Introducing Wendee Day as Scorpina Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Ninja Mess, Part I" Parody of, "Ninja Quest, Part I SCENE I: In Angel Grave Park... There's a Huge Banner set up that reads "OBLIGATORY VOLLEYBALL CHAMPIONSHIP. ANGEL GRAVE VS. ROCK BOTTOM CANYON. FREE HOT DOGS AT THE END." There's a Volleyball tent set up dividing Rock Bottom Canyon and Angel Grave. Several citizens are rooting for their team. A referee stands in the middle holding a green ball who looks like Brad Pitt. Referee: We will now begin the final game in the Volleyball championship. Billy: Isn't this cool or what? We get to do everything! Rock Bottom Dude #1: We're gonna eat you for breakfast, Rocky, Adam and Aisha. You're traitors, man! Rocky: Aw c'mon!! We didn't want the shooting and the riots, huh? You can't persecute us for wanting our very lives to be in one piece! Rock Bottom Dude #2: You should've went down with your county just like the other 355 citizens who died last year! Austin: Kiss grits, nimrods. Ernie: The winners get free lunch at my new outdoor cafe for only 5 bucks! Bulk: You're just like Network TV after the super Bowl, Ernie. Just endorsing this to make a buck. Ernie: I hate sports, I hate athletic wear, I hate Volleyball. Ernie only looks out for one person--Ernie! Skull: Does that lunch include fans? Ernie: No, it does not. And it ain't free neither. Bulk: Then why'd you say it is? Ernie: Ever heard of the "Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes" technique? Tommy: All right, guys! We came this far. Let's cream 'em! Rocky: You said it. Kimberly is seen trying to pull down a high-cut shirt that looks like the others' suits. Kimberly: Why am I the one in the skimpiest suit of them all? Tommy: The fans like it that way. And so do I... Tommy moves closer to Kimberly and starts kissing her. Billy: Hey! Hey! Hey! Break it up, guys! Kimberly: Don't you remember, Billy? I dumped you. Billy: You are just too mean, Kim. Tommy throws the ball into the air over the net. The other team throws it back, and so forth and so forth. SCENE II: Back at Bread's evil dungeon (formerly Bread's International House of Waffles). Lord Bread is walking with a blindfolded Rita... Rita: I can't see, Bread! Is this some kind of trick? The last time you did this to me, I ended up thrown over the balcony. Lord Bread: Well, it's become apparent that the AB Writers insist we stay together, so I'm not trying to kill you. Rita is led to an object covered by a red cloth with a giant B on it with Lord Bread's picture on it. Bread takes off the blindfold and the cover of the object. Lord Bread: VOILA! Rita (unshocked): It's my old telescope. Lord Bread: No! Don't you see? It looks different when you look threw it. Rita: It still looks the same, you cheapass! Goldar: If I hadn't told him it was your anniversary today, it would've been cheaper than that. How good can you buy when you only have 2 hours to spare? Lord Bread: SHUT UP, YOU BUMBLING FOOL! GO TO YOUR PAINROOM! Goldar: Hahahaha, don't worry. I already exposed you. Rita: YOU FORGOT OUR... Lord Bread: Shhhh! You're making me look like a cad! Rita: That's because you are! I'll put up with this. But you'll be sleeping on the couch tonight! Lord Bread: Damn. So glad you like it, my dear! Rita: But I don't. Lord Bread: Just fake it, all right?!!? Rita: Okay. Lord Bread: Do you like it? Rita: I LOVE it! Lord Bread: I got it at Ross! Wait a minute! That's not right! AAAARGH! I HATE THAT AD! Oh well, it was just a little gift to commemorate our anniversary. Rita: How long have we been married? Lord Bread: I don't remember! I don't have the foggiest idea! Goldar: Don't worry. Once those painkillers start to wear off, you'll remember what happened to you eight months ago. Rita: Quiet! My potion erased his memory! I don't want you jogging it! Goldar: I'm loving this! DING DONG! Goldar: Excuse me. I'll get that one moment. Goldar approaches a door and opens it. Goldar: Hello? On the other side is Doormat carrying luggage. Doormat: COUSIN! Doormat approaches the door as Goldar slams it in his face. Goldar: AUGH!! No!! Wait a sec. There's no one at the door. Yeah. I was just dreaming. I'll just go lie down and watch "Baywatch," yeah, that's the ticket. Boy was I worried. I had myself going for a minute there. Doormat's knocking at the door. Doormat: I know you're in there, Goldar! Open up! Goldar: I'm even having hallucinations of his voice! I musta took a major spill in that first season episode. Doormat kicks the door down. Goldar: AAAGH! It's turning into a physical hallucination! Stay back! Doormat: I'm very real! Would you mind explaining why I was standing out there in the cold for 5 minutes? Goldar: Get out. Doormat: No way, Jose! I got evicted. Goldar: Why? Doormat: I had some chic in there. The sex was good, but my neighbor complained it was too loud. Goldar: Ewwww! I don't wanna hear about it! Doormat: I have to stay here. Goldar: Well, we could always use an additional kiss-ass. Come right in! You can take Squatt and Baboo's room and Squatt can sleep in the wine cellar. Doormat: Splendid idea. Geez, you'd think with a place as big as this, you could get more rooms. Goldar: They're for old monsters waiting to get reused. It's become a permanent fall-back plot. Rita: Can I look threw it now, Bread? Lord Bread: Uh, sure. Lord Bread skips in front of the telescope. Rita: ACK! What is that ugly... BREAD! Get out of the way! Lord Bread: Sorry. Rita looks threw the scope and sees the gang playing Volleyball on Earth. Rita: I see, Billy never did improve on his Volleyball technique. Goldar: Everyone! I'd like you to meet Doormat. Lord Bread: That freeloading pig? Doormat: Just who are you calling a pig? Goldar: You are one, stupid! Lord Bread: Why is he visiting? Squatt and Baboo already finished their group therapy. We don't need him anymore. Goldar: Oh, but you see, he's moving in. Lord Bread: Like hell he is! Doormat: But I have nowhere to go! Lord Bread: Oh save it for the ABC Family Movie! I am not going to let that disgusting hog into my beautifully furnished abode. Now get out! Goldar: Hey! I'll be willing to take that kind of verbal abuse myself, but no one talks that way about my family but me! Now you're gonna let him in! Lord Bread: No I'm not! Goldar: Yes you are! Lord Bread: No I'm not! Goldar: Yes you are! Lord Bread: No I'm not! Goldar: Yes you are! Lord Bread: No I'm not! Goldar: Yes you are! ---------- Goldar is thrown out the door and so is Doormat. Lord Bread: I told you I wasn't! Doormat: What are we gonna do now? Goldar: Looks like you'll be taking the wine cellar now. I'll sneak you in. ---------- Lord Bread: The nerve. Thinking I'M gonna let his slimey little cousin in. Rita: I love this thing! Now I can watch all 250 cable channels and Pay-Per-View! Lord Bread: What about spying on the rangers? Rita: That's for you to do! Lord Bread: Then I apparently bought this thing for nothing. I'm going to lie down. Lord Bread walks away then stops and turns around. Lord Bread: What's that jetting noise? Suddenly, a comet-like fireball is hurtling towards the moon. Lord Bread (really quickly): Oh no it's gonna crash HIT THE DECK! Rita and Bread both fall to the floor as there is a great quake-like shake. The fireball slams into the moon. Goldar: Now do as I say, and you can get in, Doormat. Doormat: Yeah yeah, all right. RITA! I saved your life! Rita: No you didn't! Doormat: You are too shaken to remember, but I carried you and glided into the air when that horrible crash hit. Lord Bread: I don't ever remember that. And didn't I tell you to get out? Doormat: You must not remember. I am your hero. Rita: Hmmmm... Well, I guess he's telling the truth. Lord Bread: I know you're up to something, Doormat. You didn't save my wife. You're just trying to sneak in. Doormat: Did it work? Lord Bread: Not really. But all right! Just THIS ONE TIME, I'm gonna let you in. But I better not see your face in mine EVER and you are sleeping in the most fourth-rate room I have in this building. Doormat: Ooooh, do ya mean it? ---------- We zoom in on Billy, who is looking disturbed. Billy: What was that? Rocky: Yo Billy, what gives, man? Billy: Did you guys hear that sonic boom? Rocky: Might have been Aisha's butt crashing into the sand during a Volleyball game. Billy: No! It sounded like a huge crash! Adam: Just what Rocky said. Aisha: Adam! Adam: Sorry. Austin: Whatever it is, I don't EVEN wanna know. Rock Bottom Dude #1: Hey losers, we gonna play or we gonna yak? Austin: We'll play. Rock Bottom Dude #1: Well then let's get it on, chickens. Tommy: I'm gonna eat you for breakfast just for being obnoxious. Kimberly: Okay. We are going to play. We are going to play like THIS! Kimberly raises her shirt in front of Rock Bottom Dude #1 and he faints. Kimberly: Hahahah. Truth is, I was wearing a bra. What a yutz. GET 'EM ADAM! Adam: This chic's mine. Adam approaches the net and looks glum in front of a girl. Adam: I'm a hog. Rock Bottom Chic: AAAAAHH!!!! The Chic faints. Rock Bottom Dude #2: Snap out of it, you idiot! Rock Bottom Chic: He said `I'm a hog'... Ahhhhhh... Rock Bottom Dude #2: You're going to let that transparent line get to you? Rock Bottom Chic: Hey, Rock Bottom Dude #1 let Kim's transparent bra get to him. Rock Bottom Dude #1: That's IT! No gimmicks. We play, a'right? Adam: All right. And read a book! The rangers go back to their VolleyBall game. ---------- Back at the crash site on the moon... It's a dark setting as two 9 inch long claws latch onto the dirt of the moon. SCENE III: On the moon... An evil, skeletal, yet costume-like monster with skeletal shoulder-pads rises out of a crater in the moon with steam going up the hole (for effect). His head raises quickly and his eyes glow red as his foot steps on the ground. This beast starts wringing his neck. Monster: Man, crashing into the moon at a million miles an hour sure is enough to give me a crick in my neck! Ouch! Now then, I thought I'd never find this place. I should've taken that left turn at Albequerque. The monster takes some little ball from out of a sack on his left hip. Monster: Be a nice little spot to nest these babies. The monster walks over to a crater filled with red and grey eggs and places a smaller egg in the pile. Monster: I'll see you dudes later. Fer now, I gotta pay my old bud Rita Repulsive and, uh, er um, whatsit's face a visit! Sleep tight! The monster invades Lord Bread's castle by shooting into it. Lord Bread: I'm just saying if you didn't spend so much on makeup, we'd have enough money to pay our bills! Rita: We really could do without this fog machine behind your throne. Lord Bread: We NEED that to make me look big and important! The monster crashes into Bread's living room. Lord Bread: AAAAGH! What is it?! Get it away from me! Goldar! You take care of it! Lord Bread grabs a chair and starts quickly throwing it forward like a lion tamer. Lord Bread: Back! Goldar: Just let the useless warrior take care of all the sloppy, scary duties. Well fine! I will once again dispose of the creep. Goldar grabs the skeletal monster by the back and raises his foot back in the air getting ready to boot him out. Rita: Stop that, Goldar! Drop him! Goldar drops him. Lord Bread: Don't listen to her! She's crazy! Goldar picks him up again ready to boot him out. Rita: Put him down! Goldar drops him again. Goldar: Dammit! Make up your mind! You're driving me batty! Lord Bread: Throw it out! Get rid of it! Take it and throw it out the... Rita: Lord Bread, shut up! Lord Bread: Don't take that tone with me, woman! Rita: Dammit Bread, this is my brother, you blubbering fool! Cheeto: Aw man. I am hurting in places I never knew I had right now. Rita: CHEETO REPUGNANT! Cheeto: Rita Repulsive! Baboo: Well, at least their surnames match up with their personalities. Rita: What are you doing here? I thought you joined the Navy! Cheeto: I did! But they kicked me out when the nuclear radiation bomb caused me to mutate into what I am today. Lord Bread: I don't believe this. It's like I have NO control over my own place anymore! First Doormat, now this moron. Why don't I just let the entire state of Montana move in!?! Rita: Oh stop pouting! Lord Bread: Tell me something, WHY are you being so nice to this atrocious moron? Do you know this klutz or something? Rita: Thems are fightin' words! And of COURSE I know him! He's my brother, idiot! Lord Bread: But there's ABSOLUTELY NO resemblence! Rita: He was adopted okay? But he still would do things like put Jello in the shower pipes when we were little. Cheeto: Oh the good ol' days we had! Squatt: Rita has a brother? Wow! I thought she said all her relatives died! Cheeto: You did, sis? That was not nice. Rita: It's embarrassing. Cousin Ella May and Cousin Jeb got married and they were first cousins! What a terrible family. Baboo: Oh goody! We never have anyone to play with! Squatt: Wanna play dominos with us and Doormat? Lord Bread: Leave right this moment. Baboo: Uhhh, yes, sir. Goldar: Ooo, I knew I smelled something rotting like year-old fish. Cheeto: Oh you mean my flesh? Oh I keep it in this napsack all the time! Goldar: Eww, take that outta here before it starts killing something. SCENE IV: In the command center... Zordon: Alpha, have you located the soure of the disturbance on the moon? Alpha: Not really, no. Say, you're voice has gone back to normal, why? Zordon: Oh, it's nothing really. Just a little chat I had with my good buddy Jeremy Feet, ya know, our ADR mixer? Alpha: What kind of chat? Zordon: Oh, I simply said that if he didn't stop making me sound like a Chipmunk, I'd have to kick his butt in. Alpha: How? Zordon: Oh, just report to everyone that little incident between him and Cheryl Saban in the elevator. Alpha: Eeeee... Anyway, the parametric extromidor is getting an attitude again! Zordon: The what? Alpha: I made it up. Zordon: I knew I never saw a para, whatever on my tax reciepts. And stop faking it like you're a dependance! I nearly got burried by the IRS for that stunt! Alpha: Sorry, Zordon. Zordon: Well, whatever it is, you must fix it rapidly otherwise we will no longer be able to listen in on the bugs from which have been planted in Lord Bread's castle. Alpha: Ahh. If we heard so much, why can't we wipe him out? I mean, isn't that how the princess found out Rumplestilskin's name? Zordon: Plot hole number 499. We're almost hitting the half a thousand mark! Alpha: I'm moving as fast as I can! Alpha begins moving at a very, VERY VERY slow pace in his walk. Zordon: SCENE V: The score of the soccer game is Angel Grave: 2; Rock Bottom Canyon: 19. Tommy: We're LOSING, GUYS! This sucks! Billy, I really wish you wouldn't get caught up in the Volleyball net the next time you jump in the air to bop the ball. Billy: Sorry. Kimberly: Did you EVER play this game after "Pathetic Ranger Flunks," Billy? Billy: Sheeah, uh, yeah. Tommy: Then why do you stink so bad?! Billy: Sticks and stones will break my bones... Rock Bottom Dude #1: And so will we! Let's goof on 'em! Tommy: Billy, you're sitting in the penalty box. Billy: But there IS none! Tommy: There is now. Go! Billy: Aww! Billy sits at a bench away from the game and sits there with his fists on his cheeks in a pout-like way. The others continue in the game. Rock Bottom Dude #2 hits the ball, which hits Aisha in the head and she falls down. Tommy: You're up next, Austin. Austin whips out a tennis racket and bounces the ball like that. Tommy: That's cheating. I like you're style. Austin: Thanks, Tommy. Suddenly, Angel Grave's score begins going up. SCENE VI: We take another useless shot on the moon of the eggs that Cheeto planted through Rita's shiney new telescope. ---------- Rita: What the... Hey you! There are a bunch of eggs planted under the castle! Cheeto: I know, I'm the one who put them up here. Cheeto starts playing with Lord Zedd's `X' staff. Rita: You nimrod, you don't plan on blowing this place up, do you? Cheeto: No... It's a surprise. Rita: Like I asked, you don't plan on blowing this place up, do you? Cheeto: Whatsa matter? You don't trust your little brother? Rita: Hey, weren't you the little perverted rugrat that snuck into the bathroom while I was taking a shower while we were kids? Cheeto: Oh yeah, I'm still makin' money off those polaroids. Goldar: EWW!! God, this guy has no morals! Lord Bread grabs the staff out of Cheeto's hands. Lord Bread: Maybe that is what we have been looking for and, just so that you know... THIS IS NOT A TOY!! Cheeto: Sorry, Ed. Lord Bread: BREAD, you idiot! Bread, it's been that way the day before to day, the day before yesterday, the day before that day and the one before it! And, for your information, that is _LORD_ Bread to you! Cheeto: Whatever you say, Fred. Lord Bread: Remind me to give you a room next to our utility closet where our infestation breeds. Cheeto: Sounds like fun! Rita: Wait a minute! You aren't about to put my little brother in that rat infested hole in the wall! He is going to sleep with us. And since you will be sleeping on the couch for the entire week for completely forgetting our eight-month aniversary, that wont be much of a problem, now will it? Lord Bread: Aw, come on honey! What about the sex? Rita: Who ever said I was givin' it up in the first place? Lord Bread: I'm going to have to reconsider the validity of this marriage since it seems as though it has yet to be consimated. Rita: Elll, the thought of that already makes my blood run cold. Cheeto: Speaking of cold blood, Ed... I can git rid of those pesky Pathetic Rangers for you. Lord Bread: Ha-ha-ha! Don't make me laugh, knucklehead. I've been workin' at it for dozens and dozens of episodes, everyone has been wantin' to get a crack at it but they never come through. What can convince me that a backwards, hill-billy hick like yourself is actually going to be that wonderful dream come true? Cheeto: Couldn't be any worse than you. Lord Bread: That's an insult. Cheeto: Oh you're quick. Lord Bread: I have just discovered an intense dislike for you! Cheeto: Tell ya what, I'll demonstrate my services for free, and if you like them, you can hire me. Lord Bread: Okay. Cheeto: That'll be $750 in advance. Lord Bread: What for!?!?! Cheeto: Just in case you decide you don't want me. Lord Bread: But I thought you said this was for free? Cheeto: Yeah, I guess I did, didn't I? Lord Bread gets up and starts pacing around thinking to himself. Lord Bread: You know, I've really oughta stop having company come over, and... Lord Bread turns around to see Rita writting a check out of a book with the special X on the back of the check book. Lord Bread: Rita! What do you think you're doing? Those are my checks! Were you actually going to PAY this sham? Rita: Uh... I was just a... Lord Bread (snatching the book back): Give me that! Lord Bread tears out the check and rips it up and blows the pieces into thin air. Lord Bread: Listen up, Cheeto. I don't know where you get off coming into my palace and start callin' the shots but around here I make the rules and I say I'm THIS close to making you into dog food! Finster sneaks into the scene. Rita: Where'd you come from? Go away! Finster: But it's my scene! Read the script! Rita: It's Cheeto's scene if you hadn't noticed. Finster: Ever since this jerk came in, you treat me like dog meat. Rita: Beat it! Finster: All right. Rita: I have a great plan! We send Cheeto down with a fistfull of monsters... Finster (talking over her): Ah ha... I see! Rita: ..and then... Finster (getting louder): I see, I really see, this is when I... Rita: SHUT UP! I was still talking!! Cheeto will be a decoy! Cheeto: COOL! Uh, what's a decoy? Lord Bread: Did you ever go to school? Cheeto: Sure! My grammer teacher said I'm a excellent student. I talked the bestest in my school! Lord Bread: You are an insult to tolerance! And you can't speak right! Cheeto: Hey, I talk good english. Lord Bread: Aye yi yi... Cheeto: That's Alpha's line! Lord Bread: Continue, my love. Rita: Well... Lord Bread: Then Cheeto will come down with a fleet of monsters, sucker the rangers and tear them to pieces! Finster: That's a delicious idea. I shall get right on it! Rita: Okay. Hurry it up! Finster: I shall select the BEST monsters ever! Lord Bread: Thank you. Cheeto: Hey, I have an idea! Lord Bread, Finster and Rita: No no, shut up. Cheeto: Just asking. Tough crowd. SCENE VII: Austin keeps using his tennis racket, which causes Angel Grave to win against Rock Bottom Canyon 49 to 19. Rock Bottom Dude #1: This game was FIXED. Just like the super bowl!! Austin: Sore loser. NYEAH. Rock Bottom Dude #2 walks up to the smug Austin and punches him in the gut. Rock Bottom Dude #2: Thanks for cheating, wimp! Ernie approaches the rangers. Billy: It's alive! The jello moves! Ernie: Shut up. I just came to say that since you ALL played fair and square and didn't pout at all, I'm treating you all to lunch at my new outdoor cafe! Tommy: You wear your heart on your sleeve, Ernie. Ernie (talking out the side of his mouth): Don't worry! I'm charging Rock Bottom Canyon double! Billy: Let's eat chili burgers and not stop until we puke! Kimberly: Which WON'T do any good for your physique. Kimberly pokes Billy's ever-increasing belly. Billy: Oh yeah, I need to take a few pounds off. Celery and Peanut Butter, please. Crap. Now I have to eat nature's crap. SCENE VIII: Back at the palace... Goldar is helping Cheeto lift a twig with two boulders on each side. Goldar: Now if you wanna be big and buffed like me, you gotta do this 47 times! Cheeto: You really turned me on, Goldar. Goldar: HUH!?!? Goldar lets go of the barbel and Cheeto loses control of it and it falls to his chest. Goldar: He just came on to me, Rita! Why is that? Rita: Did I forget to mention he's gay? Goldar: Hmmmm... I'll remember that when I put barbed wire around my bedroom door. Rita: I see them hatching and growing and moving, Cheeto! What's the skinny? Cheeto: Listen, you impatient bitch, it's a surprise. Rita: This is beginning to sound more and more like a death trap. But all right. SCENE IX: At the outdoor Junk Food Bar... Kimberly and the guys are sitting at a table outside. Kimberly is reading a news rag that reads "Hell Freezes Over, Jesus there to Photograph it." Rocky: Guys, that was a good game. Austin: We waxed the floor with their butts! Billy: You guys left me out. Kimberly: That's because you stink, Billy. You're clumsy, klutzy, short-sighted and your aim is off. You're really a geek at heart. Billy: Thanks for making me feel better. Rocky: Where's Tommy? Kimberly: Making passes at women. Adam hands Aisha and Billy sandwiches and then walks away and comes back carrying a giant tub of snacks, burgers and other junk foods. Rocky: Are you going to eat ALL that by yourself? Adam: I got hungry. Adam begins eating a hamburger and sipping a soda. Kimberly: In five minutes, I'm outta here. I don't want to see the outcome of this. Adam: Welp, bye bye, belt. Adam looses his belt and begins his eating binge. Bulk and Skull sit at a table handing out snacks and things. Bulk: Let me tell ya, Skull! This is my kinda party! Skull: We were put next to the bathroom. Bulk: So? Skull: Hmmmm... Two girls behind them begin chatting. Girl #1 (loud enough so Bulk could hear them): WOULDN'T YOU JUST DIE IF THE PATHETIC RANGERS JUST WALKED IN RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT? Girl #2: What A thrill that would be. I just LOVE men in uniforms! Girl #1: Are we done yet? AB Writers: No! Keep going! Girl #1: All they do is wear spandex and jock-straps. Both Girls: Ahhhhhh... Bulk: Did you hear that, Skull? Girls love guys in, ugh, uniform. Skull: Whatever you're thinking, it would only apply to me. You're fat, disgusting and simply a peek at what married life would be 20 years later. Bulk: If we weren't such baddies, maybe some chic would actually go out with us! Skull: They were faking just so we could get into some hairbrained scheme. It would take a UPN watcher to actually fall for that. Bulk sees a convenient sign in blue next to their table that says "JUNIOR POLICE FORCE. WE WANT YOU!" Bulk: Let's join the Junior Police Force! Skull: There is NO such thing as that, Bulk. Even I know that! Bulk: Angel Grave doesn't exist either. I wish you'd stop pointing out plot holes. Skull: Sorry. Bulk and Skull rise from their seat. Bulk: Attention everyone! Attention please! We have an announcement to make! We, Farkus Bulkmeir and Eugene Sirlaughsalot are enrolling in the Junior Police Force! Billy: Yeah, and has hell frozen over yet? Kimberly: Actually, it has. Kimberly shows Billy a picture of her tabloid news paper. Billy: Ugh. Bulk: We're serious! We are going to be complete, sickening goodie-goods! We pan around the entire cafe with people with their mouths wide open. Bulk: This isn't such a surprise! Billy: Oh no. And to think I thought the police couldn't get any more stupider! A black glove touches Billy's shoulder. Billy looks up at a cop. Cop: Would you mind running that by me again? Billy: Uhhh... Not really... Want a muffin? The cop walks off. Billy: Whew. SCENE X: Back at Lord Bread's... Finster is seen in his creation station putting all his rotten pastries in the garbage disposer. Finster: Oh dear. I do seem to have overloaded it. Oh well, better call the plumber again. Finster throws the wheel to his monstro-matic and out comes four monsters. ---------- Rita: I bet Finster's right now putting each monster in his cookbook through a very rigorous test and... Finster walks in. Finster: The monsters are complete! Say hello to the most evil, vile, vicious, mean monsters EVER made! Lord Bread: They sound scary! In walks in Fudgy Fig, Funky Chicken, Terry Toad and PickleHead (from "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun") with Scorpina. Lord Bread: I don't seem to recall Picklehead being YOUR monster, you plagiarist. Now let's see here... [Eyeing the monsters.] Scorpina!?!? GET OUT! I've always hated you! Scorpina: Stick it between your legs, pops. Scorpina walks off. Lord Bread: Would you mind explaining to me why the GOOFIEST, most stupid, incompetant monsters are on our roster?? These were the worst ever made! I demand you recreate better! Finster: Come on, guys. Guess we're outta luck. Lord Bread: Sh'yeah, show me those incompetant morons. Rita: You said it. Finster walks in after only 10 seconds with the same monsters. Finster: I've made new ones, just as you ordered. Lord Bread: THOSE ARE THE SAME MONSTERS YOU CAME IN WITH BEFORE!!! Finster: No they're not. [Nervously] Look over there! Lord Bread and Rita look up at the ceiling as Finster dashes away in a flash. Finster: Yiigh! PickleHead: Guess yer stuck with us, huh? Lord Bread: As god as my witness, he will be treated with less respect than even last season for this! Rita: Go get them, Cheeto! Cheeto: I'm gonna make pizza rolls out of those Pathetic Rangers! CHARGE! Cheeto runs out into the hallway with his skeletal sword looking like serious business moving his head back and forth. Cheeto: Uh, how do you get outta this place? Lord Bread: Exactly the way you didn't come in. [Sigh] Down the hall, two doors then turn left. Cheeto runs to the right. Lord Bread: You're OTHER left, boob. Cheeto: I meant to do that. C'mon! We've got a job to do so let's do it! All monsters: Right! SCENE XI: The monsters suddenly appear in a deserted park next to some trees in the most bizarre formation of colors. Cheeto: Okay, now what's the plan? Fudgy Fig: Aren't you supposed to be the guy who tells us?! PickleHead: Last I recall, you're supposed to be the decoy that lurers the Rangers out and then we come in and beat them over the head with a club. Cheeto: Don't think there's a club involved. PickleHead: Okay, then we just beat them up. Cheeto: Okay, gotcha. You guys make yourselves scarse. Terry Toad: That's going to be a bit tough considering we're a bit plump. Fudgy Fig: Yeah. Cheeto: My god, you people are marshmellows! No matter, hide behind bushes. Funky Chicken: What are you gonna do? Cheeto: Maybe beat up some reporters. That'll get me on the news fast. AB Writers: No way, you'd be surprised what news directors are willing to put their field men through. Cheeto stands around clueless again. Cheeto: Hmmm... Now what? Suddenly, the sound of a bomb dropping is heard. Cheeto: What is that sound?? Cheeto gets hit on the head with a brick. Cheeto: OUCH! Woah... ---------- Lord Bread (yelling over balcony): Okay meat-head, for the last time. YOU DRAW OUT THE RANGERS!! How many times do I have to tell you that? ---------- Cheeto: Oh, right. Gotcha. ---------- Lord Bread: Sheesh. [Yelling again] Don't sit down too hard, you just my hurt your brains. ---------- Cheeto: Good idea!! ---------- Lord Bread: AGH!! His IQ rivals that of mayonaisse spread. SCENE XII: At the command center, the alarm goes off. Alpha: This is very strange Zordon, the alarm is going off but sensors indicate there isn't anything happening. AB Writers: Oh boy, I knew we shouldn't have hired anyone from a family with a history of inbreeding. Aparently Cheeto forgot to beat up someone to get onto the viewing globe. Alpha: Thanks for the tip. But unfortunately, the hypographicular is offline! Zordon: One of these days I've got to buy myself an advance gibberish encyclopedia to figure out what you're saying! Alpha: A scanner, Zordon. A scanner, think about it. Zordon: Well, whatever it is you are doing, hurry up. Something tells me things are going to get a lot worse before they get better. Go get the Rangers to find out what's happening. Alpha: Whatever, after all this is only Part One, things like this are suppose to happen. SCENE XIII: Back the new outdoor Junk Food bar... Rocky: I can't believe Bulk and Skull are joining the Junior Police Force. I can't believe they're selling out. I can't believe Adam just ate 20 burgers and three pizzas. Adam: Time for spaghetti. Aisha: Who knew they were actually going to turn to geniuinely nice people? The phone rings at the outdoor counter and Ernie answers. Ernie: Hello? Bulk (on the other end): Yes, is there an Ivana? Last night, Bigass. Ernie: Hold on, I'll check. HEY EVERYONE, ATTENTION! Ivana Bigass! Everyone, Ivana Bigass, does anyone know Ivana Bigass? Austin (already laughing): Hahahah, actually, I did! Ever considered lypo-suctioning? Hahahaha! The entire cafe begins laughing at Ernie as he becomes increasingly upset. Ernie goes back to the phone. Ernie: Who are you!?! Bulk: Let's just say, I'm a fan of your ass. Ernie: Oh, you think you're funny don't you? I'm gonna find you, I swear. And when I do, I'm gonna pull your teeth out with rusted wire-cutters. Bulk: Good luck. [Click.] Ernie: Hello? Hello! OOO!!! I wasn't done with you yet! Ernie slams the phone down. Ernie: Damn kids. Bulk and Skull are behind a tree laughing their butts off. Skull: Hahahaha! Bulk, do you think we should've done that now that we're going to be Junior Police Officers? Bulk: You can't expect us to quit cold turkey, can you? Hahahahaha! The rangers' communicators are paged. Kimberly (answering): Alpha, we read you. Zordon: How come you never say, ``Zordon, we read you'' anymore? Kimberly: Because Alpha's the head cheese now. Shut up, the god is talking. Alpha: I love this. There's some trouble in the park involving very unkind and incidently hideos creatures walking through the park. You fill in the blanks. Billy: Just our lucky day. Austin: Let's get to it. Adam: I didn't even finish this chicken though! YIIGH! The rangers move away from the cafe. Ernie: HEY! You didn't pay for that! Wait a minute, I said it was free. Damn! SCENE XIV: All rangers move into the park. Tommy: We're better off if we stay together. The rangers huddle together with their backs against each other's as they circle around the park. Cheeto jumps into the park as eerie music begins and the sky begins changing colors over and over again (for effect). Billy: What the f... Tommy: Shhh... Who are you? Cheeto (evil voice): You're worst nightmare. (Normal Voice) But you can call me Cheeto. Remember these guys? Suddenly, psychodelic colors tint the park as Fudgy Fig, Terry Toad, Funky Chicken and PickleHead appear. Eerie music (with an organ) begins as the sky again changes different colors. Tommy: It's morphin' time, guys! The rangers do a 40 second long routine with their arms as they fiddle with their morphers trying to look tough. Cheeto: Oh would you just get it over with already?! Tommy: The viewers began to wonder what we do when we put our hands behind our butts. Austin: Rhinocerus Tommy: CiderZord Adam: Majormess Kimberly: Pterodorky Billy: Tribladdertops Aisha: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat Rocky: Trashosaurus Austin: Okay, I'm in no mood for this so just sit there while I kick your butt. AB Writer: Uh uh uh uh uh! Don't you know how we do things now? It's Zords only, no more manual fighting. Austin: This is stupid. The rangers somersault over each other as they prepare for the fight, for once done right. ---------- Lord Bread and Rita clash staffs as they send down some evil electricity to Earth. Lord Bread: Grow, you hideous grossness! Rita: Right!! Goldar: Hey guys, what happened to the stale bannana peels? Lord Bread: I ran out of those. I tried to get more but, uh, they said they were out. ---------- Cheeto starts turning orange as he starts to grow. Cheeto: God, I love this part. He stomps around a bit. Tommy: Guess what guys!? All: We need Mega Blunder Zord Power, now! All rangers do new poses again. Each with surfboars sticking up above their helmets as if surfboards are stuffed in their backs. They all stiffly make attempts at imitating the moves done by the "ZyuStooges." Adam: Majormess/Cowardly Lion BlunderZord Power Kimberly: Pterodorky/TiredBird BlunderZord Power Billy: Tribladdertops/Acorn BlunderZord Power Aisha: Sabertoothed Alley-Cat/Muffin BlunderZord Power Rocky: Trashosaurus/Red-Spinal Column BlunderZord Power Tommy: White Cider BlunderZord Power! Austin: I call upon the power of power! All: Huh? Austin: I mean, Rhinocerus BlunderZord Power! Each of the Zords put on their grand show of getting transformed into the MegaBlunderZord and the CiderZord Robot Mode. Cheeto: You dudes are threw! Just as soon as my buddies get here... Right guys? Guys? Tommy: Muahahaha! Two against one, I'd say that you're about to end up a pile of broken bones. Cheeto: Oh yeah? Then I guess I'll have to fix ya myself. Cheeto starts lashing the zords. MegaBlunderZord punches Cheeto in the head and then pushes his back causing him to fall onto his face. Cheeto: Okay, so that's the way you people wanna do it, huh? Well when I'm done, you're going to be spittin' teeth! Cheeto kicks and punches out the Zords back and forth. ---------- Rita: Uh oh... Goldar: What, your little Brother letting you down again? I knew that hick was no good. Lord Bread: No matter, we'll just make the other four monsters grow! Rita: But doesn't it worry you that they've never won any battles before? Lord Bread: Nah... This is part one, let's get in on the gravy train while the gettin's good. Rita and Bread use their staffs to mix up more of that evil electricity and arc it to earth to make Fudgy Fig, Funky Chicken, Terry Toad and PickleHead grow. ---------- Rocky: It's a trap! Look out! Austin: I KNOW THAT! The MegaBlunderZord kicks Fudgy Fig in the mouth as he lands on his face and a half minute later, there is a mild explosion. Funky Chicken chicken slaps the MegaBlunderZord in the face with its wings causing it to fall down. Funky Chicken walks over to the MegaBlunderZord. Funky Chicken: Now let's see how YOU like getting stepped on! Funky Chicken jumps into the air as we look at the ever enlarging shadow coming down on the MegaBlunderZord. All of the Rangers: No, don't!! Funky Chicken steps off the MegaBlunderZord as its face is flatened. Blily: Well, at least I can honestly say I didn't expect that to happen. Cheeto: This is much better! Now, it's time to scoop out your innards for all to see! Cheeto raises his sword causing it to get more power and then lands it on the zords. Tommy: AGH! Help me, Austin. The RhinoBlunderZord is seen ramming into PickleHead causing him to fall into Terry Toad. Austin: I can't right now. It's not easy working in a FAT zord. Rocky: Alpha, what's going on? Everytime I push the buttons they don't do anything. Billy: Do they ever? Aisha: Shut up! Adam: Your pessimism isn't appreciated, Billy. Rocky: What's the matter!? Have the batteries gone dead? ---------- Alpha 5: In a minute, they will be. Alpha out. ---------- Austin: You know, I am noticing a big trend of us getting into grand preportions of trouble and then Alpha leaving us in the lurch struggling for our very lives. ---------- Zordon: Alpha, status report. Alpha: Um, hang on I'm busy. Zordon: Alpha, is everything okay? Alpha: Oh, just fine. Everything is _under_ control. [Sounding hysterically hopeful] I'm sure I can get that hard disk back up no problem! Zordon: Well okay, Alpha. ---------- Rocky: Okay, Rangers. We're on our last leg [looks down], litterally. We only have one shot and it's the BlunderSavor. Aisha (hysterically): Yeah! The BlunderSavor, that always works! Rocky: Are you with me!? All: Right! Rocky: Okay then. All: BlunderSavor, Power Up! The MegaBlunderZord pulls out the Sword and powers it up, just as the extended theme song starts to play. Adam: Hey, the music is playing! That means we have to win! The MegaBlunderZord energizes it but then the music stops and turns to some evil rock music as Cheeto starts laughing and then grabs the BlunderSavor and holds it by it's ends and breaks it in half on his knee and throws the pieces aside to the ground. Rocky: Guugh! The BlunderSavor! Kimberly: Quickly!!! The MegaBlunderZord drops to its knees and starts trying to put it back together again when it whips out a large spool of masking tape and tapes the ends back together again. It stands up and holds the sword in front of itself when the masking taped portion bends over causing the tip to droop below the handle. Adam: This isn't good. Rocky: Why did our song stop? Kimberly: Oh that means that we've had it. Billy: We're doomed! We are going to hurtle to our horrible, pain-ridden, bone-breaking deaths! Cheeto: This gets better and better all the time. Okay guys, I don't see your white flags up so I guess I'm just going to have to take you out to the curb where the guys can pick up the recyclables. Tommy: We're not licked yet. Tommy grabs a bolt off the wall behind himself, throws it into the launcher and blasts it out of the CiderZord's mouth. Cheeto grabs the charge and throws it back at the CiderZord's mouth causing it to swallow it and create a huge explosion. Tommy: OOF!! ---------- Alpha (mumbling to himself): Oh, if Zordon finds out about this mess, I'll never be the big cheese again! Zordon: Alpha, are you saying something? Alpha: Uh no!! Hehehehehe! Why would you think that!? Zordon: Sheesh, Alpha, just asking. Alpha: This thing is going to blow! The BlunderZords could EXPLODE! Zordon: Ha ha ha ha. That's not possible, they are indestructable and even if they COULD blow up, there would be an explosion ten times that of the last zords'. Alpha: What's your point? Zordon: Oh my gosh... RANGERS! If you don't get outta there, and FAST, there is a VERY GOOD chance that your zords could end up spilling its guts and your powers will vanish. There's even a 5% chance that your bodies could fill with fire and you'll die. Austin: NICE TIME TO TELL US!!! Tommy: That's just the chance will have to take. Zordon: ARE YOU NUTS!? Alpha presses more buttons as there is an small sparks fly from the pannel. Alpha: Aye, yi, yi! I didn't expect that to happen. Alpha presses more buttons as there is an explosion that blows Alpha into the air (with legs and arms flying) across the screen when he hits the back of the command center. Alpha: WOAH!!!!! Zordon: Alpha! Alpha 5, are you SURE everything is OKAY!?! Alpha gets up. Alpha: Absolutely, one-hundred percent, positively sure! [Fanning the smoke away.] Zordon: Are you lying to me? Alpha: No. Zordon: If you're lying to me, you're in big trouble, Jack. The Zords cost me MONEY! BIG money! Alpha: Okay, I confess... I pushed it too far, the whole thing is about to fall apart. Zordon: Oh no... [Suddenly] QUICKLY, we better tell the Rangers to get out before the Zords crush them with them inside! SCENE XV: Rita, Bread, Squatt, Baboo and Doormat are forming a conga line, morbidly celebrating. All: Romp romp romp romp romp, HEY! Romp romp romp romp romp, HEY! Romp romp romp romp romp, HEY! Rita: The rangers are going down! We're winning! They're going down in the agony of their own defeat! Lord Bread: What do you mean?? They're going down in the agony of their butts getting blown up! Rita: Who cares. We're winning, revel in it. ---------- All the monsters gang up on the zords and jump them and start pounding them. Massive explosions in all three cockpits. All the rangers run onto each other to the right again. Rocky: Dammit! Zordon should've gotten seatbelts!! Billy: It looks like this is it, guys! Cheeto gives one final blow to the BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord. All rangers crash threw the glass green window and all fall onto the ground unmorphed. Kimberly: Oh no! This is not good! Rocky: TOMMY! Tommy is holding onto the walls of his zord's cockpit. Tommy: You're not gonna take me out... I'm not going anywhere! Nuh uh, not gonna happen! A giant explosion rockets Tommy out of CiderZord's mouth and he falls at 60 MPH onto the ground unmorphed while holding two pieces of the walls he was grabbing onto. A 7.0 earthquake occurs, causing the delecate zords to begin shaking a lot as the beginning of the end of the zords begins. Cheeto: Hey, Rita! What do you think of your formerly irresponsible, drunken gambling baby brother now?!?! HAHAHAHAHA! Kimberly: What just happened? Tommy: We de-morphed. What does it look like?!?! Billy: We're all dirty! Adam: Well, we all crashed into the mud! What do you think? Billy's shirt is torn up and half of it us untucked; Tommy has a hole in his jacket, shirt and jeans with his underwear showing and the others have their clothes dirty, muddy and torn up too. Billy has a black eye, messed up hair. Billy: Wh, where's Austin? Austin's descending scream is heared as the rangers see him fly threw the air and into a lake. Austin: Aaack!! Man, what a trip! Suddenly, explosions occur behind the zords. Tommy: Oh no! No more explosions! Everything is seen in slow-mo. CiderZord belches up tons of tangled wires as its head falls off. BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord just begins taking its limbs and appendages off and disassembling itself. Rocky: He's suppose to fall apart, not take himself apart! RhinoZord caves in like a house of cards and a giant pile of dirty purple rubble is seen on the ground where Austin's zord once was. Austin: Woah. They didn't put too much effort into the destruction of my zord. He just fell apart! More explosions. A hand is seen pushing the torso of the BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord onto the ground. Kimberly: I can't stand this anymore! Kimberly starts running after the collapsing zords as there's another big explosions. Billy: Kimberly NO! THAT'S SUICIDE! Kimberly: No! I have to save 'em! I've gotta save 'em! Tommy: How are you gonna do that? Kimberly: Don't worry. All I need is a little paint, a little glue, some screws and a screwdriver with some spare wires and they'll be as good as new! Yeah, yeah, that's it! Billy turns Kimberly around and starts shaking her. Billy: Don't you get it?!? It's OVER, Kimberly! IT'S OVER!!! We're threw! Kimberly: [Screaming] NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All rangers try to fend the dust and explosions away. CiderZord crumbles into dust and falls apart as arms and legs are seen spread all over the place. Kimberly: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! TO BE CONTINUED... (C) 1995 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... The rangers find themselves without their zords--but luck has it, Tommy is still wearing clothes! Tommy: We've not only lost our zords. We've lost our powers. I don't want to live anymore! Tommy starts running after the fire when the rangers hold him back. All: No! Wait! Stop! No! Tommy: This happened in "The Green Popsicle," "Green Slave No More," the movie and now this! It's too much! Kill me now! ...Like all trilogies, before it could get worse, it got better--so you don't have to worry about anything like being on the edge-of-your-seat. Adam: Where did our powers come from in the first place. Alpha (mumbling): Where does he get these questions? Zordon: Shut up, Alpha. Interesting that you should ask such a question as it opens the door to our solution of the day. Contrary to everything that has ever been written or told about the history of the morphing origins, rumor has it that there is a lost temple beneath the desert of hades. Kimberly: Wait, does this mean you're going to send us to hell? Zordon: Well the closest thing to it. Can the rangers do their thing this time? Are you counting how many times the rangers have survived several major injuries despite their loss of powers? Is Lord Bread going to get cable? Is Cheeto really a politician out to run for presidency of bad-guys so he can snuff out Goldar, Squatt and Baboo? Will I ever stop asking dumb questions? Find out on the NEXT episode of the Pathetic Rangers!