lucky, punks?? PC Warrior #2: Yeah! Go ahead! Make our day! PC Warrior #3: 'Cause a man's gotta know his limitations! Tommy: Well a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do. Austin: These sayings are all too familiar to me. Pez: This ain't a fight! This is a hissy. Now are we gonna fight or are we gonna run our mouths? PC Warrior #1: Wouldn't take too much time to take you out! Pez: That's what you think, slime. PC Warrior #3: Oh yeah?? Why do you think Earth is the only planet with humans?? Pez: Oh... Yeah. Well, you won't do me in! I'm too strong and powerful to take the abuse from the likes of you! Number Two on Horsey: Stop your yammering and get to work! Plaque patrol! Show them what cavities is all about! Pez goes back to his friends. Pez: Guys, I can't take all of them. Austin: So what do you want us to do about it? Pez: You could be a true friend and help us out. Tommy: Don't worry, we'll take out the Plaque Patrol while you maul those disgusting Peach Cobbler Warriors. Pez: Right. Rangers: Right! Zez: Right! Adam: How old are you, Pez? Pez: 15. Adam: Hahahahahaha! Rocky: That's a laugh. Pez: Hey knock it off! At least I'm a REAL teenager. Now let's get to work! Tommy: It's back to action! Billy: Wait, I have to pee. Zez walks up to Billy and hands him a 4 inch tall cup. Billy: On second though, I can hold it in. Aisha: Before we get back to action, I have to get my hair in a bun. Tommy: Oh yeah. Me too. 3 minutes later... Their helmets are on and they're confronting Number 2, the Peach Cobblers and the Plaque Patrol. Pez: As new friends like these rally to our cause, the day is near that you and your evil force of Count Maggot will be vanished, abolished, ruined and thrown out, never to step foot on this great planet o' mine otherwise known as Eatalot and victory shall belong to me, and not the evil that is bestowed upon us by your lifeless... Everyone is on the ground asleep. Pez: Hey! This won't be much of a fight if you guys all go to sleep. Aw man. Come on, guys! Wake up! Pez kicks the rangers awake and kicks the villains away. Pez: Evil villains, we need you. Pez walks back up to his frozen, posing ranger friends and turns around again to confront Number 2. Pez: Anyway...! Pez raises his middle finger in the air again. Rocky: Hey!! That's very rude of you, Pez. Billy: Yeah. Pez: What is? This is a symbol of great honor. The middle finger represents one strong man who stands alone. Austin: Well, you're not alone, and it looks like some guy's Johnny and back on my planet that's what we calling telling someone to kiss off. Pez: You're planet is filled with sheep then. By the power, of grey-skull! Wait a minute, that was She-Ra. Oh well. Umm, oh yes! Ecto-phase activate! Same overused "Star Wars" song begins as Pez transforms into Masked Whiner. Masked Whiner raises his gloved middle-finger again... Maksed Whiner: Now villains... Tommy: Uh, could you like not do that anymore for us? It's kinda off-putting. Masked Whiner: Whatever! Anyway, you shall get a taste of the strong Masked Whiner and thee... what does that cue-card say? Whitey Teeny Pathetic Strangers! Tommy: Um, excuse me, that's um, uh, Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers. Masked Whiner: Hahahaha. Right. Let's get this show on the road! All: Right! The rangers take out the Plaque Warriors. Masked Whiner takes care of the Peach Cobblers. Number 2 just laugh. Boxing announcer: And it's a fight to the finish! Rocky gives the creep a left! Oooo, he smacked him right in the kidneys. Adam roundhouses a PC Warrior, man! That hit to the groin will be hurtin' for weeks! Tommy: Where'd he come from? SCENE IX: Back at Lord Bread's... Rita: FINSTER!!!!!! Lord Bread: What the hell is keeping Finster? Goldar: I think he made a run for it. Rita: Shut up. I'll talk to the little white bastard. Rita walks into Finster's claymation room.... Rita: Finster, I am not amused by you taking an entire eon to do this! Where's the monster?!?!? Finster: I have it right here with me. Now, without further ado, here's Regurgitor! Finster walks into the living room with SilverCorn from "The Power MasterCard" painted green. Rita: Is this some kind of joke?? Lord Bread: That's just Silvercorn! What did you do to him? Goldar's drinking water and accidentally splashes some on Regurgitor and a splotch of paint starts running as his original yellow shell is seen. Regurgitor: Ack! Oh no! Finster! This was wet paint! Finster: Sorry, they wanted you in a hurry, and I had nothing to offer, so I had to get you all fixed up. Rita: You cheap fool! It's no wonder Bread had you schloping bread instead of making monsters! Get out my face before I have to do something illegal to you! Finster: Uhh, yes my queen. Regurgitor: I shall destroy the... Rita: Just shut up, all right? I don't wanna hear what you have to say. Just go out there and make your little attempt. Regurgitor: I promise I will not fail you, and... Lord Bread: Silence!! If you don't deliver, I swear you will never appear on this show again!! Got that?? Regurgitor: But you see, I won't fail... All: GET OUTTA HERE! Regurgitor: Yeah yeah, I'm goin', I'm goin'. SCENE X: Back at the command center... The alarm goes off and Alpha slams an axe over it. Zordon: Alpha, what did you do that for? Alpha: That thing is giving me an earache. Zordon: Oh, and hi-pitched shrills of "Aye yai yai" doesn't? Alpha: Knock it off. Apparently, something's gone wrong again. I just don't care anymore. I mean, it's to be expected. What am I suppose to say? "Gasp, a monster! We're in for it now!" Zordon: Send Pink Ranger. Alpha: But she's as sick as a dog. Zordon: Who cares? My contract stipulates that in sickness and/or in health, you must fight a monster even if you're standing in a desert, bleeding your guts out with one of your fingers missing. Alpha: Okay. I'll see if I can spot the ugmo on the viewing globe. He's in Angel Grave Park. Zordon: But you didn't even turn on the viewing globe. Alpha (sarcastically): Oh, I'm sorry. Maybe he's inside a Sears shopping store. Or maybe he's at DisneyLand. Yeah, that's the ticket. Zordon: Then go fetch the rangers. Alpha: And would you like me to get you your morning paper, pipe and slippers? Zordon: Shut up, Alpha. Alpha: I'll try, but we're talking serious long distance! AP&P doesn't cover this! Damn them. They promised us a 30% discount for any $100,000 teleportation, but they lied. We're paying double 30% and we're not even getting a flat rate discount. Zordon: I should've went with MCI. But they've been saying some pretty bad stuff about AP&P lately. Alpha: Aye yi yi. SCENE XI: Number 2 is swinging around an axe in mid-motion with Tommy. Tommy: Hey! Watch it! YEEP! Number 2 swings the axe to hit Tommy's neck when he ducks. Tommy: Agh! SCENE XII: Alpha: Aye yi yi! Billy lied to me! This stupid communications device was just a command center bug into his stupid garage! This was no updated chip! Zordon: No one makes an ass out of Zordon Ellington Korstowsky and gets away with it. Alpha: Worse than that! That ugly revision of SilverCorn is gonna start picking on people! Zordon: Honestly, Lord Bread is a dweeb. If he was smart, he'd send a larger than life monster down while the rangers are gone and rip us up to pieces. Which is the one thing that keeps this flamboyantly repetitive show from ever getting interesting. Alpha (on the phone): Uh huh...yes...I'd like to order a pizza...extra cheese...no anchovies...no extra toppings...uh huh... Zordon: You must give me some. Alpha: How? Zordon: Open that little door in my head tube and put it in my mouth. Alpha: Mmmmmm...no. Zordon: I hate that movie. I hope the AB Writers re-write the whole thing as a four-part episode for next week. Let's pick on Kimberly. Alpha: Right-a-rooney. ---------- Kimberly is in the bathroom coughing up things, sneezing when the phone rings. Kimberly, with her hair frayed and uncombed, looking worse than before approaches the phone and picks it up. Kimberly: Hello? AP&P: Yes, are you willing to accept a collect call? Kimberly: Uhhh, sure? AP&P: Hold please. Suddenly, Walter Murphy's "A 5th of Beethoven" is heard over the phone when the phone clicks and Alpha is on the line. Alpha: I just called to say we're going to beep you on your communicator. Kimberly: What?? You called me collect just for that?? Listen, I am not going to run up my phone bill arguing with a talking soup-can. Alpha: Thanks. Alpha hangs up as does Kimberly. Kimberly is paged on her communicator. Kimberly: WHAT?? I have no time! I am in third-rate health and I could keel over any minute if I ever got into a fight with one of those silly muppets. Alpha: Tough toenails. Our long-distance carrier can't reach the rangers, and they're off on some distance planet of mine fighting with some bozo and Regurgitor is running around the city. Kimberly: Doing what? Alpha: I have absolutely no idea. Kimberly: You owe me big, Alpha. Alpha: Okay. Alpha out. Kimberly puts her communicator back on the table. Alpha: By the way, you better hope a robber doesn't come in and spot that communicator. Kimberly (stuffy nosed): It's morphin' time! Kimberly: Pterodorky ---------- Kimberly teleports into the park and meets the Green-painted SilverCorn/Regurgitor. Kimberly: Hold it right there you, you, whatever you are! Regurgitor: Aw, isn't that sweet. Forgot to take your chewy illness tablets? Kimberly: Leave my cold outta this! Regurgitor: This is my lucky day! Get to attack ugly fat people, snack off a Pink Appetisor and you're all alone! Kimberly: You may be alone, you sack of Green Pea Soup, but you've got another thing coming if you think that you're gonna... A-CHOO! Regurgitor: Hahahaha! You're pathetic! Kimberly: Excuse me. Regurgitor: You're excused. And god bless you. Kimberly: Thank you. Now, anyway, I'm gonna kick your butt! Kimberly back-kicks Regurgitor, twists his arm around... Kimberly: Say, when's the last time you got your nails done? Kimberly punches Regurgitor and can't go on and sneezes three times. Reguritor: Ew, gross! That's disgusting! How dare you sneeze on me?? Kimberly: Hey, you're the one who picked a fine time to pick on me. And why would you be worried about my germs? ACHOO! Oh man, this helmet is a mess. Regurgitor grabs Kimberly by the back and throws her clean across the sky. Kimberly: AIEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAGH! Kimberly hits the ground. Regurgitor: So, who's the top dog now? Kimberly: You won't get away with this, I promise! TO BE CONTINUED... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Introducing T.J. Roberts as Pez/"Masked Whiner" Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "A Friend Knee-Deep in Pig Poop, Part III" Parody of, "A Friend In Need, Part III" SCENE I: At the Command Center, Alpha looks the Viewing Globe noticing the Kimberly is getting dragged around being beatin into the ground like a stuffed doll. Alpha: Oh no! Kimberly is so sick she is losing the fight! If she keeps going she could... Suddenly there is a horrible sound from the viewing globe. Alpha: Yep, she threw up her helmet. Zordon: Yuck!! I'm going to need to _sterilize_ that thing once she's done. Alpha: What are we going to do, egg-head? Zordon: We must try and send a message to the other Rangers to get their butts back here and help her. Alpha: Okay, but this is really going to cost us. After all, intergalactical calls are the most expensive during the day. Alpha begins punching in a long line of numbers into keypad when suddenly there is a busy signal. Alpha: Oh no! The line is busy! Zordon: Who on earth could be using it? Alpha: Now what are we going to do? Zordon: Hmmm, you must have faith in Kimberly, she is very resourceful. Alpha: Okay, but she isn't very pretty when she's coughing up her guts. We see Kimberly coughing and sneezing on the viewing globe. Zordon: Okay then, I must have faith in her. SCENE II: Back to Kim and Regurgitor. Regurgitor: Had enough!? Kimberly: That does it! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Achoo! Regurgitor tries to block the spray. Once she's finally done, he smacks Kimberly. Regurgitor: Knock it off!!! What are tryin' ta do? Get me sick!? Kimberly: That'll be a f, a feahoo... Achoo! AB Writer: That's startin' to not sound so cute anymore. Kimberly: Sorry. Kimberly sneezes again. Regurgitor: Stop sneezin' on me!! Regurgitor throws Kimberly aside. Regurgitor: Okay, that does it. Now I'm going to have to, oh, ah... Eee!! Achoo!!! The sneeze from Regurgitor causes a small localized quake. Regurgitor: Oh no!!! This is terrible! Bread up there is going to make me into soup if he finds out about this. Regurgitor runs off sneezing. Kimberly: Hehehe, this is so funny. Didja catch my cold? Remember, take two tylenol's and call me in the morning. Regurgitor: You're enjoying this, aren't you? Kimberly: Uh huh. Have fun with your sore throat. Regurgitor: When I get better, you better get writin' your will, Pink Dink because you're going to be very dead. Regurgitor retreats. Kimberly gets paged. Kimberly: Achoo!! Alpha, do you read me? Alpha: Yes, Kimberly. Kimberly: Hey, haven't you guys ever thought about giving us sick days? Zordon: Kimberly, are you all right? Kimberly: No! This suit is hot, my head feels like it's going to explode and the smell of this helmet is starting to repulse me. Alpha: What happened to the monster? Kimberly: He caught my flu and took off. Hehe, he'll be barfing for days. Alpha: Keep us posted. Kimberly: Right, Kimberly out. ---------- Zordon: Call the Rangers back, Alpha, the line could be free. Alpha: That's it, Zordon. Did you happen to see the bill? Zordon: No why? Alpha: We have $6,900 worth of calls alone! Not to mention to $9,000 in planetary teleporting. That's almost $16,000!!! Zordon: Call them collect. Alpha: I don't think they'll pay up. Zordon: They'd better if they ever want to get back here. Alpha: But we don't pay them enough to rent a place to sleep! Hey, wait, the line is ringing. Uh, hello, Operator? I would like to make a collect call... SCENE III: Number 2 makes a loud noise and then kicks Tommy in the chest. Tommy falls to the ground on planet Eatalot. Tommy is paged. Tommy: Hi, Zordy, what's up? Zordon: I'm pretty sure I made myself clear when I told you not to call me that. Anyway, when are you gonna get your asses back on Earth? Tommy: I don't know, this fight is getting pretty hairy. Adam: It is? Tommy: Uh huh. Adam (over Tommy's wrist): What's the emergency? Tommy: Hey, use your own communicator! Zordon: A particularly pathetic monster of Lord Bread's has been kicking Kim around. He caught her germs though. Adam: Ppphahahahahahaha!!!! Alpha: He'll be sick for a while. In that case, what do we need the rangers for? Zordon: I don't know, but if they continue to stay on that planet, we'll have to keep taking scenes from that planet, causing us to have to put up with that retchit tinted screening! Baach! Tommy: And? Zordon: Kimberly's sick and fighting alone. Tommy: Kimberly!! Aw man, we gotta wrap this up! Adam: Wait, what if it was me? Tommy: We'd probably let you rot in hell. Adam: I think that's very unfair, Tommy. Tommy: Join the club. We've gotta wrap this thing up! 10 minutes later... all the monsters are found wrapped up in gift boxes. SCENE IV: Back at Lord Bread's... Lord Bread: What is that atrocious sound in the bathroom? We hear Regurgitor throwing up in the sink. Finster: I have some grim news. Rita: Uhhhhh... Finster: But, you'll be happy that I told the truth! Rita: No we won't. Finster: Regurgitor kinda caught Kim's cold. Lord Bread and Rita: WHAT?!?!?! Finster: It wasn't my fault! I swear it! Lord Bread: Of all the STUPID... Regurgitor: Got anything for this sore throat? It really hurts. Lord Bread: Oh for crying out loud. Rita grabs Finster by the shirt and pulls him up off the ground and jams him against the wall. Rita: Finster, would you mind explaining to me why it is Regurgitor is SICK AS A DOG!??! Finster: Umm, well, ya see... the story's quite funny, and... Rita: Times up! Finster: Ummm... ahhhh, uh, this is all a dream. Yeah, yeah. And you, Lord Bread, Goldar and I are all in it. And this is all apart of this horrible dream. I bet Regurgitor is right now tearing Kimberly's bloody corpse limb from limb. Rita begins to let go of Finster's shirt and assumes a hopeful face. Rita: Yeah, yeah... This is all just a terrible nightmare. When I wake up, everything is gonna be okay! Hahaha, boy, what a relief. For a minute there, I thought my plan was blowing up in my face! Hahahaha! Finster: Whew! Regurgitor, move it! We're going to have to fix you up before they find out I just got threw lying my pants off. Regurgitor: A-choo! Rita: Man, this dream sure is taking a long time to end... Finster: NOW! Finster pushes Regurgitor into his office. ---------- We see the Rangers standing around a giant box with Adam drawing on the side an address with a huge marker. A picture of The Power Rangers is on a giant piece of paper with glue on the other side marked "99 cents" as a stamp. Tommy: What are you doing? Adam: Mailing these guys to Abu Dhabi. SCENE V: Bulk and skull are tennis shoes, tights, a leotard and panty-hose over their heads with rubber dishwashing gloves hiding behind boulders in a rual portion of Angel Grave. Skull: Bulk, I'm not comfortable wearing this. It's condemning my manhood. Bulk: Don't worry about that, you'll have plenty of that to show off when we get those babes. And besides, you gave that up when you decided to join up with me. Skull: I didn't _decided_ to be your friend, you bullied me into it. Bulk: Quit your whining and stop hiding your crotch. This could very well be our lucky day. Skull: We better get lucky or I'm going to make you bend over--cause I know you're not wearing underwear this time so if that suit you're wearing splits, you'll be in big trouble. Bulk: Threats will get you nowhere. The two girls pull up in what looks like a $30,000 luxury car. Blonde Girl: Do you see 'em? RedHead Girl: I don't know. Just look for anyone who looks like a clown. Blonde Girl: Right! They drive off. SCENE VI: Meanwhile, at Finster's Workshop. Finster is taking Regurgitor's temperature with a large anal thermometer. We're only seeing the tip of the thermometer and Finster's face. Finster: Okay, now clamp down. Hmmm, this doesn't look good. It looks like you've caught a nasty Earth virus. Regurgitor: Why are you playing George Clooney all of a sudden? Finster: I don't know. Well, anyway, I'm going to have to find a remedy for this condition before we're both out of work. Regurgitor: Funny how you can come up with a cure for the common cold before humans could. Finster: That is because they are a race of the terminally brain-damaged. Regurgitor: What am I going to do!?! Finster: Stay in bed for a week and drink plenty of fluids. Regurgitor: I can't do that, Rita and Bread are already mad at me. I have to go down there and defeat the Pathetic Rangers. Finster: Well not in that condition you are. Regurgitor: But I must! Finster: Oh pish-tash. No other monster's been able to do it, and this is the start of a new season--not the last episode. You're gonna die just like all the other monsters on this show! Regurgitor: Oh no!!! Finster: Uhm, I didn't quite mean it that way... Regurgitor: Really. What way DID you mean it then? Finster: Um, well... I am not authorized to answer that. Now, we've got to fix you up before Rita blasts me. Regurgitor: Blasts you?!?! What about ME?? Finster: Well, see, that doesn't really matter considering you're not the one with a contract that was narrowly renewed for two more years. Regurgitor: Oh, you gotta do somethin'!! Finster: Okay, okay, you big cry baby. But you gotta promise to get lots of rest when this is all over. Regurgitor: Oh, I'll get plenty of rest all right. In Hell! Finster: Whatever... I have something right here. Bend over again. Regurgitor turns around and bends over. Regurgitor: I don't like it when people tell me to bend over. Finster takes out a two foot needle. Regurgitor: Hey, what's that you got there? Finster: Oh just a little remedy. Regurgitor balks when he sees the huge needle aiming for his butt. Regurgitor: No! Give anything, drugs, herbs, syrums, syrup, nasty medicene but anything but... Nooooooooooooo. Finster is seen pushing the needle ahead as the camera zooms in on the wall. SCENE VII: The car pulls up off the main road into a dirt road up to a sign that reads "Rock Bottom City Limits, Population: More than Angel Grave, Nyeah" as it stops again. The girls walk out of the car to see above a small hill a giant neon sign atop a Fisherman's potty with arrows and fingers pointing to it reading "PATHETIC RANGERS HIDEOUT! TOP SECRET! THIS IS IT! CONFIDENTIAL!" The girls stare at each other. Girls: Huh? Blonde Girl: Are you sure this is the place? This looks like the middle of no where. RedHead Girl: That's what those two gay guys said at the Junk Food Bar. Let's keep looking. Bulk and Skull, still hiding behind the boulder, spot the duped girls and assume sly grins on their faces as they pull down the pantyhose on their faces and put two painted pails with eye-holes on their heads. Blonde Girl: I don't know. I told you this "reliable source" was probably a fake. I don't see any Pathetic Rangers. Some eerie effect-noise that sounds like "Chee-chee-chee-chee-chee... ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.." Suddenly, costumed Bulk and Skull jump from behind the boulders. Girls: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGH!!! Bulk: Did somebody say--Pathetic Rangers?? Blonde Girl: You're pathetic--but not the pathetic we expected. RedHead Girl: You're the Pathetic Rangers?? Bulk: That's right. RedHead Girl: Last I remembered, they went in tight, full body uniforms with tight butts, and they didn't have lunch pails on their heads, leotards and rubber gloves. Skull: Uhmmm... ahh, we decided to get a new look. Blonde Girl: Well, here's a tip, it's NOT an improvement. RedHead Girl: How come there are only two of you? Where are your friends? Bulk: Uhhh, Black Ranger, um, went to, take a leak... Skull: And, ahh, Yellow Ranger went to go, uhh, do her laundry... Bulk: And, duh, ah, Pink Ranger had to walk her dog... Skull: And, um, Green Ranger had to go ummm, commit suicide. Bulk: Huh? That didn't help. Skull: I'm sweating like a bull in here, I was under pressure! Blonde Girl: Let's get out of here... Bulk: No wait! Don't you wanna see us on our cool zords?? RedHead Girl: Huh, and what are they? Painted motor-scooters? Skull: They're on to us, Bulkie. Blue Ranger suddenly walks onto this set. Blue: 'Scuse me, I know I'm suppose to be on that planet 99 zillion lightyears away, but, I just have to say, if you keep trying to infringe on us, Bulk and Skull, I'm gonna have to get my lawyers and sue the tights off of you. Skull: Go away, you're ruining our scene. AB Writers: It was pretty shot before he even showed up. Blue: I'm outta here. But you have been fairly warned. Blue Ranger walks off. Suddenly, Regurgitor shows up directly behind Bulk and Skull. Regurgitor: Did somebody say Pathetic Rangers??? Girls: AAAAAAGH! Blonde Girl (sterotypically): Oh, rescue us poor damsels in distress! Skull: Whaddya want us to do about it? Bulk: Shut up, Skull. Blonde Girl: If you're the pathetic Rangers, do something instead of just looking stupid! Skull: Thank you, Bulk. Again, your hair-brained schemes have gotten us on the target-list of someone very threatening. Bulk: Shut up and run!! Costumed Bulk and Skull run off. Bulk and Skull run for the girls, who jump inside their car. Bulk: Okay, girls, I'll level with ya, this was just a giant prank to get you chics laid. But PLEEEEEZE, let us in!! Let us in your car! Skull: Yeah. RedHead Girl: Huh, yeah right. When you fry in hell, tell 'em Wendy sent'cha. The car speeds off. Bulk: But! Aaaaaaaagh! Bulk and Skull run for shelter. SCENE VIII: Back at planet Eatalot... Adam: Abu Dhabi. Number 2 (inside the box): Let me out! Plaque Warriors (inside box): Yeah! Let us out! Adam: You have to say you're sorry. Number 2: I'm sorry. I truly am. Tommy: I don't believe you. Ship 'em. Adam: Okay. Masked Whiner: Aw man, I was supposed to cream 'em using my crotch-sword. Damn you! You barge onto my planet and fight my wars! Thank goodness I'm getting my own show. And you're not going to get to cameo on it either. Tommy (sarcastically): Oh man, how unfair. Anything but that. Masked Whiner: Well, now I have to de-morph. Masked Whiner touches his belt of power and changes back into his robed self as Pez again. SCENE IX: Back on Maggot's ship... Number One: Here it comes. Maggot: FOOLS!! You screwed up again! Sukup: Package for Mr. Count Maggot. Suddenly, five gift-wrapped boxes with the words "WRONG ADDRESS" marked on it are shot into the living room threw the laundry chute. Maggot: What is this? Maggot opens the box and the Peach Cobbler Warriors, the Plaque Patrol and Number 2 ruggedly climb out. Maggot: Oh lord! You are a bunch of incompetant morons! Never have I had the displeasure to encounter such ignorance! You disgrace me! Just looking at your faces makes me want to slash them with a dull steak knife! Now, geewoo... Number One: Ohhkay. Maggot: We shall meet again, Pez, Mez, Zez and all your other buffons. We shall have our own TV show in just one week. So you better watch out! COUNT MAGGOT'S COMING TO TOWN! SCENE X: At Bread's, he is found spying on Earth watching Regurgitor chaise Bulk and Skull around the two girl's car. Lord Bread: Hahaha! I love it, do you see this, Rita? They're acting like fools! Rita: So? Lord Bread: You're right, that line did stink. Who wrote that? AB Director: Levy. Lord Bread: Of course. Rita: Time for the show to end! I mean... Let's make our monster to grow, whoo hoo. Lord Bread: Here comes the pitch! Lord Bread forms the banana peeling in his hand, winds it up and throws it down to earth. The spinning ends of the peeling flies through the air. ---------- It splaters in Regurgitor's face causing and explosion making him grow. Skull is found on the ground kicking and screaming... Skull: Oh please, let us in! Bulk: Skull, they've already driven off! Skull: Oh. Suddenly, they see the huge monster. Bulk: Oh sh... Skull: No time for that, let's get outta here before he thinks we're Pathetic Rangers. He's HUGE now! Bulk: I've got an idea, let's get out of this costume. They start taking off their clothes until they get to their tights. They grab hold of their tights and get ready to pull them down when they abruptly stop. AB Writer: Hold it. Do the words indecent exposure mean anything to you? Bulk: We're not indecent. Skull: Yeah, but would you want to be caught running through the streets naked? Bulk: Who cares! I'd rather let that happen than to get turned into jelly by that monster up there! Bulk and Skull run behind a boulder and take off the tights and all their clothes from the costume and throw them on the boulder and take off into the streets running and screaming naked. AB Writers: [Sigh] What a disgrace. Why DID we hire them? Bulk and Skull are found behind a boulder when they put their tights on top of it as they run off into the bushes. SCENE XI: At the command center... Kimberly is standing in the middle with her cold and her helmet off. Zordon: Hmmmm... Theoretically, the alarm would've went off because that monster has grown--like he has in the past 88 episodes. Alpha: Oh.. right. Aye yi yi. Kimberly: A-choo! A-choo! A-choo! Zordon: Can you like cool that down? There is no ventalation in here. No windows. When you sneeze the germs are stored up and stay in here forever. I remember the last time I got sick. This place was in a shambles. Alpha: Oh yeah, like THAT hasn't happened a dozen times over. Kimberly: Why are my friends not here? Zordon: I think they thought you left the show already. Kimberly: Aaaargh! You didn't have to tell 'em! Now they're gonna cry! Zordon: Ooops. Observe the viewing globe. Kimberly: Now there's an advantage to leaving--never having to hear that ANNOYING phrase. Zordon: You don't think I hate it? I dream of dying everytime I come in to record Zordon's lines. Anyway, Finster played doctor and fixed up the monster. He's back and he's grown. Alpha: Aye yi yi! What are we going to do NOW? Kimberly: Well lemme see, from the irritating pattern since day one, I'd estimate that we usually call our zords, get into a 5 minute long battle and blow them up? Alpha: That might work. Kimberly: What do you mean might? Zordon: Shut up and get out of here. Kimberly: I can't DO that until my friends come!! Zordon: D'oh! They're in big trouble if they don't come in 2 minutes. SCENE XII: On Eatalot... Lez: Are you guys gonna leave now? Tommy: Oh, sure, no problem, I appreciate it. You're welcome. Pez: Ugh, humans have this strange thing on their planet called--gratitude. Ummm, thanks for everything, yatty yatty yatta... Here's a bowl of fruit, so long, scram. Aisha: Remind me never to vacation here. The service sucks. Billy: Yeah, next time some evil goon comes to wipe your butts dry, you can forget about us coming. The whole reason we even came to this gutter-hole is because Alpha was gonna get on our nerves if we let your planet go to hell. Zez: You're still here? Tommy: Seeya later, chumps. The rangers teleport off the planet. SCENE XIII: The rangers' teleportation stripes disappear--again--in mid-air and the rangers fall to the floor and are scattered over the Earth's ground. Tommy: Aaugh! Zordon (over communicator): Sorry, I couldn't get you back to earth at the same time have you land safely. Austin: Now what do we do? Alpha: Well, you've been fooling around too long. Kim nearly died in that battle. Zordon: No she didn't. She had the protection of her germs. Adam: Ya already told us about it on Eatalot. We know what to do. Rocky: We do our thing? Tommy: You got it! SCENE XIV: Lord Bread is seen throwing things as Rita steps up to the Balcony ducking the flying furnature. Lord Bread: Curses! Rita: What's wrong with you now? Forget to take your Metamusil? Lord Bread: No! Those damn Rangers are back! Rita: And you said Maggot was evil. Lord Bread: Don't get me started on him. Now our plan is doomed. We KNEW this was the most lowest class, fifth rate, B Grade monster we could have ever come up with and since the Zords can do work alone, we could've had them. Rita: Finster! I wanna know why this dream is not stopping? Finster: Ah, Dream!? Who said anything about a dream? Rita: Stop changing your story, buster. I put money on this guy! Finster: Ah... Don't worry, he's not sick anymore, he'll. Rita: If it weren't for that waste of time, we could've had 'em. Ulll!! Finster: I'm still getting my check, aren't I? Lord Bread: You'll be lucky if we don't string you up by your TOES for this! ---------- The Rangers do an ultra-corny Zord paging sequence. All: We need blunder heapajunka mega zord power, now! Adam: Majormess/Cowardly Lion BlunderZord Power Black Ranger waves his arms around, gets dizzy and falls down. Billy: Tribladdertops/Acorn BlunderZord Power Blue Ranger waves his arms around, gets a crick in his back and falls forward frozen up. Aisha: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat/Muffin BlunderZord Power Yellow Ranger waves her arms throw the air and tries to correct each move when it's cut to show the Zord changing forms. Kimberly: Pterodorky/TiredBird BlunderZord Power Pink Ranger jerks her arms similarly to the old stock footage but bends over, loses her balance and rolls over as her legs hit the camera. Rocky: Trashosaurus/Red-Spinal Column BlunderZord Power Red Ranger plays it safe and moves very little. Austin: RhinoZord Power! Tommy: White Cider Power CiderZord Power UP?! That's too long... The CiderZord charges into the scenery as Tommy jumps on top the Zord and leaps inside. The BlunderZords crash together and form the BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord. All: BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord power up! Tommy: All right! White CiderZord! Let's get busy! Austin: We're all geared up. We're gonna take out this bozo before that dumb CiderZord does. Heh-heh. AB Writers: Did you say something? Austin: Uhh, no. I just said I like the dashboard. Hehehehe. Let's roll. Regurgitor: Are we ready now? AB Writers: Uh huh. Regurgitor swings his arm and prepares to strike the BlunderZord. The CiderZord grabs hold of Regurgitor's arm. Tommy: We're gonna have to trim those awful fingernails. They are just much too sharp. Ever considered getting a manicure? Regurgitor: Let me go or I swear I'll... The RhinoZord throws its butt at Regurgitor. Regurgitor falls to the ground. Regurgitor: Oh, the little fat zord wants to play, eh? Well take this! Regurgitor wraps its slimey-red tongue around the RhinoZord. Explosions galore. Austin: Aaagh! Aw man! Geez! Rocky: Uh oh, Austin's in trouble. Better save 'um. All: Right! The BlunderZord uses its arm to cut the tongue off. Regurgitor: Aaaach! Ouchy wawa! That smarts!! You're gonna get creamed for that one! All Rangers: BlunderZord, power, ehhh, ummm, insult... You're a toe-nail sucking crap-eater! Now, the BlunderZord power smack-eroo! The BlunderZord smacks Regurgitor. Tommy: Have I not seen anything any dumber? In a U.S. take, the BlunderZord smacks Regurgitor again and sparks fly out of him. Rocky: What's with the sparks? Is this monster made of wires 'er something? Tommy: I checked. It's just curtains, Rocky. Austin: I don't even wanna know. Regurgitor: You wanna get a piece of me? Well, here it is! Regurgitor throws some green blood-cell like things at the Zords and everything explodes. Adam: Gang way!! The rangers are tossed around in their zord. Rocky: This is not good, we have to get up. Austin: Why you twisted old monster! Nnngh!! Austin turns a lever and the RhinoZord flies into the air and lands its 2000 pound body on Regurgitor. Regurgitor: Gaagh! Get it off me! Awww man it hurts! Tommy: Show-off. Get up, Austin. Austin: Okay. Hee-hee. Tommy: Let's see what this CiderZord baby can do! 5 seconds later... The CiderZord falls to the ground smoking. Casaba: You are a disgrace to anyone who's decided to get a career on TV as a superhero. Tommy: Casaba... When I want your opinion, I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU!!! Casaba: Hahahaha. What a brat you are. Rocky: Welp, that's enough excitement for one episode. Let's get this over with. The BlunderZord pulls its sword out of its holster. Regurgitor clasps his hands together, falls to his knees and starts praying. All Rangers: BlunderSavor, power up! Tommy: Any of you guys wonder why it is that this episode doesn't pertain AT ALL to the movie Haim Saban dumped millions into?? Rocky: The writer tells me I'm not suppose to notice. Now let's never speak of it again. BLUNDERSAVOR, GET THIS OVER WITH! The BlunderZord powers up its sword into a yellow laser and it slashes Regurgitor. Regurgitor's destroyed with a weak explosion. Austin's mouth drops open. Austin: Damn! And I was winning too! Tommy: Well, here's something you'll be sure to learn... No one's zord besides the main zord wins. Pretty raw deal, eh? These zords are worthless. Austin: I'll say. I'm gonna get a squishee. Billy: No you won't. We have one more scene. Austin: Augh. Does the madness ever end?!?!? SCENE XV: At Lord Bread's... Lord Bread: You saw what happened down there! Goldar: Yup. Lord Bread: If Count Maggot ever hears of this, he'll never put in a good word for me to the Intergalactic Association of Evil-Dooers and Henious Types. I'll get those Ranger yet, it'll take me a while but it'll happen. And just WHAT are you two doing, Squatt and Booboo?? Baboo: That's Bab... Nevermind. Squatt: Just making non-vocalized cameos to pick up our 300 dollar paycheck for the week, sir! Rita: Well stop running around like a bunch of chickens without heads! Baboo: Yes, sir, uhmmm, mmm, ma'am... uh, you're evilness... uh bye! SCENE XVI: Bulk and Skull walk back in the Junk Food Bar in their underwear only trying to plead with the two girls. Bulk: But, c'mon, pleeze! Blonde Girl: As if you pieces of trash deserved the time of day, that was the most humiliating thing we have ever done and I HATE you! HA-TE you! Skull: C'mon! We were just playing! We're really nice people. RedHead Girl: And to think we actually thought these losers knew the Pathetic Rangers. Let's ditch these geeks. Remind me to get a restraining order against you. Blonde Girl: Wait up, I'll be right back. Blonde Girl walks up to Bulk and Skull and slaps them and walks off. Bulk: Oww. Skull: We really sunk low this time, Bulk. I feel like gum stuck to an old man's shoe right now. I wish I could just crawl in a manhole and die right now. Ernie: Don't come in my bar in your underwear. We have a dress-code, you morons. And I told you about harassing my customers--this isn't good for my business. Now, I don't wanna have to ban you from coming here like I had to last year. So straighten up, or get out. Bulk: Aww, come on, Ernie! You couldn't do that to me! We're like soul mates, man! Us fat guys who are so repugnant we couldn't turn on a hippopotamus have to stick together! Let's wallow in our slob-dome and be happy! Ernie: Oh, and you're gonna be insulting on top of it. Well, here's what I have for you two. We cut to a scene of Ernie's public men's room. The door opens and Bulk and Skull are throw inside as they hit the floor. Ernie: And don't come out until these sinks, toilets and mirrors are so sparkling and shiney you need sunglasses to look at them! Ernie slams the door. Skull: Could this day have gotten any worse?? Two rats run back and forth around the bathroom. Skull: [Weep, Weep] Bulk: Skull, when I come up with another plan involving the Pathetic Rangers, staple my mouth shut. Skull: I would be happy to! And for no extra charge, I'd be glad to gut you! Bulk: Knock it off. Here's a mop. Two hunky guys walk into the bathroom. Blonde Guy: Heheheh. Hey losers, how's it goin'? Bulk: Just horrible. Brown-Haired Guy: Hehehe, you wouldn't believe this, but this Blonde Chic named Mindy and this Red-Head named Wendy just hooked up with us a minute ago. Blonde Guy: Isn't it great? They said they were harassed by some fat pig and some skinney guy faking it like they were superheroes. Man, guys like that really disgust me. Brown-Haired Guy: Welp, gotta go. Bulk: Yeah, sure. Aaaargh. SCENE XVII: At the Command Center, the Rangers are standing side by side watching Alpha mouth off. Alpha: Oh I'm so thrilled to learn that Lexus is safe and sound on Eatalot. Zordon: Which means that if anything were to happen to Alpha that I could order a new robot. Hmmm, maybe I could even get Johnny 5. Alpha: Dred that flash-dancing robot! Anyway, because you Rangers went there, they have drawn the attention of Maggot away from Eatalot. AB Writer: A perfect way to introduce yet another action series that lacks clever and witty writing by dragging Maggot and Pez to Earth. Joy. Zordon: Yes, well, anyway. Good job Rangers. Tommy: That Masked Whiner was sure annoying. Rocky: Yep, but then, he was the centerpiece to this whole episode. It was intended to transfer fans of this show to that other show so it would have more success than BS Trippers did. Billy: That was the bomb. Hehehe. Zordon: It is evident that Lexus was desperate when he chose Pez to be the Masked Whiner. Adam: What do you think will happen to the Hehoo-Eatalots? Zordon: Lexus and Masked Whiner will eventually prevail to discharge Maggot and his forces from Eatalot. Other than that, I don't give a crap. Billy: I'm just so sad we couldn't spend another day there and get to know the Hehoo-Eatalots, especially Pez! Before someone attacks me for that incredibly sappy line, I'd just like to say, I was reading the cue-cards. It is evident the Hehoo-Eatalots probably have disease and parasites that could greatly conquer us all. Zordon: I'm sure we would have a lot to learn from them. Billy: Like what? How to tie our shoes? Zordon: As Billy just stated, I, too, was only reading the cue-cards. Tommy: Say, why isn't Kimberly here? Zordon: Oh, umm, she had to give back her mug... Her special place in Shuki Levy's office, say goodbye to the co-workers she did, um, pack up her things, sign her last autographs... Alpha: No! Her STAGE reason! Zordon: Oh! Kimberly was too sick to stay here. If she had've, you would've all caught her germs for this place has no ventalation. SCENE XVIII: In a seemingly vacant room with lots of smoke and fog on the floor on the planet Eatalot, Pez approaches his father, who has a beard that is down to his feet with hair down to his legs--both snow white. Pez: Grandfather. Lexus: Pez, it is time... Pez: To finally take off this nicotine patch on my forehead? If so, thank goodness. I was rather getting sick of wearing it. Lexus: No, you fool! Geez. It's time for you to finally stop living with me and get your own place, Pez. Pez's Troll-Crystal/Nicotene Patch begins lighting up and down. Lexus: Are you nervous or horny? Pez: No. Just sad. Lexus: Why? Pez: Because, I blew all my cash on buying this Cashmere robe. When my friends saw me wearing it, they wanted one. So I bought Lez, Mez and Zez one too. Lexus: Zez who? Pez: Don't start with that! Lexus: Welp, seeya later, son. This overacting is really beginning to work on my stomach workings. Pez sadly hugs Lexus as our show finally closes. AB Writers: I hope this has been as much fun for you as it has been for me. Well, good night, folks. THE END (C) 1995 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... The rangers find a new way to kill off time by getting involved with a VolleyBall tourney with their rival team, Rock Bottom Canyon, who happen to be obnoxious jerks--unlike the utopian Angel Grave... Rock Bottom Dude #1: We're gonna eat you for breakfast, Rocky, Adam and Aisha. You're traitors, man! Rocky: Aw c'mon!! We didn't want the shooting and the riots, huh? You can't persecute us for wanting our very lives to be in one piece! Rock Bottom Dude #2: You should've went down with your county just like the other 355 citizens who died last year! Austin: Kiss grits, nimrods. Two evil presences appeared to give Rita and Lord Bread a headache-filled visit! Goldar approaches a door and opens it. Goldar: Hello? On the other side is Doormat carrying luggage. Doormat: COUSIN! Doormat approaches the door as Goldar slams it in his face. Goldar: AUGH!! No!! Wait a sec. There's no one at the door. Yeah. I was just dreaming. I'll just go lie down and watch "Baywatch," yeah, that's the ticket. Boy was I worried. I had myself going for a minute there. Doormat's knocking at the door. Doormat: I know you're in there, Goldar! Open up! ---------- Lord Bread: I know you're up to something, Doormat. You didn't save my wife. You're just trying to sneak in. Doormat: Did it work? Lord Bread: Not really. But all right! Just THIS ONE TIME, I'm gonna let you in. But I better not see your face in mine EVER and you are sleeping in the most fourth-rate room I have in this building. Doormat: Ooooh, do ya mean it? The other was a skeletal beast crawling under the bowels of the planet... Monster: Man, crashing into the moon at a million miles an hour sure is enough to give me a crick in my neck! Ouch! Now then, I thought I'd never find this place. I should've taken that left turn at Albequerque. The monster takes some little ball from out of a sack on his left hip. Monster: Be a nice little spot to nest these babies. The monster walks over to a crater filled with red and grey eggs and places a smaller egg in the pile. Monster: I'll see you dudes later. Fer now, I gotta pay my old bud Rita Repulsive and, uh, er um, whatsit's face a visit! Sleep tight! Are the rangers willing to fight this incredibly flamboyant beast? Will Billy hold his own chess match just to laugh in the face of his much hunkier rivals? Will the rangers ever do the zord-call poses right? Can they defeat the monster without calling their zords? Are these joke questions beginning to suck? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!