Artist Bros. Enterprises Presents: Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers "Ninja Mess, Part III" Parody of, "Ninja Quest, Part III" LAST TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS: The rangers were stabbed to death, stripped naked, cut on the face, amputated, boy what a struggle, the sweat, the teeth, the blood, the sheer horror! Well, it wasn't that thrilling. The Tangos just caught up with them after they went through an array of hardships trying to find out powers on this distant wasteland! Kimberly: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaahh! What are those disgusting black things in the air? Billy: Probably vultures here to munch on our inevitably dead carcusses. Tommy: No they're not! They're those stupid Tangos! Rocky: Time to morph! Billy: Ummmm... Rocky. Think the wheels are starting to fall out of the machinery that is your brains. We can't morph! Tommy: Then what are we suppose to do?? Kimberly: Run and hope they don't find you! ...The rangers got so impatient, that they just ranted in a cave where they hid. Adam: So what are we gonna do? Sit in this cave until we're old and grey and growing beards down to our shoes? Kimberly: Something will surely give us a light of hope. Tommy: I don't like this one bit. Alpha teleports us to some baron dump, and then Kim here causes us to lose our map. Now we're stuck in this cave. Man, I could just punch this wall in! Tommy punches the cave wall, and is pulled into the wall and disappears. Tommy: Yiiigh! Aisha: Maybe, just maybe he found the place where our powers are. Billy: Ooo, do you always have to think of the bright side, Miss Sunshine? What if Tommy was just sucked into a time vortex leading to a black hole and his body parts have split apart and he's burned in a fiery pit of hell and we could be next?? Aisha: That won't happen to us. Billy: Oh yeah. It's these stupid contracts that bound us from any kind of potential fatality. Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could get on that Hercules show. Adam walks in the wall-vortex. Then Kimberly, then Billy, then Austin, then Aisha, then Rocky. Is this it? Are the rangers done-for? Will the rangers ever get their powers? Is Lord Bread gonna take Cheeto mispronouncing his name lying down? Who does Rita's makeup? Is your favorite ice cream Rocky Road? Randy Fishman won our Mighty Weenie Pathetic Rangers contest and has won a free T-Shirt and a trip to the Bahamas. Oh, right, um, to find out the answers to these bizzarre questions, find out on today's episode of "The Ninja Mess, Part 3" NEXT! SCENE I: Back at the Desert of Hades... The rangers, sans Tommy, are walking along a nice rivine where a good waterfall is underneath them. Kimberly: Tommy! Billy: Tommy?? Kimberly: Tommy! Where are you?? This isn't very funny! Austin: Let's just face the music--fifteen african-masked cannibals took him away and ate him. Billy: That's the stupidest suggestion you've ever made. Austin: What other explanation is there?? We're out in the middle of nowhere, don't know where the heck we're going looking for Tommy, who seems to have disappeared off the face of the Earth--or wherever the hell this place is. Billy: Let's keep looking. The rangers approach 2 flights of stairs where they find a welcome mat that says "Go Away." Billy: Hmmmm... Go away. Let's go. Aisha: But if we do, it'd be rude to whoever laid this mat. Rocky: Can it, Aisha. The moron probably just has something to hide. Let's move. The rangers go up the steps. SCENE II: An obvious clip from KooKooStooges shows two giant doors with a strange symbol in the middle opening. We see Tommy behind bars that he's grabbing--making it appear like he's in jail. Kimberly: Oh no! Tommy! You've been imprisoned! Billy: Um, Kimberly, we're outside. This isn't a jail. Kimberly: Oh. Heh heh. How embarrassing. Austin: That wasn't funny, Tommy. Tommy: I was assuming you idiots were gonna take the right route instead of walking in circles. Where were you? Rocky: Do you seriously expect us to answer that? Tommy: Nevermind. I think we've found what we're looking for. Aisha: I forgot--was it an arcade system? Billy: No, you dolt! Our powers. Yeesh! The rangers approach a barred-door that opens by itself. Tommy: What is it with these doors that open by themselves!?! AB Writer: It's for effect considering this is just a low-budget re-make of the movie. Tommy: Ah. The rangers look in awe as they enter a strange dungeon which looks like a temple where Satan Worshippers live. There are candles lined all around with a great blue spotlight shining as fog eminates all over the ground. Tommy: Nice touch. Suddenly, the doors slam shut with a huge slamming noise and the blue spotlight shuts off. All: Kimberly: Geez! You didn't have to be so abrupt, you know! Austin: Woah, this place looks like where Devil Worshippers live. Tommy: Shut up, Austin and steal some china. Austin takes two teapots and puts it in his shirt and then takes an array of silverware and puts it in his pants. Austin: Ayeeee! Cold! Cold!! Kimberly: So now what happens? We get cought in a snare trap, stripped naked and put in a stew kettle? Billy: I hope not. Strange Voice: Who's out there?! I want answerrrrrrrs! Kimberly: Austin, I thought I told you to give up those damn impersonations! Austin: Hey, that wasn't me. Kimberly: Then what was that HORRIBLE voice?!? Strange Voice: Me! Who are you?? What do you want? Go away! Adam: Listen, pal, my name is Adam, and we're looking for Crinjor. He's this really annoying idiot who theoretically can help us. Strange Voice: Never heard of him. Beat it. Billy gets a grin on his face and gestures the rangers to follow him as he slyly approaches some strange urn. Aisha: Um, it's really important. See, only this stupid moron Crinjor can help us. Strange Voice: I'm not going to help you if you keep making fun of Crinjor. Rocky: Oh yeah? What's it to you? Strange Voice: I don't have to answer that, I don't even know you. Billy grabs the urn and looks inside its narrow tube. Strange Voice: Stop that! Stop that I say! Leave me alone! I will not eat Green Eggs and Ham! Billy sees inside a little blue, boxy man with a sword in his holster with a helmet that has no mouth but just a black visor. Billy: Why don't you come out of your hiding spot, you little punk? Strange Voice: I am not going to take this anymore. If you must know, I am Crinjor. Austin: Oh, you're a liar as well as a jerk? Crinjor: Shut up, you! I _AM_ Crinjor, I said I wasn't so you'd go away. I'm going to come out just so I can slap you all around with a big trout. Out we go! Crinjor sticks out his hand and lasers and sparks appear as Crinjor is relased from the urn to be a much bigger Crinjor. Crinjor: Now who's laughing? Suddenly, all the rangers drop to their feet and bow with their arms out. Crinjor: That's better. Now, what do you want? You have five seconds before I give you all the boot. Kimberly: You're really obnoxious and rude, you know that? Tommy: Listen, enough with the baloney. Our leader Zordon told us this was where to go to get new zords and power. Lord Bread took it all from us. Boy would I like to cook that meathead. Crinjor: I don't believe you. Rocky: Look, we're the Pathetic Rangers. Crinjor: Yeah, right. Adam: Do you need I.D.?? Fine. Tommy: Don't do that, Adam. We lost our wallets. Adam: How? Tommy: We just did. Crinjor: I've heard enough. Go away. Kimberly: Hey listen, Buster, we didn't walk acres and acres just to get chewed out by some blueberry pancake with an obnoxious voice and attitude. Aisha: Let's get outta here. It's obvious this person knows nothing of kindness and/or decency. Rocky: Man, this bites. Kimberly: I can't believe that nasty little man made our powers. Tommy: Hey, Kim, that's not necessarily true. The story of our powers had to have been re-written at least 7 times. Billy: Without our powers, Lord Bread's gonna go on a mad rampage all over our planet. Adam: Plus I ran outta clean underwear. Kimberly: Let's go. Crinjor: Oh look, wait a minute. Aisha: What? You just thought up another good insult? Crinjor: No. Sigh, I'm shamed to admit it, but, I'm a very lonely man. Austin: Eh? Crinjor: For years I've scorned those who've actually been foolish enough to give me their time. I've sat in that urn watching reruns of Gilligan's Island for 30 years. Tommy: Woah. Sounds like you're really pathetic. Crinjor: I am. But I swear I'll rip out all your tongues if you tell anyone. Kimberly: Whatever, just give us what we came for. Crinjor: I don't even know what that is. SCENE III: Back at Lord Bread's... Lord Bread: Well now, since you and your Tangos proved to be nothing but a bunch of stupid ding-bats, the Tangos let the rangers seep right through their fingers! Now, I want you to go down on Earth and mess it up before the rangers come back. That means, riots, robbery, earthquakes, right down to car jacking. Cheeto: Whatever you say, Greg. Lord Bread: Bread! Bread!! Bread, you twit!!! SCENE IV: At the Junior Police Place... Bulk and Skull are signing forms. Skull: Bulk, I think I've developed a severe case of arthritis. Why have we been signing 500 forms? Bulk: I don't know. Maybe it's part of the training. Lt. Stone: I wouldn't say that. Bulk and Skull: AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! Bulk: Who are you? Lt. Stone: I'm your Lieutenant. Otherwise known as your superior. Skull: I see. Lt. Stone: Now, if you really want to be men here, we're not gonna be horsing around. I will be what you say, your TOUR GUIDE. So I want you freaks to shut your mouths and sit straight and DO EVERYTHING I SAY!! Bulk: Yes sir! Lt. Stone: And the training won't be over until this Christmas HAM... takes off some of that LARD! Follow me. Bulk and Skull run with Lt. Stone and they enter a barbershop. Lt. Stone: Now, this is what we like to call the Hair-Away stop. Bulk: Why is it called that? Lt. Stone: You'll see. SIT! Bulk and Skull fearfully, but quickly take a seat in two chairs. Lt. Stone: Now, this is Dr. Frank Quinton. Or better known as, Dr. Scissorhands. He shall be making you look--manly; instead of the little GIRLS that you. Bulk: Hey now... Lt. Stone: [Mad look] Bulk: Nevermind. Skull: Um, this won't be so bad, will it be, Bulk? Bulk: Nah, Skull. Piece of cake. Hey, Dr. Quinton, take a little off the sides here. Dr. S: Is that suppose to be funny? Bulk: No. Dr. S: Then quit tellin' me how to do my job. Bulk: What job? I told you I just want a trim. Dr. S: Then you shouldn't have joined here. Bulk: Hey! That's not a pair of scissors! That's just a razor! Dr. S: Really? Gee, I didn't know that. Shut up. Bulk: Yes'sir. Skull: Bulkie, this man is scaring me. Bulk: Don't worry, Skull, I'm scared too. The two men begin razoring off all of Bulk and Skull's hair, little by little. Bulk: Aaaaaaaaagh! Help me! Someone save me! I'm already receding! Skull: Bulk! This hurts! Aaaaaagh. Make it stop! Please make it stop! 10 painful minutes later... Bulk is a cueball and Skull has barely anything on his head. Lt. Stone: Hahahahaha! I like it. Bulk: Laugh all you want. I hope you're happy you've ruined our lives. Lt. Stone: It's just hair. Bulk and Skull look in the mirrors and scream. Bulk: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!! Skull: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Bulk: Oh my... my beautiful, long hair! Oh god I'm ugly! Skull: You people have turned me into a skinhead! Lt. Stone: No, we've turned you into men. Bulk: [Sniff] Is it, is it okay if we cry? Lt. Stone: NO! Skull: [Sniff] Ok. SCENE V: Crinjor's dungeon. Crinjor: Okay, now, you will all sit around me with your legs crossed and join hands. Kimberly: Will any of this involve marijuina? Crinjor: No. But there will be incense going. Take off your glasses, Austin. Austin: But I really can't see without them. Crinjor: Tough. Austin takes off his glasses. Crinjor: Now then, join hands and concentrate. Think about your deepest thoughts. I will guide you as you become wise and your bodies engulfed with power and other rigmaroll. We pan in a circle around all the hand-joined rangers. In Tommy's mind: Kimberly posing in a bikini. In Rocky's mind: A Pachinko Machine. In Kimberly's mind: Kimberly sitting in a mansion, smiling, being fed grapes by servants and a man fanning her with a big feather-fan while she's wearing a fur coat. In Billy's mind: Himself working out on a Soloflex machine. In Adam's mind: A bowl of a chocolate ice cream sundae with a cherry on top. All the rangers hear is mumbo-jumbo coming out Crinjor's mouth. Crinjor: ...and think to yourself, I am not Satan! I am not a crack-pot with a yo-yo for a head. I like myself. I am fun to be with. I am Crinjor! I'm wise and intelligent and have become one with the... AB Writer: Are you quite finished babbling? Crinjor: You're killing the mood here. AB Writer: Um, yeah, sure. But at this rate, the rangers are gonna fall asleep. Crinjor: Well, they're in their Pinata suits now. So I guess I'm done. Tommy: Woah! These suits are bitchin'! Billy: Yeah. And they don't give me jock itch either. Austin: Hey, thanks, man. Can I wear my glasses now? Crinjor: You possess the power of Crinjor; you don't need them when you're in your Pinata suit. Austin: Cool! It's like a Bruce Lee movie mixed with Superman! Crinjor: Um, yeah. That will be 99 dollars and 22 cents. Tommy: For what? Crinjor: That's the bill. Those suits were expensive. Billy: Uhhhh, we'll get back to you. Crinjor: Come with me, there's a lot more money in the bill after this. Tommy: Oye. Crinjor escorts the rangers out of the temple and into the sunlight. Aisha: Oh! The light! I can't see! It was so dark in there! Crinjor: Sorry about that. You know possess the power of your NinjaJunk NinjaZords! Since the writers ran out of ideas of what to power these things up with, they come from the power of the Pinata, and run on Energizer durable batteries. Tommy: Woah! Check it out! The rangers see a movie screen that shows old Japanese footage of the KooKooStooges Zords. Crinjor: These are far more powerful than your zords of the past. Especially that crap in the first season. AB Writer: Um, rangers, before you start throwing vegetables at me for that horrible line, I just wanted to say Levy wrote that. Rocky: Figures. Crinjor: Instead of those stupid brute DinoJunk DinoZords you used to have which were so stupid that all they did was give us real action instead of 30-second long squabbles with monsters, these are cunning, brave, smart and bright. Tommy: According to what I learned in school, the Samurai is more honorable than the Ninja. Crinjor: Shut up before I get sued. Austin: So what's the catch to all this? Crinjor: The catch was all that junk I told you. Aisha: Oh, about the be wise, not greedy, don't do this, don't do that crap? Crinjor: About right. Tommy: What are we waiting for?? Billy: Crinjor to shut up. Crinjor: Okay, before the original rangers do anything, I want the ones who can't act to step forward. Rocky, zit-faced and unpopular, you shall control the ugly Grape Zord. Aisha, annoying and short, you shall control the eye-blinding Ninja Blare Zord. Adam, personality lacking and also unpopular, you shall get the Ninja Hog Zord. Billy: One whiney word out of you, Adam, and I crack your neck. Adam: Darn. Crinjor: Billy, vain and stupid, you shall get the Ninja Barf Zord, the gangly coyote who can't see past its nose. Kimberly... Austin: Oh, I can't wait for what my new zord's gonna be. I really hated that Rhino. Crinjor: ...and wise, you shall get the Ninja Pain Zord, its shreaks act as alarms whenever it's in trouble, oh, and it flies too. Kimberly: Why do _I_ always get stupid fowl for zords?? Whoever said I liked birds anyway?? Crinjor: Shut up. Ahem, Austin... well, see, um, you kinda snuck onto the cast list. So I'm afraid I only was covered by six zords. Tell me, what was your original zord? Austin (giddily): The RhinoZord, sir. What's my new one?? Crinjor: Um, well, see, since my time's almost up, I'll be blunt. You don't get a new zord. You shall be saddled with the mighty and fat RhinoZord. But if it's any consolation to you, its 10 ton exterior will help you in battles. Austin: What?!?! I'm stuck with that ugly, fat, disgusting RhinoZord?!? That's an outrage! Crinjor: I shall ressurect it right now. Kimberly: Don't complain, afterall, you only had that RhinoZord for 3 episodes anyway. Austin: All right. Fine. I guess it won't be that bad. Maybe Crinjor gave it more power. Heh. This shouldn't be that bad. Positive thoughts, Positive thoughts, Positive Thoughts. Crinjor: Anyway, Tommy, if you're still awake, you get the Ninja Buzzard Zord, crass and ugly, it shall not take any prisoners--and you also act as good backup whenever your friends are in a jam. Kimberly: Can we use our zords now? Crinjor: Oh gimme gimme. That's all I hear. Can't you bow in silence? Kimberly: I've got a cramp in my leg. Crinjor: As we speak, Lord Bread is beginning a rampage on Earth! Rocky: How did you know that? Crinjor: I just do, okay? Billy: I'm starting to lose count on these plot holes. Crinjor: You'll know when the time is right to use your zords. But I'll tell you, if it's that hard for you to figure out--which it isn't. When Lord Bread makes one of his stupid monsters grow. In the meantime, like Muddie fights, you must embark upon the pre-monster fight. Tangos are about and they're trying to invade my humble abode. Now, you owe me for what I've done for you, so go get 'em. Kimberly: How do we use these Pinata powers? Crinjor: Do I have to explain everything!?!? Look into your hearts, and call out "We need Pinata Power Now." Rocky: I AM THE GRAPE! Ugly and strong! Aisha: I AM THE GLARE! Blinding and cool! Adam: I AM THE HOG! Giddy and subdued! Billy: I AM THE BARF! A wolf in cheap clothing! Kimberly: I AM THE PAIN! Just another boring bird zord! Austin: I AM THE RHINO, AGAIN! And I hate it! Tommy: I AM THE BUZZARD! Crazy and wily! Crinjor: Congratulations, Pathetic Rangers, you just spent tons of money. The price for your zords are $15,000 a piece. Billy: A PIECE?!?! Crinjor: Hey, pal, these zords cost money, ya know. Tommy: How about a thank you and a handshake? Crinjor: Fine with me. SCENE VI: The Pinata-suited rangers immediately pick a fight with the Tangos out in the desert. Tommy: All right, Tangos, think you're gonna snag us when we're defenseless? Well now we have our incredible Pinata powers and we're gonna raise some hell! Right, guys?? All: Right! Kimberly: Let's do it! UNCOOKED! PLAY IT BABY! Mighty Uncooked: Yippy yi yi yi, yippy yo yi yi, yi yi yippy yi, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, Tango Hush Hush! The rangers start picking off the Tangos in these outrageous manners. SCENE VII: Back at the command center (yeah, remember this place?) Alpha is spilt out on the command center floor holding a bottle of whiskey as we see the command center completely totalled. Zordon: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... AB Writer: Hey guys, you're on. Zordon: Zzz! Zzz! Oh, um, right. Brrrrr. Why didn't you tell me we had parts in this episode? AB Writer: It was a last-minute change. Zordon: Alpha, wake up. We have to work today. Alpha: Aw man. Anyway, I sure hope whatever the hell I'm suppose to be doing works. Zordon: Me too, Alpha 5. Alpha: Oh yeah, fix the viewing globe. Aye yi yi! It's not working! Zordon: Dread that Tim Taylor. That idiot on that "Tool Time" program doesn't know what the heck he's talking about. Alpha: You've been telling me to do this based on a SITCOM!?!? Zordon: Tool Time is a sitcom? Alpha: No you idiot! It's a part of a sitcom, fool! Zordon: Oh dear lord! Alpha: Great. Now we're gonna have to call the TV Repairman... uh, I mean, the, um, special Viewing Globe consultant. 5 hours later... Repairman: Oh, I think I finally got the parts. The Repairman goes behind the viewing globe. Repairman: Here's the problem. The thing's been unplugged all this time. Alpha: Oh good grief. Thanks for your time, sir. I'm truly sorry about all of this. Repairman: Hey, no problem. You're the only one who'll call us at 4 am in the morning. Zordon: Now, let's snoop and find out what's going on in the world. Alpha: I'm tuning in the rangers now. Hey, did you know that the rangers' Tango fight is on NBC's Must-See-TV? Zordon: HUH?? Alpha: Channel 4. There it is. Oooo, look at that Tango fly. Go get 'em, Billy! It seems the rangers have gotten the powers! It wasn't just a myth we made up while playing craps. Wait, what are those Tangos doing there? Zordon: Don't ask me, Alpha. I haven't caught up considering we've been left in the lurch since Part 1. Alpha: Oh, Aye yi yi! The alarm goes off. Alpha: Who fixed that damned thing? Zordon: Um, I don't know. Alpha: Oh aye yi yi! That derelict Cheeto has decided to start picking on Angel Grave! And we can't do jack about it! Zordon: I'm sure the rangers know what they're doing. But those Tangos are sure taking their sweet-behind time to get knocked out. Alpha: I sure hope the rangers come back in time! SCENE VIII: Back at the Tango fight... The tangos are really rung out. Tango #1: Aw man, this is too much! Let's get outta here! Tommy: Aw, what's the matter, ya chicken? Tango #2: Actually, we are. CAW! Let's make a run for it! Rocky: Yeah, run away, you stupid turkeys. Crinjor: Well, while I was hiding, waiting for you to clear out the Tangos, I noticed that remarkable 10-minute long fight. You did a good job. Adam: Do you ever shut up? Or are you allergic to silence? Crinjor: Knock it off. You have proven yourselves worthy of these powers! Kimberly: You already said we were about 5 minutes ago. Crinjor: I'm just saying it again. Austin: That counts for redundance. Crinjor: You kids are gonna put me in the crazyhouse! Tommy: Anyway, this story's about over, so let's morph now. Crinjor: Okay. Just shoot me for trying to fill up time. Austin: If it weren't for you, this would be a 3-parter instead of some boring, endless story that no one really likes. Crinjor: Go morph. "Baywatch" is coming on and I don't wanna miss the beginning. All: It's morphin time! Pinata-Suited Austin: Purple Pulp Ranger Power Pinata-Suited Tommy: White-Out Ranger Power Pinata-Suited Adam: Black Toast Ranger Power Pinata-Suited Kimberly: Pink Dink Ranger Power Pinata-Suited Billy: Blue Nosed Ranger Power Pinata-Suited Aisha: Yellow Back Ranger Power Pinata-Suited Rocky: Red Rash Ranger Power Tommy: All right! The Pathetic Rangers are back--again. All: Pathetic Rangers! Power up! Crinjor: Farewell, my friends. Instead of keeping me company after 3 decades of lonely silence, you're off to save your planet and mingle with those there. Just remember who gave these powers to you when you're having the biggest laughs of your lives! Oh dear. I'll make 'em pay. Crinjor disappears. We pan down with eerie music to show a watermelon like egg (which was the one that wouldn't hatch) just about to hatch. Evil drums are played as we take three close up frames of the egg. TO BE CONTINUED... (C) 1995 Artist Bros. Enterprises NEXT TIME ON THE PATHETIC RANGERS... Now, with their zords, things have reverted back to normal. Monster fights zord, zord destroys monster. Whoops, I just gave everything away! Billy: Woah! Cheeto just picked up that Burger Queen and threw it back into the ground again. Rocky: Yeesh, what a mess. Tommy: Can let him use that sword on the City again. Let's get to work. All: We need antropomorphic robotic unfication transformation sequencing to engage the Ninja Animal Zords, Now! Kimberly: God I hope we never have to say that again. They also have to deal with "Cheeto's Surprise!"--the FangFace monster! FangFace: You wont look so cool... Wait, scratch that. You wont be alive long enough to know what hit you once I destroy this temple and you along with it. Crinjor: With you and what army? FangFace: Nobody. I've just got some really evil people backin' me up so you better watch your lip because I'm about to rip 'em off! Hahahaha! Will the rangers take care of FangFace? Or simply resent Crinjor for sticking his nose where it doesn't belong and fighting their battles? Will Alpha fix it so whenever the alarm goes off, "The Monster Mash" plays? Have Bulk and Skull gone insane? And did these clips illustrate basically the entire fight? Find out on the NEXT episode of the Pathetic Rangers!