Introducing Wendee Day as Scorpina Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Ninja Mess, Part II" Parody of, "Ninja Mess, Part II" LAST TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Austin cheated his way into winning what appeared to be yet another useless competition that the rangers involved themselves in against rival town Rock Bottom Canyon! Tommy: We're LOSING, GUYS! This sucks! Billy, I really wish you wouldn't get caught up in the Volleyball net the next time you jump in the air to bop the ball. Billy: Sorry. Kimberly: Did you EVER play this game after "Pathetic Ranger Flunks," Billy? Billy: Sheeah, uh, yeah. Tommy: Then why do you stink so bad?! A giant explosion... well, it wasn't that exciting... A stenchy skeletal beast broke into Lord Bread's castle and started calling the shots! Lord Bread: Throw it out! Get rid of it! Take it and throw it out the... Rita: Lord Bread, shut up! Lord Bread: Don't take that tone with me, woman! Rita: Dammit Bread, this is my brother, you blubbering fool! Rita: I have a great plan! We send Cheeto down with a fistfull of monsters... Lord Bread: Then Cheeto will come down with a fleet of monsters, sucker the rangers and tear them to pieces! Finster presented the world's worst monsters to Bread. Bread choicelessly put them to work with Cheeto to destroy the Pathetic Rangers... Cheeto jumps into the park as eerie music begins and the sky begins changing colors over and over again (for effect). Billy: What the f... Tommy: Shhh... Who are you? Cheeto (evil voice): You're worst nightmare. (Normal Voice) But you can call me Cheeto. Remember these guys? Suddenly, psychodelic colors tint the park as Fudgy Fig, Terry Toad, Funky Chicken and PickleHead appear. Eerie music (with an organ) begins as the sky again changes different colors. Tommy: It's morphin' time, guys! The embarrassing fight, whose ugly details shall remain untold, resulted in a quite comical destruction of their zords, tearing them to pieces! Kimberly: No! I have to save 'em! I've gotta save 'em! Tommy: How are you gonna do that? Kimberly: Don't worry. All I need is a little paint, a little glue, some screws and a screwdriver with some spare wires and they'll be as good as new! Yeah, yeah, that's it! Billy turns Kimberly around and starts shaking her. Billy: Don't you get it?!? It's OVER, Kimberly! IT'S OVER!!! We're threw! Kimberly: [Screaming] NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have the rangers gone belly up? Or are they going to quit cold turkey? Will Lord Bread boast about winning before the real action starts? Will Austin make a run for it now that his powers have been toasted in a matter of two episodes? Will Billy become impotent over this whole ugly situation? And are you dreaming of axing me right this very moment? Find out in Part 2 of "Ninja Mess," next! SCENE I: Setting: The beat out fighting area where the zords are. The zords are burning while a huge flame engulf the scenery. Ruins of the zords remain as the rangers in their torn up, dirty clothes watch. Kimberly is frozen in shock. Billy: Kimberly? Yoo hoo? Tommy: She's in shock, man. Rocky: I know. Let's get Alpha. He can just fix it. Adam: Yeah, he can just fix this whole ugly mess and we can get on with our lives and I know I'm lying threw my teeth--it's all over! Augh hoo hoo hoo.. Tommy: We've not only lost our zords. We've lost our powers. I don't want to live anymore! Tommy starts running after the fire when the rangers hold him back. All: No! Wait! Stop! No! Tommy: This happened in "The Green Popsicle," "Green Slave No More," the movie and now this! It's too much! Kill me now! Billy turns Tommy around. Billy: Tommy, you're a close friend, but you'll thank me for this in the long run. Billy decks Tommy. Tommy: Aaagh! Billy: There. Are you sane again? Tommy: I think so. Austin: Can I go home now? My parents have been wondering why I've been abruptly absent for a couple of hours for the past few weeks. Billy: You signed a contract, Austin. Austin: But that was when I thought this was "E.R." Rocky: How could you get our show mixed up with "E.R."? Austin: There was an open line for Guy Incognitos. Oh well. Billy: Well news flash, you're in on this show for the next two and a half years. The BlunderHeapaJunkaMegaZord's head begins to shoot out sparks. Head: Pretty nifty, huh? All Rangers: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHH!!! Tommy: You're NOT suppose to talk, you stupid bashed up zord! Head: Sorry. Billy: It's gonna be a long walk back to the command center. Luckily, I have Dr. Schull's extra-cumfy shoe soles. Aisha: And to think we were jealous of the B.S. Trippers who always have to walk to their headquarters. Billy picks up Kimberly's frozen body and carries her like a ladder as they all go to the command center. SCENE II: Lord Bread is sitting in his headquarters' partyhouse while the song "Celebration" by Kool and the Gang is going. Lord Bread: This is an evil meeting! Cheeto, Baboo, Squatt, Rita my lovely wife, Goldar, Doormat and what's her name... Scorpina: Scorpina! Lord Bread: I thought I told you to go away. Scorpina: [Grunt] Scorpina walks off. Lord Bread: You've all made me very proud. Squatt: But the rangers aren't dead yet. Lord Bread: Silence! None of your killjoy, snide, pessimistic comments are allowed. Now let's get drunk and play bingo! All: YAY! Rita: Cheeto, I'm SO proud of you! Lord Bread: I'm pretty sure you're proud of all your relatives whom have the personalities of roadkill. Rita: Shut up. Goldar: I'm sure with four monsters I could have those rangers' butts in a sling in no time too! Rita: Sure you could. Name me one time you even came close to getting those rangers? Goldar: "Return of a Useless Friend," "Green With Vomit," "FoolsDay..." Rita: That's enough, you! Goldar: Ha ha. Cheeto's gay too. Cheeto: Am not. Lord Bread: Quiet!!! Now that those meddlesome teenagers are out of our way... Squatt: But they're not dead yet. Lord Bread: AAAAAGH! Goldar: He's got a point. Doormat: Yes, unless the rangers are dead, they do have hope. Sickening, isn't it? Rita: It would be nice if a bad guy got his own TV show about his adventures in taking over the world. Baboo: Remember the short-lived "Evil Always Prospers" from 1981-82? The kids said that it broke their hearts and caused them to stay in therapy to this present date. It wouldn't be a wise move. Lord Bread: I shall ignore all of your objecting comments. We will RULE THE WORLD! HAHAHAHAHAHA! SCENE III: At the Command Center, Alpha is seen pulling up control panels, pulling out wires and flipping panels upside down. Zordon: Alpha, what are you doing? Alpha: Trying to make this place look more destroyed than it actually is. All that happened is that the flux capaciator blew up causing the Zords to run on their backup batteries which ran dead during "White Mite." Zordon: Why didn't you tell me the batteries were dead!? Alpha: Uh oh, here come the Rangers. Suddenly out of the darkness of the background come the seven teenagers. Austin: Man this place looks like a cyclone hit it. Tommy: Alpha, what happened? Alpha: Huh? Oh I mean... [Sobbing] Aughghghga! It was horrible! The core melted down. Zordon: Say what? Alpha: The engines caught on fire! The computers crashed! Zordon was lost... Zordon: I was? Alpha: The walls caved in. Lightning struck! Zordon: Hey now, let's not get carried away. Alpha: Oh. Sorry. Billy: What really happened, Alpha? Rocky's heart just shot out of his mouth this very momment and I don't think the walls caved in. Alpha: Okay, so here's what happened. Your Zords have been on dead batteries since who knows when running off of command center juice, I pushed the Flux CapacitatorTM beyond it's capacity and it blew up. Accordingly, your sheild went down and when Cheeto decided to mess you up bad, it worked. Austin: You mean this is YOUR fault?? Aisha: Who wants to dismantle him first? Alpha: Hey, now, now now, let's not be hasty--we all have contracts. Zordon: Yes, we do. Except for Scorpina who apparently has been scheduled to appear at least once during this season. Billy examines the burned up controls. Tommy: Come on, Billy, give us some good news. Billy: I wish I could. Too many complicated systems were shut down in the process of the Zords falling apart--I don't even know where to begin because unfortunatey, in the past months I have been putting all of my concentration on my stunning good looks, beefed up arms and great hair to remember anything about math, computers, science or the Command Center. Austin: Billy, did you decide to switch your brain with a star in Dumb and Dumber? Billy: In any event, the power core has been overloaded and it wont work anymore. Alpha: Repair could take centuries! Kimberly: Don't exaggerate! Adam: What about our Zords. Can you bring them back Zordon? Zordon: What do you think? It would take a construction crew the size of two major states to bring them back. I'm afraid the prospect of bringing back that heap of junk is beyond impossible. Those things are a wreck! Of course there might be hope for Austin's Zord. Austin: What do you mean? AB Writer: You'll soon find out in part three. Tommy: Alpha, can't you use the last bit of juice left in this dump to teleport us to some utopian world where bad guys don't exist so we can leave this planet behind to rot in hell forever? Alpha: Interesting you should mention that, Thomas, because, as it were, the license on the teleportation device clearly stipulates that, "...the operator of the Teleportation Mechanism is legally bound to use only for moral, ethical, purpopses--never for the means of escape. It is against the law to..." Tommy: Thank you, Alpha, I have heard enough. Alpha: The bottom line is, you seven chumps are the super heros of this show and it would be rude to leave this planet behind. That means you STAY here and FIX this mess! Austin: Well at least I've got brains. Billy: Oh thank you, Austin! Austin: Yes, I checked the school record and I seem to be the only one here who gets an A minus average! Adam: Where did our powers come from in the first place. Alpha (mumbling): Where does he get these questions? Zordon: Shut up, Alpha. Interesting that you should ask such a question as it opens the door to our solution of the day. Contrary to everything that has ever been written or told about the history of the morphing origins, rumor has it that there is a lost temple beneath the desert of hades. Kimberly: Wait, does this mean you're going to send us to hell? Zordon: Well the closest thing to it. Kimberly: Could we sink any lower. Billy: Don't give them any ideas! Zordon: Well I have been contemplating Billy and Aisha put on a strip for the.. Billy: That's enough. Zordon: Anyhow, the keeper of the temple is named Crinjor. He hords the original pathetic coins that were used for battling the evil forces of the universe. Rocky: You mean we got SUBSTITUTES!? Zordon: Sorry to break it to you but all those episodes are just recycled japanese footage. But still, this whole temple thing could all be just a crewl hoax. A big fat fib. Tommy: Way to let us down easy, Zordon. Alpha: What about the map we found to locate the original power coins? Rocky: Wait, the coins weren't yours either? Alpha: Finders keepers. Zordon, remember when you had a body and you send down Alpha 0 to go looking for a suitable place to establish the Command Center when he tripped over a chest of coins with Dinosaurs faces molded onto them? Zordon: Oh yeah, now I remember. Hehe, you should've saw the look on that guys face when he found out his chest was missing. Alpha: Hehehe. Suddenly Alpha turns around with the map in his hand. Austin: Wait a minute, a second ago you weren't holding that. Alpha: Well, now I am. Isn't TV Special F/X great!? Rocky: Hey wait, this is it? Zordon: Don't you remember the last thing I said? Aisha: And we can find the power! Zordon: Hey guys... This was something that some drunken frat boys were chatting on the phone with me about. This could all be MADE UP. Adam: Hmmm, well, it's the only way to end this story so--let's go with it. Zordon: Well, I'm sorry--I can't send you way out there. After all, I'll be lucky if I can find a replacement cast member now. It is much too dangerous. Tommy: Don't worry, Zordon, that's the chance... Austin: Listen, I'm sick of you! Shut up and stop talking for OTHER PEOPLE. Tommy: But we wont fate, we're strong. We're willing to put our butts through anything and... The whole room begins to frown at him. Tommy: Okay okay. Billy: Well, Tommy is right. It's either go to hell and back or stay in hell and rot here. Zordon: You must understand that the odds of your returning safely are 1 in five hundred. Kimberly: Please?? Zordon: [Sigh.] Very well. Even though this is against my better judgement, I will begin mustering the few drops of energy left to beam your butts to no-man's land, but keep in mind that I had nothing to do with this ludicrous decision of yours. Remember that when your complaining to your lawyers about your amputated privates, broken necks and gain green legs. What's worse is that if Lord Bread finds out where you are, he will make every effort to kick your ass worse than anything and if you don't have your powers by then, well, good luck. Kimberly: You know Tommy, suicide is beginning to look better and better. Tommy: Don't worry, we'll be fine. Austin: Can we use the bathroom before we go? Kimberly: I need a glass of water. Zordon: The plumbing in our shouldn't-be-here bathroom has been ruined, and our water fountain is filled with gas. Rocky: Oh. Okay, then. Rocky unzips his pants and readies to use the bathroom on the floor. Zordon: Rocky, what do you think you're doing? Rocky: Uhhhh, relieving myself? Zordon: According to the script, you all are devoid of bodily functions (i.e., eating, drinking, sneezing, using the bathroom, we were almost gonna get rid of breathing, but it didn't work out). Alpha: Okay, hold hands and hum "Kumbuya." Billy: What??? Zordon: Aren't you suppose to use some kind of power? Alpha: That was before I re-researched to discover that we're empty. This place is bone dry. So, you must hum "Kumbuya," or whatever song turns you on. All the rangers begin humming "Old Sushanna." Alpha: Hmmph. I would've liked "Kumuya" better. Rocky: I hope this is the last time we have to close our eyes because I think I'm gonna fall asleep. The rangers are suddenly teleported away for the planet. Alpha: Oh Zordon, I hope we did the right thing by giving into their wishes. Zordon: Who cares? 500 bucks says they get grilled the minute they set foot on the planet. Now let's go play on our new Sega Genesis system. Alpha: All right. You hook it up while I get out the arcade system. Alpha brings out a tall, laundry-mat like arcade system. He then presses a button on a remote control, causing a 50 inch screen TV to rise up from out of the ground playing a football game. Suddenly, a pony rides into the command center as balloons fall to the ground. SCENE IV: Desert nowhere, It's very windy as the rangers are looking around at the baron desert. Billy: Aw man! This map is in spanish! Tommy: Why would it be in spanish?? Kimberly: Because Zordon's a moron? Billy: Well, according to the colorful pictures here, we should move thisaway. Billy points forward. Billy: The temple is marked by a very large bush. Tommy looks around to notice a whole bunch of huge green bushes. Tommy: But ALL the bushes are big! Billy: Some map. Well, let's keep moving. Suddenly, an amplified sound of a howling is heard. Kimberly: That is one eerie noise. Where is it coming from? Austin: Maybe that woman behind the bush holding the microphone. We pan behind a bush to find a woman with a microphone hooting into it. Woman: Whoooooo... HEY! You've ruined the damn effect! Hope you jerks are happy. The woman walks off. SCENE V: At the Junior Police Academy... Bulk and Skull bumble up to the recruitor in a black uniform. Bulk: Um sir, we wanna be cops. Officer #1: Oh, is that what you wanted to be when you grew up when you were 5? Skull: I wanted to be a nurse. Officer #1: Excuse me, sir? Bulk: We'd like to know where the sign-up, thingy, er um, the person who signs us up is. Officer #1: The registration office?? Bulk: That's the one! Officer #1: You wanna be Junior Policemen? Gotta warn ya, they'll beat out that spunky spirit of yours. Skull: We wanna wear uniforms to get the chics horny. Officer #1: Better not be your only reason. Because we don't take that kind of crap, sirs. This is serious work, and we don't like men who think with their joysticks. Bulk: Ahem, it wasn't suppose to sound like that, sir. What we're trying to say is, we want to get the girls safe. Officer #1: You're lying, but you make me laugh so I'll let you in. Right this way, men. SCENE VI: AB Writer: Well, this is where Bulk and Skull came in. See, Bulk and Skull signed up to become Junior Police Men. A really grouchy guy named Lt. Stone met them and decided to treat them like trash. The rest of the nightmare we like to call, Bulk and Skull's scenes, will continue tomorrow. SCENE VII: Meanwhile at Lord Bread's castle on the moon, Rita is looking at the eggs Cheeto planted start to rock and smoke as she assumes a worried expression turning around to face Cheeto and the others. Rita: Cheeto! What the hell? Your eggs are smoking! Cheeto, you better tell me what in gods name those things are or I'm gonna flush 'em! Cheeto: Rita! No! Don't do that! Those things were expensive! $900 an egg. Baboo: Where did you get the money? Cheeto: Donating blood to the local blood bank. I was able to get $21,600 out of it. Lord Bread: So that would explain your incurrable stupidity. Cheeto: So, I thought... Goldar: Gee, I knew I smelled something burning. Goldar high fives Lord Bread. Cheeto: Anyway, I figured that since you and your bed fellow there couldn't do anything right by yourselves, I'd give you a little help by bringing something. Lord Bread: Cheeto, you've got some nerve coming into my domain, stealing the limelight by doing away with the Rangers for me and then insulting my plans. Rita: Cheeto, I'm really getting impatient with you. Cheeto: Just a sec. I'm almost done clipping my toenails. Rita: Ew gross. Get up and talk to me! Cheeto: Aw man. Look what you made me do? Now they're uneven. Rita: Listen, one-man-manicurist, I wanna know what our anniversary present is and NOW. Cheeto: I keep telling ya, I'm not gonna say. It's a surprise. Rita: I'm queen and I say you've got 10 seconds to tell me what it is, or you're gonna be chopping onions in the basement then hanging in the dungeon! Cheeto: Okay, uhh, um, well ya see... Rita: Times up! Cheeto: Tangos! Tango Warriors! Please, just put me down! I don't wanna be in the dungeon! Lord Bread: TANGOS!? Cheeto: What did you think they were? Easter eggs? Lord Bread: Wow! My very own breed of Tango Warriors, who I've never met in my life and are very competant I assume. AB Writer: Good one, Bread. Lord Bread: How humiliating. I hate those goon birds. Rita: Send down the Tangos to chew off the rangers! Rita: Ooo, those rangers are so scared, they could pee in their pants! Lord Bread: Cute little analogy, my buttercup. Cheeto: Good news is, if they fail, I've got a back-up plan. Lord Bread: Hey, pal, I make the plans around here. Cheeto: Well, this is my cliff-hanger, so I call the shots, all right?? Lord Bread: Fine fine. I'm gonna lie down and watch some good FOX TV. Lord Bread walks off. Rita: Ha ha! The Pathetic Rangers will soon be Pathetic Mush! Hahaha! SCENE VIII: The Tango's are found breaking out of their suddenly 6 ft. egg shells while Rita looks at them through her telescope. Cheeto: So, what's goin' on? Rita: They look like they're trying to stand up but just falling down again. Oh! Oh! Wait, it looks like they're flying around the castle. Lord Bread (calling out from the background): They better not leave poop on the castle. Rita: Hey! What's with that egg? It didn't hatch? Goldar: It must be a dud! Cheeto: Hmmm, I dunno. Maybe it's not a Tango. Rita: What? Cheeto: Well, I can't remember. On my way here, an old buddy challenged me to a drinking match. I lost so the next day I came here. Lord Bread comes back to the balcony and sits his throne. Lord Bread: Doormat, you better be right about this. Lord Bread scans into outer space finding the Rangers walking across the deserted desert of deserts. Lord Bread: Ack! Those darn kids are walking through the deserted deserts of deserts! Can nothing stop them? Squatt: I'm pretty sure an A-Bomb could do it but it's not in the budget. Lord Bread: I'll be damned if all my failures could be attributed to lack of sufficiant funds. AB Writer: Sadly, it is. Goldar: What are the Ranger's doing there? Rita: WHAT!? They must be looking for the lost temple of hades to get the ninja powers. Cheeto: Oh now I remember! Some guy in a trench coat gave me a real bargon on that last egg. Ever heard of a Fang Face monster? Finster: Ah yes! Ha ha ha. That monster has been beaten so many times it's... Cheeto: DAH, UH, UM... Lord Bread: Don't bother, Cheeto. Because I know it wont work. For Rita's sake, I'm going to let her see you fall flat on your face and grovel back to me like the pitiful bum you are. Rita: Wait, hubby dear! Lord Bread: Ngh! Rita: I have an idea. Let the Rangers find that temple, have the Tangos beat up the Rangers good and then get in Fang Face to torch that temple until it's burnt to a crisp and we'll be without both the rangers and their lousy powers. Lord Bread: Great idea, Rita! SCENE IX: The seven rangers are walking around the deserted desert of deserts from hades. Aisha: You know; I was just thinkin'... Austin: So that's what they noise was. Aisha: Ahem! I'm just wondering if Zordon can beam us to all these distant planets, that we don't go up to the Moon and kick Lord Bread all around. Billy: Because instead of the Zord's limbs and appendages falling off, it would be ours. Aisha: Oh yeah, never thought about that. Austin: Why doesn't surprise me. Billy turns the map up side down and finds it written in english and frowns suddenly. Billy: Hey! This map is to BURGER KING! Adam: Kimberly, where are you going? Kimberly wonders over to this strange egg-shaped rock. Kimberly: Woah, get a lot of this funky rock. Suddenly is heats up and drops it as there is a ring of fire surrounding the Rangers. Austin: Oh this is pretty. Rocky: What we are gonna do!? Tommy: Okay, guys, don't panic. Let's just try to jump over the flames! Austin: And would you also like for me to make a hamburger out of thin air? They jump over it one by one as Billy is the last one stuck in the ever enclosing ring of fire. Kimberly: Come on Billy, jump! Tommy: Yeah, dude, you can do it. Billy: I can't! Aisha: Just remember you have a full life ahead of you! Billy: Of your voice. Rocky: Forget that! Adam: You've got that map. Move it or lose it! Billy: Here goes! Billy tries to run then jump over the fire when the fire gets to close he drops the map. Billy: Aye aye aye aye! Kimberly: The map! The paper crumples up into a useless blackend piece of dust. Billy: Oh no! Billy tries to run back after it but soon the whole thing catches on fire. Aisha and Kimberly hold Billy back. Billy: No, I must! I must save the map. Tommy: There's nothin' you can do about it now! The map suddenly explodes. Adam: Sheesh! I don't think that was necessary. Austin turns Billy around shakes him up. Austin: You stupid idiot! Now we have NO WAY to find food or beverage. Agh! Austin slaps Billy's face. Billy: Ow! Austin keeps shaking him. Tommy: Hey, Austin, let up! Austin: Sorry, I just kinda lost it. Tommy: Well, come on. Now we have an even longer search. We have to find a strange looking bush on a planet the size of Saturn. Rocky: Oh crap. The rangers keep walking. SCENE X: The rangers are walking around the open plain. Tommy: Where are we going, Billy? Billy: To see the muffin man, Tommy. Tommy: Very funny. Billy: Hm. It appears that the rules in our contract stipulate "The rangers naught be stuck in a predicament in which prevents the recipitants of this contract to be unaware of where they are going, and to always get what they are looking for thereof." Kimberly: So, basically, what you are saying is, we have a built-in compass at all times? Billy: Isn't television super? Adam: Again, what are we looking for? Billy: A funny looking rock formation. I think it's suppose to look like Regis Philbin. I may be wrong though. But I can only recall some things about the map. Rocky: Funny, Aisha just somehow wandered many feet away from us. Tommy: She'll catch up. Aisha: HELP! PLEASE! Somebody! HELP ME!! AAAGH! I'm slipping! Adam: Aisha! No! Aisha is found chest-deep in quick sand. Aisha: Is this it? What would it all have meant if I didn't exist at all? Tommy: This is no time for a philosophical argument, Aisha! Kimberly: Aisha! Hang on! We'll save you! Tommy, grab hold of her hand! Tommy: But I can't! She's covered in some toxic, green goop! Kimberly: No she isn't. Tommy: Okay, I just don't feel like it, all right? Adam: Tommy! Aisha: I can't hang on much longer. All the rangers grab hold of each other's arms as they struggle to pull up Aisha out of the sand. Aisha: It's not working! Help me! Adam: Really, really, really pull, guys!! The rangers make one gaping pull and yank Aisha out the sand. Reader: That was pointless. Aisha: That was too close. Austin: What do you mean? Aisha: Any later, and I'd be dead! Tommy (sarcastically): Oh no! Then we'd have to go without your sickening voice and valley girl demeanor! Aisha: You would've let me die?? Blood would be all over your hands. You wouldn't be able to sleep at night. You would have a beard from not shaving because you wouldn't be able to look at yourself in the mirror. Tommy: As long as I've known, guilt trips don't work on me, Aisha. Aisha: Fine. Let's just keep looking. Billy: Does anyone besides me wonder what these obsticles were for and who set them? Austin: No. Let's keep going. The rangers continue to walk. Later, they are crawling in the sand, burning hot with sweat all over their bodies. Tommy: My tongue, feels like sandpaper. Billy: I feel like I just drank a heaping glass of sand. Kimberly: My feet feel like bricks. Aisha: My makeup is running. Austin: My body aches in places I didn't know existed. Adam: I'm hungry. Rocky: I'm burning hot. Billy: Well, we gotta keep going. Billy begins to see a fountain of water. Billy: WATER!! Billy runs up to the "fountain," which, from the other rangers point of view, doesn't exist. The others see Billy scooping sand into his mouth. Billy begins coughing it up. Billy: Aaagh! Cack! Aw, disgusting! Austin: [Sigh] Mirages--how sickening. Suddenly, Billy sees a large mountant top with a huge N carved into the front. Billy: Hey guys, wait a minute. Tommy: What now, Billy?? If this is about your corns I'm... Billy: No! I think that's where the temple is. Let's go check out the base. Rocky: Wait a minute. How do you know this is it? Billy: We're short on time, it looks funny and I'm tired of walking. Adam: Fair enough. Let's go. The guys all run up to the bottom of the large strange mountain. Adam: Hey, I don't see anything. Billy, are you sure this isn't one of your misguided calculations? Billy: Well, this is the only rock formation we've seen that even remotely resembles what it said to look for at the top of the map. Austin: Maybe we haven't walked around enough. I mean, who knows how huge this planet is. Rocky: Oh god!! Maybe Zordon was right!!! This could all be one giant, cruel hoax!!! Rocky runs around screaming. Austin runs up to him grabs him and turns him around. Austin: Get ahold of yourself, Rocky! Rocky: Can't you see? It's all over! We're through! Suddenly, the Tango Warriors beging flying in the air. Kimberly: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! What are those disgusting black things in the air? Billy: Probably vultures here to munch on our inevitably dead carcusses. Tommy: No they're not! They're those stupid Tangos! Rocky: Oh crap! Can this get any worse? Austin: Rocky!! Don't give them ideas. Suddenly a Tango somersaults off the top of a ledge and flies through the air as each ranger darts from side to side to avoid them finally reaching Billy who is hit by the Tango before he realizes what happened. Billy: Agh!! Thanks a lot, Rocky. Rocky: Time to morph! Billy: Ummmm... Rocky. Think the wheels are starting to fall out of the machinery that is your brains. We can't morph! Tommy: Then what are we suppose to do?? Kimberly: Run and hope they don't find you! The rangers begin splitting up, running, screaming. A Tango picks up Kimberly and starts flying in the air with her. Kimberly: Tommy! Help me!! A Tango corners Aisha in a tiny cave and starts swiping at her. Aisha: Get away! Leave me alone, you psychotic nutcase! Adam kicks the Tango in the butt and he starts hollering, running around in a circle while groping his sore bottom. Adam: Let's get outta here, Aisha! The Tango drops Kimberly in mid-air and Kimberly falls to the ground. Tommy: We're not strong enough! We've gotta retreat! The rangers start running to a corner filled with rocks when Adam sees an opening to a very large cave. Tommy: Look! There's a convenient hiding place! Austin: How come that wasn't there before? Aisha: Because of some thing called action. The rangers start running in the cave and the Tangos have their heads firmly steered in the direction not of the rangers'. Tango: Where'd those rangers go? Tango #2: You're the stupid one who wasn't keeping an eye out! Tango #3: Shut up, scissor-beak! Tango: Go to hell! ---------- Back at the cave... Adam: So what are we gonna do? Sit in this cave until we're old and grey and growing beards down to our shoes? Billy: I dunno. But we certainly can't stay here forever. Kimberly: Something will surely give us a light of hope. Adam rests his arm on a rock as it slides causing Adam to almost fall when suddenly there is an earthquake like shaking. Aisha: Oh great, Adam. Look what you did. Adam: But what did I do? Billy: Wait, this maybe the intrance to the tunnel. Come on. Rocky: Aw man, not more walking. They all bend down as they start into the tunnel. Austin: After you Kimberly. Kimberly: Why thank you, Austin. Kimberly bends over and walks into the tunnel infront of Austin. Austin: Hehehe. The rest follow Austin into the tunnel. Billy: We should probably follow the tunnel until we get to the light to stay safe. Adam: And if we're lucky, get to the temple. Aisha: Isn't anyone else besides me worried that the light could mean the end of us. Rocky: No. Austin: Okay. Aisha: Where are we? Billy: Would you quite asking dumb questions? How am I supposed to know! SCENE XI: Rita is looking through her spyscope up on the balcony at Lord Bread's place. Rita: Oh cool! Those rangers are trapped under ground by the Tango's! They may have already traveled through the tunnel to the temple! Hahahaha! Lord Bread: That's not cool! That sucks! I thought I said I wanted the Rangers beat up _before_ they entered the tunnel. Rita: Eh, don't worry. We'll send the Fang Face egg to the entrance, the only entrance, I might add, to the cave. They can check in but they can never check out. Hehehehehe! SCENE XII: The Tango's are found planting the egg by the cave where the Ranger's entered the tunnel. ---------- The Rangers keep walking through the tunnel until they enter a large chamber with a brick wall at the end with the yellow marked sign, "DEAD END." Adam: Looks like the end of the road guys. Tommy: Oh I don't believe this. Alpha teleports us to some baron dump, and then Kim here causes us to lose our map. Now we're stuck in this cave. Man, I could just punch this wall in! Tommy punches a rock on the cave wall, gets pulled into the wall and disappears. Tommy: Yiiigh! Adam: Tommy? Where'd you go?? Hello? Tommy? I'm talking to you! Tommy? Tommy? Come back! Tommy? Austin: Please decist that, Adam. Aisha: Maybe, just maybe he found the place where our powers are. Billy: Ooo, do you always have to think of the bright side, Miss Sunshine? What if Tommy was just sucked into a time vortex leading to a black hole and his body parts have split apart and he's burned in a fiery pit of hell and we could be next?? Aisha: That won't happen to us. Billy: Oh yeah. It's these stupid contracts that bound us from any kind of potential fatality. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could get on that Hercules show. Adam walks in the wall-vortex. Then Kimberly, then Billy, then Austin, then Aisha, then Rocky. TO BE CONTINUED... (C) 1995 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Lord Bread sees that his plan is whirling down the potty bowl, so he decides to take advantage of the rangers not being around to save Angel Grave! Lord Bread: Well now, since you and your Tangos proved to be nothing but a bunch of stupid ding-bats, the Tangos let the rangers seep right through their fingers! Now, I want you to go down on Earth and mess it up before the rangers come back. That means, riots, robbery, earthquakes, right down to car jacking. Cheeto: Whatever you say, Greg. Lord Bread: Bread! Bread!! Bread, you twit!!! ...The rangers meet up with a strange little man with an attitude problem that is just as obnoxious as his voice! Strange Voice: Who's out there?! I want answerrrrrrrs! Kimberly: Austin, I thought I told you to give up those damn impersonations! Austin: Hey, that wasn't me. Kimberly: Then what was that HORRIBLE voice?!? Strange Voice: Me! Who are you?? What do you want? Go away! Adam: Listen, pal, my name is Adam, and we're looking for Crinjor. He's this really annoying idiot who theoretically can help us. Strange Voice: Never heard of him. Beat it. Is all hope lost for the rangers? How many of you want to burn the rangers' protection contracts? Will the rangers ever meet Crinjor? Will they ever get their powers? Is this show ever going to end? What is your favorite kind of ice cream? Find out on the NEXT Episode of the Pathetic Rangers!